0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Daydream
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# I fell asleep amid the flowers For a couple of hours... #
0:00:18 > 0:00:22I'm quite serious, Marion. You haven't seen athletic prowess
0:00:22 > 0:00:25until you've seen Lembit Opik playing badminton.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28- Nelson?- Mmm?- What you doing? Hurry up!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Lembit! You're... You're talking to me?
0:00:31 > 0:00:36Mate, we don't have time for this. Your serve.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37I'm playing?
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Gail Emms!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42You're dreaming.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Chop-chop, Nelse. Or we won't make the regatta.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I can't believe this! We're really friends?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Bezzie, bezzie, best friends, mate. Now serve.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52It's a dream sequence.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53No, it's not, shush.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Well, here goes. Let's badminton!
0:00:57 > 0:01:01It is a dream sequence you duck's labia minora!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Destiny, if this is a dream sequence,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08how come I'm stood here with the real Lembit Opik?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Serve you BLEEP.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Oh, balls.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Nelson. Nelson. Nelson. Nelson.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Uh, the weirdest dream. We were playing badminton and...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Later. There's something ever so slightly more pressing.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- Such as?- It would seem we got drunk.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31And fell asleep on a rubbish-barge on the Thames.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Oh. Balls.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Again!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39# La la la la
0:01:39 > 0:01:42# La la la la la
0:01:42 > 0:01:46# La la la la laaaa. #
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Urgh! What did we do last night
0:01:48 > 0:01:51and how on earth did we end up there?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52My head.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56I feel like I've gone 12 rounds with noted sexual predator Mike Tyson.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Marion! What an entirely unnecessary inclusion in what was
0:01:59 > 0:02:02otherwise shaping up to be a perfectly nice hangover story.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I thought I was being edgy.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Still, at least we're back home in the safety of the...
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Oh..
0:02:10 > 0:02:12What is this?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16A house brick? And it says, "Lose weight now, ask me how."
0:02:16 > 0:02:18"New Year's Eve Party."
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Oh, course it does. I don't have my contacts in.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I DO have my contacts in.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Yes, it was New Year's Eve! We must've had some kind of party.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Well, that explains the mystery.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Mayion, you gone so long.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35You forget you have lovely new wife at home?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37With one notable exception.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Greetings, my strange new Siamese wife!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Hold up. You're married?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Yeah, apparently so. Sorry, I don't believe we've been introduced.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Marion.- Koon-Yi.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Uh-oh. Think I married one of Mia Farrow's stepchildren.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54My goodness. How on earth do you get yourself in these predicaments?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56SHRIEKING
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- What was that?- What was what?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00SHRIEKING
0:03:00 > 0:03:03HE VOMITS
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Nothing. Sure it's nothing.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07SHRIEKING
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Right! Sorry to go all Charlie Sheen,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12does anyone else keep seeing a shrieking horse?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Nope.- What the hell is going on?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Oh, my days! I feel like death!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Destiny! What are you doing sleeping outside?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Jenna Jameson! You're naked!- What?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- You're not wearing a collar!- So?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Oh. No. I just have this thing where I always think a collar is
0:03:28 > 0:03:29kind of like clothes.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34So, when you take it off, you're naked. Just me? It's just me.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36So I don't have my collar on. Who cares? No big mystery.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38DOOR OPENS
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Come on then, Destiny. Good girl. Good girl.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Yeah, that's a bit different though. - Wow.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47I haven't been this confused since I watched Wonders Of The Universe with Professor Brian Cox.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49WONDERS OF UNIVERSE PLAYS
0:03:49 > 0:03:54'Question, is it gay to desire another man's company this much?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57'God, I'd love to touch his hair.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01'Hmm, I should probably keep these thoughts to myself.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05'Maybe I'll just make a note of them in my diary. Better still, a poem.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08'I could send it to Brian. Bet he likes poems.'
0:04:08 > 0:04:10And saunas.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15You know who I like? Patrick Moore! He looks dirty!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18You'll be wondering what went on last night, then?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- You remember?- And do you know why?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Because I didn't drink last night.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Because I don't need alcohol to have a good time.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Because I've got a life.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Also because I'm on a mild course of antibiotics for a urinary infection.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Get on with it.
0:04:32 > 0:04:37Give you a clue, it all started with Nelson's New Year's Resolutions.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Oh, that rings a bell.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41BELLS CHIME
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Lose weight, tick. Brush up conversational Swedish, tickande.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Uphold my purity pledge, oop, sorry that's private. Tick.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I can't believe you actually kept them all.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I gave up by like 2nd January.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57You know, Kali, we have a saying in my country about quitters.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Sorry, what country's that? - I have absolutely no idea.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- What's the saying?- I can't remember.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Wow. In MY face.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Right then, think I'm entitled to enjoy the remaining...
0:05:08 > 0:05:13six hours and 32 minutes of the year in the knowledge that I've achieved...
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Hold up, cock-trumpet! There's one on the back.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17"Be more impulsive"?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Well, obviously, I've done that. I'm always impulsive.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Nelson! I've just inherited a haunted mansion!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Will you spend a night there with me?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Sorry, Marion. This commemorative Kate and Wills scrapbook
0:05:29 > 0:05:31won't caption itself.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Nelson! I've just interfered with space-time continuum.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Will you travel back to 1985 with me?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Sorry, Marion, this box-set of Downton Abbey won't watch itself.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Nelson! I've just shot the security guard played by Kevin Bacon who
0:05:44 > 0:05:47abused us while we were at that young offender's institute!
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- Will you help clear my name? - Sorry, Marion!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53This all-female vivarium of Southern Chorus Frogs won't inseminate its...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Oh, it has!
0:05:55 > 0:05:59So life DOES find a way! Still no.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05OK. Still plenty of time to be impulsive. Come on, Marion.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I can't. I'm seeing someone tonight.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08A new lady-friend?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10In a manner of speaking.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15- A toy?- We prefer hyper-realistic life partner. Don't we, Becky?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Becky's a little shy.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Destiny! Destiny, bath-time!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Excuse me. If it's not too much trouble,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29may you take a second to untie me?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32My dear owner, he didn't survive the winter.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35The recent cold snap, combined with the tragic early death of his...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Boring! If I set you free, what do I get?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- A sense of eternal well-being!- Hm!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45One of those things for getting the fluff off clothes?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Destiny! Come here! You are not getting out of this!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Uh, I really don't want a bath!
0:06:49 > 0:06:53If you let me go, I will gladly take the bath in your place.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57As we know, Westerners have great trouble telling us Afghans apart.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59'Insurgents, dead ahead.'
0:06:59 > 0:07:01So you see, if we switch places...
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- INCOMING MISSILE - Duck!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05MISSILE EXPLODES
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- ..I'm sure your owner won't even notice.- All right then, deal!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Oh. So, I am officially all caught up on the one who
0:07:15 > 0:07:20used to do back-flips from East 17! Sweet!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- OK. You want to see impulsive? - Not really.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- I'll show you impulsive.- Don't care.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- How's this for impulsive? - Not looking.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I've just bought issue one of the magazine part-work
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Treasures Of The Earth even though
0:07:32 > 0:07:36I know full well that for issue two they will jack the price right up...
0:07:36 > 0:07:37HE SCREAMS
0:07:37 > 0:07:40How come you haven't you replied to my party invite yet?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Well. Vince.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46If the invite you're referring to is indeed this house brick with
0:07:46 > 0:07:48New Year's Eve Party scrawled on it,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51then I've just this second received it.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Don't know why I bothered. You never come to my things.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57It's just, I've already planned to watch Jools Holland's Hootenanny.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02I've got cheeses plural, on the cheeseboard, breathing as we speak.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Tell you what, Vince. Fine. I'll be there.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Well, hello, Kitty!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Oh, you didn't? Not poor Becky?
0:08:11 > 0:08:16Yes. Just this minute, I had sex with her. No pun intended!
0:08:16 > 0:08:17No pun made!
0:08:17 > 0:08:21You sad little man. Having sex with children's toy.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24She is equally popular among 18-to-34-year-olds, OK?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Just because you can't find yourself a real girlfriend.
0:08:26 > 0:08:32Oh, I can't, can't I? OK. That sounds like a challenge!
0:08:32 > 0:08:37Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss! Double Destinys! Am I dreaming?!
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Wow. It is like that erotic short story you wrote come to life!
0:08:41 > 0:08:42That's not. I didn't.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- You adapted it to into a comic. - That is absolutely...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Alan Moore wrote the foreword.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Wouldn't even know how to contact him, he's famously reclusive.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54It won Best Specialist Publication at the National Comic Awards.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I did thank you in the acceptance speech, if that softens the blow.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Anyways, if you could just fill in for me around here,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02make a note of anything anyone says that relates to me,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05don't worry about Marion's stuff. OK, bye!
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Hang on. What?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I'm outsourcing.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Yeah, Nita here'll be doing all the crap I don't want to do from now on.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I give her the treats, she does the baths,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17the putting up with Gary and the hanging around with you lot. Laters!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Bye, then.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24Wow. Lose weight now, ask me how.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Do not write that down!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29BELLS CHIME
0:09:29 > 0:09:31So, that's cleared up the house brick,
0:09:31 > 0:09:36Hello, Kitty, Destiny's collar and her identical twin.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Just leaves Koon-Yi, the shopping trolley and waking up on the Thames.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42HORSE SHRIEKS
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Not forgetting of course...
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Horrific. Shrieking. Horse. Flashbacks.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Look! Leftovers from last night!
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Better make a plate for her indoors. The old ball and chain.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57She who must be obeyed. The trouble and... Sorry what IS your name?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- Koon-Yi.- Yes, it is.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Anyways, we were all getting ready for Vince's party...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06BELLS CHIME
0:10:06 > 0:10:08DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- # Tonight's the night I'm going to let my hair down!- Oooh!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- # Tonight's the night I'm going to get my groove on!- Yeah!
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- # Tonight's the night I'll spray my French cologne on!- Ah!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26# But now we really need to get a move on!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29# We're going to a shit house party
0:10:29 > 0:10:31# We'll pretend that it's great when we're in it
0:10:31 > 0:10:33# But really we'll hate every minute
0:10:33 > 0:10:37# We're going to a shit house party
0:10:37 > 0:10:39# We might be glad we came along
0:10:39 > 0:10:43# After four White Lightnings and a Jaeger Bomb. Yeah!
0:10:48 > 0:10:52# I'll queue for seven hours for the toilet
0:10:52 > 0:10:56# Cos someone's having unprotected sex in the bath
0:10:56 > 0:10:59# The girls will find out if they got their boobs out
0:10:59 > 0:11:03# When they're tagged in the Facebook photographs
0:11:03 > 0:11:07# We're going to a shit house party
0:11:07 > 0:11:09# We'd obviously rather not go
0:11:09 > 0:11:11# But we said we'd be there so...
0:11:11 > 0:11:15# We're going to a shit house party
0:11:15 > 0:11:16# I'll grope your baby sister
0:11:16 > 0:11:19# In a game of naked Twister
0:11:19 > 0:11:21# We're going to a shit house party Yeah! #
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Ah, Vince's place. Just don't blame me if this gets a little messy.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Oh. A house name. Classy.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:33 > 0:11:36OK, you crazy mother-effer let's get this party...
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Oh.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Who's all this?
0:11:39 > 0:11:45No-one. Some friends. I thought you said party and...
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Vince, I am so sorry.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Nah. Forget it, stupid of me.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54See, I found my New Year's resolution list from last year.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55I thought I'd done them all.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57BLEEP a squirrel!
0:11:57 > 0:11:58BLEEP a mole!
0:11:58 > 0:11:59BLEEP a tortoise!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Most of whom are here tonight. Awkwardly.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05But then I found one written on the back.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07"Do something nice for Nelson."
0:12:07 > 0:12:11That was supposed to be tonight. So just go. Leave me.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14With my limited edition Middle BLEEP Earth Risk board.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Oh, come on! It's New Year's Eve! Let's all go out!
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Will it be a proper boys night? Drinking games, kebabs, the works?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Absolutely! Let's be impulsive.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- The game's called Blind Man's- BLEEP
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Ooh, course it is. What are the rules?
0:12:33 > 0:12:38- Rules are, every time I think the word- BLEEP- I have to take a drink.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Right.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Oh.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Oh.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Oh.
0:12:48 > 0:12:53OK, let's see who cannot get a woman. I'm a-going in!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56..and you know what my mum's like, ALWAYS on at me.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Like the other night I was just watching TV and...
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Ha-ha-ha! That is so very, very, very funny.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I'm Marion. Who wants to see some street magic?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- Phew! Hadn't prepared any. - What do you want?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Simply to ask, which of you lovely ladies would like to have
0:13:12 > 0:13:16disappointing unfulfilling sex... in a dustbin?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Go away.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I win. You owe me a kebab.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26What a fun game. We really must play it again some time.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27All right, then.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Oh. Ha-ha!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Oh.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Destiny! What are you doing out on your own?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Left Gary with Nita back at the pub.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I am off the lead and I'm up for anything!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Well.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44I'm all about impulse tonight so I'm just gonna say this, I love you.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49Actually. Yeah, yeah. I love you. And I have always...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Ummm, meant to say earlier, could you address all
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- flirting-slash-creepiness at the other me from now on?- Oh.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00She'll be dealing with all future will-they-won't-they enquiries.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02SHE GASPS
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Police dog! Yes, please!
0:14:05 > 0:14:06I am sorry, Nelson.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09It's fine, Marion. She made her feelings perfectly clear.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12There's nothing more I can do except...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14MUSIC: "Back For Good" by Take That
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I love you. Actually. Yeah.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I love you. And I've always loved you.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21And I need to know, once and for all, if you feel the same.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23So let's have it. The truth.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Thank you for your recent interest in Destiny,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30unfortunately she is unable to answer your query at this time but if
0:14:30 > 0:14:33you'd like to leave your name and address...
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Oh, come on! You can think for yourself, you know!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- What do YOU think about me?- Hmm.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Oh, forget it!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I think you're handsome. HE GASPS
0:14:42 > 0:14:45And what's more, I find your relentless pursuit of a female,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47who is clearly completely uninterested in you,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50to be just the right side of sinister.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51You do?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52FIREWORKS EXPLODE
0:14:52 > 0:14:53AULD LANG SYNE PLAYS
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Listen. My whims have got me this far tonight... Kiss me?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00CHEERING
0:15:01 > 0:15:07Nelson und Destiny! Those crazy kinder finally worked it out!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Das ist just like Greta und Helmut!
0:15:10 > 0:15:11- Who?- Greta und Helmut!
0:15:11 > 0:15:17You know, from popular German sitcom Und Mutti Macht Funf? No?
0:15:17 > 0:15:21You don't get that in Grossbritannien? Sehr funny.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Ran for over zwanzig jahre. Giggle turbo man. Check it out sometime.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Let me ask you something, can police dogs really sniff bombs?
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Officially, yes, absolutely, of course we can.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Off the record, no, of course we can't.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- We just do it to look important. - Knew it.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41And of course these days we have to watch our step.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Can't be seen to be persecuting certain groups,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46if you know what I mean.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Right, you postie scum!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50HE SCREAMS
0:15:50 > 0:15:53All right, then. You can get off with me now.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I can't. Not while I'm on duty.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58How about I pop round your place when I clock off in a couple of hours?
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Let me give you the address.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Darling, I'm a sniffer dog with the Met. Don't need an address.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I'll find you.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Wow!
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Sorry, what am I on about?
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I don't even know your name, you could live anywhere in the world.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Just like give me your name, the first half of your postcode,
0:16:15 > 0:16:16and then the road.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18And I'll find you.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22All alone!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Nothing to keep me company but the £25 we clubbed together
0:16:25 > 0:16:27to get a mini-cab.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32BabyLiss Dual Voltage Curling Wand £25!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Siamese Cats, you dick.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I don't have my contacts in!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I DO have my contacts in.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I don't have my contacts in.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41I don't wear contacts.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I can't read!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46No. As honoured custodian of taxi money,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49it would shameful to even consider such an act.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Therefore, I am 95 percent certain I will do the right thing.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54BELLS CHIME
0:16:54 > 0:16:58So yeah, really have to work on my percentage-based estimations.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Koon-Yi, check.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Right, well I think that's quite enough detective work for one day.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Just popping back to the den for a quick lie-down.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Oh, Marion! That bloody cat.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12A Siamese bride of all things. Oh dear.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15What next? Seriously, whatever next?
0:17:15 > 0:17:16HE CHUCKLES
0:17:16 > 0:17:19And Destiny! Finding an identical version of herself,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22then chatting up a police dog!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Dearie me!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Never realised quite how far it was from the bins to my den.
0:17:27 > 0:17:33And...
0:17:40 > 0:17:41I'm home!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Happy New Year, BLEEP! Have a leg!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55OK, gang. Case reopened!
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Apparently, I went for a kebab with Vince.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01BELL CHIMES
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Oi. You owe me a kebab.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Vince! This is Nita, my girlfriend.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Oh. So go on, then. What do you see in this ugly BLEEP?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Excuse me, he is not ugly!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18He is perfect both physically and spiritually!
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Oh. Blushing.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- And I will be with him for ever. Until the day he dies.- Sweet!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25And after then I will throw myself onto his funeral pyre,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28not because I have to, but because I want to.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29He is a young God.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Compared to him, we are but worms scrambling in his shadow.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33OK, wrapping up now.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Ditto. OK, don't wait up. Bye.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44Nobby? Nobby? You can borrow this! It's region zwei!
0:18:44 > 0:18:48MUSIC: "Scooby Snacks" by Fun Lovin' Criminals
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Now, we're not here to piss about, yeah?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54We're here for the big one.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I've watched it for months, it never runs out.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00You stole that, you could retire on it.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Sounds like a jape, I'm in!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Stay here, don't move.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09What a night of adventure!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12A party, a kiss from a beautiful girl,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14and a harmless spot of high jinks to top it off!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17YELLING
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Think we can safely say that's a big tick on the old impulse front.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Run! BLEEP! Run!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24# Running around
0:19:24 > 0:19:29# Robbing banks, all whacked off of Scooby snacks...#
0:19:29 > 0:19:31HE LAUGHS
0:19:31 > 0:19:34We did it! We actually did it, you mad bastard!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Now, did you remember my salad in pitta?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Hi, fellas. How we doing down there?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I'm Barney. The friendly neighbourhood police horse.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44You're a BLEEP copper?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Am for the next 90 minutes, son. It's my last day on the job.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48SAXOPHONE PLAYS
0:19:48 > 0:19:5217 years on the force. Good years.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55And now the goddamn chief's putting me out to pasture.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57To a field just outside Whitstable, actually.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Oh, you lucky devil!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Yep, can't beat north-east Kent this time of year.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05When the sun rises across the water,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I swear you can just about hear the angels sing.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12You, good sir, have a beautiful soul.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Now. You boys get that kebab pole home before someone sees you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Aw. You hear that, Vince?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Yeah, he's a BLEEP copper.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24HE CRIES OUT
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- HE SOBS - I hate it!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Next New Year I am having a cottage in the Cotswolds
0:20:31 > 0:20:34on my own
0:20:34 > 0:20:36and I am staying in!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- HORSE MOANS - Have mercy.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Here we go.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41HORSE SHRIEKS
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Alternatively, go away for the whole Christmas and New Year period,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49maybe get a deal on a flight departing on 24th December
0:20:49 > 0:20:52because sometimes they do excellent discounts.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Nelson, get a grip!
0:20:54 > 0:20:59No. You're right. Wasn't thinking straight. I'm OK.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Good. Right, now pass us that hammer. I wanna smash his BLEEP teeth out.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- HE CRIES - Stop using tools!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10What can you see now?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12There's a shop called News And Booze.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Wrong side of the road. You need to cross over,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17then I'm 50 yards further down on your left.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Is that your left or my left?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21What difference does it make? You don't know which way I'm facing.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22It's a very good point!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Yes! OK. All right.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I found you.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Don't suppose I could get a bowl of water?
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Oh, God.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36HE PANTS
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Kali! You can be the first to hear the good news!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- My darling, do you want to tell her or can I?- Go ahead.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I bought a woman!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Well, you think that's interesting.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Went back to my doctor, quite amusing,
0:21:49 > 0:21:53turns out he'd put me on the wrong antibiotics!
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Ya. That's really a fascinating little journey you've been on there.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01All right. You don't care about me? No-one cares about me.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Well, you'll be sorry. You'll all be sorry!
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Actually, I got a couple of things to do around here first, so...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Mayion, I want foot-rub!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15First, my wife, we must get to know each other.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Here are two things you should know about me.
0:22:17 > 0:22:23One, in May 2007 I was briefly owned by Boy George.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26MUSIC: "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" by Culture Club
0:22:26 > 0:22:32So I am guessing now would be too late to introduce a safe word?
0:22:32 > 0:22:33WHIP CRACKS
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Two, gravest of all, I, Marion, your husband,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39have been neutered.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Is OK, Mayion. We same-same.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Hmm?- I been neutered too!
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Oy, I married a Siamese lady-boy.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Well. There goes my run at the White House.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52What are we going to do?!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54We just have to get rid of it.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Oh. Like getting rid of a horse is ever that easy.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59THE GODFATHER THEME PLAYS
0:23:04 > 0:23:06HE SCREAMS
0:23:06 > 0:23:08HORSE SCREAMS
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Did we?- Yeah. I think we might have.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Right. That's... Wow. Those bloody Jockey Club lunches, eh?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Yeah. You can lead a horse to a free bar but you can't make them stop!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Look... Er... Listen...
0:23:24 > 0:23:28- Queen Of The South.- Queen Of The South, yes! Knew that.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I've got a 3:15, so...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34See you at Wincanton?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Unbelievable. It's Frankie Dettori all over again.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42You'll just have to eat it.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I am not eating horse meat!
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Though of course they do eat a lot of it on the continent...
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Hmm. That gives me an idea.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54JAUNTY MUSIC STARTS
0:24:01 > 0:24:02BELLS CHIME
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Horse meat? Nelson, you turtle's anus.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06THEY VOMIT
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Sorry, guys!
0:24:18 > 0:24:22I can't do this on my own! They're too damn rich!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- I'll have to get the others to help. - What about the giant horse's penis?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Oh, I think he's doing a second series of Tramadol Nights!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32No, but seriously, just wrap it in cling.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Hello. Who are you? Please, have a canape.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42McSorley. DCI McSorley.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Paul Gadd! You're onto us!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46These look pretty good.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I've panicked!
0:24:48 > 0:24:49THEY SCUFFLE
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Come quick, it's Kali!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56She's threatening to throw herself off London Bridge!
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Oh. Now you're interested!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Weren't interested before!
0:25:08 > 0:25:13We're sorry. There's kind of been a lot going on today.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17I'm sure we'd all like to hear about your urinary infection.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Wouldn't we, guys?- Yeah.- Not really.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23OK, then. Well, yesterday I started feeling
0:25:23 > 0:25:26this slight pressure in my bladder.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28So I went to the toilet.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32I must've gone like five times in 15 minutes.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Anyways, made an appointment with my badger,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39he's told me I've got a urinary-tract infection.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Wow!- No way!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43They're really common.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Reckons I picked it up from sharing a bird-bath
0:25:45 > 0:25:48with these emo cormorants from Guernsey.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Result of which, he put me on a mild course of antibiotics.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56But then I went back to him earlier tonight.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59He'd put me on the wrong ones!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02M Night Shyamalan! I did not see that coming!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04So, yeah. That's my story.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Aaah!- Kali!
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Nelson!
0:26:11 > 0:26:16All right. Yeah. I just flew off. In the end. Brap.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Oh. I forget you're a bird. Ah, well.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Oh, a boat!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23CLOCK STRIKES
0:26:23 > 0:26:25That's everything!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27We are officially all caught up!
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Oi, Marion. Bet you wish you'd stuck to your Hello Kitty now.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Kali. I'd appreciate it if you didn't show me up in front of my husband.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Thank you.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Anyway. I really am going back to bed now.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Not so fast, Nelson. I happen to have overheard the whole thing.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Glen Mulcaire!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47So say goodbye to your little friends,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49you're coming downtown with me.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I can't go to prison! I'm too...
0:26:52 > 0:26:55HE GASPS Blimey!
0:26:55 > 0:27:00- Nita.- Nelson. I will kill anyone for you.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Anyone you ask me to.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07Oh, my angel! Isn't that just a tiny bit mental?
0:27:07 > 0:27:11You killed my boyfriend, you identical bitch!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14MUSIC: "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Gentlemen. It would seem we've got ourselves something of a girl fight.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25You're fired, bitch.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31OK, that wasn't like my erotic short story. At all.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Jools Holland's Hootenanny?
0:27:33 > 0:27:34THEY SIGH
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Mmm. Keep these coming.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44And look, just because this relationship didn't work out,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47doesn't mean it'll never happen for you.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49You can't close yourself off.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Actually, we decided we're going to make a go of it.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56In fact, we got talking about starting a family and...
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Bought this little scamp on credit.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Isn't he adorable?
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Yep. He's a he.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05Look, this time I really am going back to the den for a lie down.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10Nelson, fancy eine bloody good laughen?
0:28:10 > 0:28:14HE LAUGHS
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:22 > 0:28:25E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk