0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09He's forgotten his trunks? What time is swimming? Actually, I don't even know why I'm asking you that.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11I'm at work. I can't get away. Can he swim in his pants?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Sorry, can I just ask you, did you try calling my husband?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16No, you just called me, OK. No, just wanted to know, that's all.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19OK, well, I think we both know that he is going to be missing swimming.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Yes. Och, yeah, yeah!
0:00:21 > 0:00:24It is a terrible, awful, terrible shame.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26It's a tragedy.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29OK. All right.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Take care. God bless you, bye-bye.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Is that a work phone?
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Yes.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Look, Julia. I get it, it's hard.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59People say women can have it all.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01But that's easy to say.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And the point is, if you're hosting a dinner for 250 opticians
0:01:04 > 0:01:07at the ExCel Centre, it probably means you're missing bath time.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11You constantly feel like you're letting someone down.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I get it.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14That is it exactly.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16That is it. That's it.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17I've got kids myself.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21And I come from a family of very strong, strong women.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24So I really do understand.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28So just sort it out.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Yeah.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Huh?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40What's with all the cleaning stuff?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Oh! It's date night tonight.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- How much jizzing are you planning to do?- Oh, yeah!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47No, I just want to get the whole house spotless
0:01:47 > 0:01:49so Jill isn't distracted by any of that stuff.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51And she can't forget like she did last time,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54because I've put it in her iCal.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I didn't have you down as a sexual person, Kevin.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Oh, yeah. Very much so.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Absolutely. It's important, isn't it, when you've had kids,
0:02:01 > 0:02:02to make time for each other?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Physically.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I thought we could do it in the shower tonight.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08She used to love that in the '90s.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I just have to give it a good scrub first.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- Do you do wine here? - We do an Elderflower presse.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17No, you've completely misunderstood me.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Do I look like I've been crying? I got a bit emotional at work.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23- What happened?- I just had a full-on talking-to from my boss.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Is that good or...?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- Sorry, is that bad? - It's bad. It's shit.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I am hanging on by a thread here. I really need some childcare,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I don't have time to find any childcare. I just need some time.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34You should do what Amanda does.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Monday, her kids go to her mother-in-law after school.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Tuesday, she does a nanny share with a family from their street.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Wednesday, she does a half day.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Thursday, it's either the nanny share or her,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45or the mother of the other family -
0:02:45 > 0:02:47they take it in turns - which just leaves one Thursday a month,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49which they rotate. And Fridays,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52every fourth weekend, her mum comes over from Portugal.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55So that's covered. And the other Fridays, Johnny works from home
0:02:55 > 0:02:56or Amanda takes the day off.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00And I believe she catches up with everything else on the Saturday.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03OK.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I'll just do that, then.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Do you mind if we take this table?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11There's a smaller table free over there, and there's a lot of us
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- and only one of you.- It's just, this table's right next to the socket.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18What, a plug? There's a plug down there?
0:03:18 > 0:03:19I should have brought my ironing,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22really make the most of that fucking plug. Come on, mate, move it.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Are you free on Saturday? It's Ivy's birthday.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27That'll be lovely. What are you doing?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Oh, nothing special. Just a few friends at Pizza Express.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32She's only 9 - it's not her 40th.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33You're missing a trick there.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Oh, I was just reading about Amanda's kids.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Do you think she's still pissed off about having to make us an omelette
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- that time?- She won't be in a minute. Hang on.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49All right? Just grabbing the milk.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53God, you look thin!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- You been ill or something?- No.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58No, I haven't.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Really? That's mad! Yeah, you look dangerously thin.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Oh, thank you!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You're welcome.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12What did you mean when you said I was missing a trick?
0:04:12 > 0:04:16If you've got childcare issues, you should throw a big party.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- What? Why?- You invite 30 kids,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20you get 30 invites back.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21That's free childcare.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I'm having a lovely afternoon without my son right now.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26How does that even work?
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Parents have to stay, don't they?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29No, it's drop-offs.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32You gift them a drop-off party, then it's quid pro quo -
0:04:32 > 0:04:34they let you drop-off in return.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Liz, I haven't got time to organise a massive party.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40What time?! You buy four caterpillar cakes from Asda,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43put them together in one long human-centipede type
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Caterpillar cake, then just let the kids help themselves.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Don't even bother with a knife.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Just let them dig their creepy little fingers in.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Then tell them you've hidden a quid somewhere and relax.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Then, for the big finale, play Gangnam Style
0:04:56 > 0:04:58and give them undiluted squash.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59They'll go fucking mental.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02It's all over by 4pm, done.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04We hired a ceramic cafe,
0:05:04 > 0:05:08so same principle, but everyone goes home with an ashtray.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Yeah, well, I think that sounds absolutely hideous.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11So I'll stick to Pizza Express.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Hey! Hey-ah, hey, hey-oh.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21I'm having a little birthday thing for Ivy on Saturday.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Pizza Express, if you... Oh, Pizza Express, that's a good idea.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28So much easier than going to the trouble of organising
0:05:28 > 0:05:30a real proper party. And you're not really
0:05:30 > 0:05:32a kids' party person, are you, Julia?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34THEY SNIGGER
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Yeah...I kids party!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I kids party, real hard.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43If you'd let me finish my sentence!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I was going to say that Pizza Express is great
0:05:46 > 0:05:48if you like that kind of thing,
0:05:48 > 0:05:52but what I've been planning for quite some time now is a massive
0:05:52 > 0:05:56fuck-off party on Saturday at mine.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57What's the theme?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Tarts and vicars.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I'm joking, Anne, that's a joke.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04There's no, um, there's no theme.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It's a BYO theme.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Fine, pirate robots.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16So, I'm having a party. It's fine. I organise events for a living,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18so that will be absolutely fine.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Can you help me, please?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Nope.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Hello, Julia!
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Hello, Mother. Who's this?
0:06:35 > 0:06:36This is my friend, Sylvie.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Never heard of her.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Where are the kids?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Well, YOUR kid is here.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Standing in front of you wondering why I'm struggling to cope,
0:06:43 > 0:06:47while you're bumming around eating smoked-salmon quiche
0:06:47 > 0:06:49without a bloody care in the world.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Sorry about this, Sylvie.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54So, I came in to invite you to Ivy's birthday party, it's on Saturday.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Oh, thanks, I'd like that.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- What time?- Well, it starts at two, but if you could get there for,
0:06:58 > 0:06:59I don't know, ten?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- What?- I know what you're trying to do, Julia,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05and the answer is no.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I'm not trying to do anything, Mother. What am I trying to do?
0:07:11 > 0:07:12You want me to help with the party.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- No, I don't.- Well, why do I need to be there at ten?
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Need?!
0:07:16 > 0:07:20I don't NEED anything, mother, please don't try and twist this.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22What I want, actually, to be perfectly honest,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25what I want is my children's grandmother to want to be there,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29at ten, and to maybe bring some balloons or something.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30No, Julia.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34OK. How about this - just one last job,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36and then you're free, you're out,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38how about that? Just one last job.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Just for old time's sake.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I'll see you at two.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Unbelievable.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Sylvie, would you like to come? - Well, I...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48You have to be there at ten.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Delivery.- Give my hat back now! - Cake. Icing. Candles.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Squash. Music.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Games. Balloons.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32OK. Hey, gang, it's Big Balloon Barry here.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I'm going to teach you how to blow up one of these bad boys.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37What you want to do, give it a little stretch out.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Work from the diaphragm...- Ssh! - ..really get the control...- Ssh!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Really focus the breathing.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Get a good seal with your lips.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46It's very important.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47OK, so, here we go.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00This is fun, isn't it?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02This is going to be good, I think.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Can you stop doing that?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Right. Let's have a little checkity check.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Yeah. It's still a Minion, isn't it?
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Where is the delivery guy?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19The delivery guy...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24He's not...here.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Crisps, Twix, hummus and breadsticks,
0:09:26 > 0:09:30tzatziki, wine, carrot batons - none of that stuff is here.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Yes, of course I confirmed the order.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oh, God, I'm doing it now.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I've just done it. Where is it?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41What? That's terrible!
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- What, they didn't turn up at all. - No, no, they didn't, Paul, look,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47is there anyway you could just miss this one match,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49and just get me some supplies, could you?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Well, I've got a seat in a box. It was my Christmas present from Dan.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54OK, OK. Don't worry about it.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I've got a tub of cottage cheese and half a mackerel in the fridge.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59It's a good job that I invited our Lord Jesus Christ,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02because I really think this is going to work out.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Don't be like that.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I didn't ask for an early kick-off.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Blame bloody Sky, or BT Sport or whatever.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09That's the problem with football.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11So much contempt for the fans.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NOW!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Can you help me or not?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Look, I can't be in two places at once, can I?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I'll be there tomorrow for her actual birthday.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Look, I know it all seems a bit of a mess right now,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28but it's just a case of learning how to juggle everything.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32And if you drop something, I will always be there to pick it up.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35And toss it back to you so you can just keep on juggling.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36OK?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Julia?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Julia?
0:10:42 > 0:10:46This is a bag of choking hazards for the party bags.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48And give them out at the end - that's a sign everyone
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- has to piss off.- God, thanks, Liz, how much to owe you?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52£1. God bless Poundland.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54No, I mean for everything.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Oh, right.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Er, £5.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58God bless Poundland.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Right, there's four caterpillar cakes in there.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03No, I've made a Minion cake! You wouldn't know it's a Minion,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05but I really think it will pass as a cake.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07It looks like an angry sweetcorn.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- How long have we got?- Half an hour.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Are you having the party in there?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- Yes.- Give me a pound coin.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Write a sign that says, "Find the pound."
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- What about that room? - No, no, that is out of bounds.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Write a sign that says, "Wet paint."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26That's brilliant, Liz!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- DOORBELL - Oh, that will be Kevin, I called him too.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Come in. - Let's get this party started!
0:11:34 > 0:11:35What's that? Is that for the party?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37This? It's a bag of carrots, Julia.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- What are they for?- You'll see.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45I'm going to need a small table, a long-stemmed glass, a napkin.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Hiya.- Hi, Liz. What would be great
0:11:48 > 0:11:51is if you had some white gloves and a circular metal ring.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Kevin, I've booked an entertainer.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Oh, you've booked an entertainer?
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Well, I thought I could...
0:11:56 > 0:12:00It would be great, though, if you could help out with the sandwiches
0:12:00 > 0:12:01and the, um, cleaning up.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Who have you booked?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I booked, um, the only person I could get at short notice.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- Um, Animal Man.- Animal Man?!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- Oh, Julia. - What's wrong with Animal Man?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13He's...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15racist.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- And he's... - WHISPERS:- ..unimaginative.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19What, he's an unimaginative racist?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Did you not read the Google reviews?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24No, Kevin, I did not read the Google reviews.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Well, look, don't worry. I've got this.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- I'm not worried.- You shouldn't be. Cos I've got this, Julia.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36God, this looks bloody great!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I think we've pulled this off, mate.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Um... Ivy's just been sick.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42What do you mean, sick?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Uh, she vomited on me.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46And then she vomited again.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48On me.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- What do you mean?- Um...
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I don't know how else to say it.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55How are you feeling, Ivy?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Ivy?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00SHE GROANS
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Too much icing?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03SHE GROANS
0:13:03 > 0:13:04I don't think that's icing.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06There's a bug going around.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08We all had it last week.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I got caught short at the chemist on Tuesday.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Had to throw my leggings away.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Do you want me to cancel, Ivy?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Do you want me to cancel?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Because you're feeling ill?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21SHE GROANS
0:13:21 > 0:13:23That's not a no.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- What do you want to do?- Oh, God.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28It's too late to cancel, isn't it?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31It's too late, isn't it? Is it too late to cancel?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33DOORBELL
0:13:35 > 0:13:37INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Have we caught you at a bad time?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44No. You've caught me at a great time.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Where's the birthday girl?- She's...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Do you have any parking permits, Julia?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Oh, God, parking permits.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53No, it's a drop-off. It's just a drop-off.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55It's all right. I'll just keep an eye open for traffic wardens.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- No, it's a drop-off! Why are you all coming in?- Hi!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00No, it's a drop-off. It's just a drop-off.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03What are they doing? It's a drop-off!
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Why are the mums all coming in?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Yeah, looks like they're lingering.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Yeah, I think they're going to stay.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10You said that they were free to go, that was the whole point of this.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Did you put "drop-off" on the invites?- No, no, I just... No.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Well, then, it's Russian roulette. I guess you're buggered,
0:14:16 > 0:14:17cos this is the first time
0:14:17 > 0:14:19they've had permission to come inside your house.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21So, basically, they're here to judge your house.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Please tell me you put a leaving time down.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27No, that's enough. Thank you.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I had to bring up a bowl for Ivy.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Shit, Ivy licked that cake! She licked the cake, Liz!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42No-one can eat the cake, Liz!
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- Just give them the caterpillar cakes.- OK. Yeah. Great.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- Where is Ivy?- Ivy?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Oh, Ivy, she's... She got a bit overexcited,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54so I put her on time-out in her room.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I actually like these walls, Julia - what colour are they?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59What colour are they? They're the colour that you see.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- That colour.- I was thinking about doing a bit of turn for the kids
0:15:02 > 0:15:04before Animal Man gets here. If he gets here.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08I mean, I've not read one Google review that said he wasn't late.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Yes! By all means! I'm just a bit...
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Yes!
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Ssh! Ssh! Ssh!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16So, what have we all got?
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- ALL: Carrots! - Carrot. A boring old carrot.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Well, maybe not as boring as you thought, when you realise
0:15:23 > 0:15:25you can turn a carrot...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29..into a recorder!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Are we ready to make a recorder?
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Oh, Julia, Julia, I'm going to need a few very sharp knives.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40No, Kevin, I'm not handing out sharp knives to children.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Oh, yeah, that might be dangerous.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Um... What am I going to do?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49I can't do them all myself - this one took hours.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51DOORBELL
0:15:51 > 0:15:53OK, I know. I know. Um...
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Let's play Guess That Tune!
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Who knows this one?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02HE WHISTLES TUNELESSLY
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Look who's here!
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Who wants to see what's in the box?!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- ALL: Me! - Come on!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Is it No Limits?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34She thinks, because it's cranberry glass, it'll go for 20 quid.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38But she'll get seven for it, tops - mark my words.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I've seen this episode already.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- How is she?- Just had another little mini vom earlier.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Well, she hasn't got a temperature, so that's good.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Look, you don't have to sit up here, I can take over.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I'm having a nice time. Ivy's having a nice time.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51This is my kind of party.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Plus, I owe the animal bloke 50 quid.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I booked him for a party, then didn't pay him.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Because he was racist?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58No, because he was rubbish. God, if I didn't pay people
0:16:58 > 0:17:01because they were racist, I wouldn't have a satellite dish.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Or catering at my wedding.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Can you take this?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I poured it down the loo, but it could do with a bleach.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Tag team.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I just thought Ivy might want a peep on my carrot flute.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Please don't say that to any other children, Kevin.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25How was date night?
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Disappointing.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Didn't get to use your mop?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Liz!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34No, it's just, you know, I'd made dinner,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37got the house all nice and clean, chromed the shower,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39and I'd just popped up to give the bedroom carpet a quick vac,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41and she walks in.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I'm not sure I want to hear this story, but go on.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Well, no, that's the end of the story.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47She just said hello, locked the bathroom door,
0:17:47 > 0:17:48had a shower by herself.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Maybe it's the pressure of date night.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Maybe I just need to...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57..loosen up a bit, be a bit more spontaneous.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01You know what, I'm going to take sex night out of the calendar.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I put it in there as a repeat event, but...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Oh, she's already deleted it.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12MUSIC: Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen
0:18:12 > 0:18:15How's everything on the road, Anne?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16All clear so far.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Has everyone had a special squash?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22How long do you think - no pressure, just how long?
0:18:22 > 0:18:23It takes as long as it takes.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Perfect.- Where is Ivy?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Ivy?- Where is she?!
0:18:28 > 0:18:32She's, um... She's getting ready in her room, costume change.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34What are they like?!
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Nine going on Brandi Glanville.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- I don't know who that is. - You do, yeah, you do,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41you know who Brandi Glanville is, from Real Housewives.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45You know Brandi Glanville!
0:18:45 > 0:18:46She's friends with Lisa Vanderpump.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Not friends, I mean... - I don't watch Real Housewives.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52No, no. No, me neither.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54DOORBELL
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Kevin, could you put some crisps out or something?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Unbelievable.- Sorry I'm late. - Four and a half hours' late.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Half an hour late.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Ah, well, well, look who it is.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09You've got some cheek.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Where's Ivy?- Yes, where's Ivy?!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Two days ago, it was "who's Ivy?"
0:19:13 > 0:19:15No, it wasn't, Julia.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18If you could just put your present in the pile, please.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Mother? Mother?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Hello, hello!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Marion! Aw!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Kevin, did you clean that?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- No.- What's the matter with you?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31That is the bowl that Ivy was sick in.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Do you need a hand, Julia?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Just to make the party a bit better.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40No! No, it's fine.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43No, this is exactly how it's supposed to be.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46God, did you get those from the...?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49What?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Nothing.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53OK. Animal time!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Hey! Hurray!
0:19:56 > 0:20:00OK, right. So I'm going to need a volunteer for later.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Who wants to volunteer?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Anyone?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08You. Come on up.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Just stand there. Don't touch anything.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15OK, right. We've got lots of wonderful animals to meet.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18But first, we need to sing the animal song.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20So...
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Animal, animal, animal...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Animal, animal, animal...
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Sing along. Animal, animal, animal...
0:20:30 > 0:20:33A bit louder, come on. Animal, animal, yep.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37OK, does the birthday girl want to come up and open the first crate?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40KNOCKING
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Ah! In the royal box.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Right then, what's in the crate?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Any guesses?- A dog.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52- No, it's not a dog.- A hamster.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54An elephant? You need a licence for that.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- A hippo.- It's not a hippo, look at the size of it.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59OK, you're not getting it. I'm going to give you a clue.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01What makes this sound...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Meow!
0:21:04 > 0:21:05ALL: A cat!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07That's right.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10There we go. Oh, there we are.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Look.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Oh. That one's gone.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15That happens.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Right, OK. So what's in the next crate?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Surprise us.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21- Pardon?- Nothing.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Hi.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25OK. So, any guesses on this one?
0:21:25 > 0:21:26- A dog!- Tiger!
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Here's the clue - the clue is what makes this sound...?
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Sss-sssss!
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Snake. ALL:- A snake!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Nay, it is...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40a...
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Siamese cat!
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Yay!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Oh, my God. It's not even Siamese.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- IN HIGH VOICE:- Ha-wo.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53And it goes like this... "Look at me!"
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Through it goes! Yes! Big round of applause.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04OK. What's in this crate?
0:22:04 > 0:22:09It is, come on out! Surprise, everybody.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11It's a cat!
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Oh, it's a cat.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Woohoo!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16It's a whole cat.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh, a nice British one.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Is it just cats?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- I need a top-up. - "Half hour show was promised -
0:22:23 > 0:22:26"run out of steam at the 13-minute point.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28"This is a very cat-heavy show.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29"Not unfun."
0:22:29 > 0:22:31OK, if you say so.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"But if you don't like cats, perhaps give it a swerve."
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Kev, forget about him.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Just getting a wine for Sylvie.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Yeah, sure, as long as Sylvie's OK.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Well, you invited her, Julia.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Shit!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Because I felt sorry for her, being friends with bloody you.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51If there's anything I can do to help, do say.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Is there anything you can do to help? Is there anything you can do to help?!
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Mother, I haven't got time to give you instructions.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58You need to use your initiative. Just do it.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Did your wife see you cleaning the other night, Kev?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14What? Er, yeah.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Right.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I think I've worked out why she won't have sex with you.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26There's only one sausage roll left out there.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Anne, the window.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32God, yeah, sorry.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I feel like there's something wrong, Julia.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Everyone is picking up on it.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Has your husband left you?
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Is that why Ivy's upstairs,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45she won't come down, because she is too devastated?
0:23:45 > 0:23:46No, he's just at the football.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Julia, I'm trying to help you.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52I'm just trying to understand what is going on here.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I'm just trying to make a two-foot caterpillar cake.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Please, please stop trying to be something that you're not.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00If nothing else,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02it's just horrible to watch.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04It's cake time!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06CHEERING
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Mother, what are you doing?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Using my initiative.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Got a new camera.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Nice!- Yeah, I used to take photos on my phone,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29but then the battery overheated and melted the memory card.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Oh, no.- Yeah, I had photos going right back
0:24:31 > 0:24:33to when my Darius was born.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I even had one of my grandfather holding Darius,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39literally seconds before we switched off his life-support.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- Where's Ivy?- Where's Ivy?!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Where is Ivy? For God's sake, Mother!
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Where is she?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48She's there.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51# Happy birthday to you
0:24:51 > 0:24:54# Happy birthday to you
0:24:54 > 0:24:58# Happy birthday, dear...Ivy... #
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Right, I'm going to cut this in the kitchen, the way people do.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Er, it wasn't as moist as I'd hoped.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Right. All packed up, then.- Great.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23So, is that everything, or what?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25It's just that I normally get a bit of a thank-you.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Thank you.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29No, I meant a tip.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Oh, well, if I'm honest, you were late,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35and if I'm also honest, you were quite unimaginative.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Well, I think the kids really enjoyed all the animals.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42HE SCOFFS
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Sorry, what was that?
0:25:44 > 0:25:45I said...
0:25:45 > 0:25:46HE SCOFFS
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Sorry, have you got something to say?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Cos I heard all your sarky comments during the show.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Show?!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54All right, mate. I don't know what your issue is.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- But I...- I'm not going to get into it here in front of children
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- and mothers, mate.- OK, fine, let's take it outside, then.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Fine, front or back.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05What?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Front door or back door, because it would be stupid
0:26:09 > 0:26:11if I went to the garden and you went to the street.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14The front, then, cos that is where my van is parked.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Leave it, Kevin, he's not worth it.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18It's all right, love, I've got thi...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I know you. You owe me money.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- No, I don't.- You do.- I didn't pay you because your act is terrible.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26And you're racist.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29If your act was amazing, I'd put up with a tiny bit of racism.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31But your act is shit.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33It's just cats, mate.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Don't call yourself Animal Man if you just have cats.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Call yourself Cat Man.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Bloody Cat Man Do, there you go - that's a great name.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43You can have that. That's got to be worth 50 quid.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Look, I will pay you what she owes you. Can you just leave?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47No, I'm dealing with this.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49You go upstairs and look after your sick kid.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Ivy's sick?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Julia, why didn't you cancel the party?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Well, why didn't you just not come?
0:27:03 > 0:27:08Anyway. It was supposed to be a drop-off, so, you know,
0:27:08 > 0:27:09quid pro quo.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Kevin, if you could just hand out the party bags, thank you.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Thanks for clearing up, Mum.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- That's all right.- I feel terrible.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Don't be so hard on yourself.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Kids get sick. Mothers make mistakes.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Come here.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Can you babysit next week?
0:27:49 > 0:27:50No.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Unbelievable!