0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Oh...butterfingers!
0:00:07 > 0:00:11EastEnders star Natalie Cassidy has come up with a plan
0:00:11 > 0:00:14to give something back to the local community
0:00:14 > 0:00:15by setting up a fame school.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Well, I've learned a lot from my career in showbiz on EastEnders
0:00:19 > 0:00:21from 1993 to 1998,
0:00:21 > 0:00:242002 to 2005,
0:00:24 > 0:00:26and 2011 to the present day.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30And I would like to leave a legacy so that young, talented people
0:00:30 > 0:00:33from around here also have the opportunity
0:00:33 > 0:00:35to live the life that I've got.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- Nat, where's my bollock cream? - I told ya.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41It's in the biscuit drawer.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45The first thing I need to do is drum up some business.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47This is toothpaste.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51No, it ain't, it just looks like toothpaste, Dad.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Don't put it in your mouth.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27This is Mann Management,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30one of the UK's foremost celebrity talent agencies.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Their illustrious client base is managed by agent to the stars
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Vincent Mann.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39What does it take to be a great agent?
0:01:39 > 0:01:45The capacity to see talented, often fragile human beings as livestock.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49In an unprecedented move, he's given our documentary crew
0:01:49 > 0:01:54unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58one of whom is EastEnders star and sometime fitness guru
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Natalie Cassidy.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- What's all this crap over the floor? - It's not crap. It's me future.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I'm doing me fame school, ain't I?
0:02:10 > 0:02:14You can't just set up a fame school, Natalie, you ain't got no pupils.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16That's what these flyers are for, silly.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19They're queueing round the block for Joe Swash's pooch parlour.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Gie's a look.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Mind my nails.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- Who's Natalie Cassipy? - Oh, you're double-joking!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Oh, bloody hell!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I've just done 3,000 of these and a giant banner.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36I've just done all the traffic lights.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Is that why you're dressed as a lollipop lady?
0:02:38 > 0:02:42No, you doughnut, I've been sticking laminated posters on the lampposts
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- from here to the trunk road. - Why, Nat?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Well, the traffic's a nightmare, ain't it?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It's a captive audience, Kat.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Oh, bloody hell, what are we going to do?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I ain't got time for reprints, and the first class is in four hours.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Don't look at me. It's Fat Karen's hen-do tonight.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Do they do red Tippex?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Dad? Can you Google red Tippex?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I'm doing me bollocks.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08After that, can you Google red Tippex?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14No?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Oh, dear, dear, dear.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25With a burgeoning roster of celebrity clients,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28the operation of Mann Management requires some careful planning.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31A job that is the sole responsibility
0:03:31 > 0:03:33of Vincent's assistant Rachel.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37This is my new schedule.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41It's a block system because time is made from blocks,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I saw that on Brian Cox.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Anyway, today is a good test of the new system
0:03:45 > 0:03:48because today is my birthday.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50So I'm hoping to knock off a bit early
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- and go out for a meal with my family.- Who?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54This is your family, Rach.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56It is, Vin, but I'm talking about my real family.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Well, this family pays your wages. How's that for real?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I'll level with you, it's not an ideal day to try and get away early.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I'm looking after Adele.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Hello.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12It's me.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I mean, it is Rachel's birthday
0:04:14 > 0:04:17and I would look after Adele myself, but, you know...
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I'm having a nightmare day, right?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Colette, who looks after my dog when I'm working,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26has been called up the school because her Jackson
0:04:26 > 0:04:28has been throwing Lil-Lets around in double French.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30He reckons he thought they were devil bangers,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33but Miss Taylor's gone all feminist since she's seen Suffragettes
0:04:33 > 0:04:36and sent him out. He's crawled out underneath the maths hut
0:04:36 > 0:04:39and now Colette's trying to coax him out with a king-size Snickers.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Well, all we've got today is the press junket for the new album.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Yeah, I do feel for Colette, but her sister Lauren is
0:04:44 > 0:04:48proper going through it, yeah, cos Chinese Barry is standing
0:04:48 > 0:04:51outside her house for an hour every lunchtime.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53And the police won't move him on cos he's always eating
0:04:53 > 0:04:55a sandwich and wearing aviators,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57so you can't actually prove he's watching her illegally.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00The junket's in half an hour, so the quicker we get going...
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Yeah, I just need one quick stop-off before we get there, though,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- cos me nan always has a knuckle of pork on a Friday.- Yeah.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08She'll only have pork from Tony's in Tottenham cos she feels sorry
0:05:08 > 0:05:12for him ever since his wife fell off that ladder and onto them twins.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13You can always do it after.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15And I would do it after, but I've got to go Supervets to pick up
0:05:15 > 0:05:19dog paracetamol cos Bruce is having his balls cut off on Monday.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Oh, have I told you about Leanne's sunburn?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Can you tell me in the car?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25All she wanted was a base tan before her and Carl go Thailand.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28He does that Krav Maga, but he hasn't had a fight since he was 11
0:05:28 > 0:05:29when he killed a postman by accident.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I'm not even joking. One punch, straight out.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35But Geordie Kevin got hold of some proper strong skunk...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42In an attempt to salvage her fame school promotion,
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Natalie Cassidy has found a solution to her printing predicament.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52That's come up lovely, that has.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54That's a relief.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Anyone would think that was a D and not a P now, wouldn't they?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Ooh! - PHONE RINGS
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Business head on.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Hello.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Yes, the classes will go on for two hours with a break in the middle
0:06:07 > 0:06:10for crisps, tea and parental smoking.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Sorry, I can't hear you, you're going to have to shout.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Hello?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Hey, Sonia, where's the trumpet?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Well, you'll find out if you come to me class, won't ya?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21CAR HORN TOOTS
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Excuse me, sorry, I'm on the trunk road.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27No, we've not got a Facebook page.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30No, we've not got a Twitter page.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32CAR HORNS BLARE
0:06:32 > 0:06:34No, we've not got a website.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39They're coming round again.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Yes, I am very excited.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47We've got a venue up the Centre, we've already had three inquiries.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49One was Kat asking for me to bring the car back,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52but that's still two, ain't it?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I know it don't seem much, but what's it people say?
0:06:55 > 0:06:59From tiny acorns massive trees do grow. Don't they?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06It's a rare day off for TV's Gregg Wallace.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07But even in his downtime,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11the renowned presenter finds it hard to truly switch off.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12I like it.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I like it.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- I don't like it.- Excuse me?- Hello.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Are you that Gregg who eats other people's food off the telly?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Yes, I am, love. - Do you think I could have a selfie?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Of course you can, my love.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26My friends will never believe I met that bloke who eats
0:07:26 > 0:07:28other people's food off the telly.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- My phone's in here somewhere. - No rush.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33You got two minutes!
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- Here it is.- Right.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- Yes!- I've got to tell you, I really like the way you like some things
0:07:40 > 0:07:42and you don't like other things.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I like that you like that.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I like your boots, but I do not like your hair.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- Classic.- Your time's up!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Time to start plating up.- Legend.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00With an open door to Vincent's clients, we were able
0:08:00 > 0:08:05to ask the stars some more pertinent questions about their celebrity.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Who would I ask to a fancy dinner party?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Well, I'd probably have to invite Dad,
0:08:11 > 0:08:16so it would be Dad, Duncan from Blue and my hero, Sally Gunnell.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Mega.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Ben Shephard, Reggie Yates,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Caroline Flack, Gino D'Acampo,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Scott Mills, Grimmy, of course,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Alexa Chung and Stephen Mulhern.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31How good does that sound?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Bobby Moore, Hitler and Gandhi.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39We'd have vegetarian sushi served up on a naked Playboy bunny.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Gandhi'd love that.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43If I was being pushed,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46it would have to be all 20 of the Chippendales
0:08:46 > 0:08:48drunk and out of their tiny minds.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I'll have a fantasy lock-in and I'll invite my pals -
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Bagels, Tommo and a few birds from me manor.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01And ET, I'd love to get right on it with ET.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Well, there's me, darling Binky, Boo-Boo, Corky,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Dame P, Buffy, Duffy, Stuffy,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Mags, Gentry and a Gurkha or three.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Fabulous.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13That's a no-brainer.
0:09:13 > 0:09:19I'd invite all me best girls - Kimberly, Nicola, Sarah...
0:09:19 > 0:09:22and that sour-faced Irish cow whose name escapes me.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Like all revolutionary ideas,
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Russell Brand's dream to build the perfect society needs financing.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36So Russell has gathered some potential investors
0:09:36 > 0:09:39via a classified advert in the local newspaper.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45It is time to show our omnipresent overlords
0:09:45 > 0:09:49that if the people sing with one voice and invest heavily,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52that anything is possible.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Behold Utopia!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Yes, my liege? - It looks like Center Parcs.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05To the unenlightened, maybe.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08But to the enlightened, it looks like a Shangri-La
0:10:08 > 0:10:11of wonderment and hope with absolutely no affiliation
0:10:11 > 0:10:14with any roofed holiday resort whatsoever.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Any other questions?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Any questions not related to Center Parcs?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25As a staunch proletarian, Russell has come up with
0:10:25 > 0:10:29an ingenious method to make living in Utopia affordable for everyone.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33I'm offering a once-in-a-lifetime deal
0:10:33 > 0:10:35where multiple parties can purchase
0:10:35 > 0:10:38allotted time periods in the same home,
0:10:38 > 0:10:43so that everyone can get to live in Utopia for a few weeks a year.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Like a time-share?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47It is not a time-share.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50No.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51It's a time-share.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56This is a unique and bespoke system by which several families
0:10:56 > 0:11:00can use chalet dwellings at different seasonal intervals.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Well, that's a time-share. - It is not a time-share.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Time-share, time-share...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08A-ha! Time-share.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11"The arrangement whereby several joint owners..."
0:11:14 > 0:11:17OK, it might be a time-share.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20So, how much is it to invest?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Not much, just got to cover the overheads -
0:11:23 > 0:11:24the mucking out of the zoo animals,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27pay for the upkeep of the chocolate fountain,
0:11:27 > 0:11:28meditation patio and whatnot.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29So, how much?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32£1.2 million each.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33ALL GASP
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Well, it's a small price to pay for harmony.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Here, Trevor, you're a normal person. Is that too much?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50At Tony's butcher's in Tottenham,
0:11:50 > 0:11:55global megastar Adele is buying a knuckle of pork for her nan.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58For Rachel, this is a serious threat to her birthday celebrations.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01She wasn't there because she was actually on a blind date
0:12:01 > 0:12:03with Johnny who does haircuts at Hobbs.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05He does them muscleman competitions even though he's
0:12:05 > 0:12:07only got four fingers on his cutting hand.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09He says it actually makes him faster, but it don't - gutted.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Adele, I'm just going to say, we're two hours late now,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13so maybe just order your nan's meat.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Yeah, cos meat is the only thing Johnny can eat now apart from
0:12:16 > 0:12:17oatcakes and boiled sweets,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- cos them protein shakes have proper blocked up his arsehole.- Oh.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23He has to do Pilates before he craps so his intestines relax,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- which is no good at work cos they ain't got the floor space.- Please.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Everyone thinks Pilates is just like yoga,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30but Debbie can't do yoga cos she borrowed her brother's
0:12:30 > 0:12:33football boots for hockey and now her knees point together.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Knuckle of pork, Tony!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36She wants a knuckle of pork.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Sorry. I'm just quite conscious of time.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Gutted.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57The big moment has finally arrived for Natalie Cassidy's Fame School.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59And with her students due at any moment,
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Nat has come prepared to impart her showbiz wisdom.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I just hope I've brought enough snacks.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10I've got red and orange squash, mini quiches, Bacon Fries,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13oh, and some Quavers for veggies on the side
0:13:13 > 0:13:15and for the ones with the religious diets.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Well, diversity is part of our Fame School's remit, ain't it?
0:13:23 > 0:13:28Right, so, a little birdie tells me that you lot want to be famous.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Am I right?
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Well, let me tell you - acting, dancing, singing,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39fitness videos, presenting the health lottery, it ain't easy.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43And I didn't become lesbian Sonia out of EastEnders overnight,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I can tell you.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46DOOR OPENS
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Excuse me, we've got this room booked
0:13:49 > 0:13:52for Kimberley Walsh's Fame Academy of Excellence.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Blimey, that's a good name.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56No, you can't, Kimberley, there must be a mistake.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Nat Cassidy's Fame School is on Thursdays in the main hall now.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Says who? - Says me, I sorted it with Jill.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Well, they've double-booked, then.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08You'd better go and find Jill and get your money back, eh, love?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Oh, you're mega-joking!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Can't we come to some sort of arrangement?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Maybe we could split the hall in half.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18What, mix Kimberley Walsh's Fame Academy of Excellence
0:14:18 > 0:14:21with Natalie Cassipy's Fame School?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I don't think so, do you?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You've got to ask yourself, Nat, what really qualifies you
0:14:27 > 0:14:29to be giving fame lessons anyway?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30EastEnders.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Girls Aloud.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- The Health Lottery.- Shrek Musical.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Strictly.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Strictly.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Where did you come, then? - Fifth out of 16.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Second. That's runner-up.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44I win.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49The Kimberley Walsh Fame Academy of Excellence is now welcoming
0:14:49 > 0:14:53new students at a discount fee. For today only.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I guess that's show business, ain't it, Nat?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02She's right actually, kids, that is show business.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04You could learn a lot from her.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Here, have a sausage roll, anyway.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Go on, then, fill your boots.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13'Turns out, teaching people to be famous'
0:15:13 > 0:15:16is even more cut-throat than being famous.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Ooh, I'd better get that banner off the trunk road.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I can't leave it there now there's no Fame School.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25It's basically litter with my name on it.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Well, Natalie Cassipy's name on it.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32At Mann Management,
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Vincent has been called in to an emergency meeting with Danny Dyer.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Danny has bad news. He's been the victim of a cyber crime.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- Well, how bad is it?- It's a sex tape thing, it ain't good.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- But who's in it?- Me.- I know, but who's the other person?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- Well, it ain't that simple, Vin. - Don't tell me it's persons. Plural.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51- No.- What is it, a bloke?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- No, it's just me. - It's a sex tape with just you in it?
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Yeah.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- Having a Barclays, banging one out. - But who filmed it?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Done it on my selfie stick.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03One-handed.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Someone's nicked it off my iCloud.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08All right. Give me the details and I'll sort it.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11If this blows up, you're going to need to clean your image up a bit.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14You need a political issue.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Russell Brand, Charlotte Church, done them all right.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Anything you're passionate about?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I think there's too many disabled parking spaces everywhere.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Yeah, don't tell people that. What about...
0:16:25 > 0:16:26..BADGERS?!
0:16:26 > 0:16:27People love badgers.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Done wonders for Brian May.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Get involved with the badger cull. Make yourself look caring.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34And film yourself doing it.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Sweet. I'll get me selfie stick.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42WHISTLING
0:16:45 > 0:16:49My advice to someone trying to make it in showbiz would be this.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52If you want something you've never had,
0:16:52 > 0:16:53just go out there,
0:16:53 > 0:16:54grab it with both hands,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56and stick it in your mouth!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Job done! Lovely!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00One piece of advice.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Teeth.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04They're your passport to success, darling.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Look after them,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07treat them like your best friend,
0:17:07 > 0:17:08and take them out occasionally.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Get your boat out there.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Earn yourself a bit of bees and honey,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15but when it gets right on top,
0:17:15 > 0:17:16look after your swede,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19and your swede will look after you. I can't put it plainer than that.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Easy, mate. Just be fricking amazingness.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Think of an idea, anything will do.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Tweet it, Instagram it,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27get it on your Facebook, Vine it,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Snapchat it, bit of Pinterest,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31and then make shed loads of wonga.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Just came to me, mate. Ha!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Easy peasy.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Get yourself a catchphrase. Mm-hm!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Go on, Sue, give them what they want.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39And baaaaaaake.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Classic! Again?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43And baaaaaaake.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Top Of The Pops!
0:17:44 > 0:17:45And baaaaaaake.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Never gets boring!
0:17:47 > 0:17:48And baaaaaaake.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53One piece of advice for someone trying to make it into showbiz...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Your safest bet is probably Kate Moss.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01This is where I'm going to have a meditation...
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Having failed with the classified advert,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Russell Brand's last hope is a couple of would-be investors
0:18:06 > 0:18:09that he's found via a Twitter appeal.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12I love Russell Brand.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13He's so funny.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I love it when he talks about his winkle.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21He doesn't talk about his winkle enough any more.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23While Stuart is clearly sold,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25wife Hannah is going to take a little more persuasion.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27So, what do you think?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Wow, it's amazing, Russell!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Is this it?
0:18:31 > 0:18:36This virgin slice of Albion land is a barren canvas of possibility.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37No, it's a shithole.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39HE GUFFAWS
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Are you a heckler, Hannah?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Cos I will have you removed!
0:18:42 > 0:18:43She's not a heckler, Russell.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Then on with the tour.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49(What does he mean by that?)
0:18:49 > 0:18:50You're heckling him.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55I myself will teach each child an array of different subjects,
0:18:55 > 0:18:56and at the age of 16,
0:18:56 > 0:19:01the child will be released into the wild to fend for itself
0:19:01 > 0:19:02with just a small packet of seeds
0:19:02 > 0:19:04and a Krishna statue.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05What do you reckon?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07It sounds like total bullshit.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Will you just excuse me for a minute?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Trevor, I want her removed.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22There is no room in our egalitarian society for any form of dissent.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26That's not the spirit of Utopia, is it, Russell?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I refer you to my previous statement.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34'Scuse me, love.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Would you like to have a look at the holistic ball pool
0:19:36 > 0:19:37that Russell's got me digging?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Depends how far away it is.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40- It's the other side of the field. - From him?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- Mm.- Yeah.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I just came up with holistic ball pool.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I don't even know what that is.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50It's up to you, Stu.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52But do you know who else lets his wife
0:19:52 > 0:19:54help decide important life matters like this?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Robert Mugabe.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Really?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00And do you know who forgets all of the negativity
0:20:00 > 0:20:02and just goes with his heart?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Bono.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07So the question you need to ask yourself is,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09do you want to be Robert Mugabe
0:20:09 > 0:20:11or Bono?
0:20:11 > 0:20:12I want to be Bono, Russell.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Course you do.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15So what do you say? Do we have a deal?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16I'll have to talk to Hannah.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Can I be honest with you, Stu?
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Hannah is not on the same spiritual plane as you, and as a result...
0:20:25 > 0:20:26..is not welcome here.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Can I be honest with you, Russell?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I haven't got a pot to piss in.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32She's the one with the money.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Hold up, Trevor!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I need an Arcadian confab with Hannah!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Do you think he'll sign my T-shirt if I ask him?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Having finally delivered Adele to the press junket,
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Rachel is clinging to the hope
0:20:48 > 0:20:51that she might still make it to her birthday celebrations.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55She only finished with him when he met that Bulgarian pole dancer,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57who ended up going on Love Island with that Arsenal defender
0:20:57 > 0:20:59with the dreadlocks. Gutted.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Lovely. Thank you.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Not sure that's strictly what I was asking, but...- Yes.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05The answer's yes.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06She did play some drums in the single.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Last couple of questions now, please. We're a bit pushed for time.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11What's your favourite memory?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13No memories! No.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Sorry, we'll be here all day.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16OK.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Would you say this album is as autobiographical
0:21:19 > 0:21:20as its predecessors?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Let's answer this with a quick yes or no, shall we? Yes.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Yes. It is.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25(Last question.)
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Seriously? That's my answer?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Seriously. It is.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Last question.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34How's your sister-in-law, Adele?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Lindsay? Yeah, mate.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37I seen her on Tuesday.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40She can only do Tuesdays now cos Andy's moved back in with his mum
0:21:40 > 0:21:42after the baby was born with acid reflux.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44He can't do with the screaming,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46she can't do with the attitude, and now she reckons
0:21:46 > 0:21:49he's been banging that skinny Bex from Ryman's.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52He only likes her cos she gets a 20% discount off lever arch files,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54and rubbers, and protractors.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01The stupidest of the stupid questions we're asked is do you...
0:22:01 > 0:22:02..Mel and Sue...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04BOTH: ..actually live together?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07And the answer to that is a resounding yes, my love.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13There's us, Mel and Sue.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15My cat, Arthur C Clarke.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Our two goldfish, Mel and Sue.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19No relation. ROFL.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Oh, and Tim!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25My husband.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Hello. I'm Tim.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I'm Mel's husband.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29And I live with Mel.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31And Sue.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Tonight is a big night out for Mel and Tim,
0:22:38 > 0:22:39but for Tim,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41getting ready is easier said than done.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45You haven't seen my phone charger, have you, Mel?
0:22:45 > 0:22:46- No, sorry, love.- Oh.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49How about my Oyster card? That's gone missing as well.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Have you seen that?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53No, silly, it's the Pride Of Britain awards, we'll get a cab.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Not without my left shoe, we won't.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Oh! Your stuff keeps going missing at the moment.- I know.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- It's very unlike me, isn't it? - Yeah. Sue looks good, though.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Come here, hunky hubs.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04DOOR OPENS
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Whoa! My eyes!
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Matron, take them away!
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Hello, Sue!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Here, you couldn't help our dear Tim, could you?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12He seems to have misplaced a few things.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14No, really, don't worry about it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15No, go on, Tim. What have you lost?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17You can tell your old mate, Sue.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Hmm? Timbo?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Tim-bot?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Timothy Cricket?
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Tim Jong Il?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I would so love to help you find your things.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26No, really, I'm good, thanks.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31This...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33is what she's got me reduced to.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41She hides my stuff.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44So...what's with the whistle and toot, Timbles?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Going to court? Lol.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Crimes against women, isn't it? You great big lady-killer!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50LAUGHTER
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Yeah, you old dirty sex pest.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53MEL LAUGHS
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Anyway, Sue, me old comedy life partner,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59we've only been invited to the Pride Of BRITAIN awards!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Well, la-di-dah!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I'll polish my dancing trainers
0:24:03 > 0:24:05and give my famous quiff a little bit of a buff.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Actually, Sue, Mel's taking me.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09What?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Thing is, great mate, they only gave me a plus one,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14so I really should take the old husband. El husberino!
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Him indoors.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Tim indoors! Eh-eh?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Sure! Sure! Yeah.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Course, chumble-bum!
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Going to have to find that...
0:24:22 > 0:24:23left shoe, though, aren't you, Tim?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25You really should let me help you.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27You're never going to find that shoe on your own.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Oh, I will.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- I don't think you will. - I'll find it.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Well, you'll have to find it soon, buddy lad,
0:24:32 > 0:24:36I think the Pride Of Britain like attendees in two shoes.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Actually, do you know what? You're right.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42No-one wants to see boring old Mel and Tim.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43You two should go!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Oh, that is just so sweet of you, Tim!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48'She's not going to win.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50'I'm not going to give her the satisfaction.'
0:24:50 > 0:24:54While they're out, I'm going to turn this place upside down.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Badgers.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04What are they?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06British pandas?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Big black and white rats?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Underground dogs?
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Nobody really knows.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Have that, you black and white wrong'un!
0:25:15 > 0:25:16PHONE RINGS
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- How's it going, Danny? - Good, thanks, Vin.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I've done about 15 badgers already.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26What?
0:25:26 > 0:25:27You're shooting them?!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29You're meant to be on their side!
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Hold up.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32GROANING
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Oh, shit!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36That last one was Brian May.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38That better be rhyming slang for something.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Nah.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I just shot Brian May out of Queen.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I done him with me shooter.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45His barnet looks like a badger.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47He's been getting in the way all night.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49You've shot a national treasure?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Get out of there, now!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Is Brian May a national treasure?
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Right, I'm having it on me Marilyns.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Marilyn Monroes, toes.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Oh, me neck, me neck!
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Yeah, that's it.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09While Mel and Sue have been busy at the Pride Of Britain awards,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Tim has been even busier back at the house.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15No, me old bubbleship matey, you're the Pride of Britain!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18No, me old lady chatterbox, you're the...
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Pride of Britain.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Good evening, ladies.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22How was your night?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Actually, before you tell me about your night,
0:26:26 > 0:26:27why don't I tell you about my night?
0:26:27 > 0:26:28I had a great night.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Tonight, I found my shoe,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34and I found my Oyster card,
0:26:34 > 0:26:35and I found my phone charger.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38And can you guess where I found them, Sue?
0:26:41 > 0:26:42I found them...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- CARTOON VOICE:- in de tumbledwyer.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46HE LAUGHS
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Oh, Tim. Poor love.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Has work been getting on top of you again?
0:26:55 > 0:26:56HE ALMOST FORCES A LAUGH
0:26:59 > 0:27:00HE SIGHS
0:27:17 > 0:27:21For Rachel, her day assisting Adele has finally come to an end.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Too late, unfortunately,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24to make her own birthday celebrations.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27"Happy birthday, Rachel!"
0:27:27 > 0:27:28"Oh, thanks, Adele. Thanks."
0:27:30 > 0:27:31PHONE RINGS
0:27:34 > 0:27:35(Oh, please...)
0:27:35 > 0:27:37No more!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Vinnie, I've had a really long day.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Yeah, well, it's about to get a bit longer.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Danny Dyer's gone into hiding.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I don't know where he is,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47but apparently there's press all over his house.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Why's he got press all over his house?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Well, it's either for his one-man sex tape
0:27:51 > 0:27:52or shooting Brian May out of Queen.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Course. What else would it be?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Well, either way, we need to find him, now.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58So, between you and me,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01he has a second, emergency mobile.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Call him on that. The number's on my Rolodex,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05under Ham Sandwich.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08How the hell do you make a one-man sex tape, anyway?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Ohh... Sorry, sweetheart.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13There's no need to answer that.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14'Ere, Rach?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Did I hear you say it's your birthday?
0:28:18 > 0:28:19(Oh, my God.)
0:28:19 > 0:28:23# I'll go it alone
0:28:23 > 0:28:26# That's how it must be
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# I can't be right for somebody else
0:28:30 > 0:28:33# If I'm not right for me
0:28:34 > 0:28:37# I gotta be free
0:28:37 > 0:28:41# Oh, I've just gotta be free
0:28:42 > 0:28:50# Daring to try and to do it or die-e-e-e
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# I gotta be me! #