0:00:00 > 0:00:02This programme contains adult humour
0:00:02 > 0:00:04and some strong language
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# That's Mrs Brown
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello! Well, it's all baby fever today.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- What?- Not you. Shut up!
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Dermot and Maria - they're going for their first prenatal classes.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41- Pre what?- Nothing! Shut up! Here! Do your jigsaw.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47It's a chicken.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Where was I? Oh, yes - prenatal classes!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54No prenatal classes in MY day. You must be joking!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58If I asked the doctor, was there anything I needed to know before the birth?
0:00:58 > 0:01:03He'd tell me where to get the bus to the maternity hospital.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- Good morning, Mammy!- Good morning, Cathy. How are you, love?- Fine.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12I'm sorry the boyfriend turned out to be married. It must be upsetting.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Not at all, Mammy. I'm over that.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- Good.- You have to expect that from men. They're just lying bastards.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22It's no wonder there's so much strife in the world - it's run by men.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26How could anything good be done, when it's a group of men that sit in a conference,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29pretending to listen, when all they're doing
0:01:29 > 0:01:33is trying to think of what THEY will say next, so they can sound clever.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36And even then it'll be a lie. They'd make you sick, men - and I mean sick!
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Vomit inducing, vermin, rat bastards, every single one of them!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Well, as long as you're over it.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Oh, I AM over it, Mammy.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I'm never having anything to do with men again!
0:01:54 > 0:01:55How are you, Cathy?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Bastards!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- Love YOU! ..What did I do on Cathy? - Same as you did
0:02:01 > 0:02:03on the rest of the world. You were born.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Hey, Grandad, what are you at?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- He's doing his jigsaw. - Ah, I'm great at jigsaws!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, work away, son!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16It's a chicken!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Morning, Mrs Brown.- Ah, Maria. I packed all your books into the bag,
0:02:19 > 0:02:23and I put one of Cathy's notebooks in, in case you need to take notes.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Thanks very much, Mrs Brown. Gosh, I'm a bit nervous.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Now, there's nothing to be nervous about.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Not yet.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- Busy house this morning! - We're going to our prenatal classes!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Ah, lovely! What language is that?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- No, Winnie, it's a class... - Maria, no, don't bother. Just go, just go!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Come on, Grandad, let's get ready for your day trip. The bus will be here any minute.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51You're going to have a lovely day -
0:02:51 > 0:02:5214 times around the block.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- Is Dermot gone?- Yes.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57He said he wanted to talk to me!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- You were stuck into your jigsaw! - Dermo... Dermo!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Are they gone?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13You just missed them.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- Ah, I wanted to wish them luck at their prenatal classes.- Too late!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21They're so lucky. I'd love a baby!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27You wouldn't love a baby if you had to feckin' have it!
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Ah, you soon forget the pain once you see that baby.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You speak for yourself, Winnie! I'll never feckin' forget!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Jesus, Dermot Brown was 13 pounds 7 ounces!
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I still wake him up during the night! "You tore the arse out of me!"
0:03:46 > 0:03:49My Sharon was only five pounds!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Well, you can't expect to catch a shark with a worm!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Jesus, Winnie, you should have seen me on my first!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I was lying there, Redser was holding me hand.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03SHE GROANS AND YELLS
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I looked at him. "Ya baldy bastard!"
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- And that was only the conception! - THEY LAUGH
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Agnes Brown, what would I do without you to make me laugh?!
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Oh, you'd manage.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22You have a feckin' mirror, haven't you?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31BABY CRIES
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Ssssh! Sssssssh!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Sssssh!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39What the hell is going on?!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I'm sorry, Mrs Brown, did the baby wake you?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Baby?!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Have I been in a feckin' coma?!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50You were only seven months pregnant this morning!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52What did they do at the prenatal classes -
0:04:52 > 0:04:54use a feckin' plunger?!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58It's an experimental robot baby.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03Show me. Oh, look! Hello! Coochy-coo!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Mrs Brown, it's a robot.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- IN ROBOTIC VOICE: - Me-ni-me-ni-me-ni-me!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Where did you get that? - At the prenatal classes.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15They were handing these practice robot babies out to volunteers.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19It's to give you a feel of what it's like to have a baby in the house.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24- I- could have told you that! If they cry, you cuddle them. If they're hungry, you feed them.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26If they shit themselves, you wipe their arse.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29And that goes on for 30 years!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31LOUD BANGING
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- GRANDAD:- What's going on?!
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Make that 90 years.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39- Nothing! Go back to sleep, Grandad! - I can't sleep with the noise that dog's making.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Then, put him out of the bed!
0:05:43 > 0:05:47It cried like this at my mother's tonight. It just wouldn't stop.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49SHE couldn't even get it to stop!
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Well, give it to me, let me have a look. See if I can help. Come on.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Ssh! Now, now, now! Come on, come on, come on, come on.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Ssh, ssh, sssh! Come on! Ssh!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00BABY STOPS CRYING
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Mrs Brown, you have the touch!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06When you have a litter of your own, you have to learn SOMETHING.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Is that the basket?
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- Yes.- I'll put him down, you go on to bed.- But then, I don't learn anything, do I?
0:06:12 > 0:06:18You learn what it's like to have a granny in the house. Go on, go get some sleep.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Thank you.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Now, come on.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28SHE LAUGHS QUIETLY
0:06:29 > 0:06:31So YOU'RE going to teach Maria, are you?
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Will you teach her that every baby is different?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Will you teach her how important it is to be a wife AND a mother,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43and not treat either one as more important?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I don't think so.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I know some things.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I'll tell you what I DON'T know.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58I don't know how I'm going to get these fuckin' batteries back into you!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Make that two, Mr Foley.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09- How are you? Sorry I missed you yesterday. So, what's the story? - I need to find somewhere to live.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12It's getting close to the baby coming, and we can't stay in me ma's.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Thanks, Mr Foley.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I know where there's a place. It's a bit small, only two bedrooms.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- That's all we need.- And has a little front garden.- Lovely!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- And the rent's only 50 euros a month.- Brilliant!
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- The only thing is, you'll have Chinese people living each side of you.- I don't care. Where is it?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Beijing!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Shut up, Buster!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- She was the posh one in the family. - Yeah?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Came to stay with us for a while. I could hear her next door, with her husband.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42"I'm arriving, I'm arriving!"
0:07:45 > 0:07:51You know what, Agnes? I could swear I could hear a baby crying in the middle of the night.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Has someone on our street got a new one?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- No, Dermot and Maria got a robot one to practise on.- A robot baby?!- Mmm.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Jesus! When I was pregnant, they gave me a cabbage to practise on!
0:08:01 > 0:08:05And then you had Sharon - the real thing!
0:08:07 > 0:08:12Agnes, what did your Redser say when you told him you were pregnant on your first?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14He said, "We'd better get married, so!"
0:08:14 > 0:08:17That's nice!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19We were standing outside Kapiniski's Jewellers.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23There was a sign in the window said, "Come in and pick your ring."
0:08:25 > 0:08:30- Where is it?- I didn't get one.- No?- I told him I wanted a bicycle instead!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- A bike?!- Yeah. There was something about a bicycle at the time
0:08:33 > 0:08:35that felt like freedom.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Something about a ring that felt like handcuffs.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42I don't know. I was worth it, to get Mark. He's an angel!
0:08:42 > 0:08:47I remember when Sharon was born. Jacko kept staring at her.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Little red face...
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Full of wrinkles, snots and dribbles everywhere.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Aw! What about the baby?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58I KNEW you were going to say that!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Winnie, everybody feckin' knew I was going to say that!
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Mammy, this is Professor Thomas Clowne, my course lecturer.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11How do you do, Mrs Brown? I've heard so much about you!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Winnie McGoogan - Jacko's wife!
0:09:13 > 0:09:18- And Jacko is?- Sick. Very sick. - Yeah, not well at all. He's still in hospital.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19- I'm sorry?- Can we join you?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- If you're buying a drink. - Oh yes, of course.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- A pint of cider and a glass of... - Gin and tonic!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27It's free!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30A gin and tonic for Lady Muck!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Ice and lemon as usual?
0:09:34 > 0:09:39- So is THIS one married? - Mammy, it's not like that. He's my lecturer, my mentor!
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Jacko had a mentor.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Then he got rid of it and got a Cortina.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Does he take ALL his students out for a drink after classes?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- No.- I didn't think so.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Mentor, my arse. He just wants to try his bow on your fiddle.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Mammy, it's not like that.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Thanks, pet.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06So, how are we all then, eh?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Agnes was just talkin' about you havin' it off with Cathy.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Sorry. I'll get some ice.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- Winnie is a bit drunk. - I'm sure you are wondering what I'm doing here with Cathy.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21No. She's a big girl, it's her life.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- You know she's just been dumped - you know that?- Mammy!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Actually, I asked Cathy to bring me here to meet YOU.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- To meet me? For what? - Thomas is writing a book.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Thomas? What happened to "Professor"?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I like my students to let their hair down.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I like my daughter to keep her knickers up!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Mammy, for God's sake!
0:10:45 > 0:10:51She doesn't mean that. Well, I mean, she does - I do like to keep them up.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Oh, for God's sake! I knew this was a bad idea!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- So, son, you're writing a book?- Yes.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- He's writing a book.- Well done, son.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03It's called The Place of Woman in Modern Society.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Sounds shite.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Needs a better title - like Roots.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- Mammy, it's not that kind of book. - It's a look at how women have changed over the years.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Jeez, you're right there. Look at the way Nellie Flanagan is after changing!
0:11:20 > 0:11:23My God, when she was a young girl, she'd boobies out to here!
0:11:23 > 0:11:25She's 69 now, they're down to here.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31She has to pull down her knickers now to scratch her nipples!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I warned you!
0:11:34 > 0:11:40No, Mrs Brown, it's about how women have changed over generations within society.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I wouldn't know anything about that.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Well, actually, Mrs Brown, I believe you know more than you think.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I'd love to study you.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Would she have to strip?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Sorry.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58- No, son, that's not the kind of thing I'm...- Mammy?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Can I sleep on it? Is that all right?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Fantastic. Please do.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05We were just talking about Maria - getting close to the birth.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Oh, she'll be glad when it's all over!
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Yeah!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12You know, Dr Freud said that pregnancy and giving birth
0:12:12 > 0:12:14are the two times when a woman is truly content.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19Dr Freud should shite a bowling ball and tell us how fuckin' content he feels!
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Jacko loves bowling.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Morning, Mrs Brown.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Morning, Maria! How are you, love?
0:12:34 > 0:12:35I don't know how you do it,
0:12:35 > 0:12:40but that robot baby slept right through the night again last night!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43You're amazing! It's still asleep!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- You giving it back today? - No - this evening.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Dermot's off work today so it's his turn to mind the baby.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50That'll be interesting!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Well I'll be here all day, so you needn't worry.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Don't you go doing too much, he has to learn, too!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Oh, you must have heard the feckin' kettle boiling!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Well, as you're pouring.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03How are you, Maria?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Morning, Mrs McGoogan. How's Sharon?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09She's grand. She's trying to lose a few pounds for her holidays.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Oh, God that's not easy for her she has an over active er.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Thyroid? - Knife and fork!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19I didn't hear your robot baby last night Maria,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21bet you're getting the hang of it.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Well, I can't take all the credit. Mrs Brown has been wonderful!
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Oh!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30When you think of it Agnes I was just as well they gave me
0:13:30 > 0:13:31a cabbage to practice on.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I mean, what could you learn from a robot baby?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Lots of stuff. Like how to feed it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Jesus! I wouldn't let anything near my boobies that had batteries!!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Well then. how to treat minor ailments
0:13:46 > 0:13:47like nappy rash!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Spit on a dock leaf and put it on it.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52No, that's nettle sting.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- It is not. - It IS. It's nettle sting!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Oh, I used it for nappy rash.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Can't you just see Sharon running around the playground with
0:14:01 > 0:14:03her arse like a Caesar salad!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08So what else do you use dock leaves for?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Telling the weather. - The weather?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Tie them in a bunch, hang them in your garden and every day
0:14:13 > 0:14:17go out and feel them. If they're wet - it's raining.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21I'm going to try that. I'm gonna do it right now.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Good girl! If you can't get dock leaves you get the same result with lettuce.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Lettuce...thanks, Agnes!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Mrs Brown, you're terrible!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Ah, it'll keep her feckin' busy!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Right, then. Oh, and before I forget -
0:14:36 > 0:14:39the IT man will be here this afternoon to check on the robot baby.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Will you make sure Dermot's here for that?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- I will. And don't you be worrying! - I'd better get moving. see ya!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46See ya, love!
0:14:46 > 0:14:50See you later, love. Are you sure you'll be all right?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I'll be grand. Fine.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55It's still asleep.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59- Amazing! I hope we're as lucky with the real thing!- I doubt it!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- You never know son, you might be! - Nah, Mammy.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05You won't be able to take the batteries out of the real thing!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Where are they?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- Here.- Mammy, you can't cheat at this.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16The IT fella's coming today and he plugs the baby into a computer
0:15:16 > 0:15:20and the computer can tell everything, if it was fed, when it was changed.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Jesus Christ!
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Don't worry, I'll just say they slipped out when I was changing it, or something.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27BABY WHIRS
0:15:30 > 0:15:33It's just re-booting - it'll take a few minutes!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- Do you want a cup of tea? - Yeah. While we can!
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Grandad! Grandad! There's tea down here!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Must be strange having a baby in the house again!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49No. It never leaves you.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54- I still wake up some nights thinking I can hear one of you's crying.- Did I cry a lot?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I can't remember, son.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58You remember different things about each of yous.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02I remember Mark was born with a big head of curly black hair.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05And Rory, Rory was the easiest birth
0:16:05 > 0:16:07and Rory was so cute so feckin' cute!
0:16:07 > 0:16:11And me was I curly? Was I cute?
0:16:11 > 0:16:12No, son.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15You were forceps, by the time I got to you,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17your face was like an aardvark's arse.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23And you weren't curly, you had hair from head to toe!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I think the nurses thought I was after feckin' knitting you.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31But you had those eyes.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Blue, blue eyes.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Oh, full of mischief, but beautiful.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37BABY CRIES
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- There's that baby. - It must be re-booting itself.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- It's usually louder than that. - I'll get it.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Grandad! What are you feckin' sitting' on?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Am I pregnant?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08That leg is crooked.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Don't worry about it, he'll grow out of it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Mammy the IT man'll be here in ten minutes, that glue won't set.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16You just go and get ready. Leave this to me!
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Wait a minute! I've a feckin' idea!
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- Thank you for the lift home, Thomas. - Pleasure!
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Smoked trout.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36It'll be dry in no time!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Is she here? - I don't know, Thomas.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41You see, she said she'd sleep on it.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Mammy! The professor is here.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Oh, shit!
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Sit down, Thomas.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- Hello. What do you want?- I was just wondering, did you sleep on it?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57No, Grandad sat on it. It was nothing to do with me!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I swear I never touched it!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- What?- What?- What?- What?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Wait. What was your what for? - My what?- Yes!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Professor Clowne wants to know did you make up your mind about his book?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Wait, the what?- What? - What was your what?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10- I didn't what.- You did.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Your what was after my what before you asked Cathy what her what was for.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16What? I haven't feckin' time for this!
0:18:16 > 0:18:17I've something in the oven.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Sit down, Thomas.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Thanks very much for calling, do call again.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Mammy!- What?- Thomas knows you're busy.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Sit down, Thomas. He just wants to tell you what might be involved.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Fine.- There'll be a question and answer session.- That's nice.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- And then one or two tests. - That's nice.- Mammy!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46That's nice!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Hiya love!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Maria, what are you doing here?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I live here. Well, for now anyway!
0:18:54 > 0:18:55I know, but you're early!
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Yeah. When I told the ward nurse what was happening today
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- she let me go early!- Will someone tell me what is happening?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I'm sorry. Maria, this is my lecturer Professor Clowne!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07He's here to interview Mammy, about motherhood, funny enough.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Well you are talking to the right woman, Professor.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Mrs Brown is an amazing mother!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I have never seen anyone better with babies.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Don't build her up too much.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25DOOR BELL RINGS
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Maria, get that!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30What's happening?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Nearly there, nearly there!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37This is Mr Donnellan, the IT Man from the pre-natal classes.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Hello.- Hello. - Where's the baby?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41In the kitchen with Mammy.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Do you want to do it in the kitchen?
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Here's fine.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Dermot, get the baby.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Get the baby?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Yes. The baby, get it!
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Mammy, they want the baby.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Coming, coming!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00It's coming!
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Now, there we go!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14He has a bit of a temperature...
0:20:17 > 0:20:20..and a headache.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Maria, I'm really, really sorry.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Will you stop apologising, Mrs Brown? It was an accident.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- You were trying to fix it, that's all.- Exactly.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I know you wouldn't put a real child in the oven.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Not by accident.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- You're taking it very well. - Do you think so?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Yes. - Just happy, I suppose.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Good. Thanks for coming to the bingo with me. I do love the company.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Ah, I had a great time.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Here, did you see that one sitting in front of us?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Ah, you couldn't miss her. Big bushy red hair, buck teeth.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Looks like she could eat an apple
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- through a feckin' tennis racket. - What about her?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- She wins something EVERY Wednesday. Every feckin' Wednesday!- Does she?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Mm!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Winnie says she rides a motorbike.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I don't think that's all she's riding.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- You still a bit crampy, love? - Yeah.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It wouldn't be labour, would it, Mrs Brown?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Labour? Jesus, no! What are you now, 32 weeks?
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Yeah.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32No, baby might come early but not eight weeks early.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35No, it's just wind. And when it goes, you'll know about it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I let one go when I was pregnant.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Me tights went up like a feckin' balloon!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I'm looking forward to having a baby around the house.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Babies.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49You what?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- I have to have a scan on Wednesday. - Another scan? For what?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Dr Gibney thinks that it might be twins.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Feckin' twins?!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- Shh!- Shh!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Please, Mrs Brown!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Zip, zip!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I haven't told anyone yet and I don't want to until I'm sure.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05You've told no-one?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07No. Except you.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Well, in fairness, I think we should tell Dermot.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16You're right, I will.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21I know so little about having babies, or rearing them.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23We're all the same on our first, love.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26You find out about having them quick enough.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29And as for rearing' them, I'm still feckin' learning.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33SHE LAUGHS
0:22:33 > 0:22:35What are you giggling at?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I'm just thinking about the innocence of it all.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39What are we like? See me on my first?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I went to the doctor for me first visit.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46He told me to bring a sample with me.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I brought a feckin' milk bottle full!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I'm sure the poor man thought there was a horse outside
0:22:53 > 0:22:55waiting to see him.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58He told me to take the sample mid stream.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01If you'd seen me in the wellies
0:23:01 > 0:23:04in the middle of that feckin' stream?!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07And all the fishermen were just staring at me.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I just went, "Don't mind me, I'm pregnant!"
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Oh, my God!
0:23:16 > 0:23:20So the doctor finishes his examination and I put me clothes on
0:23:20 > 0:23:23and he says "Now, Mrs Brown. Have you any questions?"
0:23:23 > 0:23:25"Yes," I said. "I have."
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Says I, "What position will I be in having this?"
0:23:28 > 0:23:31And he said,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"The same position as you were when you conceived it!"
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Oh, for two weeks I thought I was going to have to stick me legs
0:23:37 > 0:23:39out the feckin' car window again!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Beep, beep!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Mind your horn, you!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53THEY GIGGLE
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Someone's having a good night.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Just girl talk.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00That's all, just girl talk.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02MRS BROWN CHUCKLES
0:24:02 > 0:24:05We were just talking about your father's driving test.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09He failed, he failed!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Oh, don't feckin' start me off!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16SHE CACKLES
0:24:22 > 0:24:24SHE LAUGHS
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Oh, Jeez! I'm after wetting meself!
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Oh!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Oh, God! Look!
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Stop it, stop it. I think I'll make a drop of tea.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Give you's a minute on your own.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Hee-hee-hee!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Dermot, Maria has something she wants to tell you.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55A bit of news?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57As the hurricane said to the palm tree,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00"Hang on to your nuts, baby. This ain't no ordinary blow job!"
0:25:03 > 0:25:05And here, you.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Son, you mind her.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Why?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Just feckin' mind her!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I'll get you one of them for Christmas!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16SHE GIGGLES
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Well, I have to have another scan.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Not a problem. I'll get some time off work.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Let her feckin' finish!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30OK, sorry.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34It's just... Well, Dr Gibney thinks it might be twins.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Jesus! Twins!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Two babies!
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Usually, yes(!)
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- Twins! - Yeah, I know.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Batman and Robin!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50We're not going to call them that, are we?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Of course not.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Dermot, I love you.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02More pre-natal classes tomorrow.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Yeah!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Are you nervous? - Not really.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Are you?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09A bit.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13It's all starting to become a little bit real.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Oh!
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I can feel a heel sticking out.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22That's a bingo pen.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Oh. Must be a girl, so!
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Oh, and Dermot?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34I don't want anybody else to know, OK? Not until I'm sure.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37OK, sure.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40CHEERING
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Mammy told us!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45How do you do that?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47SHE GIGGLES
0:26:47 > 0:26:49TOILET FLUSHING
0:26:49 > 0:26:51What's going on?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Twins!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Nah, but it felt like it.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57ALL: Twins!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06So there you have it.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09That's life with children. Sometimes you wish you had more
0:27:09 > 0:27:12and sometimes you wish you'd kept your knees together.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18You know, somebody said it takes a village to rear a child.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20I don't know about that,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22but I do know it takes a family.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23GROANING
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Shut up, Grandad! You're not pregnant!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I mean, take Grandad for instance.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I don't know how I would've coped without him,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35in the early days when the children were younger.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Two, three times a week, he'd call over and take them for a walk.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41And children don't forget that, never.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48To this day, all my children love a walk to the bookie shop.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Come on, Grandad.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Let's get you up to your bath and your bed.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Come on. Don't forget to brush your teeth.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59They're in your pocket.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01SHE GIGGLES
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Good night!
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:37 > 0:28:40E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk