0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Hello, I'm Kimberly Wyatt,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11most known for being a judge on Got To Dance,
0:00:11 > 0:00:12or a high-kicking Pussycat Doll,
0:00:12 > 0:00:15but today, I'm going to star in my own cop drama.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17All I know is, there's been a homicide.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I don't know who the victim is,
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I don't know who the suspects are going to be.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23I don't know what's going to happen.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26So, wish me luck as I try and solve a murder in Successville.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36'Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40'Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42'and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48'I'm DI Sleet - and this is my voice you're hearing.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52'You'd only usually hear it if you've been arrested, murdered
0:00:52 > 0:00:56'or if you work for a hotline for the depressed and lonely.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57'Hello, Tracey - me again.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06'It was my first day back at work
0:01:06 > 0:01:08'after a serious case of the Plumptons.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10'And my dung hole was killing me.'
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Ooh.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Very nice.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Come to Mummy.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Oi, Sleet!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Oh, my God, it's like the Taj Mahal in here!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24It's just a little assortment - some breakfast, sir.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Where the hell have you been?!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I've been calling you for two days!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I took the liberty of having a few days off, sir.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- What?!- I went through all the appropriate channels.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34A holiday?! What did you do? You've got no friends.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35It wasn't a holiday, sir,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37it was actually quite a serious medical procedure...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I don't care, Sleet, I've got you a new rookie. Yes.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Oh, that's the last thing I need,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44a sweaty little oik who doesn't know his dick from his balls.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46"He" is a "she", Sleet.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- Get with the times, yes?- Yeah.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- Kimberly?- Hi. - Hi, come in, how are you?
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- Yes, good thanks.- Great to see you. - LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:55It's good to see you too. Hi.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58This is um, this is DI Sleet.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Treat her with kid gloves, yes?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- I'll leave you to get to know each other.- Thank you.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04SLEET SIGHS
0:02:04 > 0:02:05- Hello.- Hello.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Oh, so... DI Sleet.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- Your name is...? - Kimberly, Kimberly Wyatt.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Take a chair.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17SLEET GROANS
0:02:19 > 0:02:24So I noticed a little twang to your accent. What are you - Dutch, Welsh?
0:02:24 > 0:02:25- American.- American?
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- Yeah.- Wow. Well, I never, that's pretty impressive.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Is it?- Have you always been American?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Yeah, since the day I was born.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I used to have an old partner, you know?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Yeah, she was like you.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40She was just like you - a sweet, sweet pretty thing.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Mm-hmm.- Blonde and bouncy, reliable and friendly.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45With a big wet nose.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Old Bonnie.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Are you referring to me as a dog?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50No, no, I'm referring to you as a brilliant partner.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52This was the best officer I ever worked with.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- Man's best friend. - Do you know what happened to Bonnie?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57What happened to Bonnie?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01We got sent on a mission to Colombia, take down a big cartel.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03She went undercover as an Alsatian.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I sprained my ankle pretty badly. Bonnie went in alone.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10They shot her?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Yes, they shot her.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Oi, big boy, try pulling your dick out of your arsehole, yes?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Ah, sir, there's a lady here, can you please watch your language?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Fuck off! Sorry. Is that Bonnie?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Yeah, it is sir, it's sweet Bonnie.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I would like you to get down to forensics
0:03:26 > 0:03:27as quick as possible please, Sleet.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30There's been a murder - Dr Wayne Rooney.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31- Yes.- Well.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Looks like the pheasant's come home to roost.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- You ready to go and solve a crime? - I'm ready.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Come on. Oh, grab my cushion and, er, my deodorant.- OK.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45There we go.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51'Time to see pathologist, Lana Del Rey.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53'She was a sweet kid,
0:03:53 > 0:03:57'but about as sociable as a North Korean traffic warden.'
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Ha, well, ha-ha, hello.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02It's good of you to show up. You were meant to be here an hour ago.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Yes, sorry about that.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Hey, why don't you open the curtains in here,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08or have the moths sewn them shut?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11So you can't open them any more?
0:04:11 > 0:04:15That's why it's so dark and...dingy in here.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Just... I'm having a joke with you, just trying to create a vibe.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I'm a little too busy for your humour, Sleet.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Do you want to have the honour?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Ah ha, sure. I'd love the honour.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Get right in there.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Is there a reason why you've got my victim
0:04:48 > 0:04:50all wrapped up like a chicken shawarma?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Oh, uh-huh.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56He was like this when they found him.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Quite a remarkable death.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Yeah, it's...- I rather envy him.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Look at it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Well, I think that's a bit weird and creepy.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Kimberly, have you got some questions you wanted to ask?- Yep.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Um, how did Dr Wayne Rooney die?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18He seems to have died from asphyxiation.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Very interesting.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Whoever did this used their hands and worked very quickly.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27You know, I wouldn't bet against our murderer
0:05:27 > 0:05:31having some kind of, um, RSI.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34RSI? That's some sort of bank savings thing, right?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It's Repetitive Strain Injury.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Dr Rooney was found performing an onanistic convenience transaction.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Can you say that in English, please?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Yeah, English, please.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50He was masturbating in the toilets.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52What? Um, Kimberly, can you just...
0:05:52 > 0:05:55For a second, just cover your ears, please.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Can you die from that? Can you... Can you die from that?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Is that actually something that can kill you?
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Can it...?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Don't look, close... Can you die from this?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06No.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- No?- No.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11But if somebody I knew was doing it, three or four times a day...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Hey! Pussy-Puss, you're not meant to have heard it.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- Don't write any of that down.- Right.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I guess we'd better hot-tail it down to the hospital
0:06:20 > 0:06:22and try and solve this thing.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Lana, we'll see you soon.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25- Bye, Lana.- Yeah.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Do you think you'll see her again,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30maybe go out for a coffee or something?
0:06:30 > 0:06:31I hope not.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38'Three suspects were in the vicinity at the time of the murder.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41'First up, Nurse Adele, Rooney's lady-friend.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43'Most murders are committed by a loved one,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46'which makes me indestructible.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47'Hmm.'
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Don't you worry, now listen darling, try not to move too much,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52because these bandages will fall off
0:06:52 > 0:06:54and you'll most likely get a very fatal disease.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56All right? Tickle tickle!
0:06:56 > 0:06:57SLEET WHISTLES
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Oh, hello.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02How can I help you merry souls on this fine day?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Well, I'm DI Sleet, Successville Homicide.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Oh, where are my manners?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09This is my new partner, Kimberly Wyatt.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Lovely to meet you.- By partner, I mean, partner just at work.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Colleagues, not anything else.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17We aren't sleeping together, we're not even really friends.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19We're just working together and...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Not that I hold anything against or think less of people
0:07:21 > 0:07:23who do have sex with work friends, er, like you...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26'Ere, he's all fingers and thumbs, isn't he, eh?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I hope he's not like that in the bedroom! Ha-ha!
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Ha-ha, she wouldn't know, as I said. We've never...- No, no, of course.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34We haven't, she will never find out, unless she's open-minded and...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Now, listen, what can I help you with today? Come on, what are you here for?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Well, we're just stopping by, my sweet buttercup,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43just to um... have a general chat really, about Dr Wayne Rooney.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Oh, I could chat about him all day.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51He's the love of my life, the man of my dreams, the one and only.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54We've just got a puppy and we've called him Adeleayne,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57which is like an amalgamation of both of our names.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00'Ere, he's all right, isn't he?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Don't worry, Buttercup, he is absolutely fine.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07He's never been better. He's in great health.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Er, can you give me five minutes... or seconds, actually.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Probably won't even be a minute, could be even 30 seconds.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Just need to talk to Kimberly about something.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15It's police work, don't worry about it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Ain't you funny? Course you can, Mr Bungerly-Wungerly.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21LAUGHTER
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Listen, um... Well, this is proving to be quite difficult.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26She's quite a hard nut to crack.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Sleet, you lied to her. - I didn't lie to her.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- You did.- I didn't tell her the truth, but I didn't lie.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Hmm...- I just haven't said anything about it at the moment.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Hmm.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40Listen, you need to tell Nurse Adele that Dr Wayne Rooney is...
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Dead?- No. Don't you dare say that word.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Strictly prohibited within the police.- Why?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50We're not allowed to say it any more, people freak the hell out.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- I'm going to have a look around for some evidence.- OK.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57- Listen, the main thing is, just enjoy yourself.- OK.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58- OK?- All right.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- See you in...- Thanks, Sleet!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04There was definitely something about pavements in it,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07but I just can't remember now, isn't that funny, eh?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Fun, eh? Going to be all right, ain't you?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Nurse Adele?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Oh, hello, Kimberly, love, how are you?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I don't have the best of news to share with you.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Oh, are you not enjoying your job?
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Well, there's part of my job that I don't really enjoy doing,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- that I've never really done before. - Oh, we all have those bits.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Sometimes he shits himself and I've got to clean it up.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29You know, we've all got those bits that we don't like doing, you know?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31But sometimes, you've got to clean the shit up.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33So, Dr Wayne Rooney...
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Oh, you know, my heart goes fluttery every time you say his name.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I don't think you'll... You won't be seeing him again.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42He's no longer with us.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Kimberly, what are you trying to say, darling?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49If you were married, you would be a widow.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Sorry, this is confusing me a little bit.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I'm saying that he's...he's passed.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56But I don't understand quite what you're trying to tell me.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- I'm trying to say that... - Spit it out.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01You won't be seeing him again.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Are you trying to tell... Wuh...
0:10:04 > 0:10:05You... Wuh...
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Ah... Ah...
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Are you trying...? Wuh... Are you trying to say...?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Are you trying to tell me...? Ah!
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Hmm.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Is that what's... Wuh! Is that what's going on, Kimberly?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Are you telling me...?- Yes, no...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25..that my Wayne is dead?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27ADELE BLEATS AND CRIES
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I'm going to fall over, Kimberly. Why are you laughing, Kimberly?!
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- I'm not laughing.- Did you...?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37ADELE SOBS
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Oh, Kimberly, it hurts so much!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49ADELE BLEATS KIMBERLEY LAUGHS
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Argh, Kimberly, you're going to have to hold me!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I don't know how to cope with it.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- Wah!- Hey, hey, what the hell is going on here?!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Hey, hey, hey, what did you say? What did you say to her?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I told her what you told me to say without saying it.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08From what I can see, you've... Did you say the word "dead"?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- No.- Tell me, did you say the word "dead"?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- I didn't say the word "dead"! - Was the word "dead" mentioned?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- No!- Did anyone say "dead" in here? - She, she said "dead". I didn't...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Well done! Looks like I'm going to have to clear this dog shit up.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- ADELE GURGLES AND CRIES - Hey, hey, get up, up!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- I don't think that's the way to... - Get up. Get off, get off me!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Get off me!- No, don't! - Get off me! Up, get up! Get up!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Get up! Get up now! Up.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32What kind of animal are you?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I'm not here to play "guess the animal",
0:11:34 > 0:11:36although it is a really fun game to play...
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Listen, I'm here to solve a murder case -
0:11:40 > 0:11:45a murder that I think was committed by a cranky, weird witch.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I'm talking about you, by the way.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Look what I found. Wait till you read this, her diary.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Read.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56"I love Dr Rooney so much, I could squeeze him to death."
0:11:56 > 0:11:58"Squeeze him to death." Sound like murder talk, Wyatt?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Sounds like murder talk.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01You were my friend.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05We've never met before.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07You going to arrest me, or what?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- Well, we... - We don't have any evidence...
0:12:09 > 0:12:10We can't actually arrest you.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14We were hoping that if we sort of went pretty tough on you and...
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Well, when you got really upset,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18you might just confess to the whole thing.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Get out!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I think she wants us to leave.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Get out!- Well, yeah, well... Better be off.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Um, I hope you get well soon. Um...
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Yeah.- Shall we go?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Well, this went a lot better than I thought it would.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38'Time to kill two birds with one break.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42'Dr Obama was my friend, my bum doctor and a suspect in the case.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44'Hey, that's three birds!'
0:12:44 > 0:12:46KNOCKS AT DOOR
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Oh, er... Do come in. Come in, please.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Come in, Kimberly. Go on, we're all grown-ups here.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- Are you OK there? - Yes, I'm fine, this is Dr Obama.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59He's just having a quick look at my arsehole.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Hmm.- So, yeah. Just giving it a little check out.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03He's a dear, dear friend of mine.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Sadly, your er...
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Your name has come up in the case that we are researching,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- a murder case.- Oh.- Yes, yes. - And I'm afraid I...! Eh!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I have to ask you a couple of routine questions.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Hey, that's OK, buddy. I'm happy to help.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Um, Kimberly, would you mind asking the...questions?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Um, Dr Obama...- Yeah?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26When was the last time you saw Dr Wayne Rooney?
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Um, I'm not quite sure. A few... A few days ago.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- A few days ago?- Yeah.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Argh! Dig a little deeper.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37SLEET SCREAMS
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- Deep enough?- I was talking to Kimberly.- Oh! Sorry, big man.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Is it painful?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Yeah, he's got his fingers right up my arse.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46This is disgusting.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Please, continue, Kimberly.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Er... Dr Obama, what was your relationship to the victim?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Well, I wouldn't call it a relationship. Not like this.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59You know, I employed him.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02In fact, he was one of the worst doctors this hospital has ever seen.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07- So I always tended to give him... - SLEET MOANS
0:14:07 > 0:14:08A wide berth.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Ugh!
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Uh...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15This is a little awkward, Sleet.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I'm sorry, is there any more questions before...?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19There's one more.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Dr Obama, do you have a murderous grudge against Dr Wayne Rooney?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24SLEET SCREAMS
0:14:24 > 0:14:26What the hell is going on here, Sleet?!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Jesus! It was her words, not mine.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Now put your clothes on, we're done here.- Oh, dear.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Goddammit!
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Listen, Obama...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39..a man's lying dead and rumours around the Met are
0:14:39 > 0:14:42you had beef with him. Real beef.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46That goddamn son of a bitch held this hospital back every day.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48That's right, every day!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51You know, if you want something done around here,
0:14:51 > 0:14:52you have to do it yourself.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- Well, OK.- Now, get the hell out of my office!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Kimberly, my golf clubs, please. Get them.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Yeah.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Not the bag, the bag's his.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Just the clubs.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- All of them? - That's right, take that shit!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10No, not the bag, just...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Kimberly, stop playing around.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Be careful with the bag, now.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Make as much of a mess of the bag as you want to.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- You touch that bag... - Hey, hey, hey! You leave her alone!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21My arse is the last thing you'll be touching today.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25But you're going somewhere where everyone touches arses.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27You're going to prison.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30That's where your arse-fingering skills will come into play,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32when you're fingering your cell mates...
0:15:32 > 0:15:33What are you doing?!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35OK, this is distracting!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Yeah, it's distracting to us both. Wyatt, stop being so silly.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39KIMBERLEY GIGGLES
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Come on, they're golf clubs, goddammit!
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Kimberly, Kimberly, also grab my book about fine French cheeses,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47and wines and other French stuff.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Yeah, take that shit! I never liked it anyway!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Oh, really?!- No.- Well, I brought... I searched for ages for that book!
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- Well, it didn't have no pictures on it.- No?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- It only had words, and I don't read. - Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor!
0:15:59 > 0:16:03I assumed that you had a higher IQ than a buffoon.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06No, if you're going to buy me a book, buy me a book with pictures, Goddammit!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Well, if I was still your friend and I didn't hate your guts,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I'd buy you a book with b... Words and pictures.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Well, it's a good thing you can't get the words out of your mouth right now!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Well, you know what I can get out of my mouth?- What's that? - KIMBERLY LAUGHS
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- That, spit. There, I spat on your floor.- You spat on my floor?!
0:16:20 > 0:16:24- Yeah, I spat right on your... - You spat on my floor! I dare you to spit on the floor again!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Well, I'm not going to do it now, because want me to do it.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Spit on the floor!- I'm not going to do it because you want... - Spit on the floor!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Spit on the floor! Look, I just spat on the floor!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Yeah, I did it, too.- I've just spat on the floor!- Yeah, we both spat.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37It's my floor! If anyone's going to spit on my floor, it's me!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Well, OK.- Goddammit! - Why don't you spit on the floor?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- Spit on the floor!- Spit on the floor!- Spit on the floor!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Spit on the floor, Wyatt! - Spit on the Goddamn floor!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Wyatt, on the floor! - Right there, right there!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- KIMBERLY LAUGHS Pft...- Sleet, that's pathetic!- Yeah?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50We're out of here!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Yeah, get out of here! - I've seen enough!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I have to get my clothes, get my clothes.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Carry these, too. Good girl, good sweet girl.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59That's right. Yeah.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Kimberly, stop being silly. - KIMBERLY GIGGLES
0:17:03 > 0:17:08We'll see you around, when this case comes to a close!
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Get the door.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11This is really awkward now, Sleet.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Oh, yeah?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18That's awkward, huh? Come on, let's go. What are you doing?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Your mother! - Yeah, yours, your mother!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Come on, what are you doing? Wyatt, hurry up.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Yeah, see you around!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- We'll see you around, Obama! - Good! Get out of here!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Son of a bitch!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Let's get ourselves a seat and go through what we've learnt.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39All right.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44SLEET GROANS
0:17:44 > 0:17:45You can't beat a hospital chair.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Listen, Wyatt.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I've spoken to the poindexters at High Tech
0:17:51 > 0:17:53and I've got these.
0:17:53 > 0:17:59It's snaps of footage from the CCTV outside the hospital toilets.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03That's almost certainly Rooney's killer.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04It's a girl.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Yeah, or some prick in a wig.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Mm - and a skirt.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Yeah, it's kind of weird.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13What...?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Oh, these are just...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19just some snaps that I've got for dating.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Um...- I'm just putting myself back out there, back on the market.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27I thought I'd take some sexy avant-garde snaps of myself.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Wow! What does that have to do with me?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Well, you're a girl, I believe.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36So, I was going to see if you could run your sweet eyes over them
0:18:36 > 0:18:37and see what you thought.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Which ones really got you going?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Well, that one's a... That one's pretty special.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Does it leave you breathless?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I don't know if "breathless" would be the word I'd use.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Do you like it?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Yeah.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53OK, so you think I should have that one as my dating profile?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Yeah, do you want me to set you one up?
0:18:55 > 0:18:56I could set it up online.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- Well...really, would you?- Yeah. - What would you say about me?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I would say,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05"A tall dark and handsome man is looking for love."
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Ah, shall we go and try and solve a crime?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Yes. Let's get back to work. - Let's do it.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15SLEET GROANS
0:19:15 > 0:19:19'There was only one more person on the ward at the time of the murder -
0:19:19 > 0:19:23'eminent surgeon Bob Geldof, which left us with two questions:
0:19:23 > 0:19:25'How will we get inside the operating theatre
0:19:25 > 0:19:28'and what the heck did "eminent" mean?'
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Bingo! Meet Valerie Fannington, the new you.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39You're going to go undercover, see what you make of Geldof.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Mm-hmm.- You ready for this?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- I think so.- I think we're going to have to work on your voice.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45You're meant to be a head surgeon.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Can you do a Mary Poppins impression?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: Hello, my name is Valerie.- ..Fannington.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- ..Fannington.- That's very good.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Where shall I change?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Well, not here in the corridor, because then everyone would see you.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59What about this little dark room here?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Yeah.- I'll watch out and make sure that no-one else sees you.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04MOCKNEY ACCENT: All right. thanks, Sleet.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- MOCKNEY ACCENT:- Any time, milady.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13All right, where do you think the best place to start on this fella is, Dr Murray?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Well, I always trust your opinion, of course,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18but I should say you'd go directly into...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21For Christ's sake! Did nobody teach you how to knock?!
0:20:21 > 0:20:26I do know how to knock, but I just didn't think it was necessary.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29OK, so help me on with my gloves, will you, Dr Fannington?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32My hands are worth too much fucking money
0:20:32 > 0:20:34for me to be fannying about putting them on myself!
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Come on, would you hurry up there?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38In the time that you have taken to do this,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I could have built a water station in Africa!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Clear! Great, that's fantastic.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Did you use to work in Customs?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Have you done full body cavity searches before?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- You see that?- Well done, Fannington. - Quick fix.- Well done.- Yeah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Let's do the other one, shall we? Great stuff.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56OK, Dr Murray,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58would you explain to amateur Amy here
0:20:58 > 0:21:01exactly what we're supposed to be doing to
0:21:01 > 0:21:04this worthless, bloody waste of space patient here.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Yeah, it's actually a really tricky liver transplant,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11but er, yeah, I'm pretty confident, because Dr Geldof here
0:21:11 > 0:21:15is a formidable surgeon, which is obviously great for the patient.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Christ! All right, would you listen to that voice?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20It's like working with a bloody washing machine!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22OK, before we start,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25we're going to have to know exactly what surgical implements we need.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26So first of all,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29pass me the intramedullary kinetic bone distractor.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35OK, Dr Fannington, I don't know who the fuck you are,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38but you are certainly not a surgeon, that's for sure!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I'm as much of a surgeon as you are.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Put the scalpel down and put the kettle on!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Shit's about to get detective-y.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50For God's sake, you can't just come barging in here!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I'm about to perform a liver transplant,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55or something equally as difficult!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I'm not here for a social visit.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Nice!- I'm here about a murder case.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02This isn't Valerie Fannington.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05This is Kimberly Wyatt - and she's no surgeon.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07And she's not even posh.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08No, that's for sure.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Hey, let's get back to the case.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11What do you want to know, then?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Dr Geldof, did you know that
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Dr Rooney was re-training to be a surgeon?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Were you worried about having competition?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20BOB GELDOF LAUGHS
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Listen, there's only one head surgeon around here
0:22:23 > 0:22:26and he's in my bloody underpants.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27You've got that right!
0:22:27 > 0:22:31That cretin couldn't operate a bucket of shite
0:22:31 > 0:22:32without a label on the handle.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Hey, just watch it round the pretty lady!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Just tell me what you want to know,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41you great big bloody bulbous bloody round eejit!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Oh, I see.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46You're playing the insult card.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Mm-hmm.- Well, you see your face?
0:22:48 > 0:22:49- Mm-hmm?- It's all bent out of shape,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52like a kid's been playing with Play-Doh,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54but they don't know how to make good shapes
0:22:54 > 0:22:56and they've come up with your stupid face.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00You see that thing that on top of your... On top of your body, there?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- Yeah, my head.- Your potato.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Oh, really? - That's right. Your potato.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09You look like, um.. What's it called, um...?
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Mr Potato Head?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12No! Um, a prick!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Oh, right, yeah. You know your hair?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Yeah.- You look like you brush your hair with a greasy old pork chop.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Oh, really?- You like when you've finished brushing your hair
0:23:20 > 0:23:23with the pork chop, you eat it and then you French kiss a dog.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- You know what, you are like... - No, I'll tell you what,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- it's my go, it's my go... - No, no, you look like...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Because you've got that moustache on,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32you look like the bloke out of The Joy Of Sex,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34but who's put on about 13st.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36So you wouldn't get in the book any more.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38You'd be like the obese version of that.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41So, you'd look like a pair of sausages
0:23:41 > 0:23:44slamming home into another sausage.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I actually think we should start thinking about
0:23:46 > 0:23:48continuing with the operation,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51on the basis that the anaesthetic actually works
0:23:51 > 0:23:53within a specific timeframe,
0:23:53 > 0:23:57which will create time pressure problems if we don't get started.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Who in the name of golden hell is this boring piece of crap?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Er, yeah, I'm Dr Andy Murray and I'm an anaesthetist.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Christ almighty, what the hell?! - Basically I'm in charge of...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Pass me... Would you pass me my cheese grater?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Jesus Christ! Kimberly, just pinch me as hard as you can...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13..for any given operation that can vary...
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Just so I can stay awake, keep pinching. That's it.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20- Pinch me, Kimberly. It's like he is literally pissing on my brain. - DR ANDY MURRAY DRONES ON
0:24:20 > 0:24:22God, if you listen to his voice,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24it's enough to drive a man to murder!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Oh, really?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Very interesting.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It's an analogy, you eejit!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32As if I would be able to murder anybody!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34ECG BEEPS RAPIDLY
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- ECG FLATLINES - What does that mean?
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Oh, God!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Is he with us still? - No, the guy is... The guy is gone.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45So, if you don't mind, if you're not going to take me in,
0:24:45 > 0:24:49then would you get out and let me get on with my job?
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Yes, by all means.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Um, you won't tell anyone we were here, will you?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Just pretend it was an accident.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00All right, I'll deal with it.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Well, more than happy to give you this as a...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- As a bung?- Just say that we weren't here.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10If you would. Come on, let's go, Kimberly. Ssh, quietly.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13'So who killed Dr Rooney?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16'Adele, Obama, Geldof?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18'Time for Kimberly to see that
0:25:18 > 0:25:20'life's not all sleep-overs and pillow fights.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22'She was a cop now.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25'We didn't sleep and we did our fighting with guns!'
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Do you think you know who killed Dr Wayne Rooney?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I know who the murderer is.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36You need to shout out the killer into this.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Tell them to come out with their hands high
0:25:38 > 0:25:40and say, "No funny business."
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- No funny business. - If they try any funny business,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- you're going to have to take the shot.- OK.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46- Ready?- I'm ready.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Would it be weird if we kissed before this?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51It would be weird. We shouldn't. No kisses.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54OK, fine. Just trying to throw it out there. Do it.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Dr Bob Geldof, come out with your hands above your head!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- And no funny business! - Get your gun ready.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Steady, steady...
0:26:08 > 0:26:09- There he is.- Steady.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Steady...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14He's going for something, take the shot!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17GUN FIRES TWICE
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I've still got so much to do!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24He ain't got nothing to do but die.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Did it.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29How do you feel?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Well, I'm just hoping it's the right guy.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- Ha, yeah, I'm pretty sure it is.- Really?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Do you feel confident it's the right guy?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- I do, I feel confident. - First killing?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Yeah, first killing.- Well done.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- What's that?! What's that?! - Oh, it's the Chief.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Who's responsible for this, please?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47One Kimberly Wyatt, sir.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Kimberly Wyatt, why?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Cos he's a murderer.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- "Cos he's a murderer?"- Yes.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57What... How... Explain yourself.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- There was one particular clue, it's the RSI.- ..Syndrome.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05..Syndrome, and er, Dr Geldof was unable to use his hands.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07He had to... I had to put his gloves on
0:27:07 > 0:27:10and he had motive, he was jealous.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12So, he definitely is the murderer.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Um, Kimberly, you've blown me away by how stupid you are.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Oh, no.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19You just shot an innocent civilian.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- No!- Yes, yes.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24The killer was Obama! Of course it was Obama.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- Really?- Yes, really.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28- No way.- Why?
0:27:28 > 0:27:32You should have known, Dr Geldof wasn't injured.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34His hands were precious, because he told you...
0:27:34 > 0:27:36My hands are worth too much fucking money
0:27:36 > 0:27:39for me to be fannying about putting them on myself!
0:27:39 > 0:27:43He would never have risked them by bandaging a victim elaborately.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46You stay here and listen to this! Yes?
0:27:46 > 0:27:47I got it wrong.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51The problem was, Dr Obama, yes, had a wrist support in his office.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54You saw it. It was next to the cheese book.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- It was.- Yes, yes, it was.- It was.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01The hospital was failing, that's why he decided to bump Rooney off,
0:28:01 > 0:28:05because Rooney was a notoriously shit surgeon, yes?
0:28:05 > 0:28:07You witnessed some CCTV footage.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Yes? You saw what looked like a nurse going into the crime scene.
0:28:11 > 0:28:16That nurse's outfit was hanging on a stand in his office.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20- Oh, damn.- Hmm.- What have you got to say for yourself?
0:28:20 > 0:28:21I'm really upset.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24You're really upset? You're fired! Go home.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28And you, you flaccid weeble-wobble - go home, too!
0:28:28 > 0:28:29I'm sick of the sight of you.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Why am I so weepy?!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Uh-oh. We got it wrong.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36- Hey.- I feel bad.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Don't you dare feel bad about it, I don't want to see you cry,
0:28:39 > 0:28:41it'll break my goddamn heart.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45- Listen, we might not be colleagues any more...- Aw.
0:28:45 > 0:28:46but we're friends, right?
0:28:46 > 0:28:50- Yeah.- Come on you, let's go and get a drink.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- OK.- And you know, if maybe we have one drink too many
0:28:53 > 0:28:56and end up having sex, I won't tell your husband about it.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58- Sleet...- What?
0:28:58 > 0:28:59We won't be having sex.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01OK, fair enough. Is that definite?
0:29:03 > 0:29:06MUSIC: Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac