0:00:03 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:21 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:24G'day. I'm Adam Hills. Welcome to Monumental.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27The panel show about Northern Ireland, hosted by an Australian.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Tonight, two teams will celebrate all that is brilliant
0:00:29 > 0:00:32and bonkers about Northern Ireland, and leading the team on my right
0:00:32 > 0:00:34is a comedian who's best known by only one name -
0:00:34 > 0:00:36partly cos it's easy for audiences to remember
0:00:36 > 0:00:39but also cos it's hard for tax inspectors to find,
0:00:39 > 0:00:40give it up for Jimeoin!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Alongside Jimeoin is a Belfast comedian who's surname is also
0:00:46 > 0:00:48an adjective that describes him very well.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Please welcome Michael Smiley!
0:00:50 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54And tonight's Monumental guest, to whom we'll be paying tribute later,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Ulster's answer to Anchorman Ron Burgundy,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59he's kind of a big deal - it's Eamonn Holmes!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Up against Jimeoin is a team captained by a comedian who was
0:01:05 > 0:01:08described by the Scotsman newspaper as well-informed
0:01:08 > 0:01:10and thought-provoking, and by a Scotsman on the plane as
0:01:10 > 0:01:12that annoying bastard in row 27,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14please welcome Andrew Maxwell!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:19With them as always is a Northern Ireland comedian who has appeared on
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Sketchy and Dave's One Night Stand
0:01:21 > 0:01:24and once had a sketchy one-night stand with a guy called Dave,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26please welcome Micky Bartlett!
0:01:26 > 0:01:27APPLAUSE
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And making her comedy panel show debut here tonight is
0:01:29 > 0:01:33a woman who gets paid to watch Manchester United as a reporter
0:01:33 > 0:01:34and presenter for MUTV.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37She's living the dream of many a teenage boy
0:01:37 > 0:01:40and appearing in the dreams of many more, she's Helen McConnell!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:48You know what I love about Northern Irish people?
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Your optimism. You are genuinely the most optimistic people
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I've ever come across.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You're not going with me on that - let me explain.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:01You have one of the worst weather systems on the planet.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05As far as I can tell, you have two seasons - winter and June.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06LAUGHTER
0:02:06 > 0:02:10This is the wettest, cloudiest, drizzliest place I've ever been to.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13The first time I saw the book 50 Shades Of Grey, I thought it was
0:02:13 > 0:02:15a Northern Irish tourism brochure.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:19But here's how I know you're optimistic.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Despite having one of the most appalling weather systems on the planet,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25there are more convertible cars sold in Northern Ireland
0:02:25 > 0:02:29per head of population than anywhere else in Europe.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32The minute the sun pokes its head out, you all strip off like
0:02:32 > 0:02:38Kate Middleton in France and parade around like Prince Harry in Vegas.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41You actually aspire to be sunburnt.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43This is the only place in the world where a man can have
0:02:43 > 0:02:46strips of burnt flesh hanging from his face
0:02:46 > 0:02:49and be met with the words, "Ah, you're looking well".
0:02:49 > 0:02:51APPLAUSE
0:02:51 > 0:02:53All right. This first round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56The teams cast their nets over the entire world
0:02:56 > 0:03:00and nominate celebrities they think deserve Northern Irish citizenship.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Eamonn, you can start first. Who do you think should be Northern Irish?
0:03:04 > 0:03:09AMERICAN ACCENT: Well, pilgrim... I think John Wayne.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12CHEERING
0:03:12 > 0:03:14The hell I do.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Why?
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Because there's so many cowboys here, we might as well have one more.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:22 > 0:03:25And apparently he's of Scots-Ulster descent anyway,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27so he's halfway there.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Ulster-Scots accent, that. "The hell I do."
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Yeah!
0:03:31 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:36We actually have a photo here that I think shows your love of John Wayne.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:43That's my wife over my knee there, actually that turns out to be.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Is that you hitting her off at the pass?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- I never knew you had two Ns in your name.- Oh, yes.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Don't accept anything less.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57All this time I've been saying it with one.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Er, Andrew. Who would you like to throw in as being Northern Irish?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I think Doctor Who,
0:04:13 > 0:04:17because he has a habit of going into police phone boxes
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and then disappearing.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:24 > 0:04:28What?! I'm just saying, he's a tout, that's all, like.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I'm just saying!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Jimeoin. Who would you like to toss in as being Northern Irish?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40I would like to say The Avengers, the new Avengers, like Thor.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45He'd be handy round the house, wouldn't he?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47You know when you're up on the roof and you never have a hammer
0:04:47 > 0:04:49and it's always just out of reach?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:52And he could just do that thing.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57That'd be great. And the Hulk as well, the Hulk would be good.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Just as a bouncer.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- He's the right colour. - He's the right colour.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- All he'd need is a bowtie.- Yes.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06To be honest, I think he could only be a bouncer
0:05:06 > 0:05:09in half the nightclubs of Northern Ireland.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Helen, who would you like to throw in as being Northern Irish?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21I think Nessa from Gavin and Stacey would be a good Northern Irish person.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24You can just imagine her sitting in her local, just chilling out,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26looking at everybody walking past.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29And she also could physically rip your head off.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32What we're saying is she could be Northern Irish
0:05:32 > 0:05:34cos she's a big, fat ball-breaker.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:38That's what you're essentially saying, isn't it, Helen?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Not quite.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Yeah, like we don't have enough of those.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Micky. Who do you think should be Northern Irish?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Tom Cruise.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49You remember that time when he went nuts on Oprah?
0:05:49 > 0:05:50When he went "AARGH!".
0:05:50 > 0:05:54I would love to see Tom Cruise try to go mental in my ma's living room.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Do you know what I mean?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59She'd go, "Would you ever sit down, you mad wee shite!"
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Imagine trying to tell a Northern Irish woman you're going to
0:06:02 > 0:06:04be a Scientologist.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"Mum, I don't want to be a Catholic any more."
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"Go to mass!"
0:06:08 > 0:06:11As long as you're not a Protestant Scientologist, I don't care.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Michael, who would you like to put in?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Bruce Forsyth.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Yeah, cos he looks like a creepy uncle from over here.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28We used to go to wedding receptions and most uncles I knew,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30all they wanted to do was stand in a bar,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33speak out of the side of their mouths and talk about car parts,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and they'd say, "Of course the Cortina wasn't as good,
0:06:36 > 0:06:40"I got the Consul back in the day and they were brilliant."
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Meanwhile there was the Bruce Forsyth character, going around,
0:06:43 > 0:06:47talking to the wee cousins who are turning 16 and 17.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"Come on up and dance with your Uncle Bruce!"
0:06:49 > 0:06:54Fact - do you know that Bruce Forsyth's grandfather designed
0:06:54 > 0:06:57the botanical gardens in Belfast?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Wow! That's a great bit of trivia!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02His grandfather was also a bigamist.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- What's that?- His grandfather was also a bigamist.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:10He had a wife here and he had a wife in New York!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Which is where he came up with the phrase -
0:07:12 > 0:07:14"nice to see you, to see you nice".
0:07:14 > 0:07:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:16 > 0:07:20I reckon at the end of that round I'm going to award the points
0:07:20 > 0:07:21to Jimeoin's team.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22CHEERING
0:07:24 > 0:07:27All right, we call this round, Town Challenge, in which we shove
0:07:27 > 0:07:30your Belfasts, Lisburns and Newrys out of the spotlight
0:07:30 > 0:07:32and welcome in some of the smaller, less well-known places,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35so we can put them firmly on the tourist trail.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Jimeoin's team, you're first.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I'll give you some facts you probably don't know
0:07:38 > 0:07:41about a Northern Irish town. All you need to do is name it.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Fact one.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46According to the last Census, there are more people over 90
0:07:46 > 0:07:50living here than in any other Northern Irish town.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Somewhere seaside, maybe?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Could be Portstewart, where I come from.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59Do they go to the seaside so they can get a good view on their last days,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02or is it because the wind will blow away that smell of piss?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Fact number two.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15A sculpture of a man eating a pasty supper sits on a wall in this town.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18And before you go any further, what is a pasty supper?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19LAUGHTER
0:08:19 > 0:08:22If you bought it in the middle of the day, it's pasty and chips,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25but if you bought it at night, it's a pasty supper.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Anything in Northern Ireland called a supper has chips with it, yeah?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33That's why the painting of the Last Supper would've been very different.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Who's got my chips?
0:08:43 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Judas is down the end eating all the wee crunchy ones.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Your third fact.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57This town shares its name with 16 other places in the world.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Ballyslutmaguthrie!
0:08:59 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Millisle?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- B...Bangor!- Millisle? There's only 14 Millisles.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Bangor?- Bangor might be.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Is there a lot of Bangors? - There's one in Wales, isn't there?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11That's two. We need 14 more...
0:09:11 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:18It's the way you said "Bangor", I liked. Bangor?!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- We just need 14 more. - Could be Bangor.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Bangor, Maine. There's one in America. That's up to three!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Bangor-desh.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Jim, as captain, what do you say?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Bangor?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Bangor's the correct answer!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Is it?!
0:09:38 > 0:09:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:39 > 0:09:41That's brilliant!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I did some reading up about Bangor.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47It was announced in June 2007 that the town would be the location
0:09:47 > 0:09:52of Northern Ireland's first Olympic sized 50-metre swimming pool.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55How have you gone until then without having one?!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- It's not been needed. - I know but, really..?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Northern Ireland's a paddling sort of place.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:06 > 0:10:08If they had paddling in the Olympics,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Northern Ireland would have won it for sure.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16That would be a nice event. "And they're off!" "It's cold!"
0:10:16 > 0:10:20There's stuff that Northern Ireland could really excel at - paddling,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23or possibly just wistfully looking out at the sea.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Imagine getting bronze, if you didn't even win gold.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28"I looked away."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Walking into a headwind as well,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Olympic event of walking into a headwind with an anorak on.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Every wee Belfast mother would win it as well, though,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44with two bags of shopping each.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Every lap, you give her another bag of shopping.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54All right, let's move on to the next town. Andrew's team,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57this town's castle was built in the early 15th century
0:10:57 > 0:10:59by Hugh "The Hospitable" Maguire.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I've had Hugh's hospitality at his castle.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Is it anywhere near Carrickfergus?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Oddly enough, no.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Right, it's not Carrickfergus. - Different county, then.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Your next fact - the local rugby team is known as The Skins.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14- OK.- Does that help?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Uh, yes, because not all rugby teams have skin.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Third fact - the town hosts the annual Happy Days festival.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26It'll not be in Tyrone cos they can't sing the Happy Days song properly
0:11:26 > 0:11:29cos they would have to go, "Monday, Tuesday, happa diz,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31"Thursday, Friday, happa diz,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"Sa-tur-day...!"
0:11:34 > 0:11:36When they get to Saturday,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39it's like, "Sat'rdy!" That's...
0:11:39 > 0:11:42"What comes before Sunday? Sat'rdy!"
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I'm going to go with Helen.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- What is it?- Enniskillen. - They've got a castle there.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Enniskillen is the correct answer.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52APPLAUSE
0:11:52 > 0:11:56At the end of that round, the points are going to go to Andrew's side.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00It's time now for Monumentally Missed,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02in which our panellists travel back in time
0:12:02 > 0:12:05to retrieve something Northern Irish that's no longer around.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Michael, what do you want to bring back?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Proper old school non-ironic nicknames
0:12:09 > 0:12:11like where I come from growing up,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14it was a bit like Catchphrase - say what you see.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16You know what I mean? There was a...
0:12:17 > 0:12:20There was a lovely, cuddly, ironic twist about it,
0:12:20 > 0:12:21like Tiny's really tall,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23like, there was a guy in our area
0:12:23 > 0:12:25and his nickname was Weehead.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Because he had a wee head.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33But also, over here as well,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35we've got that thing where the nickname stays with you.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39I remember, there's a mate of mine, Sean O'Hagan, lives in London.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41He went home to see his da and his da's in his 80s
0:12:41 > 0:12:43so Sean's with him, and as he's walking along,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46there's another oul guy in his 80s the other side of the street
0:12:46 > 0:12:48going past with a walking stick
0:12:48 > 0:12:51and he lifts his stick up like that, the da nods to him and he goes off,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54and Sean hasn't been home for years so he thinks he should know him
0:12:54 > 0:12:56and he says to the da, "Who's that, Da?"
0:12:56 > 0:13:00And the dad goes to him, "Thon's the Weeper McCabe."
0:13:00 > 0:13:02And he says to him, "Why do you call him the Weeper McCabe?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"Cried at his first day at school."
0:13:06 > 0:13:09APPLAUSE
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Helen, what would you like to bring back?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I would bring back School Around The Corner.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16- AUDIENCE MURMURS - A popular choice.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19So what was it? I've not come across School Around The Corner.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23It was a programme. Frank Mitchell had a certain school on every week
0:13:23 > 0:13:25and they used to come on, he interviewed all the kids
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and then they sang at the end the School Around The Corner song.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I once seen Frank Mitchell get chased down the street in Belfast
0:13:31 > 0:13:33by a group of drunk students
0:13:33 > 0:13:39singing School Around The Corner in the most aggressive fashion possible
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and he was waving at them, but they were going,
0:13:41 > 0:13:46"IT'S THE SCHOOL AROUND THE CORNER, JUST THE SAME!"
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Jimeoin, what cherished item would you like to bring back?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I'd bring back flares.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I grew up with flares, but then I went from flares to drainpipes.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Oh, trousers, you're talking about?- Yeah.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58I thought it was about sort of...
0:13:58 > 0:14:01MICHAEL MAKES A SHOOTING NOISE
0:14:01 > 0:14:03No, flares. You remember the big wide trousers?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07And then they went to drainpipes. My mother actually took them in,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10she just took my flares in but she didn't cut off the excess material.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- She just folded it over.- Flaps?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16And then I had to play in a game of football.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I had a blowout in one of the legs.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Eamonn, what would you like to bring back?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Like many children growing up in '70s Belfast,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29we had a lot of fun with kerbstones.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Not like that. We didn't throw them or anything or break them up
0:14:37 > 0:14:41but did anybody ever play cribby or kerby?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Kerbsy.- Kerbsy, is that what you called it?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45So what did kerbsy involve?
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Well, the whole ethos of the game is that you take a ball
0:14:49 > 0:14:51and your mate stands across the road
0:14:51 > 0:14:55and you wait for a vital moment when there's a car not going by,
0:14:55 > 0:14:59and then you aim, you throw the ball at the kerb on the other side
0:14:59 > 0:15:02and if you hit it, and this is the really great feeling,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05if it hits just spot on, the sweet spot, bing!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08It comes right back into your arms and that's how you score.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Then what you used to do was, if you caught it before it hit the ground,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15you cold go into the middle of the road and get closer and closer.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Then you'd get up to the edge
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- and go, "20, 40, 60, 80, 100, I win!"- Yes!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22And he would start gurning and then you'd lamp him.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24APPLAUSE
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- We should go do it.- We should.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Man, I'd like to see people just passing by in their cars,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30"Is that Eamonn Holmes playing...?"
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Micky, what would you like to bring back?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I would like to bring back elastic band catapults.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Do you remember you used to get a massive bit of paper,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42like, a huge bit of paper and just fold it up
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and just keep folding it up, and then it would be about that thick
0:15:45 > 0:15:47and then you'd shoot your mate in the leg with it
0:15:47 > 0:15:50and he'd cry! It was brilliant!
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Oh, to think in other parts of the world
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- they were reading off that piece of paper!- I know!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58What's the point in reading when you can accidentally
0:15:58 > 0:16:01hit your RE teacher in the boob with a massive bit of paper,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04thus giving her a small swelling in her boob
0:16:04 > 0:16:07and then creating a rumour that everyone thought she had three boobs,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11and then from that day forward, her name was Total Recall.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16APPLAUSE
0:16:16 > 0:16:19At the end of that round, I'm giving the points to Jimeoin's team.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20APPLAUSE
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Cheers!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25It's time for Mystery Monumental now, where our panel
0:16:25 > 0:16:28find themselves in the presence of true Northern Irish greatness.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30They have to work out what that greatness is.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33All right, would you please welcome
0:16:33 > 0:16:36tonight's Mystery Monumental guest, Colin!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:41MUSIC: "Mr Big Stuff" by Jean Knight
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Colin is a world record holder from Northern Ireland
0:16:47 > 0:16:50but what was his remarkable achievement? Here's your first clue.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54In competition, Colin's secret weapon is a tub of Vaseline.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:59OK! It's going to be one of those parties!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Don't get the Vaseline confused with the Vicks.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Wow!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Woo!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10That's a spicy meatball!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Colin, can you give us your second clue, please?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Yes, my second clue is, my opponent is a person called the Black widow.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- Oh.- Oh!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25You should spit when you say that name - The Black Widow.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Your third clue is an actual newspaper headline celebrating
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Colin's achievement. We've blanked out one word to keep you guessing.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- HELEN:- Is it some sort of eating competition?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Yes, you're getting close.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Eating burgers?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- JIMEOIN:- 198 burgers?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Pasty suppers?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- HELEN:- That would be a good record.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Can you tell us where you smear the Vaseline?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Uh...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Around my chin area.- Chin?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Your chin area? And is that to avoid friction?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Cuts.- Cuts?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- I think I know what it is.- Go.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Oysters.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Yes, it is!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09APPLAUSE
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Colin Shirlow holds the world record for oyster eating.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15233 in three minutes.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Colin, is that good for your bowels?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Two days.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Does it have...? They say it has a bit of an aphrodisiacal, um...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Does it put lead in the pencil, Colin?
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Can you go like a two-stroke engine, Colin?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Are you like a Honda 125? You know what I mean,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40you heavy on the revs, Colin?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42What are you like with the clutch action, Colin?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Can you get a couple of bags of cement on the back, Colin?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I keep the brake well on.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Lovely lad, lovely lad!
0:18:49 > 0:18:52APPLAUSE
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- I think I'd like to see a little bit of oyster eating.- ANDREW:- I'm in!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- I love oysters.- Really? - I absolutely love oysters.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02OK, well, come on down, Andrew Maxwell.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03APPLAUSE
0:19:08 > 0:19:10The challenge, Andrew Maxwell, is this -
0:19:10 > 0:19:14can you down five in the same time it takes Colin to down 25?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- OK.- You ready?- I'm ready.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Let's do this, big fella.- OK.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Right?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22On your marks, get set,
0:19:22 > 0:19:23go.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27MUSIC: "Under The Sea" from The Little Mermaid
0:19:32 > 0:19:33All down!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Colin Shirlow!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Hold...
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Hold...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54You'll be sorry!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Colin's just thrown up!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Tell you what, you're not kissing me tonight with that mouth.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06This is a nickname that will stick, isn't it?
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Arsewinker Maxwell!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Is it going at 5p, 50p, 5p, 50p?
0:20:12 > 0:20:13APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Don't touch me, don't touch me!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20The next round is about those monumental and not-so-monumental moments
0:20:20 > 0:20:23that made the headlines here in Northern Ireland,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26but can our panellists work out the stories from the headlines alone?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Here's your first headline.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30BUZZER
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Shoes?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35U2 say yes to two new shoes?
0:20:35 > 0:20:39No. The answer was David Trimble and John Hume joined U2 on stage.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Next headline...
0:20:42 > 0:20:43BUZZER
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Turkey rustling.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46No, I was just sitting funny.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49The actual story was,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52police were warning poultry farmers to lock their turkeys up at night
0:20:52 > 0:20:56due to an increased risk of theft in the run-up to Christmas.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59BUZZER
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Espana '82, World Cup that year.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Northern Ireland beat the host nation one-nil, Gerry Armstrong.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07That's exactly what it is. Well done, Eamonn Holmes!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09APPLAUSE
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Your next headline...
0:21:12 > 0:21:13BUZZER
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Down celebrates the day of de-lights being turned on and...
0:21:18 > 0:21:20..the lights being turned off?
0:21:21 > 0:21:25No, this is another football story. This is Gaelic football this time.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I think they won the All-Ireland...
0:21:27 > 0:21:31It was one of the years, in '91, against Meath.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Eamonn Holmes, bringing knowledge to the show!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36APPLAUSE
0:21:36 > 0:21:38At the end of that round, I am giving the points,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41mainly because of Eamonn Holmes, to Jimeoin's team.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42APPLAUSE
0:21:42 > 0:21:44All right, moving on to the final round
0:21:44 > 0:21:48and before we find out who are this week's Monumental champions,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51it's time to pay a glowing tribute to this week's special guest.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54He's a national treasure who millions of us wake up to every morning.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Frankly, I don't know where he gets the energy.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Ladies and gentlemen, the panellist getting Monumental status this week
0:21:59 > 0:22:01is the man, the legend that is Eamonn Holmes!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Come on over, sir.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11- Look at us together!- Look at us.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I look like I'm your ventriloquist's dummy.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I feel like Santa Claus here.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Were you always destined to be on telly, do you think?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Oh, goodness me, no. I was useless at everything else.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26My father was a carpet fitter and all my brothers could be carpet fitters
0:22:26 > 0:22:29and could do it. I couldn't do it, so I had to find something and quick,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32so I could talk a bit, and that's really what happened.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Looking at this photo,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- it looks a bit more like you were destined to be a builder.- Oh.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40That's the John Wayne connection again.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Or a member of the Village People!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Eamonn's worked with almost everybody in British broadcasting
0:22:47 > 0:22:50but I heard that one of your biggest inspirations was Des Lynam.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53What is it that you admire so much about this man?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Des is the epitome of coolness under pressure,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01suave, sophisticated, and all I need to do now is grow the moustache
0:23:01 > 0:23:03and the transformation will be complete.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- Well, we have proof that you did try to grow that moustache.- Oh!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09BANJO MUSIC
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Now, I'm going to show you another photo.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- You and this animal have a lot in common.- Oh, yes! Yes!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24One night, I was going, as usual, quite late,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27to Belfast City airport, George Best airport,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30and the wind was howling and the rain was lashing
0:23:30 > 0:23:33and the taxi I was in, it was running quite late,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36and he had to stop at the zebra crossing outside the airport
0:23:36 > 0:23:38and you know why he stopped?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Because a penguin was waddling across the road,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45going into the airport, and you know what the thing is?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47The taxi driver never even commented on it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51He stopped, and then he just drove on
0:23:51 > 0:23:54and I said, "That was a p-p-p-p-penguin!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I said, "There was a penguin there!"
0:23:56 > 0:23:58And he said, "Oh, so it is. So it is!"
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Something that was on a little island out in Belfast Lough or something
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- and it was blown in. It was...- Plastic bag!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Does anyone know what Eamonn has in common with that penguin?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19You share the same name. That baby penguin is called Eamonn Holmes.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- Stop it.- Because what do you get
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- for the man from North Belfast who has everything?- What?
0:24:24 > 0:24:28You go to the zoo and you ask them to name an animal after him
0:24:28 > 0:24:31and that penguin is now known as Eamonn Holmes.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33APPLAUSE
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Here is the certificate to prove it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Ah, that's absolutely... That's wonderful. He is like me.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46He's black and white and all puffed up, so yeah, very good.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- JIMEOIN:- Can we see the shot of the penguin again?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51It looks like the penguin's going,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53"But...but my name's Kevin.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55"I'm Kevin."
0:24:55 > 0:24:58All through his teenage years, Eamonn dreamed of being an anchorman
0:24:58 > 0:25:01and only had to wait until you were 21 to become one.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03What was that like?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Well, it was amazing, it was absolutely incredible,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08but I nearly didn't get the job
0:25:08 > 0:25:11because I said to them, "How much is it?"
0:25:11 > 0:25:14And at the time, I was earning 3,000 quid a year
0:25:14 > 0:25:18and the producer said to me, "It's the NUJ rate,"
0:25:18 > 0:25:20he said, "it's £44.44."
0:25:20 > 0:25:22I said, "That's less than I'm getting now.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23"No, I don't want the job."
0:25:23 > 0:25:26He said, "I'll ask you to consider this, young man.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29"You're very, very young. No-one has ever turned down anything like this."
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I said, "No disrespect, that's just not enough money."
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Basically, to cut a long story short, as he threw me out of his office,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38the secretary said to me, "Why did you turn down?"
0:25:38 > 0:25:42I said, "I may be young, I may be only 21, but I'm not stupid."
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I said, "£44.44 a week?"
0:25:46 > 0:25:47She said, "That's a day."
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Let me just take that and pop that behind you.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57We can't talk about Eamonn without talking about the love of his life,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01a love he doesn't mind sharing with 404,000 followers on Twitter.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Just say half a million. - Thank you.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08You sent this tweet...
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Oh, yes, yes, yes!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19That was a beautiful Saturday at Old Trafford.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It's just a lovely place to be. It's my great escape.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Did you have your 50th birthday there as well?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I did have my 50th birthday there.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I think we have a photo of the cake.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30It looks like a kid's cake!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33How did you get access to that?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36We did talk to Ruth. Of course, Ruth is your wife,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38she does get a bit of stick but when it comes down to it,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Eamonn is like any other red-blooded Northern Irishman.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43If you mess with his girl, you better watch out.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Do you fancy another...biscuit?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I don't want another biscuit.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52But I do want another...
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Whoa!
0:26:56 > 0:26:59THUDDING KICKS
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- Get up!- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Ow!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Now, tell me.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Do you want me to...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12release the balls?
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Yes, please!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Hey, honey.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21It's a rollover.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:27It's a long story. We haven't got time to explain.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Eamonn Holmes, you are a legend.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31We could spend the rest of the night talking about your career
0:27:31 > 0:27:34but there's another legend who wants to have his say.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Well, Eamonn, I believe
0:27:36 > 0:27:41you've been awarded this Monumental Northern Ireland status award.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43God, that's a mouthful.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I don't know whether to congratulate or commiserate with you
0:27:46 > 0:27:48but anyway, well done.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51All your achievements in television
0:27:51 > 0:27:53and being a terrific person in itself
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I think you fully deserve everything that comes your way,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00particularly from your home country Northern Ireland,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02so enjoy it, obviously a good day for you
0:28:02 > 0:28:07and I look forward to seeing you soon. Well done.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I am chuffed to bits. That's brilliant.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13That means so much. Thank you.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Eamonn Holmes, you are monumental.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Thank you very much.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:24That's lovely.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Eamo! Eamo! Eamo! Eamo!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30That final round tipped you over the edge.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Jimeoin's team are the winners tonight!
0:28:32 > 0:28:33CHEERING
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Cheers!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Well done, team. Well done.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39It's thanks to Jimeoin, Michael Smiley, Micky Bartlett,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Andrew Maxwell, Helen McConnell
0:28:42 > 0:28:44and Eamonn Holmes!
0:28:44 > 0:28:47- Thank you. Thank you very much indeed.- Absolute pleasure, sir.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49My name's Adam Hills.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52You lovely people of Northern Ireland have been truly monumental.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Goodnight.
0:28:53 > 0:28:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd