0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language and adult humour
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Hahahahaha!
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Ladies and gentlemen...
0:00:13 > 0:00:15welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# She's Mrs Brown
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# That's Mrs Brown
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# Oh, Mrs Brown... #
0:00:24 > 0:00:25What's wrong with you, Granddad?
0:00:25 > 0:00:28I haven't slept for three days.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Hello!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I'm just doing a bit of cleaning.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I'm just about to take a break.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42God, I say cleaning like it was a hobby. It's not.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44DOG BARKS
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Shut up, you feckin' mutt!
0:00:46 > 0:00:47LAUGHTER
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I...I'd better feed him. Hold on.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Here, Spartacus!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:00:56SPARTACUS WHINES
0:00:56 > 0:00:58When I... Jesus, I never opened the feckin' thing!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Here, Spartacus!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:05SPARTACUS GROWLS
0:01:05 > 0:01:09I had six children I reared on my own and they weren't as much trouble as you!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Where was I? Oh, yeah...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14cleaning!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Well, it's not as if it goes unnoticed.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I had Father Quinn round the other day...
0:01:18 > 0:01:20he took one look at the house and said,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23"Mrs Brown, yourself and God keep a lovely home".
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I said "Thank you, Father" but I'm thinking,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"You should see it when God has it on his own!"
0:01:28 > 0:01:29LAUGHTER
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I feel like I've always been cleaning.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37When I was 18, I married his son, Redser Brown,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39because of a condition I had...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41called pregnancy.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:45The next day, I started cleaning.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Hiya, Mammy!- Hello, Cathy, love.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Ah! Granddad looks peaceful.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Doesn't he! Hahaha!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Heading out on the big date, love?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It's not a big date, Mammy. It's just a quiet drink.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Quiet drink! That's what all men say.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04They think vodka's a lubricant to get your knickers off easy.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05LAUGHTER
0:02:05 > 0:02:09You may laugh, but I tell you, one minute you're sipping Piney Coladies, next...
0:02:09 > 0:02:13your legs are up in stirrups with the doctor shouting, "Don't push till I tell you!".
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I'll keep that in mind, so!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- You do that.- Ah, why do I bother?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Right, I'm off!- Do you want a cup of tea before you go, love?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22No, Mammy. Sure, I'm running late.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Don't be breaking your neck, he'll be feckin' late as well.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Did Daddy always come late?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:34That's none of your feckin' business!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:37See you later!
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- Cathy, love! - Yes, Mammy?- You look fantastic!
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Thanks, Mammy.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Keep them on!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:48 > 0:02:49I...I'm not just a cleaner.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I have a market stall as well.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I sell fruit and vegetables. I suppose I'm a business woman! Ha ha ha.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I don't like customers who come and just poke.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04They come and maul your fruit without any feckin' reason whatsoever.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I say to them, "Missus, that's a banana, not a willy..."
0:03:06 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"..it won't get bigger if you squeeze it!"
0:03:11 > 0:03:12LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Hahaha! Hahaha!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23There goes Happy Feet!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25LAUGHTER
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I better go in and see what's happening in the North Pole.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Hello, Dermot, son.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- Hello, Mammy. - What are you promoting this week?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- Chocolate biscuits. - Oh, lovely...
0:03:36 > 0:03:37what kind?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Kit Kats!
0:03:42 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Dermot, love...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47quack, quack, quack, quack!
0:03:47 > 0:03:48LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:52What's wrong, love? Why are you such a sad little penguin?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You're not in trouble with the law again, are you?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56No, Mammy, it's Maria.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- Ah, the lovely Maria. - We've broken up.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Bitch! Never liked her!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- What did she do? - She's not a bitch, Ma.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- And she didn't do anything, it's just...- Yes?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11..to be honest Mammy, I'd rather not talk about it right now.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12I understand...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14so what happened?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Mammy! I'm not talking about it!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Fine...
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Do you want a cup of tea? - No, I'm only on a quick break.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Well, if it's only a quick break, you should slip into the fridge and relax!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Hahahahaha! Slip into the... Hahaha!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:39THUMP!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- It's very late to be studying. - Hi, Mammy.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I can't sleep, worrying about Dermot and Maria.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Cathy...
0:04:51 > 0:04:55you amaze me the amount of work and persistence you put into everything you feckin' do.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00And I know I'm biased... you're my only daughter
0:05:01 > 0:05:04..but the man who gets you will be... he'll be the luckiest man on earth.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Not bad for a widow bringing up a girl on her own, hey?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Am I right?
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Sorry, Mammy?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Nothing, it doesn't matter.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Cathy, what am I going to do about Dermot and Maria?
0:05:20 > 0:05:25Mammy...it's best if we all just butt out and let them sort it out themselves.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27BANG! BANG! BANG!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29What do you want, Granddad?
0:05:29 > 0:05:30I don't feel well.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33You're 92, you're not supposed to fuckin' feel well!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:37- Mammy!- What?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Maybe he really is sick.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Don't take any chances. Call the doctor!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43A doctor? At 80 euro a visit?!
0:05:43 > 0:05:47He's no health insurance. At least he's insured for a funeral.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Mammy!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Fine. I'll call the doctor.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- This is all because of his feckin' budgie!- His budgie?
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Found him dead today.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Well, he must be upset.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00He's at that age, love.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02His budgie dies, he's sure he's going to be next.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:06With a bit of buckin' luck!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:15It's a sharp pain across the shoulders and down the spine.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- How long has he had it? - Not him... ME!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Mrs Brown, I'm here to examine Granddad.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25You're wasting your time with him, he's fucked.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Only a matter of time, isn't it, Granddad?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Am I dying?
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Yes...Friday!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:36What's wrong with him, anyway?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I'll have to run some tests.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Tests! More feckin' money!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I'll need a sample of his urine, and a sample of his stool.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:48What'd he say?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50He wants your underpants.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52LAUGHTER
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Granddad, I need you to close your mouth when I put it in.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Hahahahaha!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00He's never heard that before!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I'm afraid I'll have to do a rectal reading.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Ooh!
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Can you help me?
0:07:07 > 0:07:08With buckin' pleasure!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Come on, Granddad!
0:07:13 > 0:07:14The doctor has a surprise for you!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Oooooh! Ooh hoo hoo!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22# Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! #
0:07:22 > 0:07:24LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Would you like a cup of tea, Doctor?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- I wouldn't mind another one of these.- It's in the kitchen.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Hahahahaha!
0:07:30 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I'll get you a cup of tea, Granddad.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I wish you could see it from this side!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40You look like a big buckin' toffee apple.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Oooooooh!
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Granddad! What are you doing there in that state? Come on... fix yourself!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Now, sit down.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52No!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Granddad! Come on, sit down. - No! No! No!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Arrrgh!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Now...
0:08:05 > 0:08:09..now, Granddad, isn't that much better?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Granddad!- Hahahahaha!
0:08:17 > 0:08:18What are you doing?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Come on, Granddad. Now we're going to play Treasure Hunt!
0:08:21 > 0:08:26LAUGHTER
0:08:26 > 0:08:28No, Mrs Brown. I'm afraid it's gone.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Gone?! I'm not paying for that!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Now, wait a minute...er, gone?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Arrgh!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Is that bad? Is that dangerous?
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Get him to hospital today.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44We'll explore the cavity then.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Explore the cavity!- What?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49He's going potholing!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Goodbye, Mrs Brown. - Goodbye, Doctor.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Now you've heard of "Doctor Dolittle"...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00there goes "Doctor Do-Fuck-All"!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:06You're going to hospital, Granddad...
0:09:06 > 0:09:07and you're not coming fuckin' back.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Mammy.- Yes, love? - Did you see me Psychology magazine?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- I left it down here last night. - No and if you left it on that chair,
0:09:16 > 0:09:17it's probably up his arse!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Arse like a buckin' Dyson he has!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:28Cathy, there has to be something I can do about Dermot and Maria.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Mammy...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- ..as I said, we all need to just butt out. - I want to be involved...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I want to be a leader! Like your man in Iran,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39'Mock Mood Momamma Jibbidi Get It Back Up Again'.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Mammy, of all people you stay out of this. I mean it.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Promise me you won't interfere.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50OK!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Me? Interfere?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- Biscuit, Maria?- Thank you.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Ah, I cut the edges off so they fit in the mug.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13LAUGHTER
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Oh. I see.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20So, Maria, why are you torturing my son?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Excuse me?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Well, you've obviously done something to upset him.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26How can we make it right?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Maybe if you apologise?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Me? Apologise?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33That's the spirit, love!
0:10:33 > 0:10:38Mrs Brown, I have no idea what Dermot has told you about what's going on, but...
0:10:38 > 0:10:41maybe I should say I'm sorry all right, sorry I ever met him,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45sorry I allowed myself to fall in love with him and sorry I ever got involved with his family.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50And sorry that he has to put up with such a domineering matriarch as you!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I was hoping for something shorter!
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- Dermot, you're home, just in time. Maria has something she wants to tell you.- You have?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Yeah! I hope you and your mother will be very happy together!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Keep it short! Keep it short! - Now get stuffed!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:08DOOR SLAMS
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Do you want a cup of tea, love?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What the hell happened here, Mammy?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15What the hell happened? She came here, sat down,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17nibbled the biscuits and dunk...
0:11:17 > 0:11:18I don't know what to...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20She meant... What is this side... So she...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I'm here... Oh, yeah, wuzzah... And she said...
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Don't you muck! Eh!
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Ohhh! Zem! Nice! You keep away! Uzzah!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30It's no wonder you dumped her!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:36I didn't dump HER. She broke up with me, because I wouldn't move in with her.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- Leave home?- Yes! She wants us to move in together.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's far too early for that!
0:11:41 > 0:11:42I'm 33.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Exactly!
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Mammy, I wish you'd stay out of things and for once...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51mind your own business!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56You are my business!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I'm...your mother...
0:11:59 > 0:12:00- AUDIENCE:- Awww.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03It's a man in a fuckin' dress!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Here, Cathy...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I believe your date was a disaster.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I wouldn't say that, Winnie!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15You're better off, Cathy.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Men, preverts!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19LAUGHTER
0:12:19 > 0:12:22They all look for one thing, and don't need a com-pass!
0:12:22 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Will you stop it, Mammy! He wanted to go out and have a talk.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Oh, a talk... yeah! Talk about doin' it!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Mammy... - Hold on, where's me handbag?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Feckin' hang on.
0:12:40 > 0:12:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Me tablets are in it.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Mammy, my date was not a disaster!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Well, when are you seeing him again? - I'm not.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Disaster!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:07My Sharon's got herself a new...
0:13:07 > 0:13:08yoke.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Boyfriend, Mrs McGoogan. I've met him and he's very nice.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13One of the usual weirdos Sharon picks?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Actually he's a gentleman. - Gentleman, Betty?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- And what would you call a gentleman? - I dunno.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Opens the door for you?- Mmmm.- Takes your coat off when you go in?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- Mmmmm.- Pulls the chair out when you go to sit down.- Aye!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Dirty bastard!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER
0:13:29 > 0:13:31That's all put on!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33He just wants to play hide the sausage!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Will you stop it, Mammy.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Not all men are sex maniacs!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Yes, they are!
0:13:42 > 0:13:43- They are!- Aren't they, Winnie?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Only last year, me and Winnie went to that film festival, The "Cock-a-Coh".
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Uh, what's the one with the...
0:13:48 > 0:13:51the motorbike and the swords and..
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- Radiator!- Gladiator!- The Graduate!
0:13:55 > 0:13:56LAUGHTER
0:13:56 > 0:13:59We looked great with our Liverpool hairdos.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00I had mine like Cilla Black,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02she had hers like fuckin' Ken Dodd.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03LAUGHTER
0:14:03 > 0:14:07We went to that picture house and were only five minutes there...
0:14:07 > 0:14:08- Five minutes.- ..sitting down.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I can't...I can't say it! I'm too embarrassed. You tell them.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- Well, this...- ..fella came over and sat beside Winnie, right beside her.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- Right beside me!- Right beside her!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Five minutes later, what's he do? What's he do?
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- He takes his willy out...- Out!- Out!
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Oh, my God.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30The dirty bastard!...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Winnie says to me, "Look, look Agnes!"
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Well, I glanced... I only feckin' glanced!
0:14:36 > 0:14:37LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:42- Oh, my God!- What? - He was playing with it!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Poor Winnie was disgusted. - I was disgusted.- She was disgusted!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- Well, why didn't you move? - We couldn't move!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50He was using Winnie's hand.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59I'm only joking, Winnie!
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Oh, Jesus!
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Well, here...
0:15:05 > 0:15:10..it's because of weirdos like him that I carry this.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Jesus!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Jesus Christ! What's that?
0:15:13 > 0:15:20It's a Tazer gun. If it was me he sat beside, I'd give him one jab of this and he'd be electrocuted.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22And she wonders why she can't get a man.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Vibrators!
0:15:29 > 0:15:30I beg your pardon, Winnie?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Well, nowadays, that's what the women do get, them vibrators!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Shut the buck up, Winnie!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Honest, Agnes, they do!
0:15:40 > 0:15:41I think I might get one meself!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Well, make sure you get one that takes diesel!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Can you imagine her with a vibrator?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56"Winnie, are you coming to Bingo on the bus?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59"No, I'm on a vibrator!"
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Hahahaha!
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Oh, Winnie, stop that feckin' dirty talk!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Hello? Yes? Is that Out Patients?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I'm enquiring about Mr Brown.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Brow-we-nuh.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17..Up his arse, that's him, yes.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Very generous? Why, what did he do?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Nurse, is he near you? Put him on the phone will you, please?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29For God's sake, feckin' eejit.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Hello Granddad. Yes, did you fill out a form there this morning?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Yeah. What did you tick off on it?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Kidneys...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40heart...
0:16:40 > 0:16:41liver...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43that was a donor form!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47No, it wasn't the feckin' breakfast menu!
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Well, you go back to her and make sure you get all the bits you went in with!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I swear that man is getting feckin' worse every day!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Mammy?- What?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I really enjoyed those few drinks we had last night!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- You had enough of them! - Yeah, one more vodka and I'd have been under that table!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09One more pint of cider and I'd have been under that buckin' barman!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- You wouldn't, would you, Mrs Brown? - Don't be ridiculous, Betty!
0:17:14 > 0:17:19It's so long since I had sex, I can't even remember who it is that gets tied up!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Here, we'll miss the shops.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- You all right, Cathy?- Yeah!
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Mammy...
0:17:26 > 0:17:28keep an eye on me Tazer for me will you, it's charging.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30When the red light goes out, plug it out.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Red light out, plug out. Cathy love...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37..what am I going to do about Dermot and Maria?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I think you've done enough.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I have an idea. Cathy, you're training to be a psychologist.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Why not give them counselling? - Counselling?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- That's not a bad idea, Betty. - No, no, Cathy!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- I'll talk to Maria. - I'll see you later, Mrs Brown.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54See you later, Betty. Cathy, Cathy love. Wait a second!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56We need to talk about this! You can't just...
0:17:56 > 0:17:57PHONE RINGS
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Cathy! Cathy, love!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02You're not even qualified to feckin' counsel for God's sake! Cathy!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04PHONE RINGS
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Cathy, for God's sake!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Hello?
0:18:12 > 0:18:16PHONE RINGS
0:18:16 > 0:18:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Hello? Hell, hell, hello?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32How do you do, do, do, do do?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36No, there, there's no O'Brien here...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39you have, have the wr...wrong number.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Are you fucking deaf?!
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Oh, hello, Father Quinn!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Hm! Counselling? No counselling in my day.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04You must be joking. If me and your father had problems, we couldn't run to a counsellor!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06No way, Jose!
0:19:06 > 0:19:10We'd sort it out ourselves, like adults! Into a room on our own...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12and I'd knock the shite out of him.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17We didn't need a counsellor...
0:19:17 > 0:19:19We needed a buckin' referee!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Well, we're nearly ready to get started.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oh, don't mind me.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I'm just a fly on the wall, a fly on the wall.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Bzz, bzz, bzz.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Tss, tss, tss.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36HE COUGHS
0:19:36 > 0:19:39LAUGHTER
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I think everybody would be more comfortable if you weren't here.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44It's a pity everybody doesn't pay the buckin' rent!
0:19:44 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:52All right Mammy, but please...don't interfere.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Fly, wall, me.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Bz.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59OK then, let's begin...
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Badges!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03You never gave us our badges!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Badges?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06We're all meant to have badges.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08You know, "My name is Agnes Brown. I'm a lunatic!"
0:20:08 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:13No, Mammy. You don't get badges.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14You're meant to get badges.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16You don't, Mammy, and that's the end of it!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Fine... you forgot the badges.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Maria, what do you...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I have stickers upstairs!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27We could use stickers and a marker and write the names on.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Mammy, please!
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I'm only trying to help you out of your badge situation.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I DON'T HAVE A BADGE SITUATION!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Well, obviously, because you don't have fuckin' badges!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I did not forget the badges, we're just not having badges.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Badges would be pointless in this situation, because we don't need them!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Cathy, calm down...
0:20:50 > 0:20:52..you're making something out of nothing!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Dermot, you don't need a badge. Maria, need a badge?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58No, I don't need a badge. Fuck the badges!
0:20:58 > 0:20:59LAUGHTER
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Maria...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- what do you think started all of this?- Well...
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- Miss! Miss! - Mammy, is this you not interfering?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11No, it's Sooty in his nude!
0:21:12 > 0:21:17I just want to say this is Dermot's home. Dermot should go first.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Mammy, it doesn't matter who goes first.- Then start with Dermot.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23No, Mammy, I will not start with Dermot.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Now, if you don't mind, there's a system for doing this.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Is there?- Yeah!- Well, how come it doesn't matter who goes first?
0:21:28 > 0:21:33- I beg your pardon?- You can't have "system" and "doesn't matter" in the same feckin' sentence.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Imagine if that was the system for landing airplanes?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38And the pilot coming in to land says,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40"Excuse me captain...captain...
0:21:40 > 0:21:43"whatever your name is, cos we've no fuckin' badges."
0:21:43 > 0:21:45LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"Are the wheels down?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49"Oh, it doesn't matter!"
0:21:50 > 0:21:51BOOF!
0:21:53 > 0:21:57That wouldn't that be a nice way for the Hoolihans to start their two weeks in Fuengerola!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Do you know what, Mammy?- What?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02You do this every time.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Ah, don't exaggerate, I never flew an airplane in me buckin' life.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10You mess everything up when I try to do my own thing!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- You're getting paranoid.- Am I?- Yes!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Well, what about Teddy Brannigan?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Teddy Brannigan?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- That was a long time ago. - Yes, it was, but you still remember it, don't you?
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Oh, I remember, all right.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28LAUGHTER
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You were sixteen years of age!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Not a titty to your name.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36I was going to get you glasses so people would know which way you were facing!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45The neighbours used to say, "Here comes Cathy Brown with the two backs".
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Teddy Brannigan used to go up and down our road at two o'clock in the morning,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53"Neeeeow, neeeeeow, brrm."
0:22:53 > 0:22:55If he got a motorbike, he'd be dangerous!
0:22:58 > 0:23:02And you, running behind him with your helmet on you!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04I was in love!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Love, my arse! What would you know about love at sixteen?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Especially to a thug like that.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Oh, Mammy, if you had your way, I'd never get a man!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14It'd help if you'd stop electrocuting 'em!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I saved you!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- You saved me? - Don't try and thank me now!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I'm not thanking you. I don't know what you're talking about!
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- You wouldn't have been happy! - Well, I'm not happy now, so there!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31You should talk to yourself and leave them alone!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- Jesus Christ!- Jesus Christ, yourself!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36You won't even let me...
0:23:36 > 0:23:38THEY ARGUE
0:23:38 > 0:23:40LOOK!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- This is a waste of time!- Is it?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Mammy, it's not just Teddy Brannigan, is it?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48No man I ever meet will be good enough for you, will they?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Where did I leave my violin?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- I'm going to me room. - Go to your room... Oh, Jesus!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55How could you do that?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59How could you beat your mother?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I brushed off you!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03You beat me! Oh, my Jesus...
0:24:03 > 0:24:04It's gone dead!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10It's gone dead, look, it's feckin' dead! Look it's feckin'...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Oh, Cathy, I can't turn left!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14It's spreading... Oh!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Jesus Christ, I've gone blind!
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- Cathy!- I'm going!- Is she still there?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41This is ridiculous!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Cathy! Cathy, wait! Cathy, please...
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Cathy, let me explain!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Cathy...
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Cath...
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Don't bring me up them feckin' stairs!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58You saw that, now. I was minding my own business
0:24:58 > 0:25:01and she feckin' attacked me!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03This is because she forgot the feckin' badges.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09I tell you now, if Jesus Christ appears to me and asks me to sacrifice a child...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11she's fuckin' gone!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Well, I feel much better after that.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21So do I.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24I'm so sorry, Maria.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25No, Dermot, look I'm sorry.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I shouldn't have made a big deal about us moving in.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Yes, you should!
0:25:31 > 0:25:32You were right, Maria.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34You mean you want us to live together?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- On one condition.- What?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Will you marry me, Maria? - Oh, yeah I will.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Right!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Let's go down to Foley's and tell everyone! Haha!
0:26:03 > 0:26:08- I thought that went well. - Yeah, Mammy, it did, it was a great idea.- Thanks, love.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I'll get you a cup of tea.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12BANGING
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I swear that man thinks I'm on a feckin' bungee rope!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19What do you want now?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21'I think I'm dying!'
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Yeah? Well, call me when you're sure.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Go up and see what's wrong with him will you, Cathy?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Tell him if he doesn't behave, I'll come and take his temperature!
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Cathy!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Here, love, that's for you.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39What's this?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Encyclopaedia Britannica.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45It's a phone number.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Yes, it's Teddy Brannigan's phone number.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54You know I don't like gossip, but I was down at me yoga classes and...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59..I was levitating beside Mary Matthews and...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01she was talking about Teddy Brannigan.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05His wife shagged off on him, left him with two young kids, two years ago.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10It's not easy on your own with young children, and I know that. And I...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I thought a phone call might cheer him up.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15You know you get a phone call sometimes, "Hello?
0:27:15 > 0:27:16"Oh, Jesus I'm cheered up!"
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Anyway that's his number...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- Thank you, Mammy.- You're welcome!
0:27:29 > 0:27:30I mean it, Mammy.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Really.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Thank you.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I know you do.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43That...that's what we do, love...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45mothers...
0:27:45 > 0:27:46that's what we feckin' do.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59That's it, I suppose, you know. I'm not a cleaner, or a businesswoman.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02I'm a mother.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06And, and that's what we do. That!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11He's still a buckin' thug!
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Who are you talking to, Mammy?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Nobody. Just meself, you know. Nobody important.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Goodnight.
0:28:26 > 0:28:33# Say hello to the Queen of Dublin Town
0:28:33 > 0:28:35# As the best mum of all
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# She wears a crown
0:28:38 > 0:28:41# Mother hen watching over chicks
0:28:41 > 0:28:45# A sassy old lady full of tricks
0:28:45 > 0:28:50# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# She's Mrs Brown
0:28:53 > 0:28:57# That's Mrs Brown... #
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk