0:00:02 > 0:00:03It's so lovely to finally meet you.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Yeah, great, likewise.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07God, doesn't the smell of school
0:00:07 > 0:00:09make you want to kill yourself?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14- Where's Marion tonight? - Your guess is as good as mine.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Apparently my mother no longer has any interest in maintaining
0:00:17 > 0:00:20the welfare of my children. Look... I can't... I can't be here long,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23I've got a massive thing to prep for work,
0:00:23 > 0:00:26so if you could just sort of stick to the headlines.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Just the lowdown.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Like, a sneak peek, I suppose.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Basically, what would the trailer be for this parents' evening?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36I'm not sure, if you don't mind me saying,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I don't really understand your parenting style.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Because you're never here, and when you are, you're late,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43and you barely get involved in any of the school activities so...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45OK, OK. I think I know what this is about.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Is this because I forgot to buy you a bottle of wine at Christmas?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49- No, it's because...- If it is,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I really don't think that's very fair, because I didn't know
0:00:52 > 0:00:54about the present-giving culture at this school.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55- It's not.- What do you want me to do?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Do you want me to bring you an apple every day?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Do you want me to tip you at Christmas, like the binmen?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Pardon?- Oh, God, it's like a bloody racket here.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06What is this?! Can you all just back off a bit?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08It's not the Antiques Roadshow.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Jesus!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Anne's doing the drinks?
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Oh, for God's sake.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Anne's measures are too small.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25It's not Glastonbury, Liz.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Exactly! It's a bloody school fundraiser.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30We need alcohol, Kevin, proper measures.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32You were the one who said Anne should do the drinks last time.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I was going by her being Irish, it's before I knew her.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Am I going insane?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41That looks like Caroline Lacy.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Caroline, yeah, Reuben's mum. Just come back from Thailand.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Thailand for a family holiday - dear, oh, dear.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Caroline Lacy goes to our school?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- Hi, babe.- Do you know her?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Do I know her?! How do you NOT know her?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I do know her - we're talking about her because we know her,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- and you don't.- Excuse me, Liz, I know her,
0:02:00 > 0:02:01we started with the same company together.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03We were quite close at one point.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Until she won every bloody award going.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Follow me, kids. Caroline!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Hello! Hi.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Hello, you! I didn't know you went to this school.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Yeah! Yeah, I do. These are mine.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17What? I thought they were Marion's?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20No, no, that's my mother.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Oh! Love Marion.- Who doesn't?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh! Here we go. See you around.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Yes, see you around!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30She remembered me!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Didn't say your name.- What?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Didn't she? I'm sure she did.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37No. Unless your name is "Around".
0:02:41 > 0:02:43INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:47SHE SCREECHES LAUGHING
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Is this You've Been Framed?
0:02:51 > 0:02:52No, no, that was my wedding.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54That's my dad.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Oh, God! That cake looks nice.- Mm!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I might go and get some cake, unless you want to share that with me?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04No, I want to eat all of it on my own.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Pig!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I think that's the meeting for the fundraiser.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Shouldn't we be over there?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I'm doing drinks, you're doing the cloakroom.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Why do we need to go to a meeting?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16And don't complicate it, Kevin.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18They hate it when you complicate things.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Why would you want to get involved?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Well, you have to do your bit. - Do you, though, do you really?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Yeah, you do.- Do you, though?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- Yes.- I'm just going to go over and...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29I'll just go over.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Do you, though?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Fundraiser!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- THEY ALL GASP - Kevin!- I'm so sorry.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- You frightened Anne.- I'm all right.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- I'm so sorry, Anne.- I'm fine now.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I'm just saying, you know...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Here we go.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Let's do it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Let's do it for all the kids who need this kind of specialised
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- equipment in the music room. - You're doing the cloakroom, right?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57- Yes.- Great.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- See you tomorrow.- Yes, yes. See you tomorrow.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Oh, dear. What happened?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I don't...
0:04:06 > 0:04:07..really know.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- What's going on there?- Charlie and Manus are best friends
0:04:16 > 0:04:20since Manus got a drone. So me and Cersei Lannister are being civil
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- for the children.- Manus!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30That's weird.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- What?- Well, it's just whenever, um...
0:04:34 > 0:04:37No. Forget it. I'm being paranoid.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Go on, what is it? Tell me. Maybe I can...- Well...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Caroline!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Hello! Again.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Hi. Not working today?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Not today, Spoken Orchid are pretty good with flexitime.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Don't work Fridays, do half day Wednesdays.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Essentially means I've got a three-day week.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Oh, that's sick! That's brilliant.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Yeah, it stops me running around like a mental patient.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00God, yeah, I imagine it does.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Have you heard about this fundraiser?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Oh, God.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04No way...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- I'm organising it. - ..would I miss that,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10because I think we have to do our bit.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13As parents, we have to do our bit.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Got to.- Anything I can do, just say the word.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17We're having a planning meeting, if you'd like to come to that.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19You bet I would! Any time.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Over there.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Oh, it's happening now.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Er, OK, yeah. I'll just get my bits and bobs.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30She still hasn't said your name.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Should...should Kevin come?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Er...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I'd like to take this opportunity to be a little bit creative,
0:05:45 > 0:05:49and think a little bit outside the box, as it were.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Last year I was Nibbles King, do you remember?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I had all the bags of crisps and nuts pinned to me.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59That was fun, wasn't it?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04But I thought this year, I'd go one better -
0:06:04 > 0:06:05human cloakroom.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09So everyone puts their coats on me,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12instead of hanging them up in the cloakroom.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I wear everyone's coats!
0:06:14 > 0:06:18What a sight! And then when everyone's ready to go,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20the cloakroom comes to them.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Let's say we charge £1 a coat.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Why don't we just charge £1 a coat in the cloakroom?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Why?!
0:06:30 > 0:06:31My God, Amanda.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Why are there rainbows?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Why is there Ant and Dec?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Because it's fun.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41It's fun, goodness! Well, I'm going to do it anyway,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43so set up a normal cloakroom if you want.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46But it's going to have stiff competition
0:06:46 > 0:06:47from the human cloakroom.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Let the battle of the cloakrooms commence!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Caroline, I just noticed there's no tombola,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57and I usually do the tombola.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Well, I just thought it didn't feel like a tombola sets the right tone,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- if that makes sense? - Sure. Of course.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I mean, sorry, Amanda, I'm not blocking you.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I just think we should be a bit more ambitious for this one.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11This fundraiser is close to my heart, as you know,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14with Reuben, and what the music room means to him.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Reuben's mythraxic. - Oh, I'm so sorry.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Oh, no, it means he's musically gifted.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Oh, how lovely.- Well, I'm more than happy to melt into the background,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Caroline. I don't know, maybe
0:07:26 > 0:07:28this year I could just...host it.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30MURMURING IN APPROVAL
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Is Liz really doing the drinks?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Because her measures are demented. I mean, do you remember
0:07:34 > 0:07:36the last time she did them?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38No. I don't think anyone does.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Ladies, ladies. Is everyone listening? Everyone?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44We're talking about prizes now.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I really want to make sure we don't get the same old cake sale crap
0:07:47 > 0:07:51this year. Can't we just do something a bit fresher?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Ooh! Ooh! Why don't we make it
0:07:53 > 0:07:55so that everyone gets a chance to host?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57That would be fun, wouldn't it?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- We could all... - We're doing prizes now, Kevin.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Anyone have any ideas? About prizes?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Just off the top of my head, we could do a, uh...
0:08:11 > 0:08:12..auction of promises.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Like, you get a gardener to promise to trim your hedge, or something.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- OK.- They do it a lot at Hollywood events.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Yeah, I love that.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Like Richard Gere promises to go on his yacht.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Ricky Martin does...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30..something. Uma Thurman auctioned a kiss at Cannes,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33and she made 200,000 or something mad.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34THEY GASP
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I love it. We're doing that.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I agree. Let's do it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- I- agree.- Agreed!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46There she is!
0:08:46 > 0:08:47My saviour!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Auction of promises - brilliant.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Oh, please! It's great to be able to contribute to...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- ..this cause.- Listen.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Between ourselves, Spoken Orchid are looking for people at the moment.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Just in case you want to pass along your resume.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Great, I didn't even know that you were looking for people.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08You're coming tonight, right?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Am I? I mean, I can.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I mean, I definitely am.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I love to do events at the school.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I love being at school, out of hours.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22What do you think of this? We thought it would be fun
0:09:22 > 0:09:25to do a thermometer that showed how much money was coming in.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- That is such fun. - Would you mind knocking one up?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Love to. No problem. I've got plenty of time for crafts.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- You need to be able to see it from the back of the hall.- OK!- OK.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Bye.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Still didn't say your name.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Perfect chance there, and all.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Liz, she as good as offered me a job.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46She just wants to see your CV so she can find out your name.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Hey, hey.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51- On the roof.- Ugh, I'm an idiot.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I won't argue with that! Joking!
0:09:54 > 0:09:55It happens to the best of us.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- Did you see that?- Huh?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Caroline Lacy, yeah. She's with Spoken Orchid.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Spoken Orchid. I mean, this could be so useful for us, Paul -
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I mean, me especially.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I mean, the flexitime alone could change my life.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I mean, if you could just have them for an hour or so,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- that would be great. What do you think?- Julia, I can't.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I think this thing's going to go on for another couple of hours.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Sorry, what is it again?
0:10:32 > 0:10:36It's just some team-building bollocks, it never ends.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Baby, I'd better go.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Good luck with the baby-sitter - whatever you want to do,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'm right behind you.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Will you be long?- Not at all.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54It will be like I've barely left.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Help yourself to beers, the kids are asleep, so...
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I'm not much of a night owl.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Oh, dear. What will keep you awake?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Sherry? Literally, help yourself to anything.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I can't be up late.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10And you won't be, Barbara.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13You know, if you're feeling tired, feel free to have a lie-down.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Oh, don't look so worried.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18My mother is dead old, she did this for years.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Do you like MasterChef?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Let's get a bit of MasterChef on.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28There you go. Egg Wallace. Have fun.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Fantastic.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Actually, if you could help me pop that on, maybe. Brilliant.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Tickets, tickets?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I'll remember, it's fine. I'll remember.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Thank you.- Thank you. - It's fun, isn't it?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12You all right? You look very uncomfortable.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, no, having a great time.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16It's fun, isn't it? Isn't it fun?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Everyone's responding really well to it.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20You look like you're melting.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Do you want some water? - Oh, yeah, sure.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I can't bend my arm.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30PHONE RINGTONE
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Someone's phone's ringing.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Don't touch anything, Anne. - I was just looking.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Oh, hey, go easy there now.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Your measures are very large.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40They're not, they're normal.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Normal for a school fundraiser.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Yeah, well, just don't get high off your own supply
0:12:45 > 0:12:46and start acting the giddy goat.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- Oh, shush.- Last time you did the drinks, I woke up in the park.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52My husband was furious.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54What is that anyway?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- I don't know. Sangria? - What is sangria? Red wine?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Anything. Sangria's red wine and anything.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03In Spanish, sangria means "any old shit".
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Can I have some alcohol, please? I don't care what.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- I've got just the thing.- Look, I'm manning the thermometer now.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11I made it, and I'm working it all night.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13It's like building your own gallows.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I want to be able to get straight home.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I've got this sleepy-looking old woman looking after the kids.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24God, I wish he hadn't put my coat on first.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Uh-oh! The drinks are out already.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I'd better get a move on before you're all legless!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43OK. Now.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Can I get a "hey, girl"?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Hey, girl. No? OK...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52OK, welcome, everybody.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Are we going to have fun?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58OK, well, the answer to that question is, you bet we are.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Now. We're going to do things a little bit differently this year.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07We're doing an auction of promises.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Oooh!
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Yeah, just pop your promise on a piece of paper, anything you like,
0:14:15 > 0:14:16and stick it in the box.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18As you know, it's for a good cause.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21We've been trying to get a Yamaha keyboard for the music room
0:14:21 > 0:14:23for a few years.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Now...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I can see there's only two promises in here so far
0:14:28 > 0:14:32so, come on, everybody, let's get those promises in!
0:14:33 > 0:14:34OK. Thank you.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Have you noticed how Amanda hoses herself down
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- every time she interacts with me and my kids?- Does she?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I thought I was imagining it at first, but, yeah.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45What are you eating? Are those onion rings?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- Where did you find those? - Found them in the back.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Oh, from 2002.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52They're 15 years old?!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54It's fine. They are 90% E numbers.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56These crisps will outlive us.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Go on, then. God, no wonder Amanda thinks you're Dirty Jezzy.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01A dirty jezzy?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Oh, my dad used to say it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Short for Jezebel. We were watching Top Of The Pops and he'd say,
0:15:07 > 0:15:08"Look at those dirty jezzies."
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Exactly, she thinks I'm a dirty jezzy.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Oh, don't let it get to you.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Look, if she was a REAL friend, then it might mean something but...
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Coming, Caroline.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Would you like a drink, Amanda?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I never drink when I'm performing.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44- Here you go.- Great.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Do you want to... You can just pop them in the box yourself.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51No, you only have to do one.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Oh, no. I'm doing Kevin and Julia's for them.- OK.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Don't worry. I barely touched them.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Sorry?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Did you think I was funny? - Yeah, funny!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15OK, everybody, I think that's everyone now.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Let's get this show on the road!
0:16:17 > 0:16:18APPLAUSE
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Yay, thanks, Caroline!
0:16:21 > 0:16:26OK, and our first one is...
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Keith Carter.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Where's Keith? There he is.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Hello, Keith. And Keith says he'll do a...
0:16:33 > 0:16:35..portrait of your pet.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36That sounds rather lovely.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Um, shall we start the bidding at £10?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Anyone? £10.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Keith, if someone doesn't have a pet, would you do a family member?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Um, I can't do hands.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51OK.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- £10.- And we're off.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55APPLAUSE
0:16:57 > 0:16:58There you are.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I've had three people asking for you -
0:17:00 > 0:17:03could you please just hang everything up in the cloakroom.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Caroline, are you kidding?!
0:17:05 > 0:17:09I've had a brilliant response to the human cloakroom from...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11..Keith and...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Keith just loved it.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Now, if you'll excuse me.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I need some water.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Fantastic, Samantha! There you go. Congratulations!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Free haircuts for a week. I wish I'd bid on that one.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Free haircuts for a week?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Isn't that just one haircut?
0:17:38 > 0:17:44Ah, this next one is... very exciting.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Kevin Brady.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Where's Kevin?
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Kevin.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Um, Kevin has offered a couple's massage.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Would anyone like a couples massage from Kevin Brady?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I didn't put that in.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05I'll do it if you want, but I haven't got any training.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I put it in. I put a few in.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Kevin, I presume that you'll come to someone's house,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12or do they have to come to you?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17OK. Well, we can work that out later.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Shall we start the bidding at...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22..£25?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Anyone?
0:18:24 > 0:18:25£25?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Come on, who's up for a lovely couple's massage?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31With Kevin.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Give me a drink.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35No-one's bidding on this shit.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37No offence, Kevin, but come on.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Well, I didn't write it, Liz did.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44You've been very generous so far.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Christ, Anne! What is in that?!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Liz made it.- We can do this. I'm watching this thermometer.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53If someone bids on this, you have to do it, Liz.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I'm not giving a couple a massage.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59OK, well, no bids on that one yet.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Maybe we'll come back for it later.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04But thank you anyway, Kevin.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Ladies and gentlemen.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I still haven't done my one yet.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Um... Hmm...
0:19:15 > 0:19:16I know.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19OK.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Just a little surprise for later.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32You saw me after I had the sports jacket?
0:19:32 > 0:19:37I think I had the blue anorak on when I saw you.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That's here. How could I have got to this one,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41and not got to your one?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Oh, wait. I had to take them all off
0:19:45 > 0:19:48when I went to the toilet.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49PHONE RINGTONE
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Someone's...phone's ringing.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57So that's £45 for a meal for two at Alfresco's,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59courtesy of Giuseppe and Lorna!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Thanks, L and G, and congratulations, Nicky.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Enjoy those dough balls.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Uh-oh!
0:20:09 > 0:20:10This is my one.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Um, I can't believe I did this.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Anyway. Bit of fun.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Um...
0:20:20 > 0:20:21I auction...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25..a kiss.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27That's right.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32A kiss to the highest bidder.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Shall we start the bidding at £50?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Who wants a kiss for £50?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Anyone? A kiss from a lady.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Oh, come on, don't be shy.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52This is for charity.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Anyone? Any bids?
0:20:55 > 0:20:5650 pence.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Thanks, Liz. Any raise on 50 pence?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Hmm?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Come on, everyone. This is for children, for the music block.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09We can get those keyboards.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11We're so close, come on.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Anyone?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- £1.- No-one raised it.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Oh, 50 pence still.
0:21:17 > 0:21:2050 pence still. Still 50 pence.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Any raise over 50 pence?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26£1?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Does anyone want to bid £1?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- £1.- No-one raised it!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Oh, sorry. Sorry, that's it, isn't it?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Have I won? No-one else is bidding on it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Who else? OK, well.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41I think that Liz is having a little bit of fun with me right now,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43because I don't think that 50...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47MURMURING
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- PHONE RINGTONE - There's that phone again.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Can somebody help me find it?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Look, I really need to leave.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Let's make a real push to get our target up.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34We are so close, guys, to getting this keyboard.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40I know how important music is to our kids - my son, Reuben,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42is very musically gifted.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45And he really found his voice when he got his first euphonium.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Which, for those of you who don't know, is a dinky little tuba.
0:22:48 > 0:22:54So let's dig deep, and shell out.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Can I... Can I grab that for a minute?
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Sorry. I just wanted to take this opportunity to ask the parents,
0:23:01 > 0:23:02and everybody here,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05to give a massive round of applause
0:23:05 > 0:23:08to Miss Caroline Lacy, who has
0:23:08 > 0:23:10organised this whole bloody thing.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Caroline Lacy.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Thank you. So much.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Shall I do the next promise?
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Yeah.
0:23:22 > 0:23:28Oh! This one is from Julia Johnston...
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Where's Julia?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Um...I'm Julia.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Julia.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Of course.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Oh, my goodness. This is an interesting one!
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Maid for a week...
0:23:44 > 0:23:47You're going to be someone's maid for a whole week?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50That's wonderful! Oh, my God!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Julia, thank you.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- What?- That's so good of you.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Sorry, I don't know what's happening now.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I think this is a bit of a special one, so shall we start it at £25?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- £25.- £25! Already!- I don't know what's happening now.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Any advance on 25?
0:24:05 > 0:24:10- £30.- Anyone else like to bid on Julia being your maid
0:24:10 > 0:24:12for a whole week?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I presume that's weekdays, Julia?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17No, I can't be a maid for a week, I...
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Any more for any more?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I can't do the thing that I'm moving the arrow for.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- £50.- 50, thank you!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25That's wrong as an amount, because I...
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- I can't...- £100!- Thank you!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- 200!- Thank you!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Well, ladies and gentlemen,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37we did it. We hit the target, we did it!
0:24:39 > 0:24:43We didn't do it, no. No, no, no, no. We didn't do it.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46We didn't do it. I can't be a maid for a week.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I can't do this. I didn't write this.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52This isn't me. I didn't do this. I didn't write this. Can I see that?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Can I see that? Can I see it?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Can I see it? Thank you. This isn't my handwriting.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Who wrote this? Liz?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I'm so sorry. I can't commit to this.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05This is some kind of, someone's idea of a very funny joke.
0:25:05 > 0:25:12I'm a working mother, and I can't possibly be a maid for a week.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Maybe I could do a Saturday. But I definitely can't do this Saturday,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21because we have to go and see my husband's family this Saturday.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22But I could check my iCal,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25there might be a Saturday at the end of September.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27But that would have to be a very, very light pencil.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I'm so sorry. It's just the practicalities of...
0:25:33 > 0:25:36I'll tell you what. Listen. Why don't we just...
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Let's take it off the table, off the table, off the table, off the table.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Let's start again. Let's start again.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Caroline, what's the next promise?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Julia, please can I have the microphone back?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47No. I'll bid on it.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Whatever it is, I will bid on it, let's have a little look in the box.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52And we have two nights in a cottage in Margate.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55What do we need for the total? We need £200.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56I'll pay 200!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I'll pay £200!
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Boom! And we've done it!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05We've done it, everybody.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Can I get a "whoop, whoop"!
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Whoop, whoop!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17We did it!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Thank you, Julia.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20No problem.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22It's for a great cause.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I can't believe I just spent £200 on a shit hole in Margate.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27That's my summer home. That was my promise.
0:26:34 > 0:26:39I've a message for the owner of the teal Alice coat.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Um, your phone went off numerous times.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Apparently there's been a flood in your bathroom.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53The people downstairs have gone to a hotel for the night.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Your children are safe, the baby-sitter's safe.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58The fire brigade have been around,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00so there's nothing to worry about there.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02The cat is unaccounted for,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06but it's unlikely there is a sad ending.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08You know cats.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12But unfortunately, it doesn't sound like the hallway rug is salvageable.
0:27:12 > 0:27:17So... So hit me up at the back of the hall, if you want to call Jenny.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Although she says there's not a lot you can do about it now, so...
0:27:23 > 0:27:24..so enjoy your evening.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Um...
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Although the evening is, of course, over.