0:00:02 > 0:00:04- TOILET FLUSHES - She's coming.
0:00:04 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Happy Valentine's Day!
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Oh. Right.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Oh, thanks, Kelly. Oh.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18I thought you might not get one so I made it on my break this afternoon.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I might've got a little bit carried away or...
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Oh, oh.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Oh-ho-ho-ho.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26Oh, no, that's lovely...
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Oh! Oh.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Oh. Oh, thank you.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34That's lovely. Thank you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36- She's good, isn't she?- Yeah.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I'm sort of into crafts.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Oh, well, you're very good at it. Thank you so much.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Well, it's fine.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I wasn't expecting a card from you, so...
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Oh, sorry...
0:00:55 > 0:00:56No, it's cool.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I wasn't expecting one, so it's cool.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Have you been standing there the whole time?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Yep.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Great.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11- Don't worry. I didn't hear a thing. - KELLY CHUCKLES
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I love Valentine's Day, don't you?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Yeah.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18You're never too old for a bit of romance.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20People nowadays, you know, "make love" till, like,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22well into their sixties.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I saw a programme about it. It was disgusting.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26KELLY LAUGHS
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Well, not, not, not disgusting but...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I've set up your new iPhone.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, thanks.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34It's good you've got that, isn't it?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37They're really good for keeping in touch with people
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- in different countries.- OK.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Yeah, yeah, that is good.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Yeah.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Hm.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53When I said "disgusting",
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- I didn't mean the thought of you shagging someone was disgusting.- No?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58No! You'd look great doing it.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Especially if you were on top.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- JASON LAUGHS - Kelly!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04What? She would! I'm being nice!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I wouldn't want to watch it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08No? You wouldn't wanna watch me ride a pensioner?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Oh, Mum!
0:02:10 > 0:02:14No! No way. No offence but...
0:02:14 > 0:02:17You do not want to know the things my ex made me watch.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19When I close my eyes I can still see them.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- Can you give me a hand?- Yep.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Oh, come on, come on...
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Is it hard being a widow on Valentine's Day?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Erm, a little bit, yeah.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- Kell, are you going to get ready? - Yeah. I'm coming.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41I mean, it's just another day, isn't it? But there's lots of memories.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43We didn't used to go out, really.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45We just used to stay in and watch a film because...
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Yeah. I know what you mean.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50This one Valentine's Day when I was 15,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53and I'd just been dumped by Noel Edmunds...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- A different one.- Oh.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58He was in the year above,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01and all my other friends were out with their boyfriends,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03and my mum was out with Alan, and I was all alone,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07and honestly, Cathy, literally, I was this close to killing myself.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Oh, you poor thing.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11It's not as bad as you, though, is it?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Kelly, are you getting ready?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Yes! I'm just looking after your mum!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18I love coming round here.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Oh, well, it's very nice to have you.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Hmm.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Thanks.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25You're welcome.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I was just helping, hanging up some clothes
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and telling her about when I got dumped by Noel Edmunds.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Noel Edmonds?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34A different one.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Oh. SHE SIGHS
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Oh, fucking hell. Oh...
0:03:38 > 0:03:41MUSIC: Cups (You're Gonna Miss Me) by Lulu And The Lampshades
0:03:41 > 0:03:43# I got my ticket for the long way round
0:03:43 > 0:03:46# Two bottles of whisky for the way
0:03:46 > 0:03:50# And I sure would like some sweet company
0:03:50 > 0:03:52# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53# What do you say?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- # When I'm gone - When I'm gone
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- # When I'm gone - When I'm go-o-one
0:03:58 > 0:04:01# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
0:04:01 > 0:04:03# You're gonna miss me by my hair
0:04:03 > 0:04:05# You're gonna miss me everywhere
0:04:05 > 0:04:08# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
0:04:10 > 0:04:14# I got my ticket for the long way round
0:04:14 > 0:04:16# The one with the prettiest view... #
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- I'm not going in there, Derek. - It'll be nice. She's rented a film.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- Come on. - I'm not going in there, Derek.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Come on. Please. We'll just have one drink.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27If you make me go in there, I will hide in the bathroom.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28I've done it before.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31It's Valentine's Day. She's my sister. Come on.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Don't you walk away from me, you turd.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Here she is! Big sis! Haven't you grown?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- HE LAUGHS - Happy Valentine's.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Are you all right? - Yeah. Thanks for coming round.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Oh, don't be silly. It's just another night.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50- Isn't it, Pauline?- Yes.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Oh, give her the, erm...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54CATHY LAUGHS
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Happy Valentine's Day, Cathy.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Oh! Thank you. Thanks for coming round, Pauline.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01No, I'm absolutely thrilled to be here.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Oh, thank you.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06This is exactly how I imagined myself spending Valentine's Day(!)
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Great.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Oh, Pauline's baked a batch of biscuits so we brought some for you.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12What are they?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Rosemary, lavender, liquorice and lime.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Rosemary, lavender, liquorice and lime.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Oh, yum. Come in, come in.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Jason and Kelly will be going out soon
0:05:21 > 0:05:24so we can get the food and watch the film.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- You can leave those on if you want. - I know.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Yeah, no, what I mean is you don't need to worry about
0:05:31 > 0:05:33getting the carpets dirty.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Oh, I'm not worried.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Right, I'm just going to go and get changed
0:05:37 > 0:05:39and then we can order the food.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Lovely.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46We've gone out, and we're having dinner.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49That's not the same as going out for dinner.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Can one of you sort this out for me? I'm going to get changed.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53What is it?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54I rented a DVD.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Did you?- Yeah.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58What, from a shop?
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Yeah.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Oh Cathy. You're hilarious.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07DOORBELL RINGS
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Who's that? - Do you want me to get it?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Can someone get it? I'm getting changed.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I'll get it!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I'm coming!
0:06:19 > 0:06:24- DOOR OPENS - Oh, hello. It's Michael, isn't it?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Yeah.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Well, come in. Come in.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31You should have a coat on, you great big doughnut.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32How are you?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Yeah, I'm good, thanks.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Yeah, my arm hurts a little bit.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Oh, dear. Did you bang it?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41No. That's what I can't get my head round.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Cathy! It's Michael! He's...
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Why are you here?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Yeah, well, I was just popping in.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Shall I just tell her that or...? - No, you don't need to tell her that.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Cathy! It's Michael!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56He's just popping in!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58On Valentine's Day!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- SHE GIGGLES - I'm only kidding.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Oh, hello, Michael. Nice to see you.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Hi. Yeah, I was just... I thought I'd pop in, just...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Oh, hello, Michael, mate.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Hey, Derek. I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'm an international man of mystery.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Oh, for God's sake, Derek. Stop laughing at yourself.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Just one minute, Michael, sorry.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Kelly, love, can you, erm...?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Can you, can you, can you show me how to get on the web?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- Yeah.- I've spent all this money on this new phone
0:07:27 > 0:07:29and I've absolutely no idea what to do with it.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Yeah! I've got one...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Yes, so, Cathy, so you get on the, erm, "web"...
0:07:36 > 0:07:39..by tapping on Safari.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- I just press that button and that opens up.- "Button"!
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Sorry for laughing, Cathy, but, honestly, "button".
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Could I tell Jason? - Yeah, of course you can.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Jason!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Well, come in. Can I get you a drink?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58No! I was... I was just popping in...
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Jason!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Your mum just called an icon a button! She just called it...
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Are you, OK, Pauline? Can I get you a drink?
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Have you got champagne?
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Erm, no, sorry. Erm, I've got wine, beer, soft drinks...
0:08:11 > 0:08:12No champagne at all?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13No.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Not even a little bottle squirreled away somewhere
0:08:16 > 0:08:17for some petty celebration?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- Pauline...- I've got wine.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Have some white wine. It tastes the same as champagne.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You actually believe that, don't you?
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Jason! Your mum just called it a button!
0:08:30 > 0:08:35Then, earlier, she was like, "What's a gigabyte? What's a gigabyte?"
0:08:35 > 0:08:39And now she's like, "Press the button! Press the button!"
0:08:42 > 0:08:43It's nice, isn't it?
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Yeah, it's lovely.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Jason!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49# It feels so good in my hood... #
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- MUSIC STOPS - Are you calling me?!
0:08:51 > 0:08:52It doesn't matter!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Come upstairs if you want to talk to me.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Shouting up the stairs...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00It's ridiculous. It's not my fault I can't hear you.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Text me or WhatsApp me, don't just shout at me.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05It's not my fault I can't hear you.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07# It feels so good
0:09:07 > 0:09:09# So let me hear the party... #
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- "Buttons"! - SHE CACKLES
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Honestly, Cathy, it's the 21st century.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18There aren't any buttons on phones.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20What are they called, then?
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Icons.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25OK, so what's that at the bottom?
0:09:25 > 0:09:26A button.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Right.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31All right, Michael? What you doing here?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Yeah, I just popped in to see how your mum was.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Happy Valentine's Day.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Thanks.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Not like that.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Do you want one of these?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- They were giving them out at Liverpool Street.- Nah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46One of those and I'd never sleep again.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Don't take this the wrong way, Michael,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51but that was really funny, for you.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Thanks.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01So, I've been looking at Jason's internet history...
0:10:01 > 0:10:04HAIRDRYER WHIRS
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Well, I know I shouldn't, but I do.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07OK.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12And he's been googling all about Australia.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14KELLY SNEEZES
0:10:14 > 0:10:18I'm so sorry. Did stuff come out?
0:10:18 > 0:10:19No, no.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I'm so, so sorry. It felt like stuff came out.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23No, no, no, I think you caught most of it.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Oh, I'm so, so sorry, Cathy.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- HAIRDRYER WHIRS - What is wrong with me?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- AEROSOL SPRAYS - Have you not got a big date
0:10:38 > 0:10:39tonight, then?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41No! No. I've not got the energy for all that.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Yeah, I'd be the same if I had to go out with old women.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46I don't know how you do it, mate.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Yeah, well, I tend to find that the younger they get,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51the less interesting they become.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "The younger they get,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"the less interesting they become."
0:11:00 > 0:11:02That was very good. Very good.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I see your mum got a card.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I got the glitter on my hand.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Do you know who it's from?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "I see your mum got a card.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"Do you know who it's from?"
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I hate hot countries. I sweat everywhere.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Even my nose sweats.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I get all sore round my wobbly bits.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33He's just daydreaming, love. He'll never move to Australia.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Don't worry.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36He just wants to travel there.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I do worry, though. I'm a worrier.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41My mum says I get it off my nan's nan.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Apparently she spent, like, the 1800s or whatever, like,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- worrying about old stuff. - CATHY GIGGLES
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I'm not going to Australia. I'm not. I'd miss home.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I'd miss my bed.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I'd miss my mum.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I'd miss you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I'd miss you too.- Isn't it?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Chop suey? That'd be nice.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Whatever.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Do you want to share one or do you want one to yourself?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15This time last year, I was in Sicily, Derek.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17She's a widow.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Oh, don't I know it?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Rice or noodles?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Geoff took me there in a helicopter.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Yeah, well, I'm scared of helicopters.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh, OK, and that's the only reason you didn't bring me here
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- in a helicopter, is it?- Yes. - Really, Derek?- Yes.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31(Bollocks.)
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Pardon?- Nothing.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36(Absolute fucking bollocks.)
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- Pardon? - Nothing. I didn't say anything.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Where are you going?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Ah.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Hello.- I thought we'd lost you.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52No, no. I was just, erm,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54upstairs wishing Jason a happy Valentine's Day.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Bit weird.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Yeah, it was, actually.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00So, are you off on another lovely internet date tonight?
0:13:00 > 0:13:04No, no, no. No, no. I can think of far more interesting ways
0:13:04 > 0:13:06of having an absolutely terrible evening.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Like what?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Oh, sticking my fingers in a shredder,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13erm, sitting on a nail...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Erm...- Talking to Kelly about her epilator.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17I know what you mean.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22So, anyway, look, I just wanted to pop in and say hello
0:13:22 > 0:13:26and, erm, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you weren't alone.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30I didn't realise there'd be so many people.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Erm, I just, erm...
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Yeah, I just...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I saw you got a Valentine's card...
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- We've chosen ours, Cath.- Oh! Great! Great. Come in and have a drink.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44That's so nice of you to think of me. Come on.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51So, I'm going to have my usual - erm, chicken, chicken chow mein,
0:13:51 > 0:13:55chicken chop suey, spring rolls, special fried rice, spare ribs,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57duck pancakes and one of those soups with the, erm...
0:13:57 > 0:13:59with the things in it. Erm...
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Well, we can all share that if you think it's ...
0:14:06 > 0:14:09if you think it's too much for one person.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- You two are going out, aren't you? - Yeah.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Don't worry about me, Cathy. I'm easy. I'll eat anything.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16OK. Derek! Where's Derek gone?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Yeah, as long as it doesn't have meat in it, or gluten,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21or lemonade or grapes, I'll eat anything.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22I know. You said.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23- Derek!- OK!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Come in the living room.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Jacob's Creek?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Come in the living room, please.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Jacob's Creek on Valentine's Day?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Have you completely lost your mind? - HE SIGHS
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- KELLY:- Also, just to say, Cathy, if I eat garlic, my breath stinks.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38- DEREK:- (Michael.)
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Hello, Catherine.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- Oh, hello. We're just sorting out the food order.- Fabulous...
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- HE SIGHS - Women, eh?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Yeah.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Are you off on a date, tonight, or anything?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50No, no,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I can think of far more interesting ways to have a terrible evening.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Are these sweet or salty?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I think they're a mixture of both.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06It works.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Mmm.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19You're looking very nice, Pauline.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Your hair's lovely.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Yes.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Don't you put salt in your dishwasher?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Erm, yes, I do.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32OK.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33You see, it's difficult for me
0:15:33 > 0:15:36because where Pauline's so good-looking... Isn't she?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40She looks good now, but you should see her naked.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42She's got the lot, you know -
0:15:42 > 0:15:43breasts, vagina...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45the lot.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- You're a lucky man.- Yeah.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49So she's used to men taking her out for dinner
0:15:49 > 0:15:52and opening doors for her, putting the loo seat down...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Not like, you know, oh...
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Her husband got her flowers and took her Sicily but...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00but he was also banging her chiropodist, so...
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I should've booked a restaurant.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06It didn't even occur to me.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I booked one.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12You booked a restaurant?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Yeah, you know, just...
0:16:15 > 0:16:19in case anything came up, which, obviously, it hasn't.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22You know, erm...
0:16:22 > 0:16:24So, it's yours, if you want it.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Well, thanks, mate. Thanks. Yeah.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30All right, how much is it?
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Set menu. 50 quid.
0:16:31 > 0:16:3350 quid?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Well, blimey.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39That's a bit expensive, isn't it? For two people?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Each.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Each?!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46How do you find cooking for one?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Oh, well, Jason's here, isn't he?
0:16:48 > 0:16:52And Kelly's around more and more, so...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I'm not much of a cook, anyway.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Yes, Derek mentioned that.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58PAULINE LAUGHS
0:17:00 > 0:17:05But it can get quite lonely,
0:17:05 > 0:17:06being in on your own...
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Lonely? No!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10No. Never. I never get lonely when Derek's at work.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13No, I'm very comfortable with my own company.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15No. The best thing that ever happened to me
0:17:15 > 0:17:18was getting cheated on by my husband and losing all my friends!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21If anything, they were holding me back.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24No. Lonely? Oh, not me.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- I relish having all that time to myself during the day.- Hmm.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32I actually spend a lot of my time now writing book reviews for Amazon.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Yeah...
0:17:33 > 0:17:34I'm doing a puzzle.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Derek bought me a puzzle mat so I can take it to cafes,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39do it in the library...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41And there's so many channels nowadays,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I often find myself flicking between three programmes at once,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46so, no, Cathy.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47I'm not lonely, no.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I didn't say you were, love.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53No.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00All right, then, darling. We're going out for dinner.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Where?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05It was Edmunds with a U.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07The famous one's got an O.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Yeah, but his parents still called him Noel.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Oh, no, I'm not defending it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Was your Noel Edmunds anything like the famous one?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, yeah, he was, yeah.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20He was a horrible little bastard.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Are you sure you won't stay for a drink?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I should go and see my mum, give her a bath.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Oh, how is that?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Yeah, you get used to it.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34She gave me a Valentine's card.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Oh, that's nice.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Yeah. I think one of the nurses must have made it.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41But, erm, how many cards did you get?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Oh, tonnes, you know(!)
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Did you?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46No, of course not.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Oh.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49No, actually, I did.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50I did get one card.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53OK. Do you know who it's from?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. Ha.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02I got a lovely, very pretty, handmade card...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05..from Kelly.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- CATHY LAUGHS - Nice, nice.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12And she stuck a...a flower on the back, which was a nice touch,
0:19:12 > 0:19:16but then I realised that she'd got it from my garden.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19And Derek got me a balloon, which was a bit weird,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- but he does his best.- Mmm-hmm.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Oh, Kelly's started doing her hair in the kitchen.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Oh, dear. That must be annoying.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Just a bit.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33So, do you know what you're doing for your birthday yet?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Cathy, we're going.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I'll leave you to it.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41What champagnes do they have?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Ah, we don't want to drink, do we?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I plan to get absolutely fucking slaughtered.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Well, have a lovely evening, Pauline. You look gorgeous.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Yes, and so do you.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52You look very, erm...
0:19:52 > 0:19:53warm.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Thanks.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Bye, then.- Bye.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Michael had booked a table and he's not using it, so...
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Don't worry. It's important that she has a nice night.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Be sure to tell me what happens in the film, Cathy!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Yeah, or we could come back and watch it another time.- Derek.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Bye.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19I'm going to text Geoff and tell him what we're doing.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23CAR DOOR SLAMS
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Are they gone? - Yeah. Thanks for doing that.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34That's all right. I like to help.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38So, what are you having?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Oh, nothing. I'll see what's in the fridge.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45So, erm, Kelly's...
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Kelly's got this idea in her head about you and Australia.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Yeah? What she say?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Well, she reckons you're going to move there.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Yeah, and what did you say?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Well, I said you just wanted to travel there
0:21:00 > 0:21:02but, yeah, she was just being Kelly.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Thanks. Yeah.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Yeah, that'll throw her off the scent.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19So, what, you ARE going to move there?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Yeah. Or I'll start applying, yeah. I told you that.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24No, you didn't.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Yes, I did.- You didn't. - I was sure I did.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29No, I think I'd remember, but it doesn't matter.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- You know I've always liked Australia.- Yeah, yeah.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34You know, it'll be good for me to have a new start.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I'll take Kelly, obviously, she's up for anything.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38And you and me can just Skype each other.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- I've thought it all through. It'll be like I never left.- Hmm.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Jason! I'm ready!
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Coming!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50So, Cathy, there's this app...
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Do you know what an app is?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Of course she knows what an app is. - Yeah.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56It's short for apple.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57- What?- Nothing.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59What else is it going to be short for?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Anyway, you can get it on your phone and it finds all the people in
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- the area that want to have sex with you.- Oh, Kelly!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07What? It's Valentine's Day. She might be horny.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Oh, my God!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10My mum does not feel horny.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Do you?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- JASON LAUGHS - Oh, Mum!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17All you need do is, is put some pictures of your tits up,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- that sort of thing - some fanny photos.- Sorry?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Fanny photos.- Lovely(!)
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Kelly! - What? I'm not being crude!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26It's what you've gotta do nowadays if you're a girl.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27I think she'd do really well on it.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29She was really pretty when she was young.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Come on. Bye.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Bye. Take an umbrella.- Yeah.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38(Did you talk to him?)
0:22:38 > 0:22:39(No, I didn't get a chance.)
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Oh, Cathy, you're useless!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I don't mean it. Happy Valentine's Day.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Thanks.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Love you!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52RAIN SPLASHES
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- KELLY:- Oh, it's pouring down.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55- RADIO:- 'Three points.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58'I think it will take all the pressure off the away games,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00'and I think there's a confidence that that will give us.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03'If they're given a chance to...'
0:23:03 > 0:23:05HE TURNS RADIO OFF
0:23:36 > 0:23:38SHE SIGHS
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Oh...
0:23:48 > 0:23:50DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Oh, God, it's horrible out there, isn't it?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Erm, yeah. Sorry.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Sorry, I won't, I won't... I won't keep you.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Erm, I just wanted to make sure you've got my mobile number.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Erm...
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Yeah, I'm sure I've got it somewhere.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Erm...
0:24:08 > 0:24:11It's O, double seven, O,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- nine, double O, four, seven... - Yeah, no, no.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I-I-I-I think you might have to be just a tiny bit slower.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Right.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29It's O, double seven,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32double O,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34nine,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37double O,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40four, seven, eight.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Four, seven, eight.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Right, if you ring that,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49then I'll have your new mobile number on...
0:24:49 > 0:24:51on this.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56PHONE: # Work it, make it, do it... #
0:24:58 > 0:25:00OK... Right, I'll go.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Erm...
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I just wanted to make sure you had my mobile number,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- just, you know, in case anything comes up.- Yeah.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09You know, I'm usually in, or I'm at work,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11or I'm at my mum's, and...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13and, even if I'm not, it's a mobile.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15It's... It doesn't matter where you are.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- You know, that's kind of the whole point of it being a mobile.- Yeah.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19But, you know, I'll leave it on,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21just, you know, just in case you need anything.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Yeah.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Right, erm, yeah.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Yeah. Actually, I've got a spare bit of guttering, if you want.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Guttering?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Yeah. I'm doing my mum's.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36No, I, I think I'm... I think I'm all right for guttering, actually.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Oh. No, I was just trying to get rid of it.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42OK, I'll... Yeah, I'd better get going.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Do you fancy a Chinese?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Erm...- Unless there've somewhere you need to be.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50No. No, no. No.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53No, I heard you had a table booked tonight.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Yeah.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57You don't want to follow that up?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00No. No. Wishful thinking.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Hmm. Hmm.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Yeah, well, I'm not going to order a Chinese on my own, am I?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I mean, that would be really sad!
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Yeah, God, who would do that?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Yeah. Have you ever...?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- All the time.- Mmm-hmm, me too.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I'll get the menu and you can have a look,
0:26:17 > 0:26:21No. I'll get the pork chow mein, chicken chop suey, spareribs,
0:26:21 > 0:26:25duck pancakes, spring rolls, and the soup with the dumplings in it.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Is that a bit much for one person?
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Ah, yeah, I'll... I'll have a look at the menu. Thanks, thanks.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Beer?
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Yeah. Thanks.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45CAN OPENS AND LIQUID POURS
0:26:45 > 0:26:50MUSIC: Cups (You're Gonna Miss Me) by Anna Kendrick
0:26:55 > 0:26:56There you go.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Thanks.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04# I got my ticket for the long way round
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# Two bottles of whisky for the way
0:27:07 > 0:27:11# And I sure would like some sweet company
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# And I'm leaving tomorrow What do you say?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# When I'm gone
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# When I'm gone
0:27:19 > 0:27:21# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# You're gonna miss me by my hair
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# You're gonna miss me everywhere
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #