0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Hi, I'm Cammy, Chris Kamara.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11You normally see me as a sports presenter
0:00:11 > 0:00:15but today I'm going to take part in my very own cop drama.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18I've no idea what's going to happen to me but wish me luck.
0:00:18 > 0:00:19I'm on my way to Successville.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities,
0:00:29 > 0:00:34sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law and when they do,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36I get to take them down.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'm DI Sleet, I'm named after shitty weather.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41It rains murder on me every day.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45And I don't use an umbrella because I like to feel the blood on my face.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I guess that's pretty weird.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Want to hear another weird thing?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51As a little boy, I was in the Brownies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- What's that?- Oh, hello, chief.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Hi. What is that?
0:01:11 > 0:01:17Well, it's a 1982 circa merchant ship from the Nigerian armada.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Wow. Good God. That's extraordinary.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21- Thank you, sir.- Look at the anchor.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- Yeah.- Fuck me.- Yeah, I've actually carved the anchor
0:01:25 > 0:01:26from a dog's tooth.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27That's so resourceful.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Well, that's what I am, resourceful and caring.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Say you've just been sitting in here when you've been paid to solve cases
0:01:34 > 0:01:35to make this piece of crap?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- Yeah.- You complete, fucking bell-end.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- I thought you were being too nice but...- I've got you a new rookie.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Oh, great, that's all I need. - Get your finger out.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Some little princess who needs her their arse wiping.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51This is your Princess, yes.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53This hunking brute is DI Sleet.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Do the opposite of everything he tells you
0:01:55 > 0:01:58and you might just get out of this alive. Fuck me.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Chris Kamara.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01But you can call me Cammy.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I'll call you Kamara, thank you very much.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05PC Kamara.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Take a seat.- I'm not PC, I'll tell you that.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09- Oh, really?- What?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11The thing about this game, Chris,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14is you got to be ready to destroy the things you love.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Take this. Like this with the butt up.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I want you to smash this to pieces.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I didn't think you'd actually do it like that.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I thought you'd stop before I had chance to...
0:02:32 > 0:02:34You asked me to do it, guv.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I mean, how do you feel now?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- I feel good.- Do you? I feel a bit lost.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Give me the gun. Come back, please. Thank you.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You can always count on me, guv.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Yeah. I can see that. You don't care about other people's things.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Right.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Yes. Trouble at mill.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Oh, what is it now?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Someone's iced Alan Shearer.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- The champion racehorse?- I'm sorry, Sleet, the champion racehorse.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Well, look, there's no point sitting around moping, yes.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Yes, sir. Yes, chief.
0:03:20 > 0:03:25I need you two to get your arses over to the stables, yes.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28You might see an even bigger dick than yourselves.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31You ready to jump on the wild horse that's called justice?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I'm with you, guv.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37It's crime time and I'm leading the bus to Justiceville.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- Let's go solve... - Give me a ticket.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Hey, you ruined that by interrupting.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Give me a ticket.- Well, you got a ticket that comes free of charge.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47I'm with you all the way.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I like you, Chris.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I like you a lot.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Come on, Kamara.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Dammit.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Chris, grab the door.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Hey!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07This is not a time for jokes, Kamara.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13I'll take a pew, old friend.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18He meant so much to you, didn't he?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23He was the best friend a man could have.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I'm sorry that this has happened on your first day.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29You'd have liked Alan. Do you like cheese and onion crisps?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30I love cheese and onion crisps.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35So did he. Did you like snooker, do you like snooker?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I love a game of snooker.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41So did Alan.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Listen. You want to get some police work done?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46We need to find the culprit.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Yeah, we do. Find him fast.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50First port of call is that low-down piece of crap over there.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51His jockey Tom Daley.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Tom Daley.- I need you to find out what you can.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56And don't go easy on him, Kamara.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I need to see some fire from you.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59I'll be over in a second.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Tom Daley.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06What do you know about the murder of Alan Shearer?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- They poisoned him.- How do you know that, Daley?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Cos they found high levels of toxins in his blood.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Have you got high levels of toxins in you, Daley?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15No, just tea. Milk, no sugar.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16I'll be the judge of that, Daley.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22No, it's just tea, isn't it?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24You're right on this occasion, Daley.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- But we're watching you.- Hey, listen, I found this.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I'm not sure what it means.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33What have we got here?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Take a look at this, Governor.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37What is this? Was this in his things?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You were told to lose the race.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Is this from the Successville Gazette?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Whoever left that note obviously wanted to put the frighteners on me.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Really, why?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Why would they do such a thing?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50What's this all about, Daley? What aren't you telling us?
0:05:51 > 0:05:52OK, I was bribed to lose the race.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55You dance with the Devil now a horse is dead.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Hold this cup of tea, Chris, because this is about to get physical.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Look, he was a born winner.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03He won't lose a race cos of you!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07He's better than you. Who gave you the bribe?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Bishop.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Bishop. It was John Bishop.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Well, you can send a message out to every grease bag and scallywag you know -
0:06:15 > 0:06:17me and Kamara are coming for him.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And we're bringing justice with us.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- OK?- Thank you, Sleet.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for a horse called Alan.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Come to his funeral. I'll be best man.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31And I'll be wearing new socks.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- Don't be there. Don't be at his funeral.- I'll be there,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- it'd be weird if I wasn't there... - Don't you dare.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Don't eat all the vol-au-vents -
0:06:38 > 0:06:41me and Chris will be hungry. So leave some for someone else.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Don't be selfish with the vol-au-vents.- OK.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Don't finger all the sandwiches.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Have you got anything to say to him?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49After that line, no.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Or maybe just push against the wall before we go.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53No, don't do that.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Good push, Kamara. See you around, Daley, you freak.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03My beloved Alan had been slaughtered for winning.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Daley tipped us off that sports promoter John Bishop was involved
0:07:07 > 0:07:09and like a nervous guy at a sex party,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I just watched as Kamara got stuck in.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16OK, Chris. What can you see on his desk?
0:07:17 > 0:07:18A copy of the Daily Bugle.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Check the drawers, what's in there?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Oh, look at this, guv.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- What is it, Chris?- Dollars.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24And loads and loads of them.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Chris, look behind the desk.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- There's a holdall.- Take it all.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31All of it. There's something at the top, Kamara.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I can see it from here.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38It's a betting slip. Name, Cara Delevingne.
0:07:38 > 0:07:402:30. Dentist time, guv.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Oh, 2:30. Ha-ha.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44That's one of your jokes I actually get.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Oh, no, Chris, Bishop is coming back.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I repeat, Bishop is coming back.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Bishop is coming back now? - Chris, get under the desk.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I repeat, get under the desk. Take the bag with you.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Do not let him see the bag.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Oh, God, Chris, got him coming back, he does not look happy.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Listen, follow my lead. Whatever you do, follow my lead, Chris.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06If he catches you, he'll kill you.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- SCOUSE ACCENT:- Ey, there he is, Johnny Boy.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Looking good, mate.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Looking good. No, you're not.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18You're pathetic.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Pathetic. No you're not, John.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Everybody likes you, you're a people person.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28No, you're not. You're a low life scumbag, hustler.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29You're a petty crook.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31You're a hustler, John.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32A hustler. I'm not.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I'm honest. I'm honest, John.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Oh, yeah? What are you going to do when people find out, John, hey?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41What are you going to do about that? They won't find out, John.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Yes, they will. They're going to find out.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45They're going to find out your dirty little secret, John.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47What is going on in there?
0:08:47 > 0:08:48You stupid twat.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- He's talking to himself. - I'm sorry, John.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- He is crazy.- What's that?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54He heard you. Right, pretend you're a mouse.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- I repeat, pretend you're a mouse. - Is there somebody there?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Squeak, squeak.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03Did you hear that, John, eh? Even the mice are laughing at you.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Even the mice think you're a prick.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10There's only one thing left to do.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Why don't you just kill yourself, John?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- What's he saying?- He's going to kill himself.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19What? Chris, you've got to stop him. You have to stop him.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- OK.- Don't do it, John.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Who are you? Did they send you?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24I'm coming, Chris,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I'm coming.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- Back off, mate, or I'll kill you. - You wouldn't do that, John.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I would, don't even cross me, mate. I'm telling you I would do.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- I can see it in your eyes, you're not a killer.- I am. I am a killer.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Who the fuck is that? Sleet.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40What are you doing here, Sleety?
0:09:40 > 0:09:41That asthma again, guv?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- What did he say to you? - So many stairs.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48What are you saying? Something about the stairs, is it?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Can't you get a lift?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51There's a lift.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Where?- Next to the stairs. - Is there?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58You should have just said that, you know, Sleety. I didn't know
0:09:58 > 0:10:00this was your mate. You could have told me,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02it would have been all right. How are ya, mate?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- You're looking good, have you been to...?- Shut up.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Don't screw up your face like that. You look like a ball bag.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- What are you talking about?- You look a ball bag.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You look like a pair of testicles. Your face does.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I don't need me confidence knocking right now, you know.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- I'm feeling foul.- Really? Maybe what you need is him to throw
0:10:16 > 0:10:17some questions at you.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- All right, then, go on.- Did you kill the horse, Alan Shearer?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Did I kill Alan Shearer?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27You should be asking Cara Delevingne.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30She's the one that paid me to fix the race.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Yeah. She had a load of money on Peter Crouch
0:10:32 > 0:10:34but he didn't come first.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36He came second. Second.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I'm telling you, Sleety.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40There's a storm coming.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Yeah, you know what the storm's name is?
0:10:44 > 0:10:45DI Sleet.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48And Chris Kamara. And it's coming for you.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Ow!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Sleet takes Bishop.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Give him a little kick.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Hey, Kamara. Grab the bag of money.- Yeah, go on, get out.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Thanks for nothing.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Cara Delevingne.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07One of the Delevingne clan.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11They made all their money in pharmaceuticals
0:11:11 > 0:11:12and are worth billions.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16That's right, let's go.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Let's go for it, guv.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Miss Delevingne, thank you for coming in. We are Successville PD.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31I'm sure you know who I am.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Well, well, well.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- If it isn't DI Sleet. - Listen.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40We have information that you placed a rather substantial,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44large big bet on the racehorse that was Peter Crouch.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Must have been a little devastating when he lost.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Seriously, this is so lame.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53If you don't let me out of here,
0:11:53 > 0:11:57I'll get my daddy to buy this entire police station and turn it into the
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Museum of DI Sleet's tiny penis.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Well, I think on walking into the museum
0:12:01 > 0:12:02that you might find that the...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04it was in fact bigger than you might think it is.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Would I?- Yeah, you would.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I can imagine you think I have a tiny penis.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Would I be in for a massive shock?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- Yes, you would.- Really? - A massive shock.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12What, just no penis at all?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14What? No, I do have a penis.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Nothing. Just smooth.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17No, it's not smooth. I'm not a eunuch.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Have you seen my governor's penis?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Hey. Let's just leave...- Sorry, who gave you permission to speak?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Did you give him permission to speak?- He's allowed to speak...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Who even is he?- This is Christopher Kamara.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Are you even qualified to be here?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Yes, he is. He's my rookie.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Oh, dear.- I'm with him.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Yeah. Listen.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- Madame-muzz-well. - Madame-muzz-well?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Have you been to school?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- Madame-muzz-well, that's French, right?- Mademoiselle?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Mademoiselle.- Have you even been to France?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46- Yes.- When?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I don't know what you're laughing at.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57When I'm laughing, I'm serious.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- That's a weird thing to say.- That's incredibly weird.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Right, let's get back to why you're here.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Go on, gladly.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05What do you know about the death of Alan Shearer?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I know nothing about horses.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Do I look like I give a shit about horses?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I mean, is this seriously the best you can do?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Don't you have to pass some sort of fitness exam to get into the police?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Yeah, I passed it with flying colours.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20I was top of my class.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23In what? Having type I diabetes?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Type what? Stuffing your face with cake?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Rolling down a hill?- Well, actually, I'm very good
0:13:28 > 0:13:29at rolling down a hill.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Yeah, it's about all you can muster.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Governor's cutting down. He only had five meals today.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35How dare you, Chris.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I was... How dare you.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38I was watching you, guv.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40You...
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I'm sorry, Miss Delevingne, you must think we're a pair of clowns
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- but we have intelligence... - Of course I do.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48We have intelligence.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I doubt that very much.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- What?- I doubt that you have any intelligence between you at all.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58You see, I get things done my way, OK?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59When I was six years old,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I forced my nanny to undergo months of plastic surgery
0:14:01 > 0:14:03to make her look like a mermaid.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07By the time the procedure was completed and her tail was
0:14:07 > 0:14:11attached, I'd grown bored of mermaids so, naturally, she hanged.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Sounds a bit fishy to me, guv.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Was that an attempt at a joke?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I think it was. He does that to try and lighten the mood.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22It was absolutely terrible.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Yeah? It reminds me of a story of my own.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28When I was a young boy I had a friend, he was a robot,
0:14:28 > 0:14:34called Bobby. Made him out of small shoeboxes and a matchbox.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36One day I came home from school
0:14:36 > 0:14:39and my dad had thrown Bobby into the garden.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43He said that Bobby was a telltale and an idiot.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48- Bob.- He said he was a what?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52He said that Bobby was a telltale tit.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59He said Bobby was no good and was a telltale tit.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I remember looking from my bedroom window as the rain fell down on Bobby's carcass.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Then, I got all got all his soggy remains and I put them on my pillow.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08God, you're disgusting.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- What?- Absolutely disgusting.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13That story makes me feel physically sick.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14How dare you!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17How dare you!
0:15:17 > 0:15:18- Steady, guv.- No.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I can't take it any more.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- It's only words. - A barrage of insults.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- I've never seen you so angry, guv. - I've never been so angry, Chris.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Can I have a word with my sidekick?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Oh, God. I want to cry, Chris.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- I want to cry.- You do realise I can hear you?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- No, I thought if...- And if you are going to cry,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37are you going to cry tears of gravy, you fat, fucking pig?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Chris, I need to take five minutes out of here.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I'll sort everything out here - don't worry.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49All right. Listen, whatever happens - do not let her leave.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- OK, toilet mouth.- Sorry.- It's just me and you.- I can't make out a word.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Use those things on the side of your head.- Side of your...
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Toilet mouth.- Toilet...
0:16:03 > 0:16:04I'll ask you one more time.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Did you have a bet on...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Oh, hi, there!- ..on Peter Crouch. - Hi.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Sorry I'm late. So sorry to interrupt.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I'm Miss Delevingne's lawyer. David Tennant.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Who invited you in, Mr Tennant?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Oh, I'm her lawyer, so it's my right to come in here...- Yeah.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19..whenever I want, isn't it? How are you doing, chicken?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I'm absolutely fine, thank you.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Right, baby. Oh, yeah. Now, listen - you've been talking to my client
0:16:24 > 0:16:28without me present. That's not great, is it?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Considering there's no evidence to keep her here,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I do need you to sign this little release form.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It's just to say that she can go.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39We can be on our way and then you don't need to worry about it any more.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Is that OK with you?- I just need to ask her a few more questions.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- Yeah, well, just sign it there at the bottom, if you could. - Not yet, Mr Tennant.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49All right, I won't bother with the form but I'll tell you what I do have in here.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51My nephew's quite a big fan of yours.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Would you mind just giving me your autograph?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Yeah, here you go. There it is. Just stick it on the bottom of that piece...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Oh, is it on that release form again?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- Yes. Yeah. - What a joker you are!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04It looks like it, doesn't it? But it's not.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05His name is Release Form.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Will you not sign it? It's for my nephew. Do you not like kids? - I love children.- Oh, do you?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- Oh, OK, that's interesting. - Oh, my God! You love children. - I'll have to remember that.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17- There's something weird about that, isn't there?- That is pretty weird.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Did you just touch me under the table?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Yeah.- He just touched me under the table!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- He just took my trousers off. - He took her trousers off.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- I'm naked.- Sign the form.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29But I've got to admire your acting. It sounded really good.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30And you - with your trousers?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Oh, we're talking about her trousers again?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36For the record, Chris Kamara has started talking about my client's
0:17:36 > 0:17:40trousers again and is making a really weird creepy laugh.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41HE LAUGHS
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- You heard it.- It is continuing.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- He's very, very... - It's getting longer.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Chris, just sign the form. Come on.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- Hey, Dave.- How's it going?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Good to see you, pal.- Good to see you.- You well, my friend?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Sleet, I wanted to ask, by the way - do you mind just signing that quick for us?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Of course.- So are you coming to golf next week or not?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- Oh, yeah, I'd love to be there. - Yeah, yeah.- Good.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Oh, fantastic. - Guvnor, that's a release form.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Oh, oh! You just let my client go.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I can't believe you've done this to me again.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Goodbye! You are incredibly thick, aren't you?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Snidey little snake!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Is that invitation to golf even real?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19No. I don't even play golf, Sleet. Come on, Cara.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Sit down, Kamara. Sit down.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Don't blame me, guv. - What do you mean, don't blame you?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Why did you let me sign that thing?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I was doing all right before you came in, guv.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34I have never been so offended in my entire life.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I've told you before, guv - you don't get out enough.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Right, that's it!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41We need to do something about this.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Let's bring down a wrecking ball.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Time to talk to Sheikh Kanye West.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51He owned Peter Crouch, Shearer's main horsey rival.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53He was a secretive, powerful man.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Gaining an audience with him was harder than swimming in skis.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Lucky I had a plan.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- Hey, budge up.- Is that you, guvnor?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Hey. We need to give you a prostitute name.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Do you know how you do that?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12What was the name of your first-ever pet?
0:19:12 > 0:19:13- Kim.- Kim?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16And what was the reason you lost your first job?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- I was useless.- OK, you will be known as Kim Useless.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22My name is Crystal Meth.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26OK, listen. You need to really ramp up the sexiness with your body,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28cos he can't actually hear us.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29So, like this.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34God, I don't know if we're trying too hard.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I mean, I don't want to be those two girls in the club who everyone goes,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39"Oh, look at those sluts."
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Oh, no, no. - Let's try and be a bit classy.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Competition's tough. - It is. They're good-looking girls.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- But we...- We're out on top.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Oh, just tell me, now, Chris, and be honest -
0:19:48 > 0:19:49have I put too much make-up on?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Oh, don't be silly. This is the best I've ever seen you looking, guv.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Oh, thank you, Chris. That's a really sweet thing to say.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I felt so fat next to Roxanne.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Now, look at her...- If you wasn't a man, you'd be mine.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Oh, really?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04THEY LAUGH
0:20:04 > 0:20:08You are a cheeky little scamp, Kamara! I like it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09It's the way you say it, guv.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Hey, wait there! He's picked us.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Oh, yes. YES!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19DANCE MUSIC
0:20:24 > 0:20:26You like what you see?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Damn!
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- Who are you?- My name's Crystal Meth
0:20:32 > 0:20:34and just like the name and the drug,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36once you've had a taste of me,
0:20:36 > 0:20:40you'll be addicted and all your teeth will fall out.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Yeah, I like that in a woman.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- How old are you?- 18.
0:20:44 > 0:20:4518, huh?
0:20:45 > 0:20:50- Yeah.- You should probably know too that I ain't wearing any knickers.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I forgot them when I left the house.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54I also forgot my watch.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Yeah, I like that. I love a dirty girl. Yeah.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Now this is my friend Kimberly Useless.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Oops. Look, I dropped my handkerchief.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Could you pick it up for me?
0:21:03 > 0:21:07You get it, Kimberly, because I have stiff knees and a bad back.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11That's right. Stairway to heaven. Mmm!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Yeah! You know what? congratulations.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15You two have won Sheikh Kanye's affections.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Please join me.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Oh, wow! What an invitation.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I can't believe we're such lucky girls.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Oh, wow.- All right, listen up.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26It's time for business.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Now, kiss.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33Well, there's...yeah, just another note that, um...
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I mean that's obviously, completely real that...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39You should know, Yeezy likes to see a lot of tongue.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- OK.- Come on, guv. We'll get blown if we don't.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44You seem a little bit too keen for this, Kamara,
0:21:44 > 0:21:48to be completely honest with you, Kamara.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Kamara!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Yeah, grab that ass. Grab that ass!
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- Oh, wow, this is a really good kiss. - Yeah, that's right, kiss her on the cheek.- Wow, god, wow!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58It's about time we did YOU rather than us.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Yeah, why don't you come sit on my lap, pretty girl?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02- Me?- Yeah.- Me.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I want you to talk dirty to me.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh, I feel like I'm a lucky girl,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08being invited onto such a manly lap.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Oh, I'm falling all over the place.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Come on here, yeah.- Oh. Oh.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Come sit on Kilimanjaro.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Oh.- Talk to me, baby.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Oh, you know who's really sexy?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Who's that?- Kim.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23She's dirtier than me.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27She's a dirty little bitch. Get over here, Kim, and say something filthy.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Can you handle the both of us?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You ain't seen nothing.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31That's right. Come up on here.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- Oh, yeah.- Come on, kitty cat.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34HE MEOWS
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- That's right.- I'm a cat who bites back.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Hey, Kimberly, say something dirty.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42You got a beautiful nose.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Yeah, that's right. I'm going to stick my nose all up in your ass.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- Oh, wow.- Yeah. That's right. - Look at those teeth.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Yeah.- Those teeth could do all sorts to my little titties.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- You ain't no idea. - I'll bite them so soft.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Mmm! I'm ready. I'm waiting.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01What's this I see? A little locket?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Oh, who's this little fella?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yeah, that's my racehorse, Peter Crouch.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Yeah, he be winning races all the time.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Man, I love it when he win.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13But when he lose, I take it badly.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Anyway, we'd better be off, actually.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Hey, wait, wait, wait, baby girl.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21You can't go nowhere. I paid for all night.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- Can I have a second?- Sure.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Just to confer with my prostitute sister.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- Yeah.- Kamara.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Kim. As commanding officer,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I am going to have to take this one on the chin.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39And on the back and in the hair.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40- Yeah.- So...
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Go on, get out of here, little scamp.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- OK.- OK.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46I'll see you two later.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48OK. Oh, wow.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49You're really sexy.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Bye, baby. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Oh, I think we will.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58'After a long shower and a little cry, we headed over to Alan's funeral.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02'it was time to avenge his death with poisoned champagne.'
0:24:02 > 0:24:04We were more than colleagues.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- We were friends.- Tell us a story anyone will find interesting.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12As you all know that I was very close to Alan and I know that he'd be...
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Alan hated you.- Very pleased that his best friend could...
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- Oh, shut up.- No. I'm not going to shut up, because I'm his best friend.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Be quiet.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27- I'll miss you, Alan.- Right, that's it. I can't take any more of this crap.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28- Out the way, Daley.- But I haven't...
0:24:28 > 0:24:33Shut up. Chris, would you hand around the glasses?
0:24:33 > 0:24:38Um, I didn't have enough money for loads of champagne.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I only had enough for one bottle.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43It's Alan's favourite champagne and it's from Turkey.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Enjoy. Hey, Chris, come and join me up here, old friend.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49HE COUGHS
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- Oh, God. - Take your time. Take your time.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54It's not easy.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55HE GROANS
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Take your time, guv.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59OK. Oh, God, be a man.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Come on, you can do it. Don't judge me, Mummy.
0:25:02 > 0:25:08Here, look. With your...your big old face...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I used to love when we played kiss chase.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14HE GRUNTS LOUDLY
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Is it OK if you finish this, Chris? I don't think I have it in me.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- Oh, God.- I will miss our...
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Guvnor, I forgot my glasses.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- What?- I might be able to read it from back here, guv.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Are you...this is one of your jokes.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36You choose here at Alan's... to crack one of your ludicrous jokes.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39HE LAUGHS
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Hold it together, Kamara.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44What would you feel like if I laughed at your funeral?
0:25:46 > 0:25:50I will miss our talks and your polo breath.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- Great words, guv. - I haven't finished yet.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54You just completely ruined the end of this poem.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Thank you, Kamara.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59So we're going to raise our glasses. Chris, would you like to...
0:25:59 > 0:26:03You say the toast. Alan would have liked that.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08The king and the champion of all racehorses, Alan Shearer.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Alan. Don't toast. Don't you toast without a glass.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Put your hand down. Put it down.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16What?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17What's in that?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Is that cheap stuff? Eurgh!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Oh, sweet Jesus.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25What is that?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27That, sir, is a horse murderer.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Says who?- Says Chris Kamara.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31The floor is yours.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- Kamara, tell him why. - It had to be him, Chief.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Well, please enlighten me, Chris.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I went to his office.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42In the office, guvnor, I found a betting slip
0:26:42 > 0:26:43for Miss Delevingne.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Also in the drawer was a lot of money in the drawer
0:26:47 > 0:26:50and Bishop was there to shoot himself.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- So what?- His conscience was getting the better of him.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Oh, I see. His conscience, eh?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Well, I'm afraid, Chris,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02that you've completely buggered up this investigation.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I hope you're feeling good about yourself.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06The killer was not John Bishop.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08It was Cara Delevingne.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Take her away, lads.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I'll be out by the end of the day. My daddy OWNS the prison.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Yeah, you will be destroyed in prison.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Of course it was Cara.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21That betting slip that you saw in John Bishop's office -
0:27:21 > 0:27:22that was hers.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24You clocked it, yes?
0:27:24 > 0:27:29Now, you might have seen that the family fortune was in freefall
0:27:29 > 0:27:33if you'd bothered to read one single fucking paper
0:27:33 > 0:27:36so Cara thought that she could make it back
0:27:36 > 0:27:39by betting everything she had on Peter Crouch
0:27:39 > 0:27:42but Peter Crouch lost and Alan Shearer won
0:27:42 > 0:27:44and she went mad and slaughtered him.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46It wasn't John Bishop.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Why? Because the note - yes? -
0:27:49 > 0:27:53found on Alan Shearer's body was made up of letters from...
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Successful Gazette.
0:27:55 > 0:28:01..but John Bishop read the Successful Bugle.
0:28:01 > 0:28:08And as for you, don't just stand there grinning like some massive sleazy garden gnome.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Go home.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13How did I get it wrong, guv?
0:28:13 > 0:28:14I don't know, Chris.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17But I guess the thing is -
0:28:17 > 0:28:20yeah, Alan's gone but I got a new best friend now.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- Come on, let's get out of here. - Let's go for it.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Hey, Kamara. I hear that the Successville Hotspurs are after a new manager.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- Fancy that? - Anything's better than police work.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33THEY LAUGH
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Now, that's a great joke!
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# Here comes Johnny singing oldies, goldies
0:28:38 > 0:28:40# Be-Bop-A-Lula, baby, what I say
0:28:40 > 0:28:43# Here comes Johnny singing I gotta woman
0:28:43 > 0:28:46# Down in the tunnel trying to make it pay
0:28:46 > 0:28:48# He got the action, he got the motion
0:28:48 > 0:28:51# Oh, yeah, the boy can play
0:28:51 > 0:28:54# Dedication, devotion
0:28:54 > 0:28:57# Turning all the night-time into the day
0:28:57 > 0:28:59# He do the song about the sweet lovin' woman... #