0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Hey! Who's out here? They got me bad. They've come for us, Bunton.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Whoever you think killed the cops in this town and then killed me,
0:00:10 > 0:00:12you gotta take 'em out, Bunton.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Take...the shot.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15Katie!
0:00:15 > 0:00:17It wasn't Perry!
0:00:17 > 0:00:19McKellan is the killer!
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- Where is he? Where's Sleet?- Oh, my God, you need to come and see.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53MACHINE BEEPS
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Sleet, can you hear me?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56It's Laing.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Sleet?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00If you can hear me.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I heard you were shot.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Sleet?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Are you a little cherub, sent from the heavens?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Little cloud pixie...
0:01:14 > 0:01:17..sent to take me to heaven?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Is that what you are, boy?
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Just a friend here for you.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22SOMETHING FALLS
0:01:23 > 0:01:24You just ripped out my drip.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27It's pretty essential to me staying alive.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- I don't know what to do with it. - Just put it back in there.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33- OK. Are you sure you don't want a nurse?- Don't worry about nurses.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- OK.- The nurses have been starving me of food.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38There's some fruit there, I can give you some fruit?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- What fruit is that?- I can get you...
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Feed me this banana.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Please.- Apparently, if you eat 11 bananas, it can kill you.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Well, lucky enough for me, there's only two there.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- You clown. - Just trying to cheer you up.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56By telling me that I might be poisoned by bananas?
0:01:56 > 0:02:00It's good to see that your police work is as good as your bedside manner, Laing.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Where were you shot?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08What are you trying to do, Laing, choke me to death?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Is that good?- Mm, it's nice.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I was shot in the jam tart.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15You were shot in the heart?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Just above it. When I was a boy, I had an operation.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22It meant that my heart was made from wood.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- Like Pinocchio?- Who's Pinocchio?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29The puppet. He was a wooden boy.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33BOTH STIFLE GIGGLES
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Tell me the story of Pinocchio, Jamie.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I could do with some cheering up.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44He was a...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Geppetto.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Sorry, it's just a bit emotional to see you like this.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I know, boy.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I think he was a cop and turned into a puppetmaker.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Pinocchio was a puppet and, I don't know,
0:03:00 > 0:03:04he became alive somehow and Geppetto always wanted a real boy.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06You know something?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07I...
0:03:07 > 0:03:10think me and this Geppetto guy have got a bit in common.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Both want a...wooden boy?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17No, I used to have a puppet when I was a boy.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20My mum put him in the wash, and his eyes fell off.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24You know, I was thinking of taking a holiday after all this.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Mm-hmm.- You got any good recommendations?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- What about the Maldives? - Is it hot there?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Yeah, and there's beaches and blue sea.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Do you know the last place I went to on holiday?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- Where?- It was a little shantytown
0:03:36 > 0:03:39where all of the people in the town took an instant dislike to me.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Started calling me "Gun-dung-van-deg".
0:03:42 > 0:03:45For a while I wondered what that meant but it meant "big,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47"stinky, white idiot".
0:03:47 > 0:03:50One day I got home and the mud hut I had built
0:03:50 > 0:03:53had been trashed to the floor. It was just a heap of mud.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54And, er...
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Then I met one of the tribe women, Coogen Tag.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I thought she loved me,
0:04:03 > 0:04:07but it turned out that was just a big practical joke.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I just feel so bad for you.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13So I ended up alone just sitting on a big pile of mud,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16that used to be my hut.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Oh, that's so sad.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Maybe you could give me a hand.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I have no strength in me.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- What is this?- It's a book I'm trying to write about my life.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30So you want me to write something down?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Just help me with my memoirs please, boy.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- OK.- My memoirs.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36- That's the title?- Yup.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39How do you spell memoirs? M...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42..E-M-O-I-R-S, I think.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Don't worry about it. Just put the memory.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Actually, put "the tale", "the story".
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- OK, the tale.- No, the story, the story of...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- The story of...- 'Mark Wright,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56'one of the most attractive men I have ever met
0:04:56 > 0:04:58'and the killer drug Miranda,
0:04:58 > 0:05:02'which was as intoxicating and as addictive as his eyes and his chin.'
0:05:02 > 0:05:04The main thing about drugs, Mark,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07is the only way I can truly understand them
0:05:07 > 0:05:09is by having a little taste.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Oh, oh!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Holy...!
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Wow!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Oh, it kicks like a horse!
0:05:17 > 0:05:18- You shouldn't be doing that.- What?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20This is how I do it.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I need to get inside the head of a drug dealer.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24One go can kill you, you know.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Yeah, well, I'm a maverick.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30That's a little bump, that's just a little one.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32It's got in my head, though, that's nice.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- KNOCKING AT DOOR - Sleet?- Shit. That's the chief.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Listen, don't tell him I've had any drugs. Please, Mark.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- He'll sack me, Mark.- Sleet!- Yeah!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- Hey, Chief.- What the fuck are you doing in here - wanking?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45No, just doing some evidence work.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I'm getting a lot of heat from upstairs over this, yeah?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Children are dying on the streets because of this shit.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54How's the investigation going?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- It's going well. - SLEET YOWLS
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Good. I need an update.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00He... He needs a poo.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Meow!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Do you need to shit? - I'm a pretty pussy, Chief.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I'm sure you are, Sleet.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- Just hold it in for minute. - Just hold it in, will you?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10ODD VOICE: Yes, I will.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12What's going on in the case? I presume you've got some leads?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Yes.- No...- You do?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- Yes.- No.- Well, maybe you can tell me whether we're going to have...
0:06:18 > 0:06:24Guys, seriously, I'm getting a serious pain in my left bollock.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27My willy bum, my willy bum hurts.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Well, I don't care if your willy bum hurts!
0:06:30 > 0:06:31It's not funny, Sleet.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Chief, Chief, can I say something?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36No! Right, go on. What?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39STRAINING: I love you.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I love you.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Well, I appreciate that, but I don't think this is the time to tell me
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- that.- I love you.- I am getting my arse caned upstairs,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52so I need some answers here, fast.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Pretty boy. Pretty, pretty horsey boy.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57What a pretty bollo.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Bollo, bollo.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Is he on something?
0:07:01 > 0:07:02WEIRD VOICE: No...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Mark, I'm serious, have you given him something?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- No, I promise, so.- I'm blind!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I'm blind! I'm blind!
0:07:10 > 0:07:11I can't see.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Ah! Ah!
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Oh! It was just my ey...
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I closed them, I just closed them.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20That's what it was. I just closed them.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Sir, I promise, I've given him nothing. He needs a poo.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- Well, what's wrong with him? - You're a stupid giraffe!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29How dare you talk to me like that? How fucking dare you!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31And you? Two strikes, my friend.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Third strike and you're out.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35You'd better fucking solve this.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I haven't done anything, Sir, I just...
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- What?- First day on the job
0:07:39 > 0:07:41and you've done this and I've lost a strike!
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- I don't even know what happened then.- You shouldn't have took it. I told you not to take it.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49- You've never tried it before, you didn't know what it was going to do to you.- I literally blacked out.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54- What even happened then?- Sleet, I know you're my boss, but you're an idiot. I'm going home.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Mark, come on... Hey! It was just a bit of drugs.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02MACHINE BEEPS
0:08:03 > 0:08:05What do you want?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08What are you? Some kind of fucking bullet magnet?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09There's work to be done.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13I ain't going nowhere till my nipple grows back.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Bollocks. I've got a stack of murder cases building up like dog turds.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I need you.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Yes?- No.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I beg your pardon?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25I said no.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I'm done, Chief. I'm out.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I quit.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- What?- No, Successville has changed me, Chief.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36What the fuck are you talking about?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Nigella Lawson, sir.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I love her and she loves me.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, God... Erm...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Erm...
0:08:48 > 0:08:49The thing is, Sleet...
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Nigella doesn't love you.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55She doesn't even like you.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00She was using you as bait to catch the cop killer.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03She was just doing her job.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06NO! Take that back!
0:09:06 > 0:09:07We are soul mates.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I saw inside of her.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14And not in a sexual way, but through her eyes.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Into her heart. And she was good.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19She was pure.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22She's the only good thing I've ever known.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Well, where the fuck is she, then, eh?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Is she, um...
0:09:31 > 0:09:37outside talking to the doctors in hushed tones?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Yes? No!
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Is she sitting in the cafe
0:09:44 > 0:09:48writing you a little "get well soon" card
0:09:48 > 0:09:50and buying you grapes?
0:09:50 > 0:09:51No!
0:09:51 > 0:09:56You lying, bullying mosquito.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57I need you back, Sleet.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01You're the best cop I have.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I'm the only cop you have.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05That's beside the point.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Get out of my room.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Let me alone with my thoughts.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Get some rest.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16No. I don't want to.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Well, whatever.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29By heck, life is full of surprises.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Like the time I found out I had a son that I never knew I had.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36George Shelley came with me to meet him for the first time.
0:10:37 > 0:10:44SLEET "CLEARS HIS THROAT" REPEATEDLY
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Ooh.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Ergh, look at that, that's some cold weather.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Talking about the weather with my boy.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Me and my kid.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00The boy I never knew I had.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01I can't even remember his mother.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I can't.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I can't even remember!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Hey, boy! Hey, boy.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Hey, kid. So, you're little Bobby?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- My name's Joseph.- Not any more.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Joseph's a stupid name for stupid idiots.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Your name's Bobby now. Do with it what you will,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20but throw Joseph away.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22We're strong men, the Sleets.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Strong, good men.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27You got any questions about your heritage,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29about your lineage?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- No.- Really?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34You don't you want to know anything? Well, here's one for you.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Your dad's a pretty cool guy.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Good with his fists.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Handy in a bar fight.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Here's a fighting fact - if you're in a fight, bite.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Bite, don't be scared to bite or gouge eyes.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50You know, take a man's nose off if you need to.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Well, you...
0:11:54 > 0:11:55You probably should know this.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Been putting people in prison for as long as I can remember.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Shot some guys, too! Different parts of the body.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Took a guy's dick off once with a shotgun.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08You know, one time, I teabagged a crocodile.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Stuck my nuts right in his mouth.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Tell that to your friends at school.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13So...
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Can you give me a second?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19He might like you more than me.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Maybe if you sort of stay here and say how cool I am.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Yeah, OK, go take a breather and come back.- OK.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29Hey, I'm going to go for a walk I think - get the old legs walking.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Look what you dad's got. Smartphone. Take some pictures with this.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Do you have any questions about your dad?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I mean, I've known him for quite a long time now.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Pretty much the whole day, so I've heard some stories.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48There's one thing about a duck, and...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50"BOBBY'S" PHONE RINGS
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Do you want to answer it, or shall I?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55PC Shelley.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59No, he's just gone for a walk.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01It's, er...George.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Are you sure?
0:13:13 > 0:13:18Have you double-checked the results, cos this is going to be a blow to him.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19OK, thank you Doctor Friedman.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Cheers.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Thanks, bye.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Oh! HE CHUCKLES
0:13:29 > 0:13:31God, wow.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Look what I got! Guess who these balloons are for?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Guess who these balloons are for. The little one. Little lad.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Some balloons there for you. Hey, um...
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Look at these bottle rockets.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43You let these off somewhere cool.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Sleet, you should probably...
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Shut up, shut up. - It was your doctor.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Butterfly knife? You know a story about this?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Your great, great, great grandfather was on a pirate galleon.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55He slit a man's throat with this.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58You can still taste that guy's blood.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I like to think that if you were ever in a situation where you need to stab or kill a man,
0:14:02 > 0:14:03you'd use this family heirloom.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Sleet!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Hold it...and feel at one with it.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- It's a cool knife, huh?- Yeah, it's good. You had a phone call.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Hey, you ain't going to do no killing without a drink in you.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You get that in your gullet.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Take that, take a big shot of that for your dad.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- What is it? What did you have to say?- Your doctor phoned.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24He said he had your tests back and they messed them up.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26(He's not your son.)
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Well, this is all very...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Very awkward.- I'm sorry.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38It feels like a bit of a kick in the chest, if I'm honest with you.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40It's, um...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Let me say something.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47This is probably the best thing that ever happened to him. So...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Don't turn to crime, little man.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Please. A lot of orphans end up in the big house.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56And I don't want to get a call to a 7-11 one day...
0:14:57 > 0:15:00..and turn up with George here
0:15:00 > 0:15:02and see you holding it up,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05cos I'll put a bullet in you,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07and I don't want to have to do that, kid.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I don't want to have to kill you.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12So, Bobby... Actually, I'll take your name back.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Joseph - get a good job, get some qualifications, kid.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19I'll take these back cos it feels weird giving you gifts
0:15:19 > 0:15:21when we don't sort of know you.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24You're just a little boy in a park that we're plying with alcohol
0:15:24 > 0:15:25and lollipops.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Right. We'd better go, cos it's a bit weird.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Come on.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Evening, all.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Sleet...- I know you're there, Lowecroft.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I'm just choosing to ignore you.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13You know that I actually thought that being shot through the heart
0:16:13 > 0:16:15was going to be the crappiest point
0:16:15 > 0:16:16of this week but it turns out
0:16:16 > 0:16:20that you being here has made it plummet somewhat more.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Oh, right. Well...just wanted to see how you are.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Yeah, I'm great. Just been shot.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I bought you a present.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34I bought you a goldfish, but I spilt it in the car.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Great. A goldfish. That's exactly what I need.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40If he'd been here, that would mean
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I'd have had two brainless cretins to sit here staring at me.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Don't be like that.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Look, I just wanted to see if I could be any help.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52And how do you suppose you're going to help me, Lowecroft?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55You think what I really need right now, lying here,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57strapped up in a hospital bed, is a big, wet lettuce?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Right, well,
0:16:59 > 0:17:00shall I go?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Yeah, I don't like you being here, seeing me weak.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Wait.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Wait, Lowecroft.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09I haven't been very nice to you.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13In fact, I've been a bit of a dickhead.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14If I ever make it out of here...
0:17:15 > 0:17:19..it would be an honour to buy you a pint of lager.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20- Would it?- Yeah.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- I'd like that.- I'd like it, too.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It'd be nice. Maybe go to a pub garden somewhere and
0:17:27 > 0:17:30you could bring the one of your kids that's quite normal.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Darren?- Yeah, Darren.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35He's got glasses now, but he's still...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- He's a good kid.- Glad to see he's doing well.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Yeah, bring him along. - That'd be nice.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Run along, Sid. You're making me feel sad.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Run along, boy. See you, mate.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Yeah.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Yeah, hello? Is that security?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55It's DI Sleet up here.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56I've just seen a sex offender
0:17:56 > 0:18:00dressed as a policeman walk past my room and
0:18:00 > 0:18:03I'm a bit worried that he's heading to the children's ward.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Can you, er... Can you do something about it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Oh, he's got grey hair
0:18:08 > 0:18:10and he's dressed in a police uniform.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14He'll answer to the name of Lowecroft - Sid Lowecroft.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25'Holy Moley, I've had some scrapes over the years.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26'Like the time
0:18:26 > 0:18:29'when Kimberly Wyatt had to pretend to be my girlfriend,
0:18:29 > 0:18:33'that I'd made up to impress my nasty, evil, horrible brother.'
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I can't do a Peruvian accent.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Yeah, I mean, what do Peruvian people sound like?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38I don't know.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40No-one knows. That's the whole point.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Just literally...just sound foreign.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Oh, hello. Welcome to Bruno's.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- That's great.- It's not great!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Maybe roll your Rs as well.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I can't roll my Rs. Rrrr!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53That's good. That's good. Every now and again, just do that.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55That's what Latin Americans do.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Right.- Well...!
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Oh!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01If it isn't my baby brother!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Except you're not, are you?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06You're way older than me, even though I earn twice as much.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Yeah.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- Nice to see you.- Good to see you.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Good to see you, Neil.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Eurgh!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17My hand stinks of wee after I touched your hand.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It wouldn't... Why would it smell of wee?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- I wash my hands.- You've got wee on your hands, haven't you?
0:19:21 > 0:19:22I haven't got wee. Maybe I touched the table.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- You've got wee on your hands. - I haven't got...
0:19:25 > 0:19:26He's wee'd on his hands.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30This is...my beautiful new girlfriend.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- This is your girlfriend? - Yeah, this is her.- Hello.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Yeah, right.- Yeah, right, this is her.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- This is Alison. - Nice to meet you, Alison.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Nice to meet you, too.- Neil. This is my wife, Neil.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Hi, Alison.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Hello.- Lovely to meet you.- Rrr.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Alison is a...
0:19:47 > 0:19:50That's a beautiful accent you have there.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52It's a very strange...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Where is it from?- Oh, I'm from Peru.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Peru.- Yeah.- You don't have that...
0:19:58 > 0:19:59..Peruvian look about you.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02No? Maybe it's cos my hair is blonde.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- Yeah.- Where did you guys meet?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Oh...
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Well, we met out...
0:20:10 > 0:20:11- dancing.- Yep.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13We were at the nightclub
0:20:13 > 0:20:16and he was making me giggle and we decided...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Which nightclub?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19The Peruvian nightclub.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- There's only one nightclub in Peru?- No, no -
0:20:22 > 0:20:23this is the best nightclub in Peru
0:20:23 > 0:20:26so it's called the Peruvian Nightclub.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Well, congratulations, I guess.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Well done. She's...I mean, you are...
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Well, you should see some of the people he dated before.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- They...- They didn't exist.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38They did all exist.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39He's being very presumptuous.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Well, welcome to the family.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Well, since you asked, I'm doing fine, thank you, with my work.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Yeah, how is the police force?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Are you still climbing the ladder?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- Plodding along?- No, I'm pretty much at the top of the ladder, actually.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I'm chief of Murder Squad.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Alison, sadly, I can't tell you what I do.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Let's just put it this way, I'm a spy.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I work at MI5, so...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Dick.- What did you say?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Dickhead.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08So...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12How long have you two been together?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Well, actually it's a weird story there, actually.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Neil's our cousin, so sort of for a long time, really.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Sorry. Neil is not our cousin.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Well, she is.- We just have similar...
0:21:22 > 0:21:23- Family members.- Hair.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25And some similar family members.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27We have the same hairdresser.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- Salvicie.- Yes, and the same granny and grandad.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- So.- No, we're not the same...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Neil here, her parents are what we call in England
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- our uncle and auntie. - She's not my cousin.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40You're right, she's not your cousin, she's our cousin.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42She's neither of our cousins.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Um...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Oh, before I forget,
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Alison took the liberty of going to a shop and getting the kids a little
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- gift.- Well, I appreciate that.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I'll take it as a peace offering
0:21:56 > 0:21:59for the ears and hair content, and I'm sure Jacob will be very
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- impressed.- It's not just for Jacob.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03All the other kids can play with it.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05No, no problem at all.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Yeah, that's my girl.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Custom in Peru.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I'm a lucky guy. I'm really lucky guy to have a beautiful woman...
0:22:11 > 0:22:12- Sorry...- What?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14What's this?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Is this from the evidence room?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19No, it's... It probably...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It's a Peruvian custom.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- It's...- Is this cocaine?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It could be ketamine, it could be anything.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Alison, where did you get this teddy?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30What the hell is wrong with you?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Do you think this is a treat for our kiddies? - Guys, go easy on her now, please.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- You're going out with a drug dealer now?- She's not a drug dealer. It's a bit of coke.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Jesus, Alison, this is sick.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43- I don't know what you do in your country, but...- I think it's a bit strong to start being racist.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Druggy-wuggies, Alison...
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- This is disgusting! - You know what's disgusting? The fact you're having sex with your cousin.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Well, at least I'm having sex. - So am I! I've been in this, like,
0:22:52 > 0:22:53three times a week!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57..I think it would be a good idea for you guys...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Well, I'm sorry to leave what has been a lovely evening.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Well, I guess I'll see you in a couple of weeks or...
0:23:06 > 0:23:08No, you won't.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Come on, let's get out of here.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13MACHINE BEEPS
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Helen.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28What are you doing here? Pop by to make sure I'm dead?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I came to see if you were alive.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Is that the same thing? - I don't know.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36All I know is, I've been dead inside since the day you walked out on me.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Well, part of you's still alive, cos your little machine is beeping.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Yeah, well, it's paid to beep.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Everything has its price.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Some of us are paid in bullets, some of us are paid in big,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49fat divorce settlements.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I don't think £400 is a big, fat divorce settlement.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Anyway, I didn't come here to argue with you.- What did you do?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Pop by to tell me about how cool your life is?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00That your new fella's cooler than me and he's got a better car?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Actually, Pete's got four better cars than you.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06But you know me, I'm not interested in the size of a man's garage.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Just what the hell does that mean? - You know what it means.- It feels
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- like it means something it shouldn't mean.- Well, it does mean that.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Does it?- Yeah.- So that's what you're saying?- Yeah. It is what I'm saying.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Oh, good. Just so I get the message loud and clear.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Got it.- Yeah, well, you haven't hurt my feelings.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Good.- I'm not sad.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- You look sad.- I've used enough tears over you.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I wish I'd kicked you harder in the shin when I had the chance.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Oh, grow up, Desmond.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Maybe I can't.- Well, try.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Focus on it. All right?
0:24:34 > 0:24:38I heard you were in here and I thought I'd come down
0:24:38 > 0:24:40because ten years is a long time.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Well, it's actually been 11 years. - Has it? It's gone quick.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45It might've gone quick for you. That ain't my life.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48You could have made something of yourself, but you didn't believe in
0:24:48 > 0:24:50yourself, did you?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53No-one stopped you from becoming a dancer, did they?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56No-one stopped you from taking your paintings down to those lovely craft
0:24:56 > 0:25:01fairs, eh? Who chopped off your ponytail and made you take your bongos down to the charity shop?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04You did! You made those decisions because you didn't believe in yourself.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I hated the bongos!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Smelly, stupid idiots.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11You just wanted me to be something I'm not.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I wanted you to be happy.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Well, maybe I don't know how.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Maybe that wasn't my choice to make.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Anyway, things have changed.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25What the hell's that?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- It's Helen Bread. - You married Peter Bread?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29You married Peter Bread behind my back?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Well, not behind your back, cos you were in a tree, waving at the wedding.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- I saw you.- Well, I didn't...
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- How did you see me?- It was winter, there were no leaves on the tree.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Yeah, well, you know what?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40If I had Peter Bread's number,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I would phone him and tell him what a hell of a mess he's getting into.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Well, you're wrong.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48And Peter Bread is more of a man than you ever were.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51And he makes me feel like a real woman.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Maybe that's what you deserve.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59I haven't been much of an ex-husband to you.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- No.- Sorry for some of the stuff that I've done to you.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06I shouldn't have put that dead horse on your car.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- No.- I'm sorry about
0:26:08 > 0:26:12filling your flat full of ravens and scary toys.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14It was an outlandish thing to do.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19- It was creepy.- And my sincerest apologies for some of the graffiti that I wrote around town.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21It was horrible.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24You don't smell and you're not stupid.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- I'm not.- You haven't got a wooden fanny.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- No!- It wasn't fair of me to...
0:26:29 > 0:26:30- You have a lovely fanny.- Thanks.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32It's a credit to you.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35You know, um...
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I got to thinking the other day,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40some of the fun and games we had when we were young.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41I remember when we were 22,
0:26:41 > 0:26:44when we first went to the beach for the first time ever.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- The only time.- Yeah, but it was a hell of a day, right?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49It was all right.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I remember just kicking over that kid's sandcastle and you laughed.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55It was the most beautiful laugh I've ever seen.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Well, I was laughing out of embarrassment, to be honest.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00It was awkward, you kicking a kid's sandcastle over.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- Well, he deserved it.- He was four.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04He pushed in line for some ice cream!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06There's rules to this shit!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08This is the problem!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Is it?- Yes.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12You can't have a wife.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Really? I got a wife, goddammit.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17And maybe she ain't pretty,
0:27:17 > 0:27:21and maybe she ain't too nice and she don't smell too good.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Maybe she don't have a pair of fake Jimmy Choos, but you know what?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29She don't want me to be anybody I ain't.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32And she's loyal and she's always there.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36And her face is just a black shadow and she's made up of blood and guts
0:27:36 > 0:27:41and maggots and worms, and her voice is the screams of a million victims,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44and she stinks, goddammit.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46She stinks like death.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52My wife's murder, and I couldn't be without her if I tried.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57You can't just walk out.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01REALLY? Where have I heard THAT before?
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- Where will you go? - Where will I go?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07I'll go solve a crime.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09MUSIC: Money For Nothing by Dire Straits