0:00:07 > 0:00:11Hi, I'm Louis Smith and usually I'm an Olympic gymnast,
0:00:11 > 0:00:13but today I'm going to be a detective.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14I don't know who's been murdered,
0:00:14 > 0:00:16who the suspects are or what's going to happen to me.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Wish me luck, I'm off to Successville.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22This programme contains some strong language
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law,
0:00:28 > 0:00:32and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Around here they say detectives are like toilet plungers -
0:00:37 > 0:00:40no-one thinks they need one until they do.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm DI Sleet, Homicide,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45and this is my life. Take it or leave it.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Actually, would you mind leaving it?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48It's the only one I've got.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04I was asleep, dreaming I ran a successful dog-walking business
0:01:04 > 0:01:07and one of my regular customers was in, complaining.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Wake up!- I didn't touch her.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10This is a police station, yes?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Not the San Francisco doss house for enormous fucking layabouts!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- I've got you some fresh blood. - Like it.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Oi, rookie, inside, quick as you can, please.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22- Hi, Sir.- Hello, how are you?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- I'm well, thank you. - Yeah? Good. This is DI Sleet.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28He'll be taking you under his big, hairy, sweaty bingo wing,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31but don't get too comfy, because sooner or later,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34you're going to have to learn to walk on your own two bollocks.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- You savvy? - I'm good, thank you, yes.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- Good.- I feel good today.- I'm glad to hear it, Chief. Take a seat.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44So, Louis Antoine Smith. Been reading your CV.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48It's pretty cool. Done a lot of shit in your life.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- Thanks.- But guess what?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52You ain't made of paper and ink.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57You're made of flesh and bones and fingers and hair and semen.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00True, very true statement.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Can I keep this for my records?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Yeah.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- It's a nice picture.- Thanks.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13LOUIS LAUGHS
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Where's that black roll-neck from?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Zara.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Really nice bit of kit.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23So, are you in good shape now?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I work out regularly, yeah. I think so.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Do you think you could beat me in a press-up challenge?
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- Probably.- OK, I like this.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Let's do this, kid, let's go head-to-head. Are you ready?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37How many are we doing?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38205.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39OK.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41You count.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45One. Two. Are you OK?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- I actually feel a bit of numbness in my left arm, is that right?- Um...
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Oi, you two, stop sitting in a tree K-I-S-Yes-I-N-G
0:02:53 > 0:02:57and get down to Forensics double quick, there's been a murder,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- yes? Lindsay Lohan.- The pharmacist?
0:02:59 > 0:03:00The pharmacist.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Damn it, she was a contestant in tonight's beauty contest
0:03:03 > 0:03:05that I'm honoured to be a judge on.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Well no-one's going to any beauty contest, yes,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10until this murder is solved!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Young man, don't let me down, I've high hopes.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Oh, ooh, ooh!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Looks like school's in and it's double history time.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23But instead of double, it's single.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27And instead of history, it's murder.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Are you ready for this?
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Yes, sir.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Then let's go solve a crime.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Time was of the essence.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38We hot-tailed it to Forensics to see pathologist
0:03:38 > 0:03:40and all-round desperate loser, Richard Hammond.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43SLEET WHISTLES
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Here, boy. Hammond?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Richard?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Sleet! Hey, how are you doing, my great drinking buddy?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Great to see you.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Look at him, walking in here like six foot of brilliant.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- Amazing, great to see you. - Hey, what are you doing?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Well, just kissing, French kissing. Hi...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- No, no, this is not a kiss picnic. - Right.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- This is a murder case. - Yes, of course it is.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Good. We're here about the murder of Lindsay Lohan.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Yes, er, Lindsay Lohan. Murdered last night.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- But that's a hell of a tan she's got on.- That's right.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Ah, he's only gone and spotted the actual murder weapon.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19That's how good he is. Star detective. Yes?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Bloody star champ.- Yep, thank you. - Bloody champ man.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- OK...- The champon-iser. - All right, yes.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Yes, the Equaliser. Bloody Sherlock Holmes, yes?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Yes, well, I like to think so, yes.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Spotted it.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Thank you very much. - You're like Hercules Poirot.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34- Listen...- What?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- Stop doing that.- What?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Comparing me to other fictional detectives.- Right.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- I'm an actual real-life detective. - Right.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43A detective that goes out and solves crimes, that detects things.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Your joke only works if the person you're talking about
0:04:46 > 0:04:47- isn't a detective. OK?- Right.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49When you do it about me, it's quite offensive.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Right. Oh, damn it! Bad, I'm a bad dog.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Bad dog man. In your bed! Blooper alert, whoop!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Rewind, selecta.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01HE MURMURS HAPPILY
0:05:02 > 0:05:05God, I'm a bad man, aren't I? I'm a bad man.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06- No, you're just a...- Bad man.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Are you finished?
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Yes. Anyway, the tan was the murder weapon,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13sprayed head to foot in some kind of poison.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16OK, we'd better be off. We've got a murder to solve.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- Come on, kid. - Look, just before you go,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21this footprint was found at the murder scene.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24That's a size nine. Shoe Zone, DIY boot.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I know it anywhere.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I'm a genius at guessing people's shoe sizes.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It's my top five talent.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- You're lucky to be working with this guy.- Yes, he is.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Right, so is that something to do with the murder case...?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Yes, it is. Now, I've got a theory, I've got a theory.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Don't get annoyed. This theory is that this murder
0:05:41 > 0:05:44is linked to another two cases last week.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45- OK.- Yes.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46So we're looking at a serial killer.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48This is the file.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Kid, read it for me.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"Previous reports on spray tan murders.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56"Paris Hilton and Amy Childs were found dead in Vladimir Putin's gym."
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Interesting.- "They were both due to appear in the beauty contest."
0:05:59 > 0:06:02The beauty contest that I'm...?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Judging.- Because I'm...?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Well respected in beauty judging.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Thank you, Louis, that's very kind of you.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Right, take that with you. Let's go solve a crime.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14See you, Sleet.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15He's a strange guy.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19First up, Vladimir Putin, one touchy son of a Tsar.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Since the steam room murders, he made his gym men only.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24He seemed a lot happier that way.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25A LOT happier.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Guys, that's it for this session.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Next up, three-hour wrestling session. My favourite, OK?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32So, go get your bodies ready.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35And remember what I told you, you must oil the entire torso.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Go! Go, go. Now, come on.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Hop to it, dick flick.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Well, well, well.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45What have we here?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49It's like an amateur production of Of Mice And Men.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Squeak, squeak!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Very funny, but we're not mice and we're not men.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57We're cops. Get that, butt-head?
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Don't call me butt-head, please.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01That's your name, isn't it? Vladimir Butt-head.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Is that written down somewhere?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Didn't you hear his name was Butt-head?- Da.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I know, duh.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09What's that? Is that a joke that you two have made up about me?
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Yeah, duh, duh.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- You know what this is? - Oh, yeah, I know what that is.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16That's you, right there, that's what you are.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Big one of them.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Super immature.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I'm sorry, we've got some questions for you. Haven't we?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24OK. Slow down, Mr Eager Beaver.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Are you not going to introduce me to your friend here?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Oh, yeah...- What's her name, hmm? - Excuse me?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32What's your name? Feisty one.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Detective Louis Smith.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38So, Louie, I'd ask if you go to the gym, but clearly you do.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- What do you describe yourself? Like, a gym bunny?- Hey!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Want to do some...?- Hey! - Do you want to do...- Hey! Hey!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46We haven't got time to stand around here talking about
0:07:46 > 0:07:48what kind of gym guy he is.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I'm the judge in a prestigious beauty contest.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I'm a judge in the contest too, Sleet,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- don't get your...knickers in a twist, OK?- How, why, what...?
0:07:55 > 0:07:59I'm just talking to Louie, my new friend. More than friends.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Wha...? Wha...?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I'm not answering any of your questions until I get
0:08:02 > 0:08:05a little time talking gym talk between me and this guy, OK?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06So be it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Why don't you go and use the machines? Do your wife a favour.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13(Listen kid, I want to have a little look around,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16(see if I can find some evidence.)
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Hey. Alone at last. Talk about playing gooseberry.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22OK, let's just drop all this serious stuff
0:08:22 > 0:08:24and play tag wrestling.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26You ever played towel tag?
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Can't say I have.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I'll do mine, show you what... And then I put this in.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Move your arms, or I'm not going to be able to stick it
0:08:32 > 0:08:33down your trousers.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Good lord!
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Well, you certainly are a big gymnast.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45On three, try and get the towel off me. One, three!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47We're doing questions after this, right?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50For sure, yeah. Whoa. Whoa.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Are you going to get my towel?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57PUTIN LAUGHS
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I win.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01So much fun. OK, let's do it again.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- 1-0.- 1-0.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I can't believe I'm being beaten by a big girlie gymnast.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08This time, when you grab it out - if you do -
0:09:08 > 0:09:11you can take it out a little bit slower.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14You know, like slowly and look me in the eye.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Do I need to look you in the eye?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Do you want to?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20It's getting a little bit odd. It's a bit strange.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22OK, ready? Go again!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Slowly, do it slowly.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Well done, 2-0.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Can I have it back, please? I made a mess.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Do you want to hug it out, this?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39You win, but everyone wins in Putin's Gym.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40(I'm very lonely.)
0:09:43 > 0:09:45That steam room's disgusting.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47LOUIS CHUCKLES
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Disgusting men.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Impressed?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I'm impressed that you're still alive.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Your cholesterol must be through the roof.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Sleet, you're like rear end of dog -
0:10:00 > 0:10:03all business and horrible when I touch them.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Well, you know what I believe?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I believe you're a scum-bag who's going to answer some questions.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Er, what size shoe are you?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Er, 44 European size, why?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Next question.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Can you please explain why two girls were found,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22fully spray-tanned, dead in your gym?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Women!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Silly, vain creatures.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Only concerned with their waistlines and how deep their tans are.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32How I despise them.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36They were dying to get skinny and tanned.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38If you ask me, they got their wish.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41You know what they say - you can't please all of the people
0:10:41 > 0:10:45all of the time, but you're pleasing none of the people none of the time.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Ah!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48You're lucky I don't pound the shit out of you
0:10:48 > 0:10:50right in front of him now.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Luckily for you, Russians have...
0:10:53 > 0:10:54- Don't touch my arm.- Listen...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- Oh! - Don't forget who you're talking to.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Look over there, there's a squirrel! - Where?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01THEY GRUNT
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Take your hands off me!
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Come on, count to three!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13One, two, three! Whoo!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Sleet!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16My man!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Yeah. You just got owned.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Help me, Louis.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Hey! Let's get out of here.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I won't forget this, Sleet!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Was there any need?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31There's always a need. Hey, here's one for you.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35I used to be able to jump through the windows of this car.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Those days are long gone.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42So kid, how are you finding your first day?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45It's actually really cool.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- "Cool?"- Cool.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- "Cool?"- You know, you get into the police force because you think
0:11:50 > 0:11:54it's going to be cool and it's going to be fun and stuff, and it has.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57But I feel like we're on the right track.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Yes, but I don't think we're in the region of being "cool."
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Well, I think we're cool. We're... We're cool.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10Let's leave the "cool" talk to the bars and nightclubs.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12LOUIS LAUGHS
0:12:14 > 0:12:17You're a trickster, aren't you?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I'm a what?! "A trickster?"
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I'd like us to get on as buddies and partners.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25But let me tell you...
0:12:26 > 0:12:31..if you keep on acting up and being "cool",
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I'll see you run through.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- Got it.- Good.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Enough of this, let's get out of here.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Smith had found his cajones.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Would he be such a smart-arse with the next suspect, Kim Kardashian -
0:12:50 > 0:12:55psychopath, killer and contestant in tonight's beauty pageant?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"Kim was put in a psychiatric institute for the criminally insane
0:12:58 > 0:13:01"after having been found guilty of killing five people
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"because she thought they were prettier than her."
0:13:03 > 0:13:07She'll play ball if you're as nasty and as evil as you can be.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Are you OK with that?
0:13:08 > 0:13:12I'll put my street voice on. I can be a bit thuggish sometimes.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- What you talking about, bruv? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- No, no, no, no, no. - Those shoes aren't Chanel.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20What was the clicking thing?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Being a diva. I've seen it on a television show, I think.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Well, you're not on TV now, Smith.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25I know. OK.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27This is a murder case,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29and I really urge you to take it a little bit more seriously.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- Head in the game.- Exactly.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34You going down! I'm in.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Listen, that sexy psycho will eat you for breakfast.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40There's enough of me for lunch and dinner.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Well, isn't somebody someone else's biggest fan?
0:13:43 > 0:13:44No, I'm just saying, you know...
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Oh, I know what you're saying.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I'm a big guy, she's a small girl, she can't eat all of me.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Let's just get the information we need.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Yes, let's do that, Smith, and stop larking around.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- OK.- OK?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Listen, the main thing to remember when you're in there -
0:13:58 > 0:14:00don't cross the red line, whatever you do.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Now go solve a crime, Louis Smith!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Hey, Kim.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08I have a few questions for you.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11What are you looking at me all weird like that for?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14SHE WHISTLES Excuse me?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16No.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I can smell your penis.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23I did shower this morning.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Does it like me?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28I don't know, you'll have to ask it. I mean, er...
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Do you like me?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Do you like me?- Kim?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Can you look at me here, please?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Do you think you've got what it takes...
0:14:42 > 0:14:43..to pump me?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51It's, um, it's a question that... I'm asking the questions here.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54KIM LAUGHS Not you.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I only meant for information, you naughty, naughty boy.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Can you concentrate, please?
0:15:00 > 0:15:04I want you to rate me on a scale from one to ten.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Like on a website? Yeah.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Zero.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09OK. Zero.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Zero.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13KIM SOBS
0:15:13 > 0:15:16It's the wrong answer, you, asshole! I won't be criticised!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- Louis, get out of there! - Your face is my face! Oh, my God!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Get out.- You think you're prettier than me? I have a brother!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I'm going to tear your fucking...! Argh!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Wow, wow, wow!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Well done, Smith.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32She needs some serious help.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34That's why she's here with two big guys
0:15:34 > 0:15:36putting her in a straitjacket.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Hey kid, let's turn it round. Go nice.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41- Be lovely, Louis.- Yeah.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Lou-Lou Bear.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44That's more my forte.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- Oh, is it?- Yeah.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47I'm coming in there with you.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51You obviously can't be left alone with a serial killer right now.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52I need the back-up.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Take a seat, kid.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02It's OK, kid, you can cross the red line.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I was just yanking your pisser about that.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13- How are you?- I'm sorry I'm not pretty enough for you.- You are pretty.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15It's just so hard to stay beautiful when you're locked-up all day.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- I can understand.- Yeah. - But you look great as it is.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- Oh! You're like my sister.- Yeah.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24You know, me and my sisters, we always kiss.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26We always kiss. Always.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27- Do you?- Yeah.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Are you my sister?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33I think so... Um, yeah...
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- Oh!- Ahem, sorry Kim.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Hey, hey, what's that all about?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46All the flirting. Don't forget where you are.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Remember, you've crossed the line.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50But you said I could cross it.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53(I said you could cross this line, but you're crossing another line.)
0:16:53 > 0:16:54(So, not a real line?)
0:16:54 > 0:16:56(Not this line, this line you're fine to cross.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58(There's two lines, metaphorically.)
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Sir, I'm getting really confused by your mixed messages.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- I'm...- You said don't cross the line, then you said I could cross
0:17:03 > 0:17:06the line and now you're saying I am crossing the line and I shouldn't...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I'm saying you're... Listen, OK?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10In your head, I want you to imagine two lines.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12One's this line, the other one's this line.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15This line you're more than welcome to cross, jump over it all you can.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17The other line... (Told you no.)
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- OK.- Sorry, Kim.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21One question.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23One question. After we've kissed.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Sisters.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Sir?- Well, you're going to have to kiss her now.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30You've started a whole kissing trade thing, haven't you?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33There you go.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Can't be leaving work with lipstick on.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Well, maybe you shouldn't have started kissing, that sounds fair.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40That's certainly true.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Where were you at the time of the murder?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Where was I?! Oh, my God!
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Let me think. Hmm... Oh, yeah, I remember.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I was on day release.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Oh, I needed a little bit of me time, you know,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59because um, this place, it drives me crazy.
0:18:02 > 0:18:08So I took a walk along the beach, just me and the sand.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09But I didn't enjoy it.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Why not?
0:18:11 > 0:18:15No-one was there to see me! No-one!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Not anyone, I was on my own!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19KIM SOBS
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Not even one photograph!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I was on my own!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26OK.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Where's my sister? I want my sister!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Uh, thank you for your time, Kim.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Hey, imagine being married to that.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Do you know what? She reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43Ha-ha. That's what we call in the station "banter". Come on.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48Our final suspect was Russell Brand, a fancy dan businessman
0:18:48 > 0:18:51and organiser of tonight's beauty pageant.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Like a man walking down Dogshit Alley, we had to tread carefully.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Oh, welcome, welcome,
0:18:59 > 0:19:04roll up one and all, I should reckon as like, to the Brand Emporium.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Hello, Russell. We're here about a crime.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Oh, where are my manners?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11This is my new partner, Louis Smith. Louis, Russell Brand.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Nice to meet you, Russell. - Nice to meet you.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Yeah, that is my name, whatever that means.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20And this is me shop. Consider me a picker-up of unconsidered trifles
0:19:20 > 0:19:23and me lowly dolly shop an home for flotsam and jetsam.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26OK, big dick, we have some questions.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27No, you only think you do - right? -
0:19:27 > 0:19:30because you've been brainwashed - ain't you? - by the state.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32It's wormed its way into your head
0:19:32 > 0:19:34and making your brain work all funny.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36You don't need nothing, mate. No, you don't.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39If you wanted to, you could burn all your clothes
0:19:39 > 0:19:41and live on an island for nothing, mate.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Well, I don't want to burn my clothes and live on an island.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- No?- Are you aware there's been a spate of murders in town?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Yeah, I did hear something... - PHONE RINGS
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Hold up, it's only the dog and bone, ain't it.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I shall be with you in just a mo, sure as eggs is eggs,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58sure as I'm standing here, sure as the sea is blue.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- Hello?- God, that guy's a creep.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Yeah, it is.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05But don't allow the man control you simply by the use of a moniker.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Yeah, it is Russell Brand and yeah, it's tonight.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11As a matter of fact, one place has just come up, as luck would have it.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13It'll cost you five grand, mate.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Are you seeing what I'm seeing, kid?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Yeah.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Dodgy character.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Yeah, all right, mate, I'll see you tonight. Good luck.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Love you, love you!
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Listen here, this beauty pageant of yours
0:20:27 > 0:20:29is becoming quite a deadly affair, wouldn't you say?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31It's a dreadful business and no mistake.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I loves them girls, loves them like they was me own.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38None of them deserved to be spray-tanned to death, mate.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Well, considering it's only the police that know that
0:20:40 > 0:20:43the women were killed by the spray tan,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45how would you know, considering we haven't mentioned it today?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I've got my ears to the ground, mate.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Listen, Brand, you wise-cracking piece of shit,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53you're officially a suspect in a murder case.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Are you pointing a finger at me, mate?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Are you trying to say that I've got dirt under me fingernails
0:20:57 > 0:20:59and the shadow of crime hanging over me?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Because if you are, you need to think again, mate,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03because I can take away your place on the panel
0:21:03 > 0:21:06if you think there's foul play at work, mate.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Please don't.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10The pageant's all I have.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12My wife's left me and my kids aren't talking to me.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I'm living in the back of someone else's car.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17The pageant's the only thing I've got left to look forward to.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I'll tell you what, Sleet, I won't gives away your place on the panel.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22You can keep it, right?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24But I've got to put the finishing touches to me contest.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Now, get out of me shop. Shove off!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28We'll be on our way.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30We'll see you later, at the beauty pageant
0:21:30 > 0:21:32that I'm still a judge on, right?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Absolutely, Sleet, don't you worry about that, Sir.- Come on, boy.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39That evening, we got a mysterious call from Lily Allen,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41reporter for the local rag.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44She had some creamy intel about the case.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48We headed over to meet her at the abandoned library.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49# Georgie Porgie... #
0:21:49 > 0:21:51It's creepy, bruv.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52It's weird, huh?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Somewhat therapeutic.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Yeah, it's got its own tone to it, I've got to say.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01# Killed the girls to make them... #
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Lily! Sweet Lily.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05It's OK, Lily. We're here.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06What did you want to tell us?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08The killer. I knew I was onto something,
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- that's why they tried to kill me. - OK.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I can tell you who it is, I think...
0:22:12 > 0:22:13OK, tell us, wait there.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Lily, Lily, hold it, save it a moment.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Save it a sweet moment. I've got my trusty pen.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21A funny story about this pen. I got it when I was 18.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- You know, never run out of... - Sir? Sir, she's dying.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Oh, I'm sorry. Listen, I'll write it down here.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Lily...- Oh, the killer... - Lily, wait there.- Why...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Wait there. What the hell is this? "Poppin's Restaurant."
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Sir, she's about to break the case!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Louis, give me a sweet second.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I can't remember for the life of me where this is from.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- Sir!- Dalton...
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Louis, don't you shout at me!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44She's bleeding and she's about to help us!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Yes, I know, and I'm trying to remember where this receipt is from!
0:22:47 > 0:22:51I'd write it on the back, but then it voids the receipt completely.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- Sir, we have not got time for this. - Sleet, the killer...
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Wait there. Lily, Lily, Lily...
0:22:55 > 0:22:59I'm going to find some other paper to write on, OK?
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Give us...give me a second.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Is there anything I can do?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05The killer, let me tell you who the killer is. Come close.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06I knew I was onto something...
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Wait there, wait, wait, wait, wait. I want in on this.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12It's OK, Lily. Hey, wait there.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15This is an original Moby Dick. How often do you...?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- No-one cares about Moby Dick right now!- Listen to me!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20What do you mean no-one cares?! Wait there, wait there, Lily.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22This is an original piece of work!
0:23:22 > 0:23:23It's a Moby Dick.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27How often have you seen that? An original piece of literature...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- Sir...- It's an important part of our history.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I'd rather wait for the film to come out with Chris Hemsworth.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34There's... Oh, is there a film with Chris Hemsworth?
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Is there a film with Chris Hemsworth?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- There is, Moby Dick... - That's very interesting.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- It's beside the point, we're about to break this case.- Yes, we are.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- We just need the name of the killer. - Yes, we...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- Sleet...- Lily, I'm with you, I'm with you. Louis...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- Grr, I'm the killer!- Killer!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Do you remember when, "I am the killer!"
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- Sleet, Sleet, the killer! - OK. Lily, yes Lily, tell me!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53It...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55LILY GROANS
0:24:02 > 0:24:05You are unbelievable. You just wasted a good amount of time there
0:24:05 > 0:24:08where we could have got the killer.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- Shall we go?- Yeah.- Good stuff.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Oh, God, poor Lily.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Come on. She's starting to smell.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I think she's probably voided her bowel.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21All roads led to the beauty pageant. Present, our suspects -
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Putin, Kardashian and Brand.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26For Smith, it was his most dangerous role yet.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Time to go undercover and catch a killer.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Welcome to this final round of this cavalcade of magnificence,
0:24:35 > 0:24:37beauty and pulchritude.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Feast your lamps on these two dollymops. Kim Kardashian...
0:24:42 > 0:24:44..and Fiona Brush.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46SOMEONE WHISTLES
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Good, isn't it? First up, Fiona Brush.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Over to the judges.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59Ms Brush, you find a million pesos in an old suitcase.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- What would you spend it on? - Oh, good question.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Thank you.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Probably Mr Vladimir Putin.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Come, you'd probably get him for £5.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Flattery will get you everywhere.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Well, you won't win the competition through being flattering.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Well, you might.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20No, you won't, it'll be done through judges marking you accordingly.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Oh, there's a question from Kim Jong Un.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35"What is the sexiest animal?"
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Excluding you three fine judges?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Oh, isn't she something?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I would have to say a white unicorn.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Sorry, that one was wrong.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I have one more question.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56Imagine, if you will, that you'd been working as a police officer,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58trying to track down a serial killer.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03That case had led you here, to this beauty competition.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Imagine further, if you will, that there was a trained sniper
0:26:06 > 0:26:13in this very room, ready to rain down bullets upon the said killer.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Who would the killer be?!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Hypothetically speaking.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Vladimir Putin.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24SCREAMING
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Calm down! Calm down, everybody.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Relax, Kim, relax, everybody.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Relax, now.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Calm down. You know who I am?
0:26:35 > 0:26:36- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Who is he?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Yeah, Sleet, I'm with Successville.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- I've never heard of you.- What?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I'm from Successville. Murder Squad.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47I'm also a judge on the panel, so...
0:26:47 > 0:26:48This is my partner.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I'm officer Louis Smith.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Explain why the killer was Putin.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58Well, for me, Putin had a military boot which was found
0:26:58 > 0:27:00at two of the other deaths during the week.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Also, he hated women with a passion, and suspiciously enough,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08two other women were found dead in his steam room
0:27:08 > 0:27:10with a spray tan. Was that all right?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Yeah, that's brilliant. Everybody, your hero!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:27:15 > 0:27:18And may I say, one gorgeous-looking lady...
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Thank you.- ..who I think would have won the competition.- Stop it!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Oh, God, not again!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- Ah, here he is.- Wow!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Who gave the order for Putin to be shot?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Mr Louis Smith.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32What are you wearing?!
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Disguise, Sir.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Louis Smith, congratulations,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38you've made a horse's cock of this investigation.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42The killer was Russell Brand. Of course it was Russell Brand.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Yes? Why?
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Because he was organising this beauty contest, yes,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50so that he could charge contestants an entrance fee...
0:27:50 > 0:27:51It'll cost you five grand, mate.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55..and then bump them off one by one so that he could get richer.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58And you might also have noticed in his shop...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00was spray tan.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04You were supposed to be looking for somebody with size nine feet.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08It couldn't have been Vladimir Putin, because he was...
0:28:08 > 0:28:1044 European size.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13..which is a size ten, you dicks!
0:28:15 > 0:28:16You're fired!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Where is Russell Brand?!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20He must have escaped in the fracas.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23He's the killer, for Christ's sake!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Oh, God, you make me sick!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Why am I so weepy all the time?
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Oh, well, kid, you win some, you lose some.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35That's just life, I guess.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36But you know what?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I spy with my little eye two Kims.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Fancy a night out?
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- Definitely. Which one do you want? - I'll bagsie that one.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Come on, let's go. Come on, sweet cheeks.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Hey, you, I hope you like blondes,
0:28:54 > 0:28:56you cheeky little creep.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59By the way, my dress stays on tonight.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Oh, you bet it does!