0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:16 > 0:00:21This young woman had just heard that her 98-year-old grandfather has died
0:00:21 > 0:00:23and so she goes to pay her grandmother a visit
0:00:23 > 0:00:28and they're talking, and she says, "Grandma, how did it happen?"
0:00:28 > 0:00:31And Grandma says, "Well, it was Sunday morning,
0:00:31 > 0:00:33"we were making love..."
0:00:33 > 0:00:39And she says, "Grandma, two people almost 100 years old having sex,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42"that can be very dangerous!" And her grandmother says,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45"No, no, no, we worked it out, just exactly right for us.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50"We always did it on Sunday morning in time with the church bells -
0:00:50 > 0:00:53"- ding, dong,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55"ding, dong,
0:00:55 > 0:00:59"in with the ding, out with the dong."
0:00:59 > 0:01:02"Oh, my, if it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck
0:01:02 > 0:01:04"your grandfather would still be here."
0:01:04 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Man gets on an airplane, three seats on each side of the aisle.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18In this row there's a man sitting at the window
0:01:18 > 0:01:22and a dog in the middle seat and the aisle seat is empty.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23He says to the man, "Is that your dog?"
0:01:23 > 0:01:27He says, "Yes." He said, "You can't bring a dog on an airplane."
0:01:27 > 0:01:30He says, "I'm a Federal DEA agent, that's my scout, he goes where I go."
0:01:30 > 0:01:33"But don't be concerned, he's extremely well trained
0:01:33 > 0:01:34"and you're free to sit there."
0:01:34 > 0:01:36So he sits down.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Plane takes off, becomes airborne, dog gets up,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41walks up and down the aisle, jumps back in his seat,
0:01:41 > 0:01:42pats the agent on the arm.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Guy says, "What was that all about?"
0:01:44 > 0:01:47He says, "See that man in the fourth row on the window-side?"
0:01:47 > 0:01:49He said, "Yes." "He's carrying marijuana."
0:01:49 > 0:01:53"Really?! What are you gonna do?" "I'll take care of it when we land."
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Dog gets up again, back and forth, jumps in his seat...
0:01:57 > 0:01:58"What was that?"
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"27, on the aisle - cocaine."
0:02:02 > 0:02:06He said, "That dog's miraculous." Dog gets up a third time.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11Up and down the aisle, jumps in the agent's lap and takes a dump.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Guy says, "What does THAT mean?"
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"There's a BOMB on the plane!"
0:02:15 > 0:02:19LAUGHTER
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Parachute training in Israel.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Guy comes back from his first flight to be...
0:02:23 > 0:02:26his first jump, and his friend said, "Well, how did it go?"
0:02:26 > 0:02:30He says, "Oh, it was really scary.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"I was the last one cos I couldn't go first.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"I was last in line and everybody is jumping
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"and I'm getting scareder and scareder and scareder,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40"and finally it's my turn and I'm holding on
0:02:40 > 0:02:43"and I said, 'I can't do it! I can't jump! I can't!'
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"And the sergeant says to me,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"'If you don't jump, I'm gonna fuck you up the ass!'"
0:02:48 > 0:02:52His friend said, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little at first."
0:02:52 > 0:02:54LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:56And it was 2005.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00The Wrigley corporation had recently taken over the Lifesavers company.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03They had purchased the company and they were testing out
0:03:03 > 0:03:09their flagship product, which was a honey-flavoured Lifesaver.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12So they decided to bring in a panel of children.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15They had a first-grade class - all these six-year-olds were there.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18And they were being told that they were being given a Lifesaver to taste,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22and they needed to shout out what the flavour was of that Lifesaver.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27Unfortunately, the colour was brown, because they were honey-flavoured Lifesavers
0:03:27 > 0:03:29and so they children were guessing wildly.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33"Chocolate!" said one. A little in the back said, "Root beer!"
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Somebody else said, "Coffee!"
0:03:34 > 0:03:37And they were all wrong, they were getting discouraged,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40so the marketing people took note,
0:03:40 > 0:03:45and indicated that the colour may be a factor.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Don't carry that on. But to help the children they said,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"We're going to give you a little hint."
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Think about what Mommy calls Daddy sometimes.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56And with that a little boy in the back row jumped up and he said,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59"Spit 'em out everybody - they're assholes!"
0:03:59 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:03 > 0:04:06There were these two partners in the garment centre,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09they had a little schmutter business named after them -
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Abramowitz and Zeplowitz.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13They'd been going for years, and it was very slow.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15One day Zeplowitz comes in, he says,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18"You know, we gotta change our image.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"I'm changing my name to Worthington.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25"I don't wanna have such a Jewish name, I want us to sound American."
0:04:25 > 0:04:29So, Abramowitz looks at him and he's thinking, he says,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"You know, I like that idea, I'm gonna do that too.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"I'm gonna be Worthington, also.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35"We'll have a business, Worthington and Worthington."
0:04:35 > 0:04:39They shake on it, very happy. So they get the door...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42the sign on the door and new cards.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46So the first day under that new name, they're standing there, the phone rings.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50The Receptionist picks up - "Worthington and Worthington."
0:04:50 > 0:04:52And they look at each other, very proud.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55She says, "Which Worthington do you want - Abramowitz or Zeplowitz?"
0:04:55 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Two old ladies sitting on a porch
0:05:03 > 0:05:05doing nothing in their retirement home.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09One turns to the other and says, "Do you still get horny?"
0:05:10 > 0:05:13She says, "I sure do!"
0:05:13 > 0:05:15She says, "Well, what do you do?"
0:05:15 > 0:05:18She says, "I suck a Lifesaver."
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Couple of minutes later the first one turns and says,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24"Who drives you to the beach?"
0:05:24 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:40The farmer wants to buy a stud rooster.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45The vet's selling all these various animals and whatever.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48He says, "I got one here,
0:05:48 > 0:05:54"the best one I have, won the grand prize, it'll cost you 500."
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Farmer says, "I want that one."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58He takes the rooster, sits him alongside him, and he says,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"Where are they? Where are they? Take me to them."
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Farmer says, "There'll be more than you can handle."
0:06:03 > 0:06:05He says, "Never enough. Never enough."
0:06:05 > 0:06:10Farmer takes him to the farm, and there's a hen house with 200 hens.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14He throws the rooster in there and you hear bauwk-buk-buk, bauwk-buk-buk.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16They're going' crazy, the wings are flapping,
0:06:16 > 0:06:20the feathers are flying... Suddenly silence prevails.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25Farmer goes tip-toeing in and he sees all the hens are sleeping,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27snoring, contented smiles on their faces,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30and the rooster is parading up and down.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31"Where are they? I need more!"
0:06:31 > 0:06:33He says, "Isn't this enough?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Don't you wanna relax and sleep it off, and regain your energy?"
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"I want more! Never enough! Never enough!"
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Takes him to another henhouse with 400 hens.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Throws him in - bauwk-buk-buk, buk-buk-buawk..!
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Well, again, silence prevails and the farmer runs over.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Again the same thing - they're all sleeping, snoring, smiling.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55And he's strutting up and down - the rooster.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58And he says, "That's all I have." But he says, "I want more!"
0:06:58 > 0:07:01He says, "Maybe you've got some cows, sheep...?"
0:07:01 > 0:07:04He says, "YOU want....?!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
0:07:04 > 0:07:07It's a warm, summer day, so he throws him in the meadow.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10You hear the cows going moooo, moooo, the sheep - baaaa, baaaa,
0:07:10 > 0:07:15the horses - neerrrhh, and finally he hears no more noise.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20He looks up and there's buzzards flying overhead,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22coming down for the kill.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25And the cows, the horses and the sheep and the pigs -
0:07:25 > 0:07:29they're all lying on their sides snoring away.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32And the rooster was lying there,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35with his head dangling into a hole, his mouth open...
0:07:35 > 0:07:38almost like rigor mortis.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Farmer walks over - "You see, you screwed yourself to death."
0:07:43 > 0:07:47"I warned you to rela..." And the buzzards are flying overhead, about to come down...
0:07:47 > 0:07:49He says, "Shut up, you schmuck,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52"if you wanna screw a buzzard, you gotta play this game all the way."
0:07:52 > 0:07:53LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:05A masked man toting an AK-47 bursts into a bank
0:08:05 > 0:08:07and proceeds to rob the bank.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12One of the robbers' masks falls down and he puts it up real fast.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15And there were a couple of people standing off to his right,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17and he said to one of the guys...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"Tell me, did you see my face?"
0:08:20 > 0:08:21And the guy says, "Yeah, I did."
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Bang! He shoots him.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25And there was another guy standing by that guy and he says,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"When my mask fell down...
0:08:27 > 0:08:30"..did you see my face?" He says, "Yes." Bang!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32He shoots him.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36There was a third guy standing there, and he says to this guy...
0:08:36 > 0:08:39"Excuse me, did you see my face?"
0:08:39 > 0:08:41And the guy says, "No. I didn't."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43"But my wife did."
0:08:43 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:09:01Maury's of an age and he marries this much, much, much younger woman.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06As a result, they're having some problems in intimacy and sexuality.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10The younger woman is just not being satisfied.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12So they decide they're going to go to the rabbi.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14They explain themselves -
0:09:14 > 0:09:19that he's trying to satisfy his young wife and he's been unable to so.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21So the rabbi strokes his beard
0:09:21 > 0:09:26and he says to Maury, "Let's do something that they did years ago.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30"Why don't you go out get a nice, handsome, young man,
0:09:30 > 0:09:34"have him come in when you're making love, and have him wave a towel
0:09:34 > 0:09:37"while you're having intimacy."
0:09:37 > 0:09:41So they say OK. They agree to do what the rabbi suggests.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43They go out they get this handsome young man,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45comes into the bedroom with them,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Maury gets into bed with his young beautiful wife,
0:09:48 > 0:09:52the young man's waving the towel while they're in bed.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54At the end, they do this a couple of times,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56and there's no satisfaction for her.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00So they decide to go back to see the rabbi again.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04So they go and see the rabbi and the rabbi listens to them and says,
0:10:04 > 0:10:08"Listen, why don't you go back, do it, but just reverse roles -
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"Maury, you wave the towel,
0:10:10 > 0:10:15"the handsome young man gets in the bed with the wife,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"and let's see what that does."
0:10:17 > 0:10:21"Cos we do anything in the Jewish tradition to satisfy our wives."
0:10:21 > 0:10:25So they go back home, and they go into the bedroom,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27the handsome young man comes into the bedroom,
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Maury picks up the towel, explains to the handsome young man
0:10:31 > 0:10:32what has to be done.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35He gets into bed with the wife,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37and they're having intimate, passionate sex
0:10:37 > 0:10:41and she's screaming and she's going absolutely erotic
0:10:41 > 0:10:43in this wild orgasm.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45And Maury looks at the young man and he says,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48"Schmuck, this is how you wave a towel!"
0:10:48 > 0:10:50LAUGHTER
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Mr and Mrs Shapiro also go to a doctor.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58And at the end, the doctor calls in Mrs Shapiro.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00"Mrs Shapiro, you're fine,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"your husband is fine, but I have one problem."
0:11:05 > 0:11:10"Your husband tells me his sex life has a little problem.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"So what's the problem?"
0:11:12 > 0:11:17"Well," he says, "the first time is perfectly fine, but the second time,
0:11:17 > 0:11:22"he starts to perspire and sweat and he's completely soaked afterwards.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"Do you understand that?"
0:11:24 > 0:11:25She said, "Yeah."
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"The first time's November, the second time is July."
0:11:28 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Couple, married a good 30 or 40 years,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38and they're lying in bed together
0:11:38 > 0:11:41and all of a sudden the wife, out of nowhere,
0:11:41 > 0:11:46she feels her husband's hand under her thigh.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51And she says, "Oh, boy, this is good. This is gonna be a good evening."
0:11:51 > 0:11:56A little bit later she feels her husband's hand under her buttocks
0:11:56 > 0:12:01and she says, "Boy, terrific, tonight's my night."
0:12:02 > 0:12:08Next moment she feels his hand in between her legs.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12And then all of a sudden everything stops.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14She says, "Irving, what happened?"
0:12:14 > 0:12:17He says, "I found the remote."
0:12:17 > 0:12:20LAUGHTER
0:12:20 > 0:12:23This 95-year-old guy walks into a whorehouse,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and he's met by the madam,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28and she says, "What are you doin' here, old man?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"Are you lost? You need money, some change?"
0:12:31 > 0:12:33He says, "Don't you vorry what I'm doin'.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"I got 100 for the best hooker you got!"
0:12:36 > 0:12:38She says, "100 for the best hooker...?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41"My best hooker will break you in half. What are you talkin' about?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:44He says, "Don't you vorry, I'm up for it, here's 100 bucks."
0:12:44 > 0:12:48She says, "OK, go into Room 6."
0:12:48 > 0:12:53Well, about ten minutes later he gets to Room 6, he opens the door,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55and there's a beautiful young lady sitting on the bed
0:12:55 > 0:12:57and she says, "Hey, old man, get outta here.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58"I'm waiting for my john."
0:12:58 > 0:13:03He says, "I'm your johnny-baby, don't you vorry about that!"
0:13:03 > 0:13:06And she says, "You're my johnny-baby? You're 130 years old.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10"I could hurt you." He says, "Don't you worry, I'm man enough for you."
0:13:10 > 0:13:12She says, "Really? Let's see."
0:13:12 > 0:13:15So he drops his trousers and she looks at him, and she says,
0:13:15 > 0:13:20"I don't know if I can give you 100 of pleasure with what's left of that thing."
0:13:20 > 0:13:23He goes, "What's the matter? Not big enough?"
0:13:23 > 0:13:25She goes, "Not really." He goes...
0:13:25 > 0:13:29(SNAP!) ..and his penis extends three inches, she goes,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"Oh, my god, can you do that again?"
0:13:31 > 0:13:35(SNAP!) His penis extends another three inches. Unbelievable.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38She says, "How do you make it go back?" He goes... (THUMP!)
0:13:38 > 0:13:42And it contracts three inches. "Can you do that again?"
0:13:42 > 0:13:44(THUMP!) Contracts another three inches.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47She says, "Well, I'm game if you are. I've never seen this before.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49"You want the bottom or the top?"
0:13:49 > 0:13:53He says, "Well, I had to walk all the way here, I'll take the bottom."
0:13:53 > 0:13:55So she gets on top of him, and he goes,
0:13:55 > 0:14:00# If I were a rich man... # (THUMP! SNAP! THUMP!)
0:14:00 > 0:14:03LAUGHTER
0:14:05 > 0:14:07There's a woman that's getting married for the fourth time
0:14:07 > 0:14:10and she's getting married to a lawyer.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13She's really excited, so she goes to the dressmaker and she says,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17"Could you tailor me a beautiful white gown to walk down the aisle?"
0:14:17 > 0:14:20The tailor says, "With all due respect, after three husbands,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"maybe something in an off-white or an ecru would be more appropriate."
0:14:23 > 0:14:26She says, "No, I've maintained my virginity through three husbands
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"and I'd like to walk down in white."
0:14:28 > 0:14:30He says, "You maintained your virginity through three husbands,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33"now you're marrying a lawyer - how do you explain this?"
0:14:33 > 0:14:36She said, "My first husband John was a gynaecologist
0:14:36 > 0:14:39"and all he ever did to me at night during our marriage
0:14:39 > 0:14:43"was get under the covers, look at it, examine it, that's all he would ever do to me.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47"My second husband, Sigmund, was a psychiatrist
0:14:47 > 0:14:50"and all he ever did to me during our married life was get under
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"the covers and talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58"My third husband, Lester, was a stamp collector. I really miss Lester.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03"But now I'm gettin' married to a lawyer, I know I'm gonna get fucked!"
0:15:03 > 0:15:05LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:09A Hasidic rabbi walks into a bar and has a frog on his shoulder
0:15:09 > 0:15:14and the bartender says to him, "Where did you get him from?"
0:15:14 > 0:15:17And the frog says, "Oh, they're all over Brooklyn."
0:15:20 > 0:15:24An old man is sitting on his rocking chair, rocking comfortably away
0:15:24 > 0:15:28and over a hill in front of his house
0:15:28 > 0:15:31comes a young boy carrying something in his arms.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Old man says, "Hey, kid, what you got there?"
0:15:34 > 0:15:35"Got me some chicken wire."
0:15:35 > 0:15:37"What are you going to do with the chicken wire?"
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"I'm going to catch me some chickens."
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"You damn fool, you can't catch no chickens with no chicken wire."
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Of course, later that afternoon up that hill comes that kid
0:15:45 > 0:15:48dragging that chicken wire, bunch of chickens attached to it.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Next morning over the hill comes that kid,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53holding something in his hands.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55"Hey, kid, what you got there?" says the old man.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"I got me some duck tape."
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"What are you going to do with that duck tape?"
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"I'm going to catch me some ducks."
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"Oh, you damn fool, you can't catch no ducks with no duck tape."
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Lo and behold later that afternoon,
0:16:05 > 0:16:09up that hill comes that kid dragging that roll of tape,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11a bunch of ducks stuck to it.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Next morning, kid comes over the hill,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16passes the old man carrying something in his hand.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Old man says, "Hey, kid, what you got there?"
0:16:18 > 0:16:21The kid says, "I got me some pussy willow."
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Old man says, "Hang on, let me get my hat."
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Sammy comes home from work
0:16:31 > 0:16:33and he says to Becky, "Becky, I can't do it any more.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"My arthritis is killing me, I can't work any more.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37"You're going to have to go out to work."
0:16:37 > 0:16:40She says, "Me, work? "I never worked a day in my life!"
0:16:40 > 0:16:43He says, "Eh, you be a whore."
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"Be a whore? How do I do that?"
0:16:45 > 0:16:47He says, "Well, put your best dress on, put your lipstick on,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"your best make-up, fix up your hair, put on your best stockings, go out
0:16:50 > 0:16:54"and every man you meet you say, 'Hey, buddy, you want a good time?'"
0:16:54 > 0:16:57So she says, "Well, we need the money." So she goes out.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Three and a half hours later she comes back
0:17:00 > 0:17:01and Sammy says, "How did you do?"
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Becky is ripped to shreds.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Her buttons are all pulled off, her bra is half on, half off,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10her dress is half on half off, stockings are down by her ankles,
0:17:10 > 0:17:14her hair is all messed up and she says, "Well, I made 35.10."
0:17:14 > 0:17:17He said, "10 cents? Who gave you 10 cents?"
0:17:17 > 0:17:19She says, "Everybody gave me 10 cents."
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Schwartz had a chicken farm
0:17:22 > 0:17:27and he had a long-time customer, Gottesman Kosher Butchers.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Gottesman had been a customer for years and years
0:17:31 > 0:17:34and they always did good business together
0:17:34 > 0:17:37and Schwartz noticed Gottesman was getting slow on his payments.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41But when he got up to about 80,000, Schwartz was upset about it
0:17:41 > 0:17:44and he spoke to Gottesman and said, "You've got to give me some money."
0:17:44 > 0:17:48He promised him a 10,000 cheque by the end of the month,
0:17:48 > 0:17:49the cheque never showed up.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Promised him again, the cheque never showed up.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55So Gottesman went to his lawyers, McCarter and English,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58and he told them to sue. They start to sue.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Gottesman files an answer.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04He says, "The chickens were no good.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"He didn't give me as many chickens as he's charging me for.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"The chickens wouldn't sell because they were so out of date,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14"and anyway, I don't know anybody named Schwartz and I paid him."
0:18:17 > 0:18:24Schwartz is angered by this reply and tells his lawyers,
0:18:24 > 0:18:25"We'll get him.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29The lawyer says, "You know, Mr Schwartz, we've got a problem.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33"You've got a nice family business but you've got no records.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"You've got no invoices, you've got no sales records,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"you've got no shipping records, you've got nothing.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"We're going to go to court
0:18:41 > 0:18:44"and it's going to be your word against Gottesman's.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Schwartz says, "I don't care.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"The son of a gun is not playing fair with me,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53"I'll take care of it - I'll send a chicken."
0:18:53 > 0:18:56He said, "Send who a chicken?" He said, "Judge Reichoff."
0:18:56 > 0:18:58He said, "You can't send Judge Reichoff a chicken,
0:18:58 > 0:18:59"he'll be very insulted,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02"he'll be outraged and probably call the prosecutor
0:19:02 > 0:19:06"and you'll never win the case with stuff like that with Judge Reichoff.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07"Don't do it."
0:19:07 > 0:19:09"All right, no chicken."
0:19:09 > 0:19:14They go to court, Schwartz testifies, Gottesman testifies.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18At the end of the case, Judge Reichoff says,
0:19:18 > 0:19:22"It would be an easier case to decide if there were records
0:19:22 > 0:19:26"but there are none, so I've had to judge the two men who appear before me
0:19:26 > 0:19:31"and I find Schwartz to be a man of great character, complete credibility.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36"Gottesman is obviously a dodgy character and not worthy of belief.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39"Judgement for Schwartz, 80,000."
0:19:39 > 0:19:42As they're going down the steps of the courthouse,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Schwartz says to his lawyer, "Great lawyer you are(!)
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"You wanted me to settle, you wanted me to take less than I got!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50"I took care of it." He said, "What do you mean you took care of it?"
0:19:50 > 0:19:52He says, "I sent him a chicken."
0:19:52 > 0:19:55"You sent Reichoff a chicken?" He says, "Yeah."
0:19:55 > 0:19:57"That was a terrible thing to do."
0:19:57 > 0:19:59He says, "Yeah, I sent him a note along with it."
0:19:59 > 0:20:01"My God, what did the note say?"
0:20:01 > 0:20:04It said, "Judge Reichoff, enjoy the chicken
0:20:04 > 0:20:06"and your family should enjoy it too
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"and there's more where that came from, if you know what I mean."
0:20:09 > 0:20:11"And I signed it - Gottesman."
0:20:13 > 0:20:15The kid's sitting in the back,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18teacher's walking round the room with the lesson.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21All of a sudden the kids are laughing, they're giggling, they're pointing.
0:20:21 > 0:20:27She looks and sees Bobby is playing with himself in his private parts.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29She comes over to him -
0:20:29 > 0:20:31"What are you doing? This is horrible!"
0:20:31 > 0:20:35He says, teacher, "I don't mean you any disrespect, believe me,
0:20:35 > 0:20:40"but I was just circumcised yesterday and it itches terribly."
0:20:40 > 0:20:42She says, "All right, you know what?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44"I'm sending you to the principal's office.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47"I want you to ask him to make a phone call to your mother
0:20:47 > 0:20:50"and she should, and take you home from school."
0:20:50 > 0:20:54So he goes to the principal's office, it happens, makes his call,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57comes back, he's sitting down in the classroom and again,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00the class starts giggling and laughing, carrying on.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05The teacher looks this time - he's got his penis out of his pants.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10She says to him, "That's it, brother. This is totally uncalled for."
0:21:10 > 0:21:12She says, "Did you call your mother?" He says, "Yes."
0:21:12 > 0:21:13"And?"
0:21:13 > 0:21:16"She told me to stick it out until after lunch."
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Bernie, an old Jew in the clothing business for many years,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34is retiring, and his friends ask him,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36"What are you going to do after you retire?"
0:21:36 > 0:21:38He says, "Well, I think I'll go down
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"and I'll join the New York Athletic Club."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44They say, "Bernie, are you crazy? They'll never let a Jew in there."
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Bernie says, "Well, I have my ways. I think I can get in."
0:21:47 > 0:21:49So sure enough, after Bernie retires,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52he puts on a blue blazer with gold buttons,
0:21:52 > 0:21:58puts on a pinstripe shirt, red silk tie, khaki dockers, boat shoes,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01and he goes on down to the New York Athletic Club to interview.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04He gets taken into a sumptuous room and a very elegant man,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07well-dressed, comes out to interview him,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10sits down opposite Bernie and says, "Your name, sir?"
0:22:10 > 0:22:14And Bernie says, "Yes, it's Bernard Throckmorton III."
0:22:14 > 0:22:16And the interviewer writes it down.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18He says, "And what line of work are you in, sir?"
0:22:18 > 0:22:21He says, "Yes, well I'm retired now but for many years,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24"I had a small boutique advertising agency on Park Avenue."
0:22:24 > 0:22:27And the interviewer writes it down. He says, "Are you married, sir?"
0:22:27 > 0:22:32"Yes, my wife, Mary, does quite a bit of work for the Junior League."
0:22:32 > 0:22:33"Children?"
0:22:33 > 0:22:35"Yes, I have two children, Buffy and Chip
0:22:35 > 0:22:38"and they will be matriculating this year
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"at Harvard and Yale respectively."
0:22:40 > 0:22:42He says, "I see, sir. And your religion?"
0:22:42 > 0:22:44"Oh, yes, we're goyim."
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I recently had to spend an evening at Central State Hospital
0:22:53 > 0:22:56and the guy in the bed next to me wasn't doing too well
0:22:56 > 0:22:57and half way through the night,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00the doctor came into the room, pulled the curtain between us,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02went over to the man and his wife and said,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04"We've done all the can for you.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07"You're not going to make it through the night.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11"So, all I suggest is, try to make your husband as comfortable as possible."
0:23:11 > 0:23:14He leaves. It's about 12 o'clock at night and I can't sleep.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15I'm laying in my bed.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17She says, "Darling, how can I make you more comfortable?"
0:23:17 > 0:23:19He says, "Well I really don't feel all that bad.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21"I'd really like to do it one more time."
0:23:21 > 0:23:24She climbs into bed with him, I hear the bed going up and down,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26they're going at it for about 40 minutes.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Finally they finish, she's moaning and groaning,
0:23:28 > 0:23:29he says, "That was terrific."
0:23:29 > 0:23:31She sitting in the chair, it's now about 1.30.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34She says, Darling, how can I make you more comfortable?"
0:23:34 > 0:23:37He says, "I really feel great and I'd love to do it again."
0:23:37 > 0:23:38It's about 2.30 in the morning.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Jumps into the sack again, they go at it for about 40 minutes.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42I can't believe it,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I can't fall asleep and he's moaning and groaning and it's wonderful.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Now it's about 3.30 in the morning and she says to him,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"Darling, how can I make you more comfortable?"
0:23:50 > 0:23:53He says, "You know, I really feel good.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54"I'd like to do it one more time."
0:23:54 > 0:23:58She looks at him and says, "Sure(!) You don't have to get up in the morning!"
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Morris and Sue lived in Brooklyn and Sue says to Morris, she says,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10"You know, Morris, I'm just sick and tired of the chickens
0:24:10 > 0:24:12"that I'm getting from the chicken market.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16"That kosher market, all they do is give me them skinny chickens.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"All I get is a lot of bones!"
0:24:18 > 0:24:20He says, "What do you want from me?"
0:24:20 > 0:24:22She says, "I tell you what, I've got a great idea.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27"You go down to the chicken market and you'll buy a live chicken.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31"Then you'll bring it home, I'll feed it and I'll fatten it up
0:24:31 > 0:24:33"and then you'll take it to the shoykhet."
0:24:33 > 0:24:36She says, "And then we'll have a good chicken dinner."
0:24:36 > 0:24:38He says, "Oy, bist meshuge."
0:24:38 > 0:24:41"Please, humour me." "All right!"
0:24:41 > 0:24:43So, he goes down to the chicken market and he buys this chicken.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45He's got a live chicken.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48It's a little chicken, they put it in a bag, and he comes home,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51puts his hand in his pocket, he's got to get the key...
0:24:51 > 0:24:53and he ain't got the key.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57He doesn't have a key and he's standing there with a chicken.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00He rings the doorbell, no answer.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02He knocks on the door, no answer.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04He looks through the glass on the door
0:25:04 > 0:25:08and he sees a note on the kitchen table.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11"Went to visit my sister, will be back in three hours."
0:25:11 > 0:25:14So, he sits down on the stoop and he's thinking and thinking,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17"What am I going to do for three hours with this chicken?"
0:25:17 > 0:25:20And as he's doing, he's looking down the street
0:25:20 > 0:25:21and he sees the movie theatre.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23"I'll go to the movies!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"But they're not going to let me in with the chicken."
0:25:26 > 0:25:28So he takes the chicken, puts it in this,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30closes his pants, jacket and he walks into the theatre.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Sits down, and of course the minute he sits down, outs pops the head.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Two little old ladies are sitting next to him.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42One says, "Sadie, you should see what's coming out of his pants!"
0:25:43 > 0:25:46"Don't bother me, I'm watching the movies!"
0:25:46 > 0:25:52"Sadie, you got to see what's coming out of his pants!"
0:25:52 > 0:25:56"I told you, don't bother me, I'm watching the movie!"
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"Please, take a look!"
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"Oy, don't bother me! You see one, you've seen them all."
0:26:01 > 0:26:04She says, "Yeah, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
0:26:04 > 0:26:06LAUGHTER
0:26:06 > 0:26:10These two older ladies are sitting on the back porch
0:26:10 > 0:26:13and they're talking and Bessie says,
0:26:13 > 0:26:18"Oh, my life has been just wonderful. I met a new man."
0:26:18 > 0:26:20The other lady says, "Fantastic."
0:26:20 > 0:26:24She says, "And he takes me all over the world."
0:26:24 > 0:26:25She says, "Fantastic."
0:26:25 > 0:26:28"And he's redoing my house."
0:26:28 > 0:26:30"Fantastic."
0:26:30 > 0:26:33"And he still has a little lead in the pencil."
0:26:33 > 0:26:36She says, "Fantastic."
0:26:36 > 0:26:39"So, what have you been doing?"
0:26:39 > 0:26:41"I've been at charm school."
0:26:41 > 0:26:43"What did you learn at charm school?"
0:26:43 > 0:26:46"I learned to say 'fantastic' instead of bullshit.'"
0:26:46 > 0:26:49LAUGHTER
0:26:49 > 0:26:52This gentleman is on his way to work one morning very early
0:26:52 > 0:26:55and he's on the interstate and suddenly he looks in his
0:26:55 > 0:26:59rear-view mirror and there's the red light, telling him to pull over.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02So, he pulls over and State Highway Patrolman comes up
0:27:02 > 0:27:04and he's got his ticket book out.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06He starts to write the ticket and the guy says,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09"Wait, please, officer." He says, "I have a very good excuse."
0:27:09 > 0:27:11He says, "I'm late for work
0:27:11 > 0:27:13"and I work at the hospital and you've got to let me go,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16"otherwise I'm going to be really late and they depend on me."
0:27:16 > 0:27:19The guy's still writing the ticket. He says, "No excuses."
0:27:19 > 0:27:22He said, "Where do you work in the hospital?"
0:27:22 > 0:27:25He said, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher in the surgery."
0:27:25 > 0:27:27He says, "A what?!"
0:27:27 > 0:27:28He says, "A rectum stretcher."
0:27:28 > 0:27:31He says, "I've got to still give you a ticket."
0:27:31 > 0:27:33He says, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
0:27:33 > 0:27:35He said, "Well, they put the patient on the table,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37"put him on his hands and knees.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39"I get back there and I get my fingers in
0:27:39 > 0:27:43"and I get my fist in there and then pretty soon
0:27:43 > 0:27:44"I've got both fists in there."
0:27:44 > 0:27:48And he says, "I can pull that rectum out six feet."
0:27:48 > 0:27:52He said, "Six feet? What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
0:27:52 > 0:27:55He said, "You put him on an overpass with a radar gun."
0:27:55 > 0:27:58LAUGHTER
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd