0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:11 > 0:00:15'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.'
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# She's Mrs Brown
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# That's Mrs Brown
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Shit!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello, and merry Christmas to you.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Don't you just love Christmas? It's my favourite time of the year!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Although I feel sorry for people with young children.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43It's getting harder and harder for Santa Claus to keep them happy.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47One year, Dermot asked me for something to wear and something to play with.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51I got him a pair of trousers and I cut the pockets out.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52He still has them!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Oh, right. That's the decorating finished.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01You know, it can be a lonely time, Christmas.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07A lot of people think "lonely" means "alone" - it doesn't.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09You can be lonely in a packed room
0:01:09 > 0:01:12if the one person you're missing isn't there.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Well, I won't be lonely this Christmas.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17This is my son Trevor.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21He's away on the missions and I haven't seen him for four years.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24But this Christmas he's coming home.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Agnes?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- There's tea made there, Winnie! Is it snowing yet?- No.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Feck it!
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Anyway, with Trevor coming home,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36I want to make this a really special Christmas!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Grandad, there's tea made!
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Grandad?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Grandad?!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Must be asleep...
0:01:44 > 0:01:45or feckin' dead.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Either one suits me.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51# Stuff the turkey's arse with holly
0:01:51 > 0:01:53# Tra-la-la-la-la
0:01:53 > 0:01:55# La-la la-la
0:01:55 > 0:01:57# Tis the season to be jolly
0:01:57 > 0:01:58# To...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00# It is the sea...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# To do the jolly... #
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Winnie, is this feckin' happy hour?
0:02:07 > 0:02:12It's Jacko's job. They've put him on a three-day week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Jeez, he won't like that - having to work an extra day.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21It's not funny, Agnes Brown. We can barely manage as it is.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I won't be able to afford Jacko's medicine. I'll lose the house.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29I'll be livin' on the streets, in and out of hostels. I'll probably become a junkie!
0:02:32 > 0:02:33What'll I do, Agnes?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36If I was you, I'd go home and feckin' hang meself!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42"Lose the house." Sure, your rent is only a couple of euro a month.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46And your house is in such shite the council wouldn't take it back if you asked them.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I never thought of that.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Here, I could get a job!
0:02:51 > 0:02:55- I gave up my career when I married Jacko! - Winnie, Mrs Whippy's not a career!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59But you're right - you could get a job.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Maybe you could work for one of those escort agencies.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07- Do you think?- Oh, yes! I'm sure loads of rich men want to go out with their ugly feckin' granny!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11No, I was joking!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15But you're right - you could get a job.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17It'd give you something to do.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And I'm going to be busy on the stall coming up to Christmas.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Come in there for a week - that'll give you a few bob.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Thanks, Agnes. You know, you're right, pet.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28The Lord doesn't close one door, but he opens another one.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Is right, Winnie. Now you open that door and feck off!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- Morning!- You're up early, Maria.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I thought you weren't in work till two o'clock!
0:03:42 > 0:03:43THEY CHUCKLE
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Did you just bang your breast off the table?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Told you shouldn't have gone for the enlargement.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Morning! - Hello, love. Maria, you're up early.
0:03:58 > 0:04:04- Yeah. Any news?- Yes, actually. Father Quinn's asked me to be in the Nativity play.- Really?- Yes.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- As what?- The Virgin Mary, I think.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Seriously?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Well, that's great!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- Morning, everybody!- Morning, love!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Good morning. Do you want a cup of tea, Henry?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Henry?- Who the hell is Henry?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- Henry - Santa Claus' reindeer.- He didn't have a reindeer called Henry!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Yes, he did - Henry the brown-nosed reindeer.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Just as fast as Rudolph, but he couldn't stop as quick!
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Well, I'm not Henry.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43But you are a gorgeous reindeer.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Anyway, I'd better go. I'll see yous later.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Hang on. I'll be with you. Mammy, hold the tea - I'm going.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Hey, Dermot, I think it's going to snow today!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I don't think so, Ma.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54For feck's sake!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56DOORBELL RINGS
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Do you know, I forget how lucky I am sometimes -
0:05:00 > 0:05:04especially this year, with Trevor coming home.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07For the first time in four years...
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- I'm going to have all me family together for Christmas. - SHE CHUCKLES
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Oh. Hello, Higgley.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- HILLARY CLEARS THROAT - Come in!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Would you like some tea, Higgley?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Do you have anything that's not a mug?- The dog's dish!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Hmm. No thanks, Agnes.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33It's just a brief visit. Are Maria and Dermot here?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36No, you just missed them. She kissed him on the horn and off they went!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I see you've started the decorations.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Started? Yes, I've a bit more to do yet. Yep, yep.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47We had over a thousand lights up last year, all over the place!
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Oh, we had lots of lights.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52I was afraid to count them in case Christmas'd be over before I finished.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56We had to go outside and divert the aeroplanes.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"This is not the airport. Keep going!"
0:05:59 > 0:06:02They'd all go... Over Queen's Head, down... Mm-hm.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Yes, well, I just called to ask you,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09is there any food that Dermot either doesn't like or is allergic to?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Jesus, no! If you left your arm on the table long enough, he'd eat it.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Good! I'm just planning the Christmas Day menu
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and I want to make sure I don't make any mistakes!
0:06:18 > 0:06:23- Right, I'll be off!- Hold on, hold on a sec. Wait a second. Wait a second.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Hold on a second, now. Stick on the handbrake there.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Dermot and Maria will be having their Christmas dinner HERE, with the family!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35No, no. I've already spoken to Maria and she has confirmed -
0:06:35 > 0:06:40they'll be spending their first married Christmas at the Nicholson household.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Right, then. I'll leave you with it.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45You obviously have a lot more decorating to do.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I'm so looking forward to a family Christmas.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Bye!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53SAD MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:53 > 0:06:55AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Isn't she a bitch?!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- Have them. - SHE CHUCKLES
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- Hello, Mrs Brown!- Hello, Buster! Is it snowing out there?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11No.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13For feck's sake!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I have the deal of the century.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16What is it?
0:07:17 > 0:07:23Chocolate Kimberley - the Christmas presentation tin. Only two euro!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- Buster, are these stolen? - No, no. More or less legit.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I bought 2,000 tins - for 50 cent a tin!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31That IS a good price!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I should mention in the interest of fairness
0:07:33 > 0:07:36that there are chocolate biscuits and presentation boxes
0:07:36 > 0:07:38from all kinds of manufacturers,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41available in stores all over the United Kingdom.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Aren't there, Buster?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Yeah!
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Best before... Buster, these are last year's!
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Watch!
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Now they're this year's!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05And you owe me 50 euro for the turkey!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Oh, when can you deliver him?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09CLUCKING
0:08:13 > 0:08:15You didn't?!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- Well, you said "fresh"! - I didn't mean in the feckin' egg!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22What am I supposed to feed him?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I don't know.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28He likes Chocolate Kimberley!
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- What's he doing here alive? - I'm sure he's looking at you thinking the same feckin' thing.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54It's like a feckin' zoo in there.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56A turkey and a pig!
0:08:59 > 0:09:00You still working, Cathy?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03No. I'm on just chatting on Facebook!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05What were you doing upstairs?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Practising me audition! - What audition?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Father Quinn's asked me to be in the Nativity!
0:09:10 > 0:09:11- Really?- Yes!- As what?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Virgin Mary, I think!
0:09:14 > 0:09:15No, really?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Lovely. That'll be fun!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Do you want to see me audition? Watch, watch!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31She's side saddle on her donkey!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37As she comes up to the inn, you see... Whoa, whoa, Caesar!
0:09:39 > 0:09:40She called it after a salad!
0:09:42 > 0:09:46She knocks on the door - boom, boom, boom! - and the innkeeper...
0:09:46 > 0:09:50"Hello. Who's there?" And Mary says "I am - Mary!"
0:09:50 > 0:09:53So he opens the door and goes, "There is no room at the inn!"
0:09:53 > 0:09:57And she says, "But... But I am exhausted.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00"I have come across the desert on my ass."
0:10:03 > 0:10:07And the innkeeper said, "And a lovely ass it is, too!"
0:10:09 > 0:10:13And his wife heard this so she comes over and she goes,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"Are you all right, Madam? Are you pregnant?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19And Mary said, "No, excuse me. First name - Virgin.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"But I do go to WeightWatchers.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29"That's why I'm on the salad!" Ha-ha!
0:10:34 > 0:10:35It's good, isn't it?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- It's great! - Ah, thanks, love. Thanks very much!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- So, how's Winnie doing? - Winnie's doing grand.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44She's going to be a consumer advocate for a magazine.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48They'll send her products. She tries them out, writes a little report and sends it in.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50That's fantastic!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53They said that she's the perfect consumer.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Baffles me - she buys fuck all!
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Well, good for her!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"Good for her" is right!
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- Oh, dear. The signal is going. - Why does that always happen when I'm feckin' near it?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I don't know, Mammy - must be all the static you collect.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Want me to do the usual? - That'd be great. Thanks, Mammy!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17There it is, back again!
0:11:19 > 0:11:23And now look - Trevor says hello from the missions!
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- Aw! Tell him that Mammy was... - Signal!
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Tell him his mammy loves him and I'm counting the days till he gets home.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35What's he saying?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Er, he says he's counting them too.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42You know, sometimes I sit in the kitchen, thinking about him coming home for Christmas,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44and I'm fit to feckin' burst with excitement!
0:11:44 > 0:11:45He's just the same, he says!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Did you see what Trevor wrote on Facebook?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52It's exciting, isn't it?!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54HE SQUEALS
0:11:57 > 0:12:01I swear to God that child has to get looser underpants!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Here, Cathy, I had Mrs Nicholson over.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Do you know what she said?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11She thinks Dermot and Maria are going to her house for Christmas!
0:12:11 > 0:12:15They are. And they are worried about having to tell you.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17They're right to be worried.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Hiya, Dermo. All right, Maria?
0:12:24 > 0:12:25- Howya, Buster?- Is your ma here?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- No, she's not back from the stall yet.- Good.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- What are you doing here? - I have to kill the turkey.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34And your ma said I was to do it when she wasn't here.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- God, I don't know if I want to be here either.- Yeah. Me neither.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- Right. Here we go! - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Hello, Mr Turkey.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Nice Mr Turkey...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- All right, Mammy?- I'm grand, son.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57D'you know, I've been thinking.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- Yeah?- Maria, we have you here all year round.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I think it might be a good idea if the two of yous
0:13:04 > 0:13:07went to Maria's mother's for Christmas dinner this year.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Well, if you think it's a good idea...- Then you can come back here for tea,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16and we have tea together with the whole family!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18That'd be great, Mammy. Tea in our house.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- The family tea!- And with Trevor home, a really special one!
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Yeah!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- Are you all right? - I couldn't do it, Dermo.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32CLUCKING
0:13:35 > 0:13:37He said my name.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43B-u-u-u-uster.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Winnie, where's Mammy?- She's doing her audition for Father Quinn.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Not any more, she's not. Look at this!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12How did your audition go?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18It went well. Father Quinn made a couple of adjustments.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I think did enough to get the part. Thank you, Mr Foley!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- Well, good for you, Agnes!- Cheers!
0:14:25 > 0:14:28A bale of hay for the donkey, Mr Foley!
0:14:31 > 0:14:35I'd better go in and water this donkey. You must be bursting, are you?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I'll hold your tail.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Haven't held a tail in a while!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- Betty, love, we'd better make a move.- Aye.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Mark, someone needs to tell Mammy about Trevor.- I don't mind.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It's not as easy as you think.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Look...Mammy's just going to have to accept it. Trevor's not coming home - that's that!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59AGNES CHUCKLES
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I tried to cock me leg but I couldn't reach the bowl!
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- Right, we'd better go - have to get back to the babysitter. - Yeah, night, Ma.- Night, son.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Mammy, before he goes,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Mark has something he wants to say to you. Don't you, Mark?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16What, love?
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Well, Ma, you know the way everybody is really busy at Christmas?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Yes. You're lucky if you can get everything done. You're flying...
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Now, is this about my Christmas present? You're not to be getting me anything big.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29We're not - just a token present.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Feckin' token?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35It better be a token shaped like a flat-screen TV!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Never mind that. Go on, Mark!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Well, Ma, it's about Trevor coming home.- Yes, love?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- I just want you to know that... - Yes, love?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- ..no matter how busy it gets...- Yes?
0:15:47 > 0:15:51..I'll be at the airport to meet him. OK, let's go.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- He's a good boy. Good boy, son! - Wait for me...you chicken shit!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Dear Sir or Madam.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04No, no. To whom it may concern...
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Regarding your product, Hollywood Celebrity eye drops...
0:16:15 > 0:16:17..we have discovered a flaw.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22When administered the recommended dose of 23 drops...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29It's two to three drops!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Scrap the letter! Just mark it.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- What are we marking it out of? - Out of ten.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Well, give it a... Oh, just put down "shite".
0:16:42 > 0:16:44And that's it, Winnie. That's the last one.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- No there's one more, Agnes! - No, love, we're done.- Agnes, look.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Oh!
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- Mother of Jesus! What's that? - It's a crash helmet.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- How do I test that?- Slip it on and I'll throw you at the fuckin' wall!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Seriously, Agnes, what am I going to do with it?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06AGNES SIGHS
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Grandad...
0:17:12 > 0:17:13we have ear muffs for you.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18You'll like these. Wait till you see this... Now, this is lovely! Now...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23He looks like Marlon Brando.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Rebel Without "Applause".
0:17:38 > 0:17:39How are you, Grandad?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Hello, son!- How are you, Mammy?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Is it snowing out there?- No.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46For feck's sake!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Mammy, why is Grandad wearing a crash helmet?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- One of Winnie's products we had to test.- Oh!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- We had a bit of fun with it, didn't we, Grandad?- No.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Wait till you see this, Rory. Sing, Grandad. Sing the song for Rory!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- NO!- Come on! Rory, press play on that.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Wait till you hear this, it's fantastic! It's a cowboy song.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Come on, Grandad! Here we go!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10One, two, three, four!
0:18:10 > 0:18:14# An old cowboy went riding out one dark and windy day... #
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Yee-ha!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20# He rested on his way
0:18:20 > 0:18:24# When all at once a herd of red-eyed cows he saw
0:18:24 > 0:18:28# A-ploughing through the ragged sky
0:18:29 > 0:18:31# And up the cloudy draw. #
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Not bad, is it?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Mammy, I don't know how Grandad puts up with you.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42He loves the attention. Don't you, Grandad?
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Oh!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Me balls have fallen off!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25SHE CHUCKLES TRIUMPHANTLY
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Grandad!
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Grandad, I'm stuck!
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Give me a hand down!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40HE CHUCKLES
0:19:40 > 0:19:43You bastard!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50See? I didn't feckin' need ya.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Oh, shit!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I'll get it, I'll get it!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- Hello, Dino. Come in, son. - Thanks, Mrs Brown.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- I think it's going to snow tonight. - No, it's quite mild, actually.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Feck's sake! Do you want a cup of tea?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19No, we're going straight out.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24You probably need some time on your own. You must be upset with the news about Trevor.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29T-Trevor? What about Trevor?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32You know - about him not coming home for Christmas.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Right, are we moving?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Faster than I ever did in my life.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46SAD MUSIC PLAYS, SHE SOBS
0:20:50 > 0:20:53SHE SOBS
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Hiya, Mammy.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Hello, son.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02What's wrong?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Trevor's not coming home.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- I know.- I knew it! I knew you knew it. I feckin' knew it!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Mammy, he just can't make it.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Ugh, yeah.- He wanted to come home.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- He just...can't. - Did he REALLY want to come home?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Yes, Mammy, he did!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Well, then, that'll do me.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25The next best thing to being here is wanting to be here.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27That will do me.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I wonder, would there be such a fuss if it was me that wasn't coming home?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Oh, for God's sake, Cathy.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Of course not!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Nobody feckin' likes you!
0:21:44 > 0:21:45I'm joking!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48What's this?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50The Nativity play.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- Did you get your part?- Yes.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- The Virgin Mary?- No.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- The innkeeper's wife?- No.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00One of the three wise men?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Not if I grew me own feckin' beard!
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Ah, don't tell me you've no lines?
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Oh, I have lines all right. I spend the whole play going fuckin', "Moo, moo!"
0:22:19 > 0:22:21From the Virgin Mary to the dairy.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Well, I'm glad you're able to laugh about it!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Oh, it's much easier when you've no feckin' choice.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- I have it!- You have what?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35How to kill a turkey. I got it off the internet.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41"To calm the turkey, place a bag... over the head."
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Oh, God!- "Then, with a hammer,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46"strike the bird on the back of the head!"
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Right. Here we go...
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- I don't want to be here for this. - Has to be done, Mammy.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Hello, Mr Turkey!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05LOUD BANGING AND FRENZIED CLUCKING
0:23:09 > 0:23:11COMMOTION CONTINUES
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Will you stay still?!
0:23:21 > 0:23:22This is not working!
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Here's one of Rory's letters. Now, he was only ten.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Listen to this.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"Dear Santa, Sir or Madam...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42"Please could I have an embroidery set?"
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- Oh, Cathy Brown.- What?
0:23:48 > 0:23:49You were such an angry child.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53"Dear red-nosed fat bastard..."
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Let me see, hold on now. Oh, now, here's Trevor's. Listen!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04"Dear Santa..."
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"Please don't bring me anything.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10"Give my present to a poor boy who has no toys."
0:24:12 > 0:24:14AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16That'd be Trevor all right!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- DOORBELL RINGS - Rory, get the door, will ya, love?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Yes, Dermot, that WOULD be Trevor. He'd give them away,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24and you'd fuckin' steal them back!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Oh, hello, everybody!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Mother!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Hello, Higgley!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I got your phone message. Thanks for the invitation.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38A little something, to say "happy Christmas".
0:24:38 > 0:24:40A tin of biscuits.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42ALL: Chocolate Kimberley?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Why, yes!
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Business is boomin'.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Hillary, why don't you sit in my chair?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Would you like a drink?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Well, perhaps a sherry.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Rory, get her a gin and tonic!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Without lemon.- We've no lemon. Will you have it without orange?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07OK, everybody? That's ready now, Ma!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Ah, good boy! Hillary...
0:25:09 > 0:25:13actually, you're just in time for the switching on of the lights!
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Is everybody ready?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Three, two, one...
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Wow!
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Oh, my God!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- There's a bulb gone there, look! - Shut up!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Now...a toast!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Now, wait, before you go toasting and making merry.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I think it's important that we take just a moment...
0:25:42 > 0:25:45to think about the true meaning of Christmas.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50In a couple of days, we're going to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55So, to baby Santa...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57ALL: To baby Santa!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59No. Not to Baby Santa. To YOU, Mammy.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02No matter how tough things were -
0:26:02 > 0:26:04and God knows, at times they were awful -
0:26:04 > 0:26:08you always managed to make Christmas magical...for all of us.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- To Mammy.- ALL: To Mammy!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Every child deserves Christmas.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16OK. Let's have a little Christmas sing-along.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I love a sing-song!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You'll get your turn, Grandad!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26No, Betty! Betty, sing the one you sang at your mother's wedding.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Maria...you sing.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36Yes, Maria, with your beautiful voice, sing something Christmassy - something traditional.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49# Silent night
0:26:49 > 0:26:55# Holy night
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# All is calm
0:26:58 > 0:27:02# All is bright... #
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Come on - the whole family.
0:27:04 > 0:27:12- ALL:- # Round yon virgin mother and child
0:27:12 > 0:27:22# Holy infant so tender and mild
0:27:22 > 0:27:31# Sleep in heavenly peace
0:27:31 > 0:27:39# Sleep in heavenly peace. #
0:27:39 > 0:27:43- Oh, Maria, that was beautiful. - Mammy?- Yes, love?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- Happy Christmas! - Happy Christmas to you, son!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48No, Mammy. Happy Christmas!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Happy Christmas, everybody!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08And a happy new year to YOUR family.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:48You see? There IS a Santa Claus!
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:57 > 0:29:00E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Heh-heh-heh-heh!