0:00:08 > 0:00:16This programme contains some strong language
0:00:29 > 0:00:31This is Mann Management,
0:00:31 > 0:00:35one of the UK's foremost celebrity talent agencies.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Their illustrious client base is managed by agent to the stars
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Vincent Mann.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43What does it take to be a great agent?
0:00:43 > 0:00:47An eye for talent, a nose for money and an ear for bullshit.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50In an unprecedented move,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54he has given our documentary crew unlimited access to both his agency
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and his superstar clients.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Here, pay that for me.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- Parking fine? - I said to him, that is outrageous -
0:01:04 > 0:01:07hitting someone with a parking fine when they're at a funeral.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Oh, God, I didn't know you were at a funeral.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I wasn't, I was having me balls waxed, but I could have been.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I mean, that's the point.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Right, what have we got?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Just give me a second to get that image out of my head.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19SHE SIGHS
0:01:19 > 0:01:20No. Still there.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23So, Miranda's in with the police today.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Oh, what's she done?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Has she gone and popped her boob out on The One Show again?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29No, she's with the police. She's doing that documentary.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Right.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Megastar comedian Miranda Hart is determined to
0:01:34 > 0:01:36be taken more seriously.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41With that in mind, she's taking part in a warts-and-all documentary
0:01:41 > 0:01:43following the Metropolitan Police.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47But don't you need to wash at higher temperatures with non-bio?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Oh, yeah, but it's either that or go with bio.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52The enzymes play havoc with my dermatitis.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Er, guys, yawn-o-rama.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58No-one told me I'd signed up to CSI: Persil.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Good joke, thank you, feel free to laugh.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02OK, that's enough.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03And back to me.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Look, this is what modern-day policing is, Miranda.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07There's a lot of waiting about.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10You know, we could quite easily go a whole shift without a single call.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- RADIO:- 'CI 12, come in, over.'
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Awkward!
0:02:15 > 0:02:19CI 12 receiving, Sarge. What's the problem? Over.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22'We have a 1015 civil disturbance in progress on Belvedere Road.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23'Can you attend? Over.'
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Can we attend? I should cocoa.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Tell the little radio voice man that we are definato hot potahto,
0:02:29 > 0:02:30as in potato.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32# Haters gonna hate Potatoes gonna potate. #
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I've literally no idea where I'm going with this!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Please put a sock in it.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Good idea. In it, a sock has been put.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Yeah, 10-4, Sarge.
0:02:40 > 0:02:4110-4, big buddy.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- SHE HISSES - Sock is in mouth.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I repeat, sock is in mouth.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- SHE HISSES - Over. I'm doing that noise myself.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Oh, what japes! Catch 'em, Danno! - ENGINE PURRS
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Up the blues and twos, Smokey and the Bandit.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I'm going to commit a crime soon.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58SIREN WAILS
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Five pounds in a week?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09PHONE RINGS
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Vinnie. Speak.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Vinnie, mate. It's the old Cotton-meister here.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Just had a totes blimming brilliant idea for a new show,
0:03:16 > 0:03:17- me old manager mate.- Great, Fearne.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Let me just grab a pencil.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I firmly believe that this is the golden era of celebrity.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31We will look back on these days like Hollywood looks back on the 1930s
0:03:31 > 0:03:33or fascists reminisce about the '40s.
0:03:33 > 0:03:40Now is the age of "celeb face plus any idea equals potential TV hit".
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Unfortunately, Fearne Cotton is the exception that proves the rule.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48She literally believes that everything she does could be filmed
0:03:48 > 0:03:50and made into a show.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Found my pencil. Shoot.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55So, I was just Instagramming my belly butt-butt,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57and this literally just popped into the old Cotton-box.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Yummy Mummies Look At Their Tummies with Fearne Cotton.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04That's 12 times one hour for ITVBe.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05It just came to me, mate.
0:04:05 > 0:04:0812...hours?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I mean, I'm good, but I'm not that good.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16With an open door to Vincent's clients...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Lads?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20..we were able to ask the stars some more pertinent questions
0:04:20 > 0:04:21about their celebrity.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- CAN HISSES - Oh, fuck it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27The worst thing about being famous?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Constantly being asked where Mel is.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31While I'm clearly stood beside her.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Sorry, did someone just say something?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Lolz.- Of the mega variety.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40The worst thing about being famous is the creeping self-doubt
0:04:40 > 0:04:43and the alienation that comes with a life in the spotlight.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46No, I'm only having a bubble!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48The worst thing about being famous?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Definitely all the trip hazards.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52They're everywhere.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55But thinking back, that's also the worst thing about not being famous.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00It's being at an awards ceremony and queueing up for a Tom Tit,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04and without fail, there'll be some melt spraffing on about EastEnders,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07when all you want to do is lay a bit of cable and crack the fuck on.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Nightmare.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Literally no downsides, mate -
0:05:10 > 0:05:11to anything, ever.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Skills!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I'd say the worst thing about fame is lazy pigeonholing.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Like, if someone was previously known for something else,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23like being crowned three times Shagger Of The Year by The Sun,
0:05:23 > 0:05:27it doesn't mean that that same person can't lead the nation to
0:05:27 > 0:05:29a new spiritual dawn, does it?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Nothing.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Sorry. I've got nothing.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40SIREN WAILS
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Miranda's mission to be taken more seriously has just become
0:05:46 > 0:05:48a lot more serious.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You don't understand! No-one does.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Why don't you come down and explain?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54You can't help.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I've got nothing left.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I'm not coming down.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00It's better for everyone if I...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Are you Miranda...from Miranda?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, no, that's not me any more.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09No, no, I'm doing serious stuff now, like this.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Yeah, we've got this, thanks. - Yeah, step away, please, Miranda.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15No. I want to talk to her.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Awkward!
0:06:17 > 0:06:18For you, that is.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Well, come on, then! Let's have a little what I call tete-a-tete,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24which is French for chinwag.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I've got nothing left to live for, Miranda.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28I've lost everything.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Well, where did you last have it?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Have you checked down the back of the sofa?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Oh, my God, I'm turning into my mother.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Why aren't you doing the show any more?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Because I'm very serious these days.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I'm doing a very serious documentary about the police force
0:06:42 > 0:06:44and how serious it is.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46What, not even a Christmas special?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Definitely not a Christmas special. They're the worst.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Well, that's depressing.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00All right, I suppose I could do some more if you like.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Really?
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Yeah!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Why not?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09And I'd need to come up with some new ideas for the show,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12and because you're a fan, I'm sure you could help.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Well, now you've mentioned it, I've always wanted to be a writer.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17That sounds like fun-times central.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Why don't you come on down?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Leslie Crowther's The Price Is Right!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I've literally no idea where I'm going with THIS!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27HE SCREAMS
0:07:27 > 0:07:29THUD
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Awkward.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36# Get down... #
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Soap actor and hard man Danny Dyer
0:07:39 > 0:07:41has spent over £11,000
0:07:41 > 0:07:43perfecting his shed.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Sweet as a nut, this.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I've got a kettle for a cup of Rosie,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54a fridge full of Wife-beater,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58and a little heater so I can be out here all year round.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And the Wi-Fi reaches from the house.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02HE SNIFFS
0:08:02 > 0:08:05But according to Danny, the privacy of his shed is being challenged
0:08:05 > 0:08:07by some unwanted visitors.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11So, I was in me man-shack having a snout,
0:08:11 > 0:08:12trying to get me loaf together,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16when I see this little geezer about the size of me thumb.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19He comes bowling out of the undergrowth,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21a big grin on his boat.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22He's all dolled up, yeah?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Little green velvet whistle,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27frilly shirt, waistcoat, pointy hat, you know the type.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29He's gone...and then he was off.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Now, I could have handled it the once,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33but then he brought his mates back.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Call them what you like -
0:08:36 > 0:08:38pixies, elves, sprites,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Smurfs, Borrowers,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42little mischievous folk of the forest -
0:08:42 > 0:08:45legends abound about these little nutters.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I wonder what's in that bag.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51The forest folk have led me up the garden path,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54all round the pond and all through the stinging nettles.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I'm getting proper mugged off
0:08:56 > 0:09:00by geezers no bigger than a fun-sized Mars bar.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02You think I'm losing it,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06but something has eaten all the birdseed off the bird table, yeah?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08What could have done that, eh?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13PHONE RINGS
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Vinnie. Speak.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Vinnie, mate - quinoa balls.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18What?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19I've literally just had this idea -
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Quinoa Balls with Fearne Cotton.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23That's 25 eps on BBC Three.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Amazing. Title, Amazeballs!
0:09:27 > 0:09:28It just came to me, mate.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Yeah, I'm not sure anyone wants to see that, Fearne.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I'm not sure you're right there, manager, mate.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I just stuck the old quinoa balls on Instagram -
0:09:35 > 0:09:3612 million likes.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39It might be my age,
0:09:39 > 0:09:43but I don't have the first clue what she's going on about.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Danny Dyer has spent the last hour and a half locked in his shed.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Like that, but without the belt.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55His obsession with the elves is showing no sign of abating.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59This was my little island of calm,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02and now it's under siege from a firm of trickster sprites
0:10:02 > 0:10:04who want to do my nut right in.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I feel like that geezer from Gulliver's Travels,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- whatever his name was. - HE SNIFFS
0:10:12 > 0:10:17In an attempt to secure some concrete proof, Danny heads outside.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20If I get my hands on one of them, I don't know what I'll do -
0:10:20 > 0:10:23give it a dig and then send it on its way,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26or keep it in a matchbox and make it work, darning my socks.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I haven't had a chance to think it through.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32There's one! On you come, son! Let's have it!
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Oh...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Oh, those trickster imps!
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Oh.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Did you get that?
0:10:39 > 0:10:40They are quick when they scarper.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42He even done one of them.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I could hear him giggling, the little fiend.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49PHONE RINGS
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Vinnie. Speak.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Vincent, it's Miranda.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Don't suppose Game Of Thrones have got back, have they?
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Have you done it again?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Yes, Vincent, I've done it again.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00What this time?
0:11:00 > 0:11:01I pushed a man off a roof.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- You've done what?- It's OK, though.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06The clever policeman put a blow-up mattress on the pavement,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08so no-one died this time.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09I don't suppose you can...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Hang on. Go on, Rachel.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Danny Dyer's got an elf problem.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15What is it, his heart? I told him to slow down.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18No, no. He thinks he's seeing elves.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I told him to slow down!
0:11:20 > 0:11:21I'll call you back.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25What now? Unbelievable.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- KNOCK AT DOOR - Who is it?
0:11:38 > 0:11:39It's me, Vinnie. Open up.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Blimey, Dan, you stink.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Come in quick.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Oi, what's all this about you seeing elves?
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Well, look at the evidence, Vin.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Look at this little snail shell.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Who's to say they're not using that as a jug, eh?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55And look at this twig -
0:11:55 > 0:11:57it looks like a little staff, don't it?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Yeah, or it could just be a twig and a shell.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Oh, yeah? Well, how do you explain this, then?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04A little high-heeled shoe.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It's a Barbie shoe. It's from your kids.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08What's going on, Dan?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Your wife's going spare. You've been missing work.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Your neighbours have seen you taking a dump out there -
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I've had to keep that out of the papers!
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I just need another bit of evidence. I am this close, Vin.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19How long have you had that heater on?
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Oh, all the time.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I keep it proper toasty in here for me investigations.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25This place is full of carbon monoxide.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Look at that. The middle circle's turned black!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Open the doors! Get out of here, quick!
0:12:30 > 0:12:31What? Huh?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34That causes hallucinations - it makes you very sick.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Oh, oh, you mean...?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Yeah, you've been poisoned with carbon monoxide. - DANNY CHUCKLES
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You mean the elves have been coming in here,
0:12:41 > 0:12:42titting about with my heater?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44This is next level, Vin.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Look! On the bird table. On your toes, Vin.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Come on, Vin!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Rachel, clear Danny's diary.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57He's got health problems.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00No, HEALTH problems.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02DANNY GROANS
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Who would play me in the film of my life?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10"Miranda: The Movie"? Yes, please!
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Easy, that.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Absolute powerhouse of an actor -
0:13:13 > 0:13:16a lot like Bette Midler, but much, much better than Bette Midler.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Letitia Dean - Sharon from EastEnders.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22What, a film about Cheryl,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25who made it to superstardom from humble beginnings
0:13:25 > 0:13:27in the face of adversity?
0:13:27 > 0:13:28"Cheryl: The Movie"?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31The casting has already started.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Well, I would have to say Marlon Brando.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37You know, someone with a big appetite!
0:13:38 > 0:13:42It would have to be someone pretty deep and fully spiritually evolved,
0:13:42 > 0:13:46so...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Gwen Stefani.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50All the films I've done are basically
0:13:50 > 0:13:51the films of my life, bruv.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I've done Mad Man, Geezer,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Bosh, Hooligan 1,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"Have It, You Muppet"...
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I would play the cha-racter of Mirandy-pants myself, obvs.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04But as it's a movie,
0:14:04 > 0:14:09it would have to be much bigger and more serious than my sitcom Miranda,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12written by and starring me, Miranda,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14that I don't like to talk about.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17..Bosch 2, Bosch Another Day, Hooligan 2,
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Sawn-Off Psycho and...
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Hooligan 3.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23That's what my life is like.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24In the movie,
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I'll probably have to have a sort of car chase
0:14:26 > 0:14:29and get my breasticles out.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Although not at the same time.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- Air-bag overload! - SHE SNORTS
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Good name for a film that, though - Air-Bag Overload.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I have literally no idea where I'm going with this,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40although I am going to write that down.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48A big part of my job is giving my talent the confidence they need
0:14:48 > 0:14:50to go out there and be the best -
0:14:50 > 0:14:52the best actor, the best singer,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54or in Gregg Wallace's case,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56the best eater of pudding.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00To help maintain confidence, some celebrities seek extra help.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03For Gregg Wallace, this is a weekly meeting with
0:15:03 > 0:15:06a leading celebrity self-help guru -
0:15:06 > 0:15:08his brother, Guy Wallace.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11So, how are you today, Gregg?
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Well, I have been feeling a little bit stressed out recently.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Don't get me wrong, I love my job!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I love it! It is lovely!
0:15:21 > 0:15:25But I have been feeling a little bit under pressure
0:15:25 > 0:15:29to constantly like stuff or not like stuff,
0:15:29 > 0:15:30and I don't like it!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33What do you think would be the underlying cause of this stress?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Are you worried that the public will find out you're essentially
0:15:36 > 0:15:38just a barrow boy who likes his food?
0:15:38 > 0:15:42No. They know that already and they couldn't give a monkey's!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Oh, well, maybe this anxiety has deeper roots.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Let's talk about your childhood.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Well, I did always think that I was in competition with you.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54When we was growing up, you were smarter,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56more confident, happier.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58The truth is, Gregg, we were both good kids growing up,
0:15:58 > 0:16:02but our mum and dad set out to discover which one of us
0:16:02 > 0:16:04had that something special,
0:16:04 > 0:16:08and in the end, there can only be one winner.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12And the winner, in our parents' eyes, is...
0:16:20 > 0:16:21..me!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Oh.- Right, that's it, time's up.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Very happy now!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Come on!- Come on!- Let's go!
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Time is up!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- Come on!- Come On!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32THEY CHUCKLE
0:16:35 > 0:16:36At Mann Management,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Vincent has some exciting news for his longest-standing client,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Joanna Lumley. PHONE RINGS
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Listen, Jo-Jo, a big job's come in for you.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Which is it - film, travelogue or Gurkha?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48No, better than that.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It's for the British Government.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Oh, they want me to be a spy - of course they do.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Game old Jo-Jo, taking photos with her fake lippy,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59strangling a man with her naked thighs.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Who else could they choose?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03No, the Government want you to be the face of
0:17:03 > 0:17:05public information films.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07They say the man on the street trusts you, Jo.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Silly man on the street,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10but, oh, so handsome.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Tell them I'll do it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Great. Right. Now, when are you free?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Well, today, darling, today.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- What?- I was meant to be having lunch with Mick Jagger and Ian Botham,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- but I got the wrong date.- Oh, right.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25It turns out barmy old Jo-Jo was looking in her diary from '83.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Great.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30So, send the British Government round tout suite, Vincenzo.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Ciao, darling. Ciao.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Ciao, sweetheart.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Oh, God. I forgot mayonnaise. - SHE SIGHS
0:17:40 > 0:17:44EastEnders star Natalie Cassidy is feeling the strain of
0:17:44 > 0:17:46the work versus life equation.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Kat! Give us a hand, will you?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52The bag's bleeding split.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I've got me work cut right out at the moment, I can tell you.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Don't get me wrong. I ain't complaining.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03It's lovely to be back in the Square.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06As a lesbian, I might add.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11But I've still got a lot on here, what with Dad not being very well.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Dad, I'm back! Are you all right?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I'm on me poker!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19'He's into his third year on the sick, bless him.'
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Reversed over a labrador in his lorry -
0:18:22 > 0:18:23traumatised.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Can't look a dog in the eye.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Won't even go out without his Beats by Dr Dre on
0:18:27 > 0:18:29in case he hears a yelp.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Oh, blimey, that's the pilau buggered.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I've got it all in now.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37If you want something done properly...
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I can't help you now, Nat, my nails are drying.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41You can see that?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Watch that - it's Dad's pilau.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44You should clear that up, Nat.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Oh, thanks for your help(!)
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- I'm not helping.- Yeah, I know.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52'I'm sure that Kat would like to get more involved.'
0:18:52 > 0:18:54She can't help out much, though, what with her modelling.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55I've got me modelling.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57'Tough game, that modelling.'
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Much tougher than the acting, so Kat tells me.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04The last thing she done was that gym advert which was...
0:19:04 > 0:19:05six years ago.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08We have it framed.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12That's her on the right, there -
0:19:12 > 0:19:14her elbow.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16So, what are you getting dolled up for, anyway?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Nothing. Just normal.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Anyway, it's Jason's karaoke up the Prince tonight, ain't it?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23No, sis, it's my turn up Jason's karaoke.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I've been practising on my SingStar.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I've got 87% on my Buffalo Stance - the crowd were going nuts.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Yeah.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Anyway, I'm off.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Me and Kelis are spray-tanning each other in her garage this afternoon.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Oh, you're double joking!
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Does that mean I'm taking Dad up the sick again?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42It's not all about you, Nats. God.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Car keys.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Yeah.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Kelis's garage is only round the corner.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Dad's doctors is up past the big shops.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Oh, hello, friends.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00This isn't just any public information film -
0:20:00 > 0:20:04this is a Joanna Lumley public information film.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08It's being held in reserve should there be a national pandemic of
0:20:08 > 0:20:10an antibiotic-resistant killer flu,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13which, if you're watching this, there has been.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17If someone you know dies,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19cover your mouth and nose,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21and drag the body outside,
0:20:21 > 0:20:25where you must bury it is as far from your dwelling as possible.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27But please remember to mark the grave -
0:20:27 > 0:20:31perhaps with a wooden spoon that you've painted with your own design.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Chin up. Stiff upper lip.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40We're all in this together.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Oh, and I do have to say,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44anyone looting will be shot.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Are you taking me up the sick, then, or what?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Yeah. Here, watch that rice.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Is that my pilau?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Yeah. Sorry, Dad, I dropped it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58You want to try and be a bit more like your sister, Nat.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Kat never drops the rice.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04No. Well, you can't drop it if you're never holding it, can you?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh, no. It's right back here.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15'Every trip out with Dad is a blimming nightmare
0:21:15 > 0:21:16'since his accident.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19'He won't even leave the house until I've done the dog check.'
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Dad, it's all clear!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Dad! It's all clear!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43All right?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Come on, then.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51DOG BARKS
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Oh, blimey.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Dad!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Dad, it's on the lead!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00'It's the same every time.'
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Kat takes the car somewhere,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05and we can't get nowhere cos of the bleeding dogs.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06'He's all right, though,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09'once he gets home and he's on his poker again.'
0:22:09 > 0:22:11You're all right, ain't you, Dad?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I'm on me poker!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I just said that, didn't I?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19PHONE RINGS
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- HE EXHALES - Vinnie. Speak.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Vinnie, mate. Fearne-atron.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Find a pencil.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Yeah, just give me a sec.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31No, that's the name of the fricking show -
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Find A Pencil with Fearne Cotton.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35You will never guess what I was doing.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Were you looking for a pencil, Fearne?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40That is why you earn the big bucks, manager, mate.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44I'm thinking web series, lifestyle, a new upload every blimming day -
0:22:44 > 0:22:47the old Cottonmeister gives you daily tips on how to find a pencil.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It just came to me, mate.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Well, that is...- Hang on, Vince. I haven't finished, mate.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55#Where'sMyBlimmingPencil?
0:22:55 > 0:22:56There. Finished.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Oh, yeah. I forgot to wait for the hashtag.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Like I was saying, great idea, Fearne,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04but I'm not sure it's got mass appeal.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I'm going to stop you there, Vinnie, mate.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I've just put a Vine out - already had 28 million loops.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Amazing! Laters, Vineyard.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18I've never felt older.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21I'm really nervous.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Cocoa nips!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27You confused me, there,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30because you said action and I got my knickers in a twist.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33The most famous person who's said they're a fan of mine?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Cor, don't know.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Probably Nick Grimshaw.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Grimmy!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41He's like the most famous person on the planet right now,
0:23:41 > 0:23:42although he did say he was a fan of mine
0:23:42 > 0:23:45when he was working in a shoe shop in Camden.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Everyone's a fan of mine, though, innit, mate?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Probably easier to think of someone who ain't.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Except it ain't, because everyone I've ever met,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57from Becks to Bill Clinton, worships the ground I walk on.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Mental, isn't it?
0:23:58 > 0:24:02The most famous person who says they're a fan of mine?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I think it was Brad Pitt.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yeah. Brad Pitt.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09# Hello
0:24:09 > 0:24:10# It's me... #
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Yes, it's me. Yes, it's me. Blah, blah, blah.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Fucking hell, when do I get to go home?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18He called me on the telephone, actually,
0:24:18 > 0:24:22after he watched the first episode of Miranda. Yeah.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24He said that he hadn't been this turned on watching a sitcom
0:24:24 > 0:24:27since Mrs Brown's Boys.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31He's not even a real lady, so...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33hello-o.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36The most famous person who's said they're a fan of mine?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Definitely Brian Dowling from Big Brother 2.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45It did my nut in when he came up to me in Club Aquarium in Basildon.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Elvis bloody Presley, darling.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51He still sends me letters from his secret hideaway in Guatemala.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Oh, bugger. I don't think I was meant to say that.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Will you take that out?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- SHE INHALES - Tough one, erm...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00because we've got so many famous fans, but...
0:25:00 > 0:25:01probably Sara Lee.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Yeah, yeah, yeah. That woman really knows her way around a cake.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I'd go so far as to say she's a gateau superstar.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10That was a bit Corny-etto, though, mate.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12That doesn't work, does it, Mel?
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Only joking. It's not one of those dreadful things.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Unfortunately, it's far worse.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26This is a government information film,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28and if you are watching this,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31then there is an imminent, full-scale nuclear assault
0:25:31 > 0:25:34on Great Britain in less than ten minutes,
0:25:34 > 0:25:38and they've asked me to tell you in a smouldering, breathy,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41thinking man's crumpet kind of way, not to panic.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45So, let us maintain that
0:25:45 > 0:25:49stiff upper lip and take a moment to reflect on Great Britain.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51The dizzying confusion of Flying Ant Day,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54the endless conundrum of what saveloys were made of,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57penny sweets, tea towels, Andi Peters...
0:25:57 > 0:25:59What was it all about, eh?
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Goodbye, Great Britain.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02SIREN BLARES
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Oh, bugger.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07SIREN CONTINUES
0:26:10 > 0:26:12DOGS BARK
0:26:12 > 0:26:14At the Cassidy house,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Natalie is ready for a rare night out at her local.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I'm just booking me Uber.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Oh, Aziz, three minutes.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25All right, I'm off down the Prince to see Jason.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27How many times, silly?
0:26:27 > 0:26:28It's my turn down the Prince.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30No. I checked the calendar.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32It's definitely my turn.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33I remember swapping.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36I don't remember that.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37I do.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Fair dos.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42I suppose I could come down later.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- Once I've put Dad down, I could... - Bye!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47DOOR CLOSES
0:26:49 > 0:26:51SHE SIGHS
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Oh, well.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56'Yeah. I suppose it would have been nice to have a night out,'
0:26:56 > 0:26:59but, knowing me, I'd have had one Bacardi too many
0:26:59 > 0:27:01and woken up with a sore noggin,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04which is no good for learning my lesbian Sonia lines.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Anyway, I'm sure it'll be my turn next week
0:27:08 > 0:27:10down the karaoke at the Prince with Jason.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15In the meantime, a bit more practice never hurt -
0:27:15 > 0:27:19see if I can get up to 90% on my SingStar.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21MUSIC: Buffalo Stance by Neneh Cherry
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# Oh, yeah
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# DJ
0:27:26 > 0:27:27# Who-who-who-who-who...
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- SHE SINGS ALONG - # Who's that gigolo on the street
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# With his hands in his pockets and his crocodile feet?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# Hanging off the kerb Looking all disturbed
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# At the boys from home They all come running
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# They were making noise Manhandling toys
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# That's the girls from the block with the nasty curls
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# Wearing padded bras Sucking beers through straws
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# Down their drawers Where did you get yours? #
0:27:46 > 0:27:47# Gigolo
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# Huh, sucker? Gigolo
0:27:50 > 0:27:51# Gigolo
0:27:51 > 0:27:53# Huh, sucker? #
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Yeah!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Who's looking good today?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# Who's looking good in every way?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# No style rookie
0:28:01 > 0:28:02# You better watch
0:28:02 > 0:28:04# Don't mess with me
0:28:05 > 0:28:10# No moneyman can win my love
0:28:10 > 0:28:14# It's sweetness that I'm thinking of
0:28:14 > 0:28:19# No moneyman can win my love
0:28:19 > 0:28:23# It's sweetness that I'm thinking of... #