0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07I'm Richard Osman. I'm becoming a cop
0:00:07 > 0:00:09and being thrown into a live murder mystery.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12I've got no script, no idea what's about to happen,
0:00:12 > 0:00:15so wish me luck as I try and solve a Murder In Successville.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26'Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29'Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law
0:00:29 > 0:00:33'and when they do, I'm here to bring them down.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34'I'm DI Sleet.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38'The book of law is the only book I've ever read.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40'Am I ashamed of that?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42'You bet your sweet ass I am.'
0:01:05 > 0:01:06What's that?
0:01:06 > 0:01:11Oh, just...just a little sketch of a perp that I shot last week, Chief.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Fuck me, look at the colouring in.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Well, actually, it was perfect until you startled me.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I breached the lines.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22So many issues flying around in here, Sleet.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- I've got you a new rookie. - Oh, great, that's all I need.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- Big boy!- Big boy?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Wow, you really are a big boy. - Well, he's not that big, sir.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- Oh, I think he is, Sleet. He's bigger than you.- No, he's not.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37This is DI Sleet, yes? He's our BEST detective,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40which is why we've got such a massive fucking crime rate.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Good luck.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- What's your name? - Er, my name is Richard Osman.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45It's very nice to meet you.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Sir.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- It's my pleasure. - Oh, is it?- Oh, yes, sir.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- I'll be the judge of that.- OK.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Well, you won't be the judge of my pleasure.- What?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I said it's my pleasure.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I'll be the judge of any pleasure that goes on in this room!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- OK.- I will pleasure you if I like.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03OK. Yeah, of course. Hey, listen. First day.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- I...- Whatever you want. - I know, I know what I've got here.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- Go on.- You're a Positive Pete.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Oh, you think?- Everything's great and sunny in your world, isn't it?
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- Do you know what?- Do you know what Positive Pete's about to do?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Sit his ass on that chair and get some frigging filing done!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Great.- You nasty little boy.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You know what this is?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- A siren?- Well done.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- You're growing on me.- Thanks.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34Now, I've been talking to some of the pig wigs over at IT.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35- Pig wigs?- Yeah.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- IT boffs.- Not big wigs?- What?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- No, pig wigs.- Pig wigs.- Pig wigs. - Oh, yeah, yeah.- Brainy, brain dumps.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Brain dumps. OK, yeah.- Brain heads. - IT.- Yeah, IT.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- Not big wigs, pig wigs. - Pig wigs, not big wigs.- Yeah.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- What are you going on about? - Nothing, it's fine. Pig wigs.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Pig wigs. - What are the pig wigs saying?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Well, I've been saying that I don't think the siren sound
0:02:57 > 0:02:59is doing me justice.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01No-one's scared of a siren. So I've got an idea.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I want you to come up with your own siren.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- OK.- OK.- Are you ready?- Yeah.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Don't worry, the police are not on their way.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Continue robbing what you're robbing.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- How dare you, Osman?- No, but... - How dare you?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16How very dare you? What the hell was that?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18"Don't worry"? You should be worried.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- We're the police.- But listen, let's say I'm a burglar.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23What do you do if you hear, "Don't worry,
0:03:23 > 0:03:24"the police are not on their way,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- "you can continue robbing the warehouse"?- Well, I'd probably go...
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- Keep robbing.- Keep robbing, so we turn up and what happens?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- We arrest them.- You know, you'd get what you want.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Look, we're big guys. It's hard for us...
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Yeah, all right, fair enough, Osman. It's a good idea!- Thank you.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- But it's not... - Go back to your desk.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Get that filing done at once. - Of course, sir.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I don't know what you are, a rookie or a secretary.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Right, you two, listen up, yes?
0:03:54 > 0:03:59There is a massive art heist about to take place tonight.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Yes, we have a tip-off that somebody's going to try and steal
0:04:01 > 0:04:05the Brass Gnome. I need you two to get down there
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and be on guard duty ASAP.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09The curator, Bjork, is waiting for you.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Just so I know, Chief, where are we heading?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Well, Sleet, it's an art heist, yes?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16We're talking about a priceless work of art.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Where do you think it might be taking place, yeah?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Hurry up.- (Art gallery.) - Yes, I know an art gallery
0:04:22 > 0:04:24but I was trying to make you look good in front of the chief.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Yeah, I should've... I should've said art gallery.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Well, you made us both look stupid.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31My God! Out the way, Ben.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Right, come on, you.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Are you ready to rage down a terror
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- and go and look after a brass gnome for the night?- Born ready.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Then let's go solve a crime. - Let's do it.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50There it is. The Brass Gnome.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Bing bong, I'm Bjork, the sparkling pixie dream child.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02My, my, my, aren't you both very tall,
0:05:02 > 0:05:06like two big mountain ranges crossed with two big doggies?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Well, I can assure you, we are neither mountain ranges
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- nor big dogs.- Oh, yes,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I'm very, very pleased you two big Bills are here
0:05:13 > 0:05:17because I'm very, very, very scared.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20The heist tip-off has given me the willies in my stomach
0:05:20 > 0:05:22and it's sparkling and prickling with fear.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- I understand.- These pieces are like my children.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I'm guessing that you probably don't have any actual children.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30They have their own brains and their own minds.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- Well, they don't, really. - But some art does.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- What?- Some art is living. - Yes, all art is living.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Please, if anything happened to my children, I don't...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- I would melt!- Look what you've done now, Osman.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Look what you've done!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Oh, bing-bong.- OK! - Idea light bulb.- Excellent.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Maybe one of us should check the windows and doors
0:05:49 > 0:05:50to make sure everything is safe.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Yes, I think someone should go and check on the doors and windows.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Someone, maybe someone big and tall.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Or maybe someone who is small and annoying,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00who knows the layout of the museum.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I'm going to fly away now and make myself very, very small.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Bing-bong.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09What a strange little bug. Take a seat, Osman.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- There's no point standing.- I will.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Well, guv.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- Yep.- You know, here we are.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Who do you imagine's going to steal it?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Oh, I don't know. It could be anyone.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23It's almost impossible to steal that...
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Oh, right, you know what's really impossible?- Yeah.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Getting you not to be annoying
0:06:28 > 0:06:30and talk all the time.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32There is some truth in that, yeah.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37What the hell? Damn it, Richard!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- Oh, no.- Right, Jesus creepers.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Osman?- Yes.- I've got a torch.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Christ Almighty, Osman, you have very soft hands.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Your remind me of my old art teacher, Clive.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48ALARM BLARES
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Damn it, they've got the gnome!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Damn it!
0:06:53 > 0:06:54BJORK CRIES
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Oh, God, this is what we need, a great big attention-seeker(!)
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Oh, Richard, cradle me!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- It's OK.- Cradle me. - It's OK.- Cradle me.- It's OK.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08I'm dying. Richard, out of nowhere, a masked figure...
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- A masked figure.- ..all in black came and bludgeoned me
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- with the Brass Gnome. - With the Brass Gnome?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- I think my neck is broken.- Oh, no.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20The only thing I could tell...
0:07:20 > 0:07:24through his mask, I could smell his breath.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- OK.- And it smelled of cured meat.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- Cured meat?- That's a clue. - What kind of cured meat?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Think, sweet girl, think.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Oh... I don't know.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Was it...? Was it a chorizo?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Oh, that's a good question.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42It was something more herby, Italian.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- Oh, like a merguez or something. - Spanish, maybe.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Well, yeah, I mean, I've got to be honest with you...- Can you let...?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Merguez is lovely. I tell you what,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50you want bangers and mash with merguez.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Oh, really?- Oh, now you're talking. - That's like fusion cooking...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Yeah.- ..where you take two different continents...
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Yes, fusion cooking.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58- She's passed.- Yeah.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- That's a shame, isn't it? - Put her to the floor.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- There you go.- Let her die in peace.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Night-night, sweet angel.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Oh, there lies Bjork.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Bless her poor, stabbed heart.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12We've got a murderer and an art thief on the loose.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- Yeah.- Let's go rein him in, boy.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Look at this, footprints.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Oh, yeah, look, yeah, bloody footprints, right?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- Everyone can tell that's paint. - Oh, right.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27'What kind of douche bag would kill for art?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29'Three names jumped to mind.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33'First, Hillary Clinton, ex-art forger, now a teacher,
0:08:33 > 0:08:37'and if there's one thing I hate more than forgery, it's learning.'
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Welcome. Thank you. Thank you. Hello, new face there, hello.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Hi, nice to meet you.- Welcome. Thank you so much for coming.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Thank you. Thank you, all.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Thank you, all, for coming to Hillary's art class.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51People often say to me, "Hillary, what is art?
0:08:51 > 0:08:52"What is good art?"
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- And I say, "It's what- I- say is good art,"
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- because- I- am the art teacher
0:08:58 > 0:09:02and, in this classroom, I decide who wins.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Me, I decide.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06And I say if you're good or you're bad, OK?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Now, I see we have a new face here.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Hello, sir, what's your name?- Hello.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Er, Ricardo.- Ricardo?- Yeah.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Dick? Can I call you Dick? - You... Of course you can.- Dicardo?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- Call me Dicardo if you wish. - Dickstick?- Dickstick.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- Dickstick's nice.- Dick-dick-dick. - Er, not that.- OK.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- Everything else, though, is good.- Wonderful.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24So we have a little bit of sad news for you today.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Our usual model, my husband Bill, is not here.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31No, he's got norovirus so he can't do his job.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33That's Bill.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38So I got in touch with an agency and I have found a replacement model.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41So please welcome our model for this afternoon, here he is,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45he's very experienced, he's done this a lot of times before.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Here he is. Wonderful.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Oh! It is a real honour, sir. - The...- What a pleasure.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- The honour is all mine.- Oh!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Well, that's patronising.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56OK. Lovely.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I always try to be patronising.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00So, thank you. Thank you for coming.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Thank you for agreeing to put pen to paper.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06OK. And so you know all the classical poses, then?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Would you like me to go with the Sleepy Tortoise?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- What...?- Or the Naughty But Nice, or Mine's A Hot Dog?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Could we see some of those? - Let Me Eat All The Chips.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Oh.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Yep. OK.- Erm...- Anything else?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- Vinny's Home.- How would that look?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24OK, so, Dick, do you have a position you'd like?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- A favourite pose?- Anything.- The Naughty But Nice sounded intriguing.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- What does that look like? Let's see. - Oh, hmm.- It's not for me.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32That's similar to Vinny's Home, isn't it?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Do you have another...?- Well, it's nothing like Vinny's Home, Ricardo.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38OK, how about Meerkat In Fright?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Meerkat In Fright, it's a common one.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- That's...- No, Dick, you not liking it?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Oh, no, I just... I...
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I didn't believe it was a meerkat.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Didn't you, Rick? Ricardo? Your new name, Ricardo.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Yeah.- What do you think, Dick? I'm not...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55He looks more like a constipated baboon.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Yeah.- Which is not... That's not...
0:10:58 > 0:11:00If I knew you, and I was...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- in charge of you...- Yeah. - ..in some way,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I'd say, "You foolish, nasty man, don't forget your place."
0:11:07 > 0:11:09OK, let's see Meerkat In Fright, let's hold the pose.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Everyone get ready, we've got our charcoals ready.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14OK, and would you like the grand unveiling?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Shall I take this off?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Well, you can just get yourself ready.- OK.- There we go.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19There's some charcoal, there, if you want.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Oh, charcoal.- Or chalk, whatever you want.- Everybody ready?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23OK, let's...
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Oh...
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- That is... I thought I'd seen it all.- Hmm.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- Time to drop these too. - Sorry, what? No, what's happening?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Drop these too. - No, why are you doing that?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34- That's...- Well, it's a nude class.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Everyone's come here to see the meat and the veg and everything.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- It feels like...- Well, maybe we've had our...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Maybe we're full. We don't need pudding.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Well, I'd feel a little short-changed
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- if I came to a nude class... - You know what? Keep the change.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- I'd feel a little short-changed. - No, no, no, let's keep the change.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Well, exactly. I mean, if you'd like to see my penis...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- I would love to see it. - They have to...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I cannot begin to tell you how much I'd like to see it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Well, Dick, perhaps you could see it at a separate time.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58But for me, I want to keep my lunch down, you know?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Once I've got the trailer, I don't need to see the movie.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- That's how it goes.- How so, so, very charming. But I mean,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07the thing is, you would not wear your shoes up in the shower.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08I would at your house.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I don't have a house, so the joke's on you.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- I live in a car. - That does not surprise me.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Oh, really?- No.- It feels a little indignifying
0:12:15 > 0:12:17that I'm begging to pull my penis out in front of people.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19It is. To be honest, it's very...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- I am embarrassed for you right now. - OK, well...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- But...- And this pose you want is this one?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Bit more arching the back. Little more in the knees.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- OK.- Lovely. There's some excellent work here, class.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Really lovely. Wonderful, Dick. That's actually very good.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Dick is actually really good at this.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- Sometimes...- Genuinely really, really good at this.- Really?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- It's the model that makes it, usually.- Mmm, that's true.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- I think he's terrific. - That's true. Keep going, Dick.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I love it. I really love what Dick is doing.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45The heat in here - it's freezing.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I feel that my...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50my penis isn't giving a good account of himself.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Well, our classes don't raise a lot of money,
0:12:52 > 0:12:53so my overheads are very expensive.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Yeah, that's not my problem... - We can't have the heating on.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57I'm here doing my best.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Maybe if I was to get one of the class to blow upon my penis?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Well, I... My regulars would not do that.- Well, maybe Ricardo?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I don't know how Dick feels about that?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I would... It would genuinely be an honour.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Yes, well, come hither.- OK, Dick. - Come hither to blow upon my penis.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14OK, guys. Maybe you can start, start your sketching.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Ricardo, who do you think you are?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Get down upon your knees and blow on my penis.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Well, Dick's done this before. He went straight down.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Dick, give it a little blow. - Dick didn't need any asking.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Right, look up at me.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Blow.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Blow. Just make it look normal.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33That's nice. Listen, you need to get a look in that handbag.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Yeah.- All right?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37That's nice, actually. Well done.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39This is the first good bit of police work you've done.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- OK?- Yeah.- All right.- Yeah.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44What's in there? Tell me everything that's in there.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- There's a purse.- Go through it, see if there's any loose change.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Any cash?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Yeah, there's some cash.- How much?
0:13:50 > 0:13:51- Like about 8p.- Give it here.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- That'll go in here.- That's nice.
0:13:54 > 0:13:578p, she must be broke.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- What else is in there? - There's a few receipts.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00For what?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02A delicatessen.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03- What?!- Shh!
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Oh, sorry.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Dick? Dick! Are you going in my handbag?
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Er, I don't think so.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Excuse me, Dick, a woman's handbag is like her vagina.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You've got to get consent before you get in there.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I think Dick here had got himself a taste for penis blowing.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- I have heard some bullshit in this class.- Well, yes...
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- But that is the worst thing. - ..that's cos you're married to Bill.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Two tall gentleman obviously in love with each other who get off...
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- We are not in love with each other. - That is ridiculous.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32..who clearly get off on people watching them have sex.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Now, that's not the kind of class I'm running here.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- That is disgusting.- That's a bit much.- I think it's disgusting.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- I have never been so offended... - I want you both out of here.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Well, I was going to leave anyway.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44You are a scandal to the modelling profession,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- and I will be reporting you. - How very... How dare you!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48How dare you! Both of you.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Dick, I trusted you, and you had good talent here.- Thank you.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Well, I shall tell everyone here something.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Screw up your papers for whence you have me naked.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Ricardo, follow me.- Get out of here! - I shall get changed in my car.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Both of you, get out!
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Everybody, go! They've ruined the art class. Go, go, go!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06How can we draw when people don't take it seriously?
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Nobody plays by the rules any more!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12'School was out and Osman was about to learn
0:15:12 > 0:15:16'there was more to police work than painting pretty pictures.'
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- 'SIREN:- Don't worry, the police are not on their way.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21'Continue robbing what you're robbing.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23'Don't worry, the police are not on their way.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25'Continue robbing what you're robbing.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27'Don't worry, the police are not on their way.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29'Continue robbing what you're robbing.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31'Don't worry, the police are not on their way.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33'Continue robbing what you're robbing.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35'Don't worry, the police are not on their way.'
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Happy with your handiwork? - Yeah, I'm really happy.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Really, are you? I think we sound ridiculous.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- We look like a pair of nerds. - It doesn't matter what we look like,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44it matters what we do. 'Continue rob...'
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- SLEET SWITCHES SIREN OFF You know something?- What?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I don't want to shout at you, Osman, because you're a nice kid.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Thank you.- But listen.- Yeah?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54This guy could kill us both, take us both down.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Zayn Malik?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57He's up there. Let's do it.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00If we've got to lock horns with Malik,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02you're going to need some firepower.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Well, well, well. Look what we've got here.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Looks like we've found the cat's cradle.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- What do you mean?- Well, this is his hideout. His lair.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20- Oh, because he's a cat burglar? - Put your gun away.- OK.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22SLEET WHISTLES
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Here, kitty, kitty. Malik.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- Hello, lads.- Well, well, well.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Look at you, you silly pussy.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Is that...? Are you saying I'm like a cat?
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- Yeah...- I'm not a cat. I'm a lovely little lad, mate.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I'm not making pig jokes, am I?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40You make pig jokes, I'll run up there and kick your ass.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42That seems like an overreaction, man.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Well, it's not an overreaction.- Yes.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Requires a lot of effort on your part.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49And I can tell you now, that no pigs can talk, as far as I know.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52It's bad for morale if people make jokes about us being pigs.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54What are you po-po doing at my yard, then?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I was busy running around, having a fabulous laugh.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your running around
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- and having a fabulous laugh.- Yeah. - But we're here about a double crime.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- Oh, God.- Fill him in with the details.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09Erm, the, er, the Brass Gnome, you know the Brass Gnome?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Er, yeah, vaguely.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Has been stolen.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Do you know anything about that? - I'm sorry, Malik.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Can I have a second?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Even though he's a suspect in a crime,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21you've got to make it a little bit more fiery and sexy, like this.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- OK, OK.- Just follow my lead and learn.- All right.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Malik, the Brass Gnome has gone missing
0:17:26 > 0:17:29and Bjork has been killed so we're after a thief.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Yeah.- And...
0:17:32 > 0:17:34And you are a thief, famously.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36No, you're after a thief... We're after a thief and...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Also...- A murderer.- ..a murderer.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Well, thank you both from the bottom of my life
0:17:43 > 0:17:49for thinking I might be capable of such a wonderful crime.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51But, no, I don't know anything about that.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56I've gone straight ever since I left my old gang.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Don't... Best decision I ever made.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Don't miss them. I don't...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I do not miss them.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Who wants that?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07No, I'm all about the honeys these days, man.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Woo! I've got girls frequently approaching me in the street,
0:18:11 > 0:18:16saying, "Congrats on looking goo...nice."
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- What, people actually say that? - Yeah.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I've got pussy coming from out of my arse.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- That's not even a thing! - It's just an expression.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I like to go down the bars and things and overhear what lads...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Well, maybe you like to go down the bars,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32maybe you like to go down the art galleries and do some stealing.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33- No, the bars.- No!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37And then I like to overhear, like, conversations between lads
0:18:37 > 0:18:40in order to try and mimic them, sound cool in my own right.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Oh, so you're also a little peeping ear tom?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Yeah.- Like a sneaky little ear thief.- Ear tom.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- You listen to them.- Well, it's nice to pick up phrases.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Here's a phrase for you, here's one. - Living for the weekend, perhaps?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- That's a good phrase.- No, it's not.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58Sort of suggesting you're excited to get out of work on Friday.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- Just chill out for once. - Our work never stops, does it, guv?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Exactly, Osman. For once, you've said something sensible...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Thank you.- ..and not stupid and benile.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- Benile?- What? - Nothing, doesn't matter.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Listen here.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12We're here about a gnome that's gone missing.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- Yeah.- A brass gnome. - Right, I didn't steal the gnome.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- Really?- I didn't!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20But, you know, I might have some information I can give you
0:19:20 > 0:19:23if you can go down the police station and pull a few...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25pull a few strings, which is another phrase I've come across.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28This is more like it, Malik. You give me a little biscuit,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- I'll give you a crumb. - But I've got this...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I just need to get this taken off my leg.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34I've got a curfew, innit?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I've got to be home by like 10pm every night until the morning.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40You know, I'm rolling in the honeys these days
0:19:40 > 0:19:43and I want to try and take them back here sometime!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- You listen here and you listen good.- All right.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I'm going to bring justice down on you.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- I'm going to bring justice, that's good.- Don't repeat.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53RICHARD LAUGHS
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I'm going to make sure that every day for the rest of your life...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- Can you get me a pen and paper? - Don't you dare.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I thought you were just telling me some good sayings.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03No, I'm...
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I want to be able to pick up sort of cool things to say like that so...
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- I'm intimidating you, Malik, you nasty little creep.- You...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- This is...- OK.- This is not good. I feel ridiculous!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- That was mammoth. - I'm going! I'm done.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17'Next up, art dealer Arsene Wenger
0:20:17 > 0:20:22'and, like a disorientated starling, Osman was about to fly solo.'
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You're going into an arty-farty party.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30- OK.- I need you...- OK.- ..to pretend that you're Sebastian Crab.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31- OK.- This piece of crap.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- Mmph-mmph!- Shut up, Crab!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Or you'll have another mouthful of teeth!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Another mouthful of teeth? What...?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Listen, you pick up on every little thing.- No, I'm just...
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- I'm halfway through...- It's because I want to learn, you know that.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45If you want to learn, let me teach you.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- That's what I'm trying...- Every time I'm trying to tell you something,
0:20:48 > 0:20:52you go into the small "minutia" of something that doesn't even matter.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Minutiae?- What?! - No, you're right. But listen...
0:20:55 > 0:20:58This isn't a grammar rodeo, this is a police investigation!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00For the first time in my life, I'm up against it,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02and guess what I've got in my pocket?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04You! Yeah? Honestly...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Can I ask you one question? - Do you know if you can...?
0:21:06 > 0:21:07- Can I ask you one question?- Yes.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Is there such a thing as a grammar rodeo,
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- because I would be interested? - Shh. Shh. Right?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- You ready?- Yep.- This button camera will be able to see everything
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- that goes on in that room. - Yep.- You are Sebastian Crab.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- I urge you to take this... - Mmph-mmph!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Shut up, Crab! - He likes his name, doesn't he?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- What?- When you say his name, that's what he does.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- Yeah, he's been told to do that. He's a limited actor.- Yeah.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Would he do it if I said it? - I don't know. Try it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Hello, my name is Sebastian Crab. - Mmph!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Yeah, he does.- Oh, yeah. - I mean, to be fair,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40he's actually doing what he's been told to do.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Right. Listen.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- When you go in that room...- Yep?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47..I need you to tell everyone that you're Sebastian Crab.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Mmph-mmph!- Yeah, there we go.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- This was only meant to be a two-minute segment.- Yeah.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57THEY SNIGGER
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Right...- Yep.- Osman, final thing.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Ah, now you're talking.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Right, does that go past...?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- No.- That's not going to fit at all.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- How about that?- Ready?- Yeah. - Good luck.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Good work.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37OK, Osman is in. He is in the party.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Mmph! Mmph!- Shut up, you infernal racket!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Oh, I see you are very interested in this piece, yes?
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Am I Arsene Wenger?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Yes. Is this Craig? Of course.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- CRAIG GIGGLES - Thank you, Craig.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55And you must be...?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57My name is Sebastian Crab.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Sebastian Crab? You are Sebastian Crab?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Same Sebastian Crab.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Mr Wenger, it's a pleasure to meet you.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06It's a pleasure, of course. Look, it's very nice to meet you.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Craig, lovely to meet you too.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I can tell by the look on his face, he's very excited to see you.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Seems happy. I'm happy he's happy, huh?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Is this a huge honour for me to meet you? Yes.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Would I like to buy this piece? Yes.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Would it make an excellent centrepiece for my gallery?
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Of course.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27Especially now that my only rival has lost their...gnome.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- Mmm.- Am I sad about this?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32No. Is my gallery now the best?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- Yes.- I heard that she died.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I have one more question for you, Sebastian Crab.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Please, ask me anything.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Have you ever had facial surgery?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50This is not good, this is not good at all.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Mmph! Mmph!- Shh, shh. Would you be quiet?!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- I'm trying to concentrate!- Mmph! - Well, right, that's it!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Oh, dang it! Oh, dang it! Would you shut up?!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- You haven't even got any tape on your mouth.- Mmph!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Can't you speak?- Mmph!
0:24:03 > 0:24:04You weirdo.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- Craig, frisk him.- Hey!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Wenger! Leave my partner alone.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Oh, look, it's DI Sleet.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15This party just got way less cool.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Really?
0:24:17 > 0:24:22Or did it just get even more cool, you French freaky pervert?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24What do you want, Sleet? Me and Craig are very excited
0:24:24 > 0:24:28and we are trying to celebrate the opening of our new gallery.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I'm here to ask a few questions, you French pervert,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33like where were you last night?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Last night? I was here all night,
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I was preparing this party with Craig.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40It was just me and Craig all night.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41- Really?- Yes, we had to paint the floor,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44hang the lights and I had to make all the vol-au-vents from scratch
0:24:44 > 0:24:46because me and Craig are vegan...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Listen here, you think you're better than everyone else in this town,
0:24:49 > 0:24:54sitting up here with your freaky friends and your stupid jumper.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56It's a rollneck, Sleet. It's better than neck rolls.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Right, you wank stain.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Wenger, look at me, you wank stain.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- Right, wank stain... - Sleet, what the hell is this?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06You come to my party, I expect at least a decent insult.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- It was rubbish.- These two are like an annoying couple
0:25:08 > 0:25:10you meet on holiday and then you wish you didn't meet them.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12See, that's a good insult, but say it to them!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14You two are like an annoying couple you meet on holiday,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17probably in France, and then you don't want to see them again.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Yeah. I heard it the first time you told him.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Yeah, I know, but he's not got much confidence when it comes to insults.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24You two, you look like two giraffes that have been shaven
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- and put in stupid clothes. - CRAIG GIGGLES
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- Craig really likes that one. - What? Because we're tall,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31you French freak? You tiny French freak.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- Oh, this is more like it!- Yeah? - Yeah!- You tiny little French freak.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36What's the weather like down there, you freak?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- That's it! All this anger! - You're a joke, Sleet.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Get out of my party.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Me and my gender-fluid fuck buddies are about to hit the strobe lights
0:25:43 > 0:25:46and get nasty in the greased-up paddling pool of sexual abandon,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50and you, you disgrace, are killing the vibe.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Come on, Richard. Let's get out of here.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56'Time was up. I had a tip-off all the suspects were meeting
0:25:56 > 0:25:58'at a secret auction run by Bill Nighy.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00'But how will we sneak in?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02'This was to be my most elaborate bust yet.'
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Hello, everyone.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Let's get this illegal underground auction under way,
0:26:08 > 0:26:10cos it stinks down here.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Right, then. Let's start with these.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17Ladies and gentlemen, we have here a pair of marble busts.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22Lots of humour. One is beautiful, noble and princely.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26The other is a sort of grotesque hideous buffalo man.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I mean, that's hard, for him to call you a buffalo man.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- How do you feel about that? - Listen, I mean, it's...
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Yeah, let's say that's me.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Like a before-and-after of some hideous disease.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Whether he is talking about me or you,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I am not going to accept this kind of derogatory...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44It's very offensive.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Maybe the artist had a stroke after the first one
0:26:48 > 0:26:49and soldiered on with the other one.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Hold up for one second!
0:26:51 > 0:26:55I will not take that kind of insult about me or this buffalo man!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Christ, it's Sleet! The filth are in the sewers!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Everyone scarper!
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Quick, take the shot!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Take the shot, man!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Hillary Clinton!
0:27:09 > 0:27:13- Fuck me ragged!- Great shot!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Who did this?!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Richard Osmond.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Yeah? Why did you shoot Hillary Clinton?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Well, I thought that it couldn't be Zayn Malik
0:27:22 > 0:27:24because he had the ankle tag
0:27:24 > 0:27:28and when we were in the gallery it was, I think, 22:20, 22:30,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31something like that, so he couldn't have been there.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I thought it couldn't be Arsene Wenger
0:27:33 > 0:27:35because when he was talking about his vol-au-vents,
0:27:35 > 0:27:36he said he was a vegan,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40- and Bjork smelt cured meats...- Yeah. - ..on the breath of the killer.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42So it could only be Hillary.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44If your hypothesis is correct...
0:27:44 > 0:27:49- I hope so.- ..when we open that box, the Brass Gnome should be inside.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Oh, OK.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- Well done, Osman, you beautiful beast!- Wow.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01- Oh, I'm so proud of you, I really am.- Woop-woop!- Don't you dare.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03- Yeah.- Well done.- Thank you. Thank you, sir.- Bravo.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I'm very glad I paired you up with him.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Of course it was Hillary.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Why? It couldn't have been Arsene Wenger.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11I had to make all the vol-au-vents from scratch,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13because me and Craig are vegans, you know?
0:28:13 > 0:28:16It couldn't have been Malik, because the murder took place
0:28:16 > 0:28:18after 10pm and Malik had a curfew. Yes.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I've got to be home by, like, 10pm.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22It was Hillary Clinton.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25You obviously saw the deli receipts in her bag.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27- There's a few receipts.- For what?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29A delicatessen.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33And you also obviously noted the red footprint
0:28:33 > 0:28:37which was the same as the red paint in her gallery.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- There was red paint.- Bravo, Osman. I'm proud of you.- Thank you, Chief.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Not only that, but you've saved a priceless work of art.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Well, you say priceless but actually, sir,
0:28:46 > 0:28:48I think you'll find it's actually worth quite a lot of money.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Oh, go home, you massive polyp!
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Hey, you fancy a drink?
0:28:55 > 0:28:56Oh, I'd love a pint with you.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Do you talk more or less when you're drunk?
0:28:58 > 0:29:00I talk a lot more.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Well, let's make it a pint of lemonade.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04THEY LAUGH
0:29:04 > 0:29:07# We don't have to take our clothes off
0:29:07 > 0:29:09# To have a good time
0:29:09 > 0:29:11# Oh, no
0:29:11 > 0:29:13- # We could dance and party - All night
0:29:13 > 0:29:15- # All night - We can dance all night
0:29:15 > 0:29:18# And drink some cherry wine, uh-huh
0:29:18 > 0:29:22# We don't have to take our clothes off
0:29:22 > 0:29:23# No, no, no
0:29:23 > 0:29:25# To have a good time
0:29:25 > 0:29:27# Oh, no... #