0:00:19 > 0:00:21'On tonight's show -
0:00:21 > 0:00:23'Jimeoin, Michael Smiley,
0:00:23 > 0:00:26and, she got four yeses on Britain's Got Talent,
0:00:26 > 0:00:29'comedian Niamh Marron.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31'Facing them - Andrew Maxwell,
0:00:31 > 0:00:33'Micky Bartlett,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35'and our Monumental guest Mr Jackie Fullerton.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38'Please welcome your host,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40'Mr Jarred Christmas.'
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hello, and welcome to Monumental,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45the show about Northern Ireland hosted by a Kiwi.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49It's my job to be an independent observer in this show
0:00:49 > 0:00:52and find out what it is that makes you guys monumental.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54When I arrived in your beautiful country
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I saw something that threw me completely.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59It was at Belfast International Airport -
0:00:59 > 0:01:02there was a Northern Ireland tourism poster saying,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04"Good times are a stone's throw away."
0:01:04 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:12I don't think that slogan's doing you any favours,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15you might as well say, "Belfast - it's a riot!"
0:01:17 > 0:01:18You guys are so good
0:01:18 > 0:01:21at spinning a negative into a positive.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25The Titanic was the greatest maritime disaster in history
0:01:25 > 0:01:29and you've turned it into a tourist attraction. Well done.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32A boat that sunk is keeping your tourism afloat.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36You even say things like, "It was all right when it left here."
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Now, I'm not from around these parts,
0:01:38 > 0:01:39but one thing I know
0:01:39 > 0:01:43is that a Nutty Krust is not a medical condition.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46And never, ever ask a man from Clough the time.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Did I say that right? Clouggggh?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Clough.- Clough.- Clough.- Clough.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Clough.- Clough.- Clough.- Clough.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Clough.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Clouggggh!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Let's get on with the show!
0:01:59 > 0:02:03APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:06This round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07It's a chance for our teams
0:02:07 > 0:02:10to pick someone from anywhere around the world
0:02:10 > 0:02:12and make them Northern Irish.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Jackie, who would you like to grace this fair isle?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Diego Maradona.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19I think he would make
0:02:19 > 0:02:23a wonderful Tyrone Gaelic footballer.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Well, he's short, he's stocky,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31he's got good ball-handling skills,
0:02:31 > 0:02:32as we remember,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35the Hand Of God, against England.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38And he upset the English, which was great.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40But also, Tyrone Gaelic footballer -
0:02:40 > 0:02:43he's difficult to understand as well.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:49What about you, Jimeoin? Who do you want to be Northern Irish?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I'd like to see James Brown.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54You know when you're in a public toilet,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56there's always that guy that comes in the back
0:02:56 > 0:02:58just as you're having a piss, going, "Whoo!"
0:02:58 > 0:02:59"God, what!"
0:02:59 > 0:03:01"That's funky!"
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- "Step back!"- James Brown could definitely be from here.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07He was always pretending to be disabled.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13He's pretending to have had an accident.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15"Oh, I can't get up!"
0:03:15 > 0:03:17HE MUMBLES
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"No, no. Bad."
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Can I get a witness?- Can I get a witness? I'm putting in claim.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25LAUGHTER
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Andrew, who's your choice?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31The dude that wrote Game Of Thrones. It's...
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- George...- George R R Martin. - Is that him?- Yeah.- Yeah, him.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- OK.- Because I had this image
0:03:39 > 0:03:42of the first time the American TV executives
0:03:42 > 0:03:45flew into Belfast to pitch that idea.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48"Gather round, everybody. Let me pitch the show to you.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51"It's basically a crazy fantasy messed-up world
0:03:51 > 0:03:54"where everybody tries to kill everybody else for ever."
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"Can you imagine that?"
0:03:59 > 0:04:03"Oh, aye! Come on in, knock yourself out, mate!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05"You won't even need to build sets."
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- I think we've actually got a photo. There he is.- Is that him?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- That's him.- If he's there, then who's manning the lighthouse?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- I can't watch Game Of Thrones, right, because...- Your mum won't let you?
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Yeah.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER I'm not allowed a TV in my room.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26But most of my mates are in it, you know,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29like, all my mates were extras in Game Of Thrones
0:04:29 > 0:04:32because loads of people from Northern Ireland were extras in the series.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34And it ruins it for you, because when someone goes,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"I'm going to fight a dragon!" You're in the house going,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"Aye, but I remember you pissed yourself in P2."
0:04:40 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Niamh, what have you got?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I'd like Dolly Parton to be Northern.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48She has quite big hair, you know,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and it'd be nice to have someone to have bigger hair than me up here.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54And as well it would be nice to have someone up here
0:04:54 > 0:04:55who even talks about working 9-5.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:02APPLAUSE
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Micky, who do you want to be Northern Irish?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I would like Chewbacca from StarWars to be Northern Irish.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Because, if you don't know who Chewbacca is,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Chewbacca is like seven foot tall, covered in hair and kind of goes...
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- HE WAILS - Like that.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17And I used to go out with this girl from South Armagh, right and...
0:05:17 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:23..the similarities were astounding.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25She genuinely talked a bit like Chewbacca,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28cos they have that kind of nice accent. You know...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- HE MIMICS ACCENT - It was lovely.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34But then she dumped me and now I do a Han Solo! A what?!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38If you try it on the motorway too,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40if you move onto the hard strip that does a...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"Huuuuh".
0:05:42 > 0:05:45And then, if you go to where the cat's-eyes are,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47it's like a galloping,
0:05:47 > 0:05:48"Ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum."
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You can go, like, two movies. "Haaaa,"
0:05:50 > 0:05:53And another one with horses in it.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Can you think of a movie with horses in it?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Black Beauty.- Black Beauty!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02So that's what you told the cops - you're a film buff.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05And finally, Michael Smiley,
0:06:05 > 0:06:06who would you like to be one of you?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Scooby-Doo.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Got to love a bit of Scooby-Doo.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I was always a big fan of Scooby-Doo as a kid.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15But Scooby-Doo, like in Northern Ireland,
0:06:15 > 0:06:19you've got a big dopey mate who eats too much - that's Scooby-Doo.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21And then you get the wee punchy mate called Scrappy Doo
0:06:21 > 0:06:24who's always starting the fight and then they finish it up.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28So you get the wee Scrappy Doo - "Come over here and I'll knock your bollocks in."
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Plus you've got the Mystery Machine that picks you up
0:06:30 > 0:06:33and you don't know where it's going to drop you off.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I think Scooby-Doo would be improved if he had a Northern Irish accent.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- IN NORTHERN-IRISH ACCENT: - "That's super-duper so it is"
0:06:40 > 0:06:43"I'm going to get myself a burger or something like that!"
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"I'll knock your bollocks in, so I will."
0:06:47 > 0:06:49It's time to award the points
0:06:49 > 0:06:53and, just because of the Scooby-Doo bit, it's going to Jimeoin's team.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Now it's time to play Town Challenge.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I'll give the teams facts
0:07:04 > 0:07:07and they've got to tell me the name of the town.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Andrew, you guys are up first - here's your first fact.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14A local resident from this town, Amanda Ros,
0:07:14 > 0:07:18was known as the world's worst author.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Was she writing in Ulster Scots?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26No, no, no, it is very hard to write erotica in Ulster Scots.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Amanda Ros.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32There was a band leader once called Edmundo Ros.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Think it's the same person?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- Same guy.- Same. - Before and after the operation.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38That's all I know.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40OK, here's your second clue -
0:07:40 > 0:07:43the town hosts an annual scarecrow competition.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I think we've got some photos
0:07:48 > 0:07:50of some of these scarecrows.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Look, there's Pinocchio.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- Ariel, The Little Mermaid.- Wow.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58This is my favourite - that's Lady Gaga.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Or as we'd say in New Zealand, Lady Ga-gaah.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- Crows-maglen.- CROWS-maglen.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Crows-maglen. Oh, it's Crossmaglen, it's Crossmaglen.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12OK. Third one.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16The town is home to the Northern Ireland Maze,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20a maze of hedges in the shape of Northern Ireland.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Are you telling me that The Maze was built out of hedges?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- LAUGHTER - Yeah.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Is that the reason why it was so easy to break out of?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33That's what the H stood for.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- Hedge!- Hedge!
0:08:36 > 0:08:40- Think about it, somebody's written something, right?- Yeah.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42They're worried about crows and they trim hedges,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- so it's somewhere where there's Prods.- Bushmills.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46You saying Bushmills?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Yeah, we're saying Bushmills. - Bushmills!
0:08:49 > 0:08:50No.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54No, it's Larne in Antrim.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Is that right?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58No, listen, just for the record - Larne is never right.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- LAUGHTER - OK.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Jimeoin, it's your team's turn.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04This fountain in the town
0:09:04 > 0:09:07is partially constructed of melted-down firearms
0:09:07 > 0:09:11that were used to commit crimes in the USA.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14And that lady who is in it was actually from New York.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17She came to find out what happened to her Glock 9mm.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24So, what, they got guns in America and brought them to Northern Ireland,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27melted them down and made a fountain out of them?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Who pitched that idea and somebody went, "Brilliant.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"Oh, that's brilliant." I've heard of bringing coals to Newcastle,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34but that's taking the piss, isn't it?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Another clue.- OK, Jimeoin, I'll give you another clue, mate.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41This town was briefly home to British Prime Minister Bonar Law.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42What a great name.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44What a great name.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Bonar Law.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Huh? Just walk around with an erection all day
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and just take it up with the surname.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Any ideas, guys?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59So you've got a gun fountain and you've got Bonar Law.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I only know the name of three towns.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Try them. Just pick one.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Armagh. That's a county!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- No, that's a town. - Point of record - Armagh's a city.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Fair enough. - So I only know two, then.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16I'll give you your third fact.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18This town lends its name
0:10:18 > 0:10:21to a brand of whiskey, a brand of cheese
0:10:21 > 0:10:22and brand of wine -
0:10:22 > 0:10:25the holy trinity of a good night in.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Coleraine's got a whiskey, Coleraine's got a cheese.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29- Coleraine?- Well done!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31The answer is Colerain!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35APPLAUSE
0:10:35 > 0:10:36That was Coleraine,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38the town of firearms and Bonar Law.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43Excuse me, he should not, and they should not have got that question,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45because he is from that part of the world.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47So he would know the answer.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I'm from Portstewart, it's four miles away.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I've never been to Coleraine in my life.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Well done, Jimeoin's team.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56You won that round!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:03For this round, I want each of you to tell me about something -
0:11:03 > 0:11:04a saying, a drink, anything -
0:11:04 > 0:11:07that's now missing from the modern Northern Ireland
0:11:07 > 0:11:09but that you'd like to bring back.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Jimeoin, you go first.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13What would you bring back?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16You know those wee naps you used to have at school
0:11:16 > 0:11:18halfway through the day?
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Just fantastic.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I don't know why we stopped doing that.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26There isn't a job in the world or a day in life that is so interesting
0:11:26 > 0:11:30that you can't afford to take 20 minutes of having a nap on a table.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32It's nice when you go to bed though
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and you know when you get that feeling that you're going to sleep
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- and then you get the leg kick, you know...- The twitch.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"Oh, I'm gone, here..."
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Do you know what that twitch is?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Supposedly it's an instinctive thing
0:11:46 > 0:11:48from when we used to sleep in trees
0:11:48 > 0:11:50so that you wouldn't fall too deep asleep,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52you'd wake up before you'd fall off the branch.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54A squirrel was checking your nuts!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I like the guy that's asleep on a train
0:11:59 > 0:12:04and then he wakes up and he looks at you like you're the idiot. You know...
0:12:04 > 0:12:09You know how you don't usually fall proper asleep on public transport?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Part of you is still awake thinking
0:12:11 > 0:12:13we're not going to fall proper asleep, we're not going to snore,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15we're not going to spoon a stranger.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18But I'm a parent, so I fall properly asleep
0:12:18 > 0:12:22and I was on a train to Manchester and I fell so asleep that I dribbled
0:12:22 > 0:12:23and I drooled so much
0:12:23 > 0:12:26that when I woke up someone had put a napkin under my chin.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28LAUGHTER
0:12:28 > 0:12:31It was like really embarrassing but thoughtful at the same time.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Andrew, what do you want to bring back?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I want to bring back people being less fussy about food.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Nowadays, milk - the minute, we sniff it
0:12:40 > 0:12:43and decide whether we're going to drink it.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Back in the day, unless it slid out of the bottle...
0:12:48 > 0:12:49If it came out like that
0:12:49 > 0:12:52then it was time to give it to somebody else or not have it.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I watched my da do that with a pint of milk,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I said, "Do you think that milk's off?" And he went...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And I could just see it slide into his mouth.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02And he went, "Yep."
0:13:02 > 0:13:07My missus, she insisted we drink almond milk.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I'm like, "What is this?!"
0:13:09 > 0:13:11There's no boob on an almond.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16What are we drinking here?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18What are we milking?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I want people just to be a little bit less fussy with their dinner.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24You know, we need to bring back the three-second rule. You know?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Obviously it doesn't make any scientific sense,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30you can only believe in the three-second rule,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32AKA, you drop something on the floor
0:13:32 > 0:13:34and after three seconds you'll still eat it.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37If you believe that bacteria can count.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Yeah, but what about a pizza in a puddle?
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- Well, that's a stepping stone! - LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Michael Smiley, what would you bring back?
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Old phrases, like stuff my granny or my ma used to say.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Granny just used to say things like, "What's up?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"Is the skin on your head tight?"
0:14:06 > 0:14:10And, "Hold on till I park my camel and peel this grape."
0:14:10 > 0:14:13You'd only be asking her for a cup of tea, you know what I mean?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15If you're looking for sympathy
0:14:15 > 0:14:18it's in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis".
0:14:20 > 0:14:23She used to love that, that was a big one.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26She used to write it on get-well cards and everything.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Jackie, what are you missing?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34The thing I miss most would be the mobile vans.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Do you remember those?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39They bring round food and sweets.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Like a grocery van?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Yeah, the grocery van.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45When it arrived I was always first out
0:14:45 > 0:14:48before my mother could come out behind me
0:14:48 > 0:14:51and I always had a thing like a...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53A poke.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Like a cone with a marshmallow on top of it,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00and I had that eaten and maybe lifted a jam tart
0:15:00 > 0:15:02and had taken a bite out of it before my mother arrived,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05she'd be saying, "I can't afford all this stuff, get away!"
0:15:05 > 0:15:08But it was like Aladdin's cave at that time
0:15:08 > 0:15:10because we didn't have very much.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- ALL:- Aw!
0:15:12 > 0:15:13It was worse than that.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:16No, that's what I miss.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20The one that used to come around our way, the guy either stole the stuff
0:15:20 > 0:15:22or he brought it from his own house,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25so by the time I grew up, you didn't get all the stuff you wanted,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27you just got bits of stuff,
0:15:27 > 0:15:28like a toilet roll.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30A cigarette.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34We didn't have anything like that in New Zealand but we did have the...
0:15:34 > 0:15:38We had the movie man, a dude who showed up in a van
0:15:38 > 0:15:40with just VHS tapes in the back.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43You'd go into his van and choose a video.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45LAUGHTER
0:15:45 > 0:15:49It sounded disgusting as I was saying it, but...
0:15:49 > 0:15:53In the most remote parts of the West of Ireland, they have mobile banks.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Which is a stroke of genius if you're a criminal
0:15:57 > 0:16:00because you can rob a bank and do a bit of joy riding as well.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Niamh, what would you bring back?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08You know, I'd bring back them wee shops out in the middle of nowhere,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12not even a village, there was just a turn to the right.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16I thought it was a shop because there was an ice cream sign outside it
0:16:16 > 0:16:20but now I think of it, it was just your man's kitchen.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24And the thing is, there was never anyone there buying stuff
0:16:24 > 0:16:27and I used to obviously steal all the sweets, you know,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29you give them 10p and you go to get ten sweets,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31you go, "One, two..."
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Wouldn't you? I would.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39You could be, you could be the most saintly human being alive,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42but if you were being left unattended with a scoop and a bag,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45you're going to rinse them!
0:16:45 > 0:16:46You're going to pillage them
0:16:46 > 0:16:49for every cola cube you can get your hands on.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Yeah, I did a lot of robbery.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Honestly, like, when we were in graveyards...
0:16:55 > 0:16:56JIMEOIN LAUGHS
0:16:57 > 0:17:01That sounds bad, but you know, all the graves had wee pebbles
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- but there were green glass stones. - Yeah.- I thought they were jewels.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I was like, "Jesus Christ!" And I'd go around robbing them all,
0:17:07 > 0:17:11you know, and then I'd go back and put Blu Tack on my doll's house
0:17:11 > 0:17:13and stick the stones, like pebble dash!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Micky, what do you want to bring back?
0:17:16 > 0:17:21I would like to bring back the nit comb. I saw an advert recently
0:17:21 > 0:17:24and wee Johnny came running in and he's scratching his head,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26the mum's like, "Oh, Johnny has head lice.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29"Head lice needn't be embarrassing." And she gave Johnny the shampoo.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31It was like coconut flavour, "no more tears",
0:17:31 > 0:17:33he washed his hair, went outside
0:17:33 > 0:17:35and started rubbing his head on the other kids
0:17:35 > 0:17:37cos he didn't have nits and it wasn't meant to be embarrassing.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39When I was growing up,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Johnny would have been called a dirty wee bastard, right?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Johnny would have been brought out the back of school
0:17:44 > 0:17:47and ridiculed for being a crawler, and that's how he should live.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50The nit comb would come out, you'd go home, scratching your head,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53your mum goes, "What's wrong?" You go, "Nothing," because you knew
0:17:53 > 0:17:56she would unsheathe the nit comb because you're about to get scalped.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57You're just...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59And then your mum would go, "Stop crying! Stop crying!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01"If you leave these in your head,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04"they're going to crawl into your ear and eat your brain."
0:18:07 > 0:18:09My daughter got nits.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13I was in the barber, she's sitting on my lap and the girl says,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16"You got your hair cut?" She goes, "Yes, I had to because I got..."
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I stuck my finger in her mouth so she couldn't say.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I'm going to give that round to Andrew's team!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27APPLAUSE
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Northern Ireland is full of people
0:18:31 > 0:18:34who make it their business to do monumental things,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37but can the teams guess what they are?
0:18:37 > 0:18:42So please welcome tonight's mystery Monumental guest, Padraig Mallon.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44APPLAUSE
0:18:50 > 0:18:52This here is Padraig.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55He's a world record breaker, but what record did he break?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Are you a dancer?- No.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58- You a wrestler?- No.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Porn star?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Cullybackey Hammer, that's what they call you, isn't it?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Our first clue is a newspaper headline.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Is it a sport?- It's a sport, yes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Is it a team event?- It is, yes.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Wouldn't be tug-of-war, would it?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- No.- Darts?- No.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Just do that with your arm. Thanks.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I'll give you another clue.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32220 people got soaked during this record attempt.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Did you build them aeroplanes of cardboard and then you go, "whoosh"?
0:19:37 > 0:19:38No!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Jumping in puddles?- No.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Is it a water fight? Was it water balloons?- No.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Damn you, Poddy. - Is there water involved?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49There is.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Your final clue is
0:19:51 > 0:19:57the team wore 360m of Lycra and Neoprene for this challenge.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Synchronised swimming team.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- No, Jackie, sorry.- Is it like something that's a crossbreed,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04is it swimming chess or something like that?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07MICHAEL: Wild swimming in lakes and stuff like that,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10in rivers as opposed to swimming pools?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11JACKIE: Snorkelling?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- You'd be along the right direction. - Cross-country swimming?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18You have to swim over mountains and stuff.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Remember there's a lot of people involved in the swimming.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22JACKIE: Relay swimming?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Yes, Jackie. - Is it the world's longest swim?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Like, there was one constant...
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Yeah, you've got it, Andrew. - A swimming marathon of some sort.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Jackie and Andrew, well done.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35They are the Camlough Lake swimmers
0:20:35 > 0:20:40who holds the world record for the longest relay swim in open water.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41APPLAUSE
0:20:41 > 0:20:43There they all are down there.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45How long did this swim take?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48It took nine nights and ten days, 24/7.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Nine nights and ten days?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- So you had to swim through the night?- Yeah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Is that what happened? Did anything interesting happen at night-time?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59When the bars closed in Camlough, which there's a good few,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02the people would come up and cheer on the people swimming
0:21:02 > 0:21:04through the middle of the night.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Drunk people cheering on swimmers? - Yeah.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09God, health and safety never takes a night off.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Did you have a torch on your head?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14No, we had a big boat
0:21:14 > 0:21:17with large lights lighting up the water at night-time.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- So you didn't get a moment to yourself?- No.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:23But you wouldn't hear all the cheering,
0:21:23 > 0:21:27it's just, "Wahey"..."Wahey!"
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- Any dolphins? No dolphins? - No dolphins, no.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31MICKY: Any trolleys?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- No.- Well done.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36It's lovely to have you on the show, Padraig, and it's such a shame
0:21:36 > 0:21:40we couldn't fit such a large group of swimmers onto the set.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Ah, stuff it. Let's do it.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Bring on the Camlough Lake swimmers!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48MUSIC: "Children of the Revolution" by T-Rex
0:21:48 > 0:21:51APPLAUSE
0:22:02 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I'm in the Guinness Book Of Records!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16That's how Jim gets into nightclubs.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22We've come to the part of the show where we give one of our panellists
0:22:22 > 0:22:25their well-deserved Monumental status,
0:22:25 > 0:22:26so ladies and gentlemen,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29the one, the only, Jackie Fullerton.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31APPLAUSE
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Take a seat on your giant M.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Oh, I hope there's a commode in this.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Before your TV career took off, you were a successful footballer,
0:22:52 > 0:22:56winning the Irish League playing for Crusaders.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Isn't that awful?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- JIMEOIN:- You look like one of the villains in Thunderbirds.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04And I know an athlete when I see one.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06The thin air at altitude, whether it be here in Albuquerque
0:23:06 > 0:23:09or at the finals themselves in Guadalajara,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11the ball can do weird and wonderful things.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Now, this type of control, juggling with the ball, isn't really a problem
0:23:14 > 0:23:16but the Northern Ireland players have found
0:23:16 > 0:23:18it's the ball played into the chest,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21trying to control the ball on the thigh, or the ball on the instep,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24if the first touch isn't perfect, it can fly away.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Now, Mexico could be...
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I'm breathless!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I could touch a ball, you know, I had a good touch.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- MICHAEL:- We can all touch a ball, Jackie.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I had a good touch, all the keepy-up, all the clever stuff,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43but I hadn't a big heart, didn't like the tackle,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46but no, I loved football, loved football.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I was crap, but I loved it.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53You have influenced the careers of many young broadcasters from here,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55including Eamonn Holmes,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58who was just starting out when you worked together at UTV in the '80s.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02I had recommended him to come into the sports department in UTV
0:24:02 > 0:24:07and my phone kept ringing and I said, "Eamonn, answer that phone,"
0:24:07 > 0:24:09and he got really fed up with this
0:24:09 > 0:24:12and he says, "Hey, hang on a minute, why am I answering your phone?"
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I says, "Just a minute, Eamonn."
0:24:15 > 0:24:19I said, "If people phoned up ITV's World Of Sport,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22"would they get put straight through to Dickie Davies?"
0:24:22 > 0:24:24He said, "No."
0:24:24 > 0:24:28I said, "Well, there you are. Answer the phone."
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- JIMEOIN:- Now you're answering the phone to Eamonn Holmes.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38OK, Jackie, I know you've had a long and successful career in sport,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41but how would you commentate on this moment
0:24:41 > 0:24:43from your TV presenting career?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Here comes the lift now.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It could be painful.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Oh...
0:24:48 > 0:24:51It is... It is painful.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53He's down. Is he out?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55The giant thinks so.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57And he wouldn't lift Fullerton these days.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:02But I liked how professional you were in that.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04You just got slammed to the ground
0:25:04 > 0:25:06and the first thing you did was straighten your tie.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Oh, you've got to look well.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14- Yeah, exactly.- People still say to me, "Was that painful?"
0:25:14 > 0:25:17And I look at them and I say, "Are you serious?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20"Of course it was painful."
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- Did you speak to Haystacks afterwards?- Yeah, I...
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Did he say sorry?
0:25:25 > 0:25:29He said sorry and I says, "Too late, mate."
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I said, "The next time I see you, I'll rip your head off."
0:25:34 > 0:25:36In 2010, you were awarded the MBE
0:25:36 > 0:25:40for your services to sports journalism and the wider community.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42What was getting that award like?
0:25:42 > 0:25:48It was unforgettable, and a real bonus was that it was Her Majesty.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51With all due respect to Prince Charles and so on,
0:25:51 > 0:25:52but to get the Queen
0:25:52 > 0:25:55and look, our hairs are similar as well.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57LAUGHTER
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Managed to sneak my three sons in.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03You're allowed a wife and two guests,
0:26:03 > 0:26:07and I took my wife and I got my three sons in
0:26:07 > 0:26:11and it was a lovely, lovely, quality family time.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Well done on getting all three of them in
0:26:13 > 0:26:16because it would have been brutal on that third one if he didn't get in.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Yeah, how do you tell one? - Which two do you love the most?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Well, before you say any more, Jackie,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24we've got some breaking news.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Sky News Sunrise, first for breaking news, and this just in.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30It's been reported from Belfast that veteran broadcaster
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Jackie Fullerton is receiving Monumental status.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37From all of us here on Sunrise, well done, Jakey.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41It couldn't have happened to a nicer and more talented man,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Charlotte, I can tell you that.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45We'll be back with more of the world's top stories
0:26:45 > 0:26:48after this short break. Don't go away.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Aw, that's nice. Wasn't he the one that taught you everything you know?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57- No. That was Peter Morrow.- Was he the one that was at your wedding?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Really good-looking, and what a crooner.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01- Did he chat you up?- No.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Well, then, you definitely didn't meet him.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Oh, well, he looks really nice. He can't be that cocky.
0:27:08 > 0:27:13- No, believe me, he is that cocky. He is, definitely.- Oh, I remember.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15He was the one that you said when you were starting out,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18he used to make you answer his phone
0:27:18 > 0:27:21and you said he was a real...
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Cult. Cult, is what I said. That's how I described him.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29He was the Dickie Davies of Northern Ireland, really. Ssh.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Welcome back, Sky News Sunrise,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36and now the weather, for this monumentous day ahead.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Listening to that stuff there, there is an old saying over here, Jarred.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Jealousy is as deep as the grave.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Was that just a death threat to Eamonn Holmes?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Ladies and gentlemen, the voice, the hair, the legend,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Jackie Fullerton, you truly are monumental.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- Thank you.- That is for you, good sir. - Thank you very much indeed.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21OK, there's just time to give you tonight's winners, and they are...
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Andrew's team!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:31So it's thanks to Jimeoin, Michael Smiley and Niamh Marron,
0:28:31 > 0:28:36Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett and the fantastic Jackie Fullerton.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE
0:28:38 > 0:28:40I've been Jarred Christmas,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43and you lovely people of Northern Ireland have been truly monumental.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Good night.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47APPLAUSE
0:28:47 > 0:28:49MUSIC: "Kung Fu" by Ash
0:28:51 > 0:28:53# I think it's strange He's friends with Fu Manchu
0:28:53 > 0:28:56# And he thinks he knows you Uh uh uh uh uh oh
0:28:56 > 0:28:59# Oh, Daniel San, made in Taiwan
0:28:59 > 0:29:01# Come on, Jackie Chan
0:29:01 > 0:29:02# Uh uh uh uh uh oh
0:29:02 > 0:29:04# I think it's strange He's friends with Fu Manchu
0:29:04 > 0:29:07# And he's in love with you Uh uh uh uh uh oh
0:29:07 > 0:29:10# Oh, Daniel San, made in Taiwan
0:29:10 > 0:29:11# Come on, Jackie Chan
0:29:11 > 0:29:13# Uh uh uh uh oh. #