0:00:19 > 0:00:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:20 > 0:00:22On tonight's show, it's Jimeoin,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Michael Smiley
0:00:24 > 0:00:27and the writer and comedian Nuala McKeever.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30On the other team, Andrew Maxwell,
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Micky Bartlett
0:00:31 > 0:00:35and our Monumental guest is May McFettridge's alter ego,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37John Linehan.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Please welcome your host, it's Jarred Christmas!
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Hello, and welcome to Monumental,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44the comedy panel show that pays tribute
0:00:44 > 0:00:47to all that's great and good in the great and good country
0:00:47 > 0:00:48of Northern Ireland.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I'm not from round here,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54but I know enough to know that Northern Ireland is not Brazil.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56It is Northern Ireland.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:01:01And my job is to be an independent observer on this show
0:01:01 > 0:01:04and find out what is monumental about this place.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08And I've already found out something that's incredibly monumental-
0:01:08 > 0:01:10the Ulster fry - mmm!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- CHEERING - Exactly.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15But I'm talking your proper Ulster fry,
0:01:15 > 0:01:17not your fancy grilled stuff.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20"Ooh, look at our Ulster fry, it's organic.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23"The eggs have been laid on velvet."
0:01:24 > 0:01:28It's got to be the scummiest of the scum, the cheapest of the cheap.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31If that sausage isn't made out of pig lips, hooves and arseholes,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I don't want to eat it!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36If those eggs haven't been laid by a chicken
0:01:36 > 0:01:39caged in barbed wire and poked with a stick,
0:01:39 > 0:01:40I don't want to eat it!
0:01:40 > 0:01:44And when I eat it, if my left arm does not go completely numb,
0:01:44 > 0:01:45I don't want to eat it!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Another thing that I love is the vegetable roll
0:01:49 > 0:01:53that has no vegetables in it whatsoever.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Well done, Northern Ireland, it's all meat.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02You have named that roll after something that it isn't.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06That's like calling gay-hating Russia "Gok Wanistan".
0:02:07 > 0:02:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:14No wonder the portable defibrillator was invented here.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18And of course it's portable - they just bring it to the table.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20"He's the Ulster fry! Clear!"
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Boof!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"Would you like dessert?"
0:02:24 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Enough of that. We call this round Wish They Were One Of Us.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Each team has to suggest someone that they think would make
0:02:35 > 0:02:37a good addition to Northern Ireland.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40John, who do you want to nominate to be Northern Irish?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Statler and Waldorf.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- The Muppets?- Two Muppets.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52How many times have you heard that in Belfast or anywhere
0:02:52 > 0:02:55in Northern Ireland, "Look at those two muppets"?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59My dad used to do this thing in restaurants when we were kids
0:02:59 > 0:03:01if we were given really bad service.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05He'd call the waiter over and he'd say, "Can I speak to Kermit?"
0:03:05 > 0:03:08The guy would be like, "I don't know, Kermit doesn't work there."
0:03:08 > 0:03:12And he goes, "Then who's running this muppet show?!"
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Me and my brother would be like...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Good times.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Jimeoin, who's your choice?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I'd like to see the 6 Million Man.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Cos you'd get him second-hand.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27We could probably pick him up for a bargain.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30"Did you just buy the 6 Million Man?"
0:03:30 > 0:03:32"Yes, but that's not what I paid for him."
0:03:32 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:37"How much?" "£7.50."
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Bargain.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42They would have got him second-hand parts.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It would be like here. John, you used to be a mechanic,
0:03:44 > 0:03:45- didn't you?- Yes.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48You know what it's like when something goes wrong with your car
0:03:48 > 0:03:50and you go to someone called John or Ken or Bill,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52you never go to a proper garage,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54and he always says, "I'll get you that part second-hand."
0:03:54 > 0:03:56"Does it work, is it safe?"
0:03:56 > 0:03:58"Oh, aye, it just means when you sound the horn
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"the windscreen wipers'll go, but it's perfectly safe."
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Imagine the 6 Million Man here -
0:04:02 > 0:04:04every time he sneezed his arm would go up.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Achoo! Achoo!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Andrew, who would you claim for this fine country?
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Johnny Rotten.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14He's middle-aged, he's drunk, he's got bad hair,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16and he loves singing God Save The Queen.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Can't be easy being a middle-aged punk,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24with your mohican, as you get older and balder.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29You have the choice of combing the mohican over...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Mohover!- Mohover!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It starts to get limp.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I've heard that, I've heard that.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I've heard it.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Johnny Rotten would be terrible here because nobody would be able to talk
0:04:43 > 0:04:46about his band, because everyone's really prudish in Northern Ireland.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49He'd be in the band called The ...x Pistols.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Pistols has been decommissioned, as well.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Nuala, what's your choice?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02The Beatles, because if they had come from here,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05everybody would know how we speak and they'd all love it.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Their songs would be, you know,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10# I want to hold your hand, so I do. #
0:05:11 > 0:05:14# She loves you, yeah, yeah, I swear to God, like. #
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Or, one of my favourites would be,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20# You say goodbye, and here be's me. #
0:05:21 > 0:05:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I like the "here's me" face,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Our little girl at home used it to do that, she'd tell anecdotes,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33but she wouldn't say anything, she wouldn't say what she said -
0:05:33 > 0:05:34"He says... Here's me!"
0:05:34 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:38"Here's him!"
0:05:39 > 0:05:42That was her telling the story, and here's me.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Micky, what do you want? - The Virgin Mary.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Just to see if it would change the Bible.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Because in the Bible when Mary finds out
0:05:55 > 0:05:57she's going to have God's baby, the angel comes down and says,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59"You're going to have God's baby,"
0:05:59 > 0:06:01and she goes, "Brilliant," and that's it.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02That's all you really hear about it.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Whereas if it was set here, she wouldn't believe him,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07she'd probably have gone and got a pregnancy test,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09which was very different back then.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12If a lady got a pregnancy test 2,000 years ago it was different.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14You peed on a stick, and then you waited nine months,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16and if you didn't have a baby...
0:06:16 > 0:06:18LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:26There are loads of statues of the Virgin Mary around, though.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29There's loads of them all over Ireland. She's got two moves.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31She's got this one - "Aaaah."
0:06:31 > 0:06:33That's pretty standard, she's praying, that's standard.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36That's fairly normal. And then she has got this one -
0:06:36 > 0:06:37"Aaaaah."
0:06:37 > 0:06:41And I think that looks like the Jewish mother she was.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45NEW YORK ACCENT: "Oh, 33 years old, and he's still not married."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"Oi! He's hanging around with fishermen,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"he could have been a doctor."
0:06:51 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:06:58OK and, finally, what about you, Michael Smiley?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Bruce Lee.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Bruce Lee, cos let's be honest, he loves a fight.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06And he wears his trousers a wee bit too short.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Great thing about him, as well, is that he was horny.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15You know, Bruce Lee loved women of all shapes, sizes,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17denominations, didn't really matter.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Bruce Lee's favourite was a woman
0:07:19 > 0:07:21with a big breast and a small breast.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Haw-haw!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:30A lot of people don't know this, but Bruce Lee was actually
0:07:30 > 0:07:32so horny that he would masturbate like this.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I'm going to award that round to Jimeoin's team!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Now it's time for the round we call Town Challenge,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51and it's all about bigging up your small places.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I'm going to give the panel a series of clues
0:07:53 > 0:07:56and they're going to try and guess which town they apply to.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Jimeoin's team, you guys are up first.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Here's your first clue/fact.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Our very own Stonehenge lies just outside this town.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10That's actually a photo of modern-day Craigavon.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:15If you look at that from an aerial point of view,
0:08:15 > 0:08:16it says "help".
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I went to school right beside that place as a kid growing up,
0:08:23 > 0:08:24so I know the answer.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27All right, your second clue is
0:08:27 > 0:08:30in 2010 this town's council caused an outcry
0:08:30 > 0:08:32with this Christmas tree - have a look.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- MICHAEL:- Look at that - Christmas tree with a Peace Wall round it.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Maybe it's from the house next door and they've just thrown it over the wall.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46It just landed straight, by chance.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- Do you want your final clue?- Yes.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I don't need it. I know where it is. I'm happy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55And your final clue is this town has an English Street,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57an Irish Street,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59and a Scotch Street.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02But it was Paddy the Welshman that made it famous.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05- Draperstown, isn't it?- No!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER
0:09:11 > 0:09:13He's looking at the photos of the stone,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15you thought that was your gym or something from school.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- Is it Downpatrick?- Who?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Downpatrick? - You're absolutely right!
0:09:20 > 0:09:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Well done.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28There's a bunch of stones just outside Draperstown.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30There is a bunch of stones like that everywhere.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32That could have been anywhere.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Andrew's team, here's the first clue in your Town Challenge.- Right.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41A lot of children in this town were educated by an old grey mother.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Old grey mother - does that make any sense to you, John?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Old grey mother...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Was she a young black-haired girl when you knew her, John?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:52 > 0:09:53You're in my team!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Educated by the old grey mother - it's clearly a school
0:09:58 > 0:10:00that's nickname is the old grey mother.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Does that make sense? So where's our famous school?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Your second clue is this.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10This town has a building which looks like something out of Harry Potter.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It's actually the local police station.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15We can say it out loud.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Go on, John.- It's not Draperstown.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28So far we have an idea, but we don't know.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30OK. Do you want the third clue?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Do we get more points if we don't get the clue?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34No.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Give us a clue.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37How would that work, John?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41If we just guessed it before any clues, would we win the entire show?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- You'd win the world. - We're on the same team here.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Like, he said Draperstown first, then went, "No".
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I thought it was going to automatically come over here.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54But no, he gives them two or three digs at it.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57He was halfway round the north of Ireland before...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I had jet lag looking at these two travelling all around.
0:11:10 > 0:11:15Your third and final clue is the fact that a locals have a
0:11:15 > 0:11:19soft spot for this town's biggest sporting legend.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21The ladies here love him.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24And all the men have a man-crush on him.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26He's our hero and he always will be.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- What do you think it is? - Dungannon.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Correct! Well done, Andrew Maxwell.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Yes, that's Dungannon.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40The town's golf course has a hole named after Darren Clarke.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43That's nothing. I've got a whole holiday named after me.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:54I'm going to award that round to both teams, it's a draw!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Time to get all misty-eyed now as we play a round called
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Monumentally Missed.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08I'll ask our teams to name one thing that has disappeared from this
0:12:08 > 0:12:10place that they would like to bring back.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Jimeoin, how about we start with you, big guy?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I'd like to see the Avon lady back.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25My wife was at a party, girls had a party, it was a lingerie night
0:12:25 > 0:12:30where these bunch of girls get together and they try on lingerie.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- And that's a girl's night out. - Or in.- Blokes just wouldn't do that.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37You wouldn't call up your friend, "Frankie, come round to the house.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39"We're trying on underpants tonight.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44"Seamus and Barry are already here.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"Turn round, let me see the back of them."
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"That string vest looks wonderful on you.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55"The way the hair comes poking out through the holes."
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"Oh, I love those new thermals,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00"especially with the trap door as well, they look great."
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Men start at onesies. You know the old cowboys, they had the gear
0:13:03 > 0:13:07right the whole way down? That's the new onesie.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Have you ever tried to get out of a onesie by zipping it down a bit
0:13:11 > 0:13:13and then taking your legs out before your arms?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18That's like a private version of Twister.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20The limbs go everywhere.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I once answered the door in a onesie to the TV licence man.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26And I was smoking with a onesie on.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29He'd never seen one before and he went, "Um...
0:13:30 > 0:13:32"Is your daddy home?"
0:13:32 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Andrew, you're up next. What do you want to bring back?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Why Don't You?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45It was a TV show that would be on during the summer holidays
0:13:45 > 0:13:47where they get a load of Northern Irish kids and get them
0:13:47 > 0:13:52to make things out of toilet rolls and inventing games.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55And it was the only time that you would hear a Northern Irish accent
0:13:55 > 0:13:59on British TV outside of the news.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05HIGH-PITCHED: We made robots out of toilet rolls.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06We've got a clip,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09so anyone who doesn't know it can get educated now.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12# Why don't you
0:14:12 > 0:14:15# Switch off your TV
0:14:15 > 0:14:18# And do something less boring instead? #
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Well, as you can, the Belfast gang haven't quite finished
0:14:22 > 0:14:23decorating this place yet.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25But there's stacks of things to get on with anyway.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27And it'll be great craic.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38They don't spell craic the proper...C-R-A-I-C.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39It looks like the other crack.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43C-R-A-C-K.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46A great crack is like somebody with a big...
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Nuala, it's your turn. - Bring back bad roads.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57When we were kids, we didn't have Disneyland and Alton Towers,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59but you didn't need them.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Cos all you did on a Sunday, your dad would pile you all into
0:15:01 > 0:15:09the car, up to 35mph top speed, set off and went like this...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15He's say, "Who wants to go on the rollercoaster?"
0:15:15 > 0:15:20You'd be like, "No, it's OK. "We'll have to go home again."
0:15:20 > 0:15:23My friend's mother used to go out of her way to take us round roundabouts
0:15:23 > 0:15:26and we'd kneel up in the back seat falling all over the place.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29We didn't need to steal a car to be thrilled in our day,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31we just had to accept a lift in one.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36If you want to relive crap roads, the border's only 60 miles away.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40John.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42What do you want to bring back, mate?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I want to bring back the lemonade man.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- The lemonade man?- Yeah.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Aye, the lemonade man was great. - Brilliant.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51We never had the money to get a bottle of lemonade cos it was
0:15:51 > 0:15:565d, which was about 2p in money now.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57We had nothing!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- Nothing.- You want to bring back having nothing?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:07See where I used to live, there was a wee shop,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Nellie Pollocks, I think she was.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Nellie used to give you a wee half a glass,
0:16:12 > 0:16:16like a shot glass of lemonade, for a penny.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19You know the wee cowboy hat? And sat down like you're a cowboy.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Shot down.
0:16:21 > 0:16:26And you go out and you go down the road, slapping the arse of yourself.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30You used to get pigeon's feathers and stick them on, if you were
0:16:30 > 0:16:34an Indian or whatever. But having the money for a hat, we had nothing.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Michael.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44He says, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cowboy." He says,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47"How long has this been going on for?" He says, "About a yee-ha!"
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Michael Smiley, what do you want to bring back?
0:16:55 > 0:16:56The Brits.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Come on, let's be honest. When they were over here, we were especially indifferent,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09you know what I mean? It was like being in a film.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13You walk down the street, there they were in their lovely little camouflage,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15standing in front of a brick wall. LAUGHTER
0:17:18 > 0:17:21They never thought that one through, did they?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23They should've had like... Country Brit outfit,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25and City Brit, do you know what I mean?
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Should have been City Brit with just pebble dash, standing there...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32And they're all walking backwards.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Also, they brought multiculturalism to Northern Ireland as well.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Because the first time I ever saw a black man was a soldier.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44You know, you'd never seen black people over here
0:17:44 > 0:17:48unless they were soldiers. And then, years later, I moved to London,
0:17:48 > 0:17:52I moved to Brixton, and I thought, "There's loads of Brits over here."
0:17:52 > 0:17:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:56 > 0:18:00OK, and, Micky, what would you like to see again?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03The proper Northern Irish grandmother. I seen...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I seen a woman the other day, and she was talking to someone,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09she went, "Do you believe I'm a granny?" And she had velour tracksuit bottoms on
0:18:09 > 0:18:11with the word "Juicy" across her arse.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER That's why there is war in the world.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Because people aren't afraid of their grandmothers.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I was terrified of my grandmother.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24My granny was the best-looking man in Portadown. LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Just... Just a big, massive... "I love you, son."
0:18:29 > 0:18:32She was huge. Like, the only time my granny ever hugged you
0:18:32 > 0:18:37was if she needed to wipe her nose on something. LAUGHTER
0:18:37 > 0:18:40My granny had boobies too. My granny had proper boobies, proper granny boobies.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Clean-the-house boobies. Remember them? You'd walk down the stairs,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46your granny would lift the sofa and go, "That'll do that..."
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Flicking off 50p and a toddler.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Bring it back, I say.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56I'm going to give that round to Andrew's team!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:18:59 > 0:19:01We call this round Mystery Monumental,
0:19:01 > 0:19:07so please welcome tonight's Mystery Monumental guest - Adrian Leonard!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09# Mr Big Stuff
0:19:09 > 0:19:13# Who do you think you are? #
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Now, this handsome chap is a Guinness World Record breaker,
0:19:20 > 0:19:24but what record does he look like he might have broken?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Being posh in a built-up area.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:31No.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I don't know what he's done, but I know what I'd quite like him to do.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I'm going to give you your first clue.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42His achievement involves seven faces,
0:19:42 > 0:19:47one wheel and all 400m of the Mary Peters Track.
0:19:47 > 0:19:52He's a unicyclist with Snow White.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Yeah, you're on the money, halfway there.- Unicyclist?- Yes.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Do you want to give them another clue, mate?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02But the challenge that I've done involves brain freeze
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- and a numb bum.- Right. Are you the only man in the world
0:20:06 > 0:20:09who's ever successfully done a wheelie on a cycle?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12LAUGHTER
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Er, no.- And your third clue is this headline...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21He did something intellectual on a unicycle.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- Do you do a Rubik's Cube on a unicycle?- Yes, he does! - APPLAUSE
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- Very well done!- Wow!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Adrian holds the world record
0:20:35 > 0:20:40for the most Rubik's Cubes solved while on a unicycle.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:48- So what's the record? - Well, I did 28 in 35 minutes.
0:20:48 > 0:20:4928 Rubik's Cubes.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53So you finished one and then threw it away, and somebody threw you another one?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- Yeah, they had scrambled one ready to...?- How many?- 28?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- In how long?- 35 minutes.- Wow.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02APPLAUSE
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- What do you do in real life? - I'm a long-haul airline pilot.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- Are you indeed?- Yeah.- It's just getting better by the minute.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- Hold it back, hold it back! - That this is a terrifying thought.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"We're about to land. Hang on, hang on."
0:21:19 > 0:21:20LAUGHTER
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Jimeoin, your team lost there,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26so we need a volunteer from your team to do the challenge.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- I nominate Smiley.- Good delegation of power there, mate.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31So here's the deal.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Adrian will do a lap of the studio on a unicycle
0:21:35 > 0:21:39and complete a Rubik's Cube. Here's your helmet.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43There's a Rubik's Cube in there, so take it out before you put it on.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:51OK, and, Michael Smiley, you have to try and beat him
0:21:51 > 0:21:54by just standing in one spot and completing your Rubik's Cube.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58You'd better put this helmet on too, just so you don't hurt yourself.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01APPLAUSE
0:22:01 > 0:22:03The Rubik's Cube's in there, mate.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06You think YOU look stupid?! LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I just look like I've just come out of a coma. LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Stand by, here we go.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27On you marquees, get your car keys, go!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30CHEERING
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Can anybody do these?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38APPLAUSE Somebody...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Shite, he's coming back.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Make sure you do more than just the orange side.- Shut your mouth!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Yeah, I've done it.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Give it up for the fantastic Adrian!
0:23:06 > 0:23:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:13 > 0:23:15We're near the end of the show
0:23:15 > 0:23:17but before we reveal tonight's winners,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19it's time to pay tribute to our special guest.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23He's been voted the country's favourite entertainer.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26He's spent decades raising thousands of pounds for charities
0:23:26 > 0:23:30and is a close associate of the panto queen of Northern Ireland,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32May McFettridge.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Tonight, we bestow Monumental status
0:23:34 > 0:23:36on the one, the only
0:23:36 > 0:23:38John Linehan.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Your alter ego is May McFettridge,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57which I understand began as a joke when Eamonn Holmes
0:23:57 > 0:23:59was a presenter on Downtown Radio
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Correct. He said, "John, I ring you in the house
0:24:02 > 0:24:05"and you just put up for four or five minutes live."
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I was a motor mechanic at this stage.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11I says, "What would I say for four or five minutes?"
0:24:11 > 0:24:14And I nearly didn't do it.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16But, thank God, I did that day,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20and Eamonn said,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"You're some wee woman from North Belfast and your name is May.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25"And your second name..."
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I went, "Pardon?"
0:24:28 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Since I didn't think we were going to be talking that long
0:24:32 > 0:24:33we would get into second names.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I had a copy of the Irish News
0:24:37 > 0:24:41and McFettridge playing for the Antrim hurling side...
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Antrim had a great hurling side in the late '80s,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48and the headline was "McFettridge Has A Blinder".
0:24:48 > 0:24:53I'm on the phone to Eamonn, "Yes, it's May...McFettridge."
0:24:53 > 0:24:55He says, "McFettridge?" I say, "Yeah."
0:24:55 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:24:59He says, "How do you spell it?"
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I go, "M-C-F-E...."
0:25:01 > 0:25:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:06 > 0:25:09To a lot of people, you are a fixture of their Christmas.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14At this point, you have starred in 24 consecutive Christmas pantos
0:25:14 > 0:25:17at Belfast's Grande Opera House.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18LAUGHTER
0:25:18 > 0:25:21You'll need telling yourself, love.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25I'm talking to her, not you,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27you eejit.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30You down the front row with the grey hair.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Have you any children? Five?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Must be a Catholic.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:43May is renowned for ripping into the audience,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45and they clearly love it.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Do you have any of your favourite put-downs you can bring us tonight?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51There is somebody finishes a joke,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53"You crack all the jokes you want, they are paying me."
0:25:53 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:56"Pick a window, you're leaving."
0:25:56 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Or if it is a guy and he is with
0:26:01 > 0:26:04female company, "You fancy me, don't you?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05"That's why you're shouting, love.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"Is that any wonder? Look at the dog you are sitting with."
0:26:08 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER
0:26:10 > 0:26:12That normally goes down a treat.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:17My best heckle, we were playing a gig and playing in complete silence,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19you won't know what that's like,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22complete silence for about five minutes and then a guy shouted out,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"You have ruined my birthday!"
0:26:25 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:30 > 0:26:34When you're not making people laugh, you are raising loads of money for charity
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Which one's John?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:40And in 2007,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43you were awarded, for your efforts, with an MBE.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Did you get to meet any of the Royals?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53The Queen.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I had already met Duke.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00We were doing the Downtown Radio John Daly Show,
0:27:00 > 0:27:01motor show at the King's Hall,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04and the Duke was coming in,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06through a small back door.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07As he came through the door, I went
0:27:07 > 0:27:11"Hello, son, how are you? I'm sure you're starving, have you had anything to eat yet?"
0:27:11 > 0:27:13LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:17With that, this guy behind pulled out an Uzi sub-machine gun.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I went, "No!"
0:27:20 > 0:27:22A police said, "That's OK."
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I was going to get cut in two just because I said hello to Phil the Greek.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:34You have done it all,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37and we will leave the final words to an old
0:27:37 > 0:27:39showbiz buddy of yours.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Hiya, John. Congratulations On getting Monumental status.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46You'll be dragged through the streets of Belfast now.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50You are voted the most popular entertainer in Northern Ireland,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52you got an MBE for your charity work
0:27:52 > 0:27:55and you have appeared in well over 1,000 panto performances.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57You deserve a good night.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Have one for me and I'll see you soon.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Take it easy and congratulations. All the best, John!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:10John Linehan,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13you are truly Monumental!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Before we go, the scores are in, and tonight's winners are...
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Andrew's team!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Thanks to Jimeoin, Michael Smiley
0:28:33 > 0:28:35and Nuala McKeever.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Andrew Maxwell, Micky Bartlett
0:28:37 > 0:28:39and the fantastically Monumental
0:28:39 > 0:28:40John Linehan!
0:28:40 > 0:28:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:45I've been Jarred Christmas, and you lovely people of Northern Ireland
0:28:45 > 0:28:48have been truly Monumental.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Good night.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE