0:00:14 > 0:00:16We're here today to stop them
0:00:16 > 0:00:21building yet another bloody supermarket on our beloved parkland!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23ALL: Yeah!
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Animals! You know what to do Clubcards, ready!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Farewell old friend.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32And...cut!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Well. Worth a shot. All back to mine?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44We need fight them!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47That's how we won the battle of Hoxton Lidl.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Felicity Ann Kendal! ...You were there in '04?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54There comes a time when you must take direct action, when we small
0:00:54 > 0:00:59animals must come together to fight the mighty human corporate machine.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03You heard the lady! Tim, Nobby, Marion, attack!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Here comes die schmerzen!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28What I was going to say was- "and that time is after you've
0:01:28 > 0:01:32"completed at least two months of intensive training drills."
0:01:32 > 0:01:34No that does make sense.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Because we're really are getting a pasting out there.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52and on the bright side we'll have a lot of bloody good
0:01:52 > 0:01:55seasonal produce right on our doorstep. So...
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Guess where Gary's taking me?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00the V-E-T-S. apparently it's some kind of award ceremony
0:02:00 > 0:02:02like the VMAs but better jealous?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Yeah you should be anyway laters.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- V-E-T-S. Those four letters...- What?
0:02:08 > 0:02:09There is secret human code
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I have heard talk about from my feline elders.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16The finest cat minds have been trying, without joy,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18to crack it since the 1940s.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27This much we DO know - every time a human takes animal to this
0:02:27 > 0:02:31so-called " V-E-T-S " they end up...
0:02:31 > 0:02:32at the vets!
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- What you on about?- Like I say, we don't yet know the how,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39we're still working on that, all I can say for definite is...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Sorry to ruin the whole thing here,
0:02:42 > 0:02:46um, V-E-T-S spells vets. Not that hard.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Well. I happen to think it's a little more complicated than that, Nelson!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52No-no, really isn't.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58- Jesus!- Oh, my DAYS!
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Destiny relax, veterinary procedures have come a long way.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05So long as you avoid surgery tourism on the continent.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Listo?
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Ayudese a un lollipop en la salida.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Well, I ain't going! No way.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- I'll just live out here.- Kali. You're unseasonably quiet today.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Oh.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37The cat got your tongue? Huh? Mmm? Has it?
0:03:37 > 0:03:38- Marion.- What no comeback?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Oh, I'm sorry Kali, has my moderately zingy putdown
0:03:41 > 0:03:46mentally unsettled you to the extent that you're no longer capable of forming basic sentences...
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- That's not Kali. - ..which would explain everything!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Sorry, mate, that's actually Kali's perch.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55So if you don't mind moving on.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Oh, just because I am an African you don't want me
0:03:59 > 0:04:02in your garden. Well, I know my rights I have migrated to UK...
0:04:02 > 0:04:06You're a migrant?! Why didn't you just say? Ruddy bloody welcome!
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Ah we love Africans, don't we, guys?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- Absolutely!- Not really.- Some of our best friends are Africans!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14By which I mean none of our best friends are Africans,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17we don't even know any Africans, we're worried we're racist, hallo!
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- So I can stay?- Of course you can stay!
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Maybe later we could listen to some Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Because I am SUCKER for all those boring cultural bits
0:04:29 > 0:04:30on Jools Holland!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Look, I don't have time to lay around all day.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Oh, please. Just tell us again about the summer of 2005.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Well, it was a different time back then.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Do you know what we used to call the household cleaning product Cif?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- No.- Jif.- Wow! No way!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52And there was none of this super-fast broadband.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53There was no Chat Roulette.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Really? So how did grown men masturbate at complete strangers?
0:04:57 > 0:05:01They had to hide in bushes and wait until someone walked past.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Retro!
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- Where are you living Eileen? - My son stuck me out in the Wetlands Nature Reserve.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Oh, the, er, retirement community?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Wow. Frankly you don't look old enough!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Frankly you DO look old enough.
0:05:13 > 0:05:18- Well, I'd better get going if I want to see Ben Fogle on the One Show. - Oh, wouldn't waste your time,
0:05:18 > 0:05:22he's just Tweeted. Apparently he's been drafted in for emergency
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Countryfile reshoots - Craven's gone down with norovirus.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Julia Bradbury! Well, that's ripped a hole in my evening.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Sorry. Have you heard of the Yahoo group "Friends of Fogle?"
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- I post on the forums.- I moderate!
0:05:34 > 0:05:35- FogieFogy86?- TheFogleMogul!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44MUSIC: Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Ahem.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Mmm? Oh. Marion, I'm going to escort this fair lady home.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Stay here. Don't touch the stuff in the fridge.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01OK!
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Ah, 80s movie references. Keep them in the fridge, they stay fresh for years.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Oh. Yakult.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Destiny, come in love, what have I got?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Look at him. Trying to lure me in with a T-R-E-A-T.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21A what?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Spells 'biscuit,' you prick.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26You should count yourself lucky you have owner who cares about you!
0:06:26 > 0:06:31Well, he can shove his biscuit up his fat arse, I'm not going back.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34In which case, would you mind if I made a play for him?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35See if he'd take me in?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38You've got a 'thing' for Gary?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Does he ever talk about me?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Yeah he says, "Why does that shitty cat keep leaving dead birds in my garden?".
0:06:44 > 0:06:47KNEW there was a vibe. Hold on tight Gary,
0:06:47 > 0:06:48I'm coming for you.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Oi! You're on my perch!
0:06:52 > 0:06:56My perch now. I suggest you find other perch.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Or what?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Or I peck the flesh from your face
0:06:59 > 0:07:02and in one week your body washes up on banks of the Thames
0:07:02 > 0:07:05with your feet and wings hacked off
0:07:05 > 0:07:07and your beak stuffed inside your anus.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Fine. OK. I'll just perch here then.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Further.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Further
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Further.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23My God. To have all this on your doorstep.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25You don't have to live here.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Hello young man. I'm a bigot and I've dirtied myself.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Such wonderful stories.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34God, I admire you. Most vixens your age are laying dead on some rural B-road,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37but here you are, so full of...
0:07:37 > 0:07:38- Kiss me.- What the...?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41MUSIC: Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I've fallen... Help... Help...
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I can't get up... Call the ranger! Help! Help!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Sorry shall we take this back to my place?- Let's.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Oh. Where did you come from?
0:08:07 > 0:08:08This, us,
0:08:08 > 0:08:12it cannot be denied another day.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Sorry little man you're on my keyboard.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Don't speak... Don't ruin...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Just hold!
0:08:25 > 0:08:30Destiny I'd like you to meet my, um, special friend, Eileen.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Urgh Nelson, you DIRTY little grave-robber!
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Eileen, this is Destiny.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38And Kali?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I'M OVER HERE.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44What the coconuts are you doing all the way over there?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47It's my new perch. Some African stole my old one.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Oh, let me guess-we migratory birds, we come over here,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54eat all your food, sleep with your women.
0:08:54 > 0:08:59Well, don't apologise! Crikey. After all...
0:08:59 > 0:09:07# This is the immigration nation We actively encourage mass migration
0:09:07 > 0:09:11# Tear up your application form Let the border crossings swarm
0:09:11 > 0:09:17# And here's how to dodge the legislation
0:09:17 > 0:09:19# Apply online for a student Visa
0:09:19 > 0:09:21# Or get smuggled in whichever's easier
0:09:21 > 0:09:25# Then you find a small bedsit And benefits, benefits, benefits
0:09:25 > 0:09:30# If you're fearing prosecution Just claim homeland persecution
0:09:30 > 0:09:32# Everybody's doin' it Take the law and screwin' it
0:09:32 > 0:09:37# Come and join the immigration nation!
0:09:43 > 0:09:47# Now it's time for you to bring Your bed-ridden family in
0:09:47 > 0:09:51# Get them all a fixed address And NHS, NHS, NHS
0:09:51 > 0:09:56# Soon as you are legal aliens You are better than Australians
0:09:56 > 0:09:58# They do it by the rules What a bunch of tools
0:09:58 > 0:10:04# Come and join the immigration nation!
0:10:08 > 0:10:12# So let's keep the culture vibrant With hordes of economic migrants
0:10:12 > 0:10:15# Who'll sweep the streets and cut inflation
0:10:15 > 0:10:18# Cos we won't do jobs below our station
0:10:18 > 0:10:22# Did your social worker mention You're entitled to a pension?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26# Please exploit the welfare state Now it's our turn to migrate
0:10:26 > 0:10:30# The BNP makes it political The Daily Mail are hypocritical
0:10:30 > 0:10:33# Watch them when they get the chance
0:10:33 > 0:10:35# They'll retire to the South of France!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39# So let's all claim an occupation Let's all toy with deportation
0:10:39 > 0:10:42# Is that a new Playstation?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44# We're off to a sunny location
0:10:44 > 0:10:50# Come and join... the Immigration nation! #
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Now, in the interests of transparency
0:10:54 > 0:10:59I should declare that Destiny and myself have something of a history.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Uh not this again!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE WILL THEY WON'T THEY.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Yes, there's a touch of the old Ross and Rachels, methinks.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08And we all know how that ended.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13'Yeah hi, Jennifer this is David? David Schwimmer?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16'We were in, um, Friends together?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18'So remember how back on the first day of rehearsals
0:11:18 > 0:11:21'I asked you out and you said...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23'never.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27'Well, I noticed since Brad Pitt dumped you things haven't
0:11:27 > 0:11:30'been going so well and I wondered
0:11:30 > 0:11:33'if you were less of a picky bitch these days.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35'OK call me, it's David Schwimmer bye.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Anyway. Think I've been missing long enough for one day.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Oh, well good for you.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Some of us don't have homes to go back to.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Before you go, Destiny, thought I'd show you this spectacular
0:11:47 > 0:11:49visual illusion I've just learnt.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Oh, my DAYS!
0:11:52 > 0:11:53What, what is it?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Ta-da!- I can't see, I can't see!
0:11:55 > 0:12:00Also, I found this rare archive photo that categorically proves Ga-Ga has a penis...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And it's not where you'd think...
0:12:05 > 0:12:09OK Gary you chimp's ballbag I am NOT spending the night out there
0:12:09 > 0:12:12so you can cancel the press conference.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Destiny! This is almost entirely as it looks.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Gary, you absolute DICK.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22You came back! Oh, good girl!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I want that skanky cat OUT of my bedroom.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I do have a name, actually.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Come and meet your new brother, he's called Frisbee.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32And that name, it would seem, is now Frisbee.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Brother?! Gary, what have you DONE?!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38What do we think to Frizbee with a Z?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Give it that contemporary spin?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49So I was thinking, if you were up for it - tea, chunky-soup and Lark Rise?
0:12:49 > 0:12:54I have to say you're quite the most intriguing fox I've ever met.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58And so lithe. Like a vulpine Daniel Craig.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Always thought I'd make a cracking good Bond.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Yes, imagine me doing that iconic sequence from A Quantum of Solace.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I see your 500 and raise you...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12sorry hang on this is Casino Royale.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Which is the bit from Quantum of Solace?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19I'm sure I've seen it I just can't remember ANYTHING about it.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Make love to me, Nelson.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Eileen! We only just met.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I don't have time for games.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Let's do it like two feral beasts
0:13:28 > 0:13:31right here and now on your hand-knotted
0:13:31 > 0:13:33taupe-weave Italian designer rug.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35OK!
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Before we start... any brittle bones I should be aware of?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- No.- Super. Let's crack on.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43MUSIC: Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Sarah Beeney!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Samantha Mumba!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Amanda Knox!
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Mum?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Vincent?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Nelson?
0:14:01 > 0:14:06Mum. So. I guess I should probably start running.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Ready. Steady!
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I asked you to move nicely, you refused.
0:14:20 > 0:14:26Behold-the silvery circular disc of death!
0:14:26 > 0:14:34Stare into the circular sparkly thing and be forever blinded!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Kali, I am from the Harare province of Zimbabwe.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41All my life I have suffered violence and recrimination.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45When I was just six days old my nest was torched by ZANU-PF militants.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I could only watch as my mother, father, sisters and brothers
0:14:48 > 0:14:51were burnt alive in front of my face.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55In summary, I fear only God...
0:14:55 > 0:14:56and Robert Mugabe.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58OK, fine.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Come here!- Please!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I had no idea who she was, I swear!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08You dirty and quite literal mother BLEEP!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11WILL YOU STOP SWEARING!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Sorry, Mum.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- Honestly, Vincent, have you been hanging around with Danny again?- No.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Danny, me old BLEEP!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Vince, you big BLEEP!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Mate, it's been too BLEEPing long.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Too BLEEPing right it's been too BLEEPing long!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30What you been up to, you handsome old BLEEP?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Just been making BLEEPing movies. I'm a BLEEPing actor!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35How about you?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Ah, same old, same old - bit of killing, bit of BLEEPing.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40You BLEEPing legend.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I've BLEEP missed you, you stupid BLEEP.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44We should do this more BLEEPing often.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Stop it, you soppy BLEEP!
0:15:47 > 0:15:48HE LAUGHS
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Did you just call me a soppy BLEEP?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54No, Vince, now listen...
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And, OK, it was unfortunate you walked in when you did.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- You swear you were just tickle-fighting?- Oh, absolutely.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02- SHUT UP!- I'm serious about Nelson.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06And if you love me, you'll respect that. Understood?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- Fine.- Pardon?
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- I said fine!- Thank you. Right, you can come out now, Nelson.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Now, why don't the two of you spend some time together?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Bit of family bonding.- Whatever.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21And, Vincent, if you BLEEP him, then eat him - grounded.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- HE GROANS - Ow!
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Marion?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Marion! Marion?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Frizbee?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Hallo, sister?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Just so you know, Gary doesn't love you. You're just a phase.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40You are talking pure dog lies.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Like when he got the whole of Scrubs on DVD.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45He really liked the first series, but then, oh,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48he started to find it really cloying and smug.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Do you know what he did?- No.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53He kept watching it, actually,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56until like season eight when Zach Braff left, and even then...
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Sorry, what's your point?- Didn't Scrubs go downhill?- Yes, it did.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Mean it though - Gary only went with you to get over me.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Really? Then why did he let me see him washing?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Hang on, why was he washing by candlelight?- I dunno.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- Are you absolutely sure that happened?- I may have embellished slightly.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31It felt very intimate at the time.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Fact is YOU need to leave.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Come. Can we not just enjoy this selection
0:17:36 > 0:17:40of the World's Wildest Car Crashes as a family?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42You want to fight for Gary? You got one!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44CRASHING ON TV
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Ouch, there goes the no-claims bonus, eh, Gary?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oh, he's dead.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52That's insensitive of me.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- Did you want to call me dad, or...? - Don't push it.- Sorry.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Just thought it'd make a nice change from your usual greeting.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07As versatile as it may be.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Morning BLEEP!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Evening BLEEP! Merry Christmas BLEEP!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15It's Pancake Day BLEEP!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Condolences BLEEP!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Happy Black History Month BLEEP!
0:18:21 > 0:18:26With her being "of an age", I'd like to move things on quite swiftly...
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Vince, I'd like to take your mother
0:18:29 > 0:18:30as my wife.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35If you EVER hurt my duchess,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37do you know what I'll do to you?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark here
0:18:41 > 0:18:44and say "something horrid"?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Right. We're looking for "something horrid". Saskia, the envelope.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50"Something horrid!"
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Whoa, what have I won?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55A weekend for two in historic Bruges!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Really?!- No.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01You have my blessing. Now come here...
0:19:01 > 0:19:02step-BLEEP.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Oh, Vince, thank you!
0:19:04 > 0:19:09You're a good lad. Now you give her one from me, yeah?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19So, Gary finally gave me his number.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Such an awesome guy.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24It's like, he loves Scary Movie,
0:19:24 > 0:19:25I love Scary Movie.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28He loves Epic Movie, I love Epic Movie.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31He loves Date Movie, I DETEST Date Movie!
0:19:31 > 0:19:32It is a shitty movie.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I want to take a dump in the sandpit of the director who made this
0:19:36 > 0:19:38shitty, shitty movie so his children play in the sandpit
0:19:38 > 0:19:41and catch the roundworm parasite and go blind!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45But it's these little differences that keep things interesting.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Shush, she's coming!- Nelson?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I've brought that Radio Times with the piece on Animal Park.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Marry me!
0:19:58 > 0:19:59She's...
0:19:59 > 0:20:00She's dead!
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Mum? Is it safe to come in? You're not tickle-fighting, are you?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05HE GASPS
0:20:05 > 0:20:08H'OK, I got this! (IMITATES HER) Just a minute, dear!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I'll be out in a second!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Marion, she's dead! How is that helpful?
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Ah. Good point.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- OK, come on in, dear!- NO!
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Quick! Under the hand-knotted taupe weave Italian designer rug!
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Morning c... gents! Oh.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Where's Mummy? - HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Actually... Actually, Vince,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- she, um.... She... - She just popped off-out!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35To meet her maker-baker! Banker!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38She popped out to meet her banker to talk about buying the farm-firm!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41To talk about buying the firm Woolworths!
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Sorry, could you keep your death-based Freudian slips
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- to an absolute minimum? - I can certainly try.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- I'll wait here for her here then. - OK!
0:20:51 > 0:20:55I'll distract him, you get the body back to the nature reserve.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56So...Vince,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00I believe there's bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream somewhere.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Huh. Look what the cat dragged "out."
0:21:03 > 0:21:04HE LAUGHS
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Ah, classic Frizbee.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I just wanted to say sorry.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Keep my perch.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17It's all yours.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Thank you, Kali. I appreciate...
0:21:20 > 0:21:23ARGH! It's Mugabe!
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Quick, fly away!
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Before he illegally seizes your personal property!
0:21:28 > 0:21:33I think you should return to your inferior perch now.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39LAUGHTER
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Huh? What's that?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Bill Cosby, keep an eye on this body for me.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48IT IS ROBERT MUGABE! You cock.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I cannot catch my tail!
0:21:50 > 0:21:51I cannot catch my tail!
0:21:51 > 0:21:55I am trying to catch my tail and yet I cannot catch my tail!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- What are you doing? - Acting like a dipshit puppy,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59and he's lapping it up.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Who's that? Who's that? Who's that?!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Is it me? Is it me? I don't understand!
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- I am here...and yet I am also there! - What has gotten into you?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10H'OK, bitch, two can play at this game.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Look at me! I am loveably cleaning my face!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Aw!- Look at me!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20For I am trapped on my back
0:22:20 > 0:22:22and not on legs like what I am supposed to be!
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- Aw!- Look at me, I have gotten my head stuck in this tissue box!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Aw!- Look at me I have just heard something
0:22:29 > 0:22:32what I don't fully understand.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37- Aw!- Look at me, I have fatally misjudged the distance to the sofa.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39ARGGGGH!
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- Arghh, mother fucker! - Oh, God, oh, God oh, God!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50So, ja...
0:22:50 > 0:22:54looks like mein dinner plans just changed.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00More Pinot, mutti?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Timothy?!- Steffani?!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I thought you had pilates?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Tschus, mutti.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Oh, nice stole.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24You're a good bloke, Nelson.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- I know you're going to look after her.- Well, certainly try to!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Obviously, none of us lives forever.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Who knows when the Grim Reaper will, you know,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38jump out at you with balloons and an engagement ring?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40What a beautiful but odd way of putting it.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Nope, so long as, you know, when she goes,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47she goes with some dignity, that's all I care about.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Zoe Ball!- I can't believe I'm telling you this -
0:23:50 > 0:23:53and I wiped my hand on my mum's fur coat in the cupboard.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- Anyway, I've got a sherry headache. See you in a bit.- OK. Bye.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I've got to get her back before Vince finds out.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01OK, Zoe Ball,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04time to stalk you down the only way I know how!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:24:48 > 0:24:50so, Gary...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52this is it, end of the line.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54We've had some good times.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55We've laughed...
0:24:56 > 0:24:59..we've cried....
0:24:59 > 0:25:00we've hallucinated.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07We've found out we were suffering the effects of a gas leak.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09But, yeah, goodbye.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- You are leaving? - I'm not, he is.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14See, I decided if I can't have him, no-one will.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- What?- Let me spell it out -
0:25:16 > 0:25:19M-E-R-C-U-R-Y
0:25:19 > 0:25:24P-O-I-S-O-N-I-N-G.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Biscuits?- Mercury poisoning, dick.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Drink up, Gary.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35You crazy bitch, what have you done?!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45HE SHRIEKS Jesus Christ, you clumsy bastard!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Well, it's been lovely living with you.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07My Eileen!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09What have they done to you?!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11You smell of...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Really nice. Is that DKNY? Really fresh!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Number 78?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32So, here's one for the memoir.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Hello, babes, it's me, just to let you know I'll be back a bit late.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Hold on, Eileen old girl.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- I'm coming to take you home.- Yeah. Matt Baker's booked us a table
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- at Cafe Rouge.- Cafe Rouge!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52No, I owe it to Eileen.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Apparently Fogle's having a send-off
0:26:54 > 0:26:57before they ship him up to the West Country.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00HE CRIES
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Nobby found her!
0:27:02 > 0:27:06She was lying in the gutter outside the Elle Style Awards!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Oh. Oh, dear.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10You'll never leave me, will you, Dad?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Oh, no, of course not, Vince.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Good, because I've decided I want to go to medical school,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I've been thinking about Queens University, Belfast.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22I'll need about nine grand.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27- Though technically we were never married...- Oh, she was an angel.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29And if anyone...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31ANYONE,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33ever disrespects her memory, I will...
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- Your mother was a slag. - Who said that?- Mmm?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I said, your mother was a slag.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Biltong, blood diamonds, Live Aid.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Right, you migratory BLEEP!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Yes! Bo!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Boom shack a lack!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Once again, Western civilisation
0:27:53 > 0:27:57uses...brute violence to repress...
0:27:57 > 0:28:00the poor under-privileged people of Third World.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Oh, crap, I'm part of the problem.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Anyhoo, better dash. I've got a date.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Not a new lady already?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Have you learned nothing from the past 24 hours?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12No, no, she's not my girlfriend.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Well...not yet.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39- 'Call me, it's David Schwimmer. Bye!'- HE HANGS UP PHONE