:00:27. > :00:37.This programme contains very strong Are you filming this? That is
:00:37. > :00:40.
:00:40. > :00:50.adorable. Ah, I wonder how he got in there?
:00:50. > :01:00.Someone help. That rat stole my Someone help. That rat stole my
:01:00. > :01:05.
:01:05. > :01:15.Compromise, I will let you keep the little peas, please.
:01:15. > :01:21.
:01:21. > :01:22.Oh, I wonder if my head would fit through that tyre.
:01:22. > :01:32.LAUGHTER Please, please, why are you filming
:01:32. > :01:39.
:01:39. > :01:43.this? Look at there, you are loving The thing I find most amazing seven
:01:43. > :01:49.of our firemen and women work through the night toe set you free
:01:49. > :01:51.and then give up. . I don't suppose anyone has AA
:01:51. > :02:01.membership. I believe it retails in the
:02:01. > :02:05.
:02:05. > :02:12.region... Does that take into account inflation? Disrespect, you
:02:12. > :02:15.got schooled, biatch. When you are alone you have got to
:02:15. > :02:25.cry. At least you made YouTube's most
:02:25. > :02:29.
:02:29. > :02:33.viewed. You are an iconic star. LAUGHTER
:02:33. > :02:40.No fair play, Nelson, good one. Snoom I am on fire and so quick.
:02:40. > :02:44.You are like Michael McIntyre on speed. Can I quote you on that?
:02:44. > :02:47.Just getting some material together should I wish to go down the stand-
:02:47. > :02:53.up route. Rosie. Rosie. Rosie.
:02:53. > :02:57.Yes. You slag. Oh. All right you lot? Just
:02:57. > :03:01.catching up with me mates. Lovely stuff. That's what noise?
:03:01. > :03:07.What noise? That noise. I can't hear anything.
:03:07. > :03:10.It is like really high-pitched squealing.
:03:10. > :03:17.I wasn't aware Leona Lewis had a single out.
:03:17. > :03:21.I would like to withdraw my quote. It is like it is coming from in the
:03:21. > :03:31.pub. Right Marion, let's get you out
:03:31. > :03:32.
:03:32. > :03:40.that tyre. I am sure I have got some cocoa in the den.
:03:40. > :03:44.Just getting the second wave. Dr Christian Jessen - who is he out of
:03:45. > :03:48.interest? We just need to need to get our
:03:48. > :03:55.hands on that planning application. It is impossible.
:03:55. > :03:59.Nothing is impossible with the help of a a trench coat. Ha-ha, hop on
:03:59. > :04:03.my learned friend. The problem is A, we are only three
:04:03. > :04:08.feet tall and B, we still have the face of a fox.
:04:08. > :04:11.You're standing on my inner-tube. Alternatively we just go in through
:04:11. > :04:16.the open window. Which would be easier.
:04:16. > :04:21.Ah, someone is watching me on YouTube. Look at the joy on their
:04:21. > :04:29.faces. I am like that retarded kid who made the stupid Star Wars.
:04:29. > :04:39.I am into the doing it again. Gary, he is building a smoking area.
:04:39. > :04:42.
:04:42. > :04:49.He is concreting over my den. Someone is coming.
:04:49. > :04:55.Arch. I am looking for the bureau of
:04:55. > :05:01.maintenance. Next door down. Danke.
:05:02. > :05:05.That was too close. Come on. It is definitely coming from around
:05:05. > :05:12.here. Oh one of them things with
:05:12. > :05:16.chocolate in it. Were you knocking? You came,
:05:16. > :05:24.finally someone heard my distress whistle.
:05:24. > :05:30.That noise was you, you goose penis. We are all in darning. In danger.
:05:30. > :05:38.It is your owner, Gary, they sent you, didn't they, the CIA?
:05:38. > :05:45.FBI? No. MI6? The Bilderberg Group?
:05:45. > :05:49.The Freemasons? Parcelforce?
:05:49. > :05:53.Bastards. Any time between 9am and 9pm.
:05:53. > :05:56.OK, you big mental fruitcakeks lovely you to meet you back in your
:05:56. > :06:00.box. You haven't heard the truth about
:06:01. > :06:06.this place. That's why Gary stuck me down here because I know too
:06:06. > :06:16.much. Take me with with you and I will tell you everything.
:06:16. > :06:16.
:06:16. > :06:22.Anything to stop that stupid noise. Bloody hell.
:06:22. > :06:29.Well, it is all here, you will lose your home within 24 hours. Joanna
:06:29. > :06:34.Lumley and the Ghurkhas. It is OK, I have seen the acclaimed
:06:34. > :06:41.Disney Pixar movie many times, Up. I can sell your property. I have
:06:41. > :06:45.abducted a fat boy scout. Anyone remember what happens next? Doif Do
:06:45. > :06:48.I have any legal grounds for appeal?
:06:48. > :06:51.I will tell you why because you are a fox.
:06:51. > :06:56.That's it. I will have to move away from my Destiny.
:06:56. > :07:06.There is one clause in the planning permission if your bin store was
:07:06. > :07:08.
:07:09. > :07:13.the hab hat of an -- habitat of an endangered species. Would you mind
:07:13. > :07:21.removing that overweight child from my office.
:07:21. > :07:27.OK, back on fire. Just found him in some box, he has
:07:27. > :07:31.been in there years. What have you been doing that time? Thinking and
:07:31. > :07:38.using my mind as a weapon against those who would seek to destroy me
:07:38. > :07:44.and snoozing, I would estimate 99.9% snoozing, but I have mmplt E.
:07:44. > :07:51.I have MEP Of course, you do, the old Yuppy Flu.
:07:51. > :07:56.It It exists, it is a real condition, just like post-traumatic
:07:56. > :08:00.stress disorder. I have started getting a lot of
:08:00. > :08:06.loops, a lot more attention. I got total strangers giving me sugar
:08:06. > :08:12.cubes. Just go on and on and on. This is
:08:13. > :08:17.kind of what I'm on about. Hand off me leg. I said, stop touching me.
:08:17. > :08:26.Neigh means neigh. Chums, would anyone happen to know
:08:26. > :08:33.a Greater Horseshoe Bat? A Eurasian River Otter, a bottle nosed dolphin.
:08:33. > :08:40.Zone two, close to shops and local amenities, 200 pcm, very began
:08:40. > :08:44.preferred. -- vegga preferred.
:08:44. > :08:52.What was so important that you called me? It is this pub. I know
:08:52. > :08:56.where the bodies are buried. Where? The headstones. These where
:08:56. > :09:00.they are. I can't read the names. Then I
:09:01. > :09:10.can't read so I don't know why I'm doing the polishing thing.
:09:11. > :09:11.
:09:11. > :09:17.Cindy, Flossy, Dougal, these are the graves of your predecessors.
:09:17. > :09:20.What predecessors? Gary never told you about the others? Then guysI
:09:20. > :09:28.think you better come with me. Alternatively I tell you where we
:09:28. > :09:38.are going and I come with you. Zer Zero applies to the ads so far.
:09:38. > :09:38.
:09:39. > :09:46.I have to step up my search for an endangered flatmate.
:09:46. > :09:51.(BLEEP) Vince. Arch. (BLEEP) Hello, you wouldn't happen to know any
:09:51. > :09:57.endangered species. When I was a cub, my nanny took me
:09:57. > :10:02.to the dentist and then afterwards as a treat we went to the Woburn
:10:02. > :10:10.Safari Park. The rhino does that help? Not really.
:10:10. > :10:16.Bravo Nelson, bravo indeed. You see Charlie, and this is going
:10:17. > :10:20.to come as a shock, you are adopted. What are you on about? I am now
:10:20. > :10:25.your legal guardian. I have the adoption papers right here.
:10:25. > :10:30.Those? They are me Press shots. I send them out to every mug who
:10:30. > :10:36.sponsors me. You thought you paid �39 a year and you got legal cos
:10:36. > :10:41.toddy of a real live chimp. It is not made clear. This, not a
:10:41. > :10:47.legally binding document. Could I just run that that past my
:10:47. > :10:52.badger? Be my guest, pal. Nels son, always read the small
:10:52. > :11:02.print. Terms and conditions. I am sure
:11:02. > :11:03.
:11:04. > :11:10.they are fine and accept. I am your first-born. You are
:11:10. > :11:17.joking me. Where does that say that? Scroll down. Scroll down.
:11:17. > :11:24.Scroll down. Scroll down. There! No, hands up, I should have
:11:24. > :11:25.scrolled down and I haven't. And your e-mail address and we
:11:25. > :11:29.think multi-messages which might be of interest.
:11:29. > :11:31.Come off it. I don't suppose you would be
:11:31. > :11:39.interested in sharing a flat with me anyway.
:11:39. > :11:45.Well, thanks for your time. Is it me or did my air pressure
:11:45. > :11:50.just go up 120lbs by square inch. Don't play games. You know what I
:11:50. > :11:54.am. What do you want? I want to you inflate me. I want you to run your
:11:54. > :12:03.fingers through my winter tyre threads and then I want you to
:12:03. > :12:09.fetch me a sandwich and some DVDs. Do you want to know what I think?
:12:09. > :12:19.Yes. I think you are a dick, why every
:12:19. > :12:19.
:12:19. > :12:24.time there is a cat on YouTube... What kind of role model are you to
:12:24. > :12:33.young kittens? Excuse me, but I happen to be an excellent... Mam,
:12:33. > :12:41.check it out. You are responsible for this.
:12:41. > :12:47.I have been advised my badger to say nothing. Now, I need to swing
:12:47. > :12:57.my Kwikfit. It turns out total deathtrap. Have you seen this? I am
:12:57. > :13:01.
:13:01. > :13:06.sorry for your loss. I am not not sorry for your loss.
:13:06. > :13:16.Be prepared to look through the looking glass.
:13:16. > :13:30.
:13:30. > :13:33.What? A load of balls. Excuse me, just something in my eye.
:13:33. > :13:39.I ronically I do have something in my eye.
:13:40. > :13:42.Don't you get it, Gary is a psycho, killing dogs and burying them in
:13:42. > :13:49.the in the garden man and you are next.
:13:49. > :13:59.Cap. He would never kill me. Why is there a date ringed on the calendar
:13:59. > :14:03.with the name "Destiny" next to it. If you want to say goodbye to
:14:03. > :14:13.Destiny. We will get a tablet from the vet's tomorrow.
:14:13. > :14:20.
:14:20. > :14:28.OK, it is just a bit of grit. # I'm I'm thinking of the days, I
:14:28. > :14:35.won't forget a single day believe # Days I will remember all my life
:14:35. > :14:39.So that's what a life amounts to, is it? Six cardboard boxes. Five of
:14:39. > :14:43.those are unsold copies of that romance novel I self-published, you
:14:43. > :14:50.know I never did hear back from Peter Doyle.
:14:50. > :14:54.I'm looking for flat 14, 229 West Ferry Road.
:14:54. > :14:58.I never heard of it. What is the point of going to the
:14:58. > :15:07.effort of naming a property if people are going to bloody well
:15:07. > :15:12.ignore it? Sorry, we red squirrels lead endangered sheltered lives.
:15:12. > :15:19.Red Red squirrels, would you like a dry sherry? This wildcat got me
:15:19. > :15:26.thinking. How many cuts do you see given -- cats do you see given the
:15:26. > :15:34.chance to play a role in a TV drama like pooction like Spooks or
:15:34. > :15:39.Waterloo Road, what if I enhance the power of YouTube? With this in
:15:39. > :15:45.minute I have made a video of what we cats are capable of. A video the
:15:45. > :15:49.like of which the world has never seen. It a Downfall par day? Yeah.
:15:49. > :15:53.It is. It is not a good one. It is Hitler
:15:53. > :16:03.finding out about the US remake of Spaced so it is dated. Also
:16:03. > :16:08.according -- how to -- I couldn't work out how to dot to dot
:16:08. > :16:13.subtitles so I stuck to the original ones.
:16:13. > :16:20.Marion, it is Gary, he has killed his other dogs. I think I might be
:16:20. > :16:25.next and I I don't want to die. I have to kill Gary.
:16:25. > :16:30.I have lived in fear of this monster for years.
:16:30. > :16:40.Come on. Tortoise and the the hare, the
:16:40. > :16:41.
:16:41. > :16:49.older I get, the more I suspect that Esop was totally full of shit.
:16:49. > :16:52.This is the main living space. Oh, excuse me the mess on the rug.
:16:52. > :17:00.Someone brought a lady home last night.
:17:00. > :17:06.Jesus Christ Vince that's Caroline Quentin. He took exception to a
:17:06. > :17:10.particular episode of the life of Riley I which I think is acceptable.
:17:11. > :17:20.I need to take a small deposit. This area seems rough.
:17:21. > :17:28.
:17:28. > :17:31.Rough? It is not rough. Estate agents say noble is state of the
:17:31. > :17:35.land. The house prices have gone up and
:17:35. > :17:40.amenities are improving every day. No one has been stabbed here since
:17:40. > :17:47.Friday. There has not been a murder all day.
:17:47. > :17:56.No one has been stabbed here since Friday. We have not been on
:17:56. > :18:06.Crimewatch since May. There is a charming artist behind
:18:06. > :18:07.
:18:07. > :18:12.those burnt out cars, a Banksy. Is that a dead cat there? No one
:18:13. > :18:17.has been stabbed here since Friday. No one has been strangeled or
:18:17. > :18:20.maimed. No one has been stabbed since
:18:20. > :18:27.Friday and you will just love our new needle exchange.
:18:27. > :18:30.You probably won't get shot, drive- by shootings are rare.
:18:30. > :18:37.They are drive-by shooting over there.
:18:37. > :18:40.We are often on the Secret Millionaire.
:18:40. > :18:44.No one has been stabbed here since Friday.
:18:44. > :18:51.Arson is on the decline. No one has been stabbed here since
:18:51. > :18:57.Friday. And gang related deaths are so rare
:18:57. > :19:04.it is a crime. It is a crime.
:19:04. > :19:10.Where do I sign? Well, you see, it is a perfectly
:19:10. > :19:20.lovely part of town. Am I safe to go and forage. I like to forage.
:19:20. > :19:25.
:19:25. > :19:34.Of course, you are safe. Forage away. You endangered... I am Vince
:19:34. > :19:40.fox. I'm here to introduce a new kitchen cleaner. You silly (BLEEP)
:19:40. > :19:46.On hobs, on grills, on surfaces, on pots and pans. (BLEEP) The dirt is
:19:46. > :19:56.gone. When it comes to cleaning my Ken
:19:56. > :20:01.
:20:01. > :20:07.Hom woks, I will only use new... Say the line. Say it.
:20:07. > :20:12.Cittit and the day is gone. I feel dirty.
:20:12. > :20:16.Please don't kill her. Why? I need her around for the building
:20:16. > :20:26.inspection. They are con concreting over my den.
:20:26. > :20:27.
:20:27. > :20:33.Nelson, I will give her until this evening and then. Technically that
:20:33. > :20:40.does count as product replacement. Action.
:20:40. > :20:47.Hello. I am here today to prove I am a serious educated cat and now a
:20:47. > :20:54.dramatic reading from the acclaimed 2004 Race Relation movie white
:20:54. > :20:58.Chicks written and and directed by the Wayan Brothers. Oh my God, you
:20:58. > :21:08.want to talk about mothers? You want to talk about mothers? It is
:21:08. > :21:09.
:21:09. > :21:13.mother time. OK, your mama went to Dr Dre for a pap smear. Something
:21:13. > :21:21.Wrong Dr Dre. There we have it, so it is goodbye from me and goodbye
:21:21. > :21:31.from my learned friend Desmond. Desmond?. Desmond, stand back.
:21:31. > :21:31.
:21:31. > :21:38.Clear. I got it in photo mode. Are you all right for another take?
:21:38. > :21:42.Yeah, sure, I have got another one. Go on then, how are you going to
:21:42. > :21:46.kill him? The only way I know how, man.
:21:46. > :21:52.Slowly. Passive smoking in his general area.
:21:52. > :21:56.He will be stone cold anywhere up to to six to eight years.
:21:56. > :22:03.Hang about, passport, suitcase, he is not killing me at all. He is
:22:03. > :22:09.taking me away on holiday. That's even worse. Oh, it will be like
:22:09. > :22:16.when he dragged me on that tour of the north of England.
:22:16. > :22:21.My name is Michael Caine and not a lot of people know that.
:22:21. > :22:25.You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.
:22:25. > :22:30.Well, I am not going. Sorry to keep asking, I don't
:22:30. > :22:39.suppose there is any chance of a hand downstairs. Sure.
:22:39. > :22:43.Has anyone ever told you, you can be very passive-aggressive?
:22:43. > :22:46.The builders will be here within the next ten minutes. Make sure
:22:46. > :22:53.your red squirrel is front and centre.
:22:53. > :23:03.Got it. How are you getting your itel? I jive a mole at the planning
:23:03. > :23:11.department if you get my meaning? Oh. I was expecting an actual mole.
:23:11. > :23:16.Bangers, a law on to themselves. How was the foraging? Great. I love
:23:16. > :23:19.this city. This is Mumbles. Tell him about the nuts? They are
:23:19. > :23:24.amazing. We were sat by this tree and I
:23:24. > :23:26.found this silvery packet. I thought it was peanuts because I
:23:26. > :23:30.love peanuts. They weren't peanuts at all.
:23:30. > :23:36.They are better than peanuts. I brought back some for you.
:23:36. > :23:40.What are they, macadamia? Whatever it is, it is delicious and amazing.
:23:40. > :23:46.Don't do that. I can't stop.
:23:46. > :23:54.I can't stop. I can't stop. Why should I stop? It is amazing.
:23:54. > :24:04.60 nuts. 85, 90, 90 nuts. 95 nuts. I will brew you some coffee and we
:24:04. > :24:08.
:24:08. > :24:13.will sit down. She has ODed. The old Pulp Fiction trick. Gosh it
:24:13. > :24:18.worked so not everything you see in the movies is untrue. Why did I
:24:18. > :24:22.ever put my money into this, an Edwardian textiles museum. What was
:24:22. > :24:25.I think thinking? If you build t they will come.
:24:25. > :24:28.Yes, I have built it on your advice may I add.
:24:28. > :24:33.If you build a gift shop, they will come.
:24:33. > :24:40.I hardly see how that is going to to help.
:24:40. > :24:44.Selling snacks and drinks, making it more afday out for for families.
:24:44. > :24:46.Then more will come. They are not coming. No one will
:24:47. > :24:50.come. Sor European Commission I better
:24:50. > :24:59.grab this -- sorry, I better grab this, it is the wife.
:24:59. > :25:05.I am with him. They are not coming. I don't suppose you want to come.
:25:05. > :25:10.An Edwardian textiles museum. No, I understand.
:25:10. > :25:15.Now Little Miss we have planning regulations to interfere with.
:25:15. > :25:19.I can't go out there. I am an addict Nelson, I am ashamed.
:25:19. > :25:28.I will get you cleaned up. Time for another lesson from the big screen.
:25:28. > :25:38.Is this doing anything for you? Anything at all? I will be honest,
:25:38. > :25:39.
:25:39. > :25:43.the harness is on the pinchy side. This cat is desperate to be taken
:25:43. > :25:50.certificate seriously and I know how Eddie Murphy feels. What offers
:25:50. > :25:58.have we had this week? Let me guess, more cappy kids films. Mel B says
:25:58. > :26:02.she has missed her period. The way I see it, you can
:26:02. > :26:06.deconstruct the stereotype until you are blue in the face. Cats are
:26:06. > :26:12.pricks, end of. It is true. We are pricks. As you
:26:12. > :26:19.say, off. All we are good for is clowning around, falling over and
:26:19. > :26:29.playing grade five piano. You play the piano? Don't patronise
:26:29. > :26:45.
:26:45. > :26:51.me like it is something special to be able to sit down and...
:26:51. > :26:55.PLAYS PIANO Red squirrel, I can't build here.
:26:55. > :27:05.Is that an endangered endangered little rat too.
:27:05. > :27:07.
:27:07. > :27:15.My precious den, it is saved. No, that's not an endangered turtle.
:27:16. > :27:20.This quote, is this including VAT? I am going to have to to pull the
:27:20. > :27:26.plug. I will pay for your materials? The important thing is
:27:26. > :27:29.my den is safe. I made a film of you playing the piano and I took it
:27:29. > :27:39.away and upload it had to YouTube and everyone thought it was fake
:27:39. > :27:39.
:27:39. > :27:46.and it got seven hits so I made a tweak and... Now everyone thinks
:27:46. > :27:52.you are a dick again. I curse your vagina. I really do.
:27:52. > :28:00.I need to hide in your den, Gary is trying to take me on holiday.