0:00:04 > 0:00:12This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21Helen wakes up at 4.00 and Lou is not in bed.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24So she goes downstairs and sees him sitting at the kitchen table,
0:00:24 > 0:00:28having a cup of coffee, a tear running down his cheek,
0:00:28 > 0:00:30just looking at the wall, wistfully.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34She goes, "Lou, honey, why are you up so early?"
0:00:34 > 0:00:37He says, "Well, do you remember how young we were
0:00:37 > 0:00:39"when we first started dating?"
0:00:39 > 0:00:41And she goes, "Oh, of course I remember that."
0:00:41 > 0:00:44And he says, "Do you remember how your father caught us
0:00:44 > 0:00:47"making love in the backseat of the car?"
0:00:47 > 0:00:50And she goes, "Oh, boy, I can't forget that."
0:00:50 > 0:00:53And he says, "Do you remember your father takes a gun,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56"puts it to my head and said, 'If you don't marry my daughter,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59"'I'm going to make sure you go to jail for 30 years?'"
0:00:59 > 0:01:04And she puts her hand on his hand and goes, "Oh, I do remember that."
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Tears running down from his eye, he says,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10"I would've gotten out today."
0:01:10 > 0:01:13LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:18A gentile fellow is going to marry a very ultra-orthodox Jewish woman.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22He went to the ultra-orthodox rabbi, who converted him.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25It was the night before the wedding and the rabbi said to him,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"Now, do you have any questions about tomorrow for the wedding?"
0:01:28 > 0:01:31And he said, "Yes, Rabbi, as a matter of fact, I do.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35"Tomorrow night at the wedding, can I dance with my wife?"
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And the rabbi says, "Absolutely not.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40"The men dance with the men, the women dance with the women."
0:01:40 > 0:01:42He says, "How about eating?"
0:01:42 > 0:01:45He says, "Absolutely not. You cannot eat with your wife.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48"The men eat with the men, the women eat with the women.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49"Do you have any other questions?"
0:01:49 > 0:01:51He says, "Well, Rabbi, while I have you here,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"can I ask you some questions about sexual issues?"
0:01:54 > 0:01:56And he says, "Sure. Ask whatever you want."
0:01:56 > 0:01:58He says, "Rabbi, with regards to positions,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"with a man on the top, the woman on the bottom,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03"the missionary traditional position."
0:02:03 > 0:02:06He says, "Well, we don't call it that, but that's OK."
0:02:06 > 0:02:10He says, "How about with the woman on top and the man on the bottom?"
0:02:10 > 0:02:11He says, "It's a little different,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13"but there's nothing wrong with that."
0:02:13 > 0:02:15He says, "How about doggy style?"
0:02:15 > 0:02:17He says, "Ooh, that's a little kinky,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19"but there's nothing in Halakha that prevents it.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"Any other questions?"
0:02:21 > 0:02:23He says, "Rabbi, how about doing it standing up?"
0:02:23 > 0:02:26He says, "Absolutely not. That could lead to dancing."
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Colin has been in this old-age home for quite a while,
0:02:33 > 0:02:34he has Alzheimer's.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37One of the nurses took a liking to him
0:02:37 > 0:02:40and would always come in to find out how he was.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43One day, she came in and he was very sad, he was crying.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45She says, "Colin, what happened?"
0:02:45 > 0:02:48He said, "My penis died."
0:02:48 > 0:02:50She didn't pay no mind.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53The next day, he's walking up and down the aisles
0:02:53 > 0:02:56with his penis hanging out.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00So the nurse grabs him, puts him back and says, "You can't do that.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03"And, by the way, yesterday you told me your penis died."
0:03:03 > 0:03:06He says, "I know. Today's the viewing."
0:03:06 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:11 > 0:03:15State trooper came upon the scene of a one-car accident.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18A car had run headlong into a tree,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21a man and woman were thrown from the car, dead at the scene.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22He looked all around,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24he could figure no explanation for this accident.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28It was a straight two-lane highway. There was virtually no traffic.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30The weather was clear. The pavement was dry.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32It made no sense whatsoever.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34He's looking around for a clue.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36He sees a monkey sitting up in the tree.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38He says to himself rhetorically,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"I wonder if that monkey might have been here when this happened."
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"You saw this?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48"Did you see what these people were doing at the time of the accident?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"What were they doing?"
0:03:50 > 0:03:51HE INHALES
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"Oh, they were smoking marijuana.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"What else? Anything?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"And they were drinking?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00"Was there anything else?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02"No! And what were you doing all this time?"
0:04:03 > 0:04:05LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:13A very nice young woman decided that
0:04:13 > 0:04:16she'd like to have her breasts enlarged.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20So she went to the plastic surgeon, who told her
0:04:20 > 0:04:24that kind of surgery would cost 5,000.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28And she certainly couldn't afford that, so she said,
0:04:28 > 0:04:32"Don't you have anything that's less expensive that I could use?"
0:04:32 > 0:04:35And he says, "As a matter of fact,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39"I've just initiated a new procedure where I make two little slits,
0:04:39 > 0:04:45"I put in two balloons, and when you want it, have a nice bust line.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"You're going out somewhere, just go like this
0:04:48 > 0:04:52"and the bust line will increase, you'll look beautiful
0:04:52 > 0:04:53"and it'll be great."
0:04:55 > 0:04:57And she was very happy with the results.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59One day, she's walking in the park
0:04:59 > 0:05:03and this very handsome young man is coming towards her.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06And so she starts pumping it up.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And as he comes closer, he says,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12"Oh, I see you use Dr Stein too."
0:05:12 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Bride and groom. Married that day.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Entering the bridal chamber that night, the groom picks up his
0:05:24 > 0:05:28beautiful bride, looks down at her and says, "Is this your first time?"
0:05:28 > 0:05:33And she looks up and says, "Why does everybody ask me that question?"
0:05:33 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:40An Irishman walks into a bar, sits down and orders a whiskey.
0:05:40 > 0:05:46He puts a 20 bill on the table and the bartender gives him a whiskey.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49He's drinking it and feeling very happy.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53He looks down at the end of the bar and sees a girl sitting there.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55He says to the bartender,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57"Whatever that girl is drinking, send her down a drink."
0:05:57 > 0:06:00And the bartender says, "Don't buy her a drink."
0:06:00 > 0:06:03He says, "Listen, I'm buying.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04"Buy her a drink."
0:06:04 > 0:06:07He says, "Don't buy her a drink."
0:06:07 > 0:06:10So the Irishman says, "Why shouldn't I buy her a drink?"
0:06:10 > 0:06:13And the guy behind the bar says, "She's a lesbian."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15And the Irishman says,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18"I don't care what her religion is, buy her a drink."
0:06:18 > 0:06:23So he sends her down a drink and she nods her head.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26The Irishman is sitting there, enjoying his drink
0:06:26 > 0:06:29and he orders another whiskey. When he drinks the second whiskey,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33he tells the bartender to send her down another drink.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36When she finishes the second drink, she comes over and says,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"I want to thank you for buying the two drinks."
0:06:38 > 0:06:41He says, "That's perfectly all right."
0:06:41 > 0:06:44She says, "I don't think you understand. I'm a lesbian."
0:06:44 > 0:06:48And he says, "Listen, your religion is your business.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50"I wanted to buy you a drink."
0:06:50 > 0:06:52She says, "I guess you don't understand.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55"See that girl sitting over there with that fella?
0:06:55 > 0:07:00"If I had her in my house, I would take off her blouse
0:07:00 > 0:07:05"and I would take off her bra, and what a time I could have!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08"You see that other girl with the long blonde hair?
0:07:08 > 0:07:13"If I had her in my room, I would take off her skirt,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16"I would take off her panties, what a time I would have."
0:07:16 > 0:07:18And the Irishman starts to cry.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20She says, "Why are you crying?"
0:07:20 > 0:07:22He says, "I think I'm a lesbian."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:31A gentleman is out in the desert and he hasn't had any water for days.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33He doesn't know what he's going to do.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37He sees a blue light and follows the blue light. He's choking.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39He knocks on a door and the door opens.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43He says, "Please, just give me one little bottle of water.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44He says, "You know, you're in luck.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48"We've got ties here that sell for 300 in Saks Fifth Avenue,
0:07:48 > 0:07:49"you can have them for 200."
0:07:49 > 0:07:53He says, "You don't understand. I need water. I have to have it."
0:07:53 > 0:07:56He says, "OK. For you, you're a great guy, I'll give the ties for 100."
0:07:56 > 0:07:59He says, "You don't understand. I've got this terrible... Water."
0:07:59 > 0:08:01He says, "All right, 75 apiece."
0:08:01 > 0:08:03He says, "Please." GROANS HOARSELY
0:08:03 > 0:08:04"What do you want?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07"Walk out of here, follow the white light and you'll get water."
0:08:07 > 0:08:08So he dredges in the sand,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11he gets down, he's practically crawling, he gets to this house
0:08:11 > 0:08:15with the white light, knocks on the door, scratches on the door.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17A guy opens it and he says,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"Please, all I need is one little glass of water."
0:08:20 > 0:08:23He says, "You know you can't get in here without a tie."
0:08:23 > 0:08:25LAUGHTER
0:08:26 > 0:08:29This man goes into the emergency room in the hospital.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32The nurse comes out and says, "Can I help you? What the problem?"
0:08:32 > 0:08:35He says, "Before I tell you what's wrong with me,
0:08:35 > 0:08:36"you must promise that you won't laugh."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39She says, "Look, I'm a nurse. 25 years.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40"I took the Hippocratic oath.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"I would never, ever laugh at a patient's illness.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45"What's wrong with you?"
0:08:45 > 0:08:48So he drops his pants and she looks down
0:08:48 > 0:08:52and there's the smallest penis, the size of an AAA battery.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56And she starts laughing hysterically. Tears are coming.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57She couldn't believe this.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Finally she gathers herself and says, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02"I shouldn't do this.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05"I promised I wouldn't do it. So tell me, what's wrong with you?"
0:09:05 > 0:09:07And he says, "It's swollen."
0:09:07 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:19 > 0:09:22There were three German shepherds at the vet,
0:09:22 > 0:09:23and they each had their own cage.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26And one German shepherd turned to the next and said,
0:09:26 > 0:09:27"What are you here for?"
0:09:27 > 0:09:30He said, "Well, you know, when my owner came home,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33"I got so excited I piddled all over the floor.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"So she sent me here."
0:09:35 > 0:09:38And they said, "Oh, you piddled all over the floor.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"What are they going to do to you?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:43He said, "They're going to put me to sleep."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45"Oh, they're going to put you to sleep."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48So they said to the second German shepherd, "And why are you here?"
0:09:48 > 0:09:51He said, "Well, the other day the doorbell rang
0:09:51 > 0:09:55"and they opened the door and I got so excited I bit the postman.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"So they sent me here."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59And they said, "What are they going to do to you?"
0:09:59 > 0:10:02He said, "They're going to put me to sleep."
0:10:02 > 0:10:04"Oh, they're going to put you to sleep!"
0:10:04 > 0:10:07So they said to the third German shepherd, "And why are you here?"
0:10:07 > 0:10:11He said, "Well, the other day, my owner was taking a shower
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"and I was in the bathroom.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"The towel dropped, she bent over to get it,
0:10:16 > 0:10:20"and she looked so good, I jumped on her back and I started humping her."
0:10:20 > 0:10:23And they said, "Oh, and they brought you here?"
0:10:23 > 0:10:24He said, "Yes."
0:10:24 > 0:10:26And they said, "What are they going to do to you?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28"Are they going to put you to sleep?"
0:10:28 > 0:10:30"Oh," he says, "No. They're just going to trim my nails."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32LAUGHTER
0:10:32 > 0:10:35You know why Jews have such short necks?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:43A couple die, go to heaven.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46They decease at the same time in an automobile accident. It's terrible.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50They're greeted at the pearly gates by St Peter.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53They're taken to this magnificent home,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57it's a sprawling 10,000ft ranch.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00They say, "Who lives here?" He says, "You live here."
0:11:00 > 0:11:03They say, "What? "We can't afford this."
0:11:03 > 0:11:04He says, "It's heaven.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07"There's no such thing as "afford" or "not afford".
0:11:07 > 0:11:08"This is your home."
0:11:08 > 0:11:12He says, "I see a golf course. Who plays on it?"
0:11:12 > 0:11:13He says, "You play on it."
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"What are the greens fees?"
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"They're nothing! Nothing. It's heaven."
0:11:18 > 0:11:20He says, "Then when you're finished playing,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23"there's a smorgasbord at the club. And you can eat all you want."
0:11:23 > 0:11:25He says, "Oh, I'm in Weight Watchers."
0:11:25 > 0:11:28He says, "That doesn't matter in heaven. You can't put any weight on."
0:11:28 > 0:11:29He says, "Really?"
0:11:29 > 0:11:32He turns to her. He says, "You, you schmuck and your fucking granola.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"We could have been here 15 years ago!"
0:11:34 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:41This Jewish guy has a ranch in Texas and he has a prize bull.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Every year, this prize bull wins another blue ribbon.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47One of his friends goes over and says,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50"You know, Morris, it can't win a blue ribbon all the time.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"You got to get a cow so you can continue
0:11:53 > 0:11:56"and maybe have other blue ribbons for the offspring.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57"Why don't you get a cow?"
0:11:57 > 0:11:59He says, "You know, that's a good idea."
0:11:59 > 0:12:02He looks on the internet, and he finds out the best cows
0:12:02 > 0:12:05in the world are from a town in Russia called Minsk.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08He flies over to Minsk, he sees a beautiful cow,
0:12:08 > 0:12:12he has her crated, shipped back to Texas.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15He has her put in the stable.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17He has his friends around and says,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21"All right, we're going to see the mating of the bull and the cow.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22"Let the cow out."
0:12:22 > 0:12:24The cow comes out, is grazing around.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26He says, "All right, let the bull go."
0:12:26 > 0:12:30The bull comes out, sees the cow, charges after the cow,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34ready to mount the cow and the cow wiggles off to the left.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Now the bull is getting more frustrated.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39He charges the cow again, ready to mount the cow,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41and the cow wiggles off to the right.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Now, he's getting so frustrated steam is coming out of him.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48He charges for the cow, mounts the cow, ready to insert himself,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and the cow wiggles away.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53And one of Morris' friends says, "Morris, this cow you've got,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"this cow's from Minsk?"
0:12:55 > 0:12:58He says, "Yeah, how did you know?"
0:12:58 > 0:13:00He says, "My wife's from Minsk!"
0:13:00 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:09So, a guy goes into a pet store, and he says, "You know, I live alone."
0:13:09 > 0:13:12He says, "I like it that way,
0:13:12 > 0:13:16"but sometimes I just miss the sound of a human voice."
0:13:16 > 0:13:19He said, "Would you happen to have a talking parrot?"
0:13:19 > 0:13:22And the guy says, "You know, as a matter of fact,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24"I just got a parrot in the other day -
0:13:24 > 0:13:27"talks a blue streak, this parrot, and he's quite beautiful.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"Would you like to look at him?" So he says yes.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33He says, "I have him in the back room." So he goes in the back room,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35and there's a big parrot cage with a cloth on.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38He takes the cloth off and there's this beautiful parrot, green and red,
0:13:38 > 0:13:42it's got a beautiful yellow beak and everything, very bright eyed.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45The parrot says, "Hello.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47"Hello, Polly want a cracker, Polly want a cracker."
0:13:47 > 0:13:49He said, "This is great, how much do you want?"
0:13:49 > 0:13:52He says, "50 bucks, I'll give you the parrot."
0:13:52 > 0:13:56So he takes the parrot and the cage, and the next morning he gets up,
0:13:56 > 0:14:02and he goes and he takes the cloth off the parrot cage,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05and he says to the parrot, "Good morning."
0:14:05 > 0:14:07The parrot says, "Fuck you."
0:14:07 > 0:14:10He says, "No, don't talk to me that way."
0:14:10 > 0:14:12He says, "Go fuck yourself."
0:14:12 > 0:14:15He says, "Look, I don't like that kind of language in my house."
0:14:15 > 0:14:17The guy says, "Eat shit."
0:14:17 > 0:14:20He says, "Look, you talk any more that way,"
0:14:20 > 0:14:23he says, "I'm going to make you sorry."
0:14:23 > 0:14:25The parrot says, "Fuck you."
0:14:25 > 0:14:30So he takes the parrot, and he puts the parrot in his freezer,
0:14:30 > 0:14:34and he leaves the parrot in the freezer for about a half an hour.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38He opens the freezer, and the parrot's in there,
0:14:38 > 0:14:43and it's shaking and its beak is blue, and it looks terrified.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47He takes the parrot out, and he says, "You going to behave yourself now?"
0:14:47 > 0:14:49The parrot goes...
0:14:49 > 0:14:52He says, "You're not going to talk that way?" The parrot goes...
0:14:52 > 0:14:56He says, "OK." The parrot says, "I have one question."
0:14:56 > 0:14:57He says, "What?"
0:14:57 > 0:14:59He says, "What did the chicken do?"
0:14:59 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:06There's a woman that goes into a drug store.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08She says, "May I have three D batteries?"
0:15:08 > 0:15:10He said, "Come this way."
0:15:10 > 0:15:13She said, "Sir, if I could come this way,
0:15:13 > 0:15:14"I wouldn't need three D batteries."
0:15:14 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:22So there are three Jewish women sitting at the beach,
0:15:22 > 0:15:26and the first one says, "Do I have a son!
0:15:26 > 0:15:30"You see that condominium over there?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32"Mine son got me that condominium.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34"That's a son."
0:15:34 > 0:15:37The second one says, "That's nothing.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41"You see that condominium? My son got me that condominium.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46"He got me a condominium in Paris, and he flies me back and forth,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"and forth and back. That's a son."
0:15:49 > 0:15:52And the third one says, "That's nothing.
0:15:52 > 0:15:58"I have a son. My son goes every day on Park Avenue,
0:15:58 > 0:16:03"he pays 500 a day to talk to a psychiatrist,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07"and all he does is talk about me."
0:16:07 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Three women are discussing their respective pregnancies,
0:16:12 > 0:16:17and the first woman said, "I believe I'm going to have a boy,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20"because when my child was conceived, my husband was on top."
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Second woman said, "Well, I believe I'm going to have a girl,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27"because when my child was conceived, I was on top."
0:16:27 > 0:16:31And the third woman starts to panic. They said, "What's the matter?"
0:16:31 > 0:16:34She says, "I'm afraid I'm going to have a puppy."
0:16:34 > 0:16:35LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:38A little Yiddish joke.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Very old lady comes to the doctor, she says,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43"Doctor, Ich kann nicht pissen."
0:16:43 > 0:16:45He says, "Bubbie, wie alt bist ihr?"
0:16:45 > 0:16:47She says, "Acht und achtzig."
0:16:47 > 0:16:49He says, "Genug gepisst!"
0:16:49 > 0:16:51LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:56And, speaking of doctors,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59a female benefactor is being shown around the hospital by the doctor.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04As they look into one of the patient rooms, they both, to the horror
0:17:04 > 0:17:09of the female benefactor, see this male patient furiously masturbating.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13And the woman says to the doctor, "Oh, my God, what is going on there?"
0:17:13 > 0:17:14And the doctor says, "Madam,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17"I'm terribly sorry you were exposed to this. This patient has a terrible
0:17:17 > 0:17:20"health condition. If he doesn't masturbate at least five times
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"a day, his testicles fill up with semen,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"they could rupture and he would be terribly sick."
0:17:26 > 0:17:28The woman says, "Oh. In that case, I guess I understand."
0:17:28 > 0:17:32They're walking past the next room, and there's another male patient,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35and a female nurse is performing oral sex on him.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38With that, the woman says, "How can that be justified?"
0:17:38 > 0:17:42And the doctor says, "Same condition, better healthcare plan."
0:17:42 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Elderly gentleman goes into a barber's shop,
0:17:48 > 0:17:49comes in, there's no waiting.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53The barber says, "Come, sit down, Mr Stein. Hello, how you doing?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55"What's new?" Stein says, "What's new?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58"Next week, I'm going to celebrate my 60th wedding anniversary."
0:17:58 > 0:18:00"My goodness, Mr Stein,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03"how wonderful. What's your secret?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06"How did you do that?" He says, "How did I do it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:10"When we were married 30 years, I took my wife Sylvia to Jerusalem."
0:18:10 > 0:18:14"That's it? That's the secret?" He said, "You didn't let me finish.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"Next week, I'm going to go pick her up."
0:18:16 > 0:18:17LAUGHTER
0:18:17 > 0:18:20There's a story - there's a young, single, successful neurosurgeon
0:18:20 > 0:18:22who goes out to the Hamptons for the summer.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24At the Hamptons, he goes to one of the places
0:18:24 > 0:18:27all the young people go to. It's called Barristers.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30He starts talking to one young lady, and they seem to hit it off,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32until she asks him, "What do you do for a living?"
0:18:32 > 0:18:34He says, "I'm a neurosurgeon."
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Then she makes some excuse that she has to leave,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38and he meets another lady and the same thing happens.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40This goes on the entire night.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42So, during the week, he calls a friend of his.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45He says, "What was the name of the club?" He says, "Barristers."
0:18:45 > 0:18:48"Well, that's the answer. People do not come there to find physicians,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50"they're only interested in lawyers.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52"Next time, tell them you're an attorney."
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Goes back the next weekend, goes to Barristers, meets a young lady,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58and when she asks him what he does, he says, "I'm a trial attorney."
0:18:58 > 0:19:01She says, "Oh, really?" And they get along really, really well.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04They stay together all night, and she invites him back to hers.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Well, he comes home, they're about ready to get into bed
0:19:06 > 0:19:09and all of a sudden he starts laughing. He cracks up.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10She said, "Did I do something funny?"
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"I'm just thinking - I've only been an attorney for an hour,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"already, I'm going to screw somebody!"
0:19:15 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:25So these three old Jewish guys were bragging about their sexual exploits.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27They decided to boast
0:19:27 > 0:19:31and say who can make their wife moan and scream the most.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34So the first guy says, "I win hands-down."
0:19:34 > 0:19:38He said, "When I'm in the middle of having intercourse with my wife,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42"I use a feather, and then she screams...she screams."
0:19:42 > 0:19:45The second guy said, "I can top that."
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"I do it the Japanese style, and in the middle of it,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51"I use these marbles, and it really works,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53"and she screams like crazy."
0:19:53 > 0:19:57The third guy says, "I don't know what you guys are talking about."
0:19:57 > 0:19:59He says, "I just jump on, do my 1-2-6, I want to get off,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02"I go over to the drapes and wipe myself off
0:20:02 > 0:20:03"and you should hear her screams!"
0:20:03 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:09This priest just finished this rousing sermon,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and it was about family and love.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16And he wheels around, and he says to one of the congregants,
0:20:16 > 0:20:17he says, "And you, sir," he says,
0:20:17 > 0:20:23"What would you like to hear them say as they walk by your casket?"
0:20:23 > 0:20:28And he says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a hard worker,
0:20:28 > 0:20:33"I was a good provider, and I took care of my family."
0:20:33 > 0:20:34And he says, "Thank you."
0:20:34 > 0:20:38And he points to another congregant, and he says, "And you, sir," he says,
0:20:38 > 0:20:44"What would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?"
0:20:44 > 0:20:47And he says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a good father,
0:20:47 > 0:20:51"I was a good husband, I was a good brother,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55"and I contributed to the church." He says, "Thank you."
0:20:55 > 0:20:58And he looks at another congregant, he says, "And you, sir."
0:20:58 > 0:21:02He says, "What would you like to hear them say
0:21:02 > 0:21:04"as they walk past your casket?"
0:21:04 > 0:21:07And he says, "I would like to hear them say,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09"'Hey, I think he's moving!'"
0:21:09 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Two women are standing in front of the old-age home,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16and they're smoking, when it starts to drizzle.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19One of them reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21cuts off the tip and puts it on her cigarette.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Her friend said, "What are you doing?"
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"It's starting to drizzle, I don't want my cigarette to get wet."
0:21:25 > 0:21:28So her friend said, "That sounds great, what can I do?"
0:21:28 > 0:21:30So she said, "Go to the drug store tomorrow,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"it'll cost you a dollar, go to the counter, ask for a box of condoms."
0:21:33 > 0:21:35So the woman is 89 years old,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38she can barely see, she can barely...hear,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41but she goes up to the counter and said, "I vant a box of condoms."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44And the guy at the counter says, "You want what?"
0:21:44 > 0:21:48"I want a box of condoms!" So he said, "OK, what size?"
0:21:48 > 0:21:51And she said, "Size, schmize, as long as it fits on a Camel."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Two guys meet in the street, and one says,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06"Oh, I haven't seen you in a long time, where you been?"
0:22:06 > 0:22:09He says, "Oh, last year we took a trip around the world,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"and this year we're going someplace else."
0:22:12 > 0:22:15He says, "You're going someplace... Where's someplace else?"
0:22:15 > 0:22:17"Going to Africa on a safari."
0:22:17 > 0:22:21He says, "Africa? You could get killed there!"
0:22:21 > 0:22:23He says, "Don't be a schmuck, go to Florida."
0:22:23 > 0:22:29He says, "That word you just used, it's not a very nice word,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31"please don't use it to me."
0:22:31 > 0:22:34He says, "But there you'll be, trudging through the jungle,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38"a tsetse fly will come along, bite you on the cheek,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"your head will swell up like a balloon."
0:22:40 > 0:22:43He says, "Don't be a schmuck, go to Miami Beach."
0:22:43 > 0:22:50He says, "I asked you in a nice way not to use that word,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54"and you used it again, please don't use that word to me."
0:22:54 > 0:22:58He says, "And there, half-blind, you'll trudge through the jungle,
0:22:58 > 0:23:02"a tiger will climb up behind you, grab you by the shoulder,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05"rip your arm off, you could drown in your own blood!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"Don't be a schmuck, check into the Fontainebleau!"
0:23:08 > 0:23:12He says, "Twice, I asked you like a gentleman not to use that word,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14"and again you use it!"
0:23:14 > 0:23:17He says, "I'm warning you, don't use that word to me."
0:23:17 > 0:23:19He says, "And there, drowning in your own blood,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22"a boa constrictor will come along,
0:23:22 > 0:23:26"wrap the coils around you, crush you dead.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"Listen to me, you'll never get a better word of advice,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"don't be a schmuck, go south!"
0:23:31 > 0:23:33He says, "You're not a gentleman!"
0:23:33 > 0:23:35He says, "I'm walking away from you!"
0:23:35 > 0:23:37He walks away.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Weeks later, he sails... he takes the plane to Africa.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Trudging through the jungle, a tsetse fly comes along,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47bites him on the cheek, head swells up like a balloon.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Half blind, he staggers along, tiger comes along, rips his arm off.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53He falls in a pool of blood.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56And as he's drowning in his own blood,
0:23:56 > 0:24:00a boa constrictor comes along, wraps the coils around him,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and as the boa constrictor is slowly crushing him to death,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05up above, the vultures are flying,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08screaming, "Schmuck, schmuck, schmuck!"
0:24:08 > 0:24:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Two old Jewish friends meet on the street, Max and Abe,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21and Abe has a grin on his face,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24and Max says, "What are you so happy about?"
0:24:24 > 0:24:26He says, "I'll tell you what I'm so happy about.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"Down the block, I found a brothel, and in this brothel,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32"if you go in there, you pay 50, you ask for Gina,
0:24:32 > 0:24:38"a gorgeous girl comes out, huge breasts, she takes your penis.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41"On my penis she puts chocolate, ice cream,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44"nuts, syrup, whipped cream,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"and then she eats the whole thing off, it's fantastic!"
0:24:47 > 0:24:50So his friend says, "Oh, I think I'll try that."
0:24:50 > 0:24:52A couple of days later, they meet on the street,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54and the friend is pissed as hell.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57And he says, "What's wrong with you?"
0:24:57 > 0:24:58He says, "I'll tell you what's wrong with me!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00"I went to that brothel that you recommended!"
0:25:00 > 0:25:02He says, "Yeah, so?"
0:25:02 > 0:25:04He says, "I asked for Gina, I paid my 50,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"beautiful girl with big breasts."
0:25:06 > 0:25:09He says, "Yeah, so?" He says, "She takes my penis,
0:25:09 > 0:25:14"she puts on it cream cheese, a bagel, lox, onion, tomato!"
0:25:14 > 0:25:15"Yeah, so?"
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"It looked so good I ate it myself!"
0:25:17 > 0:25:19LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:24A man has been having trouble with his elbow for a long time,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27complaining and complaining, but he hates doctors.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29He thinks they're all a bunch of quacks.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31But his wife says to him, "Honey, you've got to go to the doctor,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33"I can't listen to you complain any more.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35"You've been complaining about this for ever.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39"Somebody told me about this great Jewish doctor, go see him."
0:25:39 > 0:25:41So he finally agrees, so he goes to the doctor,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43and the doctor gives him a very quick examination,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45and he says, "You have tennis elbow."
0:25:45 > 0:25:47He says, "Tennis elbow?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"I've never played tennis in my life, how can I have tennis elbow?"
0:25:50 > 0:25:53He says, "Believe me, I'm 100% sure, you have tennis elbow,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55"but we'll run a few tests if it makes you feel better.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58"Come back tomorrow, bring your urine sample, we'll take care of it."
0:25:58 > 0:26:01So he leaves, and he's thinking, "OK, like I said,
0:26:01 > 0:26:05"doctors are all a bunch of quacks, how can I have tennis elbow?"
0:26:05 > 0:26:07So he goes home, he tells his wife about it.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Next day, he's preparing to go back to the doctor,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12and he says, "I'm going to get this doctor, you watch and see."
0:26:12 > 0:26:16So he takes the urine sample cup, he has his wife pee in it,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19he has his daughter pee in it, he has his dog pee in it,
0:26:19 > 0:26:20and finally he ejaculates into it,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23and he shakes it all up and takes it to the doctor.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26They go and they run the tests, he goes into the doctor's office,
0:26:26 > 0:26:30knowing he's going to get this guy, and he sits down, the doctor says,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32"First of all, your wife has the clap.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33"Second, your daughter's pregnant.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"Third, your dog has rabies.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37"And fourth, if you don't stop jerking off,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39"you'll never get rid of your tennis elbow!"
0:26:39 > 0:26:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:44 > 0:26:46So this guy goes to prison, he's very scared.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50The first day, he's sitting at lunch, and when lunch is over,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54he sees someone get up on the table, one of the inmates,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56and he says, "32."
0:26:56 > 0:26:59And everybody in the whole place laughs.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02And then he says, "68," and people are roaring.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05He says to the guy next to him, "What's going on?"
0:27:05 > 0:27:07And the guy says, "Well, we've all been here so long,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10"we've heard all the jokes, so we memorise them,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"so we don't have to retell them, we just say the number
0:27:12 > 0:27:14"and people remember it, and then they laugh."
0:27:14 > 0:27:16This guy thinks it's terrific,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19so he spends the next year memorising all the jokes.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22He finally gets up the nerve to go up,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25and he gets up there on the table and he says...
0:27:26 > 0:27:27"55!"
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Dead silence.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34And then he picks the sure-fire one, he says, "103!"
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Nothing happens.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40So he goes back to his seat, and he says to the guy,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42"What happened? What went wrong?"
0:27:42 > 0:27:45The guy says, "Well, some people can tell jokes and some people can't."
0:27:45 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd