0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Hello, I'm Mark Wright from TV and radio and, today,
0:00:10 > 0:00:12I'm starring in my very own cop drama.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17I've got no idea what's about to happen to me, so wish me luck.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18I'm off to Successville.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I'm DI Sleet.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Homicide makes me hard.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Justice makes me wet.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44And baby elephants make me cry.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48I'm just a whole heap of mixed-up cop - so sue me.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- Sleet.- Hey, boss.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Can I, erm...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08talk to you?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Whatever you want. My door's always open for a friend.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11- Come in.- Thank you.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14You OK?
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- Ricardo's left me. - Sorry to hear that, boss.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Well, erm, I guess...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Do you find me...
0:01:22 > 0:01:24abrasive?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Overbearing? Difficult to be around?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Well, chief, if I'm honest with you...
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Yeah, please.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31All of us do. All the guys here.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32I mean, you're horrible.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- You're a mean, nasty man. - Yeah? Well, what about you, Sleet?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- What you are in all of this... - It's not about me, Chief.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Well, it is about you, you...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41you bloated carp!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- What?- Yeah, you look like you sleep in a cave.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Look at this place! It stinks.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And you stink!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Thanks for nothing, Sleet! - But you...
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- He's in there.- Damn it.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Damn it to hell.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Who the hell are you?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I'm Mark, DI Sleet.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00- Mark what?- Mark Wright.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Take a seat.- Thank you very much.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08You a brave boy, Wright?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- A very brave boy.- Oh, really?
0:02:10 > 0:02:11You like yourself, huh?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- You can fight?- Yeah, I've got a pair of hands on me.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I'm not too bad.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19How are you with the ladies?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22That's one thing I can guarantee -
0:02:22 > 0:02:24there's no-one better.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Oh, really?- No-one.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29This is purely two guys having a chat.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Just two Gs having a hoedown,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35chatting about honeys.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Erm, what's your bunking style?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- What do you go with?- Start slow...
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- build it up.- This is what I do.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You can't tell anyone about this.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I go and look them in the eye.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51One, two, three, thrust.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52One, two, three, out.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54One, two, three, thrust.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55One, two, three, out.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58One, two, three, thrust.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00One, two, three, out.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- There's two things me and you have got in common.- Right, yep?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04We've both got good hair.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Yep, bingo.- And we're both going to teach each other something.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09You're going to teach me to become
0:03:09 > 0:03:11the best police officer in the world.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- Right.- And I'm going to teach you how to shag.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Yeah, you see, Wright, one of the things I do after I do some bonking,
0:03:20 > 0:03:21after I lay down some sex,
0:03:21 > 0:03:25is I ask girls to fill out a feedback form.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29One lady told me when I ejaculate, my leg shakes like a dog.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- I've been there.- Oh, yeah?- Yeah.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Well, this is making me feel better about myself, if I'm honest.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Especially when you're on your knees.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37- Do you go on your knees?- Mm.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- When?- Doggy style.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- What's that?- It's when...
0:03:44 > 0:03:46It's when the...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51It's when the lady faces the other way,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- she's on her knees.- Right.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55You're on your knees behind her and...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58And do you bark? Do you bark during doggie style?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- No, I've never done that. You could do.- OK.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Anyway, well, you know something, Mark,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I feel like we've really hit it off.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09What are you two losers talking about?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Well, actually, you know, Mark here was just telling me
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- about different sexual techniques. - Really, really?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Well, I'm sorry to close down the wank parlour.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Sleet, perhaps you could explain to this buffed-up piss spoon
0:04:20 > 0:04:23about the terrible drug that's ravaging Successville.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Miranda - you ever heard of it?
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Er, no.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I want you to go out and clean this mess up, yes?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I've got my eye on you...
0:04:31 > 0:04:32big boy.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Don't worry about him. Listen, kid,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38you ready to go and chase down this drug Miranda
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and kick in some drug dealers and beat their heads in?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- I'm ready.- Then Mark Wright, sexual warrior,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46let's go solve a crime.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50'Like taking a big dump, snitches were disgusting, but necessary.'
0:04:50 > 0:04:52'We headed to see Daniel Radcliffe,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56a sneaky street maggot who had information about Miranda.'
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Radcliffe!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Radcliffe, you little weasel!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06What, you got shit in your ears?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08In retrospect, I probably could have parked a little closer.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Yeah, we could get a taxi to him, he's that far.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13All right, mate, don't make me feel even worse about it, Mark.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Bit awkward, you know, that long walk
0:05:15 > 0:05:17after I got you to turn round all the way back.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Yeah, I thought that, too.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20How you doing, you little crap-weasel?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Hi, Sleet! Who's the baggage?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Baggage, tell him.- I'm Mark.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Ah, well, I don't much like new people.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29We ain't here for a social, are we?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Tell him what we want to know about.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Miranda - what you got for us?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Well, a big shipment arrived about three weeks ago,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38hit the streets harder than a dentist with a hammer,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40knocked everything else into a cocked hat,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43like someone who's really clumsy and has got a hat on their cock.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Hahah, little joke!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47So, listen to me - who's selling the stuff?
0:05:47 > 0:05:48I'll tell you who.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- GUNSHOT - Aaargh!
0:05:51 > 0:05:52- WHEELS SPIN AWAY - Aaargh!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Gently, hold his hand, hold his hand. Hold his hand.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Good boy. Comfort him, Mark, comfort him.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00It's OK, it's OK, sweet boy.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- Sleet, he's dying. - I know he's dying, OK?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Just keep looking at me. Can you hear us?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05HE GROANS INTENSELY
0:06:05 > 0:06:07What is that? That's a horrible sound.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08That's an awful sound.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Are we going to save him, or...?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Well, I think the main thing is... Hey...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Hey, man, I don't want to be a dick about this.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Just keep it down a little bit, please?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22I think the... Hey, shut up, shut up! Just for a second.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Who sells Miranda?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25T-... T-...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Where's it come from? - That's it. Who is it?
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Tequilas.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30GARGLED SPLUTTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:33You're saying Tequilas is the one who's selling the drugs?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Should we worry about who shot him?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Nah, they're gone now, they're long gone.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Come back down, Mark, come back down.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40My knee's hurting, Sleet.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Is it? Oh, you poor thing(!)
0:06:41 > 0:06:45He's just been SHOT, Mark, and your knee's hurting!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Unbelievable! Really unbelievable!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49This is half the thing about being a cop.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Sometimes, you've got to be sensitive.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53OK, buddy, you've gotta die now.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- Off you go.- What?- Go into the light.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- What light?- Go into the light.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Can you hear the angels? Can you hear the baby angels?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- No.- Follow the angels, buddy.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Honestly, Sleet, I'm fine.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I think it's better we just... we just end this now.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08OK, I'm going to end this for you.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Huh?- I'm just going to take you out of your pain.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12That's it. That's it, off you go, off you popsie.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- MUFFLED WHIMPER - Sleepy bye-byes. Sleepy bye-byes.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- Go sleepy bye-byes. - Sleet, you're murdering him.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20It's only murder if someone tittle-tales.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21- Is this what you do as a copper? - Ssh!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Wrighty, search his pockets.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Well, well, well!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- It's Miranda.- Oh, yeah.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Let me have a taste, give me a little finger of that.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Oh, man, that's bleach.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35That's horrible. Take that as evidence.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- He's dead, let's... We'd better go. - The pigeons will eat him, anyway.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Unlucky, Radcliffe.- Yeah.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42See you around, you loser.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45That Miranda, there's definite bleach in that.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49'We were now hunting a drug-peddling murderer.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51'My hunch was that Paul Hollywood
0:07:51 > 0:07:54'and his motorcycle maniacs were somehow involved.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56'Time to leather up, Marky boy.'
0:08:00 > 0:08:05You ready for this, kid? We're going undercover with the Sons Of Peace.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I'm already in with them.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09They know me as Nobby McCann.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- Nobby McCann?- Yeah, a free-wheeler who joined their ranks 20 years ago.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Who am I?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18You're going to be my cousin from out of town - Sarah.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Sarah?! Are you having a fucking laugh?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21No, Sarah it is.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25If you're going to be one of them, you'll need this.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Put this on.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- You like it?- It's getting worse.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32What do you mean...? It's cool.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33- It's...- Tassel waistcoat?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Yeah, well, then just say that you went to Mexico on holiday
0:08:36 > 0:08:38and everyone was wearing them.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Listen, let's go dance a disco.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Hey, I'll go first. They know me.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49TAVERN DOOR SWINGS OPEN
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Hey, take a seat.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Oh, wow!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58God, that was a hell of a ride in.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- Nobby McCann!- Hollywood.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03You've brought a stranger with you.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I don't like strangers, even ones I've known for years.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08He ain't no stranger.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10This is my cousin.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Tell him your name.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Sarah.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Hello, Sarah.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I hope you didn't bring any weapons in here.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Cos we talk with our fists only...
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Well, let me tell you, Sarah only fights with his fists.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- He's a fister.- He's a fister?
0:09:25 > 0:09:29He's also very good round the old one-armed bandito.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Ah, fruit machines.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33No, arm wrestling. He's an arm wrestler.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35He'll arm wrestle any punk in this place.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- What?- And he'll beat 'em, too.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Why don't you choose one of my men to arm wrestle, then?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41OK, yeah.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- I pick him, there. The guy, there, with the horrible eyes.- Fuck off...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46The crazy-looking man who looks like he'd break your face
0:09:46 > 0:09:48just if you walked into his... orbit.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- He's fucking massive. - What's wrong with you?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Are you a man or a mouse?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55You're going to take on Batshit Patrick, the Violent Giant?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- Are you sure?- Is that his name?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58That's his ACTUAL name.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Poor kid didn't really have a chance, did he?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- His parents calling him that.- It's nominative determinism, in't it?
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Yeah, I don't know what that means,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07but I guess it means that he is a sad bunny.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Come on, Paddy. Got a challenge.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12- Fucking hell.- Do you know,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15he once wrestled the arm off a bear - a daddy bear?
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Do you think you can beat him?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Hey, hey! Is that a dick or your nose, Nosedick?
0:10:24 > 0:10:25HE SNORTS
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Have you got a problem with your sinuses or are you being aggressive?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30You should get some Vicks on your nose
0:10:30 > 0:10:33cos you sound like you might have, like, congestion.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34That's horrible, man.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36That's probably why you're so angry.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37- What's wrong?- Stop winding him up.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39OK, right... What do you want... Listen,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42the only chance you've got is you've got to get inside this guy's head.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44He's as big as a fucking house.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45He's taking off his jacket.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Hey, what are you doing, a strip tease?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Hey, what, do you want me to put some money in your belt,
0:10:49 > 0:10:50you filthy slut?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52What, are you going to show us your titties?
0:10:52 > 0:10:53You big pervert.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Yah!
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Wow!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00It's arm wrestling time, lads.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Hey, everyone. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- ROOM JOINS IN:- Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...
0:11:07 > 0:11:10HE ROARS
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Come on, Sarah! Come on, Sarah!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Come oo-on,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Sarah!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- CHEERING - Well done, Sarah!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yeah!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28In your face, you big lump of crud!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- That was impressive. - Yeah, it really was, huh?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32No-one's ever beaten the Violent Giant before.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Yeah, he just did, you big piece of shit!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36That was the coolest thing I ever did see.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Why don't you leave me with your cousin here for a bit?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40OK, I'm going to go and get a drink.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Do you mind if I leave you? OK. - Don't go too far.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Well, I'll be over there by the bar.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Hey, I'm really proud of you, I really am.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48You're the best.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Wow!
0:11:51 > 0:11:52I like your clothes.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Cheers. I like yours, too.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Thanks.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57One second.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Mint condom.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04The f... What are you doing?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Mmm.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Aids digestion, it freshens the breath...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19and it's a powerful aphrodisiac.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21It's disgusting.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Can I have a kiss?
0:12:25 > 0:12:26- No.- Just one little kiss.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- I don't want to kiss you. - Just a little kiss.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- I don't want to kiss you.- Come on.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Nobby!- Whoa!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38It looks like you guys have hit it off.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39How you doing, kid?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- I'm doing all right.- OK, yeah. It looks like he likes you.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Hey, what's that?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- What is that? - He started eating johnnies.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48What? What?!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- He put it in his mouth, a condom. - He put a condom in his mouth? What?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- I don't know what he's talking about.- He put a condom in his mouth.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- Are you joking? - No.- Sarah, are you...- No, I didn't.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- You did.- No.- You did and you even tried to blow a bubble with it.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- I never.- You tried to blow a bubble with a condom?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01- Never did it.- You did.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02- No.- He did.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06What else has he said?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09He said...he wants to kiss me and he likes the look of me.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10It was a joke.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Either he's just testing me or he's...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Well, I hope he's just testing you,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16otherwise I've been spending 20 years here
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- and he's never, ever made those... - Wait a minute, what?
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Is this a gay bar?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- What?- Is this a gay bar? - Not that I know of.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25I mean, everyone's friendly.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29No, it's just a group of guys that hang out with bikes and leather.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30It's not a gay bar, is it, Paul?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Just...- No.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- It's just friendly. - It's really friendly.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36The way you're being towards me,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38this romantic feeling's a little bit nerve-racking,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40so for me to warm up and have confidence,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I need something, like a bit of Miranda, or something like that.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- You got any?- My boys don't touch it.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48That stuff can kill you with one hit - a bit like me.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49You know what?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51We're going to get out of here.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53We don't want to outstay our welcome.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- Good stuff. See you all around! - Bye, Nobby.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58See you, buddy.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01'Wright had proved to me he was brave, strong and sexy.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04'So, next day, whilst I tended to an all-you-can-eat buffet,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07'Mark went to meet the town's most feared drug lord,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09'Frankie Boyle, alone.'
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Well, well, well!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15If it isn't Her Majesty's Constabulary!
0:14:15 > 0:14:21How bone-grindingly tedious of you to pay us a visit, Mr...
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- Wright.- Let's get a round of tequilas.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Nah, no drink for me, please.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30So, I assume you have some questions for me.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Yeah, I do, actually...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33You dinnae look that bright. Do you want me to read them myself?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Nah, it's all good. I can ask them myself.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Salut.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Radcliffe, did you know him?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I'm about as aware of him as I imagine you are
0:14:44 > 0:14:48of nuclear fucking physics. Any more questions?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Not really, no.- Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you, then.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I've had a more thorough grilling off a set of fairy lights.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Off you pop!- I'm after you, Boyle.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Actually, where are you going?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04What do you think this is - a drop-in centre?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I've no' finished with you yet, wee boy.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Take a seat.- I just want to go.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- PHONE RINGS - You'd better answer that.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Don't try anything clever, I wouldn't want you to get a headache.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Mark, it's me.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Don't say my name, don't say my name.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Don't say anything incriminating.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27If you are in trouble, say, "Yes, babe,
0:15:27 > 0:15:28"I can't really talk right now..."
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Yes, babe, erm, I can't really talk at the moment.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35OK, Wright, listen - if they've got guns, say,
0:15:35 > 0:15:37"I'm going for a few pints with the lads."
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I'm just going to go for a few jars with the lads.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42OK. How many of them are there?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44If there's less than ten, say,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47"It's different when it's a GIRLS' night, ain't it, you silly skank!"
0:15:47 > 0:15:51It's different when it's a girl's night, innit, you silly skank!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53You get nothing but grief from these, don't you?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Well, I'm sure, talking to her like that.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58It's not 1972! It sounds like you need to learn to communicate.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Gie's that phone!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Listen, hen,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I was just saying to Captain Tantastic here
0:16:08 > 0:16:10that yous need to learn to communicate.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I mean, it's none of my business,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14but do you find you argue all the time?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- HIGH PITCHED:- Well, I wouldn't say it's really arguing, Frank.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24To be honest, he's always downright nasty to me.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Just the other day, I got dressed up all nice for his birthday
0:16:28 > 0:16:33and he said me legs looked like sausage meat stuffed into a condom.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- That's very common, but you can talk through all that.- Yeah?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Well, when we're making sex, you know,
0:16:39 > 0:16:43sometimes he doesn't even wait for me to enjoy myself.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47He just sticks his winkie right in me and then he bloody finishes off
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and then, oh, bloody goes and watches TV
0:16:50 > 0:16:52and I have to bloody do everything else on me own!
0:16:52 > 0:16:53She's...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55She's just lying.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- She's...- I ain't a liar, you filthy scumbag!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Oh, I can't believe you'd say such a thing!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Explain to her how you feel about her, man.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Make some time for her.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I love you, baby, and you make me happy every day
0:17:07 > 0:17:10and you're such a good shagger and...
0:17:10 > 0:17:12our sex life's amazing.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14What a sweet thing to say, Mark.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17And you're... You're good at sex as well.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- I know I am. - Well, now we're getting somewhere...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Wouldn't you say...
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Sleet?
0:17:23 > 0:17:28Five, four, three, two, one...
0:17:28 > 0:17:30BANGING AT DOOR
0:17:32 > 0:17:33I'm coming, Mark!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37God, huh?
0:17:37 > 0:17:42- Oh, it's, uh...- Oh, hey, Sleet, what took you so long?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I've seen pianos make a quicker entrance than you.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Hey, Mark, you OK, kid?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Good.- That's adorable, Sleet.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52What are you, his partner or his baby-sitter?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Hey, I'm his partner!
0:17:54 > 0:17:58But let me tell you something, Boyle. If I was his baby-sitter,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I'd let him stay up late and watch all his favourite films
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and eat ice cream and jelly and trifle
0:18:03 > 0:18:06and bacon Frazzles and other nice snacks.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- And you know why? - Because you're a paedophile?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11No, no.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12No, that's not... No.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Because he's a good kid.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18He's got more good in him than you've got in your little finger.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Hey, say something cool.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Your boys are tiny.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Cooler than that.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Well, why don't I wheel you lot out in body bags?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Say something like that.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Why don't we wheel you lot out in body bags?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Don't copy me, say something of your own.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41- Just...- If you carry on,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I'm going to rip your head off and shit down your neck.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- Yeah, that's better. - Hey, took him a while there,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48but he got there, didn't he, Sleet?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Yeah, we did, we got there eventually.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Let's get out of here.- There was a load of graft to get there.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Back off, creep. You're nothing without Boyle.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58'Finally, we headed to Scumville to lock horns with Tess Daly
0:18:58 > 0:19:02'and Claudia Winkleman, local lowlife druggies who,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04'like a crab with a blowtorch,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06'were tricky and dangerous.'
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- Are you ready? - HEAVY BASS PLAYS IN NEXT ROOM
0:19:08 > 0:19:10You know what we're doing now?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13We're about to roll into the gates of Hell.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14You know what's in there?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16It's a crack den, kid.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17You ever been in a crack den before?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19No.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20I'm locked and loaded.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I got you a pepper spray, it's my home-made stuff.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- OK.- OK, listen.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28We're going to have to go in stealth mode.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- What's stealth?- Stealth...what?
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Really?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Stealth...
0:19:36 > 0:19:37is quiet.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38OK.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- You like my hair?- Yeah.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54HE MOUTHS
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Scared. Don't be scared.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Sorry, sorry.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I lost my balance.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- You idiot.- I'm sorry.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Wait.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02When you're going to spray,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04show me what you're going to do.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06No, no, no, you're like a squirrel...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Going for some nuts.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Knock... open... SPRAY...
0:21:12 > 0:21:15HE LAUGHS AUDIBLY
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Hey, hey!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Wright! Mark!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21We are fucked!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Pull yourself together.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28- Sorry.- You're ruining it.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31OK, knock.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34HE KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:21:34 > 0:21:35- MAN:- Yes?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Who is it? Aaargh!- Jesus!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Aaargh! Aaargh!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I'm sorry, mate!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44What are you doing? I'm sorry, buddy.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- His bollocks are out. - I'm sorry, buddy.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Let's get you back in your house.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49MUFFLED SCREAMS
0:21:51 > 0:21:53That was the wrong door.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56We're looking for Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57It's this one, down here.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00OK, everybody freeze.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Everybody easy.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04TESS LAUGHS
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Detective Inspector!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07To what do I owe the pleasure?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Seeing you pair of clowns is never a pleasure.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- LAUGHS:- Charmed, I'm sure!
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Will you not take seat?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I don't want to take a seat. I don't want to catch anything.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19That's not what he said last time he was here, is it, Tess-Tess?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- No, it's not.- Know what he said last time when he lived here?- No.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- I'll shut up. Ignore me, ignore me. - Shut up!
0:22:24 > 0:22:25I was a different man back then.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Look, if you're not going to buy anything,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- I'd rather you just sling your hook. - Hey, wait there.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Is that Mulhern? Is that Stephen Mulhern?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I told you never to show your...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Come here!
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Mark, don't let them leave!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38And don't have sex with them!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Tess-Tess, he's all by himself.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Tess-Tess, come, come, sit down.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Come and sit down.- Don't be scared. - Don't be scared. Sit down with us.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I know Daddy's gone, I know what it's like. Sit down.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Oh, my God, Tess-Tess, look at him, he's absolutely gorgeous.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- He's lovely.- Look at your face! It's absolutely gorge!
0:22:53 > 0:22:54I could eat you, I could eat you up.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56You've got a lovely face.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Now, Winkle, don't frighten him.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- I love a man in uniform, love it. - Winkle, heel.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Where were you both earlier today?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05In the flat. In the flat. She doesn't like to go out.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- She doesn't like to go out. - I don't like the outside world.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I don't like going out cos rooms are too big once you leave this room.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- I don't like big rooms.- So, earlier today, you were both here.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- Right here. - We've had a bloody great day,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- haven't we, Tess-Tess? - Oh, such a wonderful day.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18One for Winkle, one for Winkle.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19She always forgets me.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Do you two know Daniel Radcliffe?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Not seen him for years. We used to know him.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I think he had a thing for Tess.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27I've said it, I've said it.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28You know that he...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30he was murdered earlier.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Oh.- Did you know about that?- No.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Oh, Tess-Tess, somebody... Oh, that's...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Tess-Tess, that's awful. - That's very sad.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Winkle, show sadness.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- I'm sorry he's dead.- Oh, yeah.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Just stop this shit!
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- Oh.- Oh! Oh!
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- Oh!- Ohh!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Give me some real answers.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Tess-Tess has made him cross! Made him cross.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55You're telling me you're sitting in one of the grimiest,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- dirtiest crack dens I've ever seen...- One of the best!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- This is the best crack, here. - ..and you know nothing at all?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Nothing I'll tell you.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04If you don't mind, I'm going to go and powder my nose.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- OK, Tess-Tess.- You be good.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Oh. Oh!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10You can never have too many biscuits.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Sleet!- Where's Tessie?
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Where is she?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Where's Tessie?- Sleet!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Did you take her? It's all right, don't worry, I've got Dolly.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I'm going to find my dolly. Oh, there it is, there's Dolly.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21There's Dolly.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Say hello to Dolly.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24- Say hello to Dolly. - Put the gun down.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I think your face is like an angel that cried.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Put it down, Winkle, put it down.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- Sleet!- It's like a little cloud made up of human skin.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Tessie!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37SHE CACKLES
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Sleet! SHE SLAMS THE DOOR
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- Sleet, where you been? - What do you mean, where have I been?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45You saw where I went. I went and chased Mulhern.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46I just had a gun to my head.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49What do you expect? You're in a crack den!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- You left me here. - What did I say as I left the room?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Don't let them leave. - Where are they?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Would you let someone leave if they had a gun pointed at your head?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- No, I'd have pulled my gun. - I haven't got a gun!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Who are you trying to blame for this?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02We're out of suspects!
0:25:02 > 0:25:06You have become very sarcastic, and I don't like it!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08This ends now.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10'Mark and I kissed and said sorry.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14'It was time to wrap up this case and put a justice bow on top.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18'Wright decided who he thought was the Miranda-peddling killer
0:25:18 > 0:25:22'and we headed over to meet them for le showdown,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24'which is French for the end.'
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Well, well, well!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37What have we got here, Boyle?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Bit of a social, is it?
0:25:40 > 0:25:44More like an antisocial with you around, you filthy pig!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What does that even mean?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49What does this mean? You ready?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Take the shot. Take out Boyle, go!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04SIRENS APPROACH TYRES SCREECH
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Oh, my Boyled God!
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Oh, come on, what is that?!
0:26:10 > 0:26:15- What's that?!- That, sir, is what we call in the police a massacre.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Yes, I'm aware of that.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Why?- Well, you'd have to ask Mark Wright why.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Mark, please explain.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Boyle - that's who we're after.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- He's killed Radcliffe.- Oh, has he?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28How have you deduced that, Mark?
0:26:28 > 0:26:29He's a seller of Miranda.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- Right.- What we're here for.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Yeah? How do you know?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Because when Radcliffe got killed,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- he told me "tequila"...- Right.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39..and Boyle offered me a tequila.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Oh...!- And also, sir, if I may,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I think when we open this little boot,
0:26:45 > 0:26:49you'll find this thing's full of Miranda.
0:26:55 > 0:27:01These are toys and lemons for the local orphanage.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Really, lemons? That's a weird thing to give a kid.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04HE SLAMS BOOT
0:27:06 > 0:27:09It couldn't have been Frankie Boyle.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Radcliffe didn't say "tequila".
0:27:11 > 0:27:13He said "two killers".
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Two...killers...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19It couldn't have been Paul Hollywood.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Why? Because we was a member of the Sons of Peace.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I hope you didn't bring any weapons in here.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Yeah?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29You were told that Miranda was made with bleach.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Tess and Claudia had bleach in their apartment,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34but Boyle didn't have any in his.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37What have you got to say for yourself?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I hated him.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I went into his flat, he intimidated me.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45- Right.- He had three geezers round me with guns...- Ooh.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- ..so I couldn't give a shit, anyway. - Yeah?- Cos I hate him.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Yeah? Mark Wright?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- Mark Wrong!- Mark Wright.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Mark Who?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56- Mark Wright!- MARK WHO?
0:27:56 > 0:28:00- MARK FUCKING WRIGHT! - MARK FUCKING WRONG!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Mark Wrong.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Get him out of my sight.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Get him out of my sight, you inflatable twat.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11We're going, chief.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Sleet, say something, cos you thought it was him as well.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15I didn't really think it was Boyle.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18If I'm honest, I was just hanging out with you, having a good time.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19It's been a hell of a day.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Think about what we've done together as friends, huh?
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Do you know my favourite bit?
0:28:24 > 0:28:27- Yeah, can I tell you mine? - When you pepper sprayed...
0:28:27 > 0:28:28The old man!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30THEY LAUGH
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Now, THAT was what I call police work.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36MUSIC: You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oates