0:00:05 > 0:00:06Hello. I'm Martin Kemp,
0:00:06 > 0:00:09but today I'm becoming a cop in a live murder mystery.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Now, I haven't got a clue what's going on here.
0:00:12 > 0:00:13No script, nothing.
0:00:13 > 0:00:19All I know is I'm about to solve the very first murder in Successville.
0:00:20 > 0:00:21Wish me luck.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Welcome to Ye Olde Successville -
0:00:26 > 0:00:29a bustling hamlet full of celebrities.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Alas, sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36and when they do, I'm here to muster justice,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40for I am Ian Desmond Sleet, a lowly mutton shunter.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Come plague, fire and death, I will rain down justice upon thee
0:00:44 > 0:00:46like a giant cloud of good.
0:00:46 > 0:00:54This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- Chief.- Where the Dickens have you been, you nincompoop?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I sent for you hours ago.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Well, Chief, I decided to spend some of the guineas that I earned
0:01:02 > 0:01:06down at the mackerel track on some new threads and a penny-farthing.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Sleet, there's been a horrific crime, I'm afraid.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Goddammit, what's happened?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Has a young boy been caught scrumping apples?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17A fair maiden has had a snuffbox removed,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21or maybe a gentleman has had his neckerchief half-inched?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- I'm afraid it's a lot worse than that.- What could be worse than that?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27There's been a murder, Sleet.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- A murder?- Yes.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- In Successville?- Indeed.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- Our first one.- Yeah.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36My God, the moment we've been waiting for.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39You ghoul. I haven't been waiting for it.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Well, I just...- It's a dolly mop.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- What?- It's Victorian slang for a prostitute.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47See also, rantipole and dirty puzzle.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Right, OK. - She's been butchered by a fiend.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Damn it, Goddammit. - I've already set things up for you.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Rookie!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59What the hell? What are you kidding? Look at this guy.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- This is your assistant, Sleet. How are you doing?- I'm good.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- You're looking good.- He does look too good, actually, for this time.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Listen, I'm putting you two together.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Yes? You're going to be working foot by mouth, and cheek by jowl,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14out on those streets, yes? Umble-cum-stumble.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- Right, got it. - What does that even mean?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17It's Victorian slang, you dickhead.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20What did you say your name was?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Martin. Martin Kemp.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25All right. We have got a crime to solve, Kemp.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Let's do it, then. I'm ready.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Then let's go solve a crime. - Let's do it.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Kemp, walk behind me.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Don't try and walk faster than me.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I'm the fastest.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39All right. Let's see what we've got here.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- Oh, dear.- Pull the thing back.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Oh! Rita!- Do you know her?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50No, no, I can just imagine that probably her name is Rita.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I mean, that's the sort of name the prostitutes have, right?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- You've met her before?- No, I've seen her around a few times.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57I'm going to take a few notes here.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59What do you mean you're taking notes?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Well, I'm just taking a few notes.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03You don't take... You take notes about the body, you don't...
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- I am, that's what I'm doing.- All right, good. You made me feel all...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- like you were casting... - How long have you known her?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10What? Don't ask!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Look, I actually admire the fact you're asking questions, Kemp.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15But I'm not a suspect.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Right. Let's have a look for clues, then.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19What is that by her head there, that red thing?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Let's have a look. What have we got here?- What is that?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26We've got a handkerchief.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29That looks like it might have chloroform on it. Give it a sniff.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31What are you doing, you idiot?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34That's a test. Of course you don't sniff a chloroformed handkerchief,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37you fool, you buffoon! You jeffsy!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Get up to your feet at once.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Oh, look who it is.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Finally, someone who talks sensible.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45My old buddy, Connor McGregor.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Hey, McGregor. How are you doing?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Put it there. - I'll not be touching that.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Now, what are you two chancers doing here on my crime scene tainting it?
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- What was your name? - My name's Connor McGregor.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I'm the greatest pathologist pound-for-pound on this planet.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Well, that's actually quite... - How do you spell McGregor?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06What? He's a pathologist.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07He's not a suspect.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Is this guy for real?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10He's just making some notes.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Sorry, who are you, again?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Des Sleet. I work for Successville... I'm a police officer at Successville...
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- You've known me for years! - I found this!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19What have we got there, Marty?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Let's have a look.- OK, what's this?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- "You betrayed me." - "You betrayed me."
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- What's that, Martin?- "To-do list."
0:04:27 > 0:04:29She's going to hand in her notice as a wench,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32and she wants to do Will.i.am...
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- HE LAUGHS - Ross!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Martin, hold it together, mate. - Do you think this is funny?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- No, he's just...- This prostitute's had her heart ripped out.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Oh, has she? So she's definitely dead.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I'd take time of death sometime between nine and 10pm last night.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Martin, this is actually the clues and this is the only time
0:04:50 > 0:04:52you've not been scribbling anything in your notebook.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- No, you hold on to that.- What do you mean, you hold on to that?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- I'm distracted! - Make a note of that, Kemp.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- All right, presumed dead. - Not presumed dead - dead.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- All right...- She's had her fucking heart ripped out.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05All right, I don't know if that's going to kill you.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- You're the expert.- What do you think would happen if I plunged
0:05:08 > 0:05:11my fucking hand into your chest
0:05:11 > 0:05:13and ripped your beating fucking heart out and ate it?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Do you think you'd fucking die?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Well, I think it would be painful. I'd probably say...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Jesus.- God, you're so uptight.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Now, was she dead when you arrived?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Are you fucking kidding...
0:05:26 > 0:05:28me?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Hey, can I just ask one thing?
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Is it OK if we get a picture just with us and Rita?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Yeah, let's do it. - Now, that I can do for you.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I'm uncommonly proud of me new-fangled camera here,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42so you boys get there and you pose for me, lads.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Right, that's nice.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46What about Rita? Shall we get Rita in?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Now, Kemp, you're going to have to keep still while I expose the film.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Don't smile.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- No-one smiles in pictures.- What are you doing?- Martin was smiling.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Are you trying to get a rise out of me, rookie?- I'm not trying...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Keep your fucking mouth shut or your mouth will come out
0:05:58 > 0:06:01all fuzzy in the picture. Do you not understand?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Jesus wept!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05You have to stay fucking still while I take the fucking...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- I'm staying still now! - It's an old fucking camera!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11It takes two to three minutes.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Just stay fucking in your spot and stay fucking still.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Well done, Kemp, you've wound him up now, he might beat us up.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Oh, my... If I have to come over there, I'll put you both
0:06:19 > 0:06:22on your arses. Now stay still.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I am coming to the end of me fucking tether with you.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Do you think this is funny, Kemp?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31There's a prostitute dead on the floor.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34She's had her fucking heart ripped out. She's dead.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36This camera's old.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Jesus wept.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- You've really ruined this for me. - Right, fuck it.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- When I have my picture taken... - Shut the fuck up.- ..I smile.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I'm going to do a picture, I'm going to draw it
0:06:46 > 0:06:49and I'll send it to you in the fucking post, boys.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Now get the fuck out of here. - Right, right.- Fuck off.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- I always smile when I have my picture taken.- Well, you don't...
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Thank you very much.- Go!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Connor is the most popular person at the whole station and you've
0:07:00 > 0:07:02made me look ridiculous in front of him.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03'We headed to The Juicy Wench,
0:07:03 > 0:07:07'a three-star brothel run by Paloma Faith.'
0:07:07 > 0:07:09OK, here we are, The Juicy Wench.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12All right, listen. We're going to be a pair of local hard men.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Yeah.- By the name of the Neville brothers.- Right.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I'll be Gary, the cool, suave, sophisticated, handsome brother.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20You can be his buffoon younger brother, Philip.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- You all right with that? - Yeah. I'm Phil Neville.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- You're Gary Neville.- Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, are you ready?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- Yeah.- Face on. Phil face on.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42- So this is The Juicy Wench? - This is The Juicy Wench.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Hey, you lot.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Hey! You bunch of scalliwags and fiends.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51We are the brothers Neville.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Me, Gary, the stronger, wiser, cooler man.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57And my brother Philip who isn't any much as good as I am.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Well, well, well.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03If it isn't gangland hard man Phil Neville,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06and his freak show brother Gary.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Well, par...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Come to sample our wares, have you, Gary?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Well, we do offer a diversion for every perversion.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15What have you heard? I'm not a pervert.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Oh, come now, we've all heard about you.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Pig fucker!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER AND HECKLING
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Sheep shagger!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- What do they know about you that I don't?- Nothing at all.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I've got no idea what's happening here.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Sure I can't tempt you with something a little harder?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Well, what could be a little harder?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Oh, our prices are very reasonable. It's thruppence for a salty shuffle.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42A gummy gargle's thruppence. Thruppence for a parson's finger.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44And what if you want a bit of all three?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Basically, everything's a thruppence
0:08:46 > 0:08:48whether it's a service or a cocktail.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Now, they could be the other way round, I don't know.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53It's hard to tell when you can't read or write.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56But basically, everything is a thruppence.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- Apart from the bot bot. - I'm sorry, what is bot bot?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- Do you know what bot bot is? - No, tell...- Oh, come on, Gary.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Don't tell me you don't know what the bot bot is.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Pig fucker!
0:09:06 > 0:09:08HECKLING
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- I don't know what bot bot is. - Do you shag pigs?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I do not shag pigs. How dare you.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16You pig shagger!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- That is it. That is that. - Get your hands off me, Gary.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22You all think I'm some kind of sick weirdo.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27I, indeed, am not any kind of pig-fucking pervert.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29By God, I'll show you how much I like...
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Come here you...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Mmm. Mmm. Mmm-mmm.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35All right.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37That's what I'm talking about.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39That's the kind of honey I like.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- All right, Sleet.- Jesus Christ!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Urgh!
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Gah! Urgh!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Urgh!
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Lowcroft!- Yeah.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Sid fucking Lowcroft. What are you doing here?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I'm undercover, aren't I? I'm working on that drugs case.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Keep your voice down. - What drugs case?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Oh, we finished that case about four months ago, you idiot.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- What?- I wish someone had told you. - Ah.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Just the one hour tonight, Carol...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- Come on.- Give them the time of your life.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Have one on me, old fellow.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Do you know a young girl called Rita?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Rita?- Mm.- Of course I do.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Tell me when was the last time you saw Rita.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Oh, God. Rita, Rita, Rita, I don't know.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- When was the last time you saw her? - She was in her last night but we had
0:10:26 > 0:10:28a bit of an argument, didn't we?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31She was on about leaving, setting up on her own.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33So I told her, no, I'm not having that.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Business is business. What now, Gary?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Nothing, I'm merely ear-wigging.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Well, don't.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Who was she with last night?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43She was in here with one of her regulars.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Who was the regular?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49It was a regular. He was a nice man.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52He looked like an intellectual type.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Jesus, Gary, your breath smells like a pig's arsehole.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER AND HECKLING
0:10:57 > 0:11:01It's not pig. I have acid reflux.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER AND HECKLING
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Something on my belly doesn't sit right.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Listen up.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12I'm Phil Neville, and this is Gary.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15(Well, that figures, the pig fucking thing makes complete sense.)
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Now, I have it on good authority that someone in here
0:11:18 > 0:11:20has been going around saying they are the Neville brothers.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23And I want to know who it is.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Well, well, well.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Looks like we have some impostors in our midst, Gary.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31It seems you boys have been masquerading as the Neville brothers
0:11:31 > 0:11:33and we're not happy about it.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36No, we said we are the Breville brothers.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38We are the Breville brothers from Germany.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- We don't like the Breville brothers. - Right, which brothers do you like?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43We've got a lot of beef with the Breville brothers.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- All right, well, that's not us. - So, which brothers are you?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48The Clarke brothers. Would that be OK?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50We killed the Clarke brothers a couple of weeks ago.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52All right. Well, what about the Rafael brothers?
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- Carol, what are you doing here? - Jesus Christ, Lowcroft!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59You mean you've been moonlighting in this shithole?
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Is this a relationship?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02This is my girlfriend, Carol.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Jesus. Really?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Yeah.- I mean, this is your girlfriend, is it, Philip?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08This is your girl?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I've got a little surprise for you.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12You see, this is actually a guy.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15A guy by the name of Sid Lowcroft.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Tell me this isn't true, Carol.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- I'm sorry, I can't. - Oh, this is so confusing.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I want to kill you.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- I just want to stroke your face but...- I wouldn't touch it.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- No, don't do that. - Enough. Gary, hold him.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- What?- No, no, no, no.- Listen...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- I'm going to rip your throat out. - Martin, leave it.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- I'm going to rip your knickers down and I'm coming for you.- What?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- No.- How did you get this dress? - Sleet!
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Don't worry, Sid, I'll tell your family your story.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Oh, just get out!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50'Rita had scrawled two names on her list.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54'First up Will.i.am. A scientific genius and my nemesis.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56'We'd crossed swords many times before.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00'Actual swords. This is the olden days, remember, folks.'
0:13:05 > 0:13:10- Will.i.am.- Will.i.am?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13No, Professor.i.am cos you can never hope to be this dope,
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Inspector S to the L to the double E, T.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- What does that even mean? What did you just...- Oh, you look a little thinner.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Yeah, I've lost weight. - You been eating your beetroots?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- What?- Beetroots? - I don't like beetroot.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Have you been beating your meat? - Why do you always talk in these weird little rhymes?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Hey, man, who is this handsome hombre?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- Martin Kemp.- Martin Kemp, huh?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34You know, you put some full stops in there and you could be this dope.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37What about me? If I put full stops in my name could I be dope?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40No, man. I'm not talking... Hey, brother, down low.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- My G!- Oh, let me get involved with this.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46What's up?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48You are too slow, ho.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- That's stupid. It's a silly game. - Can I fix you fine fellows some refreshments?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- I would love one, yes.- Lovely. - Martin will go without.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Why? Why? - Cos it's your first day.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I got... I got some... I got some...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- There you go.- What have we got here?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- Try that.- Chloroform or truth serum.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07You think I'm stupid enough to drink truth serum, do you?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- Or chloroform? - You can't drink this.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Yes, but then also I know that i.am knows everything that there is
0:14:11 > 0:14:14to know about me. Thus, probably switching the bottles,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16putting the chloroform in the truth serum,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18the truth serum in the chloroform.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Meaning that I shall drink from this bottle.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Dammit.- Don't drink that.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23It's fine.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- That is chloroform.- I like this guy, he's really smart.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Oh, God. You know what I'm thinking about right now?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Having sex with my cousin.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33That's disgusting. Martin, this is your partner, man.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Listen. Martin, Martin, listen. That was definitely truth serum.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- I need you to be alert. - You leave it to me.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45No matter what, do not tell him the victim of this murder was an IC2
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- called Rita.- Rita was murdered?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- Why would you think that? - Because you just said it
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- and you can't whisper, man. - Did you know Rita?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Sure, I know Rita plenty. The girl was dope.- So do I.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56How well did you know Rita?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Oh, we had sex at least 22 times. - Not you!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Just shh! Keep it quiet.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03It's this truth serum playing havoc with my mind.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Hey, what kind of sex did you have with Rita?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Filthy sex. - How well did you know Rita?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Well, sometimes she shat on me through a coffee table.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Really? That's disgusting.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- I'm going to try and get out of here.- Yeah, I think you'd better.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Don't worry, Martin.- Did you and Rita ever get it together?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Yes, we did.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Not you!- Just last Thursday I paid her to spit in my mouth
0:15:23 > 0:15:25like I was a baby bird and she was a mother hen.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Then she kicked me in the stomach and pushed me down some stairs.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- That's disgusting.- If you don't want me to regard you as a suspect...
0:15:32 > 0:15:33I didn't kill her.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35See? I've got truth serum.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- All right, man. - When did you last see her?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- I saw her Thursday just passed. - Not you! I'm asking Will.i.am!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- I'm sorry.- But I saw her at her crib, The Juicy Wench.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46And when did you see her in The Juicy Wench?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Er, about...
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- This is made of plastic!- Hey! - This is made of plastic!
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- No, it's not.- Can we not just try, props department?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Plastic. There's printed labels.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It's 1850-something here.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02None of this is real.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Can't you see?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06He's an actor paid to do this.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07It's not really Will.i.am.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10His name's Samson. All of this thing is falling apart.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Look, there are cameras here.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13There's a camera crew.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Dammit, this truth serum is playing havoc with me.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21- Let's get back to this murder. - All right, let's act, all right.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24What exactly does your work entail here?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I'm like a cultural spaceman.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30A transcendental being and a focal point for positive astral energy
0:16:30 > 0:16:32but mainly I'm just a biologist.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34That other stuff is just shit I say to sound cool.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- A biologist?- Yeah, man. - Do you collect hearts?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39No, don't be silly.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Only a licensed medical doctor can experiment on human donors
0:16:42 > 0:16:45and there ain't no MD in front of my name. I mean, as it is,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48it would be illegal to operate on human organs.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50That's weird, cos I just found this.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Look, it's OK, I jacked a few black-market organs, all right?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57But it's no biggie because they all came from perfectly reputable
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- grave robberies.- Really? Or is this the case?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02You called out a prostitute, and then you murdered her,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05then you ripped out her heart cos you didn't think anyone
0:17:05 > 0:17:08would give her the respect she deserved?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10You didn't think she deserved any dignity because she was just
0:17:10 > 0:17:13a two a penny prostitute. My God, you make me sick.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15GLASS SMASHES
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Oh, that's not good. - You just smashed the evidence.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I didn't, I'm sorry, I'm just like... I was just getting...
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Yeah, you smashed evidence, brother.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Sorry about that.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Where did this come from? - You think you're smart, you ain't
0:17:30 > 0:17:33going to make that stick on me because I'm not going to touch that.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Did this heart here come from a sweet, innocent girl
0:17:37 > 0:17:40whose life had turned to prostitution and you ripped
0:17:40 > 0:17:42that beating heart from her body,
0:17:42 > 0:17:46believing that no-one would care enough to investigate it?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48But guess what, Buster?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I'm an honest john who paid to have sex with that woman
0:17:50 > 0:17:54and, by God, I will make sure, come hell or high water,
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I find the murderer of Rita Ora because I am
0:17:58 > 0:18:01the best cop in this goddamn city.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- That truth serum is wearing off. - Well said, that was excellent.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Martin, you just dropped the evidence on...- Let me get it.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Help him, Martin. Help your boy, Martin.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13There's glass and footprints on that.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- You got me?- I've got you. - All right, brother.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Hey, Martin, Martin, Martin!
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Stay black, brother. We shall overcome.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25A wimba way, a wimba way!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29'Time to rub shoulders with Successville's hoi polloi,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32'specifically Jonathan Ross, a wealthy so-and-so
0:18:32 > 0:18:35'dining with one Jamie Oliver in a joint full of men
0:18:35 > 0:18:38'with big wallets and small dicks.'
0:18:39 > 0:18:41All right, come in, Martin.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42What is this place?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Ssh. This is Successville's gentleman's club.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Listen, Martin. We're going to have to have aliases.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I am going to be Spencer Crenchingly-McQuaffen,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- you will be my brother Lafayette. - Lafayette?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57The Crenchingly-McQuaffen brothers.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- The what brothers? - Crenchingly-McQuaffen.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Is it Cruncher...le..mccuffen brothers?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Crenchingly-McQuaffens.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Quench...
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Crenchingly-McQuaffen. I implore you to get this right.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Crenchingly...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Look, look...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Crenchingly... Martin...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Lafayette...
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Quenchingly-McCuffen.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Crenchingly-McQuaffen.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Do you want me to change the name to Taylor?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Would that be easier for you, if we were just the Taylor...?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Keep your voice down.- I'm trying to but you are infuriating me.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Crenchingly... - McQuaffen.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Marty.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41OK, Crenchingly-McCuffen.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43McQuaffen.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Quaff.- Just call it McCuffen!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48One second.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53OK.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Just call it... Crenchingly-McCruffen.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Crenchingly-McCruffen.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Yeah, Lafayette Mc... - Lafayette and Spencer.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02- OK.- Let's do this.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Yeah. Thank you, sir.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Good eve.- Gweetings.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15Greetingth. I thall thtart with the thizzle thixth-ounth thirloin
0:20:15 > 0:20:18with Thouthern-thtyle thaltha and thuper-thized thalad.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22And I'll have the wild wabbit woin,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26the slow-woast gwouse and the wedcuwant gwavy.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29SLEET AND MARTIN LAUGH Oh!
0:20:33 > 0:20:37You shall both also laugh with mirth when you hear the confusion
0:20:37 > 0:20:40that has been broadcast upon us.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42We are not waiting staff.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44We are members here.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Yes, new members here.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Alas, you have been fooled into a jape
0:20:49 > 0:20:52that has quite simply spiralled out of wiz-waz.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Tho thorry to athume you were thimple therving thtaff.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- Tho thorry.- What?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Tho thorry to athume you were thimple therving thtaff.- What?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I'm tho thorry to athume you were thimple therving thtaff.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Did you get any of that?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Tho thorry to athume you were thimple therving staff.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08HE LAUGHS Again, I...
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Tho thorry to athume you were thimple therving thtaff.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14HE SNORTS
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Are you deaf?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19No, no. No, no, I agree exactly with what you said.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Thought you were a waiter.- Yes! HE LAUGHS FALSELY
0:21:23 > 0:21:26And the sun is shining brightly indeed.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28The thun is shining.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31So, we are without a table. Hint. Hint.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34We'd be delighted if you two gentlemen would join me,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Jonathan Ross this evening, when my guests will be
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Lord Jamie Oliver and you two fine gentlemen.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Oh, thank you very much.- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Oh! HE LAUGHS
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Well, this is nice, isn't it, gentlemen?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Well, we better introduce ourselves before we drink.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I am Spencer Crenchingly-McCruffen
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- and this is my brother... - Lafayette Crenchingly-McCruffen.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- Yes. - What an admiwable and affluent name.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Yes. Thank you. Oh, my gloves.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- What about them? - Just taking them off.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Clearly you gentlemen have a bob or two under the mattress.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19How did you come across your fortune?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Well, coal and butter.- Yes.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Two of my favourite mining operations.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I have a butter mine over in New Guinea.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- Amazing.- My brother Lafayette is the best of all the diggers.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33What do you use to excavate the butter?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35A big butter spoon.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37THEY LAUGH
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I can assure you he isn't crazy, gentlemen.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Has he ever been struck upon the head?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Yes, once upon a time, but that's another story entirely.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Pray tell, gentlemen of folklore...
0:22:47 > 0:22:51..do either of you have a crystal sweetheart?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54There's only one girl for me.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58A tewific girl by the name of Wita.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01So pure and virtuous.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Oh, she's an amazing girl.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Everything was going all right with Wita until I found out
0:23:06 > 0:23:08she was keeping a sordid secret.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Oh, really? Tell me more, Jonathan Ross.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Well, she'd come home after another long night of looking after
0:23:14 > 0:23:17the orphans when yet again, several of them had spilled milk
0:23:17 > 0:23:19all over her back. Well, she was running a bath
0:23:19 > 0:23:23and I saw that her diary had tumbled out of her bag and there it was.
0:23:23 > 0:23:257pm, thruppence.
0:23:25 > 0:23:277.30, thruppence.
0:23:27 > 0:23:298pm, thruppence.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32It was clear what Rita had been up to -
0:23:32 > 0:23:36she was seeing a man by the name of Thruppence.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Yes. Well, I mean, that might not have been her diary,
0:23:40 > 0:23:41it might have been her receipt book.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43What do you mean?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45It's come to our notice that Rita...
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Rita was a...
0:23:50 > 0:23:51A lady of the night.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54I beg your pardon?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You mean to tell me that Wita was widing winkles at the weekend?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00If what you mean by that is, was Rita having sex with strangers
0:24:00 > 0:24:04for thruppence at a time? Then, yes, that is exactly what she was doing.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- Where? - She was a wench in The Juicy Wench.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- She was...- The Juicy Wench, I've never heard of such a place.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Well, it's a lovely, reasonably priced little brothel
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- down on the south end of the shore. - Thouth end of the shore, you thay.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Yes, and here comes the kicker.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Along with being a prostitute, Rita is also...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Well, she's gone.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- Yes.- Gone where?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Rita's brown bread.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28- She's snuffed it?- Yes.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Well, I thought posh people wouldn't understand what brown bread is.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34There's one final bit of this story
0:24:34 > 0:24:37that has seemed to cause somewhat upset.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40We are also not the Crenchingly-McQuaffens.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42My name is DI Sleet, this is...
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- What's my name?- Martin Kemp.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Oh!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I'm so confused with the names.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53THEY LAUGH
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Well, which is the name that you've been for the longest in your life?
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Martin Kemp.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Is he crying or laughing? - He's laughing.- I'm just...
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- I'm crying over Rita.- Yes.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Rita was a really good friend of ours.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Yes, well, a friend of yours. I was just a loyal customer.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18It must be years undercover has affected you deeply.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Well, yes, it hasn't been that long. It's been 20 minutes.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Right, you are a suspect, Jonathan.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Jamie Oliver, you are just a bumbling fool.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28There, there!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I theriously think you can conthider thlinking off
0:25:31 > 0:25:33and thlinging your hook.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34- What? Say that again. - I have no idea.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Thling off. Thling your hookth.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Conthider thlinging your...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Thling off and thling your hookth. - Can you open your mouth?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- Pith off.- Well, you could have said that in the first place.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47It's like talking to a chimpanzee at times.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48It's ridiculous.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Maybe do something. Well, sir, you can cast indispersion upon me
0:25:52 > 0:25:54or on my fake brother-stroke-partner
0:25:54 > 0:25:57but you can...should have your tongue looked at.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00It's obviously too big. Argh!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01You can talk!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Yeah, you've got me at it now.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04You, sir, should have your tongue looked at.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It's clearly too big for your mouth.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- Pith off.- We're going.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Heads down. The fuzz are in town.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17You, run. Scarper, you wench.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41You three have been brought here accused of murder.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Entrusted in me by the Queen of Successville,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I have the order...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51..to kill whoever we think murdered Rita Ora.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Ready.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Aim.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- It wasn't me!- Fire!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01GUNSHOT
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Bravo, my friend, bravo.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07That was a decent bit of shooting.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10WHISTLE BLOWS
0:27:12 > 0:27:14What the deuce is that?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18That, sir, is Jonathan Ross.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Perhaps you'd like to present your evidence, Kemp.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Jonathan Ross one evening took...
0:27:25 > 0:27:28..Rita Ora out of the back of The Juicy Wench,
0:27:28 > 0:27:32he covered her mouth with a cloth from The Juicy Wench
0:27:32 > 0:27:36that was covered in chloroform. She fell to the floor,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38he slit her throat and he pulled out her human heart
0:27:38 > 0:27:40and he sent it to Will.i.am.
0:27:40 > 0:27:45You've just shot a man on the very flimsiest of evidence.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50But, remarkably, you shot the right man.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Well done, Martin!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- Bravo.- Thank you. - I never lost faith!
0:27:54 > 0:27:55- Thank you.- I knew.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Her Majesty is very, very happy with you, Kemp.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Of course it was Ross.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- Thank you.- Yes, Ross, as we know, had a red handkerchief
0:28:05 > 0:28:08matching the one that was found at the crime scene
0:28:08 > 0:28:11and Ross, if you kept your little peepers open,
0:28:11 > 0:28:12was present at The Juicy Wench
0:28:12 > 0:28:16when you were making investigations despite the fact...
0:28:16 > 0:28:18The Juicy Wench.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I've never heard of such a place.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23It could not have been Will.i.am.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28No, because he was lecturing during the hours that the unfortunate wench
0:28:28 > 0:28:31was shot. And it could not have been Paloma Faith...
0:28:33 > 0:28:35..because she couldn't write.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38I don't know, it's hard to tell when you can't read or write.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40And there was a letter, wasn't there?
0:28:40 > 0:28:41On in the dead body, that said...
0:28:41 > 0:28:43"You betrayed me".
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- Yes.- Bravo, Kemp.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Thank you very much.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Well done, boys.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51Lads, follow me.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53You know, there was a time there
0:28:53 > 0:28:58- when you couldn't even remember your name.- Yep.- Come on, buddy.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00I think it's time we went back to the future.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03THEY LAUGH
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Oh, God.