0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Yeah. HE CHUCKLES
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- It's amazing to think that was normal.- Yeah.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Then you put your LP on, and if you were anything like your dad,
0:00:17 > 0:00:20you had to make sure there wasn't any dust on his record,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22because it affected the stylus.
0:00:22 > 0:00:23JASON AND KELLY LAUGH
0:00:23 > 0:00:26You needed a degree just to put a song on!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- How did they find the time to lift the lid, do the dusting...- I know!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Was it anything to do with all the paedos?
0:00:33 > 0:00:34What does that mean, love?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37It just occurred to me there might be a link between how hard it was
0:00:37 > 0:00:40to put a song on in the '70s and the fact everyone was a paedo.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I...I don't think there's a link.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44OK, then.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Also, not everyone who was alive in the '70s was a paedophile.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49We'll see.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- Could I ask you another question about your record player? - Shall we move on?- Yeah.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56We could take these to Australia, Kell.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- CATHY LAUGHS - Oh!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Amazing! God! I can't wait!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04That's a great idea, yeah.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- Was that convincing?- Almost.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Right, so your mum's going to come and take that little fridge,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14isn't she? Is she going to want anything else?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Oh, I'm sure, yeah.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I mean, who wouldn't want some of your clear-out?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Looks like you've got some really great stuff here, Cathy.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24CATHY LAUGHS
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Well, people can just take what they want, can't they,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29and then we'll chuck the rest or take it to Scope.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30I bet they'll be pleased.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Yeah, with the money they've raised from this lot,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35they'll be able to give loads of people loads more...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Scope, or whatever it is they do.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41I'm taking the mickey!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44KELLY LAUGHS No...(!)
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- I'm taking the mickey out of your clear-out!- No(!)
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Yeah! I'm so sorry!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50But you seemed so serious.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51I know, it was all fake!
0:01:51 > 0:01:52- No!- Yeah!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so mean.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57We have such a lot of fun, don't we?
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Yeah. It's orgasmic.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00JASON LAUGHS
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Cathy!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04SHE GIGGLES
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Mum.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Look what I found.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Oh! HE CHUCKLES
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Aww!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14THEY CHUCKLE
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Oh, wow!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Ahh...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Well, I really liked Teddy Sheringham, didn't I?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21SHE CHUCKLES
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Did you think it was weird?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Little bit.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- HE LAUGHS - Mum!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29No, what was really worrying was that T-shirt you made.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Oh...- Oh, no!
0:02:31 > 0:02:32What...
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- this one? - THEY CHUCKLE
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- It's raining!- Oh, shit.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Get the fridge!
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Cathy!
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Kelly, calm down, love!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46# I got my ticket for the long way round
0:02:46 > 0:02:49# Two bottle whiskey for the way
0:02:49 > 0:02:53# And I sure would like some sweet company
0:02:53 > 0:02:57# Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow What do you say?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- # When I'm gone - # When I'm gone
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- # When I'm gone - # When I'm gone
0:03:01 > 0:03:04# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
0:03:04 > 0:03:07# You're gonna miss me by my hair
0:03:07 > 0:03:09# You're gonna miss me everywhere
0:03:09 > 0:03:12# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone... #
0:03:12 > 0:03:14That's it, in you go!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18# I got my ticket for the long way round
0:03:18 > 0:03:20# The one with the prettiest view
0:03:20 > 0:03:22# It's got mountains It's got rivers
0:03:22 > 0:03:24# It's got woods that'd give you shivers
0:03:24 > 0:03:27# But it sure would be prettier with you
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- # When I'm gone - # When I'm gone
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- # When I'm gone - # When I'm gone
0:03:33 > 0:03:37# You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. #
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Carol?
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Oh, hello.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- I'm Cathy. Nice to meet you at last. - Hello! Yeah.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Cathy, yeah. - THEY LAUGH
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Yeah, take anything you want. I want to get it all cleared out today, so...
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- Oh, no, I'll definitely take a lot of this.- Oh, good!- Yeah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I'm taking the piss, you silly bitch.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- It's a load of old crap. - CAROL LAUGHS
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- Hi, Mum!- Hi, Carol. - Do you hear that, Kell?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12She was like, "I'm having a clear-out, take what you want,"
0:04:12 > 0:04:14and I was like, "As if, you silly bitch!"
0:04:14 > 0:04:15CAROL LAUGHS
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Like I'd want any of that crap!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20My mum's so funny, isn't she?
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Yeah.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Let me take that for you.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Where you going to take it?
0:04:25 > 0:04:26CAROL LAUGHS
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Yeah. I'll, um... Yeah, probably just put it on the, um...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Who's that?
0:04:33 > 0:04:34My dad.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Fit.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Good.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I've... I've put the fridge out front,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44but feel free to look in the garage, and take whatever you want.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I want to get rid of as much as I can, so...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Yeah, no, I was sorry to hear about your husband, Cathy.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Um...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Dave.- Yeah. That's right.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Very sad.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Thank you. Yeah.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Yeah, it's not been easy, the past couple of years.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00You seen that, Kell?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Oh, yeah.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05What do you keep in there?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Tea.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09CAROL LAUGHS
0:05:09 > 0:05:12You heard about Kelly's new job, Cathy?
0:05:12 > 0:05:13No.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15She's been headhunted by MI5.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- KELLY AND CAROL LAUGH - Mum!
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I'm joking.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21She's been poached by NASA.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- KELLY LAUGHS - Mum!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25No, I'm joking. I'm sorry, Kell.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27She has got a new job, Cathy.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29She's writing the questions on Mastermind.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33She didn't want to make a thing of it as it's not been confirmed yet,
0:05:33 > 0:05:34but...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37she's 90 per cent certain that she's got the job in Sainsbury's.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Well done, love! That's great.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41My daughter working in Sainsbury's.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I feel like dancing.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45KELLY GIGGLES
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Oh, I see what you've done.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48You knocked it through.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Basically, if she says something horrible to me,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58or, like, if she says something to me that's true and I wish it wasn't
0:05:58 > 0:06:01and it makes me want to cry, what I do is, I just laugh.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Great.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Well, this is going to be fun.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- What's that?- Kelly's mum's here.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Oh, God. How is she?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I'm not sure, but I think she might be the worst person I've ever met.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- Worcester sauce.- I'll pass.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Jason nicks all the good flavours.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26So...how's it going?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Yeah, good, good. Yeah.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Oh, wow. That's massive.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Shall I do it in one?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Give it a try.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39HE CHUCKLES
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Yeah. Congratulations. That was very pleasant to watch.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Thank you.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44SHE CHUCKLES
0:06:44 > 0:06:47No, no. It's all coming along. It's all coming along. Yeah.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Everything's under control. You know, all pretty simple.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Basically you put the brackets to the telly, and...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55fix the telly to the wall. Mmm?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I won't bore you with all the details. Er...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I'm actually supposed to be somewhere, so I'm just going to go
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- and check I've got all the bits... - OK.- ..and just get on with it. - Yeah.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05If I have to watch Jason and Kelly
0:07:05 > 0:07:07canoodling on the sofa one more time,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I think I might dig my eyes out with a spoon.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Almost makes me want them to go to Australia.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13They call each other "babe".
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Oh, God. My Nikki calls her boyfriend "babylips".
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Sorry.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Babylips?- Babylips.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Has he got lips like a baby?
0:07:22 > 0:07:23He does, actually.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25SHE LAUGHS I can talk.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29When Dave and I were their age, we used to call each other "pet".
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Yeah, I remember that.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32SHE CHUCKLES
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Can I stay up here? - No. Bugger off.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38- Oh, come on. - No, go on. Go, go.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Bugger off and let me finish putting up this telly.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Please?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Go.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45SHE CHUCKLES
0:07:45 > 0:07:47HE SIGHS
0:07:53 > 0:07:55PHONE RINGS
0:08:02 > 0:08:03HE CANCELS CALL
0:08:06 > 0:08:08DOORBELL RINGS
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Come in, come in!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Oh, thanks!
0:08:14 > 0:08:15It's big, isn't it?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17The steam cleaner or Derek's penis?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- DEREK SIGHS - She's had a glass of wine.- Right.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24So, how was the golf?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26It was good. Wasn't it?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Yeah, no, it was something different, yeah.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I shouldn't laugh, but Derek kept using the nine-iron.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33The nine-iron.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Sorry, I don't know what that is. - It's the stick thing.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38The "stick thing"? It's called a club.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Yeah, I know it is. I know it is. I was joking.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43He was in the bunker for ages. Everyone was watching.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- She did both.- Right.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50So... So the golf was OK?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Yeah, no, it was good.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- I mean, it's more about the social side, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- I met a millionaire. - Oh! OK.- Yeah.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Was he nice?- Yeah, he was lovely.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Let me carry his clubs.- Great!
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Er, so...Carol, do you want to have a look in the garage, then?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09You can help yourself to anything you want.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11OK. Thanks, Cathy. That's lovely. Yeah.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Amazing.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Like I'd want any of her crap, Kell. Do you know what I mean?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Yeah, I know! She's full of bullshit.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I know!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I'm so, so, sorry. I don't mean a word of it.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Don't worry. It's fine.- Oh, thanks.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Yeah, such a rotten old slag.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- JASON:- Mum! Nan and Grandad are here!
0:09:35 > 0:09:36You've got fat.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Thanks, Maureen.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I barely recognised you.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I don't think I've put on any weight, actually.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Oh, you have. You're ginormous!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47SHE CHUCKLES OK!
0:09:47 > 0:09:48- All right, Nan?- You all right?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Oh...
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Everything hurts.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- OK.- I'm going blind in one eye.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Oh, no!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58If I'd known when I met her she'd end up like this...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Honestly, I'd have run a mile.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- "Hello, Deepak"? - Are you kidding me?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- I don't know.- "Hello, Deepak"? Have you lost your mind?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- I don't know!- Have you no idea how to text a millionaire?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Course I know how to text a millionaire.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Course I do. You've just got to be, like, humble, and use big words.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Oh, Derek. You're such a brute.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Hello, Reg.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23You all right?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Why are you dressed like a poof?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Reg! They've been playing golf.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Golf?- Yeah.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Why are they dressed like poofs?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Maureen!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36They've been playing golf.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Olf?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Golf.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40What's olf?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42GOLF!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45His outfit cost him £575.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47JASON LAUGHS
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, it's breathable polyester, so...
0:10:49 > 0:10:51that's the kind of price you have to pay
0:10:51 > 0:10:53if you want breathable polyester.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54THEY SNORT
0:10:54 > 0:10:58I know I shouldn't laugh, but Derek kept trying to use a nine-iron.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02He was in the bunker using a nine-iron.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- He was stood in the bunker... - I wouldn't bother.- Yes.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08We've put the rugs in the boot, Maureen.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Help yourself to anything else you want, OK?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Can we have her telly?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Nan. This is Carol. Kelly's mum.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Who?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Kelly's mum!
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Nice to meet you!
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Who's Kelly?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27How's it going up there?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Yeah, I just need one more bit, I think,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33and I can hang it up properly.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36So, Pauline is trying to get Derek into golf...
0:11:38 > 0:11:42..and his golf...uniform... outfit thing cost...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Get ready for this...
0:11:44 > 0:11:46£575!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- No!- Yeah!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51That's almost as much as my car.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54How much did your outfit cost?
0:11:56 > 0:11:5720 quid.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59That include the shoes?
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Charity shop.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03You'd never know.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04THEY CHUCKLE
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Oh, look.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Have a look what I found.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Bognor.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- Oh... - HE CHUCKLES
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Do you remember taking it? - Yeah!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Well, I was trying to think why Dave wasn't there.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23He'd missed the train, hadn't he?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Yeah, so we made the journey, just the two of us.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Drinking the beer your dad used to make.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32And then we got there...
0:12:32 > 0:12:34got bored waiting for him...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37then we went for a little walk together on the beach.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39God!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I'd forgotten all about that.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Pair of bloody idiots.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Speak for yourself.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48SHE CHUCKLES
0:12:48 > 0:12:51And he's going for tennis lessons on Sundays.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52What's that?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Tennis lessons.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- Bit of luck. - SHE SIGHS
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Mondays and Fridays is yoga.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Yoga.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Why is she telling us this?
0:13:01 > 0:13:02I don't know.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Tuesdays, we'll go to the theatre.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05He's never seen a play.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06I saw Blood Brothers.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- Yes, I know you did. - MESSAGE TONE
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Are you expecting something?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Yes. We're expecting a text from a millionaire.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20MESSAGE TONE
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Well?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24All together, that's 12 texts from my mum,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26and not one of them makes any sense.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Oh, wow.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I gave her my old phone.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- How's that going? - Biggest mistake of my life.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35MESSAGE TONE
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Oh, I got an e-mail from Emiliana...
0:13:37 > 0:13:40who wants to hook me up with some sexy sluts from my area.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- That's nice of her.- Yeah. Good of her to think of me.- Yeah.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I got an e-mail the other day offering to make my penis bigger.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Oh, great. Yeah, it's about time you did something about that.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53SHE LAUGHS That's really good!
0:13:54 > 0:13:55How's Kelly's mum?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- CAROL:- She's like, "Oh, my God, Mum, I've got a job in Sainsbury's!"
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- KELLY:- I'm such a dumbo! I'm such a knob!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Where you going, Kell?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08No, I'm just laughing. It's funny.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I'm going inside to have a good laugh about it.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Seriously, though, Derek. My daughter, working in Sainsbury's...
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Oh!
0:14:18 > 0:14:19See what I mean?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21PHONE RINGS
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Oh, is that your friend?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Yeah.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You'd better get going. You don't want to keep them waiting.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- DEREK:- All right, Michael? I met a millionaire.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Oh, good.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35How's it going, love?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Oh, yeah, it's all good. All good.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40I just thought I'd come inside
0:14:40 > 0:14:43and try and clear up a load of old bits and pieces.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Oh, OK. Thanks.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Oh.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Oh!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Sorry.- Don't worry.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Sorry.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- I wasn't really paying attention when I put it all in.- That's OK.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Lovely set of clubs, wasn't it? - Oh, yeah, top of the range.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Did he let you have a look at them?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Look at them? I was carrying them.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- No!- Yeah. He was very gracious, wasn't he?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Oh, he was much more polite than he needed to be to someone like Derek.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28That's nice.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Have you played this?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Derek's just sent our millionaire friend a text, didn't you?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Yeah. It's, er, sort of borderline racist.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- But in a funny way.- Oh, yeah.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Well, that's good.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Where are we going to put that?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Next to the armchair.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48SHE SIGHS
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Oh, come on. It'll be nice for me to have something to sit on.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56KELLY SIGHS
0:15:56 > 0:15:57It's like...
0:15:58 > 0:16:03Like, I know it's only Sainsbury's and it's going to be hard.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Some mornings I'm going to have to get up at half past eight.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10But I'm getting all excited about it,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14about, like, working my way up to being a Sainsbury's manager
0:16:14 > 0:16:17and maybe one day - I don't want to get ahead of myself -
0:16:17 > 0:16:19but, like, maybe becoming the owner?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24That's not too much to ask, is it?
0:16:24 > 0:16:25No, of course not.
0:16:25 > 0:16:30But Jason's like, he wants me to go Australia
0:16:30 > 0:16:33and my mum just makes everything...
0:16:34 > 0:16:35I don't know.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I just think it's hard for me cos my mum's so hilarious.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Yeah.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Whereas Jason's fine, isn't he? Cos you never say anything funny.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01BOOMING DANCE MUSIC
0:17:12 > 0:17:14MUSIC CONTINUES
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Fucking prick.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32PHONE RINGS
0:17:32 > 0:17:34It's Deepak. Shit.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Shit, shit, shit, sh...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Well, answer it!- What do I say?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Just answer it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43For God's sake, Derek, don't keep him waiting. He's a millionaire.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Hello, Deepak, mate!
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Derek.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Derek.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53We met today at golf. Derek Evans.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58The fella with the nine iron.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Yeah!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Uh, well, I, er...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Y-You had your cards in one of the pockets of your bag,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07so I sort of took one so we could stay in touch.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Oh.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Yeah. No problem.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Tell him who my husband is.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Tell him about the divorce settlement!- Well, I...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It wasn't actually racist, Deepak.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Oh, come on!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23It was playful.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25It's only a turban.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31No...
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Yeah...
0:18:33 > 0:18:34I do understand.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I can sort of see, now you put it like that,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39how offensive it would be. Yeah.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44OK. Bye, Deepak.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Sorry again, mate.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Bye.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52HE SIGHS
0:18:58 > 0:19:00It was nice of him to call.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- What's this? - Michael's going on a date.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04THEY CHUCKLE
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Poor cow!- Jason!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Well, what does she do? What does she look like?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Tell me all about her.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Well, her name's Lisa.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16She's sort of petite, brunette,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18and she's an administrator for the council.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21How many dates you been on?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Well, one last week and...
0:19:25 > 0:19:26..one last night.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28And...?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30She wanted to go clubbing.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- No!- It was her idea.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I bet you looked ridiculous! - Jason!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Didn't get in till three in the morning.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Michael Callum Roberts! No wonder you look tired!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I'm absolutely bloody knackered!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45THEY LAUGH
0:19:46 > 0:19:48How old is she?
0:19:48 > 0:19:4945.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- Oh!- You dirty old sod!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Got a 13-year-old son.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Well, that's going to be fun, bringing up a teenager.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59You're such a funny old man.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Oh, thank you, Jason.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Why didn't you tell me about her?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Well, it's embarrassing, isn't it?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09No! Why? I don't care who you go on dates with.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12No, I know you don't.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Sorry...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Laughing at you. It's a bit mean.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Um... She sounds really lovely.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25She is. She's really sweet. She is.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Well, you'd better get going. I'll make you even later!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32We're going to get on with the garage,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I want to get it all done before Jason and Kelly go.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I think I'll going to be doing the shed on my own,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39which I was a bit sad about at first, but then I realised
0:20:39 > 0:20:43that I could charge up Dave's radio and listen to 5 Live.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I mean, that's sad, isn't it?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Me, on my own, in my shed, listening to 5 Live while you're on a date.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I mean, what's become of me?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Well, it is a bit worrying.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Well, you'd better get going.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01See Lisa and leave me to my shed.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I've taken the fridge, Cathy.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- Are you going to introduce me to your fancy man? - PHONE RINGS
0:21:07 > 0:21:10That's Michael. He's an old, old friend of ours.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12He was best man at our wedding.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Don't be shy, Cathy.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15It must be nice to get a bit at your age.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Hello. Nice to meet you.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- And you. I'm just going to... - PHONE CONTINUES RINGING
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Hi, Lisa?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Hm. Er, sorry, something's come up with my mum.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37You work in a school, is that right, Cathy?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Yeah, I'm one of the support staff.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41So is that like a teacher, but...
0:21:41 > 0:21:42- Yeah.- ..worse?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- Um...- Or not, like, worse, but...unqualified.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- H&M.- Nice.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54No, I help the teachers and look after the kids who have
0:21:54 > 0:21:57different needs or need a bit more attention.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59No wonder you get on so well with Kelly!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04You must be retiring soon. How old are you now?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh, no, I'm only 59.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Aww! Sounds so much younger than 60, doesn't it?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14The thing is, when you phone a millionaire,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- you expect a bit of rough and tumble.- Yeah.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20And, to be honest, when would Deepak ever speak to someone like Derek?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Exactly.- Only if he was getting his car fixed.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Yeah.- Or his drains unblocked.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- Yeah.- Or if he was at some traffic lights
0:22:26 > 0:22:28and they were trying to wash his windscreen.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Come on, I did that ONCE.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32BOOT SLAMS
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- Is that all right?- Yeah.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I like apples. I'm like my mum. She liked apples.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40It's great, I love it. I'm the same with cider.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Get that down me, no-one's safe!
0:22:42 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I was going to say, Carol, um...
0:22:51 > 0:22:53It's going to be difficult, isn't it,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55if Jason and Kelly move to Australia?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Pardon?!
0:22:57 > 0:23:01No, I mean, you know, I know we can't stop them,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04but if both our kids are going to move to Australia,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06maybe it's something we should get together about.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08What do you mean?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Oh, sorry, I thought you knew.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Jason's looking for a job there.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16No, he's not.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I think Kelly would've mentioned it to me, Cathy. She's my daughter.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24No offence, but I think she would've talked to me about something
0:23:24 > 0:23:28as big as that before she talked to you about it, you silly old cow.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Well, maybe she's worried you're going to laugh at her.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34What do you mean?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Well, you do laugh at her quite a lot, don't you?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39She finds it funny.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40OK...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Maybe she just hasn't got round to telling you yet.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47It's what we do. I take the piss out of her.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- It's funny.- Yeah, OK.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Mum!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Mum!- Yeah?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Is that Jason?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Oh, yes! Isn't he gorgeous?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Reg, look at that.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Ugh! What an ugly baby.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- No!- Grandad!- What's that?!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12What was Jason like as a baby?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15He was fucking ugly!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Stop swearing!
0:24:17 > 0:24:18- Why?- Because it's not becoming
0:24:18 > 0:24:21for a woman to be stood in the street swearing.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Oh, shut your face, you silly old man!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27That's me told.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Oh, no. He was lovely.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Apart from when he used to bite on my boobs.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Oh, Mum!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36He breast-fed until he was 18 months.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Oh, my God! No wonder he spends so long on mine!
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Oh, my! That's enough!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Well, you should see Derek on me.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47He's like a wolf on a carcass.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49SNIGGERING
0:24:50 > 0:24:52I like the feel of them on my face.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55What was Kelly like as a baby?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Oh, my God, I tell you what...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I was a silly, ugly, little thing, wasn't I?
0:24:59 > 0:25:04I was a right idiot. Dumbo baby, that's me!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Yeah. I was probably the stupidest baby...
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- Are you not going? - No. No, no. She cancelled.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Oh. Sorry. Sorry to hear that.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15No, it's all right. Means I can help out in the shed.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Though I don't want to interrupt your exciting 5 Live moment.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Don't worry about that!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Ugly little Kelly's sitting there, like,
0:25:22 > 0:25:26"I want to work in Sainsbury's." Is that what it was like, Mum?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Go on. Tell everyone what a knob I was.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31No, Kell. You were...
0:25:31 > 0:25:35You were the most beautiful, silly, little thing I'd ever seen.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36THEY LAUGH
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I've changed now, though, haven't I?
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Ugly bitch!
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Yeah! Look at the state of me now!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46My arse is so big...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Come on, Kell. As if.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52You're still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Are you taking the mickey out of me? - No, of course I'm not.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59You're my Kell.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oh, my God, Mum, you're going to make me cry!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Oh, Jesus, don't do that!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- I know!- Don't cry, for God's sake! You'll never stop!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12I don't know what's wrong with me!
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Let's all just calm down and have a cup of tea!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18That's if we can work out which tin it's in!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20FORCED LAUGHTER
0:26:22 > 0:26:24The label on her tin of tea!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27That's such a Cathy thing to do.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Have you seen what she's wearing?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- I know!- Yeah. She dresses like that all the time!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You should've seen what she was wearing on her birthday!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37All right, Kelly. That's enough.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Oh, no! I don't mean it, you great big hullabaloo!
0:26:41 > 0:26:42- Ow!- Come here!
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Sorry!
0:26:43 > 0:26:47# I've got my ticket for the long way round
0:26:47 > 0:26:51# Two bottle of whiskey for the way
0:26:51 > 0:26:52# And I sure would like
0:26:52 > 0:26:54# Some sweet company
0:26:54 > 0:26:56# And I'm leaving tomorrow
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# What do you say?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# When I'm gone
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# When I'm gone
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# You're going to miss me when I'm gone
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# You're going to miss me by my hair
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# You're going to miss me everywhere
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# You're going to miss me when I'm gone. #