0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:08It would involve some light cleaning, light ironing and light cooking. Can you drive? Great.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Light driving. And would you want to live in or do you have a family
0:00:10 > 0:00:14- of your own? - No, I've got a family of my own.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- Two little boys. I have a photo. - No, it's OK, I believe you.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Sorry, the agency didn't say. What would be your hourly rate?
0:00:20 > 0:00:24It's 18 an hour, and in overtime it's 20 an hour.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- Net.- Huh?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Yeah, well, London is expensive.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32I'd be travelling in from Pinner, and then I've got to pay for
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- childcare, and food...- What, what, what do you do for childcare?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39- Well, I've got a nanny, innit? - You've got a nanny?- Yeah.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- Of course.- Sorry, just out of interest, what is her hourly rate?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44What do you pay your nanny?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Not a lot, she's Irish.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Oh, right. So, just out of interest again, where, where did you find her?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52From an agency called Mothers Help.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Are you writing this down in your phone?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58No, no, no, I'm...
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I'm just setting a reminder for something I need to do later.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02So, what was the name of the agency again?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Mother's Help, it's on Fair Street in Pi...
0:01:06 > 0:01:10- You are writing this down. - OK, yes, sorry, I am, yes.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I'm sorry. Do you know how to get the bips off an iPhone 6S?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15that bip noise, the bip, bip...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Oh, you're leaving? Oh, thank you so much for coming.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Actually, I do think Pinner is a bit of a schlep, so I'm afraid it's
0:01:20 > 0:01:24- going to be a no from me.- Yeah, no shit. It's a no from me, too!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27That said, would you be interested in a nanny share at all?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30You don't have to answer now. Just have a thinkety-think.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I've gone into settings, hold on.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Wait.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- Yeah, I've gone into settings. - Control centre.- Right.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45- Sounds and haptics.- Haptics?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Is that in settings? I've gone into settings.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Just bloody give it to me!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- Who is that guy? - What? I don't know.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Is that little Sophia on his lap.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Where did he spring from?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Why is he at the big table?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Oh, shit, I missed a call from work!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I'm organising this really big event, a real step up.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I'm doing an onstage introduction with Malcolm Spender.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Who's Malcolm Spender?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I just assumed everyone knew who he was.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- The war photographer!- Whatever.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Whatever?! What does that mean?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Do you know his work, Liz?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26No, but war photographers...
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Actually, I just need to talk to Amanda about the, uh...
0:02:33 > 0:02:34I just need to tell them about...
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Morning, ladies. Just an update...
0:02:40 > 0:02:43On the old park fun run.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Apparently they were thinking about cancelling the under-12s 2K,
0:02:46 > 0:02:50but, uh, I think they've changed their minds.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Just, just passing that along.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Hello! - HE LAUGHS
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Amanda, are you going to introduce me to your new friend?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Kevin, this is Sophia's dad, James.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08James is an old friend. God, we go back years, don't we?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12We were both front of house at Bibendum back in the day, but he's
0:03:12 > 0:03:14well past that now. Aren't you? You are.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16He runs Bobble Nation, the online knitwear company,
0:03:16 > 0:03:19and he's married to the very beautiful Tandy,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21who's also a very dear friend of mine.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- JAMES CHUCKLES - James, this is Kevin.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Hi, Kevin.- Hi, James.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I was just telling everyone about the under-12s 2K almost getting
0:03:33 > 0:03:36cancelled, but anyway, you probably heard.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Nice to have another stay-at-home dad on the street.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- SAD.- Huh?- Stay-Athome Dad.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- SAD.- SAD! - LAUGHTER
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Yes, I never, I never thought of that.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53But I'm more of an out-and-about dad.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58OAAD.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02That's two things we've got in common, then.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- Oh, yes, what's that?- Both sad and married to hotties.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Both bagged ourselves a couple of hot wives, by the sound of it.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Anyway, see you all at little Samantha's party tomorrow.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- We'll all be there. - Yeah, we'll be there too, Kevin.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23Great. And if you want to chat or to say hi, I'm usually at the...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Toilet table.- ..that table.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- The toilet table.- It's not the toilet table, Amanda.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30It's next to the drinks.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Oh.- If anything, it's the fridge table.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35HE FORCES A CHUCKLE
0:04:37 > 0:04:39LIZ YAWNS
0:04:59 > 0:05:01INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I think it's cruel to call it a pool party, because when people say pool
0:05:15 > 0:05:17party, you think, "Oh, Jonathan Ross's house."
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Who, who does this deliberately?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh, no, I love a pool party!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Probably because I never went to them as a kid.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I never even got in a paddling pool until I was 15.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- What's Liz doing?- Oh, she's found some guy's wallet.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I think she's trying to get it back to him.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Hi, Liz.- All right?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Why have you come as Hillary Clinton?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Oh! Uh, no, I just wanted to make a good impression on Malcolm,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46the war photographer.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49So, what's this? What's this? Why are you doing this?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Well, war photographers. They think they're all that, don't they?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Think they're all that? War photographers think they're all that?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Liz, he works in disaster zones.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00He spends his whole life looking into the abyss.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Give me a break.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I'd hate to look into an abyss.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Did you find your wallet guy?
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I just called him. He's going to text me when he's done with work and
0:06:10 > 0:06:12we're going to meet. He does have a fit voice.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14You know what else I like about him?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16He has no loyalty cards at all.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Just got three cards. Gym, Visa, Oyster.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Got to respect that.- What does he do?- I don't know.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- I'll text him.- Kevin, mate,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27you're all right to take mine back to yours after, yeah?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- I'll get you back.- Oh, actually,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31that would be great because I need tomorrow afternoon off to pick up my
0:06:31 > 0:06:35mother-in-law. She had a nasty fall a few weeks ago and I have to take
0:06:35 > 0:06:36her for a check-up at the hospital.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- Could you collect my kids after school?- Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah. I mean, I can't do that
0:06:40 > 0:06:43tomorrow afternoon, but next time she has a nasty fall,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46absolutely. Right, I'd better be going. Bye-bye. Bye, darlings.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Where are you going?- Huh? I've got to pick up some bits and bobs before
0:06:49 > 0:06:51the event, some deodorant...
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- No, no, you can't go.- Sorry, what's she talking about?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56You have to supervise at a pool party.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- What are you talking about?- There's one adult per two kids.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- It's not a drop-off? - No, it's not a drop-off!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Otherwise I wouldn't be standing here, inhaling verruca fumes.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Oh, come on!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Jesus. Right.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13OK, it's fine.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16It's fine. I'll just, I'll watch from the viewing platform and
0:07:16 > 0:07:19then I'll leg it. It's...it's...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- fine.- Boys and girls,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24hands up if you're here for Samantha's birthday party.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26OK, great, great. Mums and dads,
0:07:26 > 0:07:30if I can get you all to just start to line up, and just as a reminder for health and safety,
0:07:30 > 0:07:35I will need one adult in the water with every two non-swimmers, all right?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- What does she mean in the water? - You'll have to get in the pool.
0:07:38 > 0:07:43- What? No, you can do that.- No, it's one adult per two non-swimmers.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I'm one adult, and there's four non-swimmers.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Five.- Yeah, but does anyone really count?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Really?- She does.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52No, I can't do...
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Look at me! I can't, I can't... Look at my hair, my jacket!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Maybe don't wear your suit in the pool.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Just try not to get your head in the water.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- I never do.- Anyway, I don't, I don't have a swimsuit, so...
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I've got my wife's costume in my bag.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09The gusset sticker's still attached, so it's hygienic as hell.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Why have you got your wife's swimsuit?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Just in case, I suppose.- Have you got tampons in there as well?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- What size?- OK, OK.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19It's fine. It's fine.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23I can dangle my legs in the water or I can stand at the side.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28LIZ CHUCKLES
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- He's a scaffolder.- What's so funny?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Just the way he said it. "Scaffolder." Dry.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39LOUD INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:42This way, this way!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Excuse me. Mind your ears.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Push through, push through!
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- Where should I put my jacket? - Uh, just here, give it to me.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Yeah, look in the bag, sweetheart, look in the bag.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11This is cool, this is cool. Get away from there, OK? Don't touch that!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Hangers!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Did anyone bring a hanger with them?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21A wire one will do.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Anyone?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Shit!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Hello, Keith.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30- All right?- It's Kevin.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34What's the first rule of swimming?
0:09:35 > 0:09:39The first rule of swimming is always blow your armbands up at home.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Yeah, I've got this, actually.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I do usually pre-blow,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47it's just I ran out of time, wrapping Samantha's present.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Oh, yes.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Nice togs, by the way.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Are they the pair that Nick Clegg wore on holiday that time?
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- Yeah, they are, actually. - Great casual dresser, Clegg.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Yeah, if I was a woman, I think he'd be my guilty crush.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Or gay.- What?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Well, if you were gay, he could be your guilty crush, too.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- Yeah, good one. - HE FORCES A LAUGH
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- See you out there. - Yeah, see you out there.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Loser.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Excuse me!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Excuse me! Hello! Hello! Anyone there?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Please, could you? Thank you. BEEP
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Hello, sorry, do you have long lockers?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- What?- Long lockers.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Lockers that are long lockers, if you have something long that you
0:10:34 > 0:10:37need to hang up. Full-length lockers, like a wardrobe.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40It's just my jacket's getting very crumpled. It's a designer jacket.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Why are you wearing a designer jacket to a swimming pool?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Do you have long lockers?- No.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49OK, thank you. Thank you for your help.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Thank you, good day to you.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Sorry, could you...could you just...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58could you just...? Thank you. BEEP
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Manus, just stay right where I can see you, OK?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Have you seen James?- Oh, I think I saw him heading to the men's, yeah.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Oh, we were supposed to meet outside. We go way back.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15He's such a wonderful guy.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Very good friends with his wife Tandy, actually.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Yeah, yeah, you said that when we were...- Did he ask where I was?- No.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Yes.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Oh, God, your legs look lovely and smooth, Samantha.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Oh, yeah.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Between you and me, I've had everything from here down
0:11:33 > 0:11:36lasered off. Not a wisp.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- God, that's terrific! - You should think about it, hon.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I don't want to miss wallet guy's call.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52My plan is to meet outside a pub so when I give him his wallet back,
0:11:52 > 0:11:56we can go into the pub, so it looks like I've got a date.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58That's not a date. You've got his wallet. That's like a hostage.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01If he still wants to meet you after you've given him the wallet back,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03then, yeah, that's like a date.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I don't know. I'm really starting to like this guy, Julia.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Oh, God. Have you ever looked directly into the eye of a pool filter?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11It's just full of pubes and... SHE GAGS
0:12:11 > 0:12:12..skin and plasters.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Look, I've just got to look prepared to go in.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I'm just going to sit on the edge and look at the water.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Yeah, that'll definitely work.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Oh, look at you, all dolled up with your big hair.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27It's not cos there's a certain new dad on the scene, is it?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32What? No, no. I've got a work thing tonight.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- I've got a book launch. - All right, calm down! - SHE LAUGHS
0:12:36 > 0:12:40You can give him a copy of your CV when he surfaces, Julia.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41- Come on, Anne.- Oh, sorry.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- WHISTLE BLOWS - No phones in the pool!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Hang on, I'm just going to get this bloke to mind my phone.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- Can you look after my phone for me? - No, absolutely not.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Aw, just for a bit. It's just that I'm waiting for a really important
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- call.- No, absolutely not. - Aw, come on, mate.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- How about if I give you a tenner? - All right.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Eeewwww!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Ugh! Ugh!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26SHE SCREAMS
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- WHISTLE BLOWS - No bombing!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Thought you weren't getting in!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Liz!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Please, don't hit Daddy in the face with the dolphin.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Liz!
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Say, "The Coach And Horses."
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Say, "They do craft ales."
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Do a dot-dot-dot, then, "Could be fun", question mark.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I could hold my breath for that long.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I have done many a time, when I get hiccups.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Which is every time I drink a cider.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Oh!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Eeewwww!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54SHE YELPS
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I don't like this at all.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Hello, Anne.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Where's Darius, then?- Oh,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10we decided to keep him off swimming for the time being.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Yeah, he gets dermatosis from the floats.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- What, you've come here on your own? - No, no, he's up there!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Do you know, I lost a ring in this pool late last year.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Yeah. I shed a lot of weight a while back because of the IBS,
0:15:23 > 0:15:27and I must have lost 1lb off my hands and wrists alone,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30which meant that my grandmother's ring just slipped off and
0:15:30 > 0:15:32got sucked into a filter.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36They actually named me after her, but, erm, she died
0:15:36 > 0:15:38when I was about five days old.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41So the only thing I have left of her now are these earrings which...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I don't want to make your day worse, but your tit's hanging out.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Excuse me one minute.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Ah!- What the hell is going on?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04What are you doing? You gave me the fright of my life!
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Did you follow me into a swimming pool?!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I'm not going to follow you, mother! I'm not psychotic!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12You said you were busy all week. This isn't busy, this is swimming.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- It's exercise.- No, it's not, you're barely moving!
0:16:14 > 0:16:20It isn't my fault that you haven't organised your childcare.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22You've got some cheek,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24swimming up to me and saying that.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I haven't had time, mother,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29because I have been busy looking after your grandchildren.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34What's important now is that you're here,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37so if you wouldn't mind taking over, then I can go and get...
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- I'm not taking over, I'm exercising! - Don't you swim away from me, mother!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Come back here!
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Don't you swim away from me!
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Hey, Kevin! Kevin! Do you want to join in the human wave machine?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I wrangled some of the bigger mums.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Don't do it, Kevin.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Yeah! Fine!
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Whatever!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08He's such a great guy.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Kevin?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Don't be ridiculous. James.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I'm his "the one that got away."
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Crazy, I know.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Please don't tell anyone that. I turned him down years ago,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21broke his heart a bit,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23and then he got with his wife Tandy.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27But I think he still has a bit of a thing for me.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Right, so, everybody, listen up.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40On the count of three. You ready? One...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Two... Three!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Pull! Pull!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Pull!
0:17:47 > 0:17:52Pull! Pull! Pull!
0:17:52 > 0:17:57Pull! Pull! Pull!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Pull!
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Kevin?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I've got you, man, don't worry.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19It's all right. I've got you, there you go. There you go.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- It's all right. You all right, bud?- Yes, I'm all right, bud!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- My God! Breathe, breathe! - I didn't need to be saved!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I was out there enjoying the thrill of the current.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I don't jump in the pool every time, every time you go for a swim.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS - It's OK, we've got you.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41That's it, up you get.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53HE BREATHES FRANTICALLY
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Oh, oh! Oh!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I'm just worried that sounded a bit eager.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30When did he last text?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- 4:15.- And when did I text?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- 4:16.- Liz!- Did he ring?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Did my phone just...?
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Oh. It's all gone a bit quiet. I'm sure it's fine. What's up?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- Uh, I did a bit of a silly thing. - What?- I, uh...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I threw James's trousers out of the window.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Oh. That's normal.- It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00I didn't think. It was red mist or the heat of the changing room or...
0:20:00 > 0:20:02He just, I don't know, he just
0:20:02 > 0:20:06wound me up, and I mean, I immediately regretted it.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Well, just put them back! - Well, I tried, but...
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I looked outside, but I couldn't see them.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15He'll just think someone nicked them. You know, things get stolen.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18I used to get new trainers from changing rooms all the time when I
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- was a kid.- Hey, Kev. Hi.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I saw this at the bottom of the pool. Dived down and got it.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24I think it might be yours.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Thanks.- No worries.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Did my phone just ring?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- The hero! - SHE CHUCKLES
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Hello.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48I think he was a bit upset.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51He said my watch strap scratched his neck or something.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- It's so great reconnecting with you. - Yeah.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58After all these years!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- And you and Tandy, still together. - Mmm.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05In a way, I feel like I should take credit for it.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- What? How?- Because...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Cos, of course, we had our little thing,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- when you asked me out and I said no. - What?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17But just think, if I hadn't had turned you down,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19you wouldn't have rebounded with Tandy.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23I think it was, like, literally the next day!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- What?!- You asked her out the next day, after I turned you down.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29You didn't turn me down.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- Yes, I did.- I didn't ask you out.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34- You did.- What?!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Oh, shit! Yeah!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- I did ask you out.- You did.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Yeah, I'd completely forgotten that. - HE LAUGHS
0:21:56 > 0:21:58WHISTLE BLOWS
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Everyone wearing a green wristband,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04please make your way out of the pool.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- MOBILE PHONE RINGS - Did he ring?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Did my phone just...?
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Give it to me!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Hello.- All right, come on, then.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21OK, let's get that off. No, no, no, no, not the coat, not the coat!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Not the coat! Not the coat, oh, God!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26OK. OK!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30He called, Kevin! Wallet man called, and I have to go now!
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- OK, have fun.- No, now, Kevin! I have to go now! You have to take my kids!
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- I'm already taking Julia's kids.- You have to take my kids, Kevin, please!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Please, Kevin, take my fucking kids!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Fine!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06DRYER DIES
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Hey, Kev, mate.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Sorry about the wave machine thing.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I shouldn't have made you do it.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Sorry I shouted at you.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24And thanks for getting me out.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- It's all right.- It's just usually I'm the first aider, you know,
0:23:27 > 0:23:31because I'm fully qualified with St John's Ambulance.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- But sorry.- Seriously, it's fine.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I get a bit overexcited sometimes,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38just getting to spend time with my kids.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Until this week, they barely noticed if I was home, you know?
0:23:44 > 0:23:45They don't rely on me because
0:23:45 > 0:23:47they're so used to not having me around.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Well, that's...
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I'm, I'm sorry to hear that.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58But it can be lonely being a full-time dad, too, though, you
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- know.- Yeah, but you've got to think about all the good things about it.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Your kids adore you.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07I can see that. I'd kill to have that kind of bond.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10You're probably the first parent they call for in the night when
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- they've had a bad dream.- Always.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I knew it.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20You're...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Wait a second.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Wait a minute. It's...
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Where's my trousers?- Mmm? - My trousers...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33My...my trousers aren't here.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Trousers?- Definitely not here. - Trousers, trousers...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- What, what did they look like? - Trousers, they look like trousers!
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Here, er, take mine. We're almost the same height.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- What?- Honestly, take them. - Well, what are you going to wear?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Honestly, I'll wear the towel home. - Why?- Come on, you'd do the same
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- for me.- No, I wouldn't.- Take my trousers, James.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- No!- Take my bloody trousers, James!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Liz.- Russell.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17It's Mitch. My surname's Mitchum, so Mitch.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Well, here's your wallet, Mitch Mitchum.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It's got your three cards and your £10.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Count it, it's all there.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29And I sorted your receipts and did your tax returns.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Not really. No, I haven't.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Do you have to wear that for...
0:25:37 > 0:25:38- scaffolding?- No, erm...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- I rode over here.- Oh, what, you've got a motorbike?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Yeah. You want to see it?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47What, you don't want to go in for a drink, or...?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49No, no, let's see the bike.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Shall I rev it up?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01ENGINE REVS
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh, yeah! Yeah, very good.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Very good.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Do you want to... Do you want to go in for a drink?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Oh, for fuck's sake!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Can I have... Can I have a bit of hush, please?
0:26:43 > 0:26:47It is a huge honour tonight that we have in our midst...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51one of my...
0:26:51 > 0:26:52personal heroes.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Ladies and gentlemen, can I introduce to you...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Malcolm Spender.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01APPLAUSE
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Thank you, Julia.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08The cover of my book is a photo of our hotel
0:27:08 > 0:27:10just after it was destroyed.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13The surrounding area was completely devastated.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16People wandering blindly,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19human beings at their most miserable and vulnerable.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24I can't begin to describe the squalor and degradation we witnessed
0:27:24 > 0:27:26over the next few hours.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29It was the closest thing I'd ever seen to hell on earth.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Oh, give me a break!