0:00:07 > 0:00:10Hi, I'm Emma Bunton, a Spice Girl and a radio presenter
0:00:10 > 0:00:14and today I'm going to be starring in my very own cop drama.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18I really don't know what to expect, so wish me luck.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I'm off to Successville.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law, and,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38when they do, I'm here to take down.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43I'm DI Sleet and if I was a dog, I'd be an Alsatian called Kevin -
0:00:43 > 0:00:47hairy, slick, with sharp teeth and halitosis,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49and my bite would be worse than my bark
0:00:49 > 0:00:51and that's a fact.
0:01:01 > 0:01:07MUSIC: La Donna e Mobile from Rigoletto by Giuseppe Verdi
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- What's going on?- Oh, hello, Chief.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30I am simply writing my memoirs.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34They are a collection of stories, some of my best cases.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's an absolute sizzler, a rip-roarer.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Well, I wouldn't wipe my twitching arse with it.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I've got a new rookie for you.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Bunton!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- Hello, darling.- Hi.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47This is DI Sleet.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Sleet, this is Emma Bunton.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51She is as pure as the driven snow.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Yes?- Yes.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Right, so, try not to melt her, Sleet, yes?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Put that in your fucking book.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Take a seat.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Hi.- How are you doing, all right? - Nice to see you. Yeah, good, thanks.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- You as well, you've a nice manner about you.- Thank you very much.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Think you're ready for this life?
0:02:11 > 0:02:12I'm... I'm ready, yeah.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15You think you could be badass?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Yeah, I can be badass.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Let me tell you something, Emma, you know,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I've been out there on those streets for too long, busting wise guys,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25cracking heads, so I started writing my memoirs.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Yeah, got some good stories in here.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32"I saw this guy, he was deranged,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35"he looked at me and his eyes had deranged in them.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"I said, 'You look deranged' and he said, 'I'm not deranged',
0:02:39 > 0:02:43'and I pushed him over and he said, "You're the deranged one."
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- That's as far as I got with that one.- I quite like that one.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Do you?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Shall we write a story about us and our first meeting?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Yeah.- OK.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- You... You...- You want me to start?
0:02:58 > 0:03:04- Yeah.- OK. I walked into a room and met a rather large man...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- A tall...- Tall what?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- A tall man. A rather tall, large man.- Tall man.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- Handsome.- Yeah.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13"I was impressed."
0:03:13 > 0:03:15OK, yes.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- I wasn't that impressed.- What?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- I like...- What do you mean you weren't?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I like what you're writing, but it's not that impressive.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24No, not about the writing, about me.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Oh.- This is like a foreword for my book.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- OK.- "I was impressed." - I was impressed.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- "By..."- By his...glasses.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Oh, thank you! "By his glasses."
0:03:35 > 0:03:36I like that, that's a nice thing.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- This is actually one of my favourite chapters already.- Good.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Well, have you got any questions for me about police work?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44OK, do I need a gun?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I... I'm so sorry.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- Oh, for Christ's sake.- I'm so sorry to break up the little book club,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53but there's been a murder, yes, up in North Successville.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Detective James May has been murdered.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59If there's one thing I hate, it's cop-killers.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00What about you, Bunton?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Yeah, me too.- Right, good. Get your arse in gear, then,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06or else I'll staple it to the desk and shit on you.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Chop chop.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Don't be jumpy, Bunton.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12You did scare me a bit then.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Don't worry. To your feet.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Let's head to North Successville and catch a cop-killer!
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Badass Bunton.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Badass Bunton it is.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23We headed north.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Waiting at the other end was May's partner, DI Clarkson,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28and Chief Of Police Nigella Lawson.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36DI Clarkson, I'm DI Sleet from the big city, or the Big Smoke,
0:04:36 > 0:04:37as you country dwellers call it.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- This is...- PC Bunton.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41How are you feeling, buddy?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Pretty bad. This is one of the worst things that's happened to me
0:04:45 > 0:04:46in my entire life.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Should we get some information? I'll take some notes.- Yes, right.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53So, this is what they did to my partner and my friend.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56We're pretty sure the blows came from a left-handed individual.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Oh, I hate left-handed people!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- I hate them.- Well, I do now.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Oh, that's horrible. That's gruesome!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04They removed his head and his feet.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Hey, imagine if they had taken his knees and his shoulders.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Then they'd have taken his head, shoulders, knees and toes,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- knees and toes.- I don't... I don't understand. Why would they...?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- It's just a rhyme.- Is it?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- You must have heard the song.- No.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. #
0:05:21 > 0:05:24No. What is that? Is it a pop song?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- It's a nursery rhyme.- Yeah, they play it at kids' parties.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- All right, OK.- I mean, you wouldn't want to show this to a kid.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32No, I wouldn't show that to anyone's child.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33That's pretty bad.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Hello, hello!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Stand up, Bunton, stand up.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Hi, hello, hi, I'm PC Bunton.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41- PC Bunton.- Nice to meet you.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Hi. DI Sleet.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46DI Sleet. Oh, I am so excited
0:05:46 > 0:05:51that we have a couple of blue wings from the Big Smoke helping us out!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Well, I could have solved this one on my own, Chief Lawson.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- I told you that.- Jeremy, darling, don't be rude to our guests.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59They are here to help.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- He's been a bit of a grumpy guts since we've been here.- Oh, really?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Yeah, he has.- Jeremy! - Well, he's upset, I think.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Well, he's actually been rude.
0:06:07 > 0:06:13Please, don't judge us all on his grim, frosty welcome.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16We are a very hospitable bunch up here in the North,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18so if you need anything, please...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- I'll need your number. - I will give you my number.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I'd love to have it on my phone!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Sleet, was it?- Yeah, that's my name, don't wear it out.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I won't. Sleet is my...
0:06:28 > 0:06:31it's my favourite kind of storm.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Oh, yeah, there's a storm raging, a raging, hot storm.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Yeah, I feel that hard storm coming my way.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Oh, it's going to come... all over your face.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- OK...- Yeah, shall we go now?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- Come on.- Help yourselves to jumpers and...- Oh, we will.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57The file said Detective May was investigating Ian McKellen,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00a local fisherman who was selling illegal dolphin meat.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Something smelled fishy,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05so we headed to the docks where something smelled fishy.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Listen, as far as I'm concerned,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10there is no more noble trade than that of a seaman.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Remember, seamen can be slippery.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21THEY STIFLE GIGGLES
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Let's get out, let's do it.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28HE HUMS
0:07:28 > 0:07:34# With a yo-ho tiddly tiddly tum-tum yo-ho tiddly tum... #
0:07:37 > 0:07:38I know you're there.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I can feel your presence.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Ahoy there, your sea-ness.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Hello.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Hello! Who are you?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I'm DI Sleet, this is my partner.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53PC Bunton.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I'm not looking for any crew.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Yeah...- Thank you anyway, I need to get back to my rope.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Yeah, well... Leave the rope, old timer.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03- What?- Leave the rope.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- What?- I'm not looking to join a crew.- Who are you?- What?
0:08:07 > 0:08:08- Who are you?- I'm DI Sleet from...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Hey, I've been through this!
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I'm not looking to join a crew.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14My leg has gone funny.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Oh, God.- We're investigating the murder of James May.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20I'm not looking for any crew. I've told you already.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Listen to me, listen! Hey!
0:08:22 > 0:08:23- Hey!- Hey!- Hey!- Listen!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Who are you?- I'm PC Bunton.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27I'm not looking for any crew.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Oh, for crying out...
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- Stupid...- I can't deal with this, this guy is doing my brain in.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Listen, are you OK to deal with this?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I'm going to go and have a look around for some evidence.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Oh... OK.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Yeah?- Yeah, OK.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Excuse me? Hello?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Who's there?- Hi, I just wonder if I could ask you...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Who are you?- I'm...
0:08:47 > 0:08:49What are you doing here? Are you here to clean my boat?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51No, I am PC Bunton, I'm here...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Johnny! Is that you, Johnny?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- No...- Johnny!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- How wonderful to see you, Johnny! - No, it's...
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- Your wonderful face, so young! - No, I'm Emma. Bunton. PC Bunton.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03They told me you were dead, Johnny.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- Can I ask...- They said you drowned out in the sea.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Can I ask you a few questions?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Remember the song we used to sing?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12No, I don't.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14# Tiddly tum-tum tiddly tee... #
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Sing with me, Johnny.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18# Tiddly tum tiddly tee...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21# Tiddly tum-tum... #
0:09:21 > 0:09:23You're a funny little chap, aren't you?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I need to ask you this question. Did you know...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- Did who know? Me?- Detective...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29No. Did you know Detective May...
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Yes, I knew Detective May, he came round here...- ..was going to...
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Let me finish. He came round here, asking his questions, Johnny.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Questions. Like you - questions, questions, questions.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Questions, questions, questions.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41- Questions.- Yes.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Shut up, you bitch!
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Shut up!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47It's all gone, Johnny.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I can't take it any more, Johnny!
0:09:51 > 0:09:52HE SOBS
0:09:52 > 0:09:55OK. It's all right.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57What the hell have you said?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I was looking around, I got myself an ice cream.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- A what?!- I had a quick ice cream, I was hungry,
0:10:03 > 0:10:04we'd been driving for ages.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- What the hell have you said? Why is he like this?- Who are you?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I'm DI Sleet, you clown. What the hell has happened here?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Have you met my grandson?- I keep asking...- Have you met my grandson?
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Your grand... What?!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15We have the same eyes, you see.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17You do, you have the same eyes. Are you related to him?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- Don't be ridiculous. - What do you mean? How dare you!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- You're being ridiculous. - I'm not being ridiculous. He said...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Are you his grandson?- You're being ridiculous, you big twat.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Right, is he being tricky? - He's being tricky.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- OK, do you know how we deal with tricky people in the force?- How?
0:10:31 > 0:10:32We deal with them like this.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Come here, you!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Now listen to me! Listen to me!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Help me, Johnny. - She's got a question.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Did you know that Detective May was trying to stop your lucrative
0:10:41 > 0:10:43dolphin-meat business?
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Did you? Did you know?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Dolphins? Can't stand dolphins!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Do you know what we call them out on the ocean?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52No. What do you call them?
0:10:52 > 0:10:53The paedophiles of the sea.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57That's how much we hate them!
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Love them or hate them,
0:10:58 > 0:11:03it's still illegal to slaughter them and sell them as food.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06We know that you've been doing that down at Katy Perry's diner.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08What have you got to say about that?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Hold my gun. Hold my gun and threaten him with it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14That's it, that's it.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16How about I hold you by your nuts?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18You like that?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Leave Little... Leave Little Ian alone.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Please.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Now what have you got to say?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26All right, I sold the dolphins.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30I sold them, I took some round the diner the other day.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Hands up to it.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33But I'm not a murderer...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37..just a fisherman.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40- He's not, is he?- Where were you...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43What do you mean? You're just going to take his word for it?!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- Sorry.- Put that gun in his face!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Put it in his face!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50# With a yo-ho piddly piddly pom-pom... #
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Get out of here! Come on, Bunton.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57- Remember we're in town now, McKellen. Stay out of our way.- Yeah.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58THUNDER RUMBLES
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Storm's coming, Detective.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Better get back to the mainland where it's safe.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09So, McKellen was passing on the dolphin meat to Katy Perry.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13We headed over to her diner for our evening supper
0:12:13 > 0:12:14and some undercover work.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16That's better, that's good, OK.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Oh, God, this is...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- This is nice.- Yeah.- Listen...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I'm going to have a little look around the kitchen,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- see what I can find out, see if there's any evidence in there.- OK.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30What I need you to do, you keep her here.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- OK.- Are you all right with that?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Yes.- She's coming, she's coming. - I know, she's right there.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36THEY LAUGH
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- EMMA AND KATY:- Hi.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Here's y'all menus.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Hey! Y'all boys from out of town?
0:12:42 > 0:12:47I ain't seen you round here before and I know everybody.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I guess it's my business to know.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52How very observant!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Yeah, we are... I'll actually make a note of that
0:12:55 > 0:12:57in my restaurant critic's notebook.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Y'all are restaurant critics?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Yes.- Dang it, that's the cat out of the bag.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Well...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08SHE LAUGHS
0:13:08 > 0:13:12That's so lovely. Hey, I'd better get you a drink.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14On the house, but of course!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15I'd love a White Russian.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17OK. And for you?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Glass of water, just a glass of water, she's...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- It's her first... - No, I want something stronger.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Just have a glass of water.- OK, wat...- Water's fine.- Water, please.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Tap or sparkling?
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Oh, sparkling, please.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- I've only got tap. - Tap's fine.- Tap's fine.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33That's the tap.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Everyone up here is so jolly and lovely, aren't they?
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Well, you know, we have a lot of clowns in Northern Successville.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48My second-second-second cousin, he was a clown.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52He never took his make-up off, even when he shot himself.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Laughin' till the end.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- Wow.- Wow.- That's a horrible fact.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Yes, it is.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I'm sorry to say, Miss Perry, official restaurant critic business.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I need to have a little look around your kitchen.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Is that OK? - Why, of course, stranger.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- You gots to do your job, ain't you? - Thank you very much.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Hey, Joe! Joe!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Make sure you show this kind gentleman round the kitchen.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Let him see everything he needs to see.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Can I just ask one question?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Yes.- Has Joe touched the food?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24No.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26We don't let him touch anything.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- OK.- That yoghurt pot, it's his comfort.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- He's got his tongue right up in there.- Yeah.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34It's the only way to stop him from screaming.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- Wow.- OK, well, I'll see you in a bit.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Stay away from Joe.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43OK, what are you going to have, sweetie?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I was thinking, maybe I could get like...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47like a Kahlua.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48- A Kahlua?- Yeah, does that...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Well, you're pretty fruity!
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Does that... Whoa.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Does that, um... Lots of ice.- Yeah.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I'd like lots of ice, please, yes.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- It's pretty cold today, but OK. - I'd like lots of ice. Sorry...
0:15:01 > 0:15:02What?
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- WITH MOUTH FULL:- May I say, you have a sexy and delightful kitchen.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Well, thank you.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10I'll get that ice.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I've bitten off more than I can chew...
0:15:16 > 0:15:17- What's up?- She is scary as hell.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Well, guess what I found when I was in the kitchen.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21This.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Also, I found a nappy that I am assuming is Big Joe's.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26It was full.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Oh, disgusting!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Yeah. Found this.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Oh, piss off!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Yeah. It's James May's disgusting, withered, dirty old foot.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Hey!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42What...? What?
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Is that a foot?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I know one from anywhere.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Hey, I did not... It came in with the deliveries,
0:15:48 > 0:15:49it ain't got nothing to do with me.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51OK, I believe you. Thanks.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- Here you go.- Did you order yourself a drink?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Yes.- It's a Kahlua in the disguise of a White Russian.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- We actually have to go, I'm afraid. - Yeah, we should go now.- What?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03No, no, no, please don't tell me that foot put you off our food.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07I'm afraid... I don't want to be known as a fussy britches,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11but finding human body parts in my food really throws me off.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I'm sorry. That's just me. We'll probably only give you one star.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- One star?- I'm just going to say this and I'm going to say it once.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22We've got a saying up in Northern Successville.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25If the weather doesn't take you, them woods will.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28OK?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Next morning, I got a call from Nigella Lawson
0:16:33 > 0:16:37and whilst I discreetly played with my plonker through a hole in my pocket,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39she told us Clarkson had been killed.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You know what, if I'm going to live here,
0:16:44 > 0:16:45I'm going to have to get a bigger car
0:16:45 > 0:16:48with all these big hats and coats, that's for sure.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52OK, tread careful, all right?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Look who it is over there. OK, Bunton, I'll try a cooler walk.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Don't walk like that, then. You look stupid.- What?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Oh, thank God you're here!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Hey, girl! Here we go.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Hey, baby. Hey, darling.- Oh, no!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08He was shot straight through the heart!
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Hey, don't you dare cry!
0:17:09 > 0:17:13No, I'm sorry. It's just a huge loss to my whole department
0:17:13 > 0:17:15and all of Northern Successville.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Well, guess what, honeybee?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Me and Badass Bunton are on this case, so...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22You know, I don't want to jump the gun
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- and throw my load all over your face...- I'd like that.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Oh, would you?- Yes. - Oh, not this again!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- What again?- Stop flirting with each other, it's revolting.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32OK, Emma, if you find it so revolting,
0:17:32 > 0:17:34maybe you'd like another little task.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- Pull his trousers up, he's putting me off my stride.- I'm not...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Emma, I'm not doing it, I'm a senior officer.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41You pull his trousers up.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- I can't...- She is a chief officer!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Bunton, for Christ's sake!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Sorry, sorry.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49- Oh, it's fine. - Come, come, come here.
0:17:49 > 0:17:54- Bunton, I'm trying to have sex with Nigella.- I know.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58How undignifying is it if I've got to pull up another man's underpants?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- Is everything OK? - Yeah, oh, I should probably...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02You might have thought that we were talking about...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- He wants to have sex with you.- Oh!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06THEY LAUGH
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Really?- It's like taking my nine-year-old kid out, with you,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11you cheeky little scamp.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Listen...
0:18:14 > 0:18:15I want to kiss you on the mouth.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Oh, God.- I'd like that.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19And I want to stroke your hair.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It would make me feel very, very important.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23You are important.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Hey, chalk it up.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27One more thing in my friggin' life.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28I want to have kids with you.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Sleet, no.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33See, I'm the kind of G the little homies want to be like.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38That's just me. I'm going to buy you flowers every day.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Stop it, you don't need to do that.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Different flours - wholegrain, gluten-free -
0:18:42 > 0:18:44so you can make different cakes.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46That's what women do. And I'll eat those cakes.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I need to... I need to get back and file the report.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50You get back to work, sweet lady.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I want you to draw a picture of me.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- I will.- You'd better.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58And you, you wrap up warm, Detective.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00There's a storm coming.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Two cops down and one more suspect to go.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Louis Walsh.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07He was being investigated by May for illegally hunting.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Walsh was a former cop that got sacked over corruption
0:19:10 > 0:19:12and he'd been living feral in the woods ever since.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Oh, my...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- Quick, Bunton, get in there. - Oh, my goodness, this is horrible!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Bunton, have a little look around,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25see if you can find some clues in this place.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29We might have just stumbled upon what looks like an animals' morgue.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Would you want to live here?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33No, it's horrible, I really don't like it.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- Oh, God!- What's wrong with you, Bunton? You are such a snob!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I'm not a snob! I don't like stuffed animals!
0:19:40 > 0:19:41All right! Jeez!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Listen, I'm going to have a look around outside,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47see if we've got anything out there. You look for some clues in here.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49You're going to leave me here, with these?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- What, are you scared? - Yeah, I don't like it.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53You'll be fine, Bunton.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55OK, yeah, I know I'll be fine. Go.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- What do you mean, go?! That's very flippant!- Get out.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Oh, God, that's horrible!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11SAVAGE HISSING
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Oh, my God, I don't like it! I really don't like it!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Hi. Um...
0:20:17 > 0:20:19HISSING
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Oh, my goodness! - Shush. Shh, shh, shh.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- You don't talk to me.- Why?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28You were meant to keep watch, Benjamin.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Can I not trust you to do anything? Can I not trust you to do anything?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34HE SOBS
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- It's OK.- Don't talk to me.- Why?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- You don't even look at me.- OK.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43You only speak to Benjamin. Do you understand?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Tell him who you are and what you want from me.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I'm with DI Sleet, he's around somewhere.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49You're the police.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Yeah.- There's only one thing I hate more than a policeman -
0:20:54 > 0:20:58that's a policeman's mummy for shitting him out of her fanny.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00The police chewed me up and spat me out.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Can I ask you a few questions?- Sh.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I can smell a little bit of your wee-wee.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Can you smell it, Benjamin?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Shall we let her stay?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- I think I want to go anyway. - Benjamin says he likes you.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18He says he thinks he's in love with you.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Oh...- Sit yourself down. You want...
0:21:20 > 0:21:23You want me to introduce you to some of Benjamin's friends?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27This little fellow over here,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29he's called Ol' Dirty Bastard from the Wu-Tang Clan.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33That's Wagner. Fucking idiot.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Do you know who this little fellow is?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- No.- Do you know who this little fellow is?- No.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Do you want to know what I call him?- Yeah.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I call him my cock garage.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Oh, my God!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I'll leave you to get to know the friends.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Benjamin, are you hungry?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- No, I'm fine... - I've got some pork scratchings.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Well, I say they're pork scratchings,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57they're a little bit more toenaily than that,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59but I scrubbed them before I cut them, I fucking promise.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I know you're going to like it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05And I've got you some other stuff in here that I don't think
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- you'd really...- Oh, it smells!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I don't want it!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I'm sorry, I know that's not very...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14hospitable, I just...
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Eat your food! I made food for you!
0:22:18 > 0:22:19I made the food for you!
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- No, thank you so much... - She won't eat the food, Benjamin!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Benjamin is getting a little bit sleepy.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- Good. Is he going to go to sleep now?- I think he is.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33I tell you what, it works really well as hair gel, as well,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35for Benjamin.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Don't get much company up here in the woods.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42No, you're on your own here, are you? Yeah, OK.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Can I ask you a few questions, do you think?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- You've got something on your mind. - Why do you live up here on your own?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I don't have a choice.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Why?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53They took away my hunting licence.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56It's all I had in the world! All I had was my hunting licence
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- and they took it away from me! - Who took it away from you?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02They got what's coming to them. I tell you that.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04DOOR OPENS
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Jesus creeper, that is cold out there, I've got to say.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Auntie Claire! What have you done to my Auntie Claire?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I don't know, it jumped out on me, I just shot it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14LOUIS WAILS
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You've done a bad thing, cop.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You've done a bad thing and you're not welcome for tea and cake.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I don't want tea and cake, you fucking weirdo.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- You can't have any anyway.- What is this? You're walking around town
0:23:24 > 0:23:26with this thing, a deer dressed in women's clothing?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29A man needs some affection out here in the woods.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30I'm going to take her to hospital.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33They'll fix her up and she'll be right as rain
0:23:33 > 0:23:35and we'll be rutting this time tomorrow.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Fucking door!
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- Oh, my God!- What the hell was his story?- Oh, my God!
0:23:44 > 0:23:45He is intense, huh?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I asked him a few questions, he gave me nothing.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- What do you mean? You're a cop! - He's absolutely crazy.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Do you want the bad news?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54The storm's coming in.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56We're going to have to bolt down here for the night.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Oh, piss off!
0:24:00 > 0:24:01THUNDER RUMBLES
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Oh, Bunton...
0:24:04 > 0:24:05You are silly!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07You've been sweet, you've looked after me, thank you.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- It's my job, you know, Bunton. - Thank you very much.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Well, you've also thawed this old ice warrior.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14I have a bit, haven't I?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- Life, eh, Bunton?- I know.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- I know.- Sometimes it's just nice sitting by a fire.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- It is.- Do you think that...?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25BANG AND CLATTER
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Jesus! What the hell was that?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31That's not good, Bunton. That ain't good at all.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Wait here, I'm going to go and check outside.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Oh, my God! Don't leave me in here.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- I don't want to be in here on my own.- I'll leave you the gun.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- OK?- OK.- Right.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Don't be long.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Hey!
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Who's out here?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51What do you want from us?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Who bangs upon my door?
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Begone!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Head to the woods!
0:24:58 > 0:24:59We have no need for you here.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01GUNSHOT
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Oh, my God!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05HE GASPS
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Sleet?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Bunton, Bunton!- Oh, my God!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- Bunton...- Oh, my God! - Bunton, get over here.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Get away from the door, Bunton.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- My God!- Get away from the door.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Oh, God, Bunton.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23What... Oh, my God!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Oh, my God!- Bunton...
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Oh, my God! What do I...
0:25:28 > 0:25:31HE COUGHS
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Oh, my God! What do I do, what do I do?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Oh, no!- They got me, Bunton.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39They got me.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Oh, my God.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I guess this is it, huh?
0:25:47 > 0:25:48No, no, no, it can't be!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Comes to all of us, Bunton.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53No, you can't die! What about the next series?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Well, I guess it's just going to have to be somebody else
0:25:56 > 0:25:57who takes the reins, Bunton.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- What the hell is going on there? - What's going on in there?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03They're out there, they've come for us, Bunton.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Oh, my God. - You need to take them out.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Whoever you think killed the cops in this town and then killed me,
0:26:10 > 0:26:12you've got to take them out, Bunton.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Oh, my God!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Go, Bunton. Go, girl.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18You can do this.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Is everything all right, Johnny? We came as quick as we could.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25We heard a gunshot.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- Emma...- Oh, my God!- Emma, listen,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29it's been a hell of a ride.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Finish my book for me, yeah?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Take...
0:26:35 > 0:26:36the shot...
0:26:37 > 0:26:39..and shout the killer's name.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Katy!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48SIREN WAILS
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Look after my boy Joe.
0:26:51 > 0:26:56What the fuck is tha-a-a-a-at?
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Who did this?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- Me!- Bunton!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Come here! Explain yourself.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Why Perry?
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Because I went to her... I went to the diner and she had
0:27:07 > 0:27:10the foot there and her weird son, I thought was helping,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13and then she said to be careful in the wood.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Right. That is completely confused reasoning.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18It wasn't Perry!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20It wasn't her!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23It was him! It was McKellen!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26He's the killer. Take him away, boys.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- I'm innocent!- Take him away.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- I'm not looking for any crew. - You evil old bastard!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Of course it was McKellen.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35You were looking for a left-handed killer, yes?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37McKellen was left-handed, he had a hook.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Perry was right-handed.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42McKellen was selling dolphin meat because his business was struggling.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Didn't you see the for sale signs down at the docks?
0:27:46 > 0:27:50He told you that he'd made a delivery to the diner.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I took some round the diner the other day.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55That's when he planted that foot.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Bunton, Bunton, the air up here has made you stupid.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- Shit!- What have you got to say for yourself?- Oh, shit.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Tell me something!
0:28:05 > 0:28:06I...
0:28:06 > 0:28:08messed up. Shit!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I've come all the way up here and it's cold
0:28:11 > 0:28:12and the cold makes me weepy.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- Oh, shut up!- No, you shut up!
0:28:15 > 0:28:16And as for you, you great...
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Where is he? Where's Sleet?
0:28:19 > 0:28:20You need to come and see.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22MUSIC: Hurt performed by Johnny Cash
0:28:22 > 0:28:23# What have I become
0:28:25 > 0:28:28# My sweetest friend
0:28:30 > 0:28:34# Everyone I know
0:28:34 > 0:28:38# Goes away In the end
0:28:40 > 0:28:43# And you could have it all
0:28:46 > 0:28:49# My empire of dirt
0:28:51 > 0:28:54# I will let you down
0:28:56 > 0:29:00# I will make you hurt. #
0:29:11 > 0:29:15# I wear this crown of thorns
0:29:17 > 0:29:20# Upon my liar's chair
0:29:22 > 0:29:25# Full of broken thoughts... #