0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Hi there, I'm Lorraine Kelly, but today I'm becoming a cop
0:00:08 > 0:00:11and I'm about to be thrown into a live murder mystery.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15I've got no script, I've got absolutely no idea what's going
0:00:15 > 0:00:20to happen, so wish me luck as I try to solve a murder in Successville.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Sometimes, the famous faces that live here break the law
0:00:33 > 0:00:36and when they do, I'm here to bring them down.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41I'm DI Sleet. In this city, crime spreads like flames
0:00:41 > 0:00:45and I fight fire with fire because I never understood chemistry.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48But who cares about science? I'll tell you who.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Creepy little perverts. Am I right, dudes?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05BACKGROUND CHATTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:07This, of course, is the corridor.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Oh, this is DI Sleet. Just want to introduce you.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12He's one of our finest officers. Ha-ha-ha!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16- Hey, who's the stiff, Chief?- This is...- Captain of the Bellends?- No.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Hey, buddy, what's your favourite drink - jerk juice?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- No, Sleet, no, no, no.- Hey, what is he, an underpant gnome?- No, he's...
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- He runs around the washing line skinning underpants?- This...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- The underpant gnome.- Sleet, it's Mike...- What's with your hair?
0:01:28 > 0:01:33- He's the HR man. He's here from HR to check up on us.- OK. Hm!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Hey, Mike. Michael? You are doing a great job.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Thank you. And, er...so, Sleet, I have a new rookie for you.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44- Oh, wow! Brilliant!- Yeah. Lorraine, would you come inside, please?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Hi, how are you? Great to have you with us.- Hi. Thank you.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51- Lovely to see you.- Hello! Nice to meet you! I'm DI Sleet.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- He will be showing you the ropes today.- Fantastic.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57So I'll leave you two to get acquainted and I'll pop back in
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- in a little while.- See you, Mike. - Great. OK. Thank you, Sleet.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Thank you.- Lesson number one, take a seat, my lovely.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Has there been a murder?
0:02:04 > 0:02:05What?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- Has there...has there been a murder, sir?- All right.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- Sorry, sir, I've just always wanted to say that, sir.- Sit down.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15- Thank you, sir.- Oh!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- So, you're a joker? - I quite like jokes, yes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I know that when you look at me, you look at a guy,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"Oh, he's a good time. He's fun. He's...!" Oh, God!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26What do you want, you greasy insect?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- Hello.- Hello.- Can you sign that?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Big Debbie needs it doing. It's an evidence file.- Oh.- Ta.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Have you done something different with your hair?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Yeah. I brushed it forward.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Where did you get your hair done, at a burger van?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- That's not very nice.- It's a joke! - No, but it's not a very nice joke.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Anyway, George Clooney's got his hair like that.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Don't compare him to George Clooney, the town banker.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, say something about his nose.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Um...did you pick that nose yourself?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02That's a good one!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- I like that one! Nose-picker!- What?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08You nose-picker!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10You could've picked any of the noses from the nose factory
0:03:10 > 0:03:13and you got that one? "Did you pick your nose...?"
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- That's what you mean, right? - No, no, no, no. I meant...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Oh, no, I meant, did you pick...like, pick your nose?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- Everyone picks their nose.- I know. - I do not pick my nose, you savage!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Do not come in here picking your nose.- She just...
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- That's one thing I will not have in here.- Can I have my pen, please?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Go and get it. If you want it, fetch it.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32That's the thing about me, Lorraine, I love jokes,
0:03:32 > 0:03:36I like a good time, but they have to be tasteful jokes
0:03:36 > 0:03:39and you've got to get up pretty early in the morning
0:03:39 > 0:03:40to get one past me, right?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- OK.- I like...- Oi, dickhead!- Oh!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Why don't you learn to keep your big, stupid mouth shut?!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- My apologies. I'm sorry, Chief. - Yeah.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- You almost really landed me in it back there.- I'm sorry once again.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- I...- Idiot!
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Oh, you can't do that, that's really horrible.- Don't tell the HR, please.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Um...guys, we have a problem.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Harry Hill, Successville's top reporter, has gone missing
0:04:05 > 0:04:10with his dog whilst walking beside the Walliams' chemical plant.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11I'm writing it down. There's a dog...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Forget the dog, forget the dog. - But we shouldn't forget the dog.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17There was a dog, but Harry Hill is more important.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Guys, er...don't let me down on this one.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Oh, I will not let you down.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- By the way, you seen Sid Lowecroft's hair?- Yeah.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27What a twat!
0:04:29 > 0:04:34- Lorraine?- Yes?- Let's put our jokes and our laughter in a drawer.- Yes.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- In the drawer. - Let's go solve a crime.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Follow me.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54- If you start to get scared, just scream. OK?- OK.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- I'm joking, don't really scream. - I'll just hide behind you, eh?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Don't hide behind me, you're a cop in your own right.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04We shouldn't be going in here. It's not a good place to go snooping.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Oh, God.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Oh, God!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Oh! Oh, no!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Oh, no, it's Harry Hill! He's all horrible! Don't go near him!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17What do you mean, don't go near him?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- He's a corpse, we've got to examine him.- He's horrible!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- That's not right. - Look at that behind his body.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26It looks like some kind of weird radiation.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32- Oh! It looks like great, big prints of, like, a wolf!- A wolf?!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Or...or...or a great, big, giant dog?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Or a monster?- I don't know. Do you believe in monsters?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- I've never seen prints like that before.- Neither have I.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I think you should go through his body and see what you can find.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- Um...- Undo the jacket, get a real look in there.- OK. Oooh!
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- There's something here, sir. Can you help me up?- Of course I can.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Thanks very much. Thank you.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Oooh! This is interesting! Look!
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- Arrange background checks. Ant and Dec.- Right.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Madonna.- Right.- David Walliams.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It looks like we've answered all of our questions we didn't yet have.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- Mm. - Right, listen, last things last.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10What are you going to do now?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- What do you think I'm going to do? - I don't know.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- I'm going to get some pictures of the crime scene.- Oh, right.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Right, OK.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Right, you take the pictures.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20What do you think you need to get pictures of?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23We need to get pictures of Harry Hill and Harry Hill's...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- And all that malarkey. Look. - All right. Can I get in this?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- We don't need you in it. - Yes, you do!- What?!
0:06:27 > 0:06:31No-one's going to believe I was in the inner sanctum of Wally Cam!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Let me get a picture in there. Can you get my face in?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- This is highly inappropriate, sir. - It's not, it's fun!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- There, I've got you both.- Hey, hey, hey, hey. Shall I teabag him?- No!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- No, don't do that. That's... - Come on, it's funny!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- No, no, it's not funny. No, I draw the line.- You don't draw the line.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- If I teabag him... - No, I draw the line.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I draw the line. I'm drawing the line.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53You've really buzz-killed this murder scene.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I'm sorry, the line is drawn. Do you want another photo or not?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I don't want to another photo if I'm not allowed to teabag the dead body!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- You can't do that to Harry Hill! - All right!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Give me my camera back. - There you are.- Dammit!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- There's a funny fella down there. Look!- What?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13There's a funny fella. Look! Look what he's doing?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15He pointed at me! Look! Look! Oh!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- There's no-one there! - But he was there a minute ago!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20He was there a minute ago.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- He was a funny-looking fella and he was pointing at me...- Lorraine!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26It really was. I wouldn't tell a lie, I really wouldn't.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I know you're no liar, but I'm saying you might be seeing things.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I'm going to keep a check on you for the rest of the day.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35OK, let's go. Let's go and find out what's going on here.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40The first suspect was Harry's ex-girlfriend, Madonna.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Her file read like my dating profile - crazy with trust issues.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47We were going to fool her into thinking we were
0:07:47 > 0:07:48a pair of old school friends.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Abracadabra, baby!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Right, listen to me.- I'm listening. - Can you do an American accent?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02AMERICAN ACCENT: I can do an American accent...
0:08:02 > 0:08:03from the Deep South.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Well, that's pretty good.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Right, are you ready for this? - Oh, yeah.- Follow my lead.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11INTERCOM BUZZES
0:08:11 > 0:08:14'Hello? Who are you?'
0:08:14 > 0:08:17It's Cody! Cody Hammerstein and...
0:08:17 > 0:08:18- And...and...- Stacey...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20..and Stacey Funkinfunkinfunkin.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- What?- 'What? I've never heard of that name in my life!'
0:08:24 > 0:08:27You remember Stacey Funkinfunkinfunkin,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- the American girl who came from the Deep South.- 'I don't remember that!'
0:08:30 > 0:08:33You must remember me! Cody the Codster! Big Cody!
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"Cody's on campus, everybody! Lock up your daughters!"
0:08:37 > 0:08:38We love Cody!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42'My God! She's moving from different counties!'
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Yeah. Well, she moved around a lot as a kid.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Her family were in the circus.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- (There's that thing in the window.) - What?!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Remember I told you there was a crazy-looking guy,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54a funny wee fella? There he is! He's really creepy-looking!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Look! Look!- Really, Lorraine? You're going to go through all this...?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Look!- Oh, wow! There's no child there.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Because you took so long to look! - You're going to have to stop.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Sorry, Madonna, it feels like we've got two crazy people here!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06'What...what do you want from me?!'
0:09:06 > 0:09:08We just want to come in and catch up, have a chinwag.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Yeah, we want to hang out, Madonna.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14'OK, you can enter, but first, you must remove your shoes.'
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- OK, you ready for this?- Yeah.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Just take our shoes off?- Yeah. OK. - Wow!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Wow! Cool place! Cool vibe! - Thank you.- Cool vibe!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- I really, really like it.- Sit!- Yeah.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36- Hey!- Hey, Madonna!- Hi. - Have you got a dog here?- No!
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Well, can I ask you who made that mess on your carpet?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- I did.- Oh!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44That's your...that's your excrement on the floor?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46- Thank you.- Yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- So...- So... - How you been, gal? How you been?
0:09:50 > 0:09:55- I've been...I've been here for 20 years.- Oh, wow! That's cool!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- Cody. Yes!- No.- I do remember...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Over here, I'm the Codster.- Cody.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- You're Cody?- I'm not Cody. - You must remember me!
0:10:05 > 0:10:06You remember at school,
0:10:06 > 0:10:10when I scored the winning touchdown and kissed the homecoming queen!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- No, I don't rem... Yes, I do!- Yes!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Yes.- Oh, maybe...- Yes.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Since I've been working at Wally-Chem,
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- my mind's been kind of affected a little.- So, yeah...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Madonna, Madonna, what were you doing at Wally-Chem?- I...don't know.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I can't remember!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It was really creepy and scary... and slimy.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- A little bit like you. - Why are you here?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Are you here to mock me, like the others?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36No, we're here, actually,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38to talk about a pretty sweet night that's coming up.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- We're arranging a school reunion. - What?- Yeah, yeah.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Everyone's going to be there.- Who?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Er...the Nicholson sisters.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- Are they still conjoined? - There's no splitting those girls up.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50LORRAINE LAUGHS
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- You know who else is going to be there?- Who?- Harry Hill.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Harry will be there?- Of course he will.- Yes!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Oh, no, no! No!- Why?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04No, Harry's ancient history. No.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07When was the last time you saw Harry Hill?
0:11:07 > 0:11:12We became friends after school and...and he was the only one
0:11:12 > 0:11:16that would believe me when I told him what I saw at Wally-Chem.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- What did you see? - Stacey, I saw a monster!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Oh! SLEET LAUGHS
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- You don't believe me! - Madonna, what was the monster?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- What did it look like? - Oh, Christ, you're not going to...?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- I have pictures! I have pictures of what I saw!- Oh, God!
0:11:33 > 0:11:34See? They're real!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Wow! Wow, that's a really... Yeah. That's...that's a keeper(!)
0:11:37 > 0:11:40That's proof that there was a monster(!) What the hell is this?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- What the hell is that?- That looks like a vagina!- That's my vagina!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46What? It's got ears and horns!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- LORRAINE LAUGHS - And eyes!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Yeah, well, it's very angry down there.- It's like a car crash.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- It's, like, I shouldn't look, but I am.- You're strangely drawn.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59- Yeah, I am!- Well, they did tests, they stretched it quite wide.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- Oh, for crying...! OK.- OK.- Let's...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03You know, I never thought I'd say this to a woman,
0:12:03 > 0:12:04but let's leave your vagina where it is.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09Cody Hammerstein, I'm regretting inviting you into this house!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I'm regretting taking my shoes off before I came in!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15It's literally covered in faeces and urine here!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I don't know why we just don't all pull down our pants
0:12:17 > 0:12:18and have a big poo party!
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- What's going on here? - Well, I don't trust the toilet!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24You don't trust the toilet?!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- It will suck me in!- I'm outta here!
0:12:26 > 0:12:29No, don't go! No, watch where you're putting your feet!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Get out of my house! - Come on, we're going. Come on.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33But we haven't found anything out.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Well, that's what happens in this show. Sometimes we don't.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Next stop, it was time to visit hillbilly brothers Ant and Dec.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Hello?- Hello?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- I say, hello there?- Hello?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Oh, well, what have we got here?
0:12:51 > 0:12:52I don't know, sir. It says Ant or Dec.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You would think that you would get both of them, wouldn't you?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- What do you mean?- Well, for 60,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00you'd think you would get access with Ant or Dec.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03We're not here from Trading Standards, Lorraine.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- No, but, I mean...- We are here to see if they're murderers.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- OK.- I'm not here to play silly dicks.- OK.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Hey! Come out, come out, wherever you are!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Come out!- Where are you?- Come out!
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Hey! Hey, who goes there?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- This is private property, man! You cannae just walk in here!- Excuse me.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I'm DI Sleet from Successville nick. This is...
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I'm Lorraine Kelly. PC Lorraine Kelly.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31You going to shoot them, Dec? I didn't want bang-bang!
0:13:31 > 0:13:32No bang-bang, Anthony.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33I want to ask these two intruders
0:13:33 > 0:13:36what they are doing in me private property without a warrant.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39All right, my face is the frigging warrant, all right?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42You been sniffing around, have you? What have you been looking at?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Your posters. We're a little bit confused about the pricing.- Yeah.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- If I'm honest. - And it says there, Ant or Dec.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- Do we get both of you? I mean... - All right, we're not...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Sorry, we're not here to enquire about the ghost walks.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- But for 60... - They're buying me again.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55I don't want people buying me!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58The last thing I want to do is buy this crazy head.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Hey, don't make fun of me brain! - Yeah, don't make fun of his brain!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Listen, I've had enough of this!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- A man's dead!- There's no need to shout.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Yeah, exactly. We heard you. - I'm sorry.- We heard you.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10We heard you the first time.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Harry Hill has been found dead.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Dead?!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18And he was doing some digging and investigating.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20He's always snooping around. Should've been more careful.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Maybe he started snooping around here.- Maybe.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Found out about your tours.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Maybe that you were selling people tours that weren't real.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28You got the hump with it, didn't you?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31And you got yourself a little taste for... Hey, what's this?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34What's this lovely taste? What is it, Lorraine? What can I taste?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Murder, murder! You can taste murder, sir! Murder!- Yes, I can.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- I don't know what that is. - Don't be talking daft, Sleet.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42What do I want to murder anyone for?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Harry Hill snooping around here just gave us more publicity.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48And...and...and, look, we're a proper cottage industry now, man.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- We're even bringing our own craft beers out.- I love craft beer.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Do you? When you came in, I thought,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"There's a man that's going to like craft beer."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- Because I look like a hipster? - Yeah, exactly.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59You need an arm around the shoulder, and I've got one. Come on.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- OK, let's hit this beer. - Come on, this way.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03I'm going to leave on my own, man.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Hello.- Hello there.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- How are you?- My name's Anthony.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- I'm Lorraine. - What's your name called?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- Lorraine.- Orlaine?- No, Law-rain.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Are you a princess? - I'm not a princess, no.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I've never been alone with a lady before, thank you.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- Have you not? - Not a lady as pretty as you are!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- Aww, you're really sweet! - I feel all embarrassed in my willy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Thank you.- Don't feel embarrassed.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31It's a nice feeling, but it's strange. Rabbits!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33No, it's not rabbits, love.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36That's fruity. What kind of fruit...? Has it got fruit in it?
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Yeah, it's just a bit of cherry.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- And a bit of coffee, so it's like a mocha. Cheers.- Down the hatch.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Mm.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48You like that one, eh? That's nice. Yeah.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- I like experimenting, you know? - No, it's good, I think it's good.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- You're being adventurous. - Yeah, yeah.- You are.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54I can see where this is going.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58No, it's not going anywhere.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Shall we cut to the chase, mister?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I think I know why you brought me back down here.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Well, it was literally just for trying the beer.- Oh, come on.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10- Try new things...- No.- ..giving the guy a few sips of some strong lager.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Just normal.- You've got some big ideas for me, huh?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I honestly am not with you.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Really?- Yeah, I mean...- Really?
0:16:18 > 0:16:23I think I know what you want from me and I'm with it, I'm down with that.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- No, you're... Honestly, that's not...- Oh, really?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I'm just not that way inclined. I mean, it's fine that you are.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I'm not, I just thought that...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I mean, we don't have to tell anyone.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Are you all right? - No, I'm a little bit...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- My confidence has taken a bit of a hit...- You shouldn't let it.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I thought that you'd got me down here, flirting with me...
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- No! But, I mean... - I'm embarrassed now.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I was just throwing myself out there, hoping that...
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- You should be proud of that. - It's hard to meet people.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I'm an old school flirt - give me a drink, I'm yours.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54This really wasn't what this was, but, I mean...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Please don't tell anyone about this. - OK, don't, yeah. I won't.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Do you want to turn the magic knob?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- This one?- Aye.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Twist it, Elaine.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- RADIO STATIONS CHANGE - Oh, man, can you hear that?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06That's noises from other worlds, you know.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11They come from all over space and time, thank you.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- ROARING - Oh, no!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- No, no, no, turn it off! - Ah! What is that?- I don't know!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Turn it off, turn it off! No!
0:17:20 > 0:17:24What in the name of Joe Bananas is going on here? What is happening?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Hey, step away, you filthy pervert!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I never touched him, I never touched him!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31You were playing with his magic knob?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- She got my magic knob and just... - Hold up, everyone calm down.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35I feel dirty!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38All right, all right, all right, it's a woman touching your knob.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40If I was you, enjoy it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42But it wasn't, it was the knob of the radio.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Oh, right, see? It was the knob of...
0:17:45 > 0:17:46I don't know what YOU were talking about.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Well, I was talking about your penis.- Dirty mind!- Yeah!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- You were talking about what? - Your penis.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54It wasn't my penis, what's wrong with you, man?
0:17:54 > 0:17:59- You've got penis on the brain. - Yeah, all right, OK.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02This is some craft beer that Dec here has been kind enough to...
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I'm just glad we sorted out that little misunderstanding with
0:18:05 > 0:18:07your murder case. Hope you sort it out soon.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Oh, I mean, yes, we've had a look at it and we've gestured
0:18:10 > 0:18:12in the right direction, so thank you for your hospitality.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- We shall be on our way. - OK.- Thank you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Thank you.- Yeah, see you later. - Bye, Mrs Lorraine.- Mm.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23So, my bet is that David Walliams is going to be holed up in there.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24That's Wally-Chem over there.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25OK.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30How have you enjoyed working in the force?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31I think we've bonded, sir.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35We have massively bonded. Do you want to go on holiday together?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Whereabouts do you want to go? - I don't know, you tell me.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I'd quite like to go to Greenland.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- Let's do it.- OK!- Let's book a holiday to Greenland, dammit!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Oh, God, I'm so excited.- OK.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Meet other people, other friends, holiday friends.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- Holiday friends.- Ah.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- Polar bears.- Well, yeah, I don't know, I've never been to Greenland.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Neither have I, that's why I want to go.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- So excited.- I know, go to Nuuk. - Where?- Nuuk.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I don't know anything about Greenland,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I'm just excited about the sound of it.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Nuuk is the capital of Greenland. We could go.- Yeah.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09DOG BARKS
0:19:09 > 0:19:11What is that?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Foul beast of the night.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Do you think that might be...?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Harry Hill's dog went missing. - It went missing.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- It's the final piece of this jigsaw. - Uh-huh.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Lorraine, you wait here, I'll investigate, OK?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24No problem.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Will I just stay here? - Just wait there, Lorraine.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Wait there.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Binky!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Binky dog!
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Where are you?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Binky! - DOG BARKS
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Wait there.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Hey! Hey, is that you, dog?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Where are you going? Come back!
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Where are you going?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Oh, bloody hell.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56SUDDEN INTERFERENCE ON RADIO
0:19:56 > 0:19:58SILENCE
0:20:07 > 0:20:08What on earth?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Oh, my God, it's Creepy Boy!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Oh, no, no, no, stay back!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Creepy Boy, Creepy Boy, don't go away!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Creepy Boy, don't go away! Stay there!
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Creepy Boy, Creepy Boy...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24What's Creepy Boy got to do with this?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Oh! Ho-ho!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Oh, look! That is the cutest wee dog.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33SHE LAUGHS
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Lorraine, look. - That is the cutest thing!
0:20:35 > 0:20:36I know, right?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39It's like we've solved the case. We found Binky.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41But listen, listen, you just missed...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44You must have seen him, actually. Did you see Creepy Boy?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Who?- You know the wee creepy boy I keep telling you about?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- The wee funny-looking fella... - You know something?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49I know, but you must...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I go out and find the dog we've been looking for,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54and you make this elaborate story about this kid that...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56He's definitely there and I don't understand why you can't see him.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I've seen him with my own two eyes.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Well, maybe he's a little ghost boy that only you can see.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03You don't get little ghost boys. He's a real, true boy.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Ah, right, a true boy. God...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Listen, this is great.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- We've solved the case, right? - But how have we solved the case?
0:21:11 > 0:21:12We haven't solved the case.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14The last piece of the jigsaw was the dog, right?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17But, I mean, we still don't know who killed Harry Hill.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Ah!- Whoa.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Oh, this isn't good.- Is it not good?
0:21:24 > 0:21:25No.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Am I blind?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- Lorraine, are you there? - Sleet, is that you?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Of course it's me, who else talks like I do?- That's true.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34GIGGLING What's that? I can hear something.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Hello, DI Sleet, PC Kelly.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Sorry to keep you waiting.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Let's have a look at your medical files.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Uh-oh.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Now, you have been cleared of radiation,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49but I unfortunately have to diagnose you
0:21:49 > 0:21:53with a severe case of nosy parkers.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55There's worse things to be than that.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57- Hmm?- Ah!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Hey, girl.- You OK?- That's enough.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06You know, there are a number of pressure points all over the body
0:22:06 > 0:22:10that will betray us if put under enough pressure. The eyes...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- What?- ..the kidneys...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- the genitals...- Hey, hey. - WALLIAMS GIGGLES
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Get off them, you!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Nurse, bring the hypoderm, please.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21What? No, no!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Nooooooo!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28We're going to inject you with a little anaesthetic...
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- Walliams, I'm a cop, you can't do this.- Don't, don't.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- ..which will send you sleepy bye-byes.- You're a madman.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37And then we're going to fuse your blood
0:22:37 > 0:22:39with the blood of a Komodo dragon.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40No, you can't do that!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I don't want to be a dragon, Walliams!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Don't fight it. Sleep, breathe in... - I will fight it.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- ..breathe out.- I'll fight it till I can't move any more.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51He's off.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Mm.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Uh-oh.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Lorraine, Lorraine.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Now, let's find a vein.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- No!- This one looks a little bit tougher than old DI Sleet.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Prepare a bigger dose, Sister.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I'm off to prepare for the next phase.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16HE GIGGLES
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Sleet, Sleet, help me, help me!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19They're going to inject me with something horrible.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I don't know what's going to happen to me.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Sleet, please wake up! Please wake up.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Wake up! ALARM BLARES
0:23:28 > 0:23:29What's that? What's that?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31What is going on?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36ROARING Ah!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39ALARM STOPS
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Oh, no...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Might be the monster.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Sleet! Wake up!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- Wake up!- Argh!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Oh, God, Kelly, I had a horrible dream that we were locked inside
0:23:51 > 0:23:56- some weird medical facility and they were making us into dragons.- Duh!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- What do you mean, duh? - That's what's happening.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Oh, God.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Ah!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Hey, hey, Sleet, look, look, look!- What?
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Do you remember that I've been telling you
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- about the funny wee fella...? - That's Darren Lowecroft,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12the stinkiest kid in the whole of Successville.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- You remember his father from the police station earlier?- Yes.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Family aside, you're a nice boy.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- All right?- Oh, ah, Sid Lowecroft. - What are you doing in here?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Hi!- I thought I smelled foot fungus.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25What are you doing in here?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27What do you mean, what am I doing here?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I'm tied to a medical gurney, you fool!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30What are you doing here, more like?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Why are you traipsing around the corridors of this freak house?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Darren's been doing his little medical trials, haven't you, mate?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Do you know this kid's been walking around for the last two days,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41freaking out my partner?
0:24:41 > 0:24:42- Has he?- Yeah!- Yeah!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I mean, I'd warn him about stranger danger,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47but his father's the biggest weirdo in this town.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Get me out of here! Lowecroft, get me out.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- What, are you tied up? - Yes, I'm tied up.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55No, Lowecroft, I'm sunbathing(!)
0:24:55 > 0:24:57God, you infernal idiot.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Sid, when I said, "Get me out of here," I meant the full way,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02not do a half job.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Christ, no wonder you're still a private.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07No, listen, he got us out of here, he's doing OK.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- My God, what are you wearing?- What?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11What are you wearing?!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16You really think at a time like this...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Dammit, do not laugh!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21ROARING
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Where did you get that from?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25One of the guards left it.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Guess what, Lorraine?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29It's monster-killing time.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Slowly does it.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34The hell is going on here?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- I don't know, sir.- All right.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39That's it, slowly does it.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45ROARING
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Lorraine, Lorraine, take that shot!
0:25:53 > 0:25:54That's my girl.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58That is my girl, that's the coolest thing I ever damn saw.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Oh, my goodness!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04What the drat is that?
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Who shot the unarmed person
0:26:08 > 0:26:10in the fancy dress outfit?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- Lorraine Kelly, sir.- Kelly. - Monster slayer.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Right, did you?
0:26:15 > 0:26:19That's not a monster, Lorraine, there's a human being under there.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Looked like a monster, sir, looked like a monster.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Erm, maybe you two would be kind enough to
0:26:25 > 0:26:30take me through your reasoning behind this murder.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Well, I think it might be Madonna, sir.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Er, why?
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Because I think Madonna wanted revenge on Harry Hill.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40I see, OK.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- Because Harry Hill dumped her.- Ah.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44She was the one that told us there was a monster,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47she was the one that showed us photographs of a monster
0:26:47 > 0:26:48and the monster's feet and all of that,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50and I think she's engineered the whole thing.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53And I think she's in charge of Ant and Dec as well.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56If your hypothesis is correct, it should be Madonna...
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- Yes, sir, absolutely. - ..underneath all of this gunk.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- Oh, OK.- Oh, dear, no.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- It's not Madonna, is it? - Oh, dear. Oh, God.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- OK.- What is that?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I think that might be goo.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14It's clearly Ant and Dec who were behind the murder,
0:27:14 > 0:27:16and let me tell you the reason.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Ant and Dec had constructed this whole monster in order to
0:27:20 > 0:27:24sell tickets for their conspiracy tours, yes?
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Harry Hill was on to them,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27he was about to blow the lid on the hoax,
0:27:27 > 0:27:30so they killed him by the chemical plant
0:27:30 > 0:27:33and made it look like it was their monster who did it.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36And you were told about the radiation by the body -
0:27:36 > 0:27:38it couldn't have been Walliams, of course,
0:27:38 > 0:27:42because that was a radiation-free zone, the chemical plant.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46But you failed to see the radiation at Ant and Dec's.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49And it couldn't have been Madonna, I'm sorry to say,
0:27:49 > 0:27:50because she was a recluse
0:27:50 > 0:27:54and she hadn't been out of her house in years.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I've been here for 20 years.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58That was sad, wasn't it?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Now, Lorraine, I'm not going to start
0:28:01 > 0:28:05unloading a stream of verbal abuse here because that's not
0:28:05 > 0:28:10how we operate at Successville. We like to be constructive,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13if that's OK, and, Sleet, I'm going to encourage you
0:28:13 > 0:28:17to just go home and think about what you've done here, if that's OK.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21- Hey, Chief?- Yeah?- I'm going to go and take a dump on your desk.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23How are you going to like that?
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Not very much, you collapsed arsehole!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28CHIEF GROANS
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Write that in your book, you straight-laced twat.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Stop following me!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35- Oh, look at that. - He couldn't help himself, could he?
0:28:35 > 0:28:36He couldn't.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38I got it totally wrong, sir, I'm sorry.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42You know, you got this wrong, but let's remember one thing...
0:28:43 > 0:28:45..you're one hell of a good time to be around.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- We've got holidays booked, fun to have!- We have!
0:28:48 > 0:28:51We're going to have no time for police work, Lorraine.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56- You fancy that gin and tonic? - I certainly do.- Come on.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- Let's go for it. - Ah, you know something?
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Sometimes you pitch, sometimes you run,
0:29:02 > 0:29:05and that, my friend, is life.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08THEY LAUGH
0:29:08 > 0:29:10# Everybody wants you
0:29:12 > 0:29:15# Everybody wants your love
0:29:16 > 0:29:20# I'd just like to make you mine all night
0:29:23 > 0:29:26# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
0:29:26 > 0:29:27# Baby, give it up
0:29:27 > 0:29:29# Give it up
0:29:29 > 0:29:30# Baby, give it up... #