0:00:19 > 0:00:22On the show tonight, it's Andrew Maxwell,
0:00:22 > 0:00:23Micky Bartlett
0:00:23 > 0:00:27and the brilliant actress from the hit BBC drama The Fall,
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Bronagh Waugh.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31On the other team, Jimeoin,
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Michael Smiley
0:00:32 > 0:00:34and our monumental guest,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Northern Irish football legend Gerry Armstrong.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:41And here's your host, Jarred Christmas.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Hello and welcome to Monumental.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46The show about Northern Ireland, hosted by a Kiwi.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50My job is to be an independent observer on the show
0:00:50 > 0:00:52and find out what is monumental about this place.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55And I've been really looking forward to coming back to Belfast
0:00:55 > 0:00:57because I love the Northern Irish names,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00especially the Old Irish names for girls,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02like Grainne, Aoife, Niamh,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05but I keep hearing mums shouting in shopping centres things like
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Kylie and Beyonce and once
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I'm pretty sure I heard Chaka Khan.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I thought I had it bad on the name front
0:01:13 > 0:01:15because my name is genuinely Jarred Christmas.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And Jarred is actually spelt "Jarred". Thanks, Mum and Dad.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22You've basically called me Drunk Christmas.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Which apparently means I will fit in quite well over here.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28And what I'm about to tell you now is completely true.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31My family is riddled with ridiculous names.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33My dad's name is Chris Christmas.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37But if you want the tongue twister, it's Christopher Christmas.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40And my auntie, who married into the family, is Carol Christmas,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42so backwards it's Christmas Carol.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46My mum's auntie is called Christine, but everyone calls her Chris
0:01:46 > 0:01:48and she remarried a man called Bob Smith,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51so she's now Chris Smith - which is Christmas with a lisp!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Gerry, you've played football all over the place. England, Spain.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03What was your greeting like when you first went to Spain?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- It was the year after we'd beat them in the World Cup.- Woo!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12The reception in Majorca, who I played for, was good,
0:02:12 > 0:02:16but when we went onto the mainland to play Valencia, which is where
0:02:16 > 0:02:17I scored the goal, there was
0:02:17 > 0:02:21two or three hundred fans waiting with bananas, apples, pears,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24oranges. They threw every bit of fruit they could get at me
0:02:24 > 0:02:25when I came out onto the...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Pineapples would hurt, wouldn't they?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I was glad they didn't use coconuts!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31You know when they throw the pineapple
0:02:31 > 0:02:33and they do that first of all...
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Right, let's get on with the show.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40This round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Each player suggests someone from anywhere in the world
0:02:43 > 0:02:45they would like to adopt for Northern Ireland.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Bronagh, who would you make Northern Irish?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I'd like to make Christian Grey from 50 Shades Of Grey
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Northern Irish. AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I don't know if you know, but the guy who played
0:02:55 > 0:02:57my husband in The Fall, Jamie Dornan,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59he's playing Christian Grey in 50 Shades Of Grey.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02And I imagine is doing an American accent,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05but I think it would be funny if he did it Northern Irish.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Like, "Horse it in, Anastasia, see you?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"Do you know what I'm going to do to you, wee doll?"
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Also, everything we say sounds a bit aggressive as well,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17like Northern Irish accents do sound a bit aggressive
0:03:17 > 0:03:19so in 50 Shades Of Grey there is handcuffs
0:03:19 > 0:03:22and silver, jiggly balls and blindfolds and stuff,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25and I think if someone who was Northern Irish went,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27"I'm going to blindfold you
0:03:27 > 0:03:30"and handcuff you to bed," you would absolutely shite yourself!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Bronagh, have you actually read the books?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I read up to page 33 and then I started blushing!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I can't wait for the pop-up version.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41BRONAGH: Have you read any?
0:03:41 > 0:03:46My wife bought the three books six months ago and they are
0:03:46 > 0:03:49sitting on her bedside cabinet, and she hasn't read them yet.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52That is because you, my friend, are a love machine.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- She doesn't need any of that! - I think you're right.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- Jimeoin. Who do you want to nominate?- Superman. It'd be great
0:03:59 > 0:04:01if Superman was from Northern Ireland
0:04:01 > 0:04:03but he just had shit teeth.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07But nobody knew him as Superman,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10they just knew him as just a handy boy.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Do you know Clark? Oh, tight wee man.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Oh, he's a tight wee man.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I don't understand why they all have American accents.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I would like to see more Northern Irish accents in superhero movies.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I'd love to see Robin going, "Holy Jesus, Batman!"
0:04:26 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I'd love to hear that!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33The getaway car's a tractor!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36A guy in our home town, he went to America
0:04:36 > 0:04:39and when he came back, his brother had picked up an American accent.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I'm telling you!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Andrew, who do you fancy?
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Just to show Edwin Poots
0:04:50 > 0:04:55that two creatures who are clearly the same gender
0:04:55 > 0:04:58can sleep in the same bed together and the world won't end.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02APPLAUSE
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Know what I mean?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08I was on a bus in London
0:05:08 > 0:05:11and there were two really drunk kids in hoodies sitting in front of me
0:05:11 > 0:05:14having just a beautiful drunken conversation.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17One of them turned around to the other one and went, "Here,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"do you know Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are gay?"
0:05:20 > 0:05:24And the other one turned around and went, "How can they be gay?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27"One of them's an orange and the other one's a banana."
0:05:32 > 0:05:37Did anybody else notice that? I had no idea.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Literally until you just said, now I'm like...
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Really?!
0:05:43 > 0:05:48Gerry, who would you grant honorary Northern Ireland status to?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Lionel Messi.- Really?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Northern Irish status, because I have a plan.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56It's a good plan, I think everyone will agree with it.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I think if we can bring Messi over here,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02get him to meet some of the girls, impregnate some of the girls,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05we can qualify for the World Cup in 20 years' time.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Think of all the little Messis!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09APPLAUSE
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Mind you, to be fair, it didn't work for George Best, though, did it?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18APPLAUSE
0:06:19 > 0:06:21And what about you, Micky?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I would like to have Miley Cyrus be from Northern Ireland.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26If Miley Cyrus was Northern Irish, right, a lot of the world's
0:06:26 > 0:06:31problems would be solved because all this carry on, right,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35that would've been called what it is, not a talent - an affliction.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39People would've been going, "Look, Miley's not well, look at her."
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Didn't she get a tattoo on her bum?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Which means she doesn't have a tramp stamp any more,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48she's actually advanced to a troll hole.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50That's what that'll be called.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I also think that if Miley Cyrus was from Northern Ireland,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56she would have a craze that wouldn't be called twerking.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58It'd be called "Twining on".
0:07:00 > 0:07:02What's twerking?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04It's booty-shaking.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Michael, I think we should show him.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08It's a wee bit like that there.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11BRONAGH: Bit of that!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Get on the end of this, missus, huh?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16APPLAUSE
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I'm as hot as Louisiana asphalt!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I'm going to award that round to...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Jimeoin's team!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30APPLAUSE
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Next up is a round called Town Challenge.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I'm going to give our team facts about a monumental
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Northern Irish town and the teams have to guess the name.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Jimeoin's team, you're up first.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Here's your first fact about your town.
0:07:47 > 0:07:53A creamery named after the town produces no less than 22
0:07:53 > 0:07:55varieties of cheese.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Ooh. Can you narrow it down a bit?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Spelga.- Golden Cow.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Augnacrackerbarrel?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07It doesn't matter what knife you use for cutting cheese.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It always goes through the cheese at the same speed.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14You get the smallest knife,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16you put the least amount of pressure on,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18it goes through the cheese, does that.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24We get that... You could drop a machete on a block of cheese,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26As soon as it hits, it goes...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Guillotine.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Great way of getting out of a guillotine,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35just hide a block of cheese.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- I've got a couple of cheese jokes that my dad told me.- Oh, yeah?- Yes.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Strap in, everybody.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47How do you entice a grizzly out of the woods with cheese?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Cam-em-bert. Cam-em-bert.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Camembert!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54What's the richest cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Paris Stilton...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58How do you disguise a horse? Mascarpone.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Gerry's a punch line repeater!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"Camembert..."
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- He repeated every punch line! - Here's one. You'll love this one.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11This one is specifically for you, Gerry.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Did you hear about the French cheese factory that blew up?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16All that was left was de brie.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18De brie!
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Oh, look out!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22APPLAUSE
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Right, here's your second fact, guys.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28A New Zealand indie rock band shares its name with this town.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Presumably they considered Drumahoe,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33but maybe that's a bit offensive for the drummer.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Tramore, do they make cheese there? Tramore?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Tramore! "Everybody, we're Tramore! Rock it!"
0:09:43 > 0:09:46"Please welcome on stage Ballysally!"
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Third clue - confusingly,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55this town is actually six miles from the nearest town.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Six Mile Town.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00That's not a band. "We're Six Mile Town!"
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- Fivemiletown. - Is it? Hasn't it got bigger?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Fivemiletown, they make cheese there...- Do they?!
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- What's your final answer? - Fivemiletown.- Fivemiletown it is.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Well done, Gerry!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16APPLAUSE
0:10:17 > 0:10:22Apparently Old Irish miles are longer than new Irish miles.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Despite being called Fivemiletown, it is actually
0:10:24 > 0:10:286.2 miles from its nearest neighbour, Brookeborough.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30That's according to Google Maps.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33According to Apple Maps, it's somewhere in Belgium.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Andrew's team. Here's your first clue.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38In the world of Harry Potter,
0:10:38 > 0:10:43this town has its own quidditch team called The Bats.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Banbridge.- Bats.- The Banbridge Bats.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48The Bangor Bats.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- The Bangor Bats. The Ballymena Bats. - It's not that.- OK!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Good try, though. Are you ready for the second fact, team?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56This town is home to the Vanishing Lake,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59a lake that can disappear before your very eyes.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Somewhere that gets damp in Northern Ireland...
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- We've got it down to six counties. - It is near the border?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Cos if it's near the border, maybe the reason it's vanishing
0:11:09 > 0:11:12is that it's just going across the border.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14So we're like water laundering.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- It's nowhere near the border. - It's on the coast.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It's probably just the tide going out, isn't it?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23It's just the tide going out.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Let's put you guys out of your misery.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31A social event in the town was made famous by this song.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35# But the scene that haunts my memory is kissing Mary Ann
0:11:35 > 0:11:39# Her pouting lips all sticky from eating Yellow Man... #
0:11:39 > 0:11:41We should twerk to this!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I know where it is because it's near me, it's Ballycastle.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Well done, Bronagh. Well done. The answer was...
0:11:51 > 0:11:55# ..at the ould Lammas Fair in Ballycastle-O!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Woo!- Woo! - APPLAUSE
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Ballycastle in County Antrim. Well done.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05That round goes to Jimeoin's team!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07APPLAUSE
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Two! Two!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12In this round, I want our teams to tell us
0:12:12 > 0:12:16about something that has disappeared from life in Northern Ireland.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Anything that reminds you of the good old times that you'd like
0:12:19 > 0:12:21to bring back. Jimeoin, let's start with you.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- What do you miss most of all? - I miss wrong numbers.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Remember you used to get a wrong number? They don't come up any more.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Like, you'd phone looking for your friend,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34you'd get this random person, you'd be going, "Is Brian there?"
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And they'd be really concerned, going, "No...
0:12:38 > 0:12:42"There's no Brian here..." They were really worried!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44You sort of got them on a technicality
0:12:44 > 0:12:48because they probably never thought of checking for a Brian.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50That's what's going through their head.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52"Hang on, is there a Brian here?"
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Some guy comes up behind the sofa, going...
0:12:58 > 0:13:01There's lots of things you can't get away with now, because everyone has
0:13:01 > 0:13:04mobiles and stuff, so you can't get away with excuses - "I'm not in."
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Once when someone phoned our house, my mum went,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08"If that's for me, I'm in the bath."
0:13:08 > 0:13:11And my dad went, "Yeah, so am I." And I went...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"Hello? No, she's in the bath.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20"He's in the bath too!"
0:13:22 > 0:13:25The big one now on the landline is getting cold-called
0:13:25 > 0:13:30from accident lawyer companies, ambulance chasers.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32And they'll always start off, "Hey,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"our records state that you've had an accident."
0:13:35 > 0:13:39And if you reply in any other way than this,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42you're on their database, you will get hounded for weeks on end.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44This is what I've learned from experience.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46This is what you've got to do.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47When they start off,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49"Our record states that you got injured in an accident,"
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Your opening line has to be...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54"Oh, it was no accident."
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Case closed.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Or if they ring up about a claim, you go, "Sh!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11"I'm actually a burglar doing their house as we speak.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13"So watch out, in a couple of weeks' time
0:14:13 > 0:14:17"they're going to be putting in a claim for a TV, a DVD player.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19"I'm taking the lot. See ya!"
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Andrew, what do you want back?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I want to bring back a time when we used to watch holiday programmes,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31so we could see what a holiday looked like.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35That was it. That was it. That's what we used to do.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38We'd watch Holiday whatever year it was,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40or Wish You Were Here with...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Judith Chalmers, Gloria Hunniford.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Gloria Hunniford was in that.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48And you'd just watch a foreign holiday and you'd be like, "Wow!
0:14:48 > 0:14:49"Camping in France!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"How the billionaires live!"
0:14:55 > 0:14:58My childhood was going to places like Mosney,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01which is like a holding centre in southern Ireland.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05And we used to go down there
0:15:05 > 0:15:08and just sort of wander around in a headwind for two weeks.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Do you know where my parents went on their honeymoon? Lough Derg.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Sexy!
0:15:18 > 0:15:19They're not even Catholics.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- All right, Gerry, what do you want to bring back?- Street games.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I think street games are something that the kids really miss out on
0:15:28 > 0:15:29now, big-time.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Too many computers, too much television
0:15:32 > 0:15:35and you had to keep yourself amused when I was growing up.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Petrol bombing.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Putting windows in! Happy days. Happy days.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46No, some of the games we played were actually quite fun.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49The one I loved, though, was, you know,
0:15:49 > 0:15:51you knocked the door with a thread - you hide in the garden
0:15:51 > 0:15:54across the road and you put the thread and then you knock the door
0:15:54 > 0:15:56and then you'd loosen the thread
0:15:56 > 0:15:59and the people would open the door, look out, there's nobody there,
0:15:59 > 0:16:03they'd close it, then you'd wait a few seconds and knock it again.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- And they'd come out. - What about...
0:16:05 > 0:16:09What about getting the dog's turd and putting it in paper and lighting
0:16:09 > 0:16:13the dog's turd, knocking the door, the person comes out and goes...
0:16:13 > 0:16:15HE STAMPS
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- I didn't do that one. - You did that!- I did that, aye.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Bronagh, what are you pining for?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I think it's dying out in Northern Ireland, but also certainly from
0:16:26 > 0:16:29living over in England, it doesn't exist at all
0:16:29 > 0:16:31and it's buying a round of drinks.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Like, when I first started in Hollyoaks I'd go down the pub
0:16:34 > 0:16:36with the cast and the crew and I'd be like,
0:16:36 > 0:16:37"What are yous drinking?"
0:16:37 > 0:16:40And there'd be like 15, 16, 17 people going,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43"I'll have a pint of Carlsberg, I'll have a pint of Stella,"
0:16:43 > 0:16:46and so you're getting them all in and then you'd sit and drink yours
0:16:46 > 0:16:50quite quickly and then go, "Well, I've just bought 16 drinks.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"Is anyone going to buy me one back?" and no-one buys you one back!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Whenever you were buying a round of drinks for everyone in Hollyoaks,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59then it came to your turn and no-one bought you a drink back,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01did you really slowly look at the camera and go...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03HE HUMS HOLLYOAKS THEME
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Any time any new Northern Irish actors would come into Hollyoaks,
0:17:07 > 0:17:11they'd go, "Is there any advice you'd give us for living in England
0:17:11 > 0:17:15"and working on Hollyoaks?" I'd say, "Yes. Two pieces of advice.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18"The first one is, don't buy rounds because you never get them back.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"And the second piece of advice is, don't say the craic is 90
0:17:21 > 0:17:25"because everyone will think you have a drug problem."
0:17:25 > 0:17:28And they'll think that's how much your drugs cost, so just leave it.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Leave craic out of it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32OK, Michael, what do you want to bring back?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Winking. I said winking.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, phew!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39We used to do a lot of winking when I was a kid, growing up.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40You know? It had different meanings.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43There'd be, "All right, how you doing?" which is like,
0:17:43 > 0:17:44"Things are good, not too bad."
0:17:44 > 0:17:47And there was like, "All right?" Which was...
0:17:48 > 0:17:52"I know what you're up to, big lad. I'm in front of you."
0:17:52 > 0:17:56But for the girl, "All right, girl?" So the winking and the head movement
0:17:56 > 0:17:59at the same time as if to say, "I'm cheeky, but I'm fun in bed, too.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04"You're going to laugh all the way to your organism, so you are."
0:18:04 > 0:18:08You know when somebody is giving you a bit of advice,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11a little tip, and you give them a - "I know you're giving me a tip,"
0:18:11 > 0:18:14so you give them the tongue-out wink. "Oh..."
0:18:17 > 0:18:19"Oh, oh, oh..."
0:18:19 > 0:18:21You've got to be careful with that wink
0:18:21 > 0:18:25because it can easily turn into a nap. "Oh, yeah..."
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I had to work...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I had to work on that wink, to be honest.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Like a double-take.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- I can't do a double-take.- No!
0:18:35 > 0:18:36You can't do that.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- ANDREW:- It's an affliction. A lot of people can't wink.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- You have to teach your kids how to wink.- They always start off blinking.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44It's very cute.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47What I do with mine is I put a patch on one of their eyes.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51I just get them to get used to it all the time, pretend
0:18:51 > 0:18:52they're pirates for a while.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Pretend they're pirates and then gaffer tape the other one down
0:18:55 > 0:18:56and then take that one off.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59The amount of fun that we have coming up to Christmas.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02They really appreciate their presents.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06I'm going to award that round to...
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Andrew's team!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10APPLAUSE
0:19:13 > 0:19:16We call this round Mystery Monumental.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It's all about celebrating a great achievement by someone
0:19:19 > 0:19:22from Northern Ireland that you probably haven't heard of.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Please welcome tonight's Mystery Monumental guest, Dineka Maguire.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28APPLAUSE
0:19:28 > 0:19:31MUSIC: "You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito
0:19:33 > 0:19:37All right, everybody, you are in the presence of a world champion.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40But what is Dineka a world champion in?
0:19:40 > 0:19:41- JIMEOIN:- Wrestler.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Is it sports?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Yes.- Is it a team sport?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48No, individual.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Just you on your own? Speed chase.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Do you have to be strong to do it?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- You have to be quite strong. - I'll give you your first clue.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00This event is all about speed. But you can't see where you're going.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Blind monkey juggling!
0:20:03 > 0:20:04- Is it blind cycling?- No.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07why don't you hit them up with the second clue?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Sometimes when I train, I wear pyjamas.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- Onesie luge.- No.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Diving to get the brick at the bottom of the swimming pool?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Erm, I do do that when I train. - Oh!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Underwater bricklayer!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23OK, there's one more clue. It's a headline in the newspaper.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Bog swimming!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Nearly.- Bog...- Shock swimming.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Bog trotting.- No.- Bog jumping.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- Bog brushing.- No.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38You need a piece of equipment.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Bog snorkelling!- Bog snorkelling! - Micky got it.- Yes!
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Well done, Micky.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45APPLAUSE
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Dineka is the four times world bog snorkelling champion
0:20:49 > 0:20:52and the fastest person ever in the sport.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54BRONAGH: Woo!
0:20:54 > 0:20:55APPLAUSE
0:20:57 > 0:21:01How did you get into it? Did you fall over pissed one night or something?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04No. Mum works in a school that I used to go to
0:21:04 > 0:21:06and one of her colleagues mentioned it.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09And she's like, "I'm sure Dineka will try that." And I had a go.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11God, I love your ma.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15"Bog snorkelling? Our Dineka will try that!"
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Have you had any injuries? Is it a dangerous sport?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I haven't had any injuries but the first time that I did do it,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25there was a person got hypothermia and she spent the night in hospital.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- She didn't wear her pyjamas? - No, she didn't!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Do you do yoga in case you have to get round the S-bend or anything?
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Don't do any yoga.
0:21:33 > 0:21:39OK, guys, give it up big-time for the world bog snorkelling
0:21:39 > 0:21:41champion, Dineka Maguire!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Well, we are near the end of the show.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Although it's further away if you're watching in Fivemiletown.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59But first it's time to pay tribute to this show's monumental guest.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Tonight, we bestow monumental status on one of Northern Ireland
0:22:03 > 0:22:04football's best strikers.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08The top scorer from the Home Nations in the 1982 World Cup.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13Ladies and gentlemen, the legend of the Falls, Gerry Armstrong.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15APPLAUSE
0:22:23 > 0:22:27OK, G-Dogg, in 1975 you were playing
0:22:27 > 0:22:29in the Irish League for Bangor.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32And then the top English teams came looking for you.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Spurs first, but in 1981 Elton John, the chairman of Watford,
0:22:36 > 0:22:42said, "Don't go breaking my heart, Gerry," and you joined their attack.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Here's a photo of you at the time.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- WOLF WHISTLES - Wow.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Did you show Elton John your skills or did you just show him that photo?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I don't know if he signed me on the strength of that photo,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54but that was in the '82 World Cup.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- That was, I think, taken outside our hotel.- It's a nice photo, mate.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02And then came the moment that pretty much every Northern Irish person
0:23:02 > 0:23:04knows, along with every Spaniard.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07The moment you blasted your name into the history books.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10COMMENTATOR: Gerry Armstrong, what a worker he is...
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Go on, Gerry. Hope he scores.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Oh, nice touch.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21COMMENTATOR: ..still Billy Hamilton, he's got past Tendillo...
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Boom!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Northern Ireland have scored through Gerry Armstrong.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Well done, mate.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I remember, the guy that tried to kick me on the halfway line,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37the Spanish guy, was Xabi Alonso's father, Periko.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38He tried to kick me to stop me
0:23:38 > 0:23:40and I pushed the ball to Billy Hamilton.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It was a brilliant cross in from Billy,
0:23:42 > 0:23:46which took me by surprise and obviously the goalkeeper, Arconada,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49and then he palmed it into my path and I duly obliged
0:23:49 > 0:23:52and put it in the back of the net - that was what I was there to do.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57I heard something about a drug test that turned into a bit of a session.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58That was funny.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I was brought off the pitch at the end of the Spanish game,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03we had beaten them 1-0.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06And as I went down to celebrate, two guys stepped forward and said,
0:24:06 > 0:24:10"You're being brought in for a drug test," and they took me and
0:24:10 > 0:24:13another player, Sammy Nelson, and the doctor came over.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15He didn't speak much English.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18And he said, you know, "Pee-pee," and he gave us a plastic cup.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20And Sammy was a bit of a comedian
0:24:20 > 0:24:25and basically he pulled his shorts down and he put his backside up
0:24:25 > 0:24:29like that, went like that, and the doctor said, "No caca! Pee-pee!"
0:24:30 > 0:24:34So after the World Cup, you had a great homecoming at Watford
0:24:34 > 0:24:37and an even better one in Belfast.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40This is the open-top bus that took us through the city centre.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43We went to the City Hall. Fantastic.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46There was hundreds of thousands of fans turned up
0:24:46 > 0:24:47in the streets of Belfast.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51We don't get opportunities like that too often to qualify
0:24:51 > 0:24:54and do well in the World Cup final, so I was fortunate enough that
0:24:54 > 0:24:59I managed it twice in 1982 and '86, so very happy days. Happy times.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01It just looked like a flag parade, didn't it?
0:25:02 > 0:25:08The cameraman looked like the POV behind one of those police shields.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Just pushing him back towards the City Hall.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Meanwhile, Gerry's behind him with a scary moustache, waving at him.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21You were the Northern Ireland assistant manager twice under
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Brian Hamilton and, of course, Laurie Sanchez
0:25:24 > 0:25:28when Northern Ireland beat England 1-0 in that famous World Cup
0:25:28 > 0:25:31qualifier at Windsor Park in 2005.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35COMMENTATOR: And Healy seems to be moving sprightly enough.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Here is Davis.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40It's a good ball. The flag stays down. Healy!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Oh! What a moment for Northern Ireland!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45What a moment for Windsor Park!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48APPLAUSE
0:25:48 > 0:25:51That was a very special occasion for us,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54and to beat them with the players they had on the park, Wayne Rooney,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Michael Owen, Steven Gerrard, David Beckham.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00They had a fabulous... Frank Lampard. Fabulous team they had out.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Long may the memories be in everybody's minds of that
0:26:02 > 0:26:04but I'd love to see a Northern Ireland team
0:26:04 > 0:26:06qualify for a World Cup finals once again.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Woo!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14It'll happen, mate. If New Zealand can do it, you guys can.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17But even though we don't see you on the pitch any more,
0:26:17 > 0:26:23you're still a "playa" when it comes to good old-fashioned romance.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Here's you popping the question of marriage to your lovely wife, Debby.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Oh, very good. She will love this.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34I'm going to announce I'm getting married in the summer, in July.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36CHEERING
0:26:39 > 0:26:40BRONAGH: Aw!
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Well done, mate.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:48 > 0:26:51That's done like a typically Northern Irish man - you proposed
0:26:51 > 0:26:55in a tracksuit, you didn't even ask her - you just told her.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00And we couldn't let the sun go down on you without a word
0:27:00 > 0:27:03from a very special colleague of yours,
0:27:03 > 0:27:07The Rocket Man himself, ladies and gentlemen, Sir El...
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Lawrie Sanchez!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Hi, Gerry. Congratulations on receiving monumental status.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16A title you've held unofficially since that night in Spain in '82.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I need to tell a story when you were my assistant for Northern Ireland.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Remember the night of the England game?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I'm looking round the dressing room for you before the game
0:27:24 > 0:27:27and where are you? You're on the pitch, getting engaged to Debby.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Anyway, we both won that night. Have a great night.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32And enjoy your new status.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34APPLAUSE
0:27:34 > 0:27:39Ladies and gentlemen, the man, the legend, Gerry Armstrong.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41You are monumental.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:51So, that's about it for tonight but before we go,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54the scores are in, and tonight's winners are...
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Jimeoin's team!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57CHEERING
0:27:58 > 0:28:03So, it's thanks to Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett and Bronagh Waugh,
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Jimeoin, Michael Smiley and the monumental Gerry Armstrong.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I've been Jarred Christmas, and you lovely people
0:28:11 > 0:28:14of Northern Ireland have been truly monumental.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Good night.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18CHEERING