0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Heh-heh-heh-heh!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- ANNOUNCER:- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- # She's Mrs Brown - Agnes
0:00:18 > 0:00:20- # That's Mrs Brown - Agnes
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Oh, hello.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33I just read in that that Neanderthal man wasn't erect for 300 years,
0:00:33 > 0:00:34just like my Redser.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38I see the ads for the...
0:00:38 > 0:00:40these tablets you take and it says,
0:00:40 > 0:00:44"If you get an erection for more than four hours, call the doctor."
0:00:44 > 0:00:47If you're taking anything to get an erection for more than four hours,
0:00:47 > 0:00:48CALL ME!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54You don't know a good plumber, do you?
0:00:54 > 0:00:55I'm trying to get a plumber.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59I used to use the local fella, Uriah Mullan.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02He went out of business when his wife found lipstick on his stopcock.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Tomango Red it was called, that's... Yeah, Tomango Red.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10That's the kind of... The colour lipstick that, you know,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12if you wear it, it looks beautiful,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14but if you find it on your husband's collar,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16it's the colour only a slut would wear.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19- Oh, hello, boys.- Heya, Mammy.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- Hello, son. - Hi, Mammy.- Hello, Mrs Brown.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Cup of tea, love?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29No, Mammy. Just dropped in to see
0:01:29 > 0:01:30if I can have me dinner here this evening.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Maria's down at Foley's getting ready for that thing tonight.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Of course you can, and I'm doing your favourite.- Oh.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Filet de poulet en croute.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Fuckin' chicken nuggets.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42So who's the promotion for this week?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh, Hanley's Honey.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46And what's the pitch?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Hanley's home hived honey,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51hewn from homogenous horticulture by Hanley's own honey bees.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- BOTH:- # Hanley happy honey bees
0:01:56 > 0:01:57# Buzz buzz happy honey bees
0:01:57 > 0:01:59# Buzzing through the flowers and trees... #
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- Do you want honey? - Oh, yes, please.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Hello, Bono. Hello, Mark.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Hiya, Ma. Oi, come on, yous two, buzz off.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18First time we've heard that this week.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I heard that loads of times this week, Dermot.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Any tea?- Oh, yes, love, of course.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Where... Where's Betty?
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Stopped at the shop on our way.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Are you all right, Bono?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31You don't look happy.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I'm not. Your eldest son's a dumbass.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Son, you watch your mouth.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37GIGGLING
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Oh, hello. Hello, new Rory.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- Hi, Mammy.- Hello, mother-in-law.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Do you want a cup of tea, love?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51No, actually, I've come to see you, Rory.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Sorry, he just explained that we've had all week to learn this,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07but that was my fault.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Would you like a cup of tea, Rory?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13No, I'm actually here to see you, Mark.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- Me?- Yeah. Betty asked us to babysit tonight, but we can't.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Dino's booked a table at Chef Ali's for our first anniversary.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22BOTH: Oooh!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Oh, Rory.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Oh, Dino.- Oh, Jesus.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Will you tell her, Mark?- Sure.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Looks like I'm baby-sitting, so.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Yippee, yahoo.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37All right, see yous.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Er, Dino, that's a really nice thing you're doing. Well done.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Oh, it's nothing. I'd bend over backwards for Rory.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47You watch your fuckin' language.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Where are you going?
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Toi-let.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- Is everything all right, love?- No.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I think me and Betty have made a big mistake.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I told you from the start, love, you married beneath yourself.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Me and Betty are very happily married.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09And why wouldn't you be? She's a wonderful girl.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Best thing that ever happened to you.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12I've always said that.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15We are having a disagreement over Bono.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16About what?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19The school are having an under-13s disco next week
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- and Bono wants to go. - That'll be fun.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22He's too young, Ma.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25He's 12! When is he going to be old enough for an under-13 disco?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28When he's 12 years, 11 months and three weeks?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30That's what Betty says, but it's not just age, Ma,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32he's not ready for discos yet.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34He'll be fine. And Betty doesn't say that, Betty goes...
0:04:34 > 0:04:38MRS BROWN MUMBLES
0:04:38 > 0:04:40He'll be fine.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I can remember when you wouldn't let Rory go to an 18s disco.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45That was different. He was 36.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Hello, Betty.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Hiya. Where's Bono? - He's in the toilet.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Are you going to Maria's thing tonight, Mrs Brown?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Well, everybody else is going. I might as well.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Hiya, Winnie. - Oh, how are you all?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- How are you, Mrs McGoogan? - Oh, thanks, Mark.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Oh, Betty, are you and Mark going to this thing in Foley's tonight?
0:05:07 > 0:05:08We are. Right, Bono, let's go.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- I'll be with yous now.- Who cares?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Are you going to correct him?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Sure.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Bono, it's "whom cares", not who.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Imagine Maria setting up this vigilante gang.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28It's a community crime watch group, not vigilante.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I'll see yous later.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- See you, love. Oh, Mark!- Yeah?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Would you know a good plumber, love, for heating?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Mammy, I keep telling you, there's nothing wrong with your heating.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40You have a cross draught. Just keep the kitchen door closed.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41But if I close the door,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I can't see the sitting room and I can't see the front door.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46OK, then, leave it with me. I'll fit a new door for you, all right?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Oh, thanks, love, you're very good.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Is your plumbing bad?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54It's not too bad, but I want a new buckin' door.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- QUIETLY:- Shit.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- NORMAL TONE:- It's me, isn't it? - It is you, yes.- It is me?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Yes, it is. Do you want me to tell you the line?- Yeah.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Oh.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Mark! No, I've got it, I've got it.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I was going to fucking write it down for you.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Mark seems very touchy.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27It's just stuff at home. You know, parents and their children.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Ah, don't talk to me.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Sharon won't go and see Dr Flynn.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Sharon? Why, what's wrong?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Well, the last two weeks she's complained about her back,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37but she won't go and it's very sore.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Her back is very sore? - Mm.- I'm not surprised.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42She spends a lot of time on it.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Well, she says it's just a pulled muscle.- Oh.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48She's always pulling muscles.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Yes, she is.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57She says it's a waste of time going to the doctor.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Maybe she's right.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04After all, who knows more about Sharon's body than Sharon?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Half the men in Finglas.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Now, as you all know, the church was vandalised last week.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22They did a fair bit of damage, and that's just not on.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25So Maria Brown here has suggested that we ask the Gardai
0:07:25 > 0:07:27is there anything that we can do to assist them?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Thank you. Thank you all for coming tonight,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35for crime, particularly lately, is on the rise.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38We think there's just one man that's responsible,
0:07:38 > 0:07:39but we don't have any leads.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Buzz, buzz.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Well, someone has to say it.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52There's only two people in this bar that have been to prison.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Hey, Hannigan! Only one.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I've never been, and I'm not going back.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01There'll be no finger pointing in here.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Garda, mention the Peeping Tom.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06There's a good example.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Mrs Nicholson is being stalked by a Peeping Tom.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Would you like to tell them, Mrs Nicholson?- Oh, certainly.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16At 2300 hours on December the 28th,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20full moon, clear skies, barometric pressure...
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Oh, just get on with it for fuck's sake, Rambo.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Mother, just tell the story.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- Fine. I came out of the shower... - Naked?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33No, Winnie, she was wearing a football jersey and oven gloves.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- What team?- Shut up.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Yes, I was naked.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41From the corner of my eye,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I thought I saw the figure of a man at the window.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I walked towards the window,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- I heard a bush rustling... - Walk slower.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55The person moved!
0:08:55 > 0:08:56The plot thins.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02Bravely, I went outside, and sure enough a man was there.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I don't have to tell you what he was doing.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Throwing up.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Let's get these people and beat the shit out of them.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT
0:09:11 > 0:09:14No, no! This is not a vigilante group.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16We don't want people thinking they're Gardai.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18This is simply an awareness group.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Exactly.- So what do we do? Do we set up patrols?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Do we carry baseball bats?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Now that's exactly what you don't do.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Do not carry any weapons.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32It's not a patrol as such, but I have organised a schedule
0:09:32 > 0:09:35of, er, walkabouts - three, four people to a group.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Well, there is a certain way.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Oh, I have this, Guard.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Now, you might see something
0:09:40 > 0:09:43and, in any case, our presence there will deter these vandals
0:09:43 > 0:09:45and we might stop this unknown man.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47If you do see something that doesn't look right...
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Stick 'em like a pig.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Call the police. - Then stick 'em like a pig.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57And the Gardai will also be putting up crime watch signs in your area.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00What if we see a creepy-looking character?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Send him round to Hilary's house at 2300 hours.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06You don't seem to be on board with this, Mrs Brown?
0:10:06 > 0:10:07I'm torn.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09A bicycle accident.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Your frou-frou.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Shut up.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23On the one hand, I don't have a problem with we the proletariat
0:10:23 > 0:10:25assisting the guardians of the state
0:10:25 > 0:10:28with enforcing the legislation and the laws...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32..but why can't we carry buckin' baseball bats?
0:10:34 > 0:10:35QUIET!
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Now if you'd like to sign up,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Maria will break you into groups and shifts.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Thank you.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- Let's just do it. - Right, let's go.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Are you not having another one? - No, the baby-sitter has to go at 8
0:10:51 > 0:10:53and Maria looks like she'll be here for a while.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Are you coming?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57No, you go on, I'm going to have another one.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Sharon, do you have a minute?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- How's that now, Ma? - Oh, Mark, that's beautiful.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Absolutely gorgeous.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26It's lovely. Thank you, son.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Right, I have to go.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I've a new door, I've a new door!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Mind me good door!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Very fancy.- Yeah, and it's nicer when it's closed, thank you.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Well, excuse me.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54How did the date go last night?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I don't want to talk about it.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58OK.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Men - such liars.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- Was he a liar? - I don't want to talk about it!
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Fine.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14What is dating supposed to be about? What, I ask?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I don't know, what?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19A man takes a woman out because he wants sex.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22If it wasn't for sex he'd go out with his mates.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Oh, but a woman can't mention that she feels the same
0:12:25 > 0:12:27because we're not supposed to want it.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Oh, we're allowed to do it,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33but not if we want it.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35So we have to pretend we don't know they want it,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37even though we're only there because we want it,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40and if he says he wants it we have to pretend we don't do it
0:12:40 > 0:12:42or we don't even know what it is!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Do you want to talk about it?- NO!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Hi, Winnie.- Ah, hiya, Cathy, love.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I need a man.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Well, don't look at me.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07DOOR SLAMS
0:13:07 > 0:13:09And certainly don't look at me.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12What's wrong with her?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I don't want to talk about it.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- A new door, Agnes.- Yeah.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- Oh, very nice.- Well, you know.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26You can see everything through that.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27It's called glass.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33You can see through this side too.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Don't wear it out, Winnie.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42DOORBELL RINGS Winnie, get that door, will you?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's probably the boys for the practice.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Oh, nice new door, Mrs Brown.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48It's nothing.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Right, then, let's go through the handbook, shall we?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Rory and Dino, you two are going to be the protagonists...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Oh, be fair - let them be the Catholics.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01The protagonists - the baddies.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Oh, the baddies.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06For as long as I remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- Come on, want to see my little friend?- Dino!
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Hey, baby! Don't touch the merchandise.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17RORY SQUEALS
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I'm not playing any more.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Rory!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Rory! Want me to kiss it better?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29OK. Grandad?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- Huh?- Come with me.- Oh.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Now, why don't you sit over here?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Now, you are going to be a drunk man looking for a fight.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Oh.- Winnie, you go first.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46- Oh.- Oh.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49- You're on patrol...- Yeah.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51..and you come across this drunk, abusive man. Go.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Right, OK.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56# La-la la-la la la
0:14:56 > 0:14:57# La-la la-la la la... #
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Winnie! Winnie, you're Robocop, not buckin' Mary Poppins.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03GRANDAD MUMBLES
0:15:03 > 0:15:05It's a nice day, isn't it?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Piss off!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10How was that?
0:15:10 > 0:15:11For Christ's sake, let me at him.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Oh, no. Mother, your turn next.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17OK, er, what does the handbook advise?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Oh, very good.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Very good.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Calmly approach and ask the subject to cease.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Mm...
0:15:25 > 0:15:30You - I'll give you so many lefts, you'll be begging for a right.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35Excuse me, sir. I would like you to cease this behaviour.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Very good.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Go away, you big ass nosy parker.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Uh-uh, thank you for playing.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Oh, Maria, tell me the truth - is it this dress?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- Get out of the way, let me at it. - Oh, um...
0:15:50 > 0:15:51My turn, my turn, my turn.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- If the subject does not stop... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- ..or you fear for your safety... - Yeah, yeah.- ..call the police. - Yeah, blah-blah, blah-blah!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Come on, who wants to fight me?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I'll take yous all on.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Come on, who wants to fight?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Come on. Come on, I'll...
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- ON RADIO:- Hello, good afternoon and you're very welcome to Live Line.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Time to talk to Joe. Well, as you've just heard on the news headlines,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25it's budget day today. How does it affect you?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Does it make your life any easier?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Phone or text us here on the Live Line and let us know.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33We have a caller on the line, it's...
0:16:33 > 0:16:34I'm sorry, is it Annie?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36MRS BROWN ON RADIO: Hello?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I'm sorry, it's not Annie, it's anonymous.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I'll just call you Anon. Are you there?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Hello?- I'm here, I'm here, Anon. Well, what's on your mind?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- We're talking about the budget. - I don't have a budgie.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51All right, if you're not on about the budget, what is it?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Sex, Joe, I'm talking about sex.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Careful now, Anon, this is an afternoon show,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58your personal needs are not up for discussion.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Oh, shit, it's not me. I have a dildo. No, it's...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06It's my daughter, Joe. She needs a man.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Really? And what's stopping her?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Well, she's, I think she's frigid-ed...frigid-id, frigid...
0:17:14 > 0:17:17She's very difficult, Joe. You see, Joe, my daughter, she's...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Oh, please, don't mention her real name.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Oh, of course not. Let's call her...
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Kathy with a K.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Mammy?!
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Well, well, maybe all she needs is a bit of attention.- Mammy!
0:17:33 > 0:17:34I'll tell you what.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37We here at Live Line will send her out a nice bouquet of flowers.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Mammy!- That might cheer her up.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43You're very kind, Joe. That will definitely cheer her up.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Send them to...- No. No...
0:17:45 > 0:17:50..Cathy Brown, 92 James Larkin Court, Finglas.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Jesus.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56No.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Sorry, Grandad.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Get out.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Now!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Oh, hello.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- You.- Me?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36You announced to the nation that I can't get a man?!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I don't know what you're talking about.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41You were on the radio talking to Joe Duffy.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46What? I don't, listen, me on the rad... How...? This... Maybe.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Talking about my personal life.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I was talking about budgies.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52DOORBELL RINGS
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Delivery for Cathy Brown?
0:18:58 > 0:18:59That's me.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Thank you.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06DOORBELL RINGS
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I believe you're looking for a man.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Get lost!
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Nice scarf, Winnie.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Mm. Thanks, Agnes.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28I got it in Guiney's today. They had a great sale on there.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Oh, right.- I saw a lovely dress that would really suit you.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36But they didn't have it in an extra... Your size.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Hi, Mrs McGoogan. Hello, Mrs Brown.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44You two will be on the second shift patrol today.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I hope you're not drinking too much.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Er, who's our third?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Oh, my mother.- Hilary?- Yeah.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57That's nice.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01She'll call over to yours later.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02I can't wait.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Here, come on, Winnie. We'd better go and get ready for this patrol.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I'm a bit nervous, Agnes.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Out on the streets in the dark,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12we might get attacked by a wild animal.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Winnie, you're in Finglas, not Africa.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17You're hardly going to meet a ten-foot snake.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Ten-foot snake!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24SHE SCOFFS
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Snakes don't have feet.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I was getting me hair done when it came on the radio.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34I have to be honest, Cathy, when she said your name, I laughed.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36It's not funny.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I've been answering the door all day
0:20:38 > 0:20:41to the biggest collection of weirdos.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Here, Buster called five times.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Oh, here, look, I'd better go over to yours,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50get your mother's patrol under way. Are yous coming?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52You go on, we'll follow you down.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53OK.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Do you know what? Maybe I should go.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Ah, you'll have another one. Sharon, two more.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05GROANING
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Mrs Brown, are you ready?
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Winnie, come on!
0:21:28 > 0:21:29What the hell?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31We are ready to fight crime.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37You can't go on patrol dressed as Bananaman.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38And who are you supposed to be?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I think I'm a banana.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Well, I'm glad my mother is going with you two.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45She might bring a bit of sanity to it all.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I'm here!
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Mother, have you gone mad?
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Mm?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59You're not Charlie's Angels.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Go and change and put on something warm.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Now.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Hey, love. Has Mammy gone on patrol yet?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14No. The Avengers are in getting changed.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Listen, don't let them go out.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Why?- Buster has an idea.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Listen, Cathy, do me a favour, will you?- Yeah, if I can.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I'm going straight to a club tonight,
0:22:27 > 0:22:28so I won't get to the night safe.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Will you bring that back to your house
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- and I'll get it off you in the morning?- Sure.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Are we right, people? Have yous no homes to go to?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Goodnight.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47KEYS JANGLE
0:22:48 > 0:22:49DOOR UNLOCKS
0:22:53 > 0:22:55EERIE MUSIC
0:23:27 > 0:23:29ALL: Surprise!
0:23:30 > 0:23:34# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow
0:23:34 > 0:23:37# For he's a jolly good fellow
0:23:37 > 0:23:39# And so say all of us. #
0:23:39 > 0:23:40CHEERING
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- What's going on here? - Has there been a crime committed?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Not at all, this is a going away party for Hannigan here.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48He's leaving Finglas, isn't that right?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Er, yes, I am.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52And you're not coming back, am I right?
0:23:52 > 0:23:53No, never.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Well, let's get the party started.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Not you. You'd better hurry up or you'll miss your flight.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Move.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Jog on the spot for me, Grandad.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19OK, stop. Can you touch your toes?
0:24:19 > 0:24:20I can't even touch me willy.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Winnie, mind me door, don't scratch the feckin' door.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Oh, hello, Dr Flynn.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Oh, hello, Mrs Brown.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Er, I've had a good look at Grandad and as far as I can see...
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Is he dying?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- No.- Not interested.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Ah.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Don't mind her, Dr Flynn. What's the news?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I don't think he's taking his medication at night.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Leave it with me, Dr Flynn, I'll make sure.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52And what about you?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Me? What do you mean?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I believe you might be, um...
0:24:59 > 0:25:00..available?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Seriously? - I'm sorry. I have to go.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Bye!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Oh, that's my little girl.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Yes, I am. But you'd better take your tablets.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17DOORBELL RINGS
0:25:17 > 0:25:19More men?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Leave this to me, Cathy.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Well, hello, boys.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I'm Cathy Brown.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Just going for a lie down.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Thanks, Grandad.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Close the door, please. Gently.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Thank you.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Who was that at the front door?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I think that might've been the last of any men callers.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- Hiya, Mammy.- Hello, Dermot.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Would you like a cup of tea, son? - No, Mammy.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I just dropped around to say great job last night.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Hannigan won't show his face in Finglas again.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13No, son, great job, you, last night.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Well, actually, it was Buster's idea.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Well, it was a great idea, Buster. Well done.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- Tell her about my other idea.- No.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Just go, go.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Wait, wait. Wait, wait. Wait, no, wait, no, don't go yet.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Don't go yet. No, no, no, no, no.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Get back in there, bees. Cathy, watch this. Do it.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- We did it, Ma.- Do the song.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Hang on.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49BOTH: # Hanley happy honey bees
0:26:49 > 0:26:51# Buzz buzz happy honey bees
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# Buzzing through the flowers and trees
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- # Do you want honey? # - Oh, yes, please.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- Are you OK in there, Bono? - Yeah, I'm fine.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Well, do they fit?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I think so.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- Hello, Betty.- Hiya.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I hope he was no trouble for you, Mrs Brown.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Are you kidding me? I'd mind him all day every day.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Bono, your mammy and daddy are here.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Oooh.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Look at you.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I know. Granny bought it for me at the sales.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46You're very good, Mammy. Thanks.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Well, I wanted him to look well, you know, for his first disco.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- Disco?- Yes.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Remember, you said you were going to drop him off at the disco tonight
0:27:54 > 0:27:56and pick him up at the disco.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Did you, Daddy? Did you really say I could go to the disco?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Of course. You can't miss the first disco in the school.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Thanks, Dad.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06But I will be picking you up.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07But, Dad...
0:28:07 > 0:28:08..what if I get lucky?
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Get out to the car, you.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- Thanks, Mammy.- Oh, it's no trouble.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20But don't do it again.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27It's so hard not to interfere.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31You know, when you're... When you have your babies,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33you're an apprentice mother with apprentice children.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35And then as soon as you get to know the job,
0:28:35 > 0:28:37they feck off and marry someone else.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40That's why we make wonderful grandparents -
0:28:40 > 0:28:42cos we know the job.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45You remember when you had your first child and if they got a splinter,
0:28:45 > 0:28:46straight down to emergency.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47The second child,
0:28:47 > 0:28:51if he came in with a stake through his heart, put a plaster on it.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57No, I am never interfering in my family's life again.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Goodnight, Mammy!
0:28:59 > 0:29:00Except for her.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Grandad, did you take your tablets?
0:29:05 > 0:29:07- No.- Where are they?
0:29:07 > 0:29:08In the drawer beside the sink.
0:29:12 > 0:29:13Jesus!
0:29:17 > 0:29:18You bastard!
0:29:19 > 0:29:21That's not feckin' funny. Where are they?
0:29:21 > 0:29:24Behind the toaster, I think.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Oh, jeez, that was close.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Now number three.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Jesus, what's that? A spider!
0:29:40 > 0:29:41A feckin' spid... A spider!
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Grandad, it's a spider! It's a spider!
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Look at me feckin' door!
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Payback!
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Goodnight!
0:30:02 > 0:30:07# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town
0:30:08 > 0:30:11# As the best mum of all
0:30:11 > 0:30:13# She wears the crown
0:30:14 > 0:30:17# Mother hen watching all her chicks
0:30:17 > 0:30:20# A sassy old lady full of tricks
0:30:20 > 0:30:26# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down
0:30:26 > 0:30:29- # She's Mrs Brown - Agnes
0:30:29 > 0:30:32- # That's Mrs Brown - Agnes
0:30:32 > 0:30:34# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
0:30:37 > 0:30:38Heh-heh-heh-heh!