0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Hello, I'm Vicky Pattison from Geordie Shore
0:00:09 > 0:00:11and Queen Of The Jungle, but today I'm starring
0:00:11 > 0:00:13in me very own cult drama.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15I've got no idea what's going to happen to us,
0:00:15 > 0:00:17so wish me luck. I'm off to Successville.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Welcome to Successville,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29a town full of celebrities.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law
0:00:33 > 0:00:35and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39I am DI Sleet, I brush my teeth with crime.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I wipe my ass with bad guys,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45and I de-scale my kettle with kettle descaler.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I guess there's no other way.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- Why aren't you doing any work? - Well, I...
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Why aren't you doing any work, you fat slob?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Well, actually, it's a special day today, Sir.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14It comes around once a year for everyone.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15It's your birthday!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I'm so sorry.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- I had no idea. - It's the same day every year.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I could not give a solitary shit.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25So you have no gift for me at present?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- Actually, as a matter of fact, I do. - Oh, really?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- Rookie!- Oh, great(!) HE CLUCKS
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Happy birthday, Sleet!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- Hiya!- This is Vicky Pattison, yes,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35fresh off the shelf.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Try not to break her or I will fucking break you.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39I'll break her!
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I don't...sorry.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Thanks. Hiya.- Take a seat.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47He is a bit of a helmet, isn't he?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50He's a complete helmet, he busts my balls all the time. That was a weird handshake.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- I know, I did a finger thing. - Don't worry, take a seat, Pattison.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55What's with the cake?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Well, it's my birthday today.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58- Happy birthday!- Thank you.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Thank you very much.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Hey, do you want one of these cool birthday hats?- Yes, please.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Shall we both put one on?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Yes, I think it will be whimsical.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I like the word whimsical, I don't use it enough.
0:02:09 > 0:02:14- You want a game of pass the parcel? - What's that? Oh, all right, pass the parcel. Let's do it, then.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I've got this present, so are you ready?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Yeah, man, of course.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Do you know the rules?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Pass it on, music stops, undo the wrapping?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22You are the cleverest person I've ever met.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Thank you.- You really are. - I've got a degree.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Have you? What in? Being cool?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Drama, Media & Cultural Studies.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Oh, right, that isn't as cool as I thought.- No, it's a bit wank.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Yeah. Hey, pass the parcel.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Yeah, let's do it.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Let's get this party really started.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:02:39 > 0:02:40- Yeah, I like it.- Go!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- Oh! What the hell?- You go for it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Seems that we have...
0:02:52 > 0:02:53pants!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Wow, they are cool pants. - And also...
0:02:55 > 0:02:58a vest. Do you want to wear the pants and I'll wear the vest?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- Y...yeah.- OK. There you go.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03That'll be so frigging cool.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05We should just get so drunk later and still have this on.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Yeah! I'm up for that.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08HE LAUGHS
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Oh, my pants are stuck on my heel.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12My vest is stuck on my carpets.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Look at this! - I mean...- Who's this guy?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16You look like a superhero, Sleet.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Yeah, well, I am.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Oh, wow. Pattison, this is so epic!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22It's strong.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- This right here, right now... - Yeah.- ..I will label it
0:03:25 > 0:03:27as the best birthday of all time of my life.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Right, DI Sleet, the game is up.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You're joking. Chief, come on, is this some kind of joke for my birthday?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37What do you mean by this?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Nick Knowles has been found dead in your fucking car!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Yes, it was driven up to the woods and dumped.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45He was killed last night.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Goddammit, I ain't killed no-one. You got to believe me, Pattison.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- I do.- Hand over your gun and badge, pig!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54It's weird getting it out because I've got pants over my...
0:03:54 > 0:03:55What the fuck are you wearing?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57It's his birthday, Chief...
0:03:57 > 0:03:58God, you as well.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00You know I'd die for this badge.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Damn you, Chief.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I'm the best copper in this damn force.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Cuff him, Sid!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Get off me, Lowcroft! Come on, I thought we were friends!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Let me tell you something, Lowcroft,
0:04:09 > 0:04:13I wish I'd had sex with your wife at the Christmas party like everybody else did.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16SHE SPLUTTERS Lowcroft, what are you doing? You're fingering my ass
0:04:16 > 0:04:18like you're looking under your bed for your wedding shoes.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23- You're not sticking your fingers up his arse, are you, Lowcroft? - He's trying to.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Get off me, Lowcroft, have you not done enough?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- Sleet.- Pattison, you need to free me and clear my name.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- I will, Sleet.- I didn't do it, I swear!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- I believe you, Sleet. - PATTISON, CLEAR MY NAME!
0:04:31 > 0:04:35You're on your own now, kid. Time to put your best bollock forward.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38- Good luck!- Thanks.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43DOOR BUZZES, HE WHISTLES
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Pattison, Pattison, Pattison!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Take a seat.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Is everything OK? - No, Pattison, not everything's OK.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I've been fitted up for murder and now I'm in the big house.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56And let me tell you, this ain't as cool as people say.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58It ain't that nice here.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00The food's cruddy, it stinks.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04The other thing that really gets my goat is this uniform they've given me.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- It's too small. - But at least orange is your colour.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Oh, do you think I look nice?- Yeah.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11It's a bit weird, Lee said that, too.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14He said if I did my hair up all night, he'd take me for dinner.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17He said to me if I wanted he could lend me some of his bubble bath.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20So he seems like a real straight guy, a real straight shooter.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I think straight is the last thing he is.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24What...?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28We've got to get you off, that is why I came here today. (I brought the file you wanted.)
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Good, you are the best, Pattison.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33It says about the weapon and it just says it was a standard police-issue
0:05:33 > 0:05:35revolver.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Yeah, a Glock 17.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I've got one of those, of course.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39I know, that doesn't look good.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Yeah, but everybody's got one and they're all over the streets like dog shits.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Anything else? - This is a forensic report.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47It says that the victim was killed last night,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50that the killer drove the car because the vehicle was caught on CCTV
0:05:50 > 0:05:51approaching the woods.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I couldn't have driven, I was drunk out of my mind.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57The last thing I remember is I drank a quart of mulled wine
0:05:57 > 0:05:59and then I did a couple of shots of mead.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Where the fuck where you drinking, a monastery?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03THEY LAUGH
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Yeah, it was a pretty cool place.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Those monks go OFF. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17You're getting baited up, Sleet.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Yeah, exactly, that's what I think. - (Without a doubt).
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Someone wanted my sweet ass in jail.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24The only way of clearing my name is if we bust me out of here
0:06:24 > 0:06:26and me and you go renegade.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- We hunt them down.- Uh-huh.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I need to get that big piece of shit guard over here
0:06:31 > 0:06:33so I can use this.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34(What the fuck's that?)
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Chloroform, I snuck it in.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Here's what we do.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42I'm going to start staging a small argument between us.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- Then you overreact, start crying, sobbing, saying how much you miss me.- Yeah.- Right?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Yeah, well, maybe if your mother showed me a little bit of respect
0:06:49 > 0:06:52when she came round instead of complaining about my food,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55because someone else won't cook at home.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Right, OK. So there you go,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58bringing up me mother, eh?
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Well, at least she comes round. I don't care what she says when she gets there,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04at least she shows her face - what about your family?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07They're intimidated by you because you're so nasty all the time!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I AM NOT NASTY, I'M SASSY, ALL RIGHT?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11There's a difference!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Yeah, well, you tell me the difference and I'll write it on my ass
0:07:14 > 0:07:15and send it to the lawyers!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I will take you for every penny you've got, Sleet!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I haven't got any MONEY!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Well, the joke's on you cos I've got loads.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- Well, REALLY?- Really!
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Let me have some!
0:07:24 > 0:07:25No!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Oh, my God, why have you done this?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Everyone in our household misses you.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31There's a lot of missing going on.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Hey, thanks, buddy,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35you're a great big stinky lump.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Take this, you big clown.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38That's it, hit the ground.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Hit the deck, big fella.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40ALARM SOUNDS
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Ha-ha.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Right, Pattison, let's hit the streets and find out who fitted me up.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Let's go! Come on.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Let's do this.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53'We were now on the run.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55'We'd kidnapped our first suspect,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57'sleazy politician, Len Goodman.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59'He loathed me.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03'Time for me and Pattison to become masters of disguise.'
0:08:03 > 0:08:04What accents can you do?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Can you do Cockney?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- COCKNEY ACCENT:- All right, mate?
0:08:07 > 0:08:08That's brilliant.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I'm a fucking geezer, ain't I?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- I'm going to be Scottish. - OK. Let's hear your Scottish.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16GLASGOW ACCENT: Eh, you're going to get yourself one of these.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Right, I think...yeah, brilliant.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21For a minute there, I fucking thought you were Scottish.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Put this on. I'm going to wear this balaclava so he doesn't know it's me.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Do you want me to put this straight on me head, like? - Yeah, put it on your head like that.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30How about now? Do I look really like a man?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Oh, my God, you look so tough and cool.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Ha-ha, yes!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Right. Pattison...
0:08:35 > 0:08:38are you ready to slip into the world of torture?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Let's do it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Let's go torture Len Goodman.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Och, aye, the noo!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Get oot of here, you piece of crap!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Get here, you fucking mug.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You're going tae get it.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Right, take off this hood.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Get off me!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Eh, you're going tae get it
0:09:00 > 0:09:03cos we are from Glesgae and you're going to get it.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06What are you on about? What you after - money?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Word to the wise, Sunny Jim,
0:09:08 > 0:09:09and you, half pint.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12You don't want to make an enemy out of me.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13And anyway, what are you talking about?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16See noo, we're from Glesgae,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18and we're going to dig your head in
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and we're going bury you in a basket.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Glasgow, where, Nigeria?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Glasgow in Scotland.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Uzbekistan?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I'm going to take your...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Why's he laughing?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Do me a favour, what's he on about?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36- Right, this is...- Shut up!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38You mug.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Where are you from?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- IN DREADFUL ACCENT:- I'm a Cockney geezer, ain't I?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Don't make me laugh!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46The pair of you, bleeding muppets!
0:09:46 > 0:09:50YELLS IN APPALLING GLASGOW ACCENT
0:09:50 > 0:09:53UNINTELLIGIBLE RANTING
0:09:53 > 0:09:55'Ere, have you seen his eyebrows?
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Look at that!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Whit's that supposed to mean?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Look at the size of them. You're some kind of freak, you are!
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Believe me, under there, a hirsute gorilla!- What?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07He just saw...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- That's it, that's it! I'm getting out...- Oh, it is you, Sleet!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- You wouldn't know it was me until I...- Yes, I did!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You're on my case again, are you? You lanky glass of milk!
0:10:16 > 0:10:18How did you know it was me before?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I'll tell you what, you sound more Scottish now than
0:10:20 > 0:10:23when you was doing all that "Glasgae waffle-waffle!"
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Shush-ee, Goodman, shush-ee!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Check his pockets, Pattison. Have a look.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I don't think you're going to like what we find.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Can't you be more inventive than that, Sleet?- Very interesting.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- What's this we have?- Well, it's a passport. It's pretty obvious, isn't it?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Yeah. Been anywhere nice?- Yes, I've just come back from Tenerife.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- What are these?- Well, they're your car keys, aren't they? - Why have you got them?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I've had them donkey's years, mate, in case you start poking
0:10:46 > 0:10:50that big porky, piggy nose of yours into my business.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55Then I run your little jam jar down the garage and I fill her up
0:10:55 > 0:10:58with diesel, even though she runs on unleaded!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00HE CACKLES
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Do you know how much this has cost me? That's cost me a fortune, you horrible piece of shit!
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- Why would you do such a thing? - Because I like toying with you!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- What do you like doing?- Oh, my... - What? What are you doing that for?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Why are you pulling that face? - Jesus, Sleet!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Have you been nibbling on turds? - What?!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20That's disgusting! H for halitosis! Dear me.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Bring back hanging!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Bring back hanging for halitosis!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Come on, Sleet...- Oh, shut up! HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- Oh, you're exaggerating.- No, really.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34That's like mustard gas coming out of your mouth.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- I'll tell you something. - What?- You want to fry?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- You want to fry, Goodman? - What are you going to do?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- I wondered what you were going to do then.- Hey! Hey!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- Don't make it like that!- Yeah, OK. - Don't make this weird.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I don't know, you might have changed, Sleety boy.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Right, that's it, that's it, that's it! Let's electrocute him up.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53You are going to have a million volts of electricity
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- put through your body.- Oh, right. Off the grid or solar?- Huh? What?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58I don't know.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02It's electricity, it's... We're going to make a smoothie out of you, Goodman!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Light him up.- Are you ready for this?- Yeah, light him up.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Hey, how do you feel now? - Oh, look! Zilch!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- I'm just going to...- Ouch again! Ha!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12What have you pressed? Have you pressed anything that's wrong?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Is this actually on, or... - I just pressed the buttons, man. - Oh, for Christ's sake!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Argh!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- It doesn't work.- Oh, that was like a ballet dancer's kick, there, Sleet!
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- Yeah, well, you wouldn't have wanted...- You're a lot more graceful
0:12:24 > 0:12:26than I had you down for. For a big man, you move very well.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29You wouldn't have wanted it for a wart on your nose, would you?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- I wouldn't what?- You wouldn't want it for a wart on your nose.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Do you understand anything he says? - Right, that's it, you're going
0:12:34 > 0:12:37to have to shoot him. You're going to have to shoot him.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40What's that? Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you pleased to see me?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- That doesn't even work, it's in my ankle!- The old ones are the best.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- I can see right through you, Sleet. - You couldn't see the gun there before, could you?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- Right, you're going to have to threaten him with this. - What's going on?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- We're going to blow your kneecaps off.- Are you really? You haven't got the balls.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I've got the biggest balls you have ever fucking seen!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- She's got big, delicious, hairy, creamy balls!- "She"?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- What are you talking about?- It was a slip of the tongue, he meant "he"! - No, tell him.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- You're a woman, she's a girl, a woman!- That's right,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- I'm a girl!- What about the beard? - I drew it on.- Fantastic.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11It's very convincing, well done.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Have you ever thought of a career in make-up?- Well, I have actually...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Enough, get to the point!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- Put a bullet in his knee. Pull the plug on him, shoot him! - Are you ready?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Shoot him, shoot him good. Do it, just do it! Pull the gun.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- What are you doing? - I don't know, I think it's broke.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Dear me!- What, you've broken it?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- This is why I said to get a receipt!- You two!
0:13:29 > 0:13:33A battery with no charge, a gun with no bullets? I mean, really.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35What's next? A knife with no blade?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38There's no bullets in it! We look like a fucking pair of idiots.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39What the hell do you mean there's no bullets?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Sorry, will you wake me up when this is all over?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Well, it is over, because we haven't got any other ways of torturing you.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Right, OK. The game's up.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Well, do you want a lift anywhere? - I don't need a lift anywhere, Sleet.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I'll walk.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53I always do.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Jilted lovers are always framing people for murder.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01My ex Lorraine Kelly was out of town selling Hoovers,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04so we had a snoopsy poopsy around her gaff.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Close the door, Pattison.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08What do you think?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Snazzy, isn't it?
0:14:10 > 0:14:11There's someone coming, listen.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14When she comes in, just say you're a copper and you've heard
0:14:14 > 0:14:17that there was a burglary here and you're just investigating it.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Don't say I'm here, Pattison! - Sleet...!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Jesus.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- SHE SQUEALS - Yea, God.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Oh, my God! Don't move, you wee bitch!- No, no!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I've had a drink, but I can handle myself!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Put the bottle of vodka down, Lorraine! No need to be alarmed.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- I am a police officer. - Are you, like, undercover?- Yes.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Oh!- I'm here to protect you, really.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- You were just trying to protect me! - Yeah.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- And here's me trying to stove your face in! - THEY LAUGH
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Oh, Lorraine! You're funny like that!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I owe you an apology.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- It's fine, it's OK. How are you?- I'm good.- Yeah?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- You know, I loved one once. - Did you?- I did.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- But he let me down! - SHE SOBS
0:15:02 > 0:15:05SLEET: Agh! Fuck you!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Ah, Jesus!- What was that, hen?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Is it your guy, your policeman?- Aye.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13He left me heartbroken.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Are you still hoping to, like, see him again, or...?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19He'll come back. They all come back in the end.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I wouldn't touch you with a bargepole.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- Did you hear something?- No. No.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Um, you don't know anyone who'd want to see DI Sleet locked up, do you?
0:15:27 > 0:15:33- No! My Sleety?- Yeah.- No! Well...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Do you think he's capable of murder?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- I don't think so.- I do. - You do?- I do!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I... I do!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- But you don't know him like I do.- I mean, I'll hold my hands up.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Aye. He's an animal.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52A complete animal. Can you imagine what he's like as a lover?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54You fucking loved it. PATTISON COUGHS
0:15:54 > 0:15:56What was that?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58You loved it up you... PATTISON COUGHS
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- Are you all right, hen?- Yeah, I'm OK. I just...- OK.- You're being so nice and honest with me, um...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- You're, like, my new best friend! - LORRAINE LAUGHS
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- We are!- I like you!- I like you, too!
0:16:08 > 0:16:09- TEARFULLY:- Oh, God, Sleety!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- He really let me down.- Argh, Jesus!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- Well, do you want to go out?- Oh, hen.- Oh, come here, you. - SLEET GROANS
0:16:15 > 0:16:17LORRAINE SOBS
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- It's all right. Men are bastards. - Right, aye...
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Do you know what you need? - Yeah?- A wee settler.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Go on, then, Lorraine, why not, eh? - Aye!
0:16:27 > 0:16:28I've got some Charlie.
0:16:28 > 0:16:34I'll just go get it, we can have a wee bump, aye, that'll sort us out!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Jesus. What the hell is going on up there?- Well, I don't know.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I think I'm bonding with her.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- Yeah, you're "bonding"!- Well, it's all part...
0:16:43 > 0:16:46We're here to ask questions about me, not for you to have a sleepover and get drunk.
0:16:46 > 0:16:52It is horrible down here. It is dusty, there's actual skin.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- And there was a sandwich here. - What do you mean, "was"?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- I ate it. I ate the sandwich. - Oh, Sleet, my God.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00And I don't even know what was in it.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- But as I ate it, I thought, "It's got the texture of chicken..."- Yeah?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05"..but it tastes like fish."
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Get back under that fucking bed, Sleet, before I kick your head in.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Yes. OK. Just make it quick.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- All right! - LORRAINE CHUCKLES
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Oh, Lorraine, you are a sort!
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- Come on, then, here we go! - Ah! For fuck's sake!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26And you've both got your fucking shoes on on the bed?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Hang on.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- You all right, Lorraine? - I can smell him.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33No, that's just the shovel.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Whoa, whoa, chill out, mate!
0:17:37 > 0:17:42Why don't you just go back to doing your chizzle, Lozza?
0:17:42 > 0:17:43You're sleeping with him.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- Sleeping with him?- Oh, my God.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Mate, mate, no, no, no. You've got the wrong end of the stick.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I would never sleep with your Sleety, all right?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- You will never have what we had! Never!- That's it, that's it.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59I've had enough. I can't listen to any more of this.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Now listen good.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Don't look at him, Alison, don't look at him,
0:18:03 > 0:18:08he's an attention seeker. Don't look at him! Pattison, don't laugh at him.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11He's self-conscious enough. Don't you laugh at him.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- He doesn't look self-conscious to me, mate!- What?
0:18:14 > 0:18:18I... Stop it, Lorraine! Lorraine! Shut up.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Pointing your Glock 17 at an innocent woman! Nice.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Now let me tell you something.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I'm going to find out whoever fitted me up
0:18:26 > 0:18:29and I'm going to rain down justice upon them.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Now listen, you disgusting, smelly old lush.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Kind of harsh, that, Sleety, like.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Pattison, this is awkward enough as it is.- You're telling me!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40You're standing with a massive boner
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- and I'm pretty sure she's trying to get us to do a line off her.- What? Did you do any drugs?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Course I didn't do any drugs!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Just saying, this is weird for me too, all right?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49I'm trying to get rid of it.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Maybe if someone was to blow on it, it would go away.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- I'll do it, shall I...?- No, you won't.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- You come anywhere near that thing and I'll blow your brains out.- OK. - It's not for either of you.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00This is me, this is all for me.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- So selfish!- Yeah.- Men, so selfish. - Men are selfish, though, Lorraine.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Oh, really, Pattison? Maybe we should have a chat about that when we get out of here?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Aye, maybe you should.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Because you seem to have forgot you're my friend, not her friend!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I'm not just one person's friend! Do you know what I mean?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Am I being too clingy?- Yes, you certainly are. I'm my own person!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19And you know what it is? I quite like Lorraine!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Right, we're going, because I've had enough of this.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22We can talk about this in the car.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- Right, we will talk about it in the car.- Right, come on.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Only if that goes down.- Yes, it will go down once it gets
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- some cold air to it. - It was nice to meet you, Lorraine.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Oh!- What are you doing? What are you...? She's a suspect.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35She might have fitted me up for murder.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Innocent until proven guilty. What happened to that, Sleety?
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- Whose side are you even on?- Listen, stop being so quick to judge, man.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- See you later, Lorraine. You take care of yourself.- I will, aye.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- I told you to get this door fixed. - I still love you.- Shut up.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Still love you. Toodle-pip.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Word on the street was my old police-school rival,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Lewis Hamilton, had stepped into my orthopaedic police shoes.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03The street was never wrong. This stank of smelly dung.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Time to break into the place I used to call home.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Let's get this guy.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- Dammit, dammit to hell. - What is it, Sleet?- Lewis Hamilton.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- The sneaky, conniving piece of crud. - What happened between yous two?
0:20:28 > 0:20:33When I was at cop college, there was two star pupils.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36One was me. One was Lewis Hamilton.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- He didn't like it that I was better than him.- Yeah.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41So when we were first in court together,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44he filled my helmet full of custard,
0:20:44 > 0:20:48so when I put it on top of my head, it went all over my hair
0:20:48 > 0:20:50and on my face.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53And then everybody else in the class just threw hundreds
0:20:53 > 0:20:56and thousands on me and everyone said I was a big, stupid trifle.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01He just never gets tired of hurting people's feelings.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03It wouldn't surprise me if this was all down to him, like.
0:21:03 > 0:21:09- Exactly, Pattison. And I need you to get him to admit to this.- How?
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Pretend you're an MI5 agent, of course.- OK, and?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15You need to go in there,
0:21:15 > 0:21:19say that you're impressed with whoever killed Nick Knowles.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21You like their work, you think they're brilliant and cool.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- And I could use a guy like that on my team.- Exactly, Pattison.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- This is it.- Your name will be Edith Plumson.- Plumson. Got it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Do it, Pattison.- Let's go make a trifle out of Lewis Hamilton.- Yeah.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35You could, though.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36KNOCK AT DOOR
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- Hi. Lewis Hamilton, yeah? - Can I help you?
0:21:42 > 0:21:47I'm Edith, Edith Plumson. It's very nice to meet you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48MI5.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53- MI5?- Yeah.- Really?- Yeah, yeah, yeah, really. I'm not going to lie.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- I'm going to tell you this straight. I'm a big fan of yours.- Really?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Not just with your interior design and what you've done in this
0:22:00 > 0:22:05office, but with what you've done with the murder of Nick Knowles.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Excuse me?
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I mean, I admire how you've managed to sort of pin it on Sleet.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Let me tell you something, Edith.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I don't think you're MI5 at all.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21- Well, that's just ridiculous, because I am.- Who sent you?- It was my boss.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Because I think your boss is old Uncle Sleet,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27and judging from you, he's quite the groomer.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33He's nowt like your barber, then, is he, son?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Shall we get back to Nick Knowles and how you killed him?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Shall we talk about that again?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40There's only one thing I groom, Hamilton, and that's young girls
0:22:40 > 0:22:43and young boys to make good police officers.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45The game is up, kid.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Well, well, if it isn't Captain Chilly-Winky.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Still laughing about that? Pulling a man's pants down
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- in his first victory parade? - Shrinkage is always funny, Sleet.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59When you drew a big penis on my forehead and I went on all those
0:22:59 > 0:23:02dates, all that speed dating with a big cock drawn on my forehead...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04They were just jokes, Gigantor.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Or don't they have jokes in Giant Land?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09They have jokes. You know the biggest joke of all is you.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- A cop who can't drive.- You know damn well why I can't drive, Sleet.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Well, I ain't here for a walk down memory lane, you son of a gun.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20You tell me one reason why me and Vicky don't shoot you right now.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Well, number one, maybe you're the killer, Sleet. You hear me?
0:23:24 > 0:23:30- A dirty, lowlife killer.- No, I'm not. I'm a good man.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Lowcroft.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34What are you doing here? Nice little pizza club?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37What is on those pizzas? Deceit and pineapple?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40One is chicken supreme and the...
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- Shut up, Lowcroft. - You always were a pussy.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Give me that gun. What about now? Who's the pussy now?
0:23:47 > 0:23:52- I've got two guns, boy. What are you looking at?- Police issue.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Glock 17s? - Yes, of course they are.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59The standard issues weren't built with searchlights.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- That only tells me one thing, Sleet.- What?
0:24:02 > 0:24:07- You've cable-tied pound-shop torches to the barrels.- Shut up!
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- You're pathetic, Sleet. - No, I'm not! I'm a good cop!
0:24:11 > 0:24:12I'm a good boy, Mummy!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- This is where it all ends, huh?- You haven't thought this through, Sleet.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Yes, I have. I've thought it all through.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Have you considered that it was this rookie over here?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Edith or whatever her real name is. - Vicky, her name is Vicky.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Everything was peachy keen until she showed up.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Suddenly she's here, your world crumbles. Coincidence?
0:24:31 > 0:24:32I don't know what to think.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35It's like left is right and right is left, up is down and down is up.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I don't know my arse from my elbow right now.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39What are you doing eating pizza? Come on.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41It's going to go cold, Sleet.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- They are going to go cold.- I don't care about the pizza!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- Get here.- What the hell?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Calm down, you don't have to do this.- Yeah, I do.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55- Sleet, this is a stupid idea. - This ends on the roof.- Why the roof?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Because it's cooler that way.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- Everything comes to an end, Ramsay. - Don't be stupid, Sleet.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- Put the girl down.- No way. No way, Jose.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- I'm going to blow her kaboosh off. - Shut up, Sleet.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- I've got three people here making complaints against you.- Shut up!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Shut up!- All right, all right, just calm down.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I ain't calming down. I've got a list of demands.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I want a helicopter, a purple, sparkly one
0:25:25 > 0:25:29and I want you to kiss Sid Lowcroft.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- Come on, Sleet, that's childish. - Kiss his slimy arse-kissing mouth.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- Sleet, that's babyish.- Yeah?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37How babyish is it if I put a bullet in her head?
0:25:37 > 0:25:42- Kiss Lowcroft.- All right. - Kiss Lowcroft. Kiss him now. Do it.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Be big about this, OK?
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- Right, Sleet, come on.- No, that's not all. Touch his face.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Do it again, sensually. Do it as sensual.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- You are pissing me off now. - I really have got the gun.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- Touch his face and his ears when you do it.- Oh!
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- Now hump his leg like you're a little Jack Russell. Do it!- Fuck me.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- This is fucking horrible.- Do it now, do it good.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Faster. And look at me and Vicky and smile.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Right, that's it, Sleet.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21No more funny games. You put the gun down or we open fire in ten seconds.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- Right, Vicky, we haven't got much luck much longer.- Ten...
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I need you to take this gun and I need you to take out who you think
0:26:27 > 0:26:29framed me for the murder of Nick Knowles
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- and when you shoot him...- Seven... - ..say something cool.- OK.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35One, two, three, do it, Vicky!
0:26:36 > 0:26:43- Sorry, Lorraine, but I think it's you. You drunken slag.- Jesus Christ.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- Right, can I go now? - Yeah, get lost, Goodman.- Shit!
0:26:46 > 0:26:52- What the hell was that?- Did I kill her?- Of course you killed her.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- God, I hope she did it, mind. - Why did you shoot Lorraine?
0:26:56 > 0:27:00I just think hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03And Sleet scorned her, you know what I mean?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05And she thought if she could frame him for this murder
0:27:05 > 0:27:09and the police didn't want him any more, she'd get him back.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11And not just that, she was able to identify
0:27:11 > 0:27:14a Glock 17 as a standard-issue police weapon.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17What type of woman knows that? I certainly didn't.
0:27:17 > 0:27:23- Well done, Pattison.- Bravo. Yes, absolutely brilliant police work.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- It was, of course, Lorraine Kelly. - What? She did it?
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Hell hath no fury. She was a woman scorned.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33She did identify the Glock 17.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Pointing your Glock 17 at an innocent woman.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42And you obviously saw the keys to Sleety's car in her bedroom, yes?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44It couldn't have been Goodman
0:27:44 > 0:27:46because his boarding pass showed he wasn't even in the country.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Yes, I've just come back from Tenerife.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50And it couldn't have been Hamilton
0:27:50 > 0:27:52because he couldn't even fucking drive.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56- You know damn well why I can't drive, Sleet.- Bravo.
0:27:56 > 0:28:02- And I've got a feeling that my face is completely covered in blood.- Yep.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07- That's why we do this. Well done. - Oh, chief. Silly old chief.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11- Hey, how do you feel?- I feel like I've just cleared your name, Sleety.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- Yeah, you did. You know something, Vicky?- Yes, Sleety?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- It's still my birthday today.- You're not wrong, like.- Fancy going out?
0:28:17 > 0:28:22- Let's go and get smashed. - No, let's go get mortal.- Here he is.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26- Come on, son. Listen, have you ever slut-dropped?- No, I haven't.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27I think you'd be good at it, me.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Well, you'll have to teach me, Pattison.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32- Don't worry about it. - That's so Pattison.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37# She's got a smile that it seems to me
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# Reminds me of childhood memories
0:28:40 > 0:28:46# Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky
0:28:48 > 0:28:52# Now and then when I see her face
0:28:52 > 0:28:54# It takes me away to that special place
0:28:54 > 0:28:57# And if I stare too long I'd probably break down and cry. #