0:00:07 > 0:00:10Hello. I'm Dermot O'Leary, off the telly, but today,
0:00:10 > 0:00:12I'm starring in my own cop drama.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14I'm going to be a detective and try and solve a murder.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Now, I've no idea who's dead, who's done it or what's about to happen to me,
0:00:17 > 0:00:20but wish me luck because I'm off to Successville.
0:00:20 > 0:00:26This programme contains some strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I'm DI Sleet.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41There's three things you need to know about me.
0:00:41 > 0:00:421 - I hate crime.
0:00:42 > 0:00:472 - is the type of diabetes I have. And 3 is the time I start drinking.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Another pint of rose, please, bar keep,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51and here's a shilling for your troubles.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04MUTTERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Oh, Jesus Christ! It stinks in here!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10What is that?
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Oh, that could be my body odour, sir, or maybe my, my arsehole.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Also there's a family of rodents, I think they're rats or mice,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19living in this place.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20This place is a rubbish tip!
0:01:22 > 0:01:23I'm sorry, Chief.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25You'd better get your act together. Um, O'Leary...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Yes?
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Quick as you can, come on. Careful, police property.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Um, this is DI Sleet, yes.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37I want you to listen to everything he tells you.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Unless he's talking complete bullshit, which is
0:01:39 > 0:01:4295% of the time, in which case, tell him to fuck off!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Thanks, Chief, thanks for chatting as well.- Yeah, thank you.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Take a seat.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49This is going to require sitting down and thinking.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I always think better when my brain's warm.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Yeah.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54HE LAUGHS
0:01:54 > 0:01:56OK, O'Leary.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I'm going to enjoy working with you, boss, I'll learn a lot.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01You're not here to enjoy yourself, but if you do enjoy yourself
0:02:01 > 0:02:05at the same time as solving crimes, well, touche to you, sir.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Just so I'm clear in my new job, we're solving a murder, right?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12If there's a homicide, I will be solving it and you will be my...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Helping you.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15..my boy, my best boy.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17So I'm your Batman, I'm your... I'm with you all the way.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- No, I'm your Batman, you're my Robin.- Robin, yeah.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Don't you dare try to be Batman, you're a long way off!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25No, I meant, I'm like your valet, I'm your sidekick.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Well, yes, I mean, but you won't be able to drive my car.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29How many cases have you got on the go at the moment?
0:02:29 > 0:02:3137.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33What's going on with them?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Are you here as a clerical assistant, or to watch how I teach?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Well, I want... let's solve some crimes.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43O'Leary, listen, sometimes we just sit here and stare.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45What would you want to stare at?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Just, do I have an option?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I usually sit and stare at that old TV.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53It hasn't worked since 1983, but...
0:02:53 > 0:02:57- Yeah. Er...- Put your feet up, I'll allow it this once.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Now we just sit and wait for a crime to be committed.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04What the hell?! Get your feet off the desk!
0:03:04 > 0:03:05What do you think this is, a doss house?!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Just, just learning from the best.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't drop me in it, O'Leary.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I told you not to listen to him when he talks bullshit.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Now listen up, you two, I've got a little job for you.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Yes. There's an emergency, the Mayor's PA, Amanda Holden,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20yes, has been murdered.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I need you to get your fat arse down to forensics
0:03:23 > 0:03:25and take Timmy Tiptoes here with you.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Wow, he's really fired-up about this one.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28He's in a really bad mood.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30No, he's actually in quite a good mood.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Holden?- Holden's dead and we must find her killer.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35All right, yes.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Dermot, let's go solve a crime.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Yes!
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Bingo! We had ourselves a murder.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45O'Leary was keener than a mouse at a French market.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Time to see chief pathologist, Lana Del Rey.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50This is the victim.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Cripes, wow, Jesus!
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Oh, wowser! Lana, so how did she die?
0:03:57 > 0:03:58She looks like she was shot?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Well done, Dermot. Very observational of you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Well, make a note of that in your book.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08Well, I think you should, um, have a look at this,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11it's a VHS that was found with the body.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Some of the kids in my block have got one of these.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- Yeah.- Yeah, Jimmy from the flats. It's, er...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Pretty much all the rage. Boss, it says on it...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"Cowell Kidnap Tape."
0:04:21 > 0:04:24What? Play it immediately. Get it on, Lana, quick!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Time is of the essence.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Um, it's very simple, I've been taken hostage.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33You've got 24 hours to deliver £5 million
0:04:33 > 0:04:36in unmarked bags to the bins outside Biba's Casino
0:04:36 > 0:04:38or I'm going to be blown to smithereens.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Damn it! Damn it to hell, O'Leary!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46That's not good, that's not good at all.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Looks like Holden was just the appetiser.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- Ah-ha.- Mayor Simon Cowell is our main course.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Do you think Holden got in the way of the people trying to
0:04:56 > 0:04:58kidnap Cowell?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Well, yes, I do now you've said it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Make a note of that, O'Leary.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Yeah, yeah, OK, "Holden got in way."
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Lana Del Rey, where... Did the VHS come with the body?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Uh-huh.- OK.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Is there any other clues on the body that we need to know?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16This was found at the crime scene...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18It's a visitors' log book.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19From the Mayor's office?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Uh-huh.- Thank you, Lana.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Three people were seen visiting the Mayor that night.
0:05:25 > 0:05:31Jessie J, 8.45. Miley Cyrus, 8.30. Alan Sugar, 8.00.
0:05:31 > 0:05:36- They're our three suspects, boss. - Exactly, Dermot. Right, you drive.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I'm going to have a few beers, get my head round this thing.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Excellent. - Thanks, Lana.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- Thanks, Lana.- Hm.- See you soon.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54So, what's the plan?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56We're going undercover, kid.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59My name is going to be Elsie Pickles.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03I'm an elderly woman seeking a new home.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- Uh-huh. - You're my nephew, Ronald.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Why are we going undercover? - Because that's what we do, we're cops,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10we go undercover and investigate things.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- No, I just thought we could just go, go and speak to her?- No.- OK.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15She will be on to us straight away and she'll clam up,
0:06:15 > 0:06:16that's what suspects do.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Gotcha, I hear you. - You up for this?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Let's go and be cops.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Let's go be cops.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Oh.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Hello, everyone, hello.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- Hello there.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Are you Miley Cyrus?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Well, I ain't Billie Rae! What can I do for you?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Hello, Miley, my name's Ronald Pickles
0:06:41 > 0:06:43and this is my old aunt, Elsie.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Hello there.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49I'm Elsie Pickles, as he says, I'm an old aunt of his.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51You're probably wondering what I've done all my life.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Well, I used to be a flapper girl, you sees.- Right.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Then I used all my savings and invested it in baked beans.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59I made many millions from it.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01And then I lost it all in the great treacle famine.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Elsie's, she's, she's doing well, but...
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- Right.- But she can't manage the stairs any more, can you?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11No, that's why I'm in this infernal thing.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Since I lost my Billy.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14All right, what happened?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Well, he got the mumps and passed on.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- So many people do, huh? - Yeah. Yeah.- It's sad.- Very sad.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Ronald's got loads of hobbies though, he keeps himself busy.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Great, I mean this, this has been so nice...
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Also he has an interest in, in putting ships in bottles.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28- Oh, wow. - And public speakings.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29- Great.- Yeah, yeah.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Hey, Miley, it's your go on the Scrabble.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34OK, I'll be like two secs.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Sorry, it's Russell Kane,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38he's the oldest member of Success Story's community.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41He really loves to play Scrabble, but let me tell you something, ain't
0:07:41 > 0:07:44no-one every beat Miley Cyrus at Scrabble, I am amazing at Scrabble.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Confusing, but true. - Do you have Police Academy 7?
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Police Academy 7? What, Assignment Miami Beach? Yeah, sure, I'll be with you.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53These cats love movies more than they love
0:07:53 > 0:07:54outdated 1980s technology.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57So just like give me a second, right, because they cannot work a VHS.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58You know what I mean?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- Well, thank you for all your help. - Right?- Yeah.- You know what I mean, bitches?- Ain't she a lovely girl?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05She's got some form on her, I'll tell you.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Right. She's got a VHS machine!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I think the next part of our plan is about to take part.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I took the liberty of bringing some chocolates for me.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15They're laced with a powerful sleeping draught.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19If we give one of these to Miley Cyrus, it'll knock her clean out.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Right, then we can have a sneak around the place.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22- Find some evidence. - Gotcha.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- OK.- Who's giving these to her, me or you?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- You. And try and be sexy when you do it.- Oh, yeah, yeah, cool.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I think she's single and looking for love.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Sorry about that, guys.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- No problem.- No problem.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37We wanted to bring you something,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40just a little token of our appreciation, for you just...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43It ain't a bribe or nothing, just some sweet arse chocolates.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Thank you, but I don't eat chocolates, cos I don't believe in them.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Listen, they're the nicest chocolates I've ever eaten in my life.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Listen, I love these things, I do.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52But that's rude not to, um...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Get one down you, girl.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Well, like, guys, I'm really not...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Ssh, just...
0:09:01 > 0:09:05She really loves, like, wants to be here, and I think she'd
0:09:05 > 0:09:07kind of be a little bit insulted if you just didn't try one.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11I know, right, but like I'm a vegan, I can't eat...
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Whoa, old lady likes her sleep, huh?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Oh, no, I know.- While you're here, do you want to sign my petition?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- Yeah...- Do you know what the Mayor?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20He's trying to build a bypass right through this place.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Can you believe it?! I can't even stand to think of it.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I guess he doesn't care about my poor old residents, right?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Thank you so much for signing. PHONE RINGS
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Hello? Successful Nursing Home, Miley Cyrus proprietor speaking.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33What? No way, you're kidding, that's incredible, are you sure?
0:09:33 > 0:09:34OK, thanks for ringing, bye.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Do you know what that was?- Tell me.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Every month we have a public speaker who comes here to entertain
0:09:39 > 0:09:41and inform our family and he just cancelled.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46- Oh, wow.- He was supposed to be doing a talk on ships...in bottles.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Hold on a dang minute! Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Dude, this is the best thing that ever happened!
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Come on, let's go.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55OK, listen up, everyone, turn on your hearing aids.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56We've got a guest speaker, he's going
0:09:56 > 0:10:00to talk to you about ships in bottles, remember like I promised?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01How? When? Why?
0:10:01 > 0:10:02You can ask him anything
0:10:02 > 0:10:05and he knows everything about ships in bottles.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Are we excited?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Ronald, do this for me, please? Don't let me down, darling, you are so great.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Come on, you can do this, let's go.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Well, hi, everyone, it's very nice to be here.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Er, as Miley said, um,
0:10:17 > 0:10:22I am one of the pre-eminent experts in ships in bottles.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25So, now I'm sure you're all aware of,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27being the certain age you are, of the ships in bottles...
0:10:27 > 0:10:29What he say?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Ships in bottles. You know the little ships?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33He says he shits in bottles.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Ships, putting ships, like from the Armada, yeah?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Mary Rose, Henry VIII. You understand, yeah?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Nelson. - What size are the bottles?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Well, there are various sizes, Russell.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Some of them are kind of a, like a magnum size, for a bigger ship,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50but for the most part, the skill is to find a smaller bottle.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Do you need special bottles?
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Well, you need, it's not so much a special bottle... Sorry, what's your name, my love?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Hazel. - Hazel, hello, Hazel.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02It's not so much a special bottle, it's more what you, you have to set it to start with.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Why do you need to put shit in a bottle?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I'm not putting shit in a bottle.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- What's your name, my love? - You just said you were.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09- What's your name? - Ninette.- Ninette.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11How long does it take?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Well, it depends on the size of the bottle
0:11:13 > 0:11:15and the size of the ship, to be honest.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17The way you have to, you have to force the ship through,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- SHIP through. - Can I use the toilet?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21That's probably not a question for me, right?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- He's speaking to you, right? So...- Of course you can.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I can put shit in a bottle.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Dermot, what the hell are you doing?! - What do you mean, Dermot?! What?
0:11:28 > 0:11:29What's going on here?!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Sister, one second.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Elsie, what are you talking about, don't blow cover yet. - It's time to blow cover.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38You've almost ruined it, you just fell asleep by eating one of those fucking chocolates, you idiot!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- I couldn't help it. - Do you stand up, or are you going to sit down?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- I'll stand up.- OK, ready? Let's blow this case wide open.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I've lost all control of my body.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I'm so sorry, Elsie's had a...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56It's all right, like, why is she calling you Dermot, right?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Well, what happened, she's, like I say, she's not...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Well, I'm no woman!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- What?- I'm DI Sleet, from...
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- What the...?- ..Murder Squad... - What are you bringing in here, you guys?! This is crazy!
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Successville.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10She's just a bit delusional, I'm so sorry.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Sit down there, Elsie. There you go.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15We're cops, Goddamn it, Cyrus!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- You're cops?- Yeah.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Why didn't you say you were cops? What's this shit about?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23You've made an enemy of one of the most powerful men in Successville.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24How did I make an enemy?
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Work my arms, Dermot.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- How did she make an enemy...? - Both of them, Dermot. - What did I do? I just...
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- What did you do? - Yeah, what...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32You made me mad!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34You know what, you're crazy.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35You're dressed as an old lady,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38you have two pairs of glasses on and you've got a head scarf on.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Screw you, buddy, I'm just a nice old person trying to help people!
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Really?- Yeah.- How did you try and help Simon Cowell,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46when you pulled past his office the other night?
0:12:46 > 0:12:47You know what I did?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I took my petition to Cowell and you know what he did?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52He didn't listen, because he don't care about people,
0:12:52 > 0:12:53he don't care about the town.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I think we'd be better off without him!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56This smells rotten to me.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Exactly, Dermot.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59This looks fucking weird!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Save it for the county jail, sister.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Right...- Exactly. Wheel me out of here, Dermot.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Get out of here, come on! We've got Scrabble class.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I'm going to open the door for you, because I feel sorry for you,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11because this is so Goddamn pathetic!
0:13:11 > 0:13:12- I don't want your pity! - Just try and...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I just want your answers. Don't you cross me!
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Don't you cross me!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18You're both embarrassing.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23The rope's too tight, I can't feel my feet, I need to go to the toilet.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Let's just come to some kind of amicable agreement.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I'm a very influential man.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Here we are. This is Jessie J's place.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Wow!
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Yeah, she was my sensei growing up, she taught me everything I know.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Back in the day?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Way back in the day, O'Leary. You must remember one thing...
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Mm-hmm?
0:13:46 > 0:13:51A relationship with a sensei is based on truth, honour and power.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55I need to see you perform a power stance.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Like this. - HE YELLS
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Oh, like that? Yeah.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03No, try another one.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05No.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07No.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08No.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11No.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12You did that one already.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I know, that's similar but more powerful.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Try one more. "Hap hap."
0:14:18 > 0:14:19"Ninya!"
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Now you're just making up words.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I'm not, that's Japanese for "hello."
0:14:23 > 0:14:24It's not Japanese.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Kimaragnas!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28She's going to be offended if you do that.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Rey, hey, hey, hey...!
0:14:30 > 0:14:35I don't... I don't think we should do the power moves in there.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- HE YELLS - Konichiwa!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Brilliant! - OK, good, that's a Japanese word.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Yes. And one that I'm sure she'll be impressed by.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Yes. - Let's do this, O'Leary.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Hello, Philip.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Hakuna matata, sensei.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Senpai.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06We are currently looking into the kidnap of Simon Cowell.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- And a murder. - And a murder. Thank you.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10And the murder of Amanda Holden.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Rumour on the street is you had beef with Mayor Cowell.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I have no gripe with anyone, Sleet.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18The world and time are linear to me.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I see and hear all things the world chooses to show me.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Look at this one. Hmm.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Now, young one, you're obviously not at one with this world yet
0:15:30 > 0:15:33and that is OK, but listen, let me help you.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Because deep within all of us is a spirit animal, a spiritual guide.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Now, most people don't allow this animal to take control,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- but you must.- Mm-hmm.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Now my animal is a panther, strong, sleek, unafraid. His...
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Mine is a curious goat.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- That was it. - That's nice.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Well, you know, it's all right, I'm slightly ashamed of it.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55You must never be ashamed of your spirit animal.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- Yeah, but it's easy for you to say, you're a panther. - Why did you pick a goat?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00You don't choose your spirit animal, it chooses you.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Yes, of course.- We're going to find yours, Dermot. Are you ready?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- Yeah.- Shut your eyes. Now clear that little mind of yours.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Now, I want you to think of the second animal that
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- comes into your head, not the first one, but the second one.- Pussycat.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Pussycat, nice. Station him, park him for a bit.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Oh, there's another animal coming along, what's that animal?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Kangaroo.- Kangaroo and a pussycat.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Yeah.- They're fighting. - Yeah.- Who's winning?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- The pussycat. - Let the pussycat kill the kangaroo.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25OK.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- So who's won?- Pussycat.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- That is your spirit animal. - Aah, that's nice.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31You could've been anything you wanted to
0:16:31 > 0:16:33be in the world and you chose a pussycat.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- You're a curious goat. - Yes, I know, but...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38What I need you to do now is call to your guide.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Make the cries of the pussy cat to the heavens,
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Sleet and I will join you.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46DERMOT MEOWS SLEET BLARES
0:16:46 > 0:16:49It's a very quiet pussy cat, Dermot.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Sleet, Sleet, that's great, can we hold the goat for a second?
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Keep going, Dermot.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Sounds like a very sad pussy cat.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Or an owl.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Sounds more like an owl, doesn't it?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05More like a sort of...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Imagine, just a bit angrier.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09HE HISSES
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- That's quite good.- Well, I don't know, it was very catty.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Hmm. Now if you want to ask me any questions, you can
0:17:15 > 0:17:16ask me through your animal.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Do I have to speak in the animal language?- That's what I said.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21"Why were you at Simon Cowell's house?"
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I went to see Simon Cowell.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24"What was it about?"
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Can we stop asking the same question, please?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Yes, sorry.- This is a place of respite and I wish to meditate.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Now, I will offer you guys the chance to join me
0:17:32 > 0:17:33if you'd so like to. Would you like to?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Yes, we'd love to.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36- Take a seat.- Of course.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Love to.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Meditation, have you done it before, Dermot?
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Right.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Now I sense that you two are searching for answers
0:17:47 > 0:17:48- on the outside.- Yes.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49PHONE RINGS
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- Whose phone is that? - That's not my phone.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- It's not my phone.- I gave Philip my phone. It's coming from you.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- Why can I hear it coming from this direction?- It's not my phone...
0:17:56 > 0:17:58It's coming from here! What's going...?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01You know my rule about technology, Sleet! Give it to me!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- I'm sorry...- Dermot, give it to me! - It wasn't my...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I don't care if it's yours, you're not having it in my fucking dojo!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- I'm sorry. - Sorry if we've offended you.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10And I don't like Simon Cowell trying to get rid of this place to
0:18:10 > 0:18:12turn it into telephone towers.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13I'm not having it!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I've told him I will defend my sanctuary to the death
0:18:16 > 0:18:17and I'll say the same thing to you now.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Seriously, the total lack of respect...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- SLEET YELLS - Konichiwa!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- What, what is this? What is this? - These are our power stances.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I get this, this is not powerful at all.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I know, it's weird. He...
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Get out of here! I hate you!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32OK. Just back out, Dermot, slowly.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- Back out. - Slowly back out.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Leave me in peace, this is my haven!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38You are now a suspect in the murder of Simon Cowell.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I don't care, I'm glad he's dead.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43He's not dead, he's been kidnapped. I was trying to fool you.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44- Oh, shit!- Thank you, Philip.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- Go!- Konichiwa, Jessie.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50You know, I like you, I think you're a fantastic personality,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I just don't think this is the way to achieve your objective.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55That's all I'm trying to say.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Last suspect was sweet shop owner Alan Sugar.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07We had to be quick, because like a badly stocked spice rack,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09we were running out of time.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Hello?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- Hello? No-one home.- No.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- Listen, O'Leary...- Yeah?
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Mayor Cowell was going to close this place down.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Hygiene or some crap.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28So they've all got motive.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Oh, yeah. Listen, do you see what I see?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Sugar ain't around. He must be upstairs.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- Yeah. - Maybe we should get his attention.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Well, no, maybe we should just look around and try and find clues.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Smash, smash this place up a bit. Smash the table.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- I don't want to...- Let him know we're here! Like really smash it up.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Argh!
0:19:47 > 0:19:48We're here!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- PHONE RINGS - I've got... O'Leary, I've got to take this.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53That's, please don't take that call.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54I've got to, booty calls.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I'm looking for the truth, Mr Sugar.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Alan? Alan, someone who's smashed up the shop.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Mr Sugar?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24You got some sort of problem, boy?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26We've got some talking to do.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- And I'm looking for the truth.- Yeah, well, I'm telling you the truth.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You want to smash my shop up?
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Not particularly.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Let's smash, let's smash it up.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Let's smash it up! Come on! Come on!
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Let's smash it up!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I appreciate you're a little bit angry...
0:20:45 > 0:20:46HE LAUGHS
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Have one!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Have one! These are beautiful.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57They're great.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00What do you want to ask me? What do you want to know?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Have a nice fruit salad. One of your five-a-day.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Thank you.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Yeah. You can eat them...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Why have you got it in for Cowell?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Cowell sent his boys around here, did you know that?!
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Health and Safety, rummaging through me stock!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16All right, they found a little few things.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Couple of mice. So what's, what's the...?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Few rat droppings in the lemon bonbons.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Couple of fruit salads was way past their sell-by date.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Three years.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28That's not a crime, though, is it?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Well, enough to get you shut down.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Is it enough for you to kidnap him? That's what I want to know.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38I'll tell you what I know - he don't know nothing about sweets.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40And I've got sweets running through my veins!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- I know that.- Look at me!
0:21:42 > 0:21:43I know that.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I'm on my own, I've got nothing!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Open up.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49There you go, it's all right. It's all right.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Plenty of other, there's plenty of other sweet shops out there.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Could I have a bit of the strawberry laces?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00There you go.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I had everything, now I've got nothing!
0:22:03 > 0:22:04There you go, eh?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Time was of the essence.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12We headed to the station. For clues? No.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15For something a little more important than that.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Come on, O'Leary, follow me.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Phew.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Listen, O'Leary, I know we're up against it time-wise, but, er...
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Yeah, big time. We've got like, we've got to save Simon.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Dermot, give me a second.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- There's a bit of a big deal happening.- Right.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Sid Lowecroft is leaving, um,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34this is a little present for his daughter.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- Oh, OK.- Put this on.- But he doesn't know who I am.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40That's what the whole kick is, he'll get a kick out of the new guy.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42He won't get a kick out of it, he'll go, "Who are you?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44"Why are you gate-crashing my last day?"
0:22:44 > 0:22:47No, he won't, as soon as he walks in, blow that.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Then give him the doll, read out the letter.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Yeah.- It's some kind words that I've written down for him.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- OK.- And then let one of these bad boys off.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Doll, letter, boom.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Bingo. I'm going to go and get the cake.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- Let him know that we're ready. - You're not in this with me?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07No, no, no, no, I'm just going to go and get a cake.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Right, hide under there when he comes in.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Right.- Are you ready for this? - Under there?- Yeah, under there.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- Under there.- This is going to be great, he'll get such a kick from this.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Good stuff, Dermot.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Are you ready and settled?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Yeah.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Sid?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Yeah.- Hi, Sid, how are you?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- All right, yeah. - I know we haven't met, I'm Dermot.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- Good, good. You're the new lad? - I am. I'm Dermot, how are you?
0:23:35 > 0:23:36- Good.- Good to meet you.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- Yeah.- It's your last day.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39- Is it?- Yeah.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42No, it's not.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44No, shall I... You're leaving, aren't you?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- You what? - You're leaving and Sleet said I've got to sort of like, you know,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51just give you a surprise and give you presents for your daughter.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Well, I'm not... - There we go.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Wonderful. OK, then he's written some words for you.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Yeah, go on.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Yeah, this'll be good. What?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Go on.- Oh, man.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05"As your sectional manager,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08"I've been asked to inform you that your employment has been terminated.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"The following violations have been logged by HR.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16"On the 5th June, CCTV caught you going into a woman's locker room
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"and pleasuring yourself over Sandra's knickers.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20"On 5th July you drove your police panda car
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"into Tony's Volvo in the staff car park
0:24:23 > 0:24:25"and then jumped on the bonnet screaming,
0:24:25 > 0:24:26"'Screw you Tony, you think
0:24:26 > 0:24:30"'your dick's so big, you think my wife likes your dick more than mine.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32"'Sob sob.' Please hand your badge and your gun in,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35"you'll be escorted from the building immediately."
0:24:39 > 0:24:41What, you're... What, are you, are you joking?
0:24:41 > 0:24:42No, I'm sorry.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45This isn't my... I don't, I don't know you, I've never met you before.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46He told me to, he told me
0:24:46 > 0:24:49you were leaving after 20 years of police service.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51What sort of way is this to break this kind of news to someone?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52I know, it's shit, man.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55HE LAUGHS
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Are you taking the piss?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Have you just...? Because it's his first day.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11First day? Taking the piss?
0:25:11 > 0:25:17Flipping heck, mate, you had, right, so, so it's a joke then, is that it?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18- No.- Isn't it?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Still sacked, I'm afraid, Sid,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I just thought I'd let Dermot hit the ground running.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Put a fun spin on it. You're a pervert, Sid.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29You need to get help.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30I know.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Right, we have a big case to solve,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- something you're not going to have to worry about now, eh?- No.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Big cases and police work.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Sleet, don't say that.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39I'm really bad at breaking bad news.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Yeah, yeah, no fucking joke!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43That's why I thought I'd get you to do it.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Yeah, really fucking funny!
0:25:45 > 0:25:46OK, I, I'm sorry, Sid.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Be careful, yeah?
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Are we going now?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Yeah, we go. Come on. We'll just leave him here, he'll be fine.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52- Good luck.- Thanks.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Bye, Sid. Sorry.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Don't steal anything while you're here.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I got a call from Bomb Squad, they'd found Cowell.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02The only way to deactivate the bomb was
0:26:02 > 0:26:04typing in the name of the kidnapper.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Miley, Jessie or Sugar.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Time for a hero!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Dermot O'Leary's here! Get out of the way!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Get out of the way! O'Leary, this is it.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Yeah.- Judgment Day.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Hey, everyone, Dermot O'Leary's about to defuse this bomb.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20You ready?
0:26:20 > 0:26:21- Yeah.- Do it.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Return?
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Return, enter.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Oh, shit!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Jesus!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Looks like we need a new mayor.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42What in the name of Satan's arsehole is that?!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46I told you to save him, not blow him up!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Sorry about that, boss.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Sorry about that?! Is that your fault?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Well, it was O'Leary, sir, he, er, completely went for it.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- He went rogue and started typing things into the computer... - I didn't go rogue.
0:26:56 > 0:27:02- Anyway, you said you 100% trust me, I didn't go rogue.- Oi, big boy, look at me, yes. Explanation now, yes!
0:27:02 > 0:27:06OK, I thought the killer and the kidnapper was Miley Cyrus.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07- Did you?- Yeah. - Right, why?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10She had motive, there was
0:27:10 > 0:27:14a bypass going to go through the old people's home.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I thought the old people loved the VHS, she knew her way around a VHS.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22And the... And the delivery of the ransom note was in VHS.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24You got that completely wrong.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27The person you were after was Alan Sugar.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30It was obviously Alan Sugar. Why?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32The Mayor was going to close Sugar's sweet shop down,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34it was all he had, he was a desperate man.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39Did you not see the VHS player in Alan Sugar's shop?
0:27:39 > 0:27:40- Yeah.- You did?- Yeah.
0:27:40 > 0:27:46Yes, well, did you not see that the hostage tape was misspelt, yes?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"Kidnapp" takes one P.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49You were closer to that than me,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I didn't get to look at that.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- Oh, stop talking, please!- Hey, don't start blaming me. Don't start blaming me for this, O'Leary!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- Lana Del Rey was... - That's on your conscience.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00The point is, O'Leary, it couldn't have been Miley Cyrus
0:28:00 > 0:28:01because she told you...
0:28:01 > 0:28:03No-one ever beat Miley Cyrus at Scrabble.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05In other words, she could spell!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07We should have just questioned her normally.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Well, all right, in retrospect, sorry,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11we should have questioned her normally.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- Everything in Sugar's shop was misspelt.- Oh, I see.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18- I've trodden in more intelligent things than you, O'Leary!- Sorry.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Yeah, you're fired! And it'll probably cost me my job!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- I hope you're happy. - You should go for mayor.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26That's actually a good idea, sir.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27You two disgust me.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Fuck me!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Well, every cloud has a silver lining,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34even the cloud that is black and smokey,
0:28:34 > 0:28:38because it's an explosion with a dead male in the middle of it.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39Come on, O'Leary.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42I know a place that's open all night long.
0:28:42 > 0:28:43- O'Leary's Bar.- Hey.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46- Teddy and Mick run it. Come on. - They're not related to me, are they?
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Well, they won't admit it now!
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Hey, look at this guy, remember him?
0:28:49 > 0:28:51- Yeah.- Philip.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53- Phil.- Ha-ha ha-ha, see you, Phil. - Hey, Phil.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Oh, we're not allowed to use this car now because you've been sacked.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58We'll have to walk. Come on.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03MUSIC: Cuddly Toy by Roachford
0:29:03 > 0:29:05# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby
0:29:05 > 0:29:06# Feel for me, baby
0:29:06 > 0:29:08# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby
0:29:08 > 0:29:10# Feel for me, baby
0:29:10 > 0:29:12# And give me some love... #