0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains very strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:14# I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes. #
0:00:16 > 0:00:20BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22BLEEP!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Sorry, were you calling me?
0:00:25 > 0:00:26Yes. I've overslept!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- You were supposed to wake me up! - Relax.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31It's only 6am.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- You what? - I changed your alarm clock.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Bit of a wedding morning prank.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Oh.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38That's a relief.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42A prank on me wedding day, very funny!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44THUMP!
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Marion!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48He didn't go for the jokey Hugh Grant reference.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51You'll have to get the LA prostitute out of the wedding car.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Actually.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58# La la la la La la la la la
0:00:58 > 0:01:01# La la la la laaaa. #
0:01:03 > 0:01:05OK, gang. Bestie man here!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Quick announcement. I hope you all checked the seating plan.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Spent a lot of time picking the funny names for the tables.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Bell-end!
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Also. There's been a bit of the old C-O-C-K up, re caterers.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Dinner's running about 30 minutes late.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25So the bride and groom have said if you are peckish, feel free to,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28er, eat some of the smaller guests.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30So, yeah, have fun.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Vincent, come and meet Uncle George, he's travelled down from Edinburgh.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Coming, poops!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Hi, gang. Having fun?
0:01:39 > 0:01:40I would like to complain.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42We have been sat next to the toilet.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Marion, the toilets are outside.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I would like to complain.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50We have been sat next to where I have been going to the toilet.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52And this menu is taking the piss.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Smoked salmon to start, bit route one, but fine.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Main course, though - pigeon?
0:01:57 > 0:01:58All I'm saying is
0:01:58 > 0:02:01making a pigeon eat pigeon is culturally insensitive.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03There's always the goat's cheese tart.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Nah, I'm good, I'm just saying.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Anyway, Nelson, if you did the table plan,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10how come you stuck me with the freaks,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Tim, Nobby and that stupid sheep what talks like Laurence Fishburne?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I happen to be a lamb, madam.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19And I talk like Morgan goddamn FREEMAN!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Destiny, there's a perfectly good reason you're all sat here.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23This is the singles table.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Singles table?!
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- Nelson, I am not single, you clown's foreskin!- You're not?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Of course I've got a boyfriend.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34GOD! In fact, tell you what, actually, yeah, no, actually,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I'm going to go call him now. Bring him down here.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Single's table?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40KNOB!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43So how you feeling about the big best man speech?
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Ooh, excited, actually!
0:02:44 > 0:02:4915 minutes of solid gold. Trust me, it's going to be an absolute hoot.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Outside now.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I mean, honestly!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Hey, calm down, guy.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56We have all had a little ze drinking.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Larry Fishburne sounds nothing like me.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01He's all, "Hey, I'm Morpheus."
0:03:01 > 0:03:05I'm all, "Hey, I'm Mandela."
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Ja, they are kind of the same.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Son of a bitch!
0:03:11 > 0:03:15If it's about the disco, rest ye easy.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17iPod all loaded up with both Mumford and with Son.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It's about your speech, Nelson. Better be funny.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23It's electric, trust me. Did I let you down with the stag do?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Yes, you very much did.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Ooh, isn't this fun?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30And anything we paint, we get to keep!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Thanks for the mug, BTW.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I love Penny with all my heart.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41And I do NOT want her family thinking badly of me.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Lovely service- BLEEP.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Bless you, my child.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Which means, on pain of death,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I do not want you telling stories
0:03:51 > 0:03:53that involve me doing anything vulgar,
0:03:53 > 0:03:59or killing anything, or using coarse language of any kind.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00That's out. That's out.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02That's definitely out.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03That's OK... No, it's not.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Pete Townshend!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07That's out. That's out.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Oh, how did THAT get in there?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I'm quite serious. I don't know how that got in there.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14That's out, that's out. And that's out!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17So. Let's hear the speech from the top!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Here goes.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20"Ladies and gentleman...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"the bride and groom!"
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Pithy. I like it.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I've got no speech! What am I going to do?
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Hold up.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30That's my cousin Warren!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Warren, served on buttered leeks with lightly salted bacon!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Suppose I could always eat round him.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Think, think, think. I need material on Vince.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41And it has to be clean.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43You could talk about what a great dad he is.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Not sure he'd appreciate me bringing up his weekend access visits.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Sharon, it's Vince.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Where's this kiddie, then? Yes, I'm at Membury Services...
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Eastbound...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Oh, you daft bint.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02All right, kiddo, I'm coming to get ya!
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Actually, is there a Little Chef on that side?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- No.- You come here, then.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Come on, come to Daddy.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12That's it.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Come on, come on, boy.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16SPLAT!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Sharon, it's Vince.
0:05:19 > 0:05:25Good news. You can dip into that college fund you started, yeah.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Any other Vince stories? Any at all?
0:05:28 > 0:05:32He's coming, my plus one! Yeah, he'll be here in a bit.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35What's his name, then? This amazing new boyfriend.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Oh. He's called, um...
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Salt. Salty. Salty Pepper. - Oh, right.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44No, fair play, for a minute I thought you'd made him up.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47So, Nelson, we'll want to be on a normal table,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50not stranded here with you sad, single, lonely bastards.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Stranded! Yes, that'd make a perfect best man speech!- What would?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57The amusing and mysterious tale of mine and Vince's time...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59on the island...
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I was out for one of my bi-monthly orienteering trips,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06when I first saw...
0:06:06 > 0:06:07the island.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10HORNS HONK
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Benjamin Fogle! I'm a castaway!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23'I was stranded.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29'Luckily for me, I'd packed the essentials,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31'but disaster struck.'
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Nooooo!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36'I knew that aside from food, shelter,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38'and the lack of a decent anti-frizz serum,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41'the most important thing was to keep my mind active.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43'Loneliness can send a man mad.'
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Hello, is that The Wright Stuff?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I have some banal and reactionary views
0:06:51 > 0:06:55on whatever it is Matthew and co are discussing, and...
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Yes, I will hold.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58'But I was not alone.'
0:06:58 > 0:07:00"Dykunt?" What is that, Flemish?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Oh, I see, it's meant to say.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- Die!- BLEEP!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09You can't eat me, Vince! I'm your friend!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12And, yes, you're a wild, savage beast,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14but the thing I've always admired about you,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16the contradiction at the very heart of your character,
0:07:16 > 0:07:20is that, nevertheless, you abide by your own very strong moral code!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- No I- BLEEP- don't. - Don't you? Oh, dear.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Change of tack. If you eat me, there goes the banter.- I hate banter.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Just cos I'm a manic-depressive with a criminal record,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- don't make me Stephen Fry. - Touche, milord!
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Thought I'd cook you alive, as it goes. Keeps the meat moist.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- I learnt that off Hugh- BLEEP- Whittingstall.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Fernley, Vince. It's Fernley.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42And I think you knew that.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Please, don't eat me!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I'll do anything, I'll beg, I'll pay you!
0:07:46 > 0:07:51- I'll use my innate sense of interior design to spruce this place up.- Oh?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Ta-da!
0:07:56 > 0:07:57So what do we think?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Oh, also, had some materials left over.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04So I made you a hat.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- BLEEP- me, that's jaunty!
0:08:12 > 0:08:13That is jaunty.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- That is very- BLEEP- jaunty.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20All right, you Swiss Family knobhead, you can live.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Now make me a waistcoat.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25'I was saved!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28'We soon settled into a cosy little routine.'
0:08:56 > 0:09:00This is nice, isn't it, Vince? Vince?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Nah, I was just thinking, I need to get off this sodding island.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Oh.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Oh, yes, of course.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09What? What is it?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Come on, I can smell your menopause from here.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16No, I just thought we had something special going on here.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18It's a shithole traffic island, Nelson.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I want to get back to civilisation.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Bins, fag ends, dog turds.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26You know, the simple life.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Plus I need sex.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Well, and this may be the moonlight talking...
0:09:32 > 0:09:33What?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36It's our island.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39We could do anything we want.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41What are you talking about?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Oh.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Oh. Oh.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Well, you know what they say, Nelson.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55What goes on on the island, stays on the island.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Actually, that story's not as appropriate as I thought.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- What happened, what happened? - Yeah, Nelson, what happened?
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Oh, uh, in the end, Vince threw a rock at a motorcyclist,
0:10:10 > 0:10:14caused a multiple pile-up, shut the ring road and we walked home.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17No, but what about the multiple pile-up on YOUR ring road?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Brap, brap, brap! Jokes! Innit, though. Do you get me, bruv?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Ha ha. Not entirely sure that I do.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Yeah, you're right, sounded rude, actually meaningless.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27You were right not to get me.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Sometimes I feel like nobody gets me.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34My turn! I got a good Vince story for your speech!
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Well...
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I was 16. I had just moved to Forks,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44a small town near the Washington coast,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48to live with my father Charlie after my mother remarried.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Also, I was a virgin.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Is this the plot to Twilight?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52No.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57Vince was also at this school but he was different from the other kids.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Little did I realise...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03he was a vampire.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Oh, no, wait. Yes. No. Yeah.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Oh, wait. Yes, it is the plot to Twilight.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Think you've misunderstood the brief there, Marion.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I need stories about Vince that happened.
0:11:12 > 0:11:17Ah! H'OK, how about when Vince disappeared in 1989,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20then 20 years later, I shrunk myself really tiny
0:11:20 > 0:11:22and went inside a computer
0:11:22 > 0:11:24that was full of tiny little people
0:11:24 > 0:11:27and Michael Sheen was there and he was rubbish?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- That's Tron: Legacy.- That was a film?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32No wonder Hollywood's in terminal decline.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Oi, Freeman, pass the salt.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Only God can judge me.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Though cannibalism is illegal,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43so I guess technically a judge could judge me.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Oh, is that cranberry sauce?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Hang about. Destiny, didn't Vince help you out
0:11:47 > 0:11:49that time Gary's missus was poorly?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Yeah, that's an uplifting story.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55See, Marion, this is what the speech needs. Let's have it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59It was summer '09 the first time Helen collapsed.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01She got referred to a specialist.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03They spent their lives in hospitals.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Which meant I was getting left at home for hours.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I was being neglected.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11And it was amazing!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14This is amazing!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17But like all good things,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Helen's degenerative heart condition had to come to an end.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26The funeral was the worst day of my whole, entire life.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I was with him all day.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30The fat, crying prick.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Apparently I was his "rock".
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Ah, a touch of the old Paul Burrells.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Produces his own wines now, interestingly.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Whenever I hear "rock", of course,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I think of the wrestler turned actor Dwayne "The Rock"...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- SHUT UP!- Please,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46it is the last time I will interrupt your story...
0:12:47 > 0:12:50It is not the last time I will interrupt your story.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Just when I thought life with Gary couldn't possibly get any worse.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Anyway, darling. Bought you some presents.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59God, she was a big girl.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Who's providing the hearse?
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Eddie Stobart?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Poem from me.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Photo of Nanny.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07And this from Destiny.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10So you can throw it when you see her in heaven.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Gary, you dick. That is not going to heaven!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Greed and sloth, Gary.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17That's two out of seven.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Now, just reach in there. - I know, girl, we all miss her.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20We're ready.
0:13:20 > 0:13:26I made a vow right then and there, I would get my tennis ball back.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I slipped out later that week to dig it back up.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32But it was really, really hard!
0:13:32 > 0:13:36So I went back to the cemetery every single day.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I remember seeing you down there once.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40I was going through that phase
0:13:40 > 0:13:43when I thought I was the film actor Will Smith.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Hey, Destiny.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50I Robot, The Fresh Prince, Men In Black II.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Sounds amusing now. It was actually a very dark time in my life.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Anyway, Wild Wild West bye.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Destiny!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03My very own Greyfriars Bobby!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Now, come on, girl, let's get you home.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Let go!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I am trying to rob your dead wife's grave, you bum-plumber!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I thought my ball was gone for ever.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18But that night I did something I'd never done before.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Helen, if you did manage to squeeze through those pearly gates,
0:14:21 > 0:14:26please return my ball.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Thank you, thank you, thank you!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35My goodness, Helen?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Vince, actually.
0:14:36 > 0:14:42Apparently he'd been out desecrating the graves of anyone born outside the European Union
0:14:42 > 0:14:43when he saw Helen's headstone
0:14:43 > 0:14:47and assumed her middle name, Xena, was of Eastern decent.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Vince.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Don't suppose you've seen Martin Lawrence?
0:14:51 > 0:14:59Only I'm supposed to be commencing first day of principle photography on Bad Boys 3.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04OK, thanks, anyway. I Am Legend, bye.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07So, anyway, one thing leads to another,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Vince decides to rob Helen's coffin.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Shitty poem, picture of Bruce Forsyth in a dress,
0:15:17 > 0:15:18tennis ball.
0:15:18 > 0:15:24- Well, where's the Terracotta Army, you dead Peking- BLEEP?
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Gary was so upset when he found out Helen's body had been dumped in Millwall Docks,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31he ended up in counselling!
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Five nights a week!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37And it was AMAZING!
0:15:37 > 0:15:41This is AMAZING!
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Wow.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Horrible story.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47So, in summary, Destiny's dead on the inside.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Kudos to Auntie Sandra and Uncle Frank,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52he is so light on the palette.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Kali's eating her cousin, and I've got no best man speech.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I'm going to regret this.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Marion, have you got another Vince anecdote?
0:16:02 > 0:16:07Oh, yes, my friend. You are aware that my relationship with Vince
0:16:07 > 0:16:12can be, how you say, fractious?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- Make sure you do your homework! - You can't tell me what to do!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Yes, I can, young lady!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19And when we get home, straight to your room.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- Why can't you see things from my point of- BLEEP- view?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Why can't you see things from MY point of view?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I didn't ask to be born!
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Turn that down right now, little miss, or so help me,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I will come in there!
0:16:37 > 0:16:38I hate you!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Why am I suddenly a- BLEEP- cat?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Wow. So that's quite freaky.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58OK, I'm going to stop you there, Marion.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02This freaky thing, did it by any chance happen on a Friday?
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Let me think.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I met a girl on the Monday, took her for a drink on the Tuesday,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08we were making love by Wednesday,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11which I thought was actually a bit much.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12I lost all respect for her that night.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14So, yeah, spilt up with her on the Thursday.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Which means it was a Friday, yes.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19So you could say it was a "freaky Friday"?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21That is it exactly!
0:17:21 > 0:17:22It was a freaky Friday.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25OK, just putting this out there
0:17:25 > 0:17:28for your own cultural wellbeing, really,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31cut up the Blockbuster card, read a book some time.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Fine, write your own fricking speech, I'm out!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41He's not only real but he's also finally arrived.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43This is Salty Pepper.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Hello, anyone got any crystal meth?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49HA HA HA HA! God, he's funny!
0:17:49 > 0:17:50God, you're funny!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Tell them what you do for a living.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- I'm a tramp's dog. - He's a pilot.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- And tell them where you live. - I'm homeless.- Knightsbridge.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01OK, I'm starting to maybe think Salty Pepper isn't your real name.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Well, you blew it. I said be believable.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Can I have my money now?- No. - Anyone got any change, like?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09MUMBLING
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Actually, why are we doing this?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13We don't have clothes, let alone pockets.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Or indeed, for that matter, any small change.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Oh, right. - They're setting up the ceilidh band.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Right, I need Vince stories!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Anything, I'm desperate!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26All right, all right. How about the story of Vince and Nathan?
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Nathan? Of course!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Who's Nathan? - Before your time.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32He was one of the original gang. In fact, when you first turned up
0:18:32 > 0:18:35you were known as the new Nathan for a while.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Just write this down.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40It was a weekend in May when Nathan first arrived.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Welcome to the garden, I'm Nelson.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Just to set you at ease, I may be a fox
0:18:46 > 0:18:50but I like to think more than that I'm a bloody good neighbour.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52So, panic over, I won't be eating you!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Unless you don't tie your rubbish up properly!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Ha ha ha!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I'm joking, of course.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04No, but seriously, we do get rats so put a knot in it!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07As it were... This is getting away from me. I'm Nelson.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- Kali.- Destiny. - And you're a cockerel.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15'I can remember wanting to make a cock joke but I didn't.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18'Because I couldn't think of one. So instead I just said...'
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Cock.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23'Which probably looked quite odd in hindsight.'
0:19:23 > 0:19:24And your name is?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27HE SIGHS
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Well, he's weird.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Come on, it's always hard joining a new group.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34We just need to make an extra special effort to include him
0:19:34 > 0:19:37in any capers or shenanigans that come our way.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39'So that's exactly what we did.'
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Nathan, bit of a pickle.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46The three-wheeler's broken down, we're on our way to a fancy dress party,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48any chance you could call us a cab?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49OK, then.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53How about you just keep an eye on some of our hooky gear?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57HE SIGHS
0:19:57 > 0:19:59'He just wasn't interested.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02'Until one afternoon weeks later.'
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I see Bernard Matthews has died.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Shame, he always seemed like such a jolly fellow.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09The man was a tyrant.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Oh, Nathan.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Rounded us up. Forced us into cages.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Barely move my head.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Not just me, women, children, the elderly.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19People dying where they stood.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Illness, plague, standing in your own filth.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- Cake!- Oh, lovely.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27You cannot go wrong with a bit of fruitcake.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Better crack on with the story.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Gary had rescued Nathan from a battery farm.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33But he was one of the...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35..lucky ones.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36My girlfriend.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Not so lucky. Salmonella.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40They came for her one night.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Took her into the yard.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Wrung her neck in plain view...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Anyone not want their marzipan?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48So I made a stand.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52From that day on I would never crow again.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Now, excuse me.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I'm feeling kind of sad.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Crikey.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- So tragic.- Not that arsed.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Well, I'm going to do something to lift his spirits.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I will make that cockerel crow again!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And I think I know just how.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15'See, I'd a read lovely piece in Men's Health
0:21:15 > 0:21:20'about inner-city boxing clubs that help restore self-esteem.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24'Which I soon discovered are an entirely different thing from cockfighting.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27'Which is just plain barbaric.'
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And I appreciate you all trying to make me feel at home,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32apart from you, Destiny.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35But I just want to be left alone.
0:21:35 > 0:21:41Guess that's it, then, guys. Guess we'll never hear that cockerel crow.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Oh, my God, it's hatching.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45My girlfriend, her last egg!
0:21:45 > 0:21:46I saved it!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Played it her favourite song every day!
0:21:49 > 0:21:50It's hatching!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Children of men!
0:21:52 > 0:21:53It's a miracle!
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Still not that arsed.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57'As Nathan clapped eyes on his son for the first time,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59'something magical happened.'
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Cock-a-doodle-do!
0:22:03 > 0:22:08'The cockerel finally crowed, loud and proud for all to hear.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I've got it! That's the speech!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15It's gently amusing, it's relatable, it's got a nice moral.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- It's got no Vince. - Ah, yeah.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20No, now I think of it, he was there.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Cock-a-doodle-do!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Cock-a-doodle-do!
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- It's four in the morning, you cock-a-doodle- BLEEP.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Argh!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I've got nothing, no speech.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Vince is going to kill me!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37He really will!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Marion, when the time comes to arrange my gravestone...
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Yes? - ..I just want something simple.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44"Here lies Nelson.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47"He lived, he loved, he laughed.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50"And yeah, he cried. Sure he did.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55"But if he had his time over again, would he do it all just the same?"
0:22:55 > 0:22:57No, of course he wouldn't!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00He'd just steal a load of generic best man jokes off the internet!
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Or better still he'd say, "Sorry, Vince, I can't be best man,
0:23:04 > 0:23:08"I'm off on a walking holiday in the Chilterns that bloody weekend!"
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Yeah, don't know about you,
0:23:10 > 0:23:14but I was seeing your gravestone as two lollipop sticks glued together.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16So the writing's going to be pretty small.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Sorry, Nelson.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Ich habe eine question.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Why are you even friends mit Vince?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Because...he's a mate, obviously!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27He's a bully, Nelson.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29If you don't stand up to him one day,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32you'll be for ever in his shadow.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Wow, everything you say sounds so wise.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Centre Parcs are famous for their indoor pools.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38See?!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41This is your chance to break free, Nelson.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Because it's like I always say,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"Get busy living, or get busy dying."
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I've got gooseflesh!
0:23:48 > 0:23:52OK. I think I know what my speech needs to be.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Say something about penguins.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55No.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00..And she is lovely and she is kind
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and she is the most beautiful fox in the world
0:24:03 > 0:24:07and if she hadn't taught me my letters
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I wouldn't have written this speech,
0:24:09 > 0:24:13so if anyone disagrees with me
0:24:13 > 0:24:18I will kill everyone I have ever met, including myself.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Thank you, thanks. Enjoy the day.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Now, I'd love to stand before you all today
0:24:25 > 0:24:28to make a series of light-hearted observations
0:24:28 > 0:24:32about Vince being rubbish at cooking and leaving the toilet seat up.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Nelson! Stitching me right up!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I'd love to do that.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39But I can't.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Because the truth is, Vince is a nasty, spiteful bully.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47He's uncouth, he's sexually-violent, and he's foul-mouthed.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49So what I really want to say, Vince,
0:24:49 > 0:24:53is that I don't want to be your friend any more.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Nelson,
0:24:56 > 0:25:02in front of all these people, my wife, friends, new family,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I'm going to say one thing to you...
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Thank you.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09GASPING
0:25:09 > 0:25:15Because, Penny, he's right. I am all those things.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20- Matter of fact, I, Vincent Fox, am a- BLEEP.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23GASPING
0:25:23 > 0:25:25# From Millwall to the Albert dock
0:25:25 > 0:25:27# There's one thing plain to see
0:25:27 > 0:25:30# In this entire borough there's no bastard bad as me
0:25:30 > 0:25:34# I guess it ain't a huge surprise that I have got no friends
0:25:34 > 0:25:37# Well, it was you that had your stag do ethnically cleansed
0:25:37 > 0:25:40# When I was a little cub my Grandma said to me
0:25:40 > 0:25:43# Please, son, put the gun down You can have all my money
0:25:43 > 0:25:47# Silly cow, she kept her savings underneath the bed
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- # So I nicked her- BLEEP- pension book and shot her in the head. #
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- # He robbed me - Knifed me - Shot me
0:25:55 > 0:25:57# He poured acid down my front
0:25:57 > 0:26:00# He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt
0:26:03 > 0:26:06ALL: # I think that we all agree he is a massive...
0:26:06 > 0:26:09# Dum-diddle-um diddle-um diddle-um diddle-aye
0:26:09 > 0:26:11# Um-diddle-um diddle-um-diddle-aye
0:26:11 > 0:26:12# Dum-diddle-um diddle-um
0:26:12 > 0:26:16# You've got to give me credit for keeping our streets clean
0:26:16 > 0:26:19# I'm on the Atkins diet so I'm eating tramps and queens
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# Why don't you join the BNP? I think you'll fit in fine
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- # You must be- BLEEP- joking I know where to draw the line
0:26:29 > 0:26:30- # He robbed me - Knifed me - Shot me
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# He poured acid down my front
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt
0:26:39 > 0:26:41ALL: # I think that we all agree he is a massive...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43# Dum-diddle-um diddle-um diddle-um diddle-aye
0:26:43 > 0:26:45# Dum-diddle-um diddle-um
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# Remember when we first met on that night out in the park?
0:26:48 > 0:26:52# You were so romantic I just felt an instant spark
0:26:52 > 0:26:56# If I'm being honest that spark was a Taser gun
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# I knocked you unconscious then I had my bit of fun
0:26:58 > 0:26:59- # He robbed me - Knifed me - Shot me
0:26:59 > 0:27:01# He poured acid down my front
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt
0:27:04 > 0:27:08# He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt
0:27:08 > 0:27:11ALL: # I think that we all agree he is a massive...
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# Oooooh
0:27:20 > 0:27:24# He anally invaded me as a publicity stunt
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# I think that we all agree
0:27:26 > 0:27:34- # He is a massive- BLEEP.- #
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- I'm a- BLEEP.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41So now you know the real me, I'll get out of your life for ever.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Vince, wait.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45I still love you.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I'll always love you.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51I love you for you, no matter what.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Oh, Penny.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- Now kiss me, you- BLEEP!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00- Did you just call me a- BLEEP, - sweetheart?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I thought we were all doing it.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05ARGH! AAARGH!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08TASER FIRING
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Still, at least the weather held.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:18 > 0:28:21E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Cock-a-doodle-doo!