0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Hi, I'm Jamie Laing and I'm from Made In Chelsea,
0:00:09 > 0:00:12but today, I'm starring in my own cop drama.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15I have to solve a murder. I don't know any of the suspects
0:00:15 > 0:00:18and I don't know anything that is going to happen to me.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Wish me good luck. I'm off to Successville.
0:00:25 > 0:00:30Welcome to Successville. A town full of celebrities.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36And when they do, I'm here to take them down.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I'm DI Sleet.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42The D is for Detective, not Deborah,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46because there's no such thing as a Deborah Inspector.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51I eat crime. I drink justice, and I shit myself.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58It was Thursday.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59I knew it was Thursday
0:00:59 > 0:01:02because the calendar on my desk said it was Friday.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I run a day fast so I stay one step ahead of the bad guys.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Sleet? What's all this about you
0:01:08 > 0:01:11filing a report about me to HR for bullying?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Ah, it's just at times you can be something of a hard-on, Chief.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Yes, but at times, Sleet, you can be a cat's dick-hole.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22How dare you? How fucking dare you, after all I've done for you?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I'm gonna take this report, roll it into a sausage
0:01:24 > 0:01:26and shove it up your arse!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Will you at least grease me up this time, sir?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Oh, God. I've got you a new recruit.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Young man, inside, quick as you can.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- Hello.- Hello.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37This is DI Sleet. He's gonna be breaking you in.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40This is Jamie Laing. He hasn't got a fucking clue what's going on.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Sleet's gonna show you the ropes. Is that all right?
0:01:43 > 0:01:44I'm not imposing on you too much now, am I?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- That's fine, sir.- Bell-end!
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Hi.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53So, daddy's little princess doesn't want a pony any more.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55He wants to be a real-life policeman.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Is that right?- Yeah, I do, I do. That's why I'm here.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I want to be a policeman.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- You excited?- I'm very excited.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Take a seat.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05SLEET SIGHS
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- You like to laugh, do you? - No. I don't like to laugh.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I mean, I laugh when I feel uncomfortable.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Do you like to party?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Um, yes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Best party you ever went to, tell me about it.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25It was a Neverland theme party but it was more like,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27um, fairy tales.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Were there girls there?- There were girls there, and you had to...
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Did you, as the Americans may say, "make out"?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35I think I probably would've.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36How did it go down?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- I mean, it went down OK. I... - Show me.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Show me how you did it.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Usual police protocol.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Use this as her lips.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Like this. OK?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50So you line up for the kiss.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Did you say anything before you kissed her?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55No, I don't think I did. I think I just went for the kiss.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59HE LAUGHS
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Oh, God.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- This is... - How long did the kiss go on for?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Show me. Was there tongues?
0:03:08 > 0:03:09There was a bit of tongue.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Then...I must see this.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13OK.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Oh. - So sorry to interrupt you, Sleet.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I was just wondering if you could get round
0:03:22 > 0:03:26to getting your useless arse in gear and solving a murder?!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28God, will they never stop killing?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Bruno Tonioli, somebody's got to him.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- The restaurateur? - Yes. The restaurateur.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Quick as you can, boys. I'll be watching you.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- If you screw this up, I'll knock your bollocks off. Yes?- Yes.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Good.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Chop chop.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43So, kid, this is it. To your feet.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Let's go solve a crime!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51We'll work on your kissing on the way.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00We headed to Bruno Tonioli's restaurant. It was a big deal.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Laing was popping his cherry on his first crime scene.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Head of Ballistics, Taylor Swift, was already there.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Your first crime scene, kid.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Sleet, it's been a while.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Oh, hi, Taylor.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Who's this guy?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Oh, this is Jamie Laing. He's a sweet, young innocent.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I'm bringing him into a whole world of hurt and pain.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Oh, you're good at that, aren't you?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Seriously, watch this guy, OK? Cos he'll lead you on, and then, pfff!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Oh, we only had two sexes.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- What are you laughing at?- Nothing.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- It's time we started looking at this murder scene.- Yeah.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Look. The trajectory of the blood and the brain matter suggests
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- that the murderer, whoever he was... - Or she.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Whoever he or she was..- Or they.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- Whoever he or she or they was... - Or were.- OK.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Whoever he or she or they was or were,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53was or were sitting right here.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57OK, kid, it's time you got inside the mind of a murderer.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Park your caboose down there.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01(I like it when you talk like this.)
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Try and keep your knickers on, Swift.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Now what do you see, evidence-wise?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- So we have euro notes.- Oh, euros.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Euros. Do you remember that time we went to Paris once?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13He, like, took me along the Champs-Elysees.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15We went for, like, a beautiful dinner,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18and then he took me to the Eiffel Tower, and he bummed me.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19SLEET CHORTLES
0:05:19 > 0:05:20- He bummed you?- Mm-hm.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I didn't take her to Paris or the Champs-Elysees.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Don't write this down. Why would you write that down?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27It's not evidence. It's not about the case.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29It's just about a bit of bumming.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31JAMIE LAUGHS
0:05:31 > 0:05:32What else is there, kid?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34We have cigarettes.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Ah, okey dokey, we have a smoky.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38We have a receipt.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- What's on the receipt? Read it out. - A green salad.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Do it in an Italian accent, so we can set the mood.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47A green salad...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49HE LAUGHS
0:05:49 > 0:05:54- EXAGGERATED ITALIAN ACCENT: - Bruno Tonioli, a green salad,
0:05:54 > 0:05:55spaghetti carbonara...
0:05:57 > 0:06:00..penne al forno...
0:06:00 > 0:06:01HE LAUGHS
0:06:01 > 0:06:03..ah, tiramisu...
0:06:07 > 0:06:11..grapple pie, a cheesecake, a glass of house-a red.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14OK, kid. You now should be inside the mind of a killer.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- What car do you drive? - I don't drive.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18No, you're the murderer - not you.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19This is in the mind of the murderer.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- What car do you drive?- A Fiat.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23- Colour?- Red.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I mean the guy who did it.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26HE LAUGHS
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Italian-looking.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34If you ask me, this has all the markings of a gangland hit.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36There are only two units that could have pulled this off
0:06:36 > 0:06:39in this town, OK? And that is Harry Styles' gang,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41and the Carr twins, Alan and Jimmy.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Write it down.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43What about his wife?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Oh, Darcey Bussell? No.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47She left him two months ago for Adrian Chiles.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- She always liked a bad boy, did Darcey. OK, kid?- Yeah.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53It's time to go investigate.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54You ready to see the seedy,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57disgusting underbelly of Successville?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59See you soon, Taylor. Come on, kid.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Goodbye, sir.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04'Swift had served us up a selection of suspects.'
0:07:04 > 0:07:07First on the menu, the notorious Carr brothers, Jimmy and Alan.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Businessmen, wine pedlars, killers, question mark?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15The Carr brothers, Jimmy and Alan.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Alan's the brains of the outfit.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Sharp as a tack.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Jimmy is loco, like a steam train.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24He's bat-shit crazy, you dig?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I dig. Can they hear us?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31No, this is completely soundproof. You could say anything you want.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Hey, Jimmy, you're a big, stupid wally brain.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35THEY LAUGH Say something.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39You got a stupid coat on! Ha-ha-ha!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- That's not an insult, is it? - OK. Er...
0:07:47 > 0:07:48..You, er...
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Think, come on.- I mean, you...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Hey, hey, Alan, you look like a frog!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Yeah, you look like a bird!- What?!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59What? You said an animal, so I copied you.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00You don't copy me, kid.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05What we need is a safe word, should things turn doomtastic in there.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Table.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10No, not table. You can't use that, it's a bit stupid.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Sleet.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14No, don't say that, you'll say my name loads in there anyway.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I've got the perfect one.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- What?- Earwig.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Earwig?- Earwig.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Why earwig? - It's a good, old-fashioned word
0:08:22 > 0:08:24that's close to my brain and my heart.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28We're just gonna enjoy ourselves. Right, Laing, let's do this.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Thanks for popping down, boys. It's just a few questions.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I don't have to answer no questions. This is harassment.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I'm a respectable businessman.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Listen, Carr, someone had pumped Tonioli with a 42-calibre fork.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Perhaps someone left him a hail of bullets as a tip.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Or perhaps someone had a score to settle! You're quiet, Jimmy.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00What you looking at?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05MANIC, BRAYING LAUGHTER
0:09:08 > 0:09:09No. Jimmy.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I hear you were Tonioli's wine supplier!
0:09:15 > 0:09:16For a while.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20We visited a few vineyards last weekend, and I sell a bit on.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21What happened?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22He got a better offer.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Really? Like what?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28HE HONKS
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Well, that is a good offer. How could you compete?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32So Tonioli gets a new guy,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35and you're left with crate upon crate of crappy wine.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Must have made you mad, Carr.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Business is business, Sleet.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41So be it.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Would you two be able to put your fingers in your ears
0:09:44 > 0:09:46so I can talk to my partner in private?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49OK, listen.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I'm going to take Alan out of the room, rough him up a bit,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56ask him some questions. I'm going to leave you in here with Jimmy.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57- Leave, you mean? - Yes, with Jimmy.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Why you leaving me with Jimmy? Look at him.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- You scared of him? Look at him. - I'm not scared of him, no.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03He's a freak. He's a loser.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- I know he's a loser.- He's weak. Are you weak or are you strong?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I'm strong. Like a wrecking ball.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I like it.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Don't leave any stone unturned.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- You ready?- Ready.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Good boy. Hey, Alan? Unplug 'em. Follow me.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Let's me and you go for a chat outside.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Right, I'm gonna ask you some questions.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30And I want you to answer honestly and truthfully.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Where were you at the time of the murder?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35HE HONKS
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I'll ask you again. Jimmy, where were you at the time of the murder?
0:10:39 > 0:10:43HE HONKS
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Last time.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Jimmy, where were you at the time of the murder?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Shhh!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54DEEPER LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Sit down.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES
0:10:57 > 0:10:58EARWIG!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER BECOMES MANIC PANTING
0:11:00 > 0:11:02EARWIG! Sleet!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER BECOMES HYSTERICAL
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Sleet! Sleet! Earwig?!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10You're treating me like a prize plonker, Carr.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Tell me, where were you on the night of Tonioli's murder?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I was at home, washing my hair.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Yeah. Head, pit or pubic?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I refuse to answer that question without my lawyer present.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Well, you ain't gonna get no lawyer.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Sleet! Earwig!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28JIMMY YELLS MANICALLY
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Earwig, Sleet!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33HE GASPS MANICALLY
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Let's see how your brother's getting on.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40What are you doing?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Sleet, what the hell...? I called "earwig"!
0:11:42 > 0:11:43I couldn't hear you. Sorry, kid.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47What do you mean? It's the safe word and you didn't come!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- What's all this crap? - He had it with him.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51You let him here with this?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I didn't let him in here with this! He was in here with this.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54JIMMY LAUGHS
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Hey, shut up!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58You get any evidence? What the hell's that?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Why do you have that with you? What is it?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02A Barbie.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Damn it, kid!
0:12:04 > 0:12:08If you're not going to charge us, we'll be going.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Be on your way, you pair of punks. Get outta here!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Come on, Jim. Home time.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15JIMMY LAUGHS SOFTLY
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Get outta here, you smarmy little shitbag.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22We're no closer to the end, but this case is just getting exciting.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Let's go!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Laing had lost his wiener up against the Carrs.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I had to hope he could find it, ASAP.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Up next, one Darcey Bussell, Bruno's jilted wife.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37It was time for Jamie to go undercover, with a new alias -
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Arty Boocamp.
0:12:38 > 0:12:44- "Arty Boocamp?"- Arty Boocamp. Like "boot camp", but no T. Boocamp.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Now listen, go in there, earn her trust,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47have a good time with her. Make Papa proud.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- Oh, hello, stranger!- Hi.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02What's a nice gentleman like you doing in a terrible joint like this?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Ah, I came for a drink.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Oh, darling, you'll have to wait. The service is terrible.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- What's your name, darling? - I'm Arty Boocamp.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14Arty Boocamp. How nice to meet you, darling. What a pleasure!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15And where are you from, Arty Boocamp?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I'm from the north, but I have a southern accent.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21How lovely, darling. How wonderful. And what do you do, Arty Boocamp?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I buy and sell exotic fruit.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Really, darling?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Like papaya and...starfruit.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Have you ever had starfruit?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Who hasn't had a starfruit?- I know!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Where do you sell them, darling? - What is your name?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- I'm Darcey, darling. - You're Darcey?- That's right.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- You're very beautiful.- Oh.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- Can I get you both a drink?- Yes...
0:13:40 > 0:13:41(Jamie, it's me.)
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Two whisky sours, please, darling.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44And for you, sir?
0:13:44 > 0:13:45I will have the same.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Oh, thank you, darling.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Four whisky sours it is.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- So where do you live? - I think she likes you, darling!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- I think she does, too. - Did you see?- I did see!
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Oh, how exciting.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Are you married? - Oh, darling, I was married.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00It's such a sad thing to talk about marriage, isn't it?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- What was your husband's name? - Oh, you won't know him, darling.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- What was his name?- Bruno. - Bruno?- Bruno Tonioli.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- I don't know him.- Oh, he was a terrible man.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Oh, thank you, darling. - Why was he so...? Thank you.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12(Ask more questions.)
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Tracey, I'll leave you a tip, darling. Leave it there for you.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- That's very kind of you. - Thank you, Tracey.- Yes.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I hope you're both having a good time.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23But not too much of a good time that you forget why you're here.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Oh, well, I'd never forget why I'm here, Tracey.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27If you know what I mean.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31So, tell me. Where were you when your poor husband was murdered?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Oh, hello, Tracey!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I can't seem to stay away.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Oh, what's that over there? - Well, I don't know, Tracey.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Listen. You better get your arse in gear.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41We're up against the clock here, OK?
0:14:41 > 0:14:42(I'm trying to.)
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Quick, kiss me.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I have that effect. It's a curse.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51So tell me, how come you use euros?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Oh, just travelling round Europe all the time, darling.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I can't tell the difference between europes and poundens.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59And so, are you sad? So do you miss Bruno?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Were you guys happy? Did you love him?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I loved him in my own way, darling, but I don't think he loved me.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Well, who shot Bruno?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Well, darling, the million-dollar question, I suppose.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I don't know. I'm just drinking until the pain goes away.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Were you there when he was shot?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Don't you find alcohol makes everything seem better?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17It feels like you're in a dream world when you drink.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Darling, you really are a poet. It's like Ted Hughes is here.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- We are in a dream. - I'm sorry to interrupt once more.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, Tracey, that lipstick really suits you.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Thank you very much.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Um, there is a car waiting outside for you.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- There is?- Yes. I think you better be on your way.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34The barman said your sort aren't welcome here.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Oh, I didn't realise. Oh, darling. Take care, Mr Boocamp.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- It was a pleasure. - It was a real pleasure meeting you.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44- Au revoir, darling.- Au revoir.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Proud of yourself?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I never said that Arty Boocamp was a complete prick, did I?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54The car's been running for 40 minutes, Laing!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57'Our final suspects were Harry Styles, Niall Horan
0:15:57 > 0:15:58'and the One Direction mob.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02'A change of clothes and a stiff coffee later, I hatched a plan
0:16:02 > 0:16:05'so Laing could infiltrate their gang - shebang!'
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Hockey up a perch, kid.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- You ready for this? - I'm ready for it.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15This is Harry Styles and his gang.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17They're as lethal as they are ugly.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- He's a madman.- Mm-hm.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23You'll be able to hear everything I say through that wire.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Repeat everything I say.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27- Repeat everything I say. - No, not now,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29when you've got the earpiece and you're in there.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- That's when you repeat everything I say. OK?- OK.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33You need to be tough in there, kid.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36And we think it's all right on my first day to go in there?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- What, are you scared? - No, I'm not scared...
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Well, do you want me to send you down
0:16:39 > 0:16:41to plant some flowers at the roundabout?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- No, I...- Do you know what I did on my first day?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- What?- I took a gun. I went down to a biker gang,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48and I took them all out.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50For no goddamn reason.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- How's that make you feel? Are you scared of me?- No.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Why not? Why would you not be scared when I tell you I've killed people?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Do you think I'm pathetic?- No.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- Do you think people have sex with my wife behind my back?- No.- They do.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04HE GUFFAWS Is that funny?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05No, it's not. Not at all.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Have you had sex with my wife? - No, I have not.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- Have you had sex?- I would never... - Look me in the eye.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11He does this to everyone.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13You shut your face. Be on your way. Go.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Get out! You disgust me!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- This is safe, isn't it? - It's not safe.- OK.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22How are they doing, beating him up? That poor slug.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Hey, do you know how you kill a slug?
0:17:24 > 0:17:25- Pour salt on it.- Exactly.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28You know if you put a stone in a piece of bread
0:17:28 > 0:17:29and give it to a pigeon, it can't fly?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Oh, it's a shame this murder case is getting in the way.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33I'd like to give that a try.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Sweet Jamie.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41Great men don't shit their pants.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43(Go get 'em, soldier.)
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Tie him up nice and tight.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Do you know what we're gonna do to you, policeman?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50We're gonna beat you senseless, then we're gonna kill you.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- It stinks in here.- Anyone that...
0:17:52 > 0:17:56It stinks in here. What is this? A fart factory?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Who the fuck are you?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I'm Marvin Eaglecock.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I'm Marvin Eaglecock.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07A freelance hell-raiser, looking for some action.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11I'm a crime robot that turns into a crime lorry.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I'm a crime robot who turns into a crime lorry.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18I am Optimus Crime. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Who's he, then? Your girlfriend?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Do you want me to tear you a new arsehole?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I might rip it there so you get shit in your eyes!
0:18:26 > 0:18:27You'll never get...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29HE LAUGHS SOFTLY
0:18:29 > 0:18:31What?!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34You'll never get near my arsehole!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37You finished, have you? That's very nice.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38You seemed a little bit stuttery.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Are you nervous? Do you think I have nerves?
0:18:41 > 0:18:46I literally don't have nerves. I have titanium flipping wires.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Watch this.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Oh, God!
0:18:52 > 0:18:56And it's back. Bada-bing! Didn't feel a thing.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Tell him that's the coolest thing you've ever seen.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Hell fire. That's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
0:19:07 > 0:19:15And I've seen a pigeon eat some bread. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Ha-ha-ha!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Ah-ha! Ha-ha!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24And I've seen a pigeon eat some bread with a stone in it,
0:19:24 > 0:19:25and it couldn't...
0:19:26 > 0:19:28HE GUFFAWS
0:19:28 > 0:19:29..fly!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- I like him.- I like him. - Come and take a seat.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Sorry. just sit down now.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35It's gonna be OK.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Can we hear what you've got to say now?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Do you want to know a little bit about my past?
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Go on.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Two years ago, I was in the Los Bandos.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52HE SPEAKS "SPANISH"
0:19:54 > 0:19:56HE CONTINUES
0:19:56 > 0:19:58JAMIE PICKS UP SENTENCE
0:20:03 > 0:20:06That's...(Spanish)!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Those are bold words. How many people have you killed?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Five...
0:20:11 > 0:20:14thousand...
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- ..six... - HE LAUGHS
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Five thousand, six hundred...
0:20:19 > 0:20:20and...
0:20:20 > 0:20:24twenty...one...
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Native....
0:20:28 > 0:20:30HE LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Native American Indians.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Oh, that's a bit specific.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- That is specific, yeah. - All right. OK. You're in.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Fill him in on the facts, Niall.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Right, well, there's been a bit of trouble round here,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- you might have heard. - Yeah, I've heard.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47MICROPHONE SCREECHES AND CLUNKS
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Boss, what's that noise?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Oi, you. Tomlinson, go and check that out.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Hey! Look at me.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Bruno's, used to be a nice little caff.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Two-course lunch for under a tenner.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02But, Bruno, you know, he's been causing a lot of trouble.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03You know what I'm saying?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06You know those food hygiene rating stickers
0:21:06 > 0:21:08you get in t'window of restaurant?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Well, Bruno's, that said five.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15On the other hand, if you were to ask my arse, it would say
0:21:15 > 0:21:18very loudly, and in no uncertain terms,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22that it was a big, fat bleeding zero!
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Ha-ha, just like his arse!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25He had an arse like a fire sprinkler.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27All right, Niall. All right, don't talk about me arse.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Sorry, boss.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33So, I had a little word with Senor Tonioli.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36It began with a "you", and ended with,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39"..will regret this, you twinkle-toed,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42"spaghetti-peddling fuckwit!"
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Now it looks like someone's finally lost it with him, you know.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Get off me! Get off me, you gangrenous fat toad!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- What the...?- Let me go.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Urgh!
0:21:52 > 0:21:57Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58DI Sleet.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02I thought the smell of copper was coming from this seat here.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- Hey, Sid.- All right.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Happy birthday, old friend.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Some of the guys have got you a cake back at the station. If you make it.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Where's your badge, Sleet?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Well, I was only making a cold call, stopping by to say hello
0:22:15 > 0:22:17to some friends.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Oh. You told anyone you're coming here?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Regrettably, no.- All right.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- Shoot him.- Jamie! Don't do it.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Jamie?! You said your name was Marvin Eaglecock.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32- Ahem. Er...- What's going on?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34You said you were Optimus Crime.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36You know what, you're with him. You're a copper!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- I'm not with him! - You're a policeman!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- Come here.- You're a policeman. - WIRE SCREECHES
0:22:40 > 0:22:41In fact, I see it now!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- A wire!- Sorry, Jamie.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Looks like we're both done for.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48And Sid, of course, but he was always dead anyway.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Right. Take these two next door and tie 'em up.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Right, come on, big nuts. - Get off me!
0:22:53 > 0:22:54You won't get away with this.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I'll get away with what I want!
0:22:56 > 0:23:00You don't scare me, Sleet. You big ponce!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06GROANING
0:23:08 > 0:23:09- Jamie.- Yeah.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Can you see anything that might get us out of this?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- Oh, there's some scissors.- Where?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17In front of me. There's some scissors just there.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Do you think you can...? Oh, wait there.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, guess what I can see?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- What can you see? - A big old lump of cheese.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25- Cheese?- Yes.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- What are you going to do with the cheese?- Eat it, of course.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30We're trying to escape. We don't need to eat now.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32If we can get to the cheese, we can get our strength up,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34then we can come back and get the scissors.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Well, how we going to get the cheese?- Follow my lead. Ready?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- Yeah.- One, two, three - go.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41THEY GRUNT AND STRAIN
0:23:45 > 0:23:49I'm nearly at the cheese. I'm nearly at the sweet, sweet cheese.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Ah... You're so heavy. Why are you so heavy?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I have a problem with eating.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57JAMIE LAUGHS
0:23:57 > 0:23:59CHAIR SCRAPES ON FLOOR
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Bend, kid. Bend, boy.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I'm trying to bend. My back doesn't bend.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Arrrgh!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11PLATE SMASHES
0:24:11 > 0:24:13The cheese has gone.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17I don't often admit that I'm wrong, but, thinking about it...
0:24:17 > 0:24:19we should have probably got the scissors first.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- How far are the scissors away now? - So far.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Listen, sweet boy, you're going to have to lead this. Ready?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- BREATHLESS:- OK, ready.- Go.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30THEY GRUNT
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- LAUGHING:- What you doing? I feel like we can stand up.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Twist...twist.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I'm on... I'm on the chair.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- You're just dragging me. - I got...the scissors, boy.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Use your teeth to get the scissors. Go on your knees.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55OK. Excellent.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Actually, I think we can shake out of this.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Jamie, I got the scissors.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- Hey, you know what?- What?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07I think we really bonded there.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13That is old-fashioned teamwork.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Now let's go and bust these suckers!
0:25:15 > 0:25:19'Jamie had finally proved his mettle. We lured the suspects to the docks.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22'Time to serve up justice, alfresco style.'
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Oh, hello, it's the Carr sisters.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Oh, here we are. The One Erection boys.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- Funny seeing you here, darling. - Funny how? Do I amuse you?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- Here, calm down, boss, you know. - This is our territory.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Back off, laughing boy.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36WHOOPING LAUGH
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- He wasn't talking to you. - Was that a laugh?
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Sounds like he's got whooping cough.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Oi, watch your mouth. We've had the cop...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- CLANG - It's Sleet!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Everybody easy.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Well, looksey here, Jamie boy,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54we got ourselves an old-school Mexican standoff.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Jamie, I want you to take down whoever you think
0:25:58 > 0:26:00killed Bruno Tonioli.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05And when you do it, kid, say something real cool.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Yippee ki-yay, Darcey Bussell!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10SHE SCREAMS
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Mr Boocamp!
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Ow!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Flippin' heck.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17WHOOPING SCREAMS Jimmy!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19No, come on now, big man.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Think of the fans now. No, come on now.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Hey, Niall. Pretty silly bringing a knife to a gunfight.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26You missed.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29HE WAILS
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Don't!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34THUNDER RUMBLES
0:26:36 > 0:26:39PAINED WHOOPING
0:26:39 > 0:26:40- How cool was that?- That was cool.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Two guys just out shooting bad guys.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47You know something, Jamie, I've never felt this close
0:26:47 > 0:26:49to anyone in my life.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I'm proud of ya, kid. Daddy's proud. Real proud.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- I feel like a proud... - What's going on?
0:26:54 > 0:26:58What's...? What's that? What's thaaat?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Who's responsible for this bloodbath?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04He is, sir. Jamie Laing.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09Why? Why did you shoot Darcey Bussell?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- Cos she killed her husband.- What?
0:27:11 > 0:27:15In the restaurant, there were euros on the table.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18She paid for the receipt. There was wine on the wall.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- She'd thrown wine on the walls.- Wow.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23She was obviously upset and hurt and killed him.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26You were surrounded by hardened criminals,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28and you decided to shoot an innocent woman.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30How do you feel? Big?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33It was obviously the Carr twins, you doughnut.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Yes? They were pissed off at Bruno
0:27:37 > 0:27:40because he changed wine suppliers, yeah?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- He got a better offer. - Must have made you mad, Carr.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Business is business, Sleet.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48They'd been in France on a booze cruise.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51There was a tip in euros at the restaurant,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54and they smoked cigarettes.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57It couldn't have been Darcey because she smoked e-cigarettes,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00and Taylor told you...
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Oh, this has all the markings of a gangland hit.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04You know, when he puts it like that,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06it's pretty obvious it wasn't Darcey, actually.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Laing. You're fired.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12And as for you, Johnny Big Balls, piss off home.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Fuck me.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17How do you feel, kid?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20I just killed an innocent woman.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24You know something? It happens. That's the job, I guess.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27You're not going to let it weigh on your conscience, are you?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Well, I'm not going to be your partner any more.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Yeah, but we can still be friends, can't we?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- We are friends, aren't we?- We are.
0:28:34 > 0:28:39Hey, what say Arty Boocamp and Billy Sticks go and get a drink?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41- You know who Billy Sticks is?- No.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43He's Arty Boocamp's best friend.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Come on, you multi-murderer.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50You never did tell me how Made In Chelsea ends.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53MUSIC: Higher Love by Steve Winwood
0:28:54 > 0:28:56# Bring me a higher love
0:28:58 > 0:29:02# Where's that higher love I keep thinking of?
0:29:03 > 0:29:07# Worlds are turning and we're just hanging on
0:29:07 > 0:29:13# Facing our fear and standing out there alone
0:29:13 > 0:29:17# A yearning, and it's real to me
0:29:17 > 0:29:22# There must be someone who's feeling for me... #