0:00:07 > 0:00:10I'm Deborah Meaden. I'm usually in Dragons' Den,
0:00:10 > 0:00:12but today I'm in my own murder mystery. I've got no idea
0:00:12 > 0:00:14who has been murdered, who the suspects are,
0:00:14 > 0:00:16in fact, what's going to happen to me.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Um... So, wish me luck, I'm off to Successville.
0:00:19 > 0:00:25This programme contains some strong language
0:00:25 > 0:00:27'Welcome to Successville,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29'a town full of celebrities.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33'Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law,
0:00:33 > 0:00:38'and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42'I'm DI Sleet, homicide - lover, fighter,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46'husband to an ex-wife, father to a bunch of weird looking kids
0:00:46 > 0:00:49'and seafood enthusiast.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50'Mmm, cockles.'
0:01:12 > 0:01:13What the hell are you doing?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I was just having a cat wash, sir.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Cat wash? What's a cat wash?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Well, it's just where you haven't had chance to shower
0:01:20 > 0:01:23so you get a wet wipe and clean the old nuts and bolts.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25You look like shit.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Oh, is that a real rookie out there?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Yes, yes, of course.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Deborah, young lady, quick as you can inside...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35and meet DI Sleet.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37He'll be... You two can...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Uh-uh-uh-uh, take a seat, Ms Meaden.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48HE BANGS DRAWERS Oh, Jesus!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I'm going to take you through a series of ink blots.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- That's a butterfly. - This isn't a butterfly,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58this is a guy with no fingers.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- So it's a fingerless guy...- Yeah. - ..with his... No, that's a butterfly.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03It's not, it's a guy with no fingers.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Were you there, were you there when this was taken?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07When you say that was taken, that's a photograph, is it?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Were you there when the ink blot was done?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11That wasn't taken, that's an ink splot.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13OK, Meaden, were you there when this was done?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- I wasn't.- I was there.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- I cut his fingers off. This is a guy's palms.- Oh.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- OK?- Yeah.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That's a...that's dancers.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- This is my cousin Alistair's penis and balls.- Oh.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Yeah, we covered it in ink when he was asleep one time,
0:02:30 > 0:02:31- we just rubbed it on a bit of card. - Oh.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I don't... No, I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36I don't...I don't think
0:02:36 > 0:02:38when somebody shows you an ink blot you can get it wrong.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Yes, you can.- It's not a right or wrong.- It's a guessing game.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- No, no, it's not a right or wrong, is it?- Meaden, here we go.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I'm going to throw you into the deep end cos I...
0:02:46 > 0:02:48you're such a know all, you know everything better than me.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49How do you think you'd deal
0:02:49 > 0:02:52if someone tried to jump off a building?
0:02:52 > 0:02:53You'd talk them down.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Really? You think you can do that, do you? Yeah?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Let's see how good Deborah Meaden really is.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05My name's Jane Horrocks, I'm a local beekeeper, down on my luck.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07You've got to talk me down from a big building I'm going to
0:03:07 > 0:03:09jump from.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Jane, get off the building now.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I can't go on like this!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Now!- My bees farm!
0:03:15 > 0:03:19How is you jumping off a building going to make your bees...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Cos no-one loves me!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23How selfish, your bees love you, don't they?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27No-one loves... No, they don't. They don't come to my farm any more.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29So you're not a beekeeper?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- I used to be. - You used to be a beekeeper?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I used to... Meaden, don't be clever...
0:03:34 > 0:03:35SHE GIGGLES
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I'm doing it, I'm jumping, I'm going!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41What the hell is going on-n-n-n?!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Argh, just a suicide exercise, sir.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Oh, fuck me, let him jump, yes, and let me get on with my day.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- That'll do, pig.- What?- We'll move on.- Did you just call me pig?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- It's just a police term, it's a bit of slang.- Oh, really.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- I didn't mean anything by it, it was just...- How we doing? Good?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Yes, no, great.- Not really. - No?
0:03:59 > 0:04:00- No.- Right.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- We haven't really, I haven't learnt anything yet.- No, well
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- What do you...- That's not surprising, no-one does with him.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- OK.- He's absolutely useless.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Thanks, Meaden.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I suppose you're here to set us up with a murder, sir?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Afraid not. Erm, there's no homicide.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Well, what the hell are we supposed to do?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19If you could, I'd like you to get your arse up to Marsden Grange,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- please.- Lady Gaga's place?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Well, clap, clap, fucking clap, Detective, yes.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29Somebody apparently has broken in and cut Lady Gaga's topiary
0:04:29 > 0:04:30hedges into giant cocks.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Quick as you can, get up there, and take Tinkerbell with you.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Sorry, did he just call me Tinkerbell?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38What's wrong with the name Tinkerbell?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- It's not my name for a start. - What would you want to be called?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Deborah would be good. - We'll call you Deborah...
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- What would you like me to call you? - Sir.- Sir?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- I'll call you sir, you call me Deborah, I'll call you sir.- OK.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Is it a deal?- Yeah, oh...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Argh! Yes, it's a deal!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Come on, let's go.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I suppose you want me to open the door for you?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- That would be lovely. - Maybe I should clean your shoes too?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Oh, now there's a good idea.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Grrr!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Marsden Grange.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09The biggest pile in Successville.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Gaga's butler Jay Z showed us in.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Hey yo, Lady Gaga, you have guests.- Oh!- Yeah!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Thank you, hello.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Well, I'm sure you know where their coats go by now.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Yeah.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25No, that...that is not where the guests' coats go,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27we've talked about this, remember?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30It's all part of the... we...you... Thank you.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Hello, welcome, please do sit down. Welcome.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Thank you for your hospitality, Miss.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Not at all. Ah, what a pleasure to have guests.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41HE LAUGHS
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- I'm DI Sleet.- DI Sleet.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- From Murder Squad, Successville. - Wonderful.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48This...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50is my...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52partner.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- (Introduce yourself.) - I'm Deborah, hi.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Is she speaking? - Sorry, sorry, it's Deborah!
0:05:57 > 0:05:58- Deborah?- Deborah.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Beautiful name.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02We're here about the giant bush cocks.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Oh, the bush cocks in the garden, what a fiasco it's been.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- We were just saying, me and Deborah...- Yes.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11..what a lovely home you have.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Oh, this old thing?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13THEY LAUGH
0:06:13 > 0:06:16This is only what I live in when I don't know where to live.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19THEY LAUGH
0:06:19 > 0:06:22(Any chance we could ask her some questions? Do you think?)
0:06:22 > 0:06:24(Ah, well, we'll just let it... we'll give it a sec.)
0:06:24 > 0:06:27SHE CHOKES
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Is she all right?
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Er...
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Is...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Just as I thought, she's dead.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59My money's on that soup.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Lucky enough, I brought along my poison kit.- Oh.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Meaden, are you OK to take a sample from the...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Have a go...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Deborah Meaden.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Beautiful.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21What are you doing?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Is that a good idea?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25HE CHOKES
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Er.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28HE RETCHES
0:07:28 > 0:07:31HE LAUGHS
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Oh, don't, I thought you were going to make my day.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35What's that supposed to mean?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38No, I'm not, I'm joking. I'm warming to you.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42That's very nice of you but, just as I assumed,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44there's poison in this.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47What we've got here is manchiboo powder.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Make a note of it.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51There's only one place you can get this...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53the Gallipogi Islands.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54The Galapagos Islands?
0:07:56 > 0:07:57- Yes.- The Galapagos Islands.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- That's it, the Galapagos Islands. - OK.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02What do we have down there?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Well...
0:08:04 > 0:08:06we actually have...
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- What is that?- Oh, my goodness, we have a last will and testament
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- of Lady Gaga.- Bingo.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Read it out.
0:08:19 > 0:08:24"I hereby declare that my entire £5.8 million
0:08:24 > 0:08:26"inheritance goes to my niece
0:08:26 > 0:08:30"Lady Cheryl Fernandez-Versini".
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Very interesting.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Listen, my sweet angel,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36it's time these two little piggies
0:08:36 > 0:08:39went to the market.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40- Two things wrong with that. - What?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"Sweet angel", and "little piggies".
0:08:42 > 0:08:46OK, what's your problem being called "sweet angel"? That's affectionate.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49It's affectionate and ever so slightly patronising.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Come on, let's go.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54You're turning out to be quite a pain in the behind at times, Meaden.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57'Bingo! A good old-fashioned murder mystery
0:08:57 > 0:09:01'with all the suspects under one roof.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03'First up, Gaga's live-in niece,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06'Lady Cheryl Veranda-Pernini.'
0:09:07 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Wow! You want to see what's coming down the stairs.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- What?- She looks good.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21It doesn't matter what she looks like.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Don't make me get up, I've got a massive boner.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26DI Sleet, I didn't know you was here.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Well...hello.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Pleasure.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38This is...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40my new partner, Deborah Meaden.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- Pleasure to meet you. - And you.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Well, so nice to see youse both, would you join us for some tea?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48We'd love to.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Ah!
0:09:52 > 0:09:56May I start by lowering the tone...
0:09:56 > 0:09:58and offering my deepest
0:09:58 > 0:10:00apologies about the murder of your
0:10:00 > 0:10:02beautiful and luscious auntie?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05She was just everything to us, you know what I mean?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07She's been so much.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Oh, of course she has, get over here you.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Have a little cry. - SHE SOBS
0:10:12 > 0:10:14(Stop it! Stop it!)
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Oh, Sleet.- It's OK.- Oh, Sleet.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Cry now, cry. That's it.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I know exactly how you feel.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26It's been really, really hard and I just, to be honest, I was
0:10:26 > 0:10:28so happy when I found out DI Sleet was investigating.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30So how do you know each other?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Well, we met...- We met...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35THEY LAUGH
0:10:35 > 0:10:37It was such a long time ago.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Oh, it was, but...- Just one second.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh, of course, I'll just look over here.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45How do you know these people?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48(Listen, Meaden, I have fancied Cheryl for quite some time,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50(and I'm actually getting somewhere here...)
0:10:50 > 0:10:53She is all over you for a reason.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- What's the reason? Cos she thinks I'm sexy.- No, no.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Sleet, I didn't realise that you was together with Deborah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04HE LAUGHS
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Oh, no!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10HE CONTINUES TO LAUGH
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- We are not together.- Oh, I see. - We're not a couple.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I thought cos, like, a lovers' tiff.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Maybe if I was drunk.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Maybe if I was blind.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21SHE LAUGHS
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- No, you've misread that.- Cheryl.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Ah, please, call us Chezza.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Oh, really?- Aye. - That's nice of you.- That's fine.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31THEY LAUGH
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Oh, someone's been working out.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Well, I like to pump iron.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Ah, that's all you pump, is it? - HE LAUGHS
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- You're cheeky.- Cheryl, have you been on holiday recently?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Me?- Yeah.- Oh, no, I don't really travel, man,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46don't have the time or the money, do you know what I mean?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I mean, I'd love to travel.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50People always say, like, if you don't travel it's like living
0:11:50 > 0:11:54life like a book that you haven't opened, and I guess it's
0:11:54 > 0:11:58like reading the contents of a book but not getting past the first page.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Yeah, heard exactly what you said and I respect that.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05What exactly did Cheryl just say?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07She said something about travelling.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10So, have you seen Lady Gaga's will?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I just want to remember her for the beautiful woman that she was,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I didn't know anything about the will.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Forgive my friend, who's...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Who's the only sensible one in the room.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22(Listen, you're talking to her like it's one of your friends.)
0:12:22 > 0:12:25You need to get those rosy tinted glasses off your face
0:12:25 > 0:12:26and ask her some questions.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28She is a murder suspect.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30OK, you want me to play tough, let's play tough.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Read out the will.- All right. Hmm.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34- Read it out.- Mmm-hmm.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36But don't tell her I told you to do this.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I don't know if anyone's ever told you this,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- but you are simply delicious. - Ah, stop it, man.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"I hereby declare that my entire
0:12:45 > 0:12:48"£5.8 million inheritance
0:12:48 > 0:12:50"goes to...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- "my niece."- I'm so shocked, I had no idea, I thought
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- she was going to leave it all to the butler.- Why the butler?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Well, he was so loyal to her, she loved him, man.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01No, it's you who has won the dead woman lottery.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03You have come up trumps.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05We'd better be going, there's a...
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I'm very tired, I'm so sorry, I... It's a really difficult time.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Will you need a hand getting into your bed?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11No, she's absolutely fine.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I think I'll be OK. Tonight, I need to be alone.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15But maybe tomorrow.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Well, I'll take that as a promise.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Thank you for all your help in the case.- No...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22you've both been absolutely amazing.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- It's a real pleasure to meet ya, Deborah.- That's lovely, thank you.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Thank you, the pleasure was all mine.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Take care, Sleet.- Oh, you take care.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Think of me.- Yes, we will.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Did you want some buns? - Oh, they're for Deborah.- Oh, right.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45If I don't feed her every couple of hours, she gets very tetchy.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50It was very interesting, wasn't it?
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Was it? Exactly what did you learn?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55What I learned is this, Meaden. You...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57can get very jealous.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58SHE LAUGHS
0:14:00 > 0:14:03As dusk fell, the murderer was still under this very roof.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06We had to stay close, very close.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Well.- Uh, Meaden, please,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10would you indulge an old friend?
0:14:11 > 0:14:12I'm not sure.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I don't mean anything perverse or naughty,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17what I was meaning is,
0:14:17 > 0:14:20have I ever told you about the last few
0:14:20 > 0:14:22months of my marriage to my wife Helen?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25N...no. BRRT!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Was that you, was that you or the bed?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- No, no, it was me! - Was it?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31That was... SHE LAUGHS
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Was that...that was you? Well, let's keep...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Yeah, well, that's it, that...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Let's leave the covers where they lay just for a little bit.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Let's let that thing work its way out down the bottom of the bed.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44SHE LAUGHS
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Anyway, the story.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Yes, back to the story.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Helen couldn't stand being with me any more.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I don't know why.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59You know, I became homeless, I was living on a park bench.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03And one day I was taking a shit next to a badger's hole.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05This badger, he was
0:15:05 > 0:15:07just sitting there, and I was...
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I wiped my bum and I pulled up my pants,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12and he looked at me and he said,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- IN AMERICAN ACCENT: - "What are you doing with your life?"
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- Was he American? - Yeah, he was American.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- American badger.- Yep.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23So I pulled up my socks and I went out there
0:15:23 > 0:15:25and I got a job in the police,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28and every day, I think about that badger.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32So I went back to see him about three months back.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Guess what I found.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Some houses.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Someone had built houses on the badger's hole.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I then started really crying and then I smashed
0:15:42 > 0:15:46some stuff in their garden and they called the police and I ran away.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Well, erm...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54What...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Is that the end?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00But, yeah, I mean, the end is, why won't anyone love me?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Are there any other bedrooms in this place?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- No, this is the only one. - But you normally sleep in a car,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08are you not more comfortable not sleeping in a bed?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Well, I thought, how often do you get the chance to sleep in a bed?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13And then I gave half of the bed to you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Something I'm slightly regretting now,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18since you've been sitting here farting.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23No. That wasn't me, though, was it, really?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Yes, well, they who smelt it, dealt it.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- He who denied it, supplied it. - I didn't deny it, you just did.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29You just turned me into a seven-year-old!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32First of all you smelt it, then you denied it.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35These are two bits of evidence that would suggest that you,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Deborah Meaden, were the one who farted...
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Hold on a minute, hold on a minute. I am 55 years old.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42And you're sitting in bed with a man...
0:16:42 > 0:16:46I'm a grown-up and I can choose what I do with my life.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49OK, Meaden, shall we try to get some sleep?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Uh-uh. - Would you like to sing me a lullaby?
0:16:51 > 0:16:56No. No, and to be fair, your story was pretty rubbish.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59It ended with a dead badger on a housing estate
0:16:59 > 0:17:01and you smashing things in other people's gardens.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Oh, well, so be it.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Well, Meaden, let's try and get some sleep.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08OK. Have you got a spare pillow?
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Oh, for crying out loud.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Just do that.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Thank you.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20PHHFFFRRT!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Oh, Meaden! - That was you!
0:17:25 > 0:17:29'After a generous continental breakfast, we met our next suspect,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31'Gaga's house guest,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34'retired Scoutmaster Boris Johnson.'
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Hello, Johnson.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43So it's true what they're all saying -
0:17:43 > 0:17:45she's dead, isn't she?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48No, no, she's fine, she's never been in better health.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Lady Gaga is alive!
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Oh, no, not Lady Gaga, she's as dead as disco.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I thought you meant Enid Pickles,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58an old friend of mine who works at the Post Office.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00An easy mistake to make.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Bloody, bloody, bloody hell!
0:18:03 > 0:18:07One moment you think everything's terrific,
0:18:07 > 0:18:12then something like this comes along and knocks you for bloody six.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I know, you senile old geezer.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Oh, this, by the way, is Deborah Meaden.- Hello.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21My new sidekick. Or call her Debbie or Debs if that's easier.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Deborah would be lovely, thank you.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25What larks!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Did you used to be a Scout, like me?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Oh... Oh, so this is a Scout uniform?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Yeah.- Ah, OK, I've never been a Scout, because I'm a girl.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- Oh, really?- Mmm.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Oh, oh.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Because I love being a Scout, cos you know, the adventure
0:18:41 > 0:18:45and the, you know, the, er...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48the, er...the woggle.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- The woggle, of course. - The woggle. The woggle.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53All right, that's enough of the Kumbaya shit.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56We're here about murder!
0:18:56 > 0:19:01Oh, good. I thought the world of her, she was a terrific girl
0:19:01 > 0:19:03and I suppose you ought to know,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06I was going to ask her to marry me.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Oh, dammit!
0:19:07 > 0:19:11This weekend, and I'm sure she would have said yes.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I don't know what to do, you know, with the grief.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14If I was you, old friend,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I'd... I don't know, take a shit tonne of drugs,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20cocaine, ketamine, might put a smile on your face.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23That is the worst piece of advice I've heard for a grieving individual.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Meaden, shut up.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27She's a cheeky little boy, isn't she?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Yes, she's a cheeky little fella. Thailand's a good place to go.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- But...- They're open minded. Have you been to Thailand?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Perhaps we could start asking about the murder?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Right, you... Who is running this operation?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- You are teaching me. - Oh, you want to learn?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- I'm looking, you are the detective. - OK, you want to learn.- You just...
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Right, Johnson, had you and Gaga had sex before?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- We... Well, imaginary... - Had you had sex before?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- No, just... - Had you had sex before?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- No, we were just touching. - HAD YOU HAD SEX BEFORE?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Touching outside clothes. - Had you done it? Had you made love?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Have you had sex? - No. No.- Good.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Write that - no, they didn't have sex.- No.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Meaden, take him for a walk. Please.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Would you mind giving me a quick push and then...
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Go on, Meaden, you can do it. - There's a good lad.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13There's a good lad, just down there, there's a good boy.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Yes, good boy.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Girl.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- Boy.- Girl.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Boy. Stop!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Hey, look what I found in his bag.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Some ham and mustard sandwiches.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31There's also some other interesting things. A letter.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Oh, no, OK, hold on. - What the hell's this, what is this?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36That's a monocle.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40If it's got a prescription lens in it, it's bound to be...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Hold on a minute, you can't just take his stuff.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Read the letter, Meaden.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54"My dear Colonel, I know you intend to ask for my hand.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58"I implore you to resist that urge,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"for you will only be disappointed."
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Well, looks like old Lady Gaga is what
0:21:03 > 0:21:07we call in the police force a cock tease.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Do you honestly think he's interested in girls?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12He doesn't seem to recognise a girl when he sees one.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I tell you what I think we should do.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18We should return his items... Seriously, put that back.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19OK. Get off me, Meaden!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- I'm serious! - Meaden, get off me.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- They're not yours.- Meaden! - They're not yours.- Come on.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Where are they? They're going back.- Meaden!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Are you proud of yourself?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34I am proud of myself.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36'Like my bum, this case was getting hairy,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38'and there were still two suspects to consider.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41'The suspicious butler, watching our every move,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43'and bedridden aunt Nicki Minaj.'
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Look at this, it's some kind of sexy tomb.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Reminds me of my ex-wife.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Dusty, smoky and smelly.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54What's this?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Have a look.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57She asleep?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I don't know, asleep or dead.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02"Get well soon."
0:22:02 > 0:22:04OK, see if she's alive.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I checked Gaga, so it's your turn now.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08OK. OK.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11SHE SCREAMS Oh, my... Argh!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I'm so sorry. Who are you?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Why are you doing that when people here could have heart complaints?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- I'm so sorry.- What's wrong with you? - I can't remember.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I don't know, I haven't seen people for so long, are you real?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Yes, we're real. Take a seat, Meaden.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Oh, my goodness!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Wait there, give me five seconds... I actually think I've shit myself.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Don't talk to me about shitting myself,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I've been in bed for eight years.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Oh, Christ. - Why are you here?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Because my crazy niece, Gaga, says I'm crazy myself,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43so I've gotta stay down here, I've gotta do what Gaga says,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45and I hate Gaga, I hate Gaga, I want to go away,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I want to come away with you, will you take me away?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Jay-Z says we can come and when he sorts out his passport, we gotta go.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53What do you think's wrong with her?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I just wanted her to breathe.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Do you think she's having some sort of episode?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59She is such a monster to me!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- She's a monster! - It's OK, it's OK.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- I hate Gaga!- It's OK...
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I hate Gaga, no, I love Gaga, no, I hate her...
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Nicki, Nicki! Chill out, Nicki!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Argh! Meaden, Meaden, Meaden!
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Will you two stop mucking around?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16We've got a murder mystery to solve here.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Meaden, Meaden, help! Help me, Meaden! Meaden!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Jesus Christ!
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Oh, Meaden, Meaden!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Meaden, have you got a condom?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Meaden! Meaden!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Hey, yo, what the hell is going on here?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Sleet, get outta here. Miss Minaj, she needs her bed rest.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I'm not going anywhere.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- Oh!- Sorry, Meaden.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- You can come back any time. - Get off me!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43So can you, Marie, it's been real.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Well, I think that was a dignified exit, don't you?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Shall we just take some of the evidence and go, shall we?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- It's been lovely meeting you. - Nice to see you, Marie.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58It's been lovely, so lovely.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Next time, don't wait so long, you can come back any time.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03You must be so proud.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06What have I done? It was her, not me.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- You all right, baby? - I'm OK, Jay.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13'After changing my underpants, I hatched a plan.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16'I had Meaden drop a sleeping draught
0:24:16 > 0:24:20'into the cup of the person she thought guilty of Gaga's murder.'
0:24:20 > 0:24:22'This was it. Time for us to serve up
0:24:22 > 0:24:27'some justice with milk and sugar - no going back now.'
0:24:29 > 0:24:30GONG CLANGS
0:24:30 > 0:24:32One of you murdered this lady.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38So, was it the lovelorn old virgin
0:24:38 > 0:24:42who was head over heels for Gaga?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Or is it her angelic, sexy, gorgeous niece?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Or was it Jay-Z, the suspicious butler?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Or was it Nicki Minaj,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55the sex-mad hag?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Deb. Grab me and you
0:24:56 > 0:24:59a couple of teas as well, please. Bring 'em here.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Deborah, can you get our cups of tea, please?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Absolutely.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Thank you very much, Your Highness(!)
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Shall we have a lovely drinky poos before...
0:25:15 > 0:25:17we find out who did it?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25HE GAGS
0:25:30 > 0:25:33HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Don't worry, everyone,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42it's just a powerful sedative
0:25:42 > 0:25:44that I use on dates.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I use it after I've made love to someone.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I have trouble getting to sleep after aggressive intercourse.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Somebody died here.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Yes, somebody has died here, Gaga,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58and you believed that the man who killed her was Jay-Z?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- I do. - Do you want to explain why?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Well, you see, I thought it was Cheryl.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05There were three pieces of paper,
0:26:05 > 0:26:10two signatures matched on the Get Well card and the letter,
0:26:10 > 0:26:15but I think that the two of you were having an affair.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19I think that he was trying to get you out from your downstairs
0:26:19 > 0:26:22dungeon and I think that you didn't need the money,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26that was a complete, that was a set-up of Cheryl, because he was
0:26:26 > 0:26:29the only person that was actually able to be in the room at the time.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32He was up here and he dropped that will letter into that bag
0:26:32 > 0:26:36over there to make it look like Lady Cheryl had done it.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Oh, what the fuck is going on?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Hey, Chief.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41What's going on, what's that?
0:26:41 > 0:26:47It's just a powerful sleeping sedative I use, called nightshade.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Not deadly nightshade?
0:26:49 > 0:26:50That's exactly what I mean, sir.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Oh, fuck me. Are you stupid?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56The clue is in the name, you pig dog!
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- You just killed him!- Dammit.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Who administered the dose?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Oh, God!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07- Meaden, sir.- No, no, to be fair... - Meaden, I think you'd already...
0:27:07 > 0:27:08- Yeah... - Meaden, I said to go...
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- Under your instruction... - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I don't want to hear it!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I do not want to hear it, Meaden.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18When I met you, yes, I thought to myself,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21"Here, finally, is a rookie with a proper pair of bollocks,"
0:27:21 > 0:27:24but you've really disappointed me today.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27The killer was Cheryl. Yes.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- Oh...- I'm afraid so. Why?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Because she was the only one who'd been travelling prior to the murder.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37There was a photo of her in the Galapagos Islands on holiday.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Yes, the will was forged,
0:27:40 > 0:27:45you were absolutely correct, but it was forged by Cheryl.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- Oh...- She was the beneficiary of Lady Gaga's fortune.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53It stood to reason, you made it too complicated.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- It couldn't have been Jay-Z. - Why not?
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Because Nicki Minaj told you that he didn't have a passport.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02When he sorts out his passport, we're gonna go.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Therefore, he could never have travelled abroad
0:28:05 > 0:28:09to get the poison which killed Lady Gaga.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11You've just killed an innocent man.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Meaden, you're fired.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17And for once, you're not the most stupid person in the room.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- HE CHUCKLES - Let's get out of here.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22- Take her away!- Ah, that's... - Get off me, man, no!
0:28:22 > 0:28:23Cheryl, I'll wait for you.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I'll come and see you in prison and we'll make love.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29- You idiot! - I'm not the idiot, you killed him.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33- OK, to be fair, I got this bit wrong...- Fine.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35..but in the last moment, you and me,
0:28:35 > 0:28:39what you call a sleeping draught actually turns out to be poison.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Meaden, it was an easy mistake to make,
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- it doesn't say... - OK, who made the mistake?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- You did, you put the...- No, you did.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47- Who put the poison... - You are my superior.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49You should know more about this than I do.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51If you'd killed Cheryl...
0:28:51 > 0:28:53You should know the difference between poison and a sleeping drug
0:28:53 > 0:28:55and I believed you when you said that.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57OK, I'll hang for it...
0:28:57 > 0:28:59- And- I- am the most stupid person in the room?
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Yes, and I'm glad that you know you are.