0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:28 > 0:00:30This is Mann Management,
0:00:30 > 0:00:34one of the UK's foremost celebrity talent agencies.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Their illustrious client base is managed by
0:00:37 > 0:00:40agent to the stars Vincent Mann.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42What does it take to be a great agent?
0:00:42 > 0:00:45The ability to convince people that you're right when you know
0:00:45 > 0:00:47full well that you're wrong.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53In an unprecedented move, he's given our documentary crew
0:00:53 > 0:00:57unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01This is the golden age of celebrity.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Once you've made it you can do anything.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08You've got stand-ups on bikes, cyclists on panel shows...
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Christ, I've even got Danny Dyer a gig on a history programme!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Welcome to Time Team. I'm Danny Dyer.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Baldrick ain't here, he's having laser eye surgery,
0:01:22 > 0:01:23so I'm taking over the game.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Sweet!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Let's do some archaenology.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Achreology. Archo...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Fuck it, digging. Let's do some digging.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39What you found there, bub?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Well, not much at the moment,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44but we think this discoloured earth here shows there was
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- a dwelling on this site.- Oh, yeah?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50All the good stuff's gone in his pockets, I'll wager.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Go on, crack on, son.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Here, you're going to need a bigger spade than that.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Geezer over there, he's using a toothbrush.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Oh, this is going to take fucking ages!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05This lovely old Doris don't mind getting her hands dirty.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Got any treasure for me, sweetheart?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- No, Daniel, no treasure, but lots of pottery fragments.- Oh, yeah?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12How much are they worth, then?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, not much, but they tell us an awful lot.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I tell me you need to get yourself a geezer, get your leg over.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I'm only having a bubble, darlin'.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- So, come on... - CRUNCH!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25..what's the best thing you've ever found?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Well, I found a very rare coin from the Ottoman Empire.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Oh, this is proper boring, this!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Can't we get a JCB in?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Danny, you might want to look at this!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Oh, here we go, it's all kicking off!
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Come on!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Fuck me, this went bad, didn't it?- Well, yes.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49No-one tells no-one about nothing, OK?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51That's rule number one in my gaff - you never grass.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53But this could be of great significance.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- I'm telling you, bury him back up, keep schtum!- But...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Do it!
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Danny Dyer ain't no grass.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I'm a man of old-fashioned principles.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Come on.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05You can help an' all, love, come on!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Right, job done. This never happened, let's scarper.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Now.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Oh, I've lost the keys to me Range Rover.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Oh, they must have fallen in the hole with the dead geezer!
0:03:27 > 0:03:31You two are good at finding things, ain't ya? Well, come on!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It ain't going to dig itself.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I've got to pick me treacle up from Zumba in a half hour.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Look lively!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47At the office, Vincent is having his daily catch-up
0:03:47 > 0:03:48with assistant Rachel.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And Joanna Lumley has got that shoot today for her yoghurt commercial.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Now, that is good news.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Frankly, she could do with the money.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Mm.- Not that she can get her head round that.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Talking of heads, what is that?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Are you growing a new one?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- It's just a spot. - That is not just a spot.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Anyway, Jo Lumley, make sure you get her to the shoot.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Jojo needs this. She's going through a rough patch.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Not unlike your chin!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- HE LAUGHS - Oh...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18That was funny, that was.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Joanna Lumley may not be fully aware,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24but her exotic lifestyle has come at a premium.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27And for Rachel, the challenge is getting Jo
0:04:27 > 0:04:29out of the house and into work.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Yes, come in. Come in. Meet my yogi.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Tell me, are you the new stable girl?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I've been working with Joanna for about three years now.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43She doesn't have a stable.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46No, I've come to pick you up for the commercial. Do you remember?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48We're a bit tight on time.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51HE CHANTS
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Oh, he hasn't spoken in months! - What's he saying?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I've absolutely no idea. Isn't it extraordinary?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59If we could just make our way out to the car...
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Oh, do we have to do it today, darling?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02It seems such a shame to break up the party.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I was just about to do my Patsy. Shall I do my Patsy?
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Joanna thinks that she can get away with anything by doing her Patsy.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13where's the bloody Bolly, Eddie?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Can I borrow the car?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- It's good, isn't it?- Mm-hm.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20The only person it really works on his Vinny.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22If you get a chance, ask her to do her Patsy.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, where's the bloody Bolly?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28It's like that.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29But better.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh, look, we're travelling.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Like Romanies.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40They're an hour late, but Rachel finally has Joanna out of the house
0:05:40 > 0:05:42and en route to the yoghurt commercial.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Joanna, do you mind if I ask how you are with the lines?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Oh, how kind of you to ask. I've been up all night poring over them.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I've got the script here.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I'm not sure that's today's script, Joanna.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Oh, they're all the same, darling, trust me.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59People hire Jojo for Jojo - game old bird.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03If you want some old wild bird you get in Denchy or Dame Mags.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- Go on, sweetie, test me.- OK...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"What have you got there, Joanna?"
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Should we go again?- Oh, yes, let's. What have you got there, Joanna?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- No, that's the other character. - Oh, they've got a line too?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- Oh, that's made my day. - What have you got there, Joanna?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Oh, Fortnum's! Pull over, Dicky, hampers all round. My treat.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Oh, and there's a Boots next door.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I can pop in and get some concealer for your little friend.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39With a direct line to some of the nation's biggest stars,
0:06:39 > 0:06:44we were able to take them back to the days before they were famous.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47What did I want to be when I grew up? Dinner lady.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50That was always the game plan early on.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52What did I want to be when I grew up?
0:06:52 > 0:06:56An illusionist, like Houdini or Siegfried & Roy and all that mob.
0:06:56 > 0:07:02A physiotherapist for men's rugby teams who specialises in groin work.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Who wouldn't want to see Danny Dyer make an elephant disappear,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07or sit in a glass box or something?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Then it turned out that I'd a god-given talent to sing
0:07:10 > 0:07:13like Aretha Franklin or one of them lot, so I never made it
0:07:13 > 0:07:17as a dinner lady, which is a shame, really, cos I fancied that.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18I'm one of the lucky ones, mate,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22because I've become exactly what I wanted to be when I was a kid -
0:07:22 > 0:07:24a social media opinion-former,
0:07:24 > 0:07:29Instagram specialist and co-writer of disposable lifestyle guidebooks.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32What did I want to be when I grew up?
0:07:32 > 0:07:37A free spirit with a lifelong record contract that I couldn't get out of.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40What did I want to be when I grew up?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44A beautiful dolphin with incredible cheekbones.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Even celebrities harbour dreams.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55And for Natalie Cassidy, that dream is to one day host The One Show.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00I first realised I'd be perfect for The One Show when I was
0:08:00 > 0:08:04working at Robert Dyas between Sonya stints.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Cliff on electrics said I had the common touch
0:08:06 > 0:08:09of a broadcasting genius.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12So I've come up with a game plan to get me foot in the door.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Well, sometimes it's practical to get tactical -
0:08:16 > 0:08:17that's me new mantra.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I seen it on a Facebook meme.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21LOUD DANCE MUSIC
0:08:21 > 0:08:27- SHE YELLS:- Kat, does Alex Jones off One Show still go leisure centre?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Shut up, Nat, I'm doing my Insanity.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Yeah, but does she still go, though?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Dad, tell her!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38She's doing her Insanity!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Yeah, I know, but she only has to say yes or no, though!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- MUSIC STOPS - Thanks a lot, Nat,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50you've ruined my Insanity. Now I'll be fat forever.
0:08:50 > 0:08:55- But does she still go, though? - I don't know, Nat! God!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I was only asking.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04When Kat finally started talking to me again,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07she confirmed that Alex Jones off One Show does something
0:09:07 > 0:09:11called Bikram yoga up the leisure centre.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16I'm just hoping that if we bump into each other we'll get chatting
0:09:16 > 0:09:19and she'll see that I'm the perfect stand-in for her next time
0:09:19 > 0:09:21she goes on her holidays.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Well, I've got here an hour early, just to be safe.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30We'll just sit and see if she turns up.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Half an hour early would have been enough, probably.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49SHE SIGHS
0:09:58 > 0:10:01# Call on me, call on me
0:10:01 > 0:10:04# Call on me
0:10:04 > 0:10:06# I'm the same boy I used to be. #
0:10:11 > 0:10:13SHE SNORES
0:10:13 > 0:10:15SHE SNORTS
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Oh, I haven't nodded off, have I?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Oh, I've probably missed her now!
0:10:23 > 0:10:24What time is it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Hang on, that's her, isn't it?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30It is!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Right, wish me luck. Operation Yoga is go.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40'What I'll do is I'll play it cool, let Alex do her Bikram first,
0:10:40 > 0:10:44'and then just see if she fancies a quick frappuccino at Costa's after.'
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Bloody hell!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Oh, you're double joking -
0:11:13 > 0:11:16you're not even Alex Jones!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18SHE SIGHS
0:11:18 > 0:11:22I am a bit disappointed it wasn't Alex Jones off One Show at Bikram,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24but I still feel positive about achieving
0:11:24 > 0:11:26me One Show presenting dream.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Well, nothing worth doing comes easy, does it?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Another one of me Facebook catchphrases.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36At Mann Management, Vincent has some potentially
0:11:36 > 0:11:39career-changing news for Miranda Hart,
0:11:39 > 0:11:43who is determined to be taken more seriously as an actor.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Good news, Miranda - you wanted to do some serious acting, well,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- the big one's coming. - Orange Is The New Black?!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51You told them I'm happy to do lezzy stuff, yeah?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I am no stranger to ladies' parts after an all-girl boarding school
0:11:54 > 0:11:57and five series of Call The Midwife.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00No, it's better than that - Game Of Thrones!
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Mirandor of Hartland at your service, my liege.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06How did you swing that one, Vincent?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Well, to be honest, you know they've been going for six seasons...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Ooh, seasons, I love that.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13So much better than series, isn't it?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Those Americans with their seasons and their fanny packs -
0:12:16 > 0:12:19oh, what larks! It's a big time for me.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Yeah, well, they've been going for so long and they've killed off
0:12:22 > 0:12:24so many characters they've worked their way through pretty much
0:12:24 > 0:12:27every British actor going. I know for a fact they've seen
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Pauline Quirke, Richard Blackwood and Justin from CBeebies this week.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32You've got a casting!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Now, be honest, Vincenzo,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37they want a flash of the old boobarellas, don't they?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- I'm pretty sure they don't, actually.- I don't mind.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41If I'm to be taken seriously I'll have to get the old
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Bafta-catchers out at some point, won't I?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- They haven't mentioned a sex scene. - We must insist!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Tell them I'll only get jiggy with Jon Snow.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Stipulate that in my contract.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52And make sure they don't think we're talking about Jon Snow
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- from Channel 4 News. - SHE SNORTS
0:12:54 > 0:12:57He's got a lot of colourful ties and he knows how to use them,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59but I'm not going there again.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02You wanted to do some serious acting, here's your chance.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Oh, gosh, it's not a sex scene with that little chap, is it?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Have you told them I'm 6'1"? Cos that would be mega awks!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I don't think you've got a scene with Peter Dinklage -
0:13:11 > 0:13:12it's quite a small part.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Oh, Dinklage! Ha-ha! Small part!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17This stuff writes itself.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Right, I'm off to Immac me bosoms.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Oh!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Serious acting from now on, you said.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I'm fine, I am fine.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30To Mordor!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Yeah, that's not...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Never mind.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40After a lengthy detour to Fortnum & Mason,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Rachel has finally delivered Joanna
0:13:42 > 0:13:44to the set of her yoghurt commercial.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48And what's more, darling, I have a brand-new friend -
0:13:48 > 0:13:49bacteria.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Enchante!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Cut there.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Brilliant.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Erm, OK, let's reset for the close-up on Joanna. Thank you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I'm sorry, sweetie, what was that?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04We just want to get a close-up of you eating the yoghurt.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Oh, no, darling, I couldn't possibly do that.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- What does she mean?- Well, one can't eat a friend, can they?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13It'd be like tucking into June Whitfield, wouldn't it?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16He's my little tum chum now, aren't you, my creamy poppet?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:14:22 > 0:14:24When you're in the business of managing talent,
0:14:24 > 0:14:29you have to get used to some... let's say eccentric behaviour.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31You need to be inventive, be able to think on your feet,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33go the extra mile.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Thankfully, I've taught Rachel to do all that crap
0:14:35 > 0:14:38while I concentrate on the, er...
0:14:38 > 0:14:39the bigger picture stuff.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- What have you got there, Joanna? - Oh, you mean this?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50It's Yoghini -
0:14:50 > 0:14:55a deliciously tempting cream-laden dessert fit for a god.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Careful, darling, you'll make me jealous.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Don't worry, I've saved something very special for you.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Enjoying that?
0:15:07 > 0:15:11And what's more, darling, I've a brand-new friend -
0:15:11 > 0:15:13bacteria.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Enchante.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25This is what I've become.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I've got a degree in politics.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28My sister's a doctor!
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Miranda Hart is at a central London location, taking another step
0:15:35 > 0:15:39towards her career ambition - a role in Game Of Thrones.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41If you'd like to say your name into the camera
0:15:41 > 0:15:43and then have a go at the script.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- Yeah, OK. - SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Mirandypants Hertfordshire, at your service.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Little bit nervous, sweaty-face emoji, poo emoji.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Don't be nervous,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56just want to get you on tape having a go at the script.
0:15:56 > 0:16:01Erm, OK, let me just get into what I like to call "la zone".
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- DEEP VOICE:- Harry Potter.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- SHRILL VOICE:- Harry Potter!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Frrrodo and the rrrring.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- AS GOLLUM:- Dirty little Hobbitses!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Use the Force.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Kkkkchh!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20When you're ready.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Old peasant woman, they say you have a message.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Sire, I am old and weak and I have walked many days and nights
0:16:28 > 0:16:31to bring you this scroll from King's Landing.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35You walked? Why did you not run, peasant?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Because my boobicles bang together when I run
0:16:37 > 0:16:39and a little bit of wee comes out.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42SHE SNORTS AND LAUGHS
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Oh, God, I'm funny.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Miranda's audition didn't go too well, but thankfully
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Gemma Collins got stuck in a sunbed, so she's on the show.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53This could lead to a lot more serious roles.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55It's not a sex scene, but it's a good start.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57She's playing Tall Peasant 2.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I'm very happy for her.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Gregg Wallace is one of Vincent's brightest stars.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09He's made a hugely successful career out of liking things
0:17:09 > 0:17:10and not liking things.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12But Gregg has a problem.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15'Right, I've got Gregg Wallace in reception. He says he's got...'
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Two minutes!
0:17:19 > 0:17:20What's that?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- What?- What is that?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- That's a straw donkey, Gregg. - No, it's not, it's kryptonite.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31My cousin brought it back from his holiday for me and the problem is,
0:17:31 > 0:17:35I can't decide whether I like it or I don't like it.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- What?- This donkey has sapped all of my confidence.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Problems do not get tougher than this!
0:17:42 > 0:17:43I don't like it.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Well, there you go - you don't like it.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46To be honest, I don't like it either.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Looks like a cheap piece of sh...
0:17:48 > 0:17:50No, I mean that I don't like it, that I don't know whether
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I like it or I don't like it.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54And I don't like it!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56EPIC MUSIC
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Sire, I have walked many days and nights to bring you this
0:18:06 > 0:18:11- scroll from King's Landing. - You walked? You walked?!
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- Why did you not run? - I'm old and weak, sire.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- EPIC MUSIC STOPS - Light bulb moment.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20My top could fall open at this point,
0:18:20 > 0:18:25up the nipple count for the nerds, eh, wink-face, thumbs-up emoji?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- No!- Please, no.- Rude king!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Just do the scene.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Action.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Guard, run her through.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Ah! Urgh!
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Um, ouch!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I'm fine! I'm fine. I don't do that any more, so...
0:18:46 > 0:18:49What was that? You can't just come back up and say, "I'm fine!"
0:18:49 > 0:18:50You're not, you're dead.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Yes, about that - I've been having a peruse
0:18:54 > 0:18:56and Tall Peasant 2 doesn't die in the book.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01Miranda, just give me a good death scene and we can move on.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03OK, uno questiono, though -
0:19:03 > 0:19:06can a wizard make me better later?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Some sort of healing spell?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Cos I'd really like to develop Tall Peasant 2's arc.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13No. No, come on.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Action!
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Guard, run her through.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Ah!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Urgh!- Ouch, pointy!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oh, totes dying!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28This is it for Tall Peasant 2.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Oh!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Oh, so cold. So cold.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Yep, slipping away, slipping away.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Oh! Proper acting, isn't it, this?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Prestige drama.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41And down she goes.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Give the nerds what they want, and Deadfordshire.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Oh, hello, prince! I can see up all the boys' skirts!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Don't worry, I've seen this before.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I think they sell them all over Spain.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Not that donkey, you donkey, I mean your condition.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06You've got the yips.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Do I not like the sound of that!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Hang on, I don't know if I do or I don't. Oh, God!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Don't worry, it's just a wobble. Come out here.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Right, Gregg, I want you to look at your left foot.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30Just as an exercise, I want you to pretend that you like that foot.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Do you think you could do that?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Now I want you to look at your right foot.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Every time you see that right foot,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- I want you to pretend that you don't like it. OK?- OK.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Now I want you to slowly walk round the room and just tell me
0:20:44 > 0:20:46what you're thinking.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Go on, Gregg. You can do it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I like it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01I don't like it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I like it.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08I don't like it.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10That's my boy. You can do it.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13I like it.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I don't like it.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I like it. I don't like it.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I like it, I don't like it, I like it, I don't like it,
0:21:19 > 0:21:20I like it, I don't like it.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Vin, I'm back, and do I like that?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I like it a lot!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Wait a second, Gregg, let's just be absolutely sure.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Gregg, what do you think of that donkey?
0:21:37 > 0:21:38I don't like it!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40It is disgusting!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I really don't like it!
0:21:43 > 0:21:44# How you like me now? #
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Gregg Wallace is back in the room!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Come on!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- You know what that was.- Not a clue.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- That was a masterclass.- Was it?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Cos it looked like two middle-aged men shouting at a donkey.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Natalie Cassidy may have failed to track down Alex Jones...
0:22:07 > 0:22:11PHONE RINGS ..but little does she know that good news is just around the corner.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Hello, Cassidy household. Natalie Cassidy speaking.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Nat, it's Vince.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I've got a little job for you tomorrow.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Oh, I can't, Vinny, I promised myself a little treat.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'm having me verrucas frozen off tomorrow.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Nat, it's The One Show.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31The One Show?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34That's the golden ticket to a mainstream audience, Vince!
0:22:34 > 0:22:38I know it is, darling, and they need you to fill in for Alex.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Oh, you're double joking!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42How comes they've gone for me?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Joe Swash brought back Indonesian flu from one of his
0:22:44 > 0:22:47competition videos where you win a holiday and it's spread through
0:22:47 > 0:22:50the celeb community like wildfire.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Rylan Clark's head swelled up like a melon,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Lineker can't even keep his soup down and Bradley Walsh is
0:22:56 > 0:22:58pissing bright-green water out of his arse.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00They just needed to know that you were in good health
0:23:00 > 0:23:03and the job was yours, but never mind.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Tell them I'll do it, Vince.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07The verrucas can wait!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Aaaaaaah!
0:23:13 > 0:23:17I spent all that time chasing The One Show,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20then The One Show ended up chasing ME!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23It just shows it was written in the stars
0:23:23 > 0:23:27that Bradley Walsh would have green water coming out of his arse.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35# Dreams can come true
0:23:35 > 0:23:38# Look at me babe I'm with you
0:23:38 > 0:23:40# You know you've got to have hope
0:23:40 > 0:23:43# You know you've got to be strong
0:23:43 > 0:23:44# Dreams can come true... #
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Dad!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Will you help me practise for The One Show?
0:23:48 > 0:23:49I'm on me poker.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Dad...- All right, all right.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Well, I hope it's a roaring success.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Please give it up for Mr Pierce Brosnan!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05No, don't you clap, Dad - you're him.
0:24:05 > 0:24:11Who doesn't love a good old piece of British toast and butter?
0:24:11 > 0:24:12I hate toast, Nat.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Dad, Pierce Brosnan ain't gonna hate toast, is he?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Well, how do you know? You've got to be ready for anything, Nat.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23You're right. Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27It's just that all I've ever wanted is to host The One Show.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30And it puts you in the national psyche, don't it?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I know it does, darling.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Look, why don't you have a bath and an early night?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37You want to be tip-top for tomorrow, don't you?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- What about the dishes, Dad? - I'll do them now.- Really?
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Thanks, Dad.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Love ya.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50# You know you've got to have hope
0:24:50 > 0:24:53# You know you've got to be strong
0:24:53 > 0:24:55# Dreams can come true
0:24:55 > 0:24:57# Look at me, babe. #
0:24:58 > 0:25:00With an open door to Vincent's clients...
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Avocado cheesecake!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05..we were able to ask the stars some more pertinent questions
0:25:05 > 0:25:07about their celebrity.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10How much is a pint of milk? How would I know?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I can't go and buy milk.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14The last time I bought milk,
0:25:14 > 0:25:19the headline was "Semi-skimmed Cheryl gets bang on the cow juice."
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Can you imagine how upsetting that was for me? No, you can't.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25That's why one of me PAs gets the milk in.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27What kind of milk?
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Soya? Oat? Almonds? Goat? Rice?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Organic? Raw? Lactose free?
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Or coconut?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Oh, I get it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Pint of milk - silk, silkworm - firm,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41firm bum - gun.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44How much is a shooter? About a monkey, mate.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Semi-skimmed? What, from cows?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Erm, retro vibes on your milk, there, mate.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I suppose you're going to tell me you're still eating wheat,
0:25:51 > 0:25:52you knobber.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55How much is a pint of milk? 79p.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Why, are you making a cup of tea? Don't worry, I'll do it!
0:25:59 > 0:26:03I've got half a pack of Hobnobs in me handbag. I'll put the kettle on.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05How much is a pint of milk?
0:26:05 > 0:26:09You can't catch our Jojo out, it's two and six.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Here we go, sorry I've been a while.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Kettle takes ages to boil when it's full. There you go, Ken.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Ha! You can't fool me, I'm a man of the people,
0:26:19 > 0:26:23the proletariat prince, the crusader for the common man,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25the Herbert's emperor.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I know how much a pint of milk is.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's £94 sterling for a gold top
0:26:31 > 0:26:34and £86 sterling for half-skimmed.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh, you went for a choccy one, I knew you would.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I'll be back in a second with the milk.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41The day has finally arrived
0:26:41 > 0:26:44for Natalie Cassidy to host The One Show.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- KNOCKING - Nat?
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Nat, are you there?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I don't feel well, Dad.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58What time's dinner?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01SHE RETCHES
0:27:01 > 0:27:03RETCHING CONTINUES
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Better out than in. Urgh...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I suppose I am a bit gutted that all my dreams have been
0:27:10 > 0:27:12smashed to pieces, yeah.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15The doctor reckons I've got Indonesian flu off whoever
0:27:15 > 0:27:18licked the envelope with my practice scripts in it.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I suppose it's just one of them things, though, ain't it?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Who knows?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26There might be another time all the people in front of me
0:27:26 > 0:27:28get a tropical disease.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Could happen.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33SHE COUGHS
0:27:33 > 0:27:36But unfortunately, there's no respite for poorly Natalie.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Welcome to The One Show. I'm Kimberley Walsh.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Now, before we get started,
0:27:44 > 0:27:48can I just say get well soon to Natalie Cassidy, who can't be here
0:27:48 > 0:27:52tonight because she's been pissing bright-green water out of her arse.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Oh, you are double joking.
0:27:55 > 0:28:01Now, who doesn't love a good old piece of British toast and butter?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Take a little time, smile
0:28:07 > 0:28:11# Make a little thing worthwhile
0:28:11 > 0:28:15# When the moon comes up and the sun goes down
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# Take a little time to smile
0:28:19 > 0:28:24# And when the moon comes up and the sun goes down
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# Just relax, love is still around
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# So smile
0:28:30 > 0:28:33# Take a little time to smile. #