0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Ladies and Gentlemen...
0:00:13 > 0:00:15welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Hello! Come in, come in!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30I'm just making some Brown Bread.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32It's my mother's recipe.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33It's a secret!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35THUMPING
0:00:35 > 0:00:37What do you want, Grandad?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- I'm too weak to get down the stairs. - Well, use the lift!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44I'm in the kitchen on the second floor beside the swimming pool!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46PHONE RINGS
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Excuse me.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Mammy, mammy, mammy, mammy, mammy!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I'll get it... I'm sure it's Mick.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Mick me arse!
0:00:54 > 0:00:59Now that's Mick, the latest NEW boyfriend.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I'm not even allowed to answer me own phone now.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I go to answer me phone I get a feckin' rugby tackle...
0:01:05 > 0:01:09I don't get a rugby tackle when I'm on me way down to pay the feckin' bill!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Oh, yes, and
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Mick is a secret. Mmm...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18he must be ugly!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- Oh, grow up, for God's sake! - Who is it, Cathy?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24It's a heavy breather. I'm hanging up.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Oh, no, don't... it might be your Uncle Terry. His asthma is very bad.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Oh! Hello?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Ye dirty bastard!
0:01:33 > 0:01:37- What did he say? - "If you can guess what I have in my hand, you can have it."
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Gimme the phone!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Hello? If it fits in ONE hand you can feckin' keep it!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Hello?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:53God, Mammy, you're well able for them.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I've no feckin' time for them.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I had one of them on two weeks ago...
0:01:58 > 0:02:01He said "If you come down to the corner I'll show you me willy."
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Dirty bastard...
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Never feckin' turned up!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- All right Mammy?- Hello, Rory, do you want a cup of tea?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- No.- Are you going into town?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Yeah!- Now, don't you go getting some girl into trouble.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23I won't.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- How are you, Agnes?- Hiya, Winnie.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32- Are you putting the kettle on or what?- Hang on - I'm not on feckin' wheels!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Can you believe it, Agnes?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Your Dermot getting married!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I know, it's all very exciting.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Of course this will be your first WHITE wedding, won't it, Agnes?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Meaning?
0:02:46 > 0:02:51Well, your Cathy was married in a registry office in London, and we all know how that ended.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Will you keep your feckin' voice down?
0:02:53 > 0:02:54PHONE RINGS
0:02:54 > 0:02:56That's that dirty bastard again!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Hello, Hornball.
0:03:00 > 0:03:06how would you like me to grab you by the willy and swing you round the room like a windmill?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Aha... yes! Hold on, Mick.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09I'll get her for you.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Cathy, Ca-Cathy, it's Mick, it's Mick for you!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- Mammy! - I think we had a crossed line...
0:03:17 > 0:03:19there was voices and all...
0:03:19 > 0:03:22he must be in a train station.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Hello, son! Aha...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27you looking for a light?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Nice one, Mammy! Hello, Mrs McGoogan!
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Hiya, Dermot son. Ah, congratulations on your engagement.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I'm delighted for yourself and Maria.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38You look tired, love. I'll make you a cuppa tea.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Why don't you lie down there in the ashtray?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41THUMPING
0:03:41 > 0:03:44What do you want, Grandad?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Help me! I'm stuck in the lift!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Cathy, are you still up there?- Yes!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55No, you're not. I can fuckin' see you standing there...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58she's standing there!
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Well, go into your Grandad's bedroom and get him out of the feckin' wardrobe.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08What's WRONG, Dermot?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- Mrs Nicholson is talking about dropping in to see you.- Oh, lovely!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- At last, I get to meet her! - She's very posh, Mammy.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16And so are we.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18We have a series on the BBC.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I don't think she has!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Yeah, Mammy. Maria's parents don't know what I do.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I just told them I was in PR. I don't think they'd like...
0:04:29 > 0:04:30this!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Anti-smokers, are they?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- No.- No buts!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40No, Mammy... me dressing up in costumes.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I'm sure Mrs Nicholson is just like any mother.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Once her daughter is happy, she won't care what you feckin' do!
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Really, Dermot, don't you be worrying about her. When she leaves this house
0:04:50 > 0:04:55she'll know that Maria is marrying into the finest family in Finglas!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- And you're doing it the right way, son, not like your brother Mark. - What was wrong with Mark's wedding?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Well, Betty... You know... it was a bit of a rush...
0:05:04 > 0:05:08She was pregnant! Oh, Winnie, drag yourself in to the 26th century.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11So what? Look at them now.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14A lovely house in Finglas, and a beautiful child in Bono,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16and Mark and Betty are as happy as happy can be.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Mark and Betty had a row. She threw him out!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Jesus - that the time? Goodnight, Winnie. Come on!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Jesus, Agnes, I'm only after getting my tea!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Mind you don't spill it getting over the hedge! Goodnight!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Is Mark still asleep?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Yes. He was exhausted and upset when he got here last night.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- I think we should put him on a suicide watch.- Will you stop, Rory?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I took all the tablets out of the first aid kit and hid them!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46The only thing that was in the first aid kit was indigestion tablets!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48What did he want him to do... shit himself to death?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53You can't do that, Cathy, can you?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- Goodbye, cruel world! - FARTING NOISE
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Well, at least my son came home here.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03My door is always open.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05That's the problem.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- I beg you pardon, Missy? - He's a married man, Mammy, he shouldn't be coming here.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Should he not? Well, that's funny. You're married and you're fuckin' here!
0:06:14 > 0:06:19Now look, when Mark Brown gets down here, we all pretend we know nothing.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Jesus, that's him now. Everybody hide!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25No, no, no! Everybody just look normal.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Hiya, Mark!- Howyeh!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- Hiya Ma!- Hello son...
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- good morning!- Morning!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Sit down there in Mammy's chair!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Come on!
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- All right, Rory? - BURSTS INTO SOBS
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- You all right?- Yeah, grand.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- Do you wanna talk about it?- No.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59It helps to talk about it, Mark. Believe me, I know.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Shut up, you. Leave the child alone!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Right, I'm off to work.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- Right, see you later, love. - See you later, Ma.- Bye, love.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- (Say goodbye, say goodbye!- What?)
0:07:10 > 0:07:12All me sharp tools are missing!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Rory Brown!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26It was for your own good, Marko!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I'll see yous later!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I'll see you... I'll see you, love... Have a nice day at work now!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Ya feckin' eejit!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53DOORBELL RINGS
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Look at you! Diet Coke break!
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Yes?
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Hello, Agnes darling! Hillary Nicholson!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- What?- Maria's mother!- Oh, of course!
0:08:11 > 0:08:18- I was in the area, and I just thought I'd pop in for a pre-nuptial chat, as it were.- Come in, come in!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Oh, thank you.- Oh, bad leg?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Yes, I injured it a couple of weeks ago - skiing accident.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25I was on the piste.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Drink - will we ever feckin' learn?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Give me that!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Would you like a cushion for that foot?
0:08:38 > 0:08:44- Oh, no, no, actually it's not sore and this comes off tomorrow.- Oh!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Oh, wallpaper!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Oh, how very...eighties!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Well, the paper went up in '84, but the border didn't go up till '92.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh, I see.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Hillary... what's your maiden name?
0:08:58 > 0:09:03- Sheridan.- I knew I knew your face, John Sheridan, the clerk of St Jarleth's Church...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- he was your father?- That's right.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Yeah. Nice man.- Thank you...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09now where was I?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Oh, yes, Maria's wedding.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15And Dermot's. She's not marrying herself!
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Yes, of course. I just wanted to have a little chat...
0:09:20 > 0:09:22make sure we don't clash on the day.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24You and me clash? Not at all.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26You keep your fuckin' mouth shut, we'll be grand.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27DOOR CLOSES
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Betty? Betty?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- What do you want? - Is my husband here?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Betty, I wish you'd use his name.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Mark... Ma-ha-hark..
0:09:41 > 0:09:45I didn't go through a hundred hours of labour and then forget to name him.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Nobody is in labour for a hundred hours, not even Agnes Brown.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53I'll have you know, I was so long in labour on that child, they had to shave me twice!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Well, that's when he was your son.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58He's my husband now.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02He was my son for a long time before he was your husband.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- So is he here or not? - No, but he'll be home shortly, for a decent bit of dinner.
0:10:05 > 0:10:11Cook him as many dinners as you like, but you tell him if it's a wife he wants, he'd better call ME!
0:10:11 > 0:10:15A wife? Don't make me laugh. It's a wife my son needs...
0:10:15 > 0:10:17not a fuckin' sample!
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Hello!
0:10:24 > 0:10:29Um, I think I'll just slip out the back way.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Hello?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Wait a minute!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I bookin' live here!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Go on, out... OUT!
0:10:48 > 0:10:52When are you going to realise your sons are grown men and stop treating them like children?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55As soon as they can find themselves a woman that's good enough to replace ME.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57You are one bitch!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Look at me, I'm bookin' shakin'.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Wagon!- Baggy arse!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Ah, shag off!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07You watch your fuckin' language in my house!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12And we all know your hair is fuckin' dyed.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15I thought that went well!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- So Hillary... You were saying? - Ah, yes, yes.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Clothes for the wedding, Agnes, I was talking about clothes!
0:11:24 > 0:11:29- Clothes?- Exactly. I wouldn't want us to be dressed alike!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Neither would fuckin' I.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Jesus, Grandad, come on.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Let's get you upstairs.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Why don't I make the two of us a nice cup of tea and we can discuss it?
0:11:44 > 0:11:49you'd like that, wouldn't you? Am I right, am I right?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Tea? Cup of tea?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Er, yes, yes... No, no.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02Um, look, my outfit for the wedding. I've had it put by at Harvey Nicks.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You're hardly likely to be shopping there, are you?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08No. But I have got me eye on a beautiful suit.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I seen it in the window of Marcelle's Boutique!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Marcelle's? Oh, well, you'd need a mortgage to shop there.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Oh, then it'll probably be San Michelle!
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Oh, St Michael. Oh, Agnes, you are so funny!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Amn't I... fuckin' hilarious.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Well, I mustn't keep you.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I need to get to the gym, make some appointments...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31as soon as this is off, I'm getting back into shape.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34What shape are you going for... Balloon, is it?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38You might like to visit the gym yourself.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I will, when they start playing feckin' bingo there.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I'll get you a cup of tea... Oh, no.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48I'll get you a cuppa tea!
0:12:48 > 0:12:53Oh, and Hillary, thank you very much for the heads up about the clothes for the wedding.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Yes, OK!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Just steer clear of silver.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Silver - you're wearing silver?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Yes.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04She's wearing fuckin' silver.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06She must be coming as RoboCop!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- Was that not the door? - I didn't hear it.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Are you expecting somebody?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23No, I just thought I heard the door.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Oh, a sample!
0:13:42 > 0:13:43I need a size six.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- Well, hello... if it isn't Cathy's little secret!- I'm sorry?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Come in. She's not ready yet but she'll be down in a minute.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09That's very kind, thank you!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Oh, sit down, sit down...
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- I'm Cathy's mother... Agnes.- Hi!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Nice to meet you!
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- So tell me a little about yourself? - Me? There's very little to tell.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Well... where are you from?- Wicklow.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Right...
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- And brothers and sisters? - No. I'm an only child.- Aw!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Did Daddy have a low sperm count?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- I'm sorry?- Now look...
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- I won't beat around the bush. Are you sleeping with my daughter? - Nooooh!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Get a feckin' move on - she won't hang around forever.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53She likes a bit of... you know... pumpy, pumpy!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- All right, Mammy!- Hello love.- Hello.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Excuse me a second.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Cathy, don't be so feckin' bad mannered!
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- What?- You just walked past him like he was a perfect stranger!- Who? - Mick, your boyfriend!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13That's not Mick.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15What?
0:15:20 > 0:15:24That man in there is not my boyfriend.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- Well, who is he, then?- I don't know. You're the one that's talking to him.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Excuse me a second.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Cathy... get rid of him!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44He is YOUR problem. You get rid of him!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I'm sorry about that... there's been a mistake - yeah.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54See, you were supposed to be Mick... you know... and you're not Mick...
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And you've no sperms. Now look... wha...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59it's...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01my...get out!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I'm sorry?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Come on... out! Go on... get out, out, out, out, out...
0:16:08 > 0:16:09OUT!
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- Wait... now, For just one euro a week.- Son... Go!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Have you thought about life insurance?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- No... but I'd go for another kiss! - No, thank you,
0:16:22 > 0:16:27- "You should visit the gym yourself," she says.- YOU in a gym.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Yeah... well I used to do all that!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- Did yeah?- Oh, Jeez, yes. I used to do the...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I could tell you stories.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I remember I went to a Turkish Bath once in Dame Street.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I was never so embarrassed in me life.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46- Why?- I went in and it was all steam everywhere, so I took off all me clothes.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I'm there in me nude and when the steam cleared, I was in a fuckin' chip shop!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Do you want salt and vinegar on that?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Same again, Pet? - Yes, it's about time!
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- Have you got a minute, Mammy? - Yes, all the time in the world for you chicken honey.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- What is it, love?- Mammy...
0:17:09 > 0:17:14Have you ever wondered WHY I never wanted to play for Mark's football team?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I know why, love.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- You do?- I've known for years. I just couldn't say anything to you.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21You're shite!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26You're good at some things, but football isn't one of them.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Mammy, you never listen to me!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Rory, you can't even do a feckin' headier!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- There you go, pet!- Thanks, Winnie.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Jaysus.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- she hasn't wasted much time!- Who?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Your Mark's Betty. Look!
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Don't be jumping to conclusions.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51It could be perfectly innocent.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Remember before we were married and you accused me of going off with your Jacko?
0:17:54 > 0:18:00Well, you told Esther Cowan that my Jacko had a scar on his willy!
0:18:00 > 0:18:01I did NOT say that.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I said it FELT like a scar!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:11 > 0:18:14This could be more serious than I thought.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Oh, now!
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- Wouldn't you love to be her. - Who?- Sarah Le Pippalyn!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Who?- Sarah Le Pippalyn.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26She was laid by 5,000 men.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Show me that?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Mammy, that's SAHARA PIPELINE!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Mammy, what the hell happened here with Mrs Nicholson?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Nothing. She seemed fine when she was leaving here!- What's up?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Maria's mother! She's now talking about having the wedding in Italy.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53We couldn't afford to go to the Italy for a wedding!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56That's the point. She doesn't want the Browns there.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- You've made things worse!- Look.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Don't you be worrying, son.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05She'll come round, once she calms down. Everything will work out how it was supposed to.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09It always does! And Mark, Betty called here the other day looking for you.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Did she?- You should talk to her.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- Ma, just leave it, will you? - No, I just won't leave it. What's going on?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- I don't want to talk about it! - Fine.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Fine. Well, if a man can't talk to his own mother!
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Yes?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I was offered a promotion in work.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33A promotion? A promotion to what?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Supervisor.- Ah.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Not an ordinary visor!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- "Mark Brown: Supervisor"! - I turned it down.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46"Turned it down..." You feckin' turned it down?!
0:19:46 > 0:19:51- Well, what did Betty say about that? - That's the thing. I didn't tell her before I turned it down.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53For God's sake, Mark.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56No wonder she's fighting with you! You can't do that, son.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You're a married man. It's not all just about you now.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03It's a team. You have to t...
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Can I help you?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Well, mind your own business!
0:20:12 > 0:20:13We'll talk later.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17You and me. Talk later!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Walls. Fuckin' ears!
0:20:24 > 0:20:25So then, Rory.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Decided to stay on your tools?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Rory?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Rory? I don't think his name is Rory!
0:20:32 > 0:20:37Him Mark. Me Agnes. You Dermot.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Not Rory. Would you like another go at it, son?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44MIMICS TAPE REWINDING
0:20:46 > 0:20:48APPLAUSE
0:20:48 > 0:20:51So then, Mark. Decided to stay with your tools?
0:20:51 > 0:20:56- Yeah! - CLAPPING
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Mark the chippy, always one of the lads!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06At least I'm not a thief.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09You're the brightest in the whole family. You could be anything!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- Brighter than you? - I can't read, Dermot.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14And I can't write.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17That's why I turned down the promotion - PAPER work!
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Does Betty know?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- No.- How could she NOT know? - Because you hide it, Dermot.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26I can read me name, or the labels on things I use a lot, but paperwork?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28No way!
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- Betty? What's up? Is Bono all right? - Well, look who it is.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What's wrong - no date tonight?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Bono's fine. except that he's missing his father.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Tell him about the man you were with in Foley's last night!
0:21:41 > 0:21:46- He's a teacher!- Yeah, what's he teach? The Kama Sutra?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Ma, shut up!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50What were you doing with a teacher?
0:21:50 > 0:21:54He's looking for a part-time cleaner, and I've taken the job
0:21:54 > 0:21:56and in return he's going to teach YOU to read and write!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Read and write?- You knew?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Of course I knew!- Knew what?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Now come on Mark, come home.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- Please. - See ya, Ma!- What did she know?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Know what?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Dermot, what did she know?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I'll see you, Ma. I'm going for a smoke.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Well, I'm glad I sorted all that out.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33SHE SOBS
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Mammy?- You're very early.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- I've a fucking whole line to do! - Of course you do!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50SHE SOBS
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Wah-ha-ha!
0:23:04 > 0:23:10Once, that's all I ask - just once I'd like us to be fuckin' normal!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15- Mammy?- Hello, son!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Is everything all right?- No.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- I've made a balls of the whole lot.- No, you haven't.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25YES I HAVE!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Trevor is gone on the missions because he can't get far enough away from me.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I've ruined Dermot's wedding.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I don't know what's wrong with Rory.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34He says I won't listen to him.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Mammy!- Not now, Rory, for fuck's sake!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42And you.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I never gave you a chance after your divorce, did I?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48And he was beating you, wasn't he?
0:23:48 > 0:23:54And you know, Cathy, when your father died I was so busy just trying to keep it all together,
0:23:54 > 0:23:58that I never even bothered to make sure Mark could read and write.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I'm a gobshite!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Yeah. You are.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I beg your fuckin' pardon?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12You're a gobshite, Mammy, because you can't see what you HAVE done!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Now don't plamause me!
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Mark left school when he was 12, sure enough, but he was there for eight years
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- and he never missed a single day!- Not one day!
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Now, if a school can't teach a child to read and write in eight years,
0:24:27 > 0:24:31well, that's the teachers' fault, Mammy. It's not yours.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33The bastards!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Mammy.- What?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Trevor is on the missions, because he has a kind heart,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48which he got from you.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Rory knows what he wants to tell you.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57He's just afraid of hurting you.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Don't be ridiculous. Rory couldn't hurt me.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02He's one of my boys!
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- And me, Mammy.- Go on.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12Mammy, I'm just like you! If you don't like something - change it.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14You taught me that.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- So you see, Mammy. you did a good job.- Dermot!- What?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Dermot, you forgot all about Dermot. - I didn't forget him. - You forgot Dermot!
0:25:27 > 0:25:32I did not forget him, Mammy. I just couldn't think of anything nice to say about him.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Well, go on.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43You tell me something nice about Dermot.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Well?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48He makes me laugh!
0:25:50 > 0:25:57I know it's not a big thing but Jesus Christ, he always makes me laugh!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Come here, Mammy!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh, don't start that shit now!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I'm going to have to feckin' toughen you up!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Cathy!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I'd be lost without you.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17This last couple of days.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Goodnight, Mammy!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Wait a minute. I haven't got fuckin' Venetian blinds.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37DOORBELL RINGS
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Oh, Hillary, thanks very much for coming over!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Ah, I didn't say come in.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53I just wanted you to know that I think your choice of the Ritz Crown Hotel is a wonderful choice.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Well, actually, we are thinking of moving it to Italy.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02Yes, whatever happened to the church fund the year your father was in charge of it?
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Did they ever find out?
0:27:04 > 0:27:09- I always liked the Ritz Crown Hotel. - Me too!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12You take care now. Arrivederci!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16APPLAUSE
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Everyone has their little secret.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Cathy and her SECRET boyfriend.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27And imagine Mark keeping that secret all those years.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29That's not right.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Oh, there's some secrets it's all right to keep, like.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Your age, or your weight.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Or whether or not someone has a scar on their willy.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41But not Mark's secret. no.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Or the recipe for brown bread.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I must tell you some time!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Goodbye! Come on, Grandad!