0:00:02 > 0:00:05- PHONE RINGS - Answer the phone. Answer the phone.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- PHONE RINGS - Oh, you're joking.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Dad, can you answer the phone?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14- PHONE CONTINUES RINGING - Oh, God.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Answer the phone, answer the phone.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21- PHONE CONTINUES RINGING - Kat, can you answer the phone?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27SHE SIGHS
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Answer the phone, answer the phone. Answer the phone.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Hello, Cassidy household, Natalie Cassidy speaking.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Nat. Vince. Are you ready for the big time?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I will be after me bath, why?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Something is coming, something big, Nat, you might want to sit down.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Morgan Freeman has seen you doing lesbian Sonia
0:00:48 > 0:00:50and he wants you to read for a part.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54You are triple mega joking!
0:00:55 > 0:01:02This programme contains some strong language
0:01:24 > 0:01:26This is Mann Management,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29one of the UK's foremost celebrity talent agencies.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Their illustrious client base is managed by agent to the stars
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Vincent Mann.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38What does it take to be a great agent?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40A big smile, a firm handshake
0:01:40 > 0:01:42and a stab-proof back.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48In an unprecedented move, he has given our documentary crew
0:01:48 > 0:01:52unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Today, an exciting job offer
0:01:55 > 0:01:59has come in from Hollywood A-lister Morgan Freeman.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03He's looking for a female cockney astronaut for a new romcom
0:02:03 > 0:02:05set on Mars.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- He wants to see you today! - Oh, my God, this is amazing!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It's like a dream come true!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, it would be if I didn't have Dad today. Can he do tomorrow?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Morgan Freeman doesn't do tomorrows, Nat,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17he very rarely does todays.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Can't you ask your sister to have your dad?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Oh, Kat doesn't do todays,
0:02:21 > 0:02:22she only does tomorrows.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Well, ask her to do you a favour. - All right, then.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Kat.- What?!
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Morgan Freeman wants to see me today, can you have Dad?
0:02:32 > 0:02:37No! I'm doing me Insanity with Fat Karen!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40She can't do it, Vince, she's doing Insanity with Fat Karen.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Then you're taking him with you, right?
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Right.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Yes! Get in!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I ain't going up London, Nat.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Just listen to me, please, Dad.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00All we need to do is drive up London,
0:03:00 > 0:03:05you come in with me, wait in reception, then we drive home again.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08We can stop for motorway chips on the way back.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Will I be back in time for Pointless?- Yes.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Cash In The Attic? - Don't push your luck.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- All right.- Get in!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22HE SIGHS
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Another celebrated client of Mann Management
0:03:25 > 0:03:28is comedian and activist Russell Brand.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32He's in the Essex countryside furthering his spiritual revolution.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37I had an almost existential revelation.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Why wait for society to evolve into a giant citadel of peaceful,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43philosophical civilisation
0:03:43 > 0:03:45'when I can build a new paradigm
0:03:45 > 0:03:48'of existence, right here on me own slice'
0:03:48 > 0:03:49of Albion paradise?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Russell has acquired almost five acres of brown-belt land on which
0:03:55 > 0:03:58he plans to build his version of Utopia.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01This is where I want the Marvel Meditation Tower.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- How tall's that, then? - Like this, but massive.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08'For a revolutionary construction of this magnitude,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12'I needed the very best and Trevor was by far the most
0:04:12 > 0:04:15'spiritually advanced builder I could lay me hands on.'
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Oi, Russell, what do you think of that?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Do you want to keep it? Might come in handy.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22With a builder onboard,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Russell's Utopian dream is going to the next level -
0:04:25 > 0:04:28a planning meeting with Essex County Council.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Brothers and sisters in together-hood, striving as one
0:04:31 > 0:04:34for the benefit of all, equality, freedom,
0:04:34 > 0:04:39here just off junction 29 of the M25.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I think we all agree it's a nice idea, in principle,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45but would you have anything more solid we could look at?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I've got Trevor. He's solid.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52'Yeah, it's all a bit tetchy here at Utopia this afternoon.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55'Like, Russell's got the council in asking him all kinds'
0:04:55 > 0:04:57of questions. He doesn't like it when people do that.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02The land itself, Mr Brand, has it been agriculturally classified?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I'm not here to give answers, love, I'm here to change the question.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You DO need to give answers.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11We need to know what exactly it is you're proposing to build.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12The future!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16And would the future have disability access?
0:05:16 > 0:05:21People will not be pigeonholed by their physical characteristics,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I'm trying to build a progressive Utopian ideal here and you're
0:05:24 > 0:05:29festooning me in crimson tape like I'm trying to run a market stall.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32We probably could get you a market stall.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42The stupidest of the stupid questions we're asked is,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- "Do you..." - "Mel and Sue..."
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- BOTH:- "Actually live together?"
0:05:46 > 0:05:49And the answer to that is a resounding,
0:05:49 > 0:05:50"Yes, my love."
0:05:54 > 0:05:55There's us, Mel and Sue...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57..my cat, Arthur C Clarke...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59..our two Goldfish, Mel and Sue.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01No relation. ROFL.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Oh, and Tim. My husband.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Hello, I'm Tim, I'm Mel's husband
0:06:09 > 0:06:12and I live with Mel...
0:06:12 > 0:06:13and Sue.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Whoa!- No way.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I did not see that coming.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Wow, so someone messed with the blood samples?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Yeah, do you think it was the dodgy sheriff's department?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Hey, you, right things.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Hey, classic!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Hi, Sue, there's just five minutes left, so...
0:06:38 > 0:06:40What are we watching? Making A Murderer?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Didn't we watch this last week, Melly melon? Melon balls?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Wasn't that a different show, my great mate?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Don't think so.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Yeah, didn't we watch The Jinx, my showbiz compadre?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55No, definitely Making A Murderer.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I remember it turns out that neither of them get released
0:06:57 > 0:06:59and they're both still in prison today.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Oh, for fuck's sake.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04SUE WHISTLES
0:07:09 > 0:07:12'Actually, it's a blessing having Dad with me'
0:07:12 > 0:07:14on the way to the audition with Morgan Freeman.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18He's going to help me with the lines like he does with lesbian Sonia.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I know a romcom set on Mars is a different vibe,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24but I'm just going to try and keep it natural.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31but what's the point of having oxygen if I haven't got love?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Of course you've got love,
0:07:33 > 0:07:37you've got love of everyone back home on planet Earth.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40That feels like nothing without you.
0:07:40 > 0:07:4524 hours is not long enough to explore a universe of feelings.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49But it is long enough for us to save ourselves.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51But what if one of us doesn't make it, Blake?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Why did you come here if not to explore your feelings?
0:07:55 > 0:07:59I came here to explore Mars, goddammit.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02So did I, but I discovered you, babe.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Then the alien grabs your face...
0:08:09 > 0:08:15Bla-a-a-a-a-a-a-ke!
0:08:16 > 0:08:17'If it's that good with Dad,'
0:08:17 > 0:08:21imagine how good it's going to be with Morgan Freeman.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Better, I reckon.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30'I was feeling a bit awks about fibbing to my better half Timbo,'
0:08:30 > 0:08:32so I thought I'd put my Bake Off pinny on and rustle up
0:08:32 > 0:08:34a bit of apology pie.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37So, Mel told me to pop off to the flicks and give her and Tim
0:08:37 > 0:08:39some private time, which is not a problem.
0:08:39 > 0:08:45No pasa nada. No problemo. Nos problemos.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- No, no. - Very happy to give them some space.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49If you know what I mean?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Boom-baka-chow, baka-chow-wow-wow.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Boom-baka-chow-wow-wow.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Boom-baka-chow, baka-chow-baka-chow.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Boom-baka-chow-wow-wow.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Boom-baka-chow, baka-chow-wow-wow.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Boom-baka-chow-wow-wow. Boom-baka-chow.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I know I said I'd wait to watch it with you, but Sue just...
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Oh, don't worry about it, I know what she's like.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23She's definitely gone out, hasn't she?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Yeah, just us tonight, love.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- This is nice. - Yeah, so, how's your day been?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Yeah, not bad, yeah.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36You know, Stuart from work is studying reiki.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Really? I've always fancied that.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Yeah, no, I know, I thought we could maybe go along as a couple,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43you know what I mean? It might be a load of rubbish, but...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- CLATTER - Help!- Sue!- Ah!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48You all right? What's happened?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Oh, mate, what happened? You OK?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- Are you all right? - I fell over.- Oh, mate.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Tim, can you get the first-aid kit, please?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- That's jam.- What?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16She's got jam on her arm, there's pips in it.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Yeah. I fell over and I landed on some jam.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Why? What? Did you have jam in your pocket or...?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25We're always getting sent jam, aren't we, Mel?
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Because of the show.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Our fans send us jam.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Yeah, we have been sent some jam in the past, yeah.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- I just thought that...- Can you just make some tea, please, Tim?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38'No-one sent in any jam.'
0:10:38 > 0:10:41That was my jam, the expensive jam that I bought last week.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43She's using my own jam against me.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Tim, I'm so sorry I spoilt your big, sexy, romantic night in.
0:10:47 > 0:10:53Seriously, Tim. Timmy. Timmy-Tim-Tam.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Justin Timberlake, Timmy Mallet, Tim'll fix it.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I do love you.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I said, "I love you."
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- I love you too, Sue.- Aw.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20With an open door to Vincent's clients, we were able to ask
0:11:20 > 0:11:24the stars some more pertinent questions about their celebrity.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26How important is an education?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Well, I went to school on Albert Square, so, unfortunately,
0:11:30 > 0:11:34my classroom was just a set with no actual teachers in it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37How important is an education?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39What is this? Question Time?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41What you going to ask me next?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What's your social housing policy? You mucking me off, mate?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I guess it probably was important, wasn't it?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Back in the days, before predictive text.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I can't really tell you what it's like to live a life with one,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56but I'm happy without one.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00But then again, I am under 30 and worth about 140 million,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03so I might not be the best person to ask.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Well, it's incredibly important.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Unless you're lucky enough to make a career out of liking stuff
0:12:09 > 0:12:13and then not liking stuff, then it makes no bloody difference.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Absolutely vital.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19If there's one thing that's got me where I am today,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21it's knowing my Gurkhas from my burkas
0:12:21 > 0:12:22and my merkins from my gherkins.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Well, there were two things that we learnt at the school of comedy.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29The art of sarcasm.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Said sarcastically there. She's a master.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32And, of course, a good pun.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Which is harder to beat than a boiled egg.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- Punderful work there, my bosom buddy.- Thank you.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Thankfully, Pete Beale steps in and taught me everything he knew,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44which was some basic acting
0:12:44 > 0:12:47and how to run a fruit and veg stall.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49So I will always have that to fall back on
0:12:49 > 0:12:51if lesbian Sonia goes tits up.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Shall I tell you something?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I just adore travelling,
0:12:58 > 0:13:02from the asphyxiating heat of the Abyssinian scrub
0:13:02 > 0:13:05to the hawkish, bitter winds of the Siberian tundra,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08and I cannot wait to get started on my latest adventure.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Jo Lumley has an incredible gift for seeing the exotic
0:13:15 > 0:13:17in every place she visits.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Unfortunately, she also has an incredible gift for burning money.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25So, me and her travel log producers have come up with a plan
0:13:25 > 0:13:26to save us all a few quid.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Aloha.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Shalom.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44The fact is, people will tune in to watch Jo-Jo's travel logs
0:13:44 > 0:13:46wherever she goes.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48So, really, you could send her anywhere,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50which is exactly what we've done.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Now, I've been sent on my travels to this wonderful little haven.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58The locals call it Potters Bar.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Isn't this the most charming lobby?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Full of promise and endless possibility.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Oh, and look, look what's happening here, do you see? Oh.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14This is the local currency. Isn't it scrumptious?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15And as light as a souffle.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20You pop it in this little secret crevice here and then just
0:14:20 > 0:14:23press some things and, oh, look, do you see, can you believe it?
0:14:23 > 0:14:27It twists and curls like an eel, caught in a boatman's net.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Can I help you?- Hello.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- Do you have your booking reference? - I'm sure I've got something.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39If my many thrilling adventures have taught me one thing,
0:14:39 > 0:14:43it's to expect the unexpected and make sure one has packed
0:14:43 > 0:14:45the absolute essentials.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Don't worry.- Oh, lovely.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54If I can offer one piece of wisdom while exploring, it is this.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Take care of your hosts and your hosts will take care of you.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Now, will you be a doll and tell the bellboy
0:15:00 > 0:15:04he's in for a little treat when he brings my bag-gage
0:15:04 > 0:15:05up to the bedchamber?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Not like that, you filthy-minded tykes.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Namaste.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Hello, please take a seat.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18In London's Soho, Natalie Cassidy has arrived for her casting
0:15:18 > 0:15:21opposite Hollywood A-lister Morgan Freeman.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Natalie Cassidy, represented by Vincent Mann, Mann Management.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Reading for Cockney astronaut.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Great, thanks.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35And who's this?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39They said it was OK if Dad came in, Mr Morgan Freeman.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41He don't like being on his own in case a dog comes.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43It's ever since his accident...
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Just read the lines, kid.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Right, yeah, course. Sorry.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I'll read Blake's lines. That's not going to put you off, is it?
0:15:51 > 0:15:56No, I've done scenes with Steve McFadden, nothing could put me off.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Right. OK. Action.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06but what's the point of having oxygen if I haven't got love?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09MORGAN AND NATALIE'S DAD: Of course you've got love,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11you've got the love of everybody back home on planet Earth.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- Sorry, Pops. Could you just...- What? - Shh, Daddy, quiet.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- What?- Just shh.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Sorry, Mr Freeman.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23It's OK, it's fine. Go again.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30but what is the point of oxygen if I haven't got love?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33BOTH: Of course you've got love. You've got the love...
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Dad!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- What?- You're doing it again.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I never.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Yeah, you did. Let Mr Freeman do his Blake.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Sorry. It's fine.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Go again.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I know we've only got 24 hours of oxygen, Blake,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53but what is the point of having oxygen if I haven't got love?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- BOTH: Of course you've got love. - Dad!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Jesus, just keep going.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00BOTH: You've got the love of everybody back home on planet Earth.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02But what if one of us doesn't make it, Blake?
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Why did you come here if not to explore your feelings?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09BOTH: I came here to explore Mars, goddammit!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12HE GARGLES AND CHOKES LOUDLY
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Yeah, I think it went well in the end.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Fingers crossed we'll be looking for a house to rent in LA soon.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Course, we'll have to go by boat, cos Dad won't fly.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Should look into that, actually. Pass me the iPad.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40A voyage becomes all the more rewarding if one takes the time
0:17:40 > 0:17:43to acquaint themselves with the locals.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Despite the language barrier,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I can see that Mariola is a travelling merchant
0:17:48 > 0:17:50and she's just been showing me these...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Show them, Mariola.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I feel like a giantess.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02And look at these, can you see? Oh.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Soft as butter from the churn.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07How much for these, Mariola?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10This for room, not for sale.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Such a proud people.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I'll take them all, you lucky girl.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27No-one in show business works harder than Cheryl Cole,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Tweedy, Ferdinand...whatever.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Unfortunately, Cheryl's ferocious appetite for
0:18:32 > 0:18:35a new challenge also applies to her relationships.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Last I heard, she's got a new love in her life.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Yes, it's true.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45This time I've found a kindred spirit
0:18:45 > 0:18:49who I know I can properly trust in for the rest of me whole life.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53This is Buster. Say hello, Buster.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I named him after the film by Phil Collins, you know.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59When him and Julie Walters go loco in Acapulco.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Buster doesn't care one bit that I'm Cheryl from Girls Aloud
0:19:02 > 0:19:06and I don't care that he's Buster from wherever me assistant
0:19:06 > 0:19:07got him from.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11I'm going to love Buster forever and ever. Aren't I, sweetheart?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14You know, I'm not saying it's all plain sailing,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16he doesn't always pay us enough attention,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20sometimes I'm pouring me heart out to him and I look over and
0:19:20 > 0:19:23he's just licking his own balls, over and over and over again.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27The little bastard has no respect for us whatsoever.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31I mean, I'm Cheryl from Girls Aloud and he's just a dog,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34we come from different worlds.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I'll never be able to watch Phil Collins ever again.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40And it's all this little shit's fault.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- SOBBING:- Take it away from us.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47When he's not on the set of EastEnders,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Danny Dyer can often be found working from home in his man shed.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- PHONE RINGS - Oi-oi.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Vincent, me old son.- Yeah, Danny.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Good news, mate. You're up for an award.- Oh, yeah?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04What is it? Another MTA or one of the big ones?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Oscars and that.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Not an Oscar. It's Rear of the Year.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Are you having a babble? That's better than a moody Oscar.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Fucking get in! Really?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Mate, me and my little April.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18You call your bum April?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20April and Paris, Aris,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Aristotle, bottle, bottle and glass,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24it's a quicker way of saying arse, mate.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Makes sense. Congratulations.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Oh, I'm made up, proper get in, do you know what I mean?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Better write me speech.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Cheers.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40And the winner is...Danny Dyer!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42HE IMITATES APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Behind every great man is a great bum.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53And it's been one hell of a journey for me and my Aris.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I've sat on it, I've had it whipped by a stripper.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00I've even had a quack look up it when I had the old Harry Styles.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Now I'm up there with all the previous winners,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06like Kylie, Olly Murs and all that firm.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10But all that don't mean nothing without you mob out there, the fans.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13And then, uh...
0:21:14 > 0:21:15..I bend over...
0:21:17 > 0:21:18..and show 'em the goods.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25It's really, really sad that it didn't work out with Buster.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30But they say if you love someone, set them free.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35So I got me assistant to set Buster free in a lay-by,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37just off the A42.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39And, you know, it all worked out for the best,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41because if I hadn't dumped him,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I wouldn't have found Pierre.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Say hello, Pierre.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Me and little Pierre are made for each other.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53He's just so mellow and considerate.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56And he just looks so wise and that.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Me and Pierre are totally on the same level.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02It's almost like we can read each other's minds.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I know what you're thinking, don't I, babe?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07You're thinking that you're going to love me forever.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10What else are you thinking?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Have you got something to say, pet?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Well, if you don't tell me, how am I supposed to guess?
0:22:17 > 0:22:21You know, it's not all plain sailing. No relationship is.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Pierre has his dark moments,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26where he retreats into his shell and just ignores us.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28The ungrateful little slaphead.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I wouldn't mind, but after all I done for him,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34taking him out of the shoebox and getting me assistant
0:22:34 > 0:22:36to buy him some lettuce, you'd think the moody little helmet
0:22:36 > 0:22:38would be a bit more bloody grateful.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Who the hell does he think he is?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Coming into Cheryl from Girls Aloud's house,
0:22:42 > 0:22:46eating me lettuce and ignoring me, the little bald bastard.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- VIOLIN PLAYS - Take it away from us.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56So, we find ourselves in the hub of the hostelry.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00It's my guess that this is the original Potters Bar
0:23:00 > 0:23:02where ceramicists would gather,
0:23:02 > 0:23:06compare earthenware and smoke shisha pipes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Shall we join the natives?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Konnichiwa.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- What?- Aren't you Joanna Lumley?
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Oh, dear, the curse of The New Avengers strikes again.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Yes, it is she, but it doesn't seem possible, does it?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25So, tell me, which trade do you ply?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- We're carpet salesmen. - Oh, how magnificent.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Not really.- Oh, don't be coy.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Carpets are the foundation of existence, the very backbone
0:23:34 > 0:23:38of our evolutionary leap from savage to sophisticate.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Now, unfurl your most exquisite Turkish rug and let's barter.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Well, we specialise in polypropylene and bio-based polymer weaves
0:23:47 > 0:23:48with non-chlorinated vinyl backing.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Oh, how divine, you simply must tell me everything.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Now, give this to the local innkeeper and tell him to
0:23:55 > 0:23:59furnish us with his finest boo and plenty of it.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I'll have a pint of Stella. And a Jagerbomb.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Oh, fill your boots.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08I have a sneaking suspicion that this encounter
0:24:08 > 0:24:09may well consume the day.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Well, there's no harm in a little
0:24:11 > 0:24:13ein klein joie de nuit now, is there?
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Now, tell me, gentlemen, why are your carpets so perfectly small?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23One should truly experience a destination,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27so, I'm hosting a soiree, one can't put a price on that,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I certainly don't.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- Come, come. - POP MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Look, isn't this enchanting?
0:24:35 > 0:24:39All my fabulous new friends have joined me, and in return,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I've laid on a banquet from the twisty treaty box.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back
0:24:44 > 0:24:46to this delightful traditional game.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- Oh, fabulous.- Snap.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Oh, do I forfeit again?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Silly old Jo-Jo.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Oh, fun, fun, fun.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00# Told them I was gonna blow back When I was in the south
0:25:00 > 0:25:02# Go low, go low Everybody go low. #
0:25:02 > 0:25:04SHE SIGHS
0:25:06 > 0:25:07What could I not live without?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Cor, that's a toughie.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Same as most people, Viva Forever by the Spice Girls.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16I couldn't live without my Samsung Galaxy,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19my Twitter account, BlackBerry...
0:25:19 > 0:25:23I couldn't live without my two best friends,
0:25:23 > 0:25:24my boobicles.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Facebook, Vine account, MacBook, Instagram account,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32iPad, oh, and the kids.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35What could I not live without? Oh, I've got three things.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40My panda onesie, my strawberry lip balm and my old pal-amaroo, Sue.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Third. I was third on that list.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45She's joking.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49That's Kenneth and that's Isaac. No, hang on.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52That's Kenneth and that's Isaac, yeah.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56They've always been so supportive, they even clap when I run.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Fair whiz, fair whiz.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Oh, they're my besties...my breasties!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh, good Lord, that's moist.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Ahh, loads of jokes there for you to choose from.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11I'd probably go for Storage Wars and Dairylea Dunkers.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Ideally together.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Yes.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18# Look at me
0:26:18 > 0:26:20# You know what you see. #
0:26:20 > 0:26:24With his speech written and rehearsed, Danny is making
0:26:24 > 0:26:27some final preparations for his appearance at Rear of the Year.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29# Look at me You know what you see. #
0:26:29 > 0:26:32PHONE RINGS
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- 'Allo.- Yeah, Dan, Vinny.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Sorry, mate, bit of a mix-up.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43You've actually won Bell-End of the Year from the NME.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Bell-End of the Year?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Yeah, sorry, crossed wires, mate.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50You mean to say I haven't won Rear of the Year,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53but instead I've won an award for me Hampton?
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Sort of.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Fuck it, an award's an award.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Better tweak me speech.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Well, well, well, who's a clever boy, then?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Come on, then, let's have a look at ya.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16'My fabulous adventure has come to an end, and so with a heavy heart
0:27:16 > 0:27:19'it's time to say bon voyage to Potters Bar.'
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Yassou, there you are.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26I was worried I'd lost you in the souk.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Now, I have to tell you something, I have had the wildest of times,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32fabulous.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I've made friends by the dozen,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36compadres for life
0:27:36 > 0:27:39and I'll be very sad bidding adieu to Potters Bar.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44There we are, darling, that's for you. Thank you.
0:27:46 > 0:27:51Oh, so many zeros. The inflation in these Third World provinces
0:27:51 > 0:27:53must be crippling to the locals.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Would you be a dear and send that to my agent? Thank you.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59And do add something for yourself, I insist.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05490 quid on toiletries?!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Hang on... 220 quid on Monster Munch?!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I get it, someone's winding me up.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Right?
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Shame it didn't work out with Pierre, but I've moved on.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23This is...
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Take it away from us.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# Why look so awfully tragic?
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# Put on a happy face
0:28:35 > 0:28:37# Smiling can work like magic
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# Put on a happy face
0:28:40 > 0:28:43# Why do you mope around so sourly?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46# It's such a strain
0:28:46 > 0:28:57# Just put on a happy face. #