0:00:14 > 0:00:16APPLAUSE
0:00:19 > 0:00:23And the best bits of Monumental tonight...
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Christine Bleakley,
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Peter Dickson,
0:00:26 > 0:00:27John Linehan,
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Nuala McKeever,
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Dana,
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Shane Todd,
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hugo Duncan,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35me, Kathy Clugston,
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Jackie Fullerton,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Niamh Marron,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Gerry Armstrong
0:00:40 > 0:00:41and Bronagh Waugh.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Please welcome your host, Jarred Christmas!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Hello and welcome to Monumental,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48the show about Northern Ireland,
0:00:48 > 0:00:50hosted by a Kiwi.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53My job is to be an independent observer on this show
0:00:53 > 0:00:56and find out what is monumental about this place.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58When I arrived in your beautiful country,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I saw something that threw me completely.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02At Belfast International Airport, there was
0:01:02 > 0:01:05a Northern Ireland Tourism poster
0:01:05 > 0:01:08saying, "Good times are a stone's throw away."
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I don't think that slogan's doing you any favours.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16You might as well say, "Belfast - it's a riot."
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Another thing that I love is the vegetable roll,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24that has no vegetables in it whatsoever.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Well done, Northern Ireland - it's all meat.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33You have named that roll after something that it isn't.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36That's like calling gay-hating Russia
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Gokwanistan.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42And to speak Northern Irish, it's to speak a bit like a pirate,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44but only on the Rs.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Luckily, I love speaking like a pirate, so I love your accent.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Can I have a pint of Harrrrrrp?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53You've got to make sure it's an old school pirate,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55not a Somali pirate.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- IN A SOMALI ACCENT: - I want a pint of Harp,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59and a million dollars.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05No wonder the portable defibrillator was invented here.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09And of course it's portable - they just bring it to the table.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12"He's had the Ulster Fry - clear!"
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Booop - BOOOMPH!
0:02:14 > 0:02:15"Would you like dessert?"
0:02:21 > 0:02:24This round is called Wish They Were One Of Us.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27It's a chance for our teams to pick someone from anywhere
0:02:27 > 0:02:30around the world and make them Northern Irish.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Jimeoin, let's start with you.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Who would you like to be Northern Irish?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35The Pope.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41The Pope, cos he's got a cracking sovereign ring...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45..he drives around in a bulletproof car
0:02:45 > 0:02:48and he's called Frankie, but that's not his real name.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- CHRISTINE:- That's brilliant!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53APPLAUSE
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It'd be great if he drove around in the Popemobile
0:02:57 > 0:02:59and the hand of God just came down and picked it up
0:02:59 > 0:03:02and shook it, like a snow dome, just...
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I love the idea that he thinks he's getting into a car that's
0:03:06 > 0:03:09really groovy - like, it's glass, it's bulletproof,
0:03:09 > 0:03:10but he has to stand up in it.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13If he has to sell it second-hand, he's got to tell them it's a
0:03:13 > 0:03:16bit of a pig around corners, you know what I mean?
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Remember the last pope, Pope Benedict?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21There was all that controversy about him being in the Hitler Youth.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24If he was Northern Irish, when he got ordained, it would've
0:03:24 > 0:03:27been cracking, cos he'd have walked out to the Vatican and went...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"I'm only joking ye!"
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Andrew, who do you fancy?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Just to show Edwin Poots...
0:03:42 > 0:03:45..that two creatures who clearly the same gender
0:03:45 > 0:03:48can sleep in the same bed together and the world won't end.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Know what I mean?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I was on a bus in London
0:03:58 > 0:04:01and there were two really drunk kids in hoodies sitting in front of me,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03having a beautiful, drunken conversation.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06One of them turned around to the other and went,
0:04:06 > 0:04:10"Here, you know Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are gay?"
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And the other one turned around and went, "How can they be gay?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17"One of them's an orange and the other one's a banana."
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Did anybody else notice that?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29What about you, Michael Smiley?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Bruce Lee.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Bruce Lee, cos let's be honest, he loves a fight.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37And he wears his trousers a wee bit too short.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Great thing about him as well was that he was horny.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Bruce Lee loved women of all shapes, sizes,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47denominations - didn't really matter.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52Bruce Lee, his favourite was a woman with a big breast and a small breast.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53"Ho-ho."
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Cathy, your go.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Mary Berry, from the Great British Bake Off.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03AUDIENCE MURMURS IN AGREEMENT Yes.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05She has that look about her, doesn't she?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07She'd fit in quite well with the North Downs set, I think.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Her wee satin bomber jacket. - Absolutely.- Wee blonde bob.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Very much Helen's Bay...- Very.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17You won't know this about Belfast and Northern Ireland,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20because you're from all the way in New Zealand,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22but there's a lot of very nice people here.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24It's not all scumbags, you know.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28All the way through the Troubles,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30while half people were blowing up the city centre,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33the other half of Belfast were out sailing in the bay.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Bronagh, who would you make Northern Irish?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I'd like to make Christian Grey from 50 Shades Of Grey Northern Irish.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45AUDIENCE OOHS AND WHISTLES
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I don't know if you know, but the guy who played my husband in
0:05:48 > 0:05:52The Fall, Jamie Dornan, he's playing Christian Grey in 50 Shades Of Grey
0:05:52 > 0:05:54and I imagine he's doing an American accent,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57but I think it would be funny if he did it Northern Irish, like...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59"Horse it into ya, Anastasia.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03"See you? Do you know what I'm going to do to you, wee doll?"
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Also, everything we say sounds a bit aggressive as well.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Northern Irish accents do sound a bit aggressive, so in 50 Shades Of Grey,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14there's handcuffs and silver jiggley balls and blindfolds and stuff.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18I think if someone who was Northern Irish went, "I'm going to blindfold
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"you and handcuff you to the bed", you'd absolutely shite yourself.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Mickey, your turn.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I'd like to have Colonel Sanders from KFC.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32He's quite Northern Irish, in a way, because he's a Colonel,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34but no-one's really sure what army he was in.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Chicky ar la.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Dana liked that one.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Our chicken will come.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:06:58That was fowl.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00That was fowl!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Yay!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Now it's time for the round we call Town Challenge
0:07:10 > 0:07:13and it's all about bigging up your small places.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I'm going to give the panel a series of clues
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and they're going to try and guess which town they apply to.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24A creamery named after the town produces no less
0:07:24 > 0:07:28than 22 varieties of cheese.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Ooh..could you narrow it down a bit?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32- Spelga.- Golden Cow.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Augnacrackerbarrel?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39It doesn't matter what knife you use for cutting cheese,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42it always goes through the cheese at the same speed.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43You get...
0:07:44 > 0:07:45..the smallest knife...
0:07:47 > 0:07:50..you put the least amount of pressure on it, it does that.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56You get... You could drop a machete on a block of cheese,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58as soon as it hits, you go...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Guillotine...
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Great way of getting out of a guillotine,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07just hide a block of cheese.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Van Morrison wrote the following song about an island in the town.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15# Drove through Shrigley taking pictures
0:08:15 > 0:08:17# And on to Killyleagh... #
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Oh, I love that song.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21# Stopping for Sunday papers at the Lecale District.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Love that song, I love it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Do you like it, Christine? - One of my favourites.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I like it when he says "I look at the side of your face."
0:08:28 > 0:08:29That's right.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32There's not that many songs sung in a Northern Irish accent, is there?
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Aye, there is.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35# Armoured cars and tanks and guns
0:08:35 > 0:08:36# Came to take away our sons
0:08:36 > 0:08:38# Every man must stand behind
0:08:38 > 0:08:40# The men behind the wire... #
0:08:41 > 0:08:43And it's a beautiful song to make love to.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46- You keep at that pace...- Oh!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53But also, the Northern Irish songs
0:08:53 > 0:08:55couldn't be done in, like, a lounge style.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57CHEESILY: # Armoured cars and tanks and guns
0:08:57 > 0:08:59# Came to take away our sons
0:08:59 > 0:09:02# But every man will stand behind
0:09:02 > 0:09:04# The men behind the wire, yeah!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- # Boo-ba-doo-bop! - Jazz, jazz!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10# We're up to our knees in Fenian blood
0:09:10 > 0:09:12# Kick the Pope or die
0:09:12 > 0:09:15# We are the Billy, Billy boys - ha-ha! #
0:09:15 > 0:09:17APPLAUSE
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Our very own Stonehenge lies just outside this town.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26That's actually a photo of modern-day Craigavon.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32See if you look at that from an aerial point of view,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34it says, "Help."
0:09:36 > 0:09:42Every June, this town hosts an international walking festival.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Oh, yeah - after trekking over fields and mountains,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48the festival ends with the blister ball.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51What sort of walking is it? Power walking?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- I guess it's festive walking. - I do love power walking.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57The first time I saw power walking, a woman doing it, I thought,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"Man, she's raging."
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- "Someone's going to get a right bollocking."- What is it...?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06But what is it about anywhere in Ireland,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09when Irish women get to a certain age and then they have an overwhelming
0:10:09 > 0:10:13desire to put on a fleece and walk against traffic after dinner.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You se it all over Ireland - about seven or eight in the evening,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19thousands of Irish mammies in fleeces, walking against...
0:10:19 > 0:10:23There are some places in rural Ireland where's no path or anything.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25They're going up against articulated lorries,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27this grim determination in their eyes -
0:10:27 > 0:10:30"If I make it home alive, I can have a slice of cheesecake."
0:10:33 > 0:10:38This town lends its name to a brand of whiskey, a brand of cheese
0:10:38 > 0:10:42and a brand of wine - the holy trinity of a good night in.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Coleraine's got whiskey, Coleraine's got cheese...
0:10:45 > 0:10:46- Coleraine?- Coleraine.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Well done, the answer is Coleraine!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55That was Coleraine, the town of firearms and...
0:10:55 > 0:11:00'Scuse me - he should not, and they should not, have got that question,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03because he is from that part of the world.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05So he would know the answer.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I'm from Portstewart, which is four miles away,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10and I've never been to Coleraine in my life.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Ballymena, let's say Ballymena. - Ballymena.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15No. What about you guys?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Christine?- Well... - You do it, you go.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- No, no...- You tell me...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- Ballymoney.- Ballymoney, it is.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25There you go!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30You guys just put "Bally" in front of things that you want -
0:11:30 > 0:11:31"Ballymoney, Ballycastle...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Bally-clava.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:41When you get the bally-clava, you get the bally-money.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44CHRISTINE LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:11:47 > 0:11:50In this round, I want our teams to tell us about something
0:11:50 > 0:11:53that has disappeared from life in Northern Ireland -
0:11:53 > 0:11:55anything that remind you about the good old times that
0:11:55 > 0:11:57you'd like to bring back.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59OK, Hugo, what are you going to nominate?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I miss the key being left in the front door
0:12:02 > 0:12:05and people being able to walk in and out of people's homes.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09And I'd just be sitting around...
0:12:09 > 0:12:12You can even go and put on the kettle.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- Really?- Yeah, just walk in and somebody says, "Ach, it's yourself."
0:12:16 > 0:12:18"Yeah, it's my house, mate."
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Do any of you guys remember keys being left in the door?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25He's winding you up.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28We never had doors, growing up.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Do you ever go to the toilet just to get away from people?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I often carry two drinks just to get away from people.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Like...
0:12:44 > 0:12:47When I go to the toilet I always use the cubicle because
0:12:47 > 0:12:51when you walk in, somebody will know you and he'll stand there going...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Hugo, how you doing?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Now I always go into the cubicle.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Safer. Cleaner.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02And the doors are open, "Ah, it's yourself."
0:13:07 > 0:13:10What about you, Michael Smiley, what would you bring back?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Old phrases like stuff my granny or my ma used to say.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Granny used to say things like, "What's up with you?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18"Is the skin on your head tight?"
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"Hang on till I park my camel and peel this grape."
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I'll only be asking her for a cup of tea.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"If you're looking for sympathy,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31"it's in the dictionary between shit and syphilis."
0:13:35 > 0:13:37She used to love that.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39She used to write it on get well cards and everything.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Andrew, you're up next, what do you want to bring back?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Why Don't You?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49It was TV show that would be on during the summer holidays
0:13:49 > 0:13:52where they would get a load of Northern Irish kids
0:13:52 > 0:13:57and get them to make things out of toilet rolls and inventing games.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01It was the only time that you would hear a Northern Irish accent
0:14:01 > 0:14:04on British TV outside of the news.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: We've made robots out of toilet rolls.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11We've got a clip,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14so anyone who doesn't know it can get educated now.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17# Why don't you
0:14:17 > 0:14:20# Switch off the TV
0:14:20 > 0:14:23# And do something less boring instead. #
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Well, as you can see,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27the Belfast gang having quite finished decorating this place yet,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30but there's stacks of things to get on with anyway.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31And it'll be great craic.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33If I were you I'd stay
0:14:33 > 0:14:35and have a look around.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37They didn't spell craic the proper way - C-R-A-I-C.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39It looked like the other crack.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43C-R-A-C-K.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46A great crack is like somebody with a big...
0:14:46 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Jimeoin, what do you miss most of all?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53I miss wrong numbers.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57We used to get a wrong number, they just don't come up any more.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59You phone up looking for your friend,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02you get this random person, you'll be going, "Is Brian there?"
0:15:02 > 0:15:05And they'd be really concerned going, "No."
0:15:07 > 0:15:09"There's no Brian here."
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Really worried cos you've sort of got them on a technicality too
0:15:13 > 0:15:16cos they probably never thought of checking for a Brian.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19They're probably going through their head, "Maybe there is.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20"Hang on, is there a Brian here?"
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Some guys gets up from the sofa going...
0:15:27 > 0:15:32The big one now is on the landline is getting cold call from accident
0:15:32 > 0:15:37lawyer companies, ambulance chasers, and they'll always start off,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"Hey, our records state that you've had an accident."
0:15:40 > 0:15:45If you reply in any other way than this, you're on their database,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48you will get hounded for weeks on end, this is what I've learnt
0:15:48 > 0:15:51from experience, this is what you've got to do,
0:15:51 > 0:15:52when they start up go,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55"Our records state that you got injured in an accident."
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Your opening line has to be...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"Aye, it was no accident."
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Case closed.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12And, Micky, what would you like to see again?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15The proper Northern Irish grandmother.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I seen a woman the other day, she was talking to someone,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21"Do you believe I'm a granny?" She had velour tracksuit bottoms on
0:16:21 > 0:16:23with the word "Juicy" across her arse.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27That's why there's war in the world
0:16:27 > 0:16:30because people aren't afraid of their grandmothers.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31I was terrified of my granny.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34My granny was the best looking man in Portadown.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Just a big, massive, "I love you, son."
0:16:40 > 0:16:42She was huge.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44The only time my granny ever hugged you was
0:16:44 > 0:16:47if she needed to wipe her nose on something.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52My granny had boobies too. My granny had proper boobies.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Proper granny boobies, clean the house boobies, remember them?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Your granny will lift the sofa and go, "That will do."
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Flicking off 50p and a toddler.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Bring it back, I say.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Shane, what do you want to bring back?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I'll be in favour of bringing back Energy 106 discos.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14They were these underage raves that happened in Ice Bowl.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16The reason I want to bring it back is
0:17:16 > 0:17:18because this thing used to happen which is known as
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Northern Ireland rave face, which is
0:17:20 > 0:17:24when like a man raving in Northern Ireland like he's really
0:17:24 > 0:17:27feeling the tunes and his face contorts in such a way that is only
0:17:27 > 0:17:29seen on the dance floor,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32like I have glowsticks in my hand for the purpose of this...
0:17:36 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Just love the idea that people are getting nostalgic about rave.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I was there at the birth of it. Yous kids didn't know.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50See in years to come, there's going to be an old people's home
0:17:50 > 0:17:52called Done Ravin'.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57And me and about 20 others standing around the sequencer going,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"No, no, no, no, come on, girls..."
0:18:00 > 0:18:04HE MIMICS RAVE MUSIC
0:18:04 > 0:18:08And they'll be somebody's pacemaker...
0:18:08 > 0:18:12HE MIMICS RAVE MUSIC
0:18:12 > 0:18:14"That's a great tune, keep it going. Davey's dead.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"Turn it up.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18"It's what he would have wanted."
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Northern Ireland is full of people
0:18:26 > 0:18:29who make it their business to do monumental things.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32But can the teams guess what they are?
0:18:32 > 0:18:37So please welcome tonight's mystery Monumental guest Padraig Mallon...
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Dineka Maguire,
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Jake and Corin King,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Shane McKeever,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Patrick Houston,
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Adrian Leonard.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48These two brothers are both world beaters,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51but what did they beat the world at?
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Joyriding.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Are you handcuffed when you're doing it?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Cos you look like you're handcuffed now.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04I don't know what he's done, but I know what I'd quite like him to do.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:19:07 > 0:19:09What do you do in real life?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I'm a long-haul airline pilot.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16It's just getting better by the minute!
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Hold it back!
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- You a dancer?- No. - You a wrestler? Porn star?
0:19:21 > 0:19:25...hammer, that's what they call you, isn't it?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- It is wakeboarding?- No.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Is it waterboarding?
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Sheep dipping?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Is it a team event?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- It is, yes.- Wouldn't be tug of war, would it?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- No.- Just do that with your arm. Thanks.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Dineka, why don't you hit them up with a second clue?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Sometimes when I train I wear pyjamas.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Onesie luge.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59It can be done in a group, but I do it alone.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Ah.- It is one-man synchronised swimming?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07The challenge that I've done involves brain freeze
0:20:07 > 0:20:08and a numb bum.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Are you the only man in the world who's ever successfully done
0:20:11 > 0:20:13a wheelie on a unicycle?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Line dancing.- Yup.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Well done, Hugo.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Did you do a Rubik's cube on a unicycle?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Yes.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Dineka is the four times world bog snorkelling champion
0:20:29 > 0:20:34and the fastest person ever in the sport.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37The King brothers are both world beating surf kayakers.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42They are the Camlough Lake swimmers who hold the world record
0:20:42 > 0:20:45for the longest relay swim in open water.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Now, because you guys lost,
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Jimeoin, Patrick is going to shoot an apple off your head, Jimeoin.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Bring on the target.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Good body position.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Ladies and gentlemen, the monumental Patrick Houston.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31You think you look stupid.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I just look like I've just come out of a coma.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51One your markies, get your car keys, go!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Can anybody do these?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Shite, he's coming back.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Oh, he's done it!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09CHEERING
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Bring on the Camlough Lake swimmers.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I'm in the Guinness Book Of Records.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42That's how Jim gets into nightclubs.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48It's time to pay tribute to our special guest.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Ladies and gentlemen, it's Christine Bleakley!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Take a seat on your giant M.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Oh, I hope there's a commode in this.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07My feet won't touch the ground.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10See that?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19It looks like one of them really well dressed baby portraits.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Here you are smiling even though you're from Newtownards.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28That's when I first started in here.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I came wearing that very school uniform,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33as lots of these cameramen here today will remember.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34- Yeah.- Not for that reason...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Here you are on Top Of The Pops in 1977 singing
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Put Some Words Together, and check out who else was on the bill.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57This week's 14 - Bob Marley and the Wailers.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Let's calm things down rather nicely.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Dana's back on Top Of The Pops.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04She's going to Put Some Words Together.
0:24:04 > 0:24:10# High time you put some words together just for me
0:24:10 > 0:24:17# If I hang on till you'll ready I could wait for ever. #
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Did you get to meet Bob Marley? - Well, we did, yeah.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23It's a shock when you go into the Top Of The Pops studio,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- it's so small.- Was it smoky?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27No.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Was Bob nice?- Yeah, he was nice.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Everybody just sitting in make-up and you turn around and,
0:24:33 > 0:24:35"Oh, there's Bob."
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Bob Marley in the make-up chair...
0:24:38 > 0:24:41IMPRESSION: "Just do something with my red eyes, yeah."
0:24:43 > 0:24:46After the World Cup, you had a great homecoming at Watford
0:24:46 > 0:24:48and an even better one in Belfast.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51This is the open-topped bus that took us through the city centre.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54We went to the city hall, fantastic. There were
0:24:54 > 0:24:57hundreds of thousand of fans turned up in the streets of Belfast.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Very happy days, happy times.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Well, it just looked like a flag parade, didn't it?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06And I heard you always put on a show, no matter what.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07# When the clouds began to gather
0:25:07 > 0:25:09# And the thunder it did roar
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- # Barney McShane - Barney McShane
0:25:11 > 0:25:12# Came down the lane
0:25:12 > 0:25:14# Shouting Barney, Barney, you're wet
0:25:14 > 0:25:18# Arrah come in out of the rain, Barney McShane. #
0:25:20 > 0:25:22APPLAUSE
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I kept dancing about the stage, and the more
0:25:25 > 0:25:29I danced about the stage, the stage kept going down into the ground.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I started to sink. It was soaking.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34We survived, but you wouldn't get doing it nowadays,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36because health and safety would say, "Stop."
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Crazy, crazy, health and safety -
0:25:38 > 0:25:41not allowing people to have electricity in a rainstorm.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44LAUGHTER
0:25:44 > 0:25:48In 2007, you were awarded for your efforts with an MBE.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50APPLAUSE
0:25:55 > 0:26:00I'd already met the Duke up at the motor show at the King's Hall.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03And the Duke was coming into a small back door.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06So as he come through the door, I went,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09"Hello, son. I'm sure you're starving.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11"Have you had anything to eat yet?!"
0:26:13 > 0:26:17And with that, this guy behind him pulled out and Uzi sub-machine gun.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I'm going, "No! No!"
0:26:19 > 0:26:21And the police said, "No, that's OK."
0:26:21 > 0:26:24I was going to get cut in two, just cos I said hello to Phil the Greek.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:26 > 0:26:29How would you commentate on this moment
0:26:29 > 0:26:31from your TV-presenting career?
0:26:31 > 0:26:36Here comes the lift now... It could be painful!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39It is painful!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41He's down - is he out?
0:26:41 > 0:26:42The Giant thinks so.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45He wouldn't lift Fullerton these days!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I liked how professional you were in that.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51You just got slammed to the ground
0:26:51 > 0:26:54and the first thing you did was straighten your tie.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- You've got to look well.- Exactly!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Did he say sorry?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01He said sorry and I says, "Too late, mate."
0:27:03 > 0:27:06I said, "The next time is see you, I'll rip your head off."
0:27:07 > 0:27:10So what does Frank Lampard think of...?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Newtownards? He likes it very much.- Does he?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I can guess where this might be going.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Where did you take him the first time he went to Newtownards?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22The Poundland shop in...
0:27:24 > 0:27:25..in Newtownards Shopping Centre.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Look, you have got to keep it real, do know what I mean?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30I hear you, sister.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32We went to the Poundland shop, yeah.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Oh, my goodness me.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37What did you buy in there, Christine?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Erm, sweets.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Batteries for a radio phone thing...
0:27:41 > 0:27:43and bleach.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45LAUGHTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:47What are you making? A bomb?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Can't beat it!
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Whatever they're doing,
0:27:50 > 0:27:54they don't want any evidence to be there afterwards.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56And we'll leave the final words to an old showbiz
0:27:56 > 0:27:58buddy of yours.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Hiya, John.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Congratulations on getting Monumental status -
0:28:02 > 0:28:05you'll be dragged through the streets of Belfast now.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Congratulations on receiving Monumental status,
0:28:08 > 0:28:10a title you've held, unofficially, since that night in Spain in '82.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Wasn't he the one that taught you everything you know?
0:28:13 > 0:28:15No. That was Peter Morrow.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Was he the one that was at your wedding?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Really good-looking, and what a crooner.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21- Did he chat you up?- No.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Well, then you definitely didn't meet him.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25You absolutely deserve it,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28cos you're one of the few people that I know that's
0:28:28 > 0:28:32been in the entertainment/music business as long as I have.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35You are the kindest, most wonderful, most genuine person,
0:28:35 > 0:28:37I say that with true heart.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39I love working with you.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Beaten only...
0:28:41 > 0:28:42by Gordon The Gopher.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:28:46 > 0:28:47I've been Jared Christmas,
0:28:47 > 0:28:51and you lovely people of Northern Ireland have been truly Monumental.
0:28:51 > 0:28:52Good night.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00This is the scene that was cut from Brokeback Mountain.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03MUSIC: "Rock Around The Clock" by Bill Haley & His Comets
0:29:10 > 0:29:13MUSIC: "Play Hard" by David Guetta
0:29:20 > 0:29:23APPLAUSE