0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:11SHE LAUGHS
0:00:11 > 0:00:15'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!'
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# She's Mrs Brown
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# That's Mrs Brown
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# Our Mrs Brown. #
0:00:24 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Hello!
0:00:27 > 0:00:31I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. We did!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34I'm just sending out me invitations for the New Year's Eve party.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I'm inviting everybody here to bring in 2000-and-whatever-it-is,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40because you might be watching this on a repeat.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I don't know what your plan is for New Year's Eve,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47but mine is to drink cider till I can't pronounce it!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Hiya, Ma!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02This is a great idea, two Charlie Chaplins!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05No, Ma! Laurel and Hardy!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- Oh! - SHE LAUGHS
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Which one are you?
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Would you like a cup of tea, son?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14No, Ma, just dropped in to tell you about Maria's Auntie Mary.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- What about her?- She was in a car accident. She didn't make it.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Oh, Mary Sheridan? That's very sad.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- I think they're going to have to close the clinic.- Clinic?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- It was a whore house.- BUSTER!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Anyway, I just dropped in to tell ya.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Maria's quite upset about it. So, if she calls in, be nice to her.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43I'm always nice!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45It's one of my weaknesses.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- She'll have her mother with her. - That bitch?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50MAMMY!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Hiya, Ma!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- Hello, you two!- Hello, Mrs Brown.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Hello!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I'm just sending out my invitations for the New Year's Eve party.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Remember what we said last year?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05We're doing New Year's Eve in Donegal every second year.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh, of course, I remember. Don't worry.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09That starts next year, does it?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12SHE SNIGGERS
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I'm only kidding! I know. You won't be there.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Doesn't matter, there'll be plenty there anyway.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Well, we wanted to let you know that we've decided on a school for Bono.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Fantastic!
0:02:21 > 0:02:24We've decided on the local school, St Stephens.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Oh, Jesus, no!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- Look, I know it's a tough school... - Tough school?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Mark, they hold the feckin' parent-teacher meetings in Mountjoy Prison!
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Before you know it, it'll be goodbye Bono, hello Scarface.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Bono's a good boy. He'll be fine.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Of course he will.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Any news on Bono? - He's going to feckin' Alcatraz!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Mammy!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Well, I'm sorry. He's my grandson and I love him, even if you don't!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Look, it's not up for discussion.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52You are not his mother.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Come on, Mark.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Well, bravo, Mammy! You blew that one.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I know St Stephen's School too well. I went there myself.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11And rough! If you see a boy with two ears, he's a fuckin' sissy!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Is that Two Ears behind me?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Howya, Mammy? Howya, Cathy?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Did you hear about Maria's auntie?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Yes, very sad.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Are they sausages? Can I have one?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Ohh!
0:03:31 > 0:03:32See yous!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Dirty sausage gobbler!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Cathy! You can't say that!
0:03:39 > 0:03:41You have to say "gay"!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Picking the right school for a child of Bono's age is very important.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53You want a progressive school,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55not one like St Stephen's, where the English class
0:03:55 > 0:03:58is all about teaching you how to fill out an unemployment form.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Visitors, Mammy.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Oh, hello, Fathers.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Sit down.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Tea, Fathers?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Ah, no, we won't, Cathy. It's just a quick visit.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- LAUGHTER - Hello.- Hello.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Ah! Mrs Brown, let me explain.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- As you know, Father Quinn has gone back to...- Rehab?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22..his home town.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- He wants to...- Dry out?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- ..reaffirm his faith.- Oh.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- So, for as long as he's... - Pissed?- ..away,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Father McBride here has come over from Ballymun
0:04:32 > 0:04:35and he'll be running the parish now.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39McBride, is it?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I've heard a lot about you, Mrs Brown.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Funny, I know nothin' about you.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45But I bet he doesn't buy yoghurt.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I'd say he buys milk and just stares at it!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53It's a pity I have to begin my tenure here with some bad news.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Miss Sheridan from the clinic died in a motor accident.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Yes, I heard, very sad.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Is there anything I can do to help?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Well, the wake is being held in the clinic.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- It could do with a cleaning. - Well, when you've finished that,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08try and think of something I can do to help.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- We were up there just now. Everybody's very upset.- Mmm.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13We have her parrot in the car.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Her parrot? What are you going to do with it?- I don't know.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20If we can't find a home for it, I suppose we'll just have to...
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Shave it?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Ah, no, Father Damien. We could take it, couldn't we, Mammy?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Not in this house. No. No way. No feckin' way. No.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I'm not having the parrot in this house, and that's the end of it.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- PARROT SQUAWKS - Come on, say it.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Come on, say it. "That's nice!"
0:05:38 > 0:05:40LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:43"That's nice!"
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Come on, say it!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46PARROT SQUAWKS
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Feckin' useless.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53If I had a Taser and a hotplate, I'd make you sing and buckin' dance!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01That's loose.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- Hiya, Mammy!- Hello, son.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- What's up?- Nothin'.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Just thought I'd drop in on me way home from work.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- How's Dino?- He's good.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Ohh! Who didn't finish their dinner?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Rory! Will you stop this? What's going on with you?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I'm starvin'!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Mammy, Dino doesn't eat meat, only vegetables,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27and I'm trying to support him, but I'm starvin'!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Rory, you can't be doing that. You have to tell Dino this is not on!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33No. At least I'm not a vegan.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36No, of course not. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Dino says I need a bit more roughage.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Dirty bastard!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43LAUGHTER
0:06:43 > 0:06:46No, Mammy! For me bowels!
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I'm not listening!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:49 > 0:06:53You go into work and you tell Dino I want to see him here tomorrow!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56All right.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Roughage! I'll give him buckin' roughage!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- Hiya, Winnie!- Howya, love?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Remind me, I must fix that.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10You look tired, pet.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I am, and sure why wouldn't I be? I'm fuckin' walking since I was two!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I'm thinking of taking Jacko away on holiday.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20He's in hospital, for Christ's sake!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Well, I was hoping they'd let him out for a few days.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I only need to find somewhere that would cater for somebody
0:07:25 > 0:07:27attached to a drip.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I wouldn't call him a drip, Winnie!
0:07:33 > 0:07:34SHE GIGGLES
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I knew you were going to say that!
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Winnie, everybody knew I was going to say that!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42What's that?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44It's the hel-en-ium for the balloons.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Here, did you ever see this?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48SHE INHALES
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- SQUEAKY VOICE:- Hello, Winnie!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- Give us a go!- Here.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54WINNIE INHALES
0:07:54 > 0:07:56SQUEAKILY: Cup of tea?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I-I should point out to those of you at home, for safety reasons,
0:08:02 > 0:08:07the BBC have asked me to mention that using helium is very dangerous.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Come on, Winnie, we'll do a big one!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:15THEY INHALE
0:08:15 > 0:08:17DOOR OPENS
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Hiya, Mrs Brown. Hiya, Winnie.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I've just come from me mother's. She's very upset.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Her sister, my Aunt Mary, she was in a car accident.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37She didn't survive it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:46You know, she spent years building up her sports clinic,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49and now it all comes to an end so quickly.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51It's terrible, isn't it?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57I just don't know what to say to my mother to cheer her up.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Do you have any suggestions, Mrs Brown?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Mrs Brown?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- SQUEAKY VOICE: - At least it happened very quick...
0:09:11 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:15HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLES
0:09:15 > 0:09:18What the hell?!
0:09:18 > 0:09:19For God's sake!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23She's annoyed.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26THEY LAUGH
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- SQUEAKILY:- Oh, my God! I'll have to apologise.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Oh, poor Mary Sheridan.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- BOTH, SQUEAKING:- Lord, rest her!
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- NORMAL VOICE:- Oh, we'll toast her on New Year's Eve.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I can't be at your party New Year's Eve.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44The hospital are holding a bit of a do, you know,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47New Year's Eve party for the patients, so I'll be joining Jacko.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51You're going to miss a great night, Winnie. All the family'll be there.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52- Ah.- Mm-hmm.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Mary Sheridan's clinic... Your Jacko used to go up there?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Mmm, quite a lot...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00to get his ligament pulled.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Bono is not going to that school.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11It's the worst school in Dublin.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Now, now, Mammy! Says who?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19That's just the papers. You don't know the story behind the story.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Who actually said it?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23The headteacher!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:27From her hospital bed!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Give me that!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Who wants a drink? - I do. Winnie's fine.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Agnes,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40if you're cross-eyed AND dyslexic,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42can you still read OK?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Ah, thanks, Sharon.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- What?- Did you get your surprise yet?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I'm not with you. What surprise?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- BARBARA!- (Jesus...)
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Tell Cathy about her surprise. - You lucky duck!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Will one of yous two tell me what the hell you're talking about?
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Well, you know Jackie from Travel Paths?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05The travel agents? Yeah, what about her?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Well, she told me that your Mick was in
0:11:07 > 0:11:11and he bought a romance package for Venice for New Year's weekend.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Venice?! I've never been to Venice!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Well, you're going now, Miss! - Venice!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Don't let on you know, now, cos Jackie swore me to secrecy.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- Rory? - SHE BURPS
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Did you tell Dino I want to see him?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Yeah. He's going to drop into you.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30He cooked us Quorn last night.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Quorn on the quob?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Quorn Kievs.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40They look exactly like chicken, but they're made out of fungus.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Oh, Rory, you can't be going on like this.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- I'm OK.- You're not OK, Rory.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Every chance you get, you're running away from Dino
0:11:47 > 0:11:49and chomping on my meat!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52LAUGHTER
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Listen to this - the school have all sorts of people going up there
0:11:58 > 0:11:59to speak to the children.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Poets, artists, sport stars...
0:12:03 > 0:12:04The firemen were there last week.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08That's cos the place was on feckin' fire.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10"My ambition," said the headteacher,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"is that this will become a beacon school."
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Well, she got her wish -
0:12:14 > 0:12:16that fire could be seen for feckin' miles!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Come on, "Who's a pretty boy?"
0:12:21 > 0:12:23"That's nice!"
0:12:25 > 0:12:28You big-nosed, lazy, good for nothin' bastard!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Leave the bird alone!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I wasn't talkin' to the bird, I was talkin' to you!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35What are you doing, Mammy?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Just going through the replies to the New Year's Eve invitations.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40They're all "no"s.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Everybody's busy.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Well, you won't be getting a "yes" from me or Mick, either.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- We're going to Venice! - Has he sprung the big surprise yet?
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- DOORBELL RINGS - I think he's just about to!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Come on, say it, "That's nice!"
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Fuckin' useless!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Leave the bird alone!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02He won't talk!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- PARROT:- "Leave the bird alone!"
0:13:04 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- Hello, Mrs Brown.- Hello, son.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Oh, you're getting late Christmas cards?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15No, I'm just going through replies to the invitations for New Year's Eve.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I'm afraid I won't be coming.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19And why would that be?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Well, erm, I won't be here.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23And where will you be?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Are they going to have sex?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30No, she's poking him, he's not poking her.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34He's a prick!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Shut up, Grandad!
0:13:37 > 0:13:41So, Mick, where will you be on New Year's Eve?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Cork.- Oh, yeah?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Cork?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48What's in Cork?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Well, we're setting up a big raid.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It's drug stuff, I can't really talk about it.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55So, I won't see you, then?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57No, I'm afraid not.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59But it's just a weekend.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I see.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Sometimes, your grandad gets it just right.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake."
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Hiya, Ma.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- Hello, you two.- Hello.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I got your message, so we're here.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Mrs Brown, if you think you're going to talk us out of Bono's school,
0:14:29 > 0:14:30you're wasting your time.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Bono's going to St Stephen's, and that's that.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I'm not trying to talk you out of anything.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Buster!
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Yes, Mrs Brown?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Sit down there, son.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47How are yous?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Now, Buster, I'm going to ask you a few questions, all right?
0:14:50 > 0:14:55- Sure.- Now, the country India, you've heard of that, have you?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- I have.- Yeah.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59That was easy!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02That wasn't one of them, son!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04No, here we go. Now, question one...
0:15:04 > 0:15:06MASTERMIND JINGLE
0:15:06 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:12 > 0:15:15What was Ghandi's first name?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Goosey Goosey.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:27How long did the Six-Day War last?
0:15:28 > 0:15:3030 years?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Complete this nursery rhyme.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39"Mary had a little lamb..."
0:15:39 > 0:15:41"Her father shot the shepherd."
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:45And finally...
0:15:45 > 0:15:47MASTERMIND BEEP
0:15:47 > 0:15:49No, I've started, so I'll finish.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Finally, Buster,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53what school did you go to?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56St Stephen's.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Bono is not going to that school.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Well, it's entirely up to you.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Well, in that case, we'll have to get Father McBride to sign this form
0:16:10 > 0:16:13to say it's OK for Bono to go to school outside the parish.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- You give it to me. I'll get it signed.- Thanks.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- See you, Ma.- See you, son.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26So, how did I do, Mrs Brown?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28You did fantastic, Buster.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I wrote the answers on me hand, in case I forgot.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35You did great, Buster.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I can't believe they fell for it.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Everybody knows Ghandi's first name was Andy.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:49GRUNTING AND GROANING
0:16:49 > 0:16:51SIGHING
0:16:51 > 0:16:54TOILET FLUSHES
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Ohh, Jesus!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Are you there, Agnes? - I'm here, Winnie.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Jesus, you don't look the best!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I had a curry on the way home last night,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- from The Star Of Bengal.- Oh!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I hate their curries. Too hot!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16You think they're hot going down?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22I swear, I feel like I'm hiding a blowtorch in me knickers!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Winnie, give me the air freshener out from under the sink.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27The pine one.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Ah, there you go love.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Thanks, Winnie. Oh, God!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35SPRAY HISSES
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Agnes!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40What, Winnie?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43It says here, "You need a visa to enter Jordan."
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Jesus, she's getting fussy!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48LAUGHTER
0:17:48 > 0:17:51You know, I feel sorry for girls like Jordan.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53You know, girls with the big boobies.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I feel sorry for the girls with the little boobies.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57You see some of them on the catwalk...
0:17:57 > 0:18:02Bejeez, a bit of Clearasil rubbed on and they could disappear altogether.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Oh-ho-ho, have to go!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06SHE FARTS
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I'm fine!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Ugh, Jesus, Agnes, that's strong!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Tell you, it is a bit rough, isn't it?!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Bit of an edge on that one! Yeah!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23SPRAY HISSES
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Howya, Ma.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30Jesus! Smells like someone shit a Christmas tree in here!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Mammy, have you had any luck with that form for the school?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41No, I need a couple of days and I haven't got it yet, love.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Well, it has to be in by the 2nd of January.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I know, I know. I'll have it for... Oh, have to go!
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Is Mammy all right?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Curry tummy! She'll be fine, love.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, right.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Oh, Mrs McGooghan, Mammy was asking me earlier for some glue.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Will you give her that?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01TOILET FLUSHES I will.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Tea, pet?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06No, I'm grand.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10SPRAY HISSES
0:19:21 > 0:19:24LAUGHTER
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Two sprays?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Mark dropped in the glue for you, love.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Winnie!- What?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56What?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I can't get my legs open!
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Agnes, it's 35 years too late for that!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- No, Winnie, seriously!- What?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Me legs are stuck together! Come on, help me get them apart!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Agnes! It's everywhere!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Winnie, here!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24You get my legs apart and I'll get your arse off!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28OK.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30WINNIE GROANS
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- No...- No, can't. - Here, push me up, right.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Get them up, up, up!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39SIZZLING
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Hold on there! - FABRIC RIPS
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Got it!- Winnie!- What?- WINNIE!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- I'm fuckin' burnin'!- Oh, Jesus!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48CLATTERING
0:20:48 > 0:20:51CRASHING AND HISSING
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Winnie! What are you feckin' doing?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Agnes... Agnes, me face is stuck to your knickers!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Uh-oh!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:15PLEASE don't fart!
0:21:19 > 0:21:20MAMMY?!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I can explain everything!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- No.- I beg your pardon, Father?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I won't sign it, Mrs Brown.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44There are too many good children leaving the parish.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46The best chance St Stephen's School has of improving
0:21:46 > 0:21:49is to hang on to good children like Bono.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52With all due respects, Father, the only way St Stephen's is going to improve
0:21:52 > 0:21:54is with a buckin' bulldozer.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Sign it!- I won't.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Father, don't piss me off!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I'm running out of places to bury the bodies!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Hello, Father McBride.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10I was just leaving. Goodbye.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Goodbye, Father.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17We just wanted to thank you for taking the parrot, Mrs Brown.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Oh, yes.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21How are you, Higgley?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Oh, I'm just trying to keep myself together.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- We went up to clean up the, er, clinic.- Oh.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- We found lots of leather... - That's enough, Maria!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34No need to discuss family business.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Higgley, everybody in Finglas knows it's a fuckin' knocking shop!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41It was a SPORTS CLINIC...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44..and let that be the end of it.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46PARROT SQUAWKS
0:22:46 > 0:22:48"My name is Lulu.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51"Can I have your credit card number?"
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"Oooh! That's a big one!"
0:22:56 > 0:22:58LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Right, well, we'll say no more.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- Hi!- Oh, Dino.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08We should go.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Dino, I have a dinner for you.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Oh, dinner! I haven't eaten all day!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Well, safe home.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Sit, Dino!
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Now...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29..eat!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Mrs Brown, I don't eat meat. - I know, Rory told me.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36That's why I was dying to introduce you to Super Soya Steak.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Looks like meat, tastes like meat, but it's made of soya.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Really?- Really.- Oh.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Oh, my God! It really does taste like meat.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Mm-hmm! Good boy!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Mrs Brown, may I use your toilet?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Of course!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I'll put this in the oven.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02No, no, I'll not be that long.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04DOOR OPENS
0:24:04 > 0:24:06You got here before me.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Be with you in a second, pet.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Doesn't he look happy?- He does!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- What did you do?- I gave him a steak.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Oh, no!- I told him it was made of soya.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- He couldn't even tell the feckin' difference!- Mammy!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Dino's not a vegetarian...
0:24:21 > 0:24:23he's allergic to meat!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Allergic?!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30DINO: Oh, my God! I'm swelling!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Dino, are you all right?!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I'm swelling up, Rory!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I'll give you two a moment on your own.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Come out, Dino!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I'm stuck to the toilet!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Dino, open the door!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Mammy, he looks like an orang-utan!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I think he looks better!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Is that my ring?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05LAUGHTER
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Father...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11have you had a chance to think?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Let's not go down that road, Mrs Brown.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16My mind is made up.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Don't even try, Mrs Brown.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21When Father McBride says no, he means it.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- PARROT:- "Hello, Father McBride. Back again?"
0:25:24 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:30"Who's for a ride on Father McBride?"
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Lulu seems to know you!
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Well, I-I did rescue her from that...den of iniquity.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41"Is it a Biro? Is it a Bic?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"Or is it Father McBride's little..."
0:25:44 > 0:25:46PARROT SQUAWKS
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Mrs Brown, you might consider letting me have that parrot.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Well, I certainly might...consider it.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02- Well, I hope you're satisfied now, Mrs Brown.- Oh, yes!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05And more than the girls were down in the fuckin' clinic, it seems!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10"That's nice!"
0:26:10 > 0:26:12APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Lucky the parrot said what he said. - Lucky?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Took me all week to feckin' train him!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Buster, thanks very much for coming around.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- I'm sorry it's not more lively. - No problem.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Would you like to dance?- No.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Oh, hiya, Trevor!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Hey, Cathy!
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- Are you all right? - I just went for a long walk.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Did your long walk take you past the airport?
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Yeah.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47He was there... with some young thing.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Did you watch him fly off?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50No.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I watched them being taken away for an internal body search.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Someone must have tipped Customs off they were drug smugglers!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05That's my girl!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- What's this all about? - I'll tell you later, Trevor.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12For now, let's just make the best of the night.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Good for you, chicken. There's plenty more fish in the sea.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18You just keep getting the crabs.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:23DOOR OPENS
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- Look who it is!- Hello!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- My God, I thought yous were all going away?- Ah, we had a chat.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Betty, Maria and Dino can head off and we'll join them tomorrow.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34It's my dream come true!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36New Year's Eve with just my family!
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Hooray!- Turn up the telly.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Buster, where do you think you're going?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- You said just family. - You stay where you are.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47You ARE family.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- AUDIENCE:- Ahh!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51No, you're all right, thanks.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Well, fuck off then!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I'm only joking!
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- TV:- "..Eight, seven, six..." - Oh, look quick!
0:28:06 > 0:28:11- ALL:- Five, four, three, two, one!
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- BIG BEN CHIMES ALL:- Happy new year!
0:28:15 > 0:28:20# Should auld acquaintance be forgot
0:28:20 > 0:28:25# And never brought to mind?
0:28:25 > 0:28:30# Should auld acquaintance be forgot
0:28:30 > 0:28:34# For the sake of auld lang syne?
0:28:34 > 0:28:39# For auld lang syne, my dear
0:28:39 > 0:28:44# For auld lang syne
0:28:44 > 0:28:48# We'll take a cup of kindness yet
0:28:48 > 0:28:53# For the sake of auld lang syne
0:28:53 > 0:28:54Happy new year!
0:28:54 > 0:28:57ALL: Happy new year!