0:00:11 > 0:00:13Ah! I love people-watching.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16They really are THE most fascinating creatures.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18- Has he gone yet?- Gary?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20No. Still looking for you.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Well, I ain't going back out there.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- Not while he's wearing those!- Yes.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29- Yes they are rather tight, aren't they?- Earlier, when he sat down...
0:00:29 > 0:00:30I saw summink.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Humans are just like us, aren't they?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Look, that young girl could be Kali.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38And that gentleman of the road, Marion.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Look, there's Vince, beating up small children
0:00:41 > 0:00:43for their packed lunches.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Good morning- BLEEP.- Who fancies a Robinson's Fruit Shoot?
0:00:46 > 0:00:47No, thanks, Vince.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Oi, look! That's like the human version of me.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Stacey Solomon! So it is.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00Oop! And who's this eager swain come to chance his heart?
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Ha ha ha! It's you! It's the human Nelson!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06That's ridiculous. He's not like me.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Patsy Kensit. Will I ever find true love?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Don't want to play this game any more.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15# La la la la
0:01:15 > 0:01:17# La la la laaa la
0:01:17 > 0:01:21# La la la la laaaa. #
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Then he picked up some fish from Waitrose, wrapped it in pastry,
0:01:25 > 0:01:2830 minutes in the oven and bang! Salmon-en-croute,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30ready in time for Rebus.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32So very, very interesting.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Is he still banging on about that cock from the park?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Come on. It's not every day you find your human counterpart.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And he is such a cool guy.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44He's a rat-faced ginger virgin called Neil.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Well, let me tell you something, Kali.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49That's what they said about Neil Kinnock.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51And he's got a... wife, now. So.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53If this Neil is so sexy,
0:01:53 > 0:01:57why don't you go off and live beside his dustbin? Hmm? Hmm?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59HMM?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Oi, Nelson, you otter's knob!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Remember at the park when I was hiding from Gary in those pervy shorts?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Well, I waited until he went out and then I snuck upstairs,
0:02:07 > 0:02:08went into his wardrobe
0:02:08 > 0:02:11and I opened all the drawers and then I couldn't find his shorts.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13So I stabbed his hamster.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Oh, Hamish. I barely knew ye.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Anyway bye!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I should get going, too, actually.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I'm meant to be over at Vanessa Feltz's place.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Serious? You're still doing that?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Hells, yeah, bitch. I'm in for it for as long as it takes.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34DULL TAPPING
0:02:37 > 0:02:40That's right, Feltz.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Try to ignore it.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I ain't going nowhere.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Behold! All that is Neil.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Wow!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55He's got a lot of exotic loose-leaf tea.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Whittard's. Up a bit.- Ah, yes.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59What's the human me doing now?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Nothing interesting. Moving some furniture, pottering around...
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Uh-oh.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I just seen a cat I used to go out with.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I really don't want a conversation with her.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11It didn't end well.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13EERIE MUSIC
0:03:13 > 0:03:15THUNDER RUMBLES
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Die, daughter of Dracul!
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Argh!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Apparently she wasn't a wampire,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24just had these two pointy teeth.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Which I later discovered all cats do.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Hey, look at me Nelson, I have pointy teeth.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I am wampire, too! Hey!
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Hey! Heyyy!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Hello, Marion.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Hello, Jasmine.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39How's things?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I see the heart surgery went well.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Last time I saw you, you were stray.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Eating out of the dustbins behind a dodgy pub.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47What are you up to these days?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Marion, think of something she will not suspect is lies.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Now I've heard you say that part, I'll hardly believe...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I am currently head of European marketing at GlaxoSmithKline.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Oh, you have child.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Yes. He's...since we split up.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Hello, esteemed friend of my mother.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- A fine lad! His father must be very proud.- Indeed, he is!
0:04:09 > 0:04:12If only I had such a strapping son.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14If only I knew who that father was.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Oh! Derek Bentley!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Marion, we need to get in there!
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Mother, who was that awesome cat?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Well, I suppose I can't keep it from you forever.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Leslie, that imbecile, he... he was the one
0:04:29 > 0:04:32who stabbed me through the heart with a sharpened towel rail.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33No!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Also, he's your dad.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36At last!
0:04:36 > 0:04:37I have found my father!
0:04:37 > 0:04:42On the downside I've also discovered that my mother...bit of a slag.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Jesus, Gary, why?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53It's like I can feel it looking at me.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Come on lads. My dog can pass better than that.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Oh, God, this is boring.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Look at this poor old bastard! Gone to sleep.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I heard that young man.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Urgh-urr-urgh.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Do you always make that noise?
0:05:07 > 0:05:11No offence, disgusting. Truly.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I may be old but I still have my pleasures in life.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Nnnnrgh.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19A pig toy? Show me something I haven't seen.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20OINK! OINK! OINK!
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Ah-ha ha ha ha!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25It's a pig and it makes a noise like a pig. It works on two levels.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha!
0:05:27 > 0:05:28OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Ha ha! SHE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Ah-ha ha ha! Nah, bored, novelty's worn off.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34OINK! Ah-ha ha ha ha!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37It hadn't worn off. I was just temporarily jaded!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Oh, my days! I have to have it.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Tired now, Bubala.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Leave me alone.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Please, let me have it.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Would you like me to dance for ya?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49So, is this doing anything for you?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Not sexually, no.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55But they tell me shapes and colours are very good
0:05:55 > 0:05:59stimulation to help stave off the dementia.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Urrrgh, mmm. Urrrgh.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04So go on, keep going.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Yeah. Just like that. There's a good girl.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Urgh. Mmm.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09NEIL GURGLES
0:06:09 > 0:06:11THEY GASP
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Hang in there, big man, we're getting you down.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Why suicide, Neil?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19You're an eBay Powerseller AND you've got an Amazon Kindle!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22You are quite literally living la vida.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Oh. It's that girl from the park.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Suddenly it starts to make sense.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Papa?
0:06:30 > 0:06:31It is me.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32I think...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I am your son!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I don't believe it!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38He has a child.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40You selfish bastard!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48You're losing your grip now, Feltz.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49I can see it.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Let it go.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01It's weird. You think I'd feel younger standing next to you.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05But it's like I'm constantly being reminded that every second that goes past
0:07:05 > 0:07:09takes me closer to being a stinking, sagging,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11wheezing sack of death, like you.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14You repulsive old bastard.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17And yet you've got Oinky Pig.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20And for that reason, I do.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Thank you, Destiny, for those...lovely vows.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I now pronounce you husband and wife.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- Yay!- You may now kiss your bride.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Get off me, pervert!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33That's it then. It's just you, me and Oinky Pig!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Ooh, no, you don't.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38No-one touches the Oinky Pig but me.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40He even came with me that time I appeared in
0:07:40 > 0:07:43one of the early Harry Potter films.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Quite amusing actually.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52No.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54No, no, it's gone.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Not a bad morning's work, eh, Kali?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Saving a suicidal man.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Big deal. I help suicidal people all the time.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07You want to grind the pills up, yeah?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10And use a decent vodka, else you won't keep it down.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Hello? Hello?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Ha! One for the board!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Three more, I get a box of doughnuts.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Brap.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Now all I have to do is improve Neil's love life
0:08:22 > 0:08:24and he'll be absolutely fine.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Forget it match-dot-cock.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You got no chance.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30My friends, say hello to my son Leslie.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Brethren!
0:08:32 > 0:08:33You got access?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35His mother agreed I can see him every week!
0:08:35 > 0:08:39So long as nothing terrible happens!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43So, you're the Guvnor's son, are you?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- What?- Well, round here, we call this guy the Guvnor.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- No, we don't.- Know why?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Because everyone respects him. Because he's a cool guy.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52No, he ain't.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55What you winking at me for? I think he's a twat.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Oh, that's just the kind of banter we share round here!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Isn't that right, the Guvnor?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Nelson, who are you talking to?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05It's... It's... Oh, never mind. Carry on.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07So, what would you like to do today?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11I want my boy to have all the things in life I have missed out on.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13What, like testicles?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- What's she talking about, Papa? - Oh, ho ho ho! You ain't told him?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- There are subjects I haven't got round...- Your dad's got no balls!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Kali!- Kid's got a right to know, Guv.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25It's OK, Papa. Truly, there is no shame in it.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28There is deep shame in it.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- Leslie.- You're a very nasty pigeon.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Yeah, yeah. - PAGER BEEPS
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Oop. It's Vanessa time!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Again? How long have you been doing that?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42# So here it is, merry Christmas... #
0:09:42 > 0:09:47# You're beautiful You're beautiful... #
0:09:47 > 0:09:50# In your Easter bonnet... #
0:09:50 > 0:09:53# Woah! We're going to Ibiza... #
0:09:53 > 0:09:54ADDAMS FAMILY THEME PLAYS
0:09:54 > 0:09:57# So here it is... #
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Two days.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Yes, yes. Very droll.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03No, really. It's actually quite sad.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I think she's got some kind of mental illness.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11OK, Neil. Operation True Romance,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15stage one, winning the lady's heart.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17If I've learnt anything from Audrey Hepburn films,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20it's that women love a mink!
0:10:20 > 0:10:21DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Arrrgh!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Huh, maybe not all women.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Who's there? I know there's someone there.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32What's going on?
0:10:32 > 0:10:33SHE SQUEALS
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Listen, pal. You stay away or you'll have me to answer to.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Looks like we've got ourselves a little love triangle.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Ha ha ha! Oh, classic rom-com!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Here's where I live. Not that you'll remember.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Senile old prick.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Senile?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Let me remind you about the time I appeared on
0:11:03 > 0:11:05the canine version of Mastermind!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Expelliamus!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11See, that's totally the wrong flashback.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13You were meant to have that ten minutes ago.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Oh, dear.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Clive Dunn! Destiny, I didn't know granddad was visiting!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- He's not my granddad, you wolf's perineum. He's my husband.- Husband?!
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Married him for his Oinky Pig. Now I'm waiting for him to die.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Oh. No. It's just...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I always thought I'd be your first husband.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34No, I know, there's still plenty of time for us but...
0:11:34 > 0:11:39Nelson! Let me stop you there. For some time now I've made it clear I don't fancy you.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43I've expressed this through verbal abuse, physical violence,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45and, in one case, by having six tonnes of toxic sludge
0:11:45 > 0:11:47deposited in your den.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48That was you?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Gosh, I owe Tesco Direct an apology!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I tried all of those things and they failed.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56So, today, I'm going to try something different.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I'm going to talk and I want you to listen.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04And this is real.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05This is not banter.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I'm not even going to shout at you because I know you'll think that,
0:12:09 > 0:12:10underneath all that aggression,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13there's some kind of sexual tension.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16There isn't.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18And I don't say this to be cruel.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22The cruel thing would be to let you carry on in the misguided belief
0:12:22 > 0:12:23that there's anything there.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25At all.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Because there's nothing.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Nothing.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Literally nothing.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34This ends now.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36The end of us.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41Well, not that there ever was, or ever will be, an "us".
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Never.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Genuinely never.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Never, never, never.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Now, is there anything you want to say?
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Erm, just...thank you.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- Thank you for being honest. - That's OK.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02You coming back to the bins?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05No. No, I just want to...stay here.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Finish my coffee.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Right that's him dealt with!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Just leaves you.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Hold the spray can.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23WHISTLES
0:13:23 > 0:13:24- Afternoon,- BLEEP!
0:13:24 > 0:13:29All right, Vince. My husband here said he had a message for ya.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Oh, dear.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Those words make me very angry.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- Do you know why?- Hello.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Because...because I never learnt how to read.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Oh, for Christ's sake!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I don't want sympathy. It's me own fault.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I dropped out of school early for an apprenticeship.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Mind you, that did end badly.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53And all right, I got the costings wrong on the salad dressing.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58- But, I mean, what kind of- BLEEP - team name is Symposium anyway?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59So, you watch the football?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- You what, sorry, mate? - Arsenal or Manchester?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Nah, actually I'm doing a little bit to camera here.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Sorry, thought you were talking to me.- No, well, I wasn't.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Anyway, dessert was nice. Seven!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Hang on.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Teach me how to read, old-timer.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Teach me what you've written on the wall.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Yeah, go on. Teach him.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Well, let's see now. It says...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Vince...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Oh! That's me! Yeah, my name's Vince. Carry on.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Vince...is...a...
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Now I know the next letter.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33That's a curly 'cuh', innit?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35So Vince is a c...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Vince i-is...a...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41BLEEP.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- You what, sweetheart?- BLEEP. - Vince is a- BLEEP.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I can't hear you, sugarlump. Speak up.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Vince is a- BLEEP!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Did you just call me a- BLEEP?
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Oh! Look, Vince, I just want you to kill my elderly husband.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Now if that's too much to ask...
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Matter of fact, it is.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04I'm doing a sponsored non-violence month in aid of cystic fibrosis.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- So if you want to kill your husband why not just- BLEEP- him to death.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I mean, that's how we said goodbye to my old dad.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12This may sound crazy, my boy.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15But one day, you will meet right person.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18You, too, will want your balls cut off.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Don't think I will, Papa.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25Ah, my boy, so much you have to learn.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28# Aha, aha, yes!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34# Since I wasn't around When you were a kitten
0:15:34 > 0:15:37# Here's a father's advice Make sure you listen!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39# You've got to go to university
0:15:39 > 0:15:42# Do media studies It's a useful degree
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# Sniff loads of glue The feeling's incredible
0:15:45 > 0:15:48# And never use condoms They make the sex terrible!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51# Forget what they tell you at school
0:15:51 > 0:15:53# Aha, aha, aha, yes!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56# Smoking makes you look cool
0:15:56 > 0:15:58# Aha, aha, light up
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# Keep your PIN number simple Like one, two, three, four
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# I have mine tattooed on my paw
0:16:03 > 0:16:06# If a Nigerian prince ever emails
0:16:06 > 0:16:09# Send him your bank account details
0:16:09 > 0:16:12# Instead of a job Play internet poker
0:16:12 > 0:16:14# But never forget You gots to be a smoker
0:16:14 > 0:16:17# Forget what they tell you at school
0:16:17 > 0:16:19# Aha, aha, light up, yeah!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22# Smoking makes you look cool
0:16:22 > 0:16:25# Aha, aha, light up
0:16:25 > 0:16:27# Always accept lift from strangers
0:16:27 > 0:16:30# Hitch-hiking's free With very few dangers
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# Send stuff to newspapers While you're hammered
0:16:33 > 0:16:35# They published my cartoon Of Prophet Muhammad
0:16:35 > 0:16:39# Forget what they tell you at school
0:16:39 > 0:16:41# Join new religion When you are pissed
0:16:41 > 0:16:44# Smoking makes you look cool
0:16:44 > 0:16:46# This is why I am Scientologist
0:16:46 > 0:16:49# Forget what they tell you at school
0:16:49 > 0:16:51# Sell a kidney, if you are broke
0:16:51 > 0:16:54# Smoking makes you look cool
0:16:54 > 0:16:57# But never sell a lung, boy Cos you've got to smoke. #
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Wow, Papa! I think I just became a man.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Yes, you did, my boy. Yes, you did.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05What do you think, Nelson?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Leave me.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I'm trying to eat chocolate spread, listen to My Chemical Romance
0:17:11 > 0:17:12and weep quietly.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Why the big celebration?
0:17:14 > 0:17:15No celebration, Marion.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17It's Destiny.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19It's all over. For good this time.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Nelson, this is crazy talk!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23It is the talk of a suicidal person.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I am a suicidal person.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Oh, in that case, makes perfect sense.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- Sorry for the confusion.- I don't expect you to understand, Marion.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34No-one understands me.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36No-one except...
0:17:43 > 0:17:47So I was wondering...if you'd be up for a suicide pact.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Neil?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Chazz Palminteri!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09# Where is my mind? #
0:18:09 > 0:18:15This has to be the most romantic thing I've ever seen!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Oh, how could I be so weak?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19True love means never giving up!
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Well, don't you worry, Neil. I'll get you two lovebirds back together
0:18:23 > 0:18:25if it's the last thing I do!
0:18:25 > 0:18:26GLASS SMASHES
0:18:26 > 0:18:28CAR ALARM BLARES
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Neil, tell me you're not the Subaru.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36OK, Feltz.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Time to take this up a notch.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41TAPS FASTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Look.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50If we are going to have sex, you have to promise me
0:18:50 > 0:18:53you're going to die during, or immediately after.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55HE WHEEZES
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Quickly. I just wanted to say thanks.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59I was so embarrassed I couldn't read them words on the wall,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I went and acquired myself
0:19:01 > 0:19:04a basic-grade qualification in adult literacy.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05APPLAUSE
0:19:05 > 0:19:09It has opened up a whole new world to me.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You saucy twat.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Hurrrgh, yarrgh!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Finally!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Cor! There ends the amnesty.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I'd better take down that Just Giving page.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Cor dear!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Come on, then, Nelson. It's rom-com time!
0:19:35 > 0:19:42# Walk away if you want to
0:19:42 > 0:19:49# It's OK if you need to
0:19:49 > 0:19:53# Well, you can run But you can never hide... #
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Ah! Forbidden love. How Shakespearean.
0:19:56 > 0:20:04# ..that shadow that's creeping up beside you
0:20:04 > 0:20:08# And there's a magic running through your soul
0:20:08 > 0:20:13# That you can have it all
0:20:13 > 0:20:15# Whatever you do... #
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Aaarrrgh!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18# ..I'll be two steps... #
0:20:18 > 0:20:20DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:20 > 0:20:27- # ..Wherever you go - And I'll be there to remind you
0:20:27 > 0:20:33# That it only takes a minute of your precious time... #
0:20:33 > 0:20:36You keep on ringing, Neil. She can't stay in there forever.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41# ..To turn around I'll be two steps behind. #
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Oh, Neil. Lost his nerve again.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47But then things are always their bleakest before the happy ending.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52That's why it's three weddings, then a funeral, THEN a wedding.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Yeah, this really is shaping up to be a classic love story!
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Oh, this is going to be so much sweeter knowing I earnt it.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Put that pig down!
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Says who?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Your stepdaughter, bitch.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Daddy promised me that toy when I was two.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16Maybe he did. But Daddy died intestate,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19so his estate naturally passes over to the spouse.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Intestate?
0:21:20 > 0:21:24This signed and notarised document promises all squeaky toys to me.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27What are you going to do about that?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I might just lodge a caveat at the probate registry,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33preventing a grant of probate without my full notification.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35That's your right.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Unless I counter-issue you with a warning denying entitlement.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Ahhh! Bitch!
0:21:42 > 0:21:43THEY GROWL
0:21:43 > 0:21:46OINK!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Leslie! Where have you been?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52I have befriended a fox cub, a puppy dog and a young pigeon.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54So cute. What do you do?
0:21:54 > 0:21:59We deal with the kind of issues that apparently affect young people.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I'm being pressured into sex instead of GCSEs.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08I want to be a DJ but I've been offered drugs.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Bullied via a social networking site.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17Come on, guys. You're forgetting the environment!
0:22:17 > 0:22:21There is phone number if you have been affected by any of this.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23No.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25One other thing. I've had my balls cut off.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Why the frig? - I want to be just like you, Papa.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I want to have no testicles and live in a dustbin.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33It is not as glamorous as you make it sound.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Marion, I need help. I'm not having any luck getting the humans back together.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39If only I could find the perfect present.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Something adorable that she'd instantly fall in love with.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Women love kittens. I mean, that is a fact.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Papa?
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Son, if my balls have taught me anything, and, believe me,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54they haven't, it is that you must let go of the things you love.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- Have you seen the film Little Miss Sunshine?- Yes.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- Does it illustrate my point in any way?- Not really.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Fair enough, long shot. Should've picked a film I'd seen.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Fact remains, if I can get you an entry-level position
0:23:07 > 0:23:11in a good household, perhaps your mother will forgive me.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14If my Papa wills it, so it must be.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Leslie, I will visit many times.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Regularly to begin.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25Then, as time goes by and it becomes more of a chore, less and less frequently.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Until one day, almost without noticing,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32I am no longer a part of your life.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Then I will come back one more time to borrow some money.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Which you will never get back.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45As executor of your late husband's estate, it falls to me to manage
0:23:45 > 0:23:47and settle his affairs. And Trixie is named
0:23:47 > 0:23:50as residuary beneficiary of all her father's assets.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Sweet!- One minute, bitch!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Is that before or after pecuniary gifts?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00What part of "residuary beneficiary" don't you understand, tart?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04There are no pecuniary gifts, Destiny. She's sole beneficiary.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Well, not according to this codicil, she ain't.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Give that to me.- Oh, what are you going to do, revoke it(?)
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Revoke this, you slag!
0:24:13 > 0:24:14THEY GRUNT
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Silence! I'll have you both in contempt. Silence!
0:24:17 > 0:24:18OINK! OINK OINK!
0:24:18 > 0:24:19BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Silence! - OINK! OINK! OINNK...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Oh, bloody hell. Think I've broken it.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Yep. No, I have. I've broken it.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Not interested.- Forget it then. - Right. Next case.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33The estate of Beatrix Potter versus Vincent Fox.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Oh, dear!- Look, for the last time,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- I created the character of Jemima Bucket- BLEEP
0:24:40 > 0:24:43in good faith.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54For fuck's sake.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56# Hallelujah! #
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Yes! Bo! Boom-shack-a-lack-a-lack-a-lack-a!
0:24:59 > 0:25:05I took you down, Feltz! I took you all the way down!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I took you down to Chinatown!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Oh, my gosh, this feels good! Ha ha!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Oh, my neck does ache though.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Oh, my God. Wow.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Oh, it's not until you stop. Jeez.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20God!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Ta-da!- What?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Our two lovers, from the park.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I've finally engineered a meeting between them.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32See, Marion and I have been busy bees.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35We smuggled Leslie in as a special surprise.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Then borrowed a door key and snuck into Timpsons.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42Then Marion delivered the key to our male.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43I made sure there'd be no interruptions
0:25:43 > 0:25:45by disconnecting Denise's landline.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50Then there was nothing left to do so I just read for a bit.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Then I nearly went for a swim but it's a weekend
0:25:54 > 0:25:56so it'd just be full of kids.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I'm straying from the point.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Why, Nelson?
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Why are you even doing this?
0:26:02 > 0:26:07Because...I was thinking if you saw that the human us,
0:26:07 > 0:26:12Well, if they could... Well, then maybe there's hope for us.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Oh, you total loser!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16But here comes Neil!
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Oh, please stay. This'll be like the sweetest rom-com moment ever.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Well, she does look surprised.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Oh, just look at that face! Priceless.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29She don't look happy, Nelson.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Well, if she'd only stop screaming and listen to what he has to say.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Who's that other guy?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Oh! The boyfriend! He's supposed to be out.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Come on, Neil, stand up for yourself.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Oh, there's a turn-up.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- Did you know he was bringing a gun? - I must be honest, no.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- SHOTGUN BLAST STACEY:- Aaargh!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- SHOTGUN BLAST NEIL:- God, help me!
0:26:47 > 0:26:48SHOTGUN BLAST
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# You say it best... #
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Richard Curtis, I am not.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54# When you say nothing at all. #
0:26:58 > 0:27:00So what happened with this human?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Yeah. Played out as bit of an oddball
0:27:02 > 0:27:04rom-com in the end. Bit left-field.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Three funerals, no wedding.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09What a total frigging psycho!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Ho-ho ho-ho ho! He was.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13He really, REALLY was. Huh-huh!
0:27:13 > 0:27:17And, can I just say, nothing like me.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# Ain't no sunshine When she's gone... #
0:27:20 > 0:27:23BLUBBERS UNCONTROLLABLY
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# ..Only darkness every day. #
0:27:26 > 0:27:28So...
0:27:28 > 0:27:33My son, I will never forgive myself for leading you into that house of death.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Oy, the humanity.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38But remember, not a word to your mother
0:27:38 > 0:27:40or she ma-a-ay restrict my access.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Not a word about what?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43The fact he's covered in blood
0:27:43 > 0:27:46or the fact he's got no balls?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Farewell, Papa.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51All the best for the future. Don't suppose you've got £5?
0:27:51 > 0:27:52And how's Miss Feltz?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Yeah, I've put all that behind me.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I got two seconds' satisfaction and felt empty again.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59So I found something more fulfilling in my life.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- You've moved onto someone else, haven't you?- No.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03PAGER BEEPS
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Yeah.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09That's right, Anthea. I've got as long as it takes.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:19 > 0:28:22E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:31 > 0:28:33OINK! OINK! DESTINY: Ha ha ha ha!