0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour
0:00:10 > 0:00:11SHE LAUGHS
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- # She's Mrs Brown - Agnes
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- # That's Mrs Brown - Agnes
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# Our Mrs Brown. #
0:00:26 > 0:00:30"For sale, set of encyclopedias.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34"No longer needed as I married a man who knows every feckin' thing."
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Hello, Winnie! Cup of tea?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42No, I'm grand, love.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- What's wrong with you? - It's Sharon. She's depressed.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48With all the boyfriends she has, she has no date for Valentine's Day.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Ah.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53They're probably all going out with their wives!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Agnes, what do you do when you're blue?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I start breathing again.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Are you sure you don't want a cuppa?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04No. I'm heading down the shops to get a Valentine's Day card.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05For who?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07For Jacko, of course!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Do you want anything while I'm down there?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12No, Valentine's Day, my arse!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Redser asked me one year what I'd like getting for Valentine's Day.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I said, "Get me something with diamonds".
0:01:17 > 0:01:20And he got me a deck of fuckin' cards!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Winnie.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Hello, Betty. To what do we owe the honour?
0:01:27 > 0:01:31- Just a quick visit. - I thought so, that's why you didn't wash your hair.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35- Cathy was trying to get a book for me. Is she about?- She's inside.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Any word from the Australian embassy about their emigration?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40No, apparently it takes a while.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Course it does. Sure it's on the other side of the world.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Winnie, are you not a bit old for this Valentine malarkey?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You're never too old for romance, Agnes.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I get the card every year.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59And on the night, I wear kinky underwear.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Well, that's me off me fuckin' dinner!
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Which reminds me,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11I must get that underwear back from me cousin.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Your cousin's a priest!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Don't get me started!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- Who was that?- Winnie.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25She's gone down the shops to get a Valentine before Sharon
0:02:25 > 0:02:26buys them all up.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I'll get you a cup of tea, love.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Oh, Jesus!- You a bit stiff?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- I'm a bit old. - Missed the gym again?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Yes, that's ten years in a row.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- What's the book, Betty? - It's The ABC Of Sex.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41A, B AND C?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Three positions?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Bono's getting to the age where he's starting to ask questions,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49so I want to be ready.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51There was no book to tell me what to do in my day.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Well, it's all changed since your day.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Yes, it has, Mammy.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56If you were going on a first date nowadays,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59a man would expect you to perform fellatio.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Me? Sing opera?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11He'd have a better chance of getting a blowjob!
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Right, I'm off.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I'll drop this book back to you at the weekend, Cathy.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19No problem.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Mammy, have you thought about losing a few pounds?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You are...plumping up a bit.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35You should enter that competition in the newspaper. What's it called?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Oh, the mind your own fuckin' business competition!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I think you'd do very well in that.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43All I'm saying is fat is not good for ya.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45This is not fat, Cathy.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49This is from all the years of carrying this family on my back.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51This is mother's muscle.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Oh, I see.- Yes.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Oh, when I married your father, the two of us were as skinny as sticks.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59It was a wonder we didn't start a fire when we went at it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04TMI.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Teemy what?- Too much information.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08KYBCTY.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11No, don't get it.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Keep your buckin' comments to yourself!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18You never wear that lavender dress any more
0:04:18 > 0:04:20and it used to be your favourite.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Lavender... I don't remember.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Yes, you do. It's up in your wardrobe
0:04:25 > 0:04:27and you don't wear it cos it doesn't fit ya any more.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- It shrunk in the wash. - No, it didn't!- It did, too!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34All I'll say is, take that dress out and take a good look at it
0:04:34 > 0:04:37and remember how good you used to look in it.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I'll see ya later.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43You mightn't recognise me, after I've finished me exercises.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- Really?- Yes.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58That's enough of that!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Tried on that lavender dress today.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- And?- I got the zip halfway up.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10It was like a straight jacket on me.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11I was right, it shrunk.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It didn't shrink.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Look, all you have to do is even take a walk every day.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Say, two miles.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Two feckin' miles?!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Yes! You can do it.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Just walk two miles every day and in a month I bet you'll be in...
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Kildare.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33..great shape.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Thanks, Sharon.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Sharon, I believe you've no date for Valentine's.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Nah, but I'll be all right.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41That's the girl, be confident!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I am. Watch this...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Heyare!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Whoever can guess what's in this bag can have sex with me
0:05:48 > 0:05:49on Valentine's night.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50A giraffe!
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Close enough.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Hello, Winnie.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02You just missed Sharon getting a date for Valentine's night.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Oh, I'm glad. Who is it?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- That skinny little fellow over there.- Oh, right.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10You'd better tie a plank across his arse or we'll never see him again.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11- Mammy!- Sorry.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Here, Winnie, the jackpot at the bingo's going to be 2,000 euro on the 14th.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- We'll have a good night that night. - On the 14th, Agnes?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- Yeah.- I can't go with ya on the 14th.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26That's Valentine's night and Jacko's taking me out.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Excuse me.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29You'll have to go on your own, pet.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Jacko's taking me into town for tea and biscuits.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34For feck's sake!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I'm so looking forward to it.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I've never given blood before.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Just as well it's not a four-course meal.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Might have cost you a fuckin' kidney.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Valentine's Day, it's making me laugh. Even Grandad has a date.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01That's it, Mammy. That's the goal you need.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I need a goal? Now who am I, David Beckham?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07You should have a date for Valentine's night.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11And your goal would be to fit into that lavender dress by then.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12That's a great idea, Cathy.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16It's all right for you, Winnie, you have man. Even if he's in and out of hospital all the time.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Where would I get a feckin' date?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Off the internet.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Jesus, no, Cathy. With my luck I'd end up with a buckin' virus.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31My cousin got a thing off the internet
0:07:31 > 0:07:33and the legs were all bandy.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36She got a date with someone with bandy legs?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38No, it was a coffee table!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I'll arrange it and all.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I'll just put your photo on the net and we'll see what happens.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47If you get any offers, you can pick the one you want to go out with.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50You might get a man like Jacko off the internet!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52SHE LAUGHS
0:07:52 > 0:07:55You wouldn't get a man like Jacko with a fuckin' fishing net.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I think it's a great idea - Mrs Brown going on a date.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Well, I don't.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05We're talking about our mammy here.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Mammy...on a date?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10No way, Cathy, Mammy can't go on a date.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12It's...not normal.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17MRS BROWN SNIGGERS
0:08:17 > 0:08:20You could do with clipping your shaft.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Oh, Winnie, I see you've found Betty's book.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30It's amazing what you can do with a bicycle pump and a Kit Kat.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35There's a man in here holding a woman like a wheelbarrow.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Go on a couple of pages,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41there's a woman holding a man like a one-armed bandit!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46And she's going for the buckin' jackpot!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Can you imagine me doing that feckin wheelbarrow thing with Redser?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00"Slow down, slow down! Take a left at the next lights!"
0:09:02 > 0:09:05"Oh, Jesus, don't go past me mother's!"
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- It's just not right. - And why not?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Because...she can't!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Mammies don't go on dates.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16They... They play bingo.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Well, excuse me, Dermot,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22but Mammy is a person and a woman and a woman has needs.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Well, excuse me, the whole lot of you.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Now, Cathy, I haven't decided one way or the other yet,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29so there's nothing definite.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32And you, son, if I do decide to go on a date,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I wont be waiting on your permission.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Even Grandad has a date.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40That's Mammy's fault. She's given him Viagra.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44You're giving Grandad Viagra, Mammy?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- Yes.- Why would you do that?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Buster said it would stop him pissing on his slippers.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Did it work?- Kind of.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57His slippers are dry.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02He's pissing on the buckin' ceiling now!
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Grandad, what did I say about these tablets? And I meant it!
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Cut down on these now.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00I went in to call you in your room this morning, your bed was like a fuckin' tent!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I mean it! Cut down!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Or I'm make you mop that ceiling yourself.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Wait a minute.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I could have a go at this computer thing myself.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I'm sure I could do just as good as Cathy on the dating.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Power on.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33"Press any key to continue."
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Any key...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44There's no fuckin' "any key" on it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Try that one.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52SHE LAUGHS
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Search. Yes, please.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Search... What... Search for what?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01"Woman...
0:12:02 > 0:12:03"..needs...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06"..man."
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Oh, no...that's fuckin' Wogan!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14No.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17"Wo-man...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19"needs...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21"man."
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Search.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Ya dirty bastards!
0:12:43 > 0:12:44"Lady..."
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"Lady...
0:12:49 > 0:12:55"..looking for love."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Search.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Jackpot!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Jesus, they're gorgeous!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Now, you see, I'd go out with any of them.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Now what's the name of that?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Hiya, Grandad. - Cathy, is that you?
0:13:16 > 0:13:21- Yes, Mammy.- Come into the kitchen, quick. I think I hit the jackpot!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I got on your top top tap top...
0:13:25 > 0:13:26I got on the Google...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30..and I Googled...
0:13:30 > 0:13:32and I think I found a perfect site!
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Oh, there's loads of gorgeous men on there, Cathy. I'd go out with any of them.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Oh, fantastic. Right, what's it called?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42It's called Dial a Dick.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Mammy...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56they're gigolos!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59What? There's nothing wrong with Spanish men!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05You pay these men and they come out and have sex with you.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10That's disgusting!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Jesus.... that's immoral.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14It's wrong, it's just complet...
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick!
0:14:18 > 0:14:20How much do you pay them?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Here, Agnes, how come you never got another man?- I don't know.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34- I know, you got married for better or for worse.- Yeah, that's it yeah.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38He couldn't do any better and I could do any fuckin' worse.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Hello, ladies. Is Cathy or Maria here?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- They're up at the bar talking to Sharon.- Oh, I see them. - How's Bono, love?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Don't talk to me, Mrs Brown. He has me heart broken.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52The sex education this week, he's asking me question after question.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I don't know what to be telling him.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Tell him the truth - he was found under a heavy cabbage!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02You see, Buster, love is a strange thing.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- You have to be careful. - I know what you mean.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Sometimes you need to use two bags
0:15:06 > 0:15:08in case the one off of her head falls off.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I mean you have to be careful about where you place your love.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Oh, I know where to place it, all right!
0:15:20 > 0:15:21I have one rule.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Never date a good-looking girl, in case she leaves ya.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25But an ugly girl could leave you, too.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I know, but who cares?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I'm going to the gents.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Me too.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- All right, love?- Yeah.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38All right, Cathy? You fancy going for a drink sometime?
0:15:38 > 0:15:42I'd rather stick cocktail sticks in me eyes.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43I'll take that as a maybe.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Any luck on the internet, Agnes?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Cathy narrowed it down to three.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Indigo55, Rayband61...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59but the one she picked is HairyHarry66.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03He's coming over to our house on Valentine's night for dinner.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Well, Hairy Harry sounds interesting.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Hairy Harry sounds fuckin' hairy!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Is there nobody called Paddy any more?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14You know, you should skip the internet and go for somebody local.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Like who?- What about Jimmy McGinty?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Would ya feck off!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20I wouldn't be his type.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22What type would that be?
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Inflatable.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Jesus, these knickers are killing me.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32I can't wait to take them off.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Well, if you're lucky, you might get someone to take them off for you...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40with their teeth!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Well, you two are all right, going home to a man in your bed.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46BOTH: Yeah.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Well, excuse me!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50It's different when you're married. Isn't it, Betty?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Yeah. Very.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57Dermot used to be so romantic, but not now.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00When will men learn that sex is not romance?
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Oh, that note, let's drink up and go. Tonight is our night.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Did you hear that, Buster?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Not much after she said take them off with me teeth.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23What about Mikey Nolan for a date? I mean, he's a bit of fun.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Mikey Nolan is feckin' mad!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Do you remember the community dance?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30And he thought it would be great fun to strip off naked
0:17:30 > 0:17:32and run around the room when he's nude...
0:17:32 > 0:17:35with his willy wacking off everything.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Ugliest willy I've ever seen.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Looked like a blind carpenter's thumb.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45He had the thing cut off, didn't he?
0:17:45 > 0:17:46What?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50What'cha call that useless bit of skin at the end of a willy?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52A man.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01The other end.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04BOTH: Foreskin!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06He had a circumvision.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- There was a chap who lived in our road who used to help the rabbi with that.- Hm?!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Yes, he used to collect all the little bits of skin.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17He used to make things out of them.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Made my father a lovely wallet.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21It was gorgeous.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24If you rubbed it, it turned into a fuckin' suitcase!
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Maria's right. I do take her for granted.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32I need to do something.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34A grand gesture, something big.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37A bus.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40What?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I have a friend. He works down the bus station.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45He sells the ads on the sides of them.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48If you want, I can have a chat with him. He could do us a freebie.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- How big an ad?- As big as you want. I can get you the whole bus if you want.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Brilliant, I'll do it for Valentine's. Tell him to write...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Hang on, Dermo.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Right, go ahead.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Maria Brown is the most wonderful wife and mother in the world
0:19:05 > 0:19:07and I love her.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09How'd you spell that?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Which word?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13All of it.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You won't find them in there.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I know exactly what you're looking for.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Now, I'm going to give you jump up Johnny tonight.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Because tonight, I want you to go out and I don't care if you never feckin' come back!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Come on, fetch!
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Give Smelly Nelly me best.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01< DOOR CLOSES
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Winnie.- Howya, Agnes? - What are you doing over here?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Just came over to wish you luck and tell ya, give him a good seeing to!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- Winnie, you know the ABC book? - Yeah.- Do you remember the wheelbarrow thing?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- Oh, yeah!- What did it look like?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20Oh, right. Well, he's here and you're there, or is it the other...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Tell ya what, Agnes. Lie down there and I'll show you.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- No, no, no.- Agnes, it'll only take a few minutes.- It's not that feckin' important.- Come on!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Winnie, slow down, for fuck's sake!
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Mammy!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55What are you doing?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Agnes, if you do that twice a day for a week you'll lose five pounds.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00See ya later.
0:21:02 > 0:21:08Thanks, Winnie! It was a thing that Winnie saw on WeightWatchers.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Was it, now? - Do you want a cup of tea?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12No, Mammy, I'm heading over to Betty's.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Mark has to work late, so she has no date, either.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16OK.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Give you a chance to have the house to yourself for the night.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Yes.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23This is the first Valentine I remember that you don't have a date.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I was thinking that earlier.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26You all right?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I'm fine, Mammy.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31YOU'RE the one with the date. Are YOU all right?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I'm nervous, but I'm excited.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Cathy, you know the thong thing?
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Yeah.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40You know the skinny bit, does that go to the front or the back?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42The back!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I fuckin' knew it!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I'm flossing the ying yang off meself.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Cathy, what if he doesn't turn up?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Ah, Mammy, he will. He sounded keen.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04He did, didn't he? And I've been practicing me opera.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06# Na-hiiiigh, ho-ho!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08# Liii-ckim!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10# Naaaay! #
0:22:12 > 0:22:14That's as far as I get, then I get dizzy.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Mammy, fellatio is...
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Hard to fuckin' sing!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Forget it, Mammy. Have a good night.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Good night, love.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35How do you do?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37How do you DO?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42How do you DO?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Hello there.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49How do you do?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51SHE LAUGHS
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Frighten the shite out of him!
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Oh, do sit down, please, do sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Oh, don't show me that!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I am a virgin!
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Oh, there's a candle to say I love you.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28And that's a candle to say keep your fuckin' hands to yourself.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36PHONE RINGS
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Hello?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Yeah, Harry... hello.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Are ya lost?
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Yes.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53I see.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57No, no, no.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Well, keep in touch.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Oh, lovely.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05He's not feckin' coming!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Ooh, hoo-hoo!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Hee-hee.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19SHE SNIFFS
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Shh, Betty!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Knock, Cathy, don't just barge in.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31KNOCKING
0:24:31 > 0:24:32It's open.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Oh, God, I don't think he turned up!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Hello, girls.- Hiya, Mammy. - What are you two doing here?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44We were just heading down for a drink.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47We thought we'd drop in on the way to meet Harry.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Well, tough luck. - He didn't come, did he?
0:24:50 > 0:24:51He didn't even arrive, love.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Jesus, is this an invasion?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01What are you doing here and who are them feckin' flowers for?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02You.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07I didn't tell ya, but my son didn't know it when he had a good thing.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Happy Valentine's Day.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17They're beautiful.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18I haven't had Valentine's flowers...
0:25:18 > 0:25:20ever.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23"Property of St Francis Cemetery."
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Ya bastard!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30You're just looking for another tablet.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Here, off with ya.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35And the next time you're in a graveyard, Grandad, hold on there.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Save us all the fuckin' walk.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Who's the lucky girl? Molly or Nelly?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Both!
0:25:44 > 0:25:45We're having a threesome!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51What are yous doing here?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I had to tell ya what Dermot did for me for Valentine's.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- What?- A bus.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59A whole bus.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03And it reads, "Maria Brown is the most wonderful wif
0:26:03 > 0:26:05"and mother in the world..."
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Wif? What's a fuckin' wif?
0:26:10 > 0:26:15It doesn't matter. "..and I love her."
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Now that's what I call romance. Well done, Dermot.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- What are you doing here? - It's in the script.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Well, there's one you can tell your children when you grow up.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30"There was a time when I was a fuckin' typing error."
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh, not you two, as well!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Howya, Mammy?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Oh, my God! Did you see the bus?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Isn't it fab? "I love Maria Brown."
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Not that, the other one.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45ALL: What other one?
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Well, it said "Cathy Brown is beautiful
0:26:49 > 0:26:51"and she doesn't need her tits blown up!"
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Who in the name of God wrote that?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07It's hot in here, isn't it?
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Not as hot as it's going to be when I set fire to your eyebrows.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Look, I'm delighted to see all of you
0:27:16 > 0:27:20and I know you're disappointed that my date didn't turn up.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22But it's still Valentine's night.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24So, go on, all of you, go out and have a good time.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Hold on, Buster.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Maybe I will go for that drink with ya after all.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Mammy, will you be all right?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I'll be fine. Go on, off with ya.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- C'mon, you! - Cathy, can I hold your hand?
0:27:42 > 0:27:43No!
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Baby steps, Buster, baby steps.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Good night. Enjoy yourselves.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00I love to see young people going out and enjoying themselves.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Get up them stairs.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Good night!
0:28:20 > 0:28:24# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town
0:28:26 > 0:28:32# As the best mum of all she wears the crown
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# Mother hen watching all her chicks
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# Sassy old lady full of tricks!
0:28:38 > 0:28:44# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down!
0:28:44 > 0:28:47- # She's Mrs Brown! - Agnes!
0:28:47 > 0:28:50- # That's Mrs Brown! - Agnes!
0:28:50 > 0:28:52# Our Mrs Brown! #
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd