0:00:16 > 0:00:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:18 > 0:00:23G'day. I'm Adam Hills. Welcome to Monumental,
0:00:23 > 0:00:26the panel show about Northern Ireland hosted by an Australian.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Tonight, two teams will celebrate the North in all its glorious glory
0:00:29 > 0:00:32and wonderful weirdness, and as always, the team on my right
0:00:32 > 0:00:35is led by a man who's so famous, he's known by only one name.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37No, it's not like Pele, or Madonna,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39or Sooty - it's Jimeoin.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Joining him is a comedian and actor
0:00:44 > 0:00:46who once played a crackhead, alcoholic pimp -
0:00:46 > 0:00:48that was one hell of a production of Hamlet.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Please welcome Michael Smiley.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Alongside Michael and Jimeoin this week, from BBC3's sitcom Dead Boss
0:00:57 > 0:01:00and the 2012 So You Think You're Funny winner,
0:01:00 > 0:01:01the dead funny Aisling Bea!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Taking on the Jimeoin trio is a Dublin-born comedian
0:01:07 > 0:01:10who recently presented a documentary about conspiracy theories,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12though it's rumoured he used a stunt double
0:01:12 > 0:01:14and was down the pub with Elvis and Princess Diana.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Please welcome Andrew Maxwell.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:22With him is a comedian who's been on Sketchy and Dave's One Night Stand,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24who can do this with his boob!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27It's Micky Bartlett!
0:01:27 > 0:01:28APPLAUSE
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Joining Andrew and Micky tonight is tonight's Monumental guest,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34to whom who we'll pay a very special tribute later.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It's a radio and TV legend from a place he christened "Stroke City",
0:01:37 > 0:01:40the man, the legend, that is Gerry Anderson!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47My role in all this is to be the independent Aussie judge,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49but I have spent enough time here
0:01:49 > 0:01:51to know that my favourite saying in the world
0:01:51 > 0:01:55is something you only ever hear here, which is, "Your man".
0:01:55 > 0:01:57No-one else in the world says, "Your man".
0:01:57 > 0:01:59First time I heard that, I thought I owned a person.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02"Where were you last night?" "We were having pints."
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"Who was there?" "Oh, your man came in." "I have a man?!"
0:02:05 > 0:02:09It's that, and "You know yourself."
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Brilliant. Cos that can go at the end of any sentence.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"Excuse me, how do I get to the cinema?" "You go left, you go right,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16"you go left again. Sure, you know yourself."
0:02:16 > 0:02:19You know when someone mentions directions, and they go,
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"There's a turn-off to Strabane. Don't take that."
0:02:23 > 0:02:25You go, "Well, why did you mention it?"
0:02:25 > 0:02:27It's ruined it now. The satnav.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30All the great misdirection stories of comedy lore - ruined.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I think Irish satnav should just go,
0:02:32 > 0:02:37"At the next intersection, turn left. Sure, you know yourself."
0:02:37 > 0:02:39There's always that legacy from the Troubles.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43People say, "Go down to the left, where the factory used to be..."
0:02:43 > 0:02:45APPLAUSE
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Time now for the first round, which is Wish They Were One Of Us,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53in which honorary Northern Irish status is conferred upon
0:02:53 > 0:02:55those our panel deem worthy enough.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56I'm going to start with Jimeoin.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Who do you think should be Northern Irish?
0:02:59 > 0:03:00William Shakespeare,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03just because he would have to rewrite all the scripts.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05It would be, "To be not to be,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"that is the question, so it is."
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- (BROAD BELFAST ACCENT)- Twelfth Night!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I'd love to see The Merchant Of Venice
0:03:15 > 0:03:18standing in the middle of Belfast with a Telegraph,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20going, "Swelly Tele!" Remember them?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22"Tele up! Tele up!" I remember now.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"Sixth Tele", wasn't it? It was the sixth edition of the Tele,
0:03:25 > 0:03:26so it was, "Sixth Tele-o!"
0:03:26 > 0:03:31That's all stopped now. It's a thing of the past. People would go... INCOMPREHENSIBLE VENDOR CALL
0:03:31 > 0:03:33That was a guy who used to be in the Cornmarket.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36There was another guy in Victoria Street, he used to go...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39DIFFERENT VENDOR CALL
0:03:39 > 0:03:43A blind man could tell where he was by the call of the Telegraph guy.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"Oh, I'm in Castle Street. Yeah." VENDOR CALL
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Then you'd see them in the Crown having a pint, going...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- WELL-SPOKEN VOICE:- ..I thought today was very slow, did you?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Andrew, who would you like to nominate to be Northern Irish?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Vladimir Putin.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04Just, Vladimir Putin looks like a very scary Belfast dad!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07You know I mean? He's always topless, killing bears.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08"Ding-dong!"
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"Hello, is Catherine there?"
0:04:10 > 0:04:14"Aye. C'mon through. I'm just skinning a bear.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16"Right there, how long you been hanging around here?
0:04:16 > 0:04:21"You been sniffing around my daughter, you dirty wee bastard?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"Eh? You want to join the Putin family, do you?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"You wee skinny dickback! Hey?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Michael Smiley, who would you nominate?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Janet Street Porter.- Really?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Yeah, because she would fit perfectly in here
0:04:35 > 0:04:38because she's a very opinionated woman who never shuts up.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I remember Brian Keenan said
0:04:42 > 0:04:46the Northern Irish people were wired for transmission, not reception.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51I have yet to meet a woman of Northern Ireland who goes,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53"Ach, do you know, I don't really know."
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I've a Northern Irish friend and she puts her finger in front of me
0:04:58 > 0:05:00as if, "I'll tell you when you can speak now," going,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03"Hi, how have you been? Have you been all right?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"Cos I was looking at your Facebook, know what I mean. It's fine. Yeah."
0:05:06 > 0:05:09"OK, so Brian, you know..." She'll kind of silence me with her finger.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- You get your window. That's your window, it's gone.- Yeah. It's gone.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14All right, Gerry,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16who would you like to nominate for Northern Irish status?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I thought Rob Brydon,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20because he's got that kind of puzzled air about him,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23you know, he doesn't really know if he's been accepted or not,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26cos a lot of us have that from Northern Ireland,
0:05:26 > 0:05:31and also, he's from Wales, which of course is a strange place
0:05:31 > 0:05:33as far as Northern Irish people are concerned.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Nobody from Northern Ireland has ever gone to Wales.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38You know the way, in times gone by,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"I went to Scotland to pick potatoes."
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"I went to England to work in a car factory."
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Nobody ever said, "I went to Wales to go down a mine."
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Nobody goes to Wales, they go to England.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Some people, when they say, "I'm going to go to Australia",
0:05:49 > 0:05:52nobody ever says, "I'm going to go to New Zealand." They don't say that.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- Not even Australians.- They don't?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58So Wales is kind of like New Zealand,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01in the way that nobody wants to go there.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I just like the idea of one Welshman living here in Belfast.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06He's enjoying the show. "Ha-ha, this is half tidy!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"That's some quite funny stuff...
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"What? What did we do?"
0:06:12 > 0:06:17"I've never known such a diatribe against my people!"
0:06:17 > 0:06:20That's what I love about the Welsh. When something's good, it's tidy.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23When something's very good, it's half tidy.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28And nobody's interested in what they do. Nobody's interested...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:33It's a weird thing.
0:06:33 > 0:06:39I just, I really hope that the Welsh tourism board hire you
0:06:39 > 0:06:42after tonight and it's just an ad of you going,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"Wales - no-one cares what they do."
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Aisling, who would you like to nominate to be Northern Irish?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I would like to nominate myself.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I just think I'd get taken more seriously
0:06:53 > 0:06:55if I had a Northern Irish accent
0:06:55 > 0:06:58because I, um, I live in England, and if I go into somewhere
0:06:58 > 0:07:01and I'm like, "Hello, I'd like to make a reservation, please,"
0:07:01 > 0:07:03what they hear in their head is...
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- BROAD IRISH ACCENT:- .."You know when you've a wart on your hand,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08"if when you rub a potato on it and you put that in the garden
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"and you say a prayer to Jesus
0:07:10 > 0:07:13"and in the morning, if there's a full moon, the wart will be gone!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Micky, I do need a nomination from you.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I would actually love to have Madonna, cos I would love to hear
0:07:21 > 0:07:23what Madonna songs sounded like if she was from here.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25If she was from one of the areas in Belfast,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27it would be, "Papa don't exist!"
0:07:29 > 0:07:32And then you could see her on her balcony, just going,
0:07:32 > 0:07:36"Don't cry for me, wee Katrina!"
0:07:36 > 0:07:37I think it would be brilliant.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39We did a thing on the radio one time
0:07:39 > 0:07:43about Irish girls' names in popular song titles,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47to which the winner was Briege Over Troubled Waters.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49All right, at the end of the first round,
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I am giving the points to Andrew's team!
0:07:54 > 0:07:55We come now to Town Challenge.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58In this round, we showcase Northern Ireland's smaller places
0:07:58 > 0:08:01in the hope of turning them from tourist lukewarm spots
0:08:01 > 0:08:04into tourist piping-hotspots. Jimeoin's team, you're first.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I'll give you some lesser-known facts about a Northern Irish town.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10You need to name the town. Fact number one.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Visitors to this town can enjoy
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Northern Ireland's only outdoor pole dancing event.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18It's just actually a Polish person dancing.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Oh, so it's nothing crude.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24You know the way Polish people look like us, but at the same time...
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- You know the way you can't... - They do.- But they don't have
0:08:26 > 0:08:29those facial expressions people from Northern Ireland have.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32You don't see Polish people doing that...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35They just don't do that, do they?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38All right, your second fact.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Lord Sugar's former sidekick on The Apprentice, Margaret Mountford,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43was born in this town.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Oh, that clears it up.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Here's your third fact.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50In 2003, this town won "Best Kept Large Town In Ireland".
0:08:50 > 0:08:53In 2004, it won "Best Kept Medium Town".
0:08:54 > 0:08:57What are we talking about here? Lack of litter? That sort of thing?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Yes, it's more than half tidy.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- WELSH ACCENT:- More than half tidy, it'll be an absolutely barry spot.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I'm still thinking of the outdoor pole dancing...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Would pole-dancing be a reference to a place like Scarva,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Drumcree or places like that?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Would it be something to do with that sort of thing?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- Do they get about in a G string? - No, these flags up poles.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- It could be a maypole. Maybe it's...- Oh!
0:09:17 > 0:09:18AUDIENCE MURMURS
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Ooh, look at that. Wow.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Sorry, did everybody just win a toaster?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23What's happening here?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- MICHAEL:- A lovely wee town. My hometown, Holywood, lovely wee town.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Michael Smiley, it is indeed Holywood!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31APPLAUSE
0:09:31 > 0:09:32High-five, Michael!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Here's Andrew's team's challenging town challenge.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- Here's your first fact.- Here we go.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Local myth and legend has it that a resident of this town in the 1700s
0:09:43 > 0:09:46lived once, but was buried twice.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I'll give you a clue with that.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52She was buried whilst semi-conscious.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54She was brought back to life
0:09:54 > 0:09:57when grave robbers tried to cut her wedding ring off.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Where has someone been buried semiconscious in Northern Ireland?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Here's your second fact.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10The boxer known as The Belfast Spider was born in this town.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13In 1889, he fought an 80-round match to a draw.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17It was the longest match ever fought under Queensbury Rules.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19AISLING: What's the Queensbury Rules?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Queensbury Rules are, you know, gloves and all the basic rules.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I thought it was no gloves. Isn't that Queensbury Rules?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- No, it's with gloves.- No gloves.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- With gloves.- No gloves!- Yes, gloves!
0:10:29 > 0:10:32This swimsuit that they used to wear, and a moustache.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Gloves, though! Gloves!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Oh, there was gloves? Oh, fair enough.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42You give up an argument easily, don't you?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Here is your final fact.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47A gardening implement associated with this town
0:10:47 > 0:10:51is often used as local slang to describe a person's unhappy face.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53It's my home town of Lurgan.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- It is indeed Lurgan!- Lurgan.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57APPLAUSE
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- So what's the gardening implement? - A Lurgan spade.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- If people say you've got a face like a Lurgan spade...- Well used.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- It means you've got a long face, so it's a long spade.- Right.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10And that thing about what foot you kick with, that we say here,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14there's left-footed spades and right-footed spades,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16and people of a Catholic persuasion would use one,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19and people of a Protestant persuasion would use the other spade
0:11:19 > 0:11:22because of an Ulster Scots thing and a native Irish thing.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26They preferred this spade, so they'd say, "What foot do you kick with?"
0:11:26 > 0:11:28The atheists actually dig with pogo sticks.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I think the clear winner of that round is Andrew's team.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39The next round is called Monumentally Missed,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42and it delves into Northern Ireland's past to ask
0:11:42 > 0:11:45what long-departed custom, dish, expression, dirty magazine
0:11:45 > 0:11:48or indeed anything, are you yearning for so much
0:11:48 > 0:11:51you'd like to bring it back? Andrew, what would you like to bring back?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Boy racers. Rural young men
0:11:53 > 0:11:55getting the smallest car they can get their hands on
0:11:55 > 0:11:57and turning it into a spaceship.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02The really, really good spacey ones
0:12:02 > 0:12:05always have a weird blue light underneath them.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07The weird blue light! For a long time, I was like,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10"What the hell is that? Why have you got a blue light under it?"
0:12:10 > 0:12:13And then I realised it was a community thing
0:12:13 > 0:12:15cos they could drive into their estate
0:12:15 > 0:12:18and everybody runs out and checks their 20s.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20HE MOUTHS
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Jimeoin, what would you like to bring back to Northern Ireland?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I'd like to bring back fluorescent light tubes.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27You know that one in the kitchen,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31you know the big long bulb that, you know, no-one ever changed.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33It wouldn't just die,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36it would just be sick for a while.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Going into the kitchen was like going into a nightclub with a strobe light.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41You know the...
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- I can do an impression of a healthy fluorescent light tube coming on. - Do one. Do one now.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Micky, what would you like to bring back?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I want to bring back Tip Tops.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Tip Tops were a drink made out of paint thinner and diesel.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10When we were kids, I had a friend who thought that Tip Tops were
0:13:10 > 0:13:13a conspiracy from the government because he was convinced
0:13:13 > 0:13:15that Tip Top, whoever made them
0:13:15 > 0:13:19had found out exactly how much a thirsty child needs to be refreshed
0:13:19 > 0:13:22and then subtracted that by 15%,
0:13:22 > 0:13:26because although a Tip Top was a drink, you'd never, you were like...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Your eyeballs used to move trying to drink them,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31you'd be all hyper and like...
0:13:34 > 0:13:35No-o-o!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40And then the best thing about Tip Tops were, when they were empty,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43because I found as a child, it was hard to buy a motorbike at six,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45so what you could then do was get your Tip Top
0:13:45 > 0:13:47and wedge it in the back wheel of your bike
0:13:47 > 0:13:51and then you'd go down the street, going, "Zzzzzzz!"
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- They were brilliant.- Smiley, what would you like to bring back?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Old sayings, like, my ma used to say things like,
0:13:57 > 0:14:01"Life's like wheelbarrow. It's always in front of you."
0:14:01 > 0:14:04You know, stuff that made sense, you know what I mean,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06and also, stuff that didn't make any sense,
0:14:06 > 0:14:10like, "You're not as green as you're cabbage-looking."
0:14:10 > 0:14:14You know? What does that mean? Another one my ma used to say was,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17"If you got nothing nice to say about anybody,
0:14:17 > 0:14:18"come and sit beside me."
0:14:20 > 0:14:21My dad used to go for,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24"Ah, you're a fly man but you can't shite on the ceiling."
0:14:27 > 0:14:32- That sort of stuff.- I literally have no idea what you just said then.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Not a word of it!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I never used to understand Cockney rhyming slang,
0:14:36 > 0:14:40and I remember Shane Ritchie had an ad for Daz, and he'd go,
0:14:40 > 0:14:44"What are you going to use, Daz, or this other one? Use your loaf."
0:14:44 > 0:14:48And we'd be sitting there, going, "Use your what? Use your loaf?"
0:14:48 > 0:14:50And I went into my mother and my mother was like,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"Oh, Aisling, it's, you know, because they...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55"It's Daz, so use...
0:14:55 > 0:14:59"Daz has baking soda in it, and so does bread."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01What would you bring back, Gerry?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I would bring back the leg tremor.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08People used to go to dance halls in the '60s and '70s
0:15:08 > 0:15:11and there were two types of people who used to go to those -
0:15:11 > 0:15:13the people who stood and watched the band
0:15:13 > 0:15:16and the other people who danced. And these people never mixed,
0:15:16 > 0:15:20but every once in a while, the people who used to stand and watch the band,
0:15:20 > 0:15:21they felt the need to meet women
0:15:21 > 0:15:24and the only way you could meet women was to dance with them.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26You couldn't go up to somebody and start talking to them.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30They'd think you were a weirdo, so you'd have to ask somebody to dance
0:15:30 > 0:15:31and there was this particular dance
0:15:31 > 0:15:34that was formed and developed for people who didn't dance.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- It's called the leg tremor. Do you want me to show what it is?- Please.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:42 > 0:15:45You stand like this, and you put your hands, and you go like that...
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Can I show you the quickest dance in the world, the "let's go" dance?
0:15:52 > 0:15:53CHEERING
0:15:53 > 0:15:55You know when you're waiting for everyone to get ready,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58and they're watching TV, and you have to try and get them out?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01You do the "let's go" dance. Two moves, it's like...
0:16:01 > 0:16:02"Come on, let's go."
0:16:02 > 0:16:04APPLAUSE
0:16:08 > 0:16:11At the end of that round, I'll award the points to Jimeoin's team.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14APPLAUSE
0:16:14 > 0:16:17All right, it's Mystery Monumental now. I'm going to introduce
0:16:17 > 0:16:20our special overachieving guest from Northern Ireland.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I won't tell you what their monumental achievement was.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25That's something our panellists have to work out.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29So, let's meet tonight's Mystery Monumental guest, Kate!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32MUSIC: "She's A Star" by James
0:16:32 > 0:16:35APPLAUSE
0:16:35 > 0:16:38All right, we are in the presence of greatness.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Kate here is not only a world record holder in something
0:16:41 > 0:16:44but also the first and only Northern Irish woman to do it,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47and it's really impressive. Does anyone want to have a guess?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49JIMEOIN: Was it breaking men's hearts?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Aw!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53GERRY: You look a bit like Katie Taylor,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56so it reminds me, maybe it suggests
0:16:56 > 0:16:58that you have something to do with martial arts.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Would it be kickboxing or anything like that?- I wish. No.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03All right, here is your first clue.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Are you a sailor? - You are getting very close.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I will give you your next clue. Working in shifts,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Kate and her four female team-mates
0:17:14 > 0:17:17were always travelling but couldn't get away from each other.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- AISLING:- Were they slaves on a ship?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Weirdly, you are getting closer. Here is your final clue.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Kate and her team had terrible trouble with wind.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- ANDREW:- It's a catamaran.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Or a Protestant.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35And you're the first all-female Northern Irish catamaran crew
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- to go around the world.- You are very, very close, Andrew Maxwell.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Halfway around the world!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44JIMEOIN: Is the catamaran bit right?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46No? On a raft?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Jimeoin, you are getting closer, yes.- Really?- Keep going.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Close to it.- Did it have a sale?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- No.- So like a canoe? No?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- AISLING: Surfboard.- So close!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- ANDREW:- Submarine!
0:17:58 > 0:18:03You and three other hot chicks submarined around the world!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Because Michael Smiley came the closest,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I will give you the point because
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Kate Richardson from Portadown holds the world record with her team
0:18:10 > 0:18:15for being the first, fastest and only women ever to row the Atlantic!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:20 > 0:18:23And that is a big achievement
0:18:23 > 0:18:24because that's inland,
0:18:24 > 0:18:28so if you start at Portadown, you've got to row across a lot... Right?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31You've got to row across three counties,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33and Donegal's hilly,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36so you've got to row uphill, over the top. Well done.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Kate, how did you get involved in this?
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Just by sheer chance, I just happened to meet the girl
0:18:43 > 0:18:45who was organising and putting this all together,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and within 20 minutes of talking to her,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52without any rowing experience or sea experience, I said, "OK, I'll do it!"
0:18:52 > 0:18:54That happened to me organising a hen one time.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- How long did it take you to do it, to row?- It took us 45 days.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Do you think it would have been quicker
0:19:00 > 0:19:02if they'd got someone with rowing experience?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Well, to be fair,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08we actually smashed the previous record by seven days, so...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- Ah!- Ooh!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13So eat that, you Aussie!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- JIMEOIN:- And were you seasick?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Oh, yeah.- Did you chuck up?- Oh, yeah.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25GERRY: What were the biggest waves you encountered?
0:19:25 > 0:19:2850 foot, 60 foot waves. Pretty high.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31We have footage of you trying to make a Pot Noodle during that trip.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- MICHAEL:- That's making me sick just looking at it.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- AISLING:- The Pot Noodle or the...?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44That hat.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I've actually been that hammered making a Pot Noodle.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I don't have a question, but please just don't go anywhere.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I tell you what, if you attempt this
0:20:03 > 0:20:05with a group of all Northern Irish women,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08you're going to have him in a dress turning up on day one.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- Would you like to do it? - Sorry?- Would you like to do it?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14The...the boat thing?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Oh, I love it, man. His voice properly broke like a schoolboy.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23"Oh, the boat thing!"
0:20:25 > 0:20:28It's an amazing achievement. Congratulations.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30A round of applause for Kate!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:33 > 0:20:36The next round is all about those monumental and not-so-monumental moments
0:20:36 > 0:20:39that have made the headlines here in Northern Ireland,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41but can our panellists work out what those moments were
0:20:41 > 0:20:42from the headlines alone?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Teams, get ready to buzz in. Here's your first headline.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49BUZZER
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Jimeoin.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Reporter keeps finger on M button for too long.- No!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55The spring has a stuttering start.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Oh, yes! The answer was snow, hail and wind in Fermanagh in May.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Next headline.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04- BUZZER - Yes, Andrew.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Never shall mix.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10In 1933, there was an attempt to charge farmers £3 per furlong
0:21:10 > 0:21:13for telephone wire from pole to farm.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15For some of you young people watching,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17we need to define the words "furlong",
0:21:17 > 0:21:20"telephone wire" and "farm".
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Next headline.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25BUZZER
0:21:25 > 0:21:27That's obviously some kind of voyeurism thing going on!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30It wasn't me, honestly! I wasn't there at the time.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- It was a guy who looks like me. - The answer was,
0:21:32 > 0:21:37two Labradors appeared in court accused of worrying some hens.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39There's nothing worse than a worried hen.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I do like the idea of a doggy, like, just five dogs lined up
0:21:43 > 0:21:46and some hens walking in front of them, trying to pick which one.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49ANDREW MAKES CHICKEN NOISES
0:21:57 > 0:21:58So the next headline.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02BUZZER
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- Gerry.- Possible names for Bob Geldof's children.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09That is a Stewartstown man who has strange-shaped hedges.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I bet you the peach is an arse.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15"I'm cutting it into the shape of an arse, heh-heh!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17"It's a peach! It's a peach, mammy!"
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- Tough call. At the end of that round the points go to Andrew's team.- Yes!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23APPLAUSE
0:22:23 > 0:22:26OK, it's been great, but as ever, we've saved the best till last.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28It's time to pay tribute to tonight's special guest
0:22:28 > 0:22:32and when it comes to broadcasting, this guy wrote the book.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34And I am about to read from it.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35- Ah!- Oh!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37This is Gerry's book, Surviving In Stroke City.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Available at all good bookshops.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Quote - "Sustaining a successful career in show business depends
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"on one's ability to master the art of looking surprised and shocked
0:22:47 > 0:22:51"at being told something that someone has already known for some time."
0:22:51 > 0:22:54It's time to show us your best surprised face
0:22:54 > 0:22:56cos the panellist getting Monumental status this week
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- is the one, the only Gerry Anderson! - Oh, thank you!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Now, Gerry, everybody knows you
0:23:08 > 0:23:11as an award-winning radio and TV broadcaster
0:23:11 > 0:23:13but Gerry first popped his performing cherry
0:23:13 > 0:23:15playing in showbands. Have a look at this.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Oh, my God.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19- Where are you?- Extreme right.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24JIMEOIN: How did you make money in that band? There are way too many!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26So what was it like being in a showband at the time?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30It was terrible. Everybody who was in a showband didn't want to be in one
0:23:30 > 0:23:32because anyone who was interested in music,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34the last thing they should have done was join a showband.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38I started to play guitar in my room, someone said, "He's good, why doesn't he play in a band?"
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I said, "A band?" And I found myself on the stage.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43It was the worst thing I ever did. I hated it,
0:23:43 > 0:23:44and then everything I've ever done,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I've always ended up being in show business and I've never liked it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Saying the words, "I never wanted to be in show business"
0:23:50 > 0:23:52sitting on a giant yellow brick
0:23:52 > 0:23:55has to be the best thing I've seen in my life!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58So the next obvious place for a man who's used to this kind of lifestyle
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- is of course BBC Radio Foyle.- Yes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Good morning, housewives. And ladies.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08ROOSTER SOUND EFFECT
0:24:08 > 0:24:12And good morning, everyone else. What a wonderful day.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15God's in his heaven, Elizabeth's on the throne
0:24:15 > 0:24:18and the dole will open in two hours, so get up, get out...
0:24:18 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:23 > 0:24:26So what were your early days of radio like?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Oh, great, because I never wanted to be on the radio.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31LAUGHTER
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- This is a quote from your book.- Yes! - "I had what it took to be on radio.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39"I could lie convincingly without apparent effort, fluently and live."
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Not everybody can do that. It's a talent.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Now, your talent on the radio
0:24:44 > 0:24:47won you a Gold Sony Award for Best Regional Broadcaster.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50You're in the prestigious Radio Academy Hall Of Fame,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52alongside greats like Sir Terry Wogan.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Uniquely, you're also proud to have topped a local poll in two categories,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- one - Northern Ireland's favourite radio personality.- Yes.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00And the radio personality
0:25:00 > 0:25:03people would most like to see removed from the airwaves.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I'm particularly proud of that one.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10It wouldn't be long before you were called up to the big leagues.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- Radio 4 came calling.- Oh, yes!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Here's how some members of the Northern Irish public reacted
0:25:15 > 0:25:17to the news that Gerry was leaving for London.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20That's very sad to see him go, and he'll be missed.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22My auntie likes him. She's mad about him,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25but I'm not too keen on him, like.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:29 > 0:25:32But you know, the fact that I was thoroughly despised
0:25:32 > 0:25:36by a large proportion of the Radio 4 audience, I'm proud of it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Then you moved onto TV.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- Now, I've seen a few clips of your many local TV shows.- Yeah.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- And your studio chat show Anderson On The Box.- Done here, yeah.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50One of my favourites, especially how you interacted
0:25:50 > 0:25:53with the audience and guests that you're interviewing.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56For instance, what caught your eye the most about Catherine Zeta Jones?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00She had the hairiest arms I've ever seen on a woman.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Now, I like that.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- You can't tell.- No, you can't tell.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08No, TV's a wonderful thing.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11It puts on ten pounds and removes all hair on your arms.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14- You didn't want to play in a band.- No.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- You didn't want to be on radio.- No.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Did you want to be on TV?- No. I didn't want to do any of that.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I just wanted to sit at home and look at the window.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Do you think maybe that's the secret of your success?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I don't have any success.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I have no idea. What I do is, I just try and...
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Be yourself, you can't really be yourself,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34because if you were yourself, you'd be sacked immediately.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38It's the same thing I say to people if they ever ask me about radio,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40"What's the secret of radio?" There is no secret.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42What you do is, you be yourself.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44If they don't like you, do something else,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46but don't pretend to be something else.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- That's what I think. - Take that home, kids.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- APPLAUSE - Gerry, you're a national treasure, whether you like it not.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54You have a career that 100 people would be proud of
0:26:54 > 0:26:55and all that's left to hear
0:26:55 > 0:26:59is a special tribute from a fellow North Coast hard rocking legend
0:26:59 > 0:27:00who was very difficult to book,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03but he has taken some time out from his busy touring schedule
0:27:03 > 0:27:05to record this special message just for you.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Hello, Gerry.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Great news, I hear. They're giving you monumental status.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16I just wanted to congratulate you on this great occasion.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Now, you were always there for me and I'll never forget it.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Yes, you were right there
0:27:22 > 0:27:25in the front row of every concert that I did,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29singing along with every song, and you knew all the words.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33If I ever need a bass player, by the way, you'll be...
0:27:34 > 0:27:40..the 11th person I'll call. Have a monumental night, Gerry. Cheers.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the man, the legend, Gerry Anderson,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- you are monumental.- Thank you.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:55That brings us to the end of the show.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58The scores were dead set even before that final round
0:27:58 > 0:28:01but because you're monumental, you've tipped it over the edge.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Andrew's team have won the show!
0:28:03 > 0:28:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:10It's a big thanks to Jimeoin, Michael Smiley, and Aisling Bea!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Andrew Maxwell and Micky Bartlett!
0:28:14 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- And the monumental Gerry Anderson! - Thank you.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:23I've been Adam Hills, and you lovely people of Northern Ireland
0:28:23 > 0:28:25have been truly monumental. Good night!
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd