0:00:07 > 0:00:10Hello, I'm Greg James, normally found on Radio One
0:00:10 > 0:00:12but today I'll be starring in my very own cop drama.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15There's been a murder. I don't know who's been murdered.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17There's some suspects, I don't know who they are.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19In fact, I don't know anything about anything.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22So, join me, as I try and solve a murder in Successville.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Sometimes our famous faces who live here break the law
0:00:33 > 0:00:36and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41I'm DI Sleet, Maverick Renegade cop.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44My mother gave me three bits of advice.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Rules are for board games,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49never push your grandmother while she's shaving
0:00:49 > 0:00:53and you can't make an omelette without smashing some faces in.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Thanks, Mummy.
0:00:55 > 0:01:02This programme contains some strong language
0:01:03 > 0:01:05It wasn't fair of me to buy that Alsatian
0:01:05 > 0:01:07when you didn't want one, but...
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Oi, big boy! Wow, look at you.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11You look like a sack of shit on a hot day.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I feel like a sack of shit on a hot day, Chief.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Well, what do you expect if you go out drinking all night?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I'm dealing with something I like to call heartbreak, Sir.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Don't care.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21I got your new recruit.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Young man, inside. Yes?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Quick as you can, please.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28This, is DI Sleet, he'll be showing you the ropes.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- Yes?- Yep.- Yes?- Yes.- Yes?- Yes.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Yes, he smells a bit but he's got a heart of gold.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I'll leave you two ladies to it.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Hello, sir.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41You earn handshakes around here.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45So, justice has a new name and that name is...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Greg.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49James.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Let's just stick with justice.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- SLEET CLICKS FINGERS - Take a pew.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Being a cop is a lonely, lonely business.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02We've got to trust each other impeccably.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06How do you think you could deal with, say, a hostage situation?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I think I'd... I think I'd be all right.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- You go to Mexico on holiday.- Hmm.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13All of a sudden there's some screaming.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14It's a local ho, and her pimp.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16GREG SNIGGERS
0:02:16 > 0:02:19He's got himself a shotgun and he's going to blow her brains out.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Hey! Hey! Who are you? What you want?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Where's he from?- I'm going to kill... What?- Where's he from?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- He is from Mexico but he's spent a bit of time in China.- Right.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Hey! Hey! Hey! Who the hell are you talking to over there?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Don't tell him I'm here. I owe him money.- Right.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- Hey, what's your problem? - There's no...
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- What is your problem?- No, nothing. - Do you know her?- No, I don't...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Did you have sex with her behind my back?- Please stop shouting.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- She's nothing to me. - Well, then leave her alone.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- I want a million pesos. - You're going to have to start lower.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50OK, how low? Haggle with him, go for 35 pesos.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52How about 35 pesos?
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Hah, you think I'm stupid?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Put a nought on it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56- What?- 350.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- OK, 350 pesos.- Right.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01And I want a real fast car with shiny on it.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I don't think you're going to get your car. Ah.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Oh, don't do... Oh, dear.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Do you know how many hostage situations I've been in
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- that have ended in death?- No.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15362.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18But, you get over them, have an ice-cream sundae and get on with life.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24So, that's police work, kid. You ready for it?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Oi! Ladies, stop dicking around.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Yes, I've got a job for you.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Reese Witherspoon has been found murdered.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Is she dead?- No, no, no. Thank God. She's only been partially murdered.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Of course she's dead, you ten-foot prick.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Now get down as quick as you can to the art gallery.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Oh, is that the scene of the crime?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Yes, Sleet. Stop asking me stupid questions.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Now, quick as you can, yes? It sounds really nasty.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Why can't we just have something normal like a stabbing?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Are you ready for this, boy?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Yep.- To your feet.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Let's go...solve...a crime.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02We hotfooted it down to the crime scene.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Reese Witherspoon, owner of Successville's biggest
0:04:05 > 0:04:08chain of bars, had had her tab closed...
0:04:08 > 0:04:09permanently.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Well, well, well. Hello, Coxy.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Hey, Sleet. Good to see you.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Greg, this is Brian Cox...- Hi.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26..and he's an expert in symbols and shit.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Brian, this is Greg, he's an expert in...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Well, police.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36No, you're not an expert in policing, it's your first day.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Um...- Don't start writing cheques that your body can't cash, kid.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Sleet, we've got quite the amazing thing here.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48Reese Witherspoon has been killed but, this isn't just about murder.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50This goes deeper.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Come down...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55into the jungle.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56The what?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59So, your first dead body.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02It's a hell of a thing, kid.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Nothing can prepare you for seeing a dead body
0:05:05 > 0:05:07and the feelings it might arouse.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08I remember my first.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11It was a prostitute who'd been shot 72 times.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14GREG LAUGHS
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Would you still laugh if you heard that that prostitute was my mother?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24GREG CONTINUES TO LAUGH
0:05:27 > 0:05:29When you're quite finished laughing.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Are you finished laughing?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I'm so sorry. I'm so disrespectful to your... Sorry.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I haven't done this before. What's the...
0:05:43 > 0:05:44What is... What do you do?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Just go with your instinct and...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48just enjoy yourself.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49That's the main thing.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Take a really good look.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Go on, have a look, kid.- Yep.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55There she is.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Oh, my God.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58That's a grim one.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00She does look peaceful though.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Well, she's dead.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Tranquil.- All right, Brian.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Before we go any further, check her handbag.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10OK. Well,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12two leaflets.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15An Order of Service from the Church of the Actual Madonna.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16And what do we have here?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20"Virtue has a veil. Vice a mask."
0:06:20 > 0:06:23This goes deeper than I thought, riddle upon riddle.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Enigma upon enigma.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29It's amazing.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31It's not amazing, is it...?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Yeah, it's not really... He...everything's amazing to him.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36If you don't mind, Coxy, I'll leave you alone with
0:06:36 > 0:06:37your weirdness and your dead body.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I'll see you soon, old friend.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40- See you soon.- See ya.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Bye.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43This was a tough case.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Like a rundown fairground, there wasn't much to go on.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48We went with our only solid clue and headed to
0:06:48 > 0:06:53the Church of the Actual Madonna to talk to Reverend Gary Barlow.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Ah.- Well, hello, your highness.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I'm DI Sleet, Murder Successful Squad.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04This is my new partner, PC Greg James.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07We've got some questions about a murder. Mind if we...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- take a seat?- Of course, yes.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Would you like a cup of tea, perhaps?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh, that would be very nice.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Yes, please.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Here we are, Greg.- Thank you.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Short for?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Gregory.- Yes. Here we go.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- I never knew that it was short for Gregory.- Yeah.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Perhaps you'd care to say grace, Detective Sleet.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I'm sad to confess that I'm no Catholic.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33I worship a three-armed serpent by the name of Hebra.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36It's an angry and complicated religion that requires me
0:07:36 > 0:07:40to be partially circumcised and go around town kicking pigeons.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Yes, I have heard of it.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Well, perhaps if Greg doesn't mind, you could say grace.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50We say it over everything here, even cups of tea.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Barlow, we've got more important things to talk about,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55like those Jammie Dodgers.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Any chance of me getting in on that sweet action?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I'm afraid not, Detective.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Those Jammie Dodgers are there as a warning, a warning for me
0:08:02 > 0:08:06to never return to my gluttonous, fatty past.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Back in 1996, I ate a lot of those dodgers.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11They cast a spell over me.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"Eat me, Gary", they said. "Eat me!"
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"Eat me, Gary!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"Shove me in your mouth. Chomp!"
0:08:18 > 0:08:20"Swallow me down!"
0:08:23 > 0:08:24But I beat them.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Now, I keep them there as just a reminder to never become
0:08:27 > 0:08:29a fatty bastard again.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Oh, I'm thinking of jazzing up a couple of the hymns.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Would you indulge me?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Absolutely.- I've got a smashing idea for a contemporary
0:08:37 > 0:08:40reworking of All Things Bright And Beautiful.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- Do you know it, Greg?- I do know it.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- You do know it?- I know the first bit, yeah.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47OK. All right, well, that's all we need. Let's give it a go then.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48# All things bright and... #
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Bit higher. It's a very high version, if you could.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Can you give me the note.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54All... but a lot higher than that.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55- All.- All.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- All.- Little bit higher.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- All.- Little bit higher.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02All.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04# All things bright and beau... #
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Lower.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11# ..tiful, all creatures great and small. #
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Very good, now could we try it a little bit more...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I suppose you'd say, urban.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I'm not very urban.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Could you try jungle?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- Try a jungle one. - I've heard it's massive.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I'd actually like to hear that, weirdly.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30GREG STARTS TO BEATBOX
0:09:30 > 0:09:33HE RAPS: All things bright and beautiful.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Bit edgier.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37IN JAMAICAN ACCENT: All creatures great and small.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Oh, very nice. Could you go more Jamaican?
0:09:38 > 0:09:43All things wise and won-der-ful The Lord God made them all.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- GREG BEATBOXES - Very good.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Well, I didn't come here for recitals, Barlow,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I came here to ask some questions.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Reese Witherspoon's been murdered
0:09:52 > 0:09:55and this was found in her possession.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Reese Witherspoon.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Oh, that poor girl.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01She was a gambling addict, you know that?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Been going on for years.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05She was up to her ears in debt.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Damn it to hell, I hate gambling, I hate it so.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Not as much as I hate it, Sleet.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I bet I hate it more.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Ask about the flyer, boy.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13We found this flyer in...
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Ah, say it in a more...tough way.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23DEEP VOICE: We found this flyer, in Reese's handbag.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25What do you know about it?
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Let's have a look.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- No, no.- OK.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Well, I...
0:10:30 > 0:10:31"Virtue has a veil."
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Ooh, it looks very grim stuff to me.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Well, I haven't seen that flyer before, especially
0:10:37 > 0:10:42but, there was a fellow who came in to confession about a month ago.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46He confessed to being part of some kind of a cult.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I don't remember everything he said, he was talking very fast.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51He was rather het up.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54But he said that this cult is trying to wipe out
0:10:54 > 0:10:56all vices in Successville.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58If you wipe out all vices from Successville,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02how are people going to hold things steady on work benches?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05No, vices, as in fornication, drinking, gambling.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07That actually makes more sense. Make a note of that, boy.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Anyway, I better be off.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Confessions are starting in a minute and if I don't get in there,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16they'll muck up that booth, the dirty bastards.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Whoa! Thank you, your highness.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It's been educational and religious.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Thank you. Lovely to see you.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Best of luck with the case.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I hope you get whoever's done this terrible, terrible thing
0:11:28 > 0:11:31and thanks for the jungle, it was very enlightening.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34See you in a bit, Jeez. Bye, guys.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I'd showed Greg how I handled death and murder suspects.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41It was now time to show him how I handled something really terrifying.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44This is where the love of my life resides,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46in the flat above the shops.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Helen loved me so much she...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51couldn't stand to be around me.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54It burnt her up inside, so she'd often lock me out of the flat,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56or kick me away.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I might give her a phone call, speak to her.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Is that OK with you?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- Now?- Yeah, now. That OK?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Does she mind you calling her?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Well, I've got a new number, so she probably won't know it's me.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Here we go. - LINE RINGS
0:12:14 > 0:12:17What?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19GREG LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I'm uncomfortable with this. I shouldn't...
0:12:22 > 0:12:23'Hello?'
0:12:23 > 0:12:26'Hello?'
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Abort, abort. Who the hell was that? - PHONE RINGS
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Wait there, wait there, they're calling back.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Oh, Christ, don't answer.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Oh, no, if we don't answer it's going to go straight to voicemail.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36We need to answer. Right, you answer.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- I don't want to, I don't want to answer.- Answer.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- Pretend your name is Wilson Cobb, you're a...- Who?- Wilson Cobb.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43You're a travelling salesman, going round the country,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45buying odds and sods from people.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- Are you OK with this? - No-one does that.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You're going to have to do it now.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- 'Who is this?'- Hello.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- 'Hello?'- Hello.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Yeah, it's... this is Wilson Cobb calling.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00'Why did you call me and hang up?'
0:13:01 > 0:13:04It's cold, I've got very jittery fingers.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Sorry. SLEET MOUTHS
0:13:06 > 0:13:08'What did you say your name was? Wilson Cobb?'
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Wilson Cobb. Unbelievably, that is my name.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13(Explain what you do.)
0:13:13 > 0:13:15INAUDIBLE SPEECH ON PHONE
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I'm actually a travelling...
0:13:17 > 0:13:19buyer.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23'OK, OK, listen, you might well be doing me a favour now, Wilson.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27'I'm living with a new bit of skirt at the moment
0:13:27 > 0:13:30'and her ex-husband's rubbish is all over the place, yeah?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32'I need to get rid of it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35'I was thinking about burning it all, but if I can make a few quid...
0:13:35 > 0:13:37'Why not? Do you want it?'
0:13:37 > 0:13:40What have you... what have you... sorry, what I... What have you got?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43'I have got a drawing of a duck holding a present.'
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- Oh, yeah, I did that. - A duck holding a present?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Yeah, that's my drawing.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49What did you draw that...?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51'What are you giggling about, Wilson?'
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I saw it. Once I was just walking down the street
0:13:53 > 0:13:57and I saw a duck holding a present and I really just...
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I took a picture and then I drew it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- It's a beautiful piece of art. - 'Hello? Hello?'
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Wait, you took a photo of it first and then you took it home
0:14:04 > 0:14:05and drew a picture of it?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- Yes.- 'Hello?'
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Say you want it, it's a very good piece of art.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14I, I... Does it, sorry, does it come with the original photograph?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18'No, my friend. It's all I have. There's no photo with it.'
0:14:18 > 0:14:20OK. He's got the original, not the negatives.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22'It's not a bad picture of a duck, actually,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24'if it's the kind of thing you're looking for.'
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Yeah, we definitely want that. - Yeah, definitely want that, please.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32'Well, good. I've got an antique robot.'
0:14:32 > 0:14:35(That's Kevin, that's Kevin. I need him. Ask him... ask how he is.)
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- 'It's an antique robot.'- How is... how is he?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40'What do you mean, how is he?'
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Working? Is he... what condition is he in?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45'Well, no, he can't walk any more and he's got a few scuffs.'
0:14:45 > 0:14:49DI SLEET WHISPERS INAUDIBLY
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Well, what do you mean? What do you mean scuffs?- What's happened to him?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56'Well, he's got some dents. I was kicking him around one day...'
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Why were you kicking him? - Kicking him?!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00'That's neither here nor there, Wilson Cobb.'
0:15:00 > 0:15:03You fucking piece of shit. You piece of shit!
0:15:03 > 0:15:04You piece of shit!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07'Who is this big, useless piece of shit, now?'
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Yeah, I'm here too. You leave my wife alone.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Leave her alone.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14She doesn't love you, she loves me.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- 'Eh?'- She loves me, not you.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18'I'm coming outside the house right now.'
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Abort, abort. Get outta here.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Back to the case in hand.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30So, Reese was up to her kazoonas in gambling debt.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33By my reckoning, that made casino kingpin Justin Bieber
0:15:33 > 0:15:36an odds-on suspect.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Bingo.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Well, well, well.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42If it isn't Mr Big, Justin Bieber.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43That's right.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47I looked at the weather report, you know what it said?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Sleet. I guess it was right.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Who's this, your girlfriend? - Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I just wondered if you were together.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56He's a tough guy, straight out of police school. He means business.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I'm going to have to hold him back before he kicks someone's arse...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Yeah, looks like it. Hey, the table's new.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- What is this? - So, what have we got here?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Whoa! That's private, that's for my office. Those are my accounts.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Yeah, really? Makes for an interesting read.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- What were you doin' in my office? - I took a big shit in your office.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Why would you take a shit in my office?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I couldn't find the toilet.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Now, listen to this.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- You're in here quite a lot. - Oh, yeah, he owes me a lot of money.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I'm a good customer.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26OK, Reese Witherspoon owes £20,000 casino debt,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28account terminated,
0:16:28 > 0:16:29skull and crossbone emoji.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Bingo.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Emoji? Where did you get that word from, huh? It's cos she's dead.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I'm going to put skull and crossbones cos she's dead, right?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Do you know anything about these? Ring any bells, J-man?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Oh, my goodness. These are... Some guy's been giving them to my customers...
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Why don't you tell her where we've seen these before?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47These were in Reese Witherspoon's handbag.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49What was that all about, it was a bit camp and weird?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- It was quite strange. - I was making a point.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Yeah, but do it really macho, cos that was a bit...
0:16:53 > 0:16:54You didn't look tough.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57These were in Reese Witherspoon's handbag.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Looks like you're going to shit yourself.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Yeah, that was really good. That was tough.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- And if I did, I'd go do it in your office.- Get out of here.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Show her we mean business.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Throw those up in the air like you really mean it.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08This is what you're dealing with.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11You want the big stuff, it's raining, it's raining justice.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13You better get an umbrella,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16cos I'm coming back and I'm bringing the law with me.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Say something cool.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19DEEP VOICE: I'll see you later, alligator.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Why are you doing it in that voice? What's that supposed to mean?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23"Later, alligator"...? What am I, six?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Were you taking the mick from me there?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Did that come across like he was taking the mick from me?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Yeah, completely, it's like he took your voice...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Yeah, I know what he did, Justin. Come on, boy.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Sleet, I'll see you next week for tennis.- See you there.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- All right.- I just got caught in the moment.- Yeah, I know you did.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Taking the piss out of my fucking voice.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42No murder motive stank as much as making money.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Witherspoon's biggest business rival was one Mary Berry
0:17:45 > 0:17:48and this pretty kitty had claws.
0:17:48 > 0:17:54JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Oh, my God, what's this?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Pull yourself together.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Close your mouth.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01You never seen a big dick before?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Oi! Cliff, Marcus.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04SHE CLAPS
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Thank you, darlings, less of the chitchat please.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Ah, darling Sleet.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Your usual booth?
0:18:10 > 0:18:14No, I'll take a pew right here, if that's all right, Mary.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Hey, droopy nipples.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Fetch Detective Sleet his usual cocktail.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23That won't be necessary, I'm here on business.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Hmm, who's the chicken?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28You do like them young, don't you?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I...don't know what she means by that.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34This is Greg James. He's new to the force.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Greg, Mary Berry.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Hi, Mary.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Don't be afraid to stare, Greg.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45We're in the staring business around here.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49I expect you've got an erection like a miniature Toblerone right now,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51haven't you, Greg?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Hey, let's not start comparing his erection
0:18:53 > 0:18:56to the size of various chocolate bars.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59He's a good kid from a nice part of town.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00OK, Mary Berry, come on.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04So, what's on your mind, Sleet?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Reese Witherspoon is dead.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Yes, so I heard. Can't say I'm upset.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Those Witherspoon bars were luring away my customers.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13With Witherspoon out of the way,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16this place might just stand a chance.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20You're a cold-hearted piece of shit, Mary.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22GREG LAUGHS
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Something funny, Greg?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26No, sorry, I was just thinking of Toblerones.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28How about you keep your mind on the case?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Ah, here's your cocktails.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34I must say it's very hospitable of you to give us both a drink.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Oh, God.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Most murder suspects aren't quite as lovely.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Well, hold the horses.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Is that Barry Walnut?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46How long's he been back in town?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Why don't you go and ask him?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Well, maybe I will.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Listen, kid.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I'm going to leave you here with Mary.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Just try and get some answers out of her.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Thank you for the drink.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Hey, come on.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Now, what was it you wanted to ask me?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07It's some questions about the murder.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Oh, before we do, why don't you stand up for me?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Let me take a look at you. I love a man in uniform.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Don't be shy, that's wonderful.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Now, just do a little twirl. That's it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Do a little twirl, get those shy little hips moving.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21That's right.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Now, show me if you can touch your toes.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Touch your toes.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28That's a good boy, that's wonderful.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31And while you're there, you can go all the way down, come on,
0:20:31 > 0:20:32bend your knees.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34That's lovely.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39You wanted to ask me something.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- Yes, I do, it's a question. - What the hell's going on here?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Katie! Get to your feet, have some dignity.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Did you ask the question?- I didn't get a chance, she made me dance.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55Hey, I don't want to hear your life story. Get the question out, boy.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Where were you on the night of the murder?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Well, I was in here, like I always am.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Maybe you'd like to explain these?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Ah, yes.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Some lunatic has been placing those on every table in here.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Apparently, it's some anti-sin cult.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Now, look, I'm a very busy lady
0:21:13 > 0:21:17so, if you've no further questions then I'd ask you to leave.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Hey, Greg. Why don't we say goodbye the old-fashioned way?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I'll see you later, Mary Berry.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Hey, why do you keep doing it in my voice?- I don't...
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Just do it in your own voice.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28It sounds like you're doing an impression of me in front of Mary.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Oh, fuck off, gay boys.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Come on. You completely ruined that moment.- I'm sorry.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I hope you're proud of yourself. I really do.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Get off me. We'll talk about this in the car.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I'm absolutely furious with you.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45TENSE MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I sent Greg to talk to a street weasel informer
0:21:48 > 0:21:50while I made an important phone call.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Yeah, I mean it did say three for the price of two
0:21:53 > 0:21:56and I was hoping to eat three pizzas.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Hello?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Hello, I'm looking for Dynamo.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Who's asking?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Sorry, I'm a policeman, I'm Greg James.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23OK. Why don't you basically tell me why you're here?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27I want to know what you know about the murder of Reese Witherspoon.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28OK.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31So, I do know some stuff about that and I'm going to tell you,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33but I'm going to have to tell you
0:22:33 > 0:22:35through the power of psychic transference.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38So, what I need you to do is just to sort of like, open your mind
0:22:38 > 0:22:41and close your legs...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43and now close your eyes.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45OK, and just...
0:22:45 > 0:22:48it'll just happen through psychic transference basically.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55(Dynamo's coming.)
0:22:55 > 0:22:59(His spirit is in the air.)
0:22:59 > 0:23:01(Like a little girl, he speaks in your dreams.)
0:23:03 > 0:23:08(He basically says that the cult are meeting in the woods at nine.)
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Whoa, God!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Jesus Christ.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13What? Who's meeting in the woods at nine?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I don't know. I don't know, I didn't hear... Did you hear that?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18You said it.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19No.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Yeah.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22OK. So, as a final thing,
0:23:22 > 0:23:26just tell everybody what card are you thinking of?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- What, what?- What card?
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Like a playing card?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Yes, like a playing card. Jesus Christ, Greg.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Three of hearts.- No. Next one.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Ace...- No, next one along from three of hearts.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- The four of hearts. - Exactly. Thank you.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45What do you mean, "thank you"?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Thank you very much. I'm grateful.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02We were certain that the cult leader was our killer, but who was it?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Barlow, Bieber or Berry?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07My watch said justice o'clock.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09THEY CHANT Oh, my God, what is this?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Shh, pretty boy, shush.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17THEY CONTINUE TO CHANT
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Looks like all roads lead to Weirdsville, kid.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Any money that the leader of these freaks is responsible
0:24:25 > 0:24:28for the killing of Reese Witherspoon.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30A...gui...le...ra...
0:24:30 > 0:24:32You'll have to go in there, kid. Be one of them.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Huh?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35You're going to have to go in there.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Mirror every move that they make.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42At the opportune moment, I'll make a sound
0:24:42 > 0:24:44and you'll know I'm coming.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47OK, kid, let's go solve a...
0:24:47 > 0:24:48- Crime.- Yes.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Go get them, baby boy.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00A...gui...le...ra.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05A...gui...le...ra.
0:25:05 > 0:25:11A...gui...le...ra.
0:25:11 > 0:25:17A...gui...le...ra.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21A...gui...le...ra.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Silence. Sacred staffs to the side.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I accidentally left mine on the train.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I'm very sorry.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37It won't happen again.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You'll have to go to lost property.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Yep.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45And now the offerings.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Proceed to the altar.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57TENSE MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Sorry, guys, is it height order or...?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Shuffle complete.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12And now, the sacrifice.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo. - Freeze, mother-loaders!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17On your knees.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Yeah, you know who I am.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21We don't know.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25I'm DI Sleet, and this isn't one of your freakazoids.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27This is my partner.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Introduce yourself, kid.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30I'm Greg James.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- PC Greg James.- PC Greg James.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Yeah, that's right. You bunch of freaky weirdos.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39We were on to you all along. Yeah, we're the law.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Say something cool.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Yeah, we're going to fuck you up.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- Yeah.- Maybe.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48OK, kid. Who do you think the leader is?
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Behind that mask...
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- I think it's Gary Barlow.- Why?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57He was really weird when we met him and he...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59he doesn't like vices,
0:26:59 > 0:27:00he doesn't like gambling.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02He doesn't like stripping
0:27:02 > 0:27:04and that's why,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Gary Barlow killed Reese Witherspoon.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09(Tell him to unveil himself, boy.)
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Take off that mask, Gary Barlow.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17TENSE MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Dah!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Well played, Detective.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26Yes, I killed the dirty, gambling hussy.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29This town is riddled with vice.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I had to take control,
0:27:31 > 0:27:36cos when little boys don't take control, then they become fat.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Fat Gary! Eat me!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- Eat me!- Shut up, fatso!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Bravo! Bravo, Greg. Officers, seize that man.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Yes, Greg, I'll be honest with you.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51When you walked into my office, yesterday morning,
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I thought you were the most useless sack of shit
0:27:53 > 0:27:54I'd ever seen in my life.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57But today, you just pulled the bollock out of the bag.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Yes, of course it was Gary Barlow. Yes, why?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Because he was the one who had the motive.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04He wanted to rid the town of sin.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- I hate gambling. - Not as much as I hate it, Sleet.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Yes, and the crucial piece of information
0:28:09 > 0:28:12which you obviously noticed, yes?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Was the red writing paper in his office.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Yes?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19- Yeah.- Yeah, yeah, we noticed. - That was the clincher for me.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- You noticed that?- Yeah.- We both did.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Good boy. You did well.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Young man, you've got a promotion.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26- I'm proud of you, big boy.- Hey!
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Chief, how about we get a curry and a pint to toast Greg's good news.
0:28:30 > 0:28:35Love to, Sleet, but I'm afraid I'll be taking a rather large shit.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Maybe another time.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37I'll hold you to that.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Hey, Greg, you've earned that.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Thank you.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Come on, boy. Let's go get a drink.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46MUSIC: When The Going Gets Tough by Billy Ocean
0:28:48 > 0:28:52# I've got something to tell you
0:28:52 > 0:28:55# I've got something to say
0:28:55 > 0:28:59# I'm gonna put this wheel in motion
0:28:59 > 0:29:02# Never let nothing stand in my way
0:29:02 > 0:29:06# When the going gets tough
0:29:06 > 0:29:09# The tough get going
0:29:09 > 0:29:14# I'm gonna get myself 'cross the river... #