0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- Granddad wants to hear all the nice things said about him. - At his own funeral?!
0:00:08 > 0:00:14- I suggested we have a pretend funeral and let Granddad hear them. - We better ask the corpse.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Granddad, how would you like to die on Friday?
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Friday is grand!
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Friday it is, then!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Hi, Granddad!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Don't talk to him. He's fuckin' dead!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28- What's this? - It's Granddad's death certificate.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- You don't need a death certificate. - Oh, yes, I do!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34He's due 15,000 euro from his union the day he dies.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38He's retired 15 years. I'm flipped if I'm waiting any longer!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Now let us take a moment to remember him.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Would anybody like to say a word in his memory?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50OK, then!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52GASPS
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Has nobody got anything good to say?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57He's... he's not dead!
0:00:57 > 0:01:01No, he's not! He's alive. Oh, my God...it's a miracle!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03It's a miracle, Father!
0:01:14 > 0:01:18'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!'
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# She's Mrs Brown
0:01:21 > 0:01:24# That's Mrs Brown
0:01:24 > 0:01:27# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
0:01:27 > 0:01:29APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Winnie, put the kettle on. I just want to do Granddad's feet!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Hello! I'll be with you in a couple of minutes.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Granddad, are you ready for your pedicure?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Ah, good man. Give me a second.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Well, no sign of a flat yet for Dermot and Maria,
0:01:43 > 0:01:44but they are looking.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Agnes, can I ask a stupid question?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Better than anyone else I know!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Why do crabs walk sideways?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53So they can do their song!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55What?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58# Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside! #
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Ah, right!
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Well, you can't blame Dermot and Maria for wanting to move out.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11The house is crowded enough as it is with Trevor home.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14But you don't mind sleeping in the bath do you, Granddad?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Foot!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22NAILS SHOOT LIKE BULLETS
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I love The Blue Planet.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I'm sure it loves you right back!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28No, the programme, on the telly.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Oh, right!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Did you know penguins mate for life?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Of course they do. They all look the same!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40They're hardly going to leave for a feckin' better looking one!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I suppose.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48It would be nice if Trevor could stay for the big event.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Oh, I never told you. The big event! Maria's pregnant!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54It's so feckin' exciting!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56How's Sharon, Winnie?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Don't ask...
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Why? What's up?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- She has no boyfriend.- What happened? - They wanted different things.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Sharon wanted the big white wedding dress and the honeymoon in the Carrabini.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- And what did he want? - He wanted to break up.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Well, that is feckin' different.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Oh, I better go. Get her up!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I'll call in later.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Oh, me life will be empty till then!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Morning, Mammy!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Hiya, Cathy. How's your Dick?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It's Mick!
0:03:29 > 0:03:34- And how are things there?- Grand thanks, Winnie. How's Sharon?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Not great. Jeez, better go, she'll be late!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I'll call over her later and see if she's OK!
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Who's the letter from?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44The insurance company... about Granddad's insurance!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48They say they want to investigate his death. Why would that be?
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Let me think... Maybe because he's not dead!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Well, I blame Granddad.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I told him, "Stop collecting your pension."
0:03:57 > 0:04:00But would he listen? No!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04This is serious, Mammy. They're alleging fraud.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06You could go to prison!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08PSYCHO VIOLIN SCREECH
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Piss off!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I better go.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Don't touch me. Dead man walking!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41WASP BUZZES
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Granddad, now, remember, if anyone calls, you're dead!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46OK!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49WASP BUZZES
0:04:54 > 0:04:55- Winnie?- Yes, Agnes?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Give us me flapper.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05BUZZING STOPS
0:05:10 > 0:05:11I'm dead!
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Don't feckin' move!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Aarrgh!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Fastest flapper in the west!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- Good shot, Agnes! - Ah, thanks, Winnie.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Ah, Jesus, you should clean this thing, Agnes.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I tried, Winnie. You can't get it off!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I'm sure I have stuff that would clean this.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28One of the products they sent me to test!
0:05:28 > 0:05:29I'll do it right now!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Thanks very much, Winnie! - DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Cathy, Cathy! Get that door will you please!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Ah, Mammy, I'm doing me make up!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It might be the insurance man and I have to prepare Granddad.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Come on, Granddad!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Get down!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Oh, for God's sake, Mammy!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48He's supposed to be feckin' dead!
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Oh, it's YOU.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Jesus, Cathy, what happened to you?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Shut up, Buster Brady. I'm getting ready for a date.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- With who? The Lone Ranger? - Oh, get stuffed!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Hello, Mrs Brown.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Hello, Granddad!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I'm dead!
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Is Dermo here?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- No.- Did you not get your insurance money yet, Mrs Brown?
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Not yet.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Oh, lovely. Two sugars please.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Don't be feckin' cheeky! And what are you doing here anyway?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31We haven't seen you since the Christmas party!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I just popped around to say hello.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Well, you've said it. Now shag off.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I mean it, Buster Brady.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Every time your name comes up, Maria gets upset
0:06:41 > 0:06:43and I don't want her upset. Not now.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45If she walks in and sees you sitting there,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47she'll go through the feckin' roof.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Oh, shite.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55How are you, Maria?
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Don't feckin' wave!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Are you pregnant, Maria?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03No, Buster, it's a cyst!
0:07:03 > 0:07:04A cyst?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Yes, a cyst. A big lump of useless fatty tissue.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Ah yeah, my Ma had one of them.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Yes, she feckin' did!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Will you have a cuppa tea, love?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Oh, I'd love one... and a biscuit or something.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- And a biscuit.- Thanks, Mrs Brown.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Maria, I wish you'd stop calling me Mrs Brown. It's Agnes!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I'll have a biscuit, Agnes.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40It's Mrs Brown to you! And ask properly.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Sorry. May I have a biscuit please, Mrs Brown.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- That's better.- Thanks.- No!
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Are you not talking to me, Maria?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- Are you upset about the little incident at the Christmas party? - LITTLE incident?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57You stole my mother's handbag.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I made a mistake, that's all.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- What, you robbed it by accident? - Well, no, I didn't know it was hers.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10All right, listen, I'm off. Will you tell Dermo I called?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11- No.- No.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Well, I'll just call round and see him tomorrow so, see yis.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Maybe I was a little hard on him.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Do you think does he still steal?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Are you kidding me? Does the Pope shit in the woods?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Well, he would if there was a bear chasing him.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Thanks, Mrs Brown.- You're welcome. - DOORBELL RINGS
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Maria, get that door!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Granddad! Oh, Jesus Christ! OK. Plan B!
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Code red! Code red!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Hold on, Maria!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Go!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Hi, Mum!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Come in!
0:09:07 > 0:09:08So what are you doing here?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I just picked up the most beautiful mater...
0:09:14 > 0:09:15..nity dress!
0:09:15 > 0:09:19I just couldn't resist it. I wanted you to try it on.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Ah, thanks, Mum... I'll try it on now.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Mrs Brown, it's my mother!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Hello, Hillary, how are you?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Sore shoulder from the tennis. And you?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Oh, itchy crotch from the golf!
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Oh, well a new baby's so exciting, isn't it, Agnes?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Well, yes, it is but the excitement wears off after six.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I don't even think I went into hospital for the last one.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- I just dropped it.- Badump!
0:10:01 > 0:10:05"Oh, look there's a baby. Put it in the pram!"
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Great fashion eye, Mrs Nicholson. It looks well on her!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14It's lovely, Mum, thank you.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Cuppa tea, Maria?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Sure. Tea, Mum?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20No, thanks, I'm off. I'm playing golf in an hour.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Oh, watch out for the...
0:10:24 > 0:10:28OK, I'll see you tomorrow, I'll call over after work!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31You were right, Agnes, even my stuff didn't clean it!
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Ah, hello, Mrs Nicholson.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Hello, I'm just going. - Oh, here, Mrs Nicholson,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38how do YOU clean the dead flies off YOUR flapper?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43What?!
0:10:43 > 0:10:48I'll try bleach Agnes. I'll dip your flapper in bleach!
0:10:48 > 0:10:52BLEACH? I must be off...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55It's such an exciting time, childbirth!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Well, I've been excited six times!
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I only had Maria, but it was such a wonderful time.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- Jonathan was so generous. - That's nice.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07When he found out I was pregnant he bought me this diamond ring.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08That's nice!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10And then when I was five months pregnant
0:11:10 > 0:11:13he took me away for the weekend to Paris!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15That's France!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17That's nice.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20And THEN when Maria was born, he bought me a Mercedes Benz!
0:11:20 > 0:11:21That's nice.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23What did your husband buy for you?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25He got me elocution lessons!
0:11:25 > 0:11:29(LAUGHS) Didn't really work, did they?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Actually, they did!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I used to say "Fuck off"...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35but now I say, "That's nice."
0:11:41 > 0:11:46Yes, I understand. Yes, I'll tell her that.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I'll pass that on, goodbye.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Who was that?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55A Mr Rooney. Claims adjuster from Celtic Life Insurance.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- Oh. What did HE want?- He wants to interview you. He's coming today!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I sent them the death certificate. That's all that matters!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04And HE knows he's dead, don't you Granddad?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05What?
0:12:05 > 0:12:06You...dead!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Yeah... dead!
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Mammy, look, this is really serious. You're not going to get paid.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Granddad is NOT dead! - That's just a technicality!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17It says Cadbury's Chocolate on the side of buses
0:12:17 > 0:12:18and they don't sell it!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I promised the money to Maria and Dermot
0:12:23 > 0:12:25to get them started in a place of their own.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- Well, you'll have to unpromise them, then.- No.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Mammy, never mind the money, you could go to prison for fraud!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33You're being ridiculous now, son!
0:12:33 > 0:12:34I hope you're right!
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Hi, there!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Hello, Maria. How was work?
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Don't talk to me. I've never seen A&E so busy! Hiya, Trevor.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Any word about going back on the missions?- Nothing yet.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Now we don't need to be talking about that now.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Let's just thank God you're home.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- I'll make you a sandwich, Maria. - No, I'm grand.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- I've got some couscous. - Some what what?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Couscous. It's healthy.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Looks shit shit!
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Don't worry about anything for Dermot, I have a pesto pasta salad.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- I'm after cooking some Superquinn sausages! - No. The salad's better for him.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- He'll have the sausages! - Oh, no, he won't!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I think I know what my son likes!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Well, I think I know what's good for my husband!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I think I'll just go and say a few prayers.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Chicken bastard!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Maria, look, I know you're only new to being a wife,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34but I'm cooking for my children for years.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I know what Dermot likes. Let's just leave it at that!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40No, Mrs Brown, let's not leave it at that.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42What you fed your children in the past was dictated
0:13:42 > 0:13:45by budget and availability but times have changed.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49There's healthier options out there now than everything fried.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Dermot will have the salad!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Dermot will eat the sausages.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Hello, everybody!!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Hello, son. Come on, sit down in Mammy's chair.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Thanks, Mammy.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Hiya darling, I got you a lovely salad.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13Yeah! And once you've realised you're not a white rabbit,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15you can have some lovely Superquinn sausages!
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Right then, let's begin.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42You have six offspring?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Yes. Five boys and a child.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47And this is?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57That's Gretchen, our exchange student from Switzerland.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I see. And Granddad is dead?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02(SOBS) Why do you keep bringing it up?!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04When did Granddad die?
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- If he'd lived till next Friday, he'd be dead ten months.- And he died of?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- A Tuesday.- Right.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12What is this?
0:15:12 > 0:15:16It's a toe nail. It's all we have left of him.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Well, one of the problems we are having Mrs Brown is
0:15:18 > 0:15:21we can find no record of Granddad dying.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Well, I sent in the death certificate.- Oh, this!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Yes, well, although this IS the death certificate,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28it was never officially registered
0:15:28 > 0:15:31at the office of Births, Marriages And Deaths.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Well, that's not my fault.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37And actually, I put it to you, Mrs Brown,
0:15:37 > 0:15:42that this strange little girl is in fact Granddad!
0:15:42 > 0:15:46No, no that's Gretchen our exchange student from Switzerland!
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Hello, Mrs Brown!
0:15:47 > 0:15:48How are you, Granddad?!
0:15:53 > 0:15:57You feckin' ejit! Well, that's that! Fair enough.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- Thanks very much for dropping in. - No, hold on Mrs. Brown,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01That is NOT that.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04My company takes a very dim view of your actions.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06A false insurance claim is a criminal offence.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I have to caution you, you may be charged.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10How much?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Charged in a court of law, Mrs Brown.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14You could go to prison!
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Hold on there, pal. You can't talk to Mrs Brown like that!
0:16:20 > 0:16:23If you knew about this, you could be charged as an accessory.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25You could also go to prison.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Prison?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30It was her.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32See yas!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37(SOBS) Prison?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39EASTENDERS DRUM ROLL
0:16:46 > 0:16:49You could become some big, butch woman's bitch!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I beg your pardon, Sharon?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57In prison! You'll have to get a tattoo!
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Sharon!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Shut up, Sharon!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02You are not going to any prison, Agnes Brown.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Thanks you, Winnie.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07But I did check and the number 40 bus stops right outside,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10so I'll have no problem visiting.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- Well, thanks for the feckin' pep talk!- Will you stop, Winnie?!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Mammy, maybe you should get a solicitor.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I tried. I called Mr McGocchi of Hardy, Kunch and McGocchi.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Tom? Tom McGocchi?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Yes.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25What did he say?
0:17:25 > 0:17:26He's in prison.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I'm off to the toilet, who's coming?
0:17:31 > 0:17:32I'll go with you, Winnie.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Are you comin' Sharon?- No.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Maybe you should. With your complaint.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39What complaint?
0:17:39 > 0:17:40She's anorexic.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Anaemic!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Oh, that's better.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oh, Sharon, I'm sorry about the break-up.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54It's all right. Plenty more fish in the sea!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Hiya.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Speaking about prison, he's only out after 15 years.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- What did he do? - He murdered his wife.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05He's single!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Well, God help the feckin' fish in the sea!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Hello, son! Hello, Maria love. How are you?
0:18:15 > 0:18:20- I'm fine. I heard about the letter. How are you?- I'm OK.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Sharon.- How are you, Dermot?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Could we have a quiet word with me mammy?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Sure.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28QUIET!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33There you go, Dermot.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Sharon, family business. Feck off!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Mammy, we heard about the insurance letter.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48PSYCHO VIOLIN SCREECH
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I said PISS OFF!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07That sound goes through me feckin' head!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11We heard about the letter, Mrs Brown.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I wanted to help you's get a place of our own.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Don't worry about that, Mrs Brown.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17We will get a place and actually,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I think we'd prefer to get it ourselves.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Wouldn't we, Dermot?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Well, yeah, but if the money was there....- Dermot!
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Yeah, we would. So don't you be worrying about us, Mammy.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Let's just get this fraud thing sorted.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Anyway, with you going to prison there'll be a lot more room!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41It'll probably just blow over.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45I'm not sure, son. Celtic Insurance are a big company,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47and that man looked VERY serious!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Celtic Insurance?- Yes.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Hmm. They are big.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56Jaysus, all this just cos Granddad is still alive!
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Granddad!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I have some chocolate eclairs for you!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24No.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Come on, lovely chocolate eclairs. You know you love them!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Come on, follow me into chocolate eclair land!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Ooh, I'm going to chocolate eclair land!
0:20:35 > 0:20:40Granddad, look I mean it, real chocolate eclairs, look!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43No.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Who is that? I'm chocolate eclair.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I want somebody to eat me! Come on Granddad, eat me!
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Granddad, look, I mean it, real chocolate eclairs!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Look, smell, smell, smell! Mmm, Lovely!
0:20:56 > 0:21:00PHONE RINGS
0:21:13 > 0:21:16SPEAKS IN A STRAINED VOICE: Hello?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Hold on, Mick.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Cathy!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25SHE WHEEZES
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Cathy! Mick the dick is on the phone!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Hi Mick. Oh, great.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Yes, Mick. Where are you?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Ah, that's just around the corner!
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Cathy! Have you got a light?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48In me handbag, Mammy.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04No, don't get a coffee.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I'll meet you. You can come here for a cup of tea.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Ah, for feck's sake!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Listen, I'm just slipping out to meet Mick.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16- I'll be back in a few minutes, all right?- I said I'd...
0:22:16 > 0:22:20I said... I'd go down the shops with Winnie. KNOCK ON DOOR
0:22:20 > 0:22:22It's open, Winnie!
0:22:24 > 0:22:28How are ye, Cathy? How's it going with Mick the dick?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I wish you'd all mind your own business!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Jaysus, she's in bad form.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36She mustn't be getting it.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Maybe he hasn't shown her his truncheon!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Here, are we going to the shops? - Let me finish me tea...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Here. Look.
0:22:47 > 0:22:53- Jaysus, where did you get them? - Cathy's handbag. They fell out!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Why Jesus, Winnie, how times change.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57So many different feckin' kinds nowadays.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01I remember when there was only Wrigley's or Juicy Fruit!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I don't think they're chewing gum, Agnes!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- They're French Letters.- Jaysus!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16What's she doing, wearing them?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19They're not for her, they're for him.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20That's the thing nowadays.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Girls do buy them, keep them handy. Sensible I say.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- I've never used one, Winnie. - No?- No.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32Redser wouldn't, he said it'd be like having a bath with his socks on.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36I'd have been happy if he just had the feckin' bath!
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Oh, look at that Winnie. Ah-choo!
0:23:42 > 0:23:46That's disgusting Agnes!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Here, look, what do you think of this?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I see he's a large!
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Next patient please!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Oh, Winnie, I remember one night,
0:24:02 > 0:24:06me and Redser walking along the beach in Portmarnock.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08He started chasing me into the sand dunes.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11So I was there pretending to run.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14And he caught me and he threw me on the sand.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17So I was lying there and I said, "What do you want?"
0:24:18 > 0:24:23And he said, "I want your knickers around your ankles!"
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I had to get them out of me feckin' handbag and put them on!
0:24:36 > 0:24:41Then he starts to... And I go, "Will ya stop it?"
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- Why? - He was flicking sand up me arse!
0:24:45 > 0:24:51There was a sandcastle there when I was finished!
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- Those were the days! - Those were the feckin' days!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Winnie, imagine looking at a man's willy wrapped in one of them.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03It'd look like a little bank robber.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06With one eye!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Gimme the fuckin' money!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Look who's here for a cup of tea!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23We have to go down the shops.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Don't be so rude, Mammy!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Gimme a second to introduce Winnie. - She's already met him!
0:25:28 > 0:25:33Not properly. Mick, this is my mother's friend Winnie McGoogan.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Hello, Mrs McGoogan.- Hello, son!
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Hello again, Mrs Brown.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00That's a condom on your hand!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Well, you can't be too careful with some of the wankers you meet nowadays!
0:26:07 > 0:26:11All right, Granddad, your bath is ready.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Now, you get into that bath and soak in the bubbles
0:26:15 > 0:26:19and just lie back and relax and let the whole world drift away!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Here, take that with you, I'll be up in a minute.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Morning Granddad. I'll look after this!
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Mammy, what are you at?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I was only joking!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Shit! Shit! Shit!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41One for you from the insurance company.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44And one for me, from the Bishop's office!
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- What's that Trevor? - A letter from the Bishop.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- They've nothing for me, I'll be here at least another ten days.- Great!
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- Well, you know what I mean, Trevor. - Well, go ahead Mammy. Read it.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57You read it, son.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Dear Mrs Brown, it is the conclusion of this company
0:27:03 > 0:27:07that the insurance claim on the death of Mr Brown is without foundation.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- Oh, Jesus!- No, wait, Mammy.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12However, I've been instructed by my supervisor,
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Mr James Nicholson, to take no further action.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Yes! Yippee! Yes!
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Trevor, get the piranha out of Granddad's bath!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- What?- I'm joking!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25But go up and check that he's OK.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- That's fantastic, Mrs Brown. - Isn't it?
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Maria, his supervisor's name is Mr Nicholson.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37- Your name is Nicholson! - So it is.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Isn't that a coincidence? I'll make you a cup of tea, Mrs Brown.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I knew those bastards wouldn't take me on!
0:27:45 > 0:27:49- It's lovely to have Granddad back from the dead. - Mrs Brown, would you like a biscuit?
0:27:49 > 0:27:56No, thanks love. I'll have a cracker with some couscous.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57What?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02People change! Good n...
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Maria, don't open the feckin' fridge!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08LARGE EXPLOSION