0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains very strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Hello there. I am Reggie Yates, but today I'm becoming a cop -
0:00:10 > 0:00:13I'm being thrown into a live murder mystery.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Now, I've no script and no idea what might happen, so wish me luck,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18as I try and solve a Murder in Successville.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25'Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29'Sometimes, the famous faces that live here break the law.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32'And when they do, I'm here to bring them down.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34'I'm DI Sleet.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37'They say crime doesn't play, but neither does being a cop.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40'That's why I sleep in my car and I eat from a dumpster.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42'Hey, don't pity me.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44'You know what does pay? Property.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47'Get into property, kids, is all I'm saying. Great career.'
0:01:00 > 0:01:02HE SIGHS
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Urgh!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Morning, Sleet.- Oh, chief, thank God you're here.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- How are we?- I'm not too bad.- Yeah?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- Just coming to terms with this piece of crud.- How are you getting on?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I don't like it, chief. I don't like the future.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I'd just like how things used to be, you know.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Sleet, you are literally the only person
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- in this building not currently online.- Really, I mean...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Maybe the new rookie can help you. - Oh, I...
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Welcome to the future. Young man!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Reggie Yates.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Hi.- Hey.- Rookie, this is DI Sleet.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Yes? He is an absolute dinosaur.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Introductions - done!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Take a seat, my friend. All right.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- What's your first name?- Reg.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Reg, I like that. I used to have a cat called Reg.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Now, the way that this show works, I don't know if you...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Gordon Ramsay at some point will come in and give us a case.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Yeah.- If anybody in this office just loves banter and jokes, it's him.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58So, what, I should take the piss out of him then, he'd be up for that?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Yes. Yes. You know what you should do is this, right...
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Go on.- Every time he talks, go like this.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- DI SLEET BLOWS RASPBERRY - Yeah?- OK.- He'll like it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Sleet, why haven't you replied to my e-mail?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- DI SLEET MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH - It was flagged as urgent.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- REGGIE BLOWS RASPBERRY - What?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I didn't hear anything, sir. Maybe you're hearing things.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Right, guys, erm... Listen.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Bad sus. I don't know what to do about this but...
0:02:20 > 0:02:22REGGIE BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I don't... What did...? Something, sir.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- Sorry, carry on.- Basically, what's happened is that our best undercover
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- agent, Noel Edmonds has... - REGGIE BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:02:32 > 0:02:34He's... If you do that one more time,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I swear to God I'm going to do something that I regret.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40OK? Could you sit down, please?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44You as well. Guys, bad sus.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Our best undercover agent, Noel Edmonds, has gone missing.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- Oh, God.- Last we heard of Edmonds, yes?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55He was about to go undercover at an assassins' conference
0:02:55 > 0:02:57at the Successville Sanctuary Hotel.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Successville Sanctuary?- Yes. - They have spa facilities.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Yes, there's a spa... - Fluffy dressing gowns.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Sleet! Sleet! I need you to get down there ASAP.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- At once!- This man is in danger.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10If an officer's in danger in a beautiful, luxurious hotel,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- I'm the man to find him. - Good. But be careful, right?
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Because this place right now is a nest of vipers.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Reggie, are you ready to tear down the knickers of this case
0:03:20 > 0:03:22and give it a good spanking?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I like the sound of that, yeah, I'm game.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Then let's go commando.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39We hit the hotel with some fresh new aliases and a cool cover story.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Reg was marrying my pretend kid sister Roxanne
0:03:42 > 0:03:44and this was his stag do.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46And guess who was best man?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Moi.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- Smooth.- Thank you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I feel pretty cool.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Oh, good afternoon!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Do you have a reservation? Do you have a reservation?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09We should have one under Teddy Juniper.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- And...?- Ritzy Lamone.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Ritzy Lamone, nice to meet you. - How you doing?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- Sorry, I didn't get your name. - McIntyre. McIntyre.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I'm the manager of the Successville Sanctuary.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I shall just... I'll look up your booking, I'll look up your booking.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23It's funny, isn't it? It's funny because they call it a booking,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25it's actually written in the book.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Just here in the book.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Where else would you write it?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- PHONE RINGS - Excuse me, gentlemen, just one sec.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Just one sec. Hello? - Bit abrasive, innit?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Imagine being married to that guy. Listen and listen good.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39We now to find out which room Edmonds was in.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43He would have registered under the name Reid Bricks.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Reid Bricks?- Find him in that book.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- I will distract McIntyre. - All right.- Goodbye.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Sorry about that, gentlemen.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Sorry, my brother-in-law was just saying that he can't wait
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- to have sex with my sister. - Oh, good Lord.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59She looks just like him.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- Quite a woman.- Looking forward to climbing the mountain.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Mm!- Yes, that's a little unfair. She's had some trouble...- Harsh.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- Harsh.- Anyway, I was going to say, if you don't mind...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- Of course.- Hey, what's that over there?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Is that a fly?- Have you found it?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- OK. Definitely got it? - Plant and a lamp.- 601.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Lovely lamp and another plant.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22- Is over there.- Oh, no, yes. Anything you want to ask about the hotel?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Can we grab a key?- Yes, of course! Here are your keys.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Two standard keys. - Thank you very much.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29And sleep well.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Is it just me? Is it just me but every time, every time,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I check into a hotel, this happens every time I check into a hotel,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I get into the bed and I say, "This is the comfiest bed
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"I have ever been in." And I spend the next six hours in bed,
0:05:41 > 0:05:45"This is the most uncomfortable bed I have ever been in in my life."
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Might be just you, buddy.- I'm usually just happy I've got a bed.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I sleep in the car most of the time, so...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Marvellous. Well, you...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54You two crazy kids have fun.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56We will do.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Come on, Reggie.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05This door's open. Come in, Yates.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Well, well, well, looks like he's fast asleep.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Ooh. There's a lot of, erm, condom wrappers down here.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Shall we, erm...? - I think that's down to you.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I haven't got my gun with me. Just in case...
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Wowser, wowser, Monsieur Tight Trouser.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Ooh.- God, not the greatest start to a pretend stag do.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30He's got something in his pocket.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32It's... There's a big old bloodstain on it. Shall I, erm...?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- Well, that's the job.- Shall I go for it? Let's see what this is.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Oh. What does that look like to you?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Bullet wound straight through the jam tart.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42OK, it says here that he was investigating Adrian Chiles
0:06:42 > 0:06:44and the Williams... The Williams sisters.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48I'm pretty sure I'm the only person that's ever said the two of those
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- in the same sentence.- Hey, you thinking what I'm thinking?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53No, I'm probably not.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Pick that Johnny up. Have you got a little...?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- No, one of the... That one there. - One of the used ones?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Well, of course.- You want me to pick it up?- Well, yes,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03you're going to have to see if it's got forensics on it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Put it in your pocket, I guess.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Ah, gotcha!- Oh, you're a...
0:07:10 > 0:07:12It's a joke! Of course...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14We know that it's his semen.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Oh, wow.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- You've got to admit that's funny, right?- Yeah, good one.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Hey, do you think these are his?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Probably... - Oh, God, they're wet!
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Oh, God, why in my face, man?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28It seemed something like a little slug or something was in there.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31It's pretty big. This is sort of what I had in mind for your, erm...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- your sister.- Hey, what's this?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36I don't believe it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- What have you found?- Guess what?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- There's some over here, too. - What is it?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Sharon Osbourne's Bandaoke.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- Shall we go tonight?- I mean, it's nothing to do with your case...
0:07:47 > 0:07:49But for your stag do, that could be fun, right?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Let's do it. I figure that will be a good place to go.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54All right, cool. Let's hit up a bar, have a great night
0:07:54 > 0:07:58and tomorrow morning, we'll find out who killed this dickhead.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06# ..like I knew I would
0:08:06 > 0:08:10# I told you I'm trouble
0:08:10 > 0:08:15# You know that I'm no good
0:08:15 > 0:08:18# I cheated myself
0:08:18 > 0:08:23# Like I knew I would
0:08:23 > 0:08:27# I told you I'm trouble
0:08:27 > 0:08:33# You know that I'm no good. #
0:08:33 > 0:08:37APPLAUSE
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Bravo!- Thank you.- Bravo!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Thank you, pussycat.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Well, I'm going to take a short break now,
0:08:45 > 0:08:50but we will be back soon with our first Bandaoke singer
0:08:50 > 0:08:53of the evening.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55DI SLEET PURRS
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Hello. Right, let's not forget why we're here, all right?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I've completely forgotten, that was awesome.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Right, let's talk tactics.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- OK.- What do you think I should start with?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Are you going to sing? - Yes, of course I'm going to sing,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I'm not going to come to the disco and not dance!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12You know what, I am going to go and make a note of some song choices,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- are you going to be OK here? - I'll be fine, yeah.- Just chill.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17OK.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Hey. Hey, Sharon.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Oh!- How're you doing? - You know my name!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Yeah, it's on the flyer.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Oh, darling, and you are?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Ritzy Malone, nice to meet you.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35- Ritzy!- Yeah.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Oh! Oh, wow, OK!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40This is happening! Hey, all right!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Barman.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Soda and lime, please.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- What's a "sorder"?- Soda!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Soda water.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50- Oh.- Soda water.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53You've got an interesting pronunciation thing going on there.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Oh! You are a terrible flirt!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Yeah.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- There you are.- Hey.- There you are.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Erm, I've got a list of some songs. Erm, what's the best kind of vibe?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Hit it up big time? - I'm kind of, doing my thing.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- What?- It was going well.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14- Oh, right.- Yes, have you heard of "three's a crowd"?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Is it a ballad? Is it a... - It's a saying.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- Mate, do one. I'm doing all right. - One, two, three, bye-bye!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Bye-bye!- All right, I get the point, fair enough.- Go on!- OK.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26He's just like a bad smell, isn't he?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Like a really...
0:10:27 > 0:10:29large, bad smell.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Yes! Totally pongy, and you're like a lovely smell.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Thank you.- Oh!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37This is a... You're in my private space.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I was actually told that...
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Do you like being admired, darling?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43- It's OK...- Are you nervous?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- No.- Is Sharon making you nervous?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Well, you said three's a crowd!
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Hey! Hello.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50- This is Lynne.- Hi, Lynne.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Hi.- Where'd you get Lynne from?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Just over there, we were chatting, she's also got Dalmatians.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Is he always like this?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Unfortunately, yes. - I was going to say,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03is it OK if I take the room key?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Whoa.- For me and Lynne.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- Erm...- Well, I'll find it from reception.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Yeah, OK. All right!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Have fun.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18So, what can you tell me about your night?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- I mean, this looks great. - Oh, yes, Bandaoke.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26It's full of lovely people, good men like yourself.
0:11:26 > 0:11:32- Oh, thank you very much.- Last night I met a good, good man.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Oh, he was lovely!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Was he a generous lover? - He was very generous.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42And his tonguing was exquisite!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44This has gone left.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- His "tonguing"?- Tonguing, yes.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48And do you know what, darling?
0:11:48 > 0:11:55- What?- He insisted, absolutely insisted on keeping my panties.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Oh, did he?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Now if that's not love...
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Hey, who likes coincidences?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03- Hello.- Just bumped into this guy,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06he lived down the same road as me when we were kids!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- Oh, wow what!- Yes, it's Matt, right? - Yeah, Matt, yeah, best friends.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Well, kind of best friends. You were in a different gang than me.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Well, nice seeing you again, Matt.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Say hello to your mum and dad. What a great guy!
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Right, you two obviously want to be alone together,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23so why don't you just be alone together.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28I know where I'm not wanted. Kick me when I'm down, goodbye!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Wow, I'm glad I didn't end up actually getting hold of her,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34because she seems quite high maintenance!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Let me get up there and sing.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- What are you going to sing? - I don't know, I'll surprise you.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45You've got this buddy, I believe!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47You're the best!
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- MICROPHONE WHINES - Argh! Whoo!
0:12:51 > 0:12:56All right, everyone. How're you doing out there tonight?
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Whoo!
0:12:58 > 0:13:04# Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
0:13:04 > 0:13:10# Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
0:13:10 > 0:13:16# Still a little hard to say what's going on, man!
0:13:16 > 0:13:21# Still a little bit of your ghost Your witness
0:13:21 > 0:13:26# Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
0:13:26 > 0:13:29# You step a little closer each day
0:13:29 > 0:13:32# So close that I can't see what's going on. #
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- Whoa!- I... Oh. - CYMBOLS CLASH
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Sorry. Sorry. My apologies.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Thank you, thank you.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Dawn broke, and with the sweet sound of my soothing voice still ringing
0:13:45 > 0:13:50in our ears, we headed to meet guns for hire, the Williams sisters.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55OK, the reason why we're here is to try and probe the Williams sisters.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Yeah.- We need to chat to them,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- find out why they might have iced Edmonds.- Yeah.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Oh, well, look-ee here!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Ah, thank you, that's very kind of you.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I absolutely love these!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Mmm!- Actually, that's garnish there.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13That's garnish!
0:14:13 > 0:14:14I was going to say...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I was going to ask her for a drink, but my mouth got full of onions!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Do you think...?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- You smell horrible right now. - As soon as the Williams sisters...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- As soon as we...- Oh, my God!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- Don't get nervous. Don't be scared! - Oh, my God!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Oh! Ooh!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35It's just so strong!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Is there anything...?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41God, look, here comes the Williams sisters now.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Oh!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Hello there!- Hello.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Well, allow us to introduce ourselves.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50We are the Williams sisters, of course.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Thank you.- Who are you guys?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I am Teddy Juniper.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Great.- This is my brother-in-law to be.- Hey, I'm Ritzy Malone.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- That's great, that's great. - Are you OK?- I am.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02So, yeah... Well, why don't we have a sit down, have a coffee,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04if you a few minutes?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Yes, let's do it. Let's go and chinwag.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- Brilliant, let's take a seat. - Look for a mint.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Thank you, thank you very much.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Oh. Oh, wow!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19So, let me start by telling you a bit about us.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Yeah.- We are highly trained,
0:15:21 > 0:15:26we've been doing this for a number of years and we're very busy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27- Yeah.- Well, that's good to be busy.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You wouldn't want to get a killer who hasn't done much killing.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Exactly.- Yeah.- Hey, so, do you have anyone in mind?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Dave Carpenter.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Yeah, he's a mechanic I hired to do my car,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42and he did a pretty shoddy job of it.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Scratched it up real bad,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47also he had sex with my wife behind my back.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- That's terrible!- I'm so sorry.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Thank you, that's very nice of you. - I'd like to ask you some questions.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- OK.- What would you like to ask us?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Obviously, If we are going to employ you,
0:15:56 > 0:15:57I'd love to know, who's the best killer?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59It's pretty much a 50-50 split.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I mean, we are both very highly trained,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04so you have nothing to worry about.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Yeah, sure, that's true, but I have been doing it slightly longer.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09- Right.- Experience.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11OK. So, it's you, you're better?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- OK, but if you're looking at stats per annum...- Uh-huh.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18..you might conclude that my stats are pretty impressive
0:16:18 > 0:16:21for the so-called "less experienced" sister.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Well, that might be,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25because when I decided to take a step back to look after
0:16:25 > 0:16:29the business side, because that's actually very important...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Sure, answering the phones and doing spreadsheets is just as integral
0:16:32 > 0:16:35to what we do as taking actual human lives...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Hey, what are you implying, Serena?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Oh, she's off, she's off, she's off!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43You're doing that to yourself, Mrs businesswoman of the year!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Hey, fuck you! I was killing since you were sucking dicks in college!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Oh, wow!- Oh, wow! She went there. That's pretty harsh.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Oh!- Is cursing in front of the clients helping you to pick up
0:16:51 > 0:16:53this contract? Please, teach me how to be
0:16:53 > 0:16:56such a great fucking businesswoman, you idiot!
0:16:56 > 0:16:57- Whoa.- What is your fucking problem?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01My problem? My problem is I'm a better assassin than you are.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Oh, no, no, wait, that's your problem.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Bullshit you are! I taught you everything you know!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Oh, my God!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- They've got guns!- Tell her I'm the best or she dies.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- No, tell her I'm the best, or I will blow her head off.- Oh-ho-ho!
0:17:15 > 0:17:19I don't want to stand up, because I don't want there to be any ricochet.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I like the way you said that, that was really cool.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I'm going to shoot this motherfucker.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Calm it down. You've done this kind of thing before...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- This kind of thing?!- You must have had women fighting over you before?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- Not with guns!- She needs to know, someone needs to tell her.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Hey! Ladies.
0:17:33 > 0:17:38Listen. You two are sisters.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40That means something.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43This guy here and me are brother-in-laws-to-be.
0:17:43 > 0:17:49- Yeah.- And it breaks my fricking heart to think of us falling out.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- You are right... - So, put the guns down!
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Yes, just please stop talking.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- I think you should listen to her. - You're right.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- You're right.- Let's take a chill pill, the four of us.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- I'm sorry.- If you're happy with everything,
0:18:00 > 0:18:01can I just get you to sign...
0:18:01 > 0:18:03On that dotted line.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Ritzy, if you sign there, please.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Just right there, on that line.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08OK, cool, done.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11'With final suspect Adrian Chiles nowhere to be seen,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15'me and Reg decided to get some us time at the spa.'
0:18:20 > 0:18:22And, away we go.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- You all right? - Yeah, just thinking about stuff.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Excited about the spa?- Yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Hey, you got any ink?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- There's a little tattoo, there. - Yeah, a little bit, yeah.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Oh, wow.- Yeah.- Pretty cool.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Yeah. How about yourself?- Yeah, I got one, it's on my titty there.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Quite close to the nipple, did it hurt on the...?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Yeah. Do you know, I've got really small nipples for a big guy?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- Yeah...- And really sensitive, don't tickle my nipple!
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- I definitely...- Don't tickle! Don't tickle it!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Pretty sure I won't. - Don't tickle it!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- I won't.- Don't tickle it.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- There you go.- Reggie, stop it! - Oh, my God.- You are crazy!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Sorry, you in or out?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Now's probably a good time to make your minds up!
0:19:08 > 0:19:09We're staying in.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Yeah.- OK, I don't know, something like that I imagine, anyway.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13You know. Here we go.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16(Hey, do you want to...?)
0:19:16 > 0:19:19What level are you going to, pray tell?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Four, please.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- All right.- Fore!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Like in golf. Do you play golf?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26- I don't, no.- No, I don't, no.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I couldn't hit a barn door from three yards!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Do you know what I mean? I'm that bad, I really am.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- He was on the list.- Yes, he was on the list and the Williams...
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I say, it's great weather for ducks, isn't it?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- What, sorry? - Great weather for ducks.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- What's a "dook"?- Ducks.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- A "dook"?- It's raining. You must have heard of a duck before.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- What's a "dook"?- Ducks, you know, quack, quack?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Oh, "ducks"!- Ducks, yeah...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- OK, got you.- Oh, here we go, flipping Nora!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55This lift is an absolute joke, I tell you that.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- What's happened?- Absolute joke!
0:19:57 > 0:19:58This is just sod's law, isn't it?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- What's wrong, mate? - We're stuck in the bloody lift.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02- Not again.- Why, are you not good in lifts?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04No, I'm not good in lifts or tight spaces.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Just breathe, you're all right, you're all right.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I'm glad I had a big breakfast, anyway.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11We didn't.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Black pudding...- Right.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17..sausage, beans, mushroom, a little bit of toast,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- a little bit of butter...- OK, what...?- A little bit of bacon...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- What has that got to do with it?- Are you going to go through
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- your whole breakfast?!- A little bit of jam, cereal...
0:20:25 > 0:20:26What's going on in this lift?!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28What's going on in this lift?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Oh, gee whiz.- Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Oh, dear, he's gone down.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Hey, you know what they say, don't you?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- What?- Careful who you get stuck in a lift with.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Yeah, they do, yeah.- Could just be anyone, couldn't it?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- You've suddenly gone a bit... - What?- ..a bit serious.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Yeah, cos now you're stuck alone in a lift with the most notorious
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- killer in the Western Hemisphere, aren't you?- Oh, I guess I am, yeah.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Hey, I've got a question for you, mate?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- What's this thing in the middle of my face?- It's your nose?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56It's my fucking nose, isn't it?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57- Yeah.- It's my nose, it's a very good nose.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01- Do you know why?- Go on.- It can smell a fucking copper from 30 miles away.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Do I look like a cop to you?!- You fucking do look like a copper to me,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07and I can stink it. I can smell it coming out of your arsehole.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Why are you getting so...?- You're not used to these kind of scenarios,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- are you, my friend? Shall we play a little game?- Depends on the...
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Let's play a little game. I like my games!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- There is no need for that.- I tell you what, see this thing here,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I'm going to point it at your friend there, OK?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- I'm on my stag!- Should I go for the head or the heart?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- I don't think you should go... - I'm going to go for the heart.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I'm a bit of a heart man, myself.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Genuinely, I just want to have a good time here at the hotel.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Well I'm sorry you're going to have a good time on your own, aren't you?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Goodbye, my friend.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Oh! Oh, no, it's all right, I was only kidding.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Oh, God.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Wake up, copper!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Copper? Did you tell him we're cops?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- No!- You fool, you idiot!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46No, I didn't tell him a thing.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I faint for 30 seconds, you tell him we're cops!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Well, he didn't actually, but now I know you are,
0:21:51 > 0:21:53and you're up shit creek without a paddle.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- That's not good, is it?- Fucking idiot.- Don't call me an idiot,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I didn't know, I was fainting!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I'm guessing these two pair of erections are with you.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07That's right and they're two of the biggest erections in town.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11So, if you don't want them to spurt all over your faces...
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Oh.- ..you know, because, I'm trying to tell a joke, you know, like you,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- because they're like penises.- All right.- All right, I'm not a bloody
0:22:17 > 0:22:19comedian, all right? I'm just a bloody hit man!
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- What about this one, here you go. - Oh, fucking hell.- Do you know,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- actually, just shoot me.- I saw a pigeon the other day in the middle
0:22:25 > 0:22:27of the street, it'd been run over by a bus.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Flat as a pancake.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32What? That's not a joke, that's horrible...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34All right, all right, I know I'm not bloody...
0:22:34 > 0:22:37There's no quitting this guy, is there?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I'll leave you in the capable hands of my associates.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I wouldn't wind them up if I were you,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43they can get a little trigger-happy.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Oh, really?- Still raining outside.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Still, great weather for ducks.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Quack...quack.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Lee? Lee Figgis?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I used to go out with your mum.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I've never been so offended in all my life!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Yes, and I eat at dirty restaurants.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06You think you're tough, picking on a guy in a dressing gown,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08when you've got guns and jackets!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Sometimes if you shout loud enough at bad guys, they back down.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It didn't work today, did it, Sleet?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Look at us now, stuck in a fridge.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20It's pretty shit, really, isn't it?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- So, what do we do now? - One thing we don't do is give up.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26All right, Sleet, think, think. You were in the Scouts.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31How do you stay alive? First things first, food.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34We must eat to keep our strength up.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Now?- Yes, we're stuck in a fridge, this is an emergency situation!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You man the door, start shouting for help.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- I'll be back as soon as I can. - All right.- What the hell...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, hello.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48You'll never guess what I found.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Go on. Oh, shit!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53We can live off onions!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Onions are one of the best things for your heart.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00All right, can you take the onion back over that way?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- I didn't peel this one properly. - No, you didn't peel it at all!
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I'm starting to think you've got a problem with me eating onions!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- Yeah!- They're good for your brain! - Oh, mate.- Help!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Help!- Hey!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Someone!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- Hello, hello? Hello? - Who's that?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- No-one, sorry.- That's McIntyre, the slimy weasel!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25McIntyre, do us a favour, mate, get us out of here!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28No, no, no, I'm afraid that would be an awful idea!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Mr Chiles has insisted that I keep you in this room,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32and he's a very dangerous man.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35You're working with Chiles?! You fiend, you scoundrel!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I do not wish to disappoint him, no, thank you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Right, listen. Let me think outside the box.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45If there's one thing hotel managers hate, it's criticising their hotels.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- OK.- McIntyre!
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- Yes?- I've got some complaints about your hotel, man.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Last night I was trying to get to sleep, and I switched off the TV,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56but there were so many lights on the thing,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58it was like there were aliens in my room!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- It was crazy! - Oh, that's so, so annoying!
0:25:01 > 0:25:02You're trying to sleep...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- He's off again. - Yeah, but at the moment,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- we're just getting him to talk more. - We are, we're just giving him...
0:25:07 > 0:25:09..and there's just one light, flashing,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- blinking at you on the television... - I didn't want to go this dark
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- and this weird, but just follow my lead.- ..right in your face,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- you can't see...- McIntyre! - Is it just me?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20McIntyre, I didn't want to say this, but we've got your wife in here!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23What? My darling wife, are you in there?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- HE IMITATES A WOMAN'S VOICE: Yeah! - Are you in there, darling?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Yeah, I'm here. Argh! MCINTYRE GASPS
0:25:27 > 0:25:31I will let you out immediately. I love you!
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Argh!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Bloody hell!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37DISTANT SIRENS WAIL
0:25:37 > 0:25:40OK, OK, settle down, all right, calm down, everybody.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Come on, all right.
0:25:42 > 0:25:48It is my dubious pleasure to present my very own dead talk.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50It was my idea, that!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Is he laughing? No, OK.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Just a bit of fun with the title, there.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58No, no, just really as a kind of a pickaxe...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Hang on a minute, I don't mean pickaxe, do I?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02What do I mean? I mean icebreaker.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05There we go, there we go. We are off now, we're off!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I thought something smelled!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10No, in all seriousness,
0:26:10 > 0:26:14it has been a bumper year for the assassination industry...
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Everybody freeze!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Successville PD checking in!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I don't think it's very advisable to have a Mexican stand-off
0:26:22 > 0:26:25in a room full of professional hit men, Sleet!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29That's the thing about me, Chiles.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I ain't never been much good at taking advice.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37Kid, you need to shoot whoever you think killed Noel Edmonds.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39You did it, Osbourne!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41SHE SCREAMS
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Yeah!
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Ah, God, it's so good, just killing assassins!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55How amazing.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57What the fuck is going on?!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Oh, no, what is that?!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04What's that?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06How long has he been there?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10He has just been freshly maimed, sir.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13This had better be good.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14- Osbourne did it.- Oh, did she?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- Yeah.- That's why he killed her.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I killed the rest, sir, I took the others out.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I would love to hear your reasoning.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23I was pretty sure it was the Williams sisters,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25because there were two glasses by the side of the bed
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- with lipstick on it...- Right. - ..but then when I met Osbourne,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31she said it was her pants that were in the room, and, well,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34I had a feeling that she might have planted that book in his pocket,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37because there were two names on it, and her name wasn't on there.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42I am very, very impressed, Reggie...
0:27:42 > 0:27:47with how much of a fuck-up this is!
0:27:47 > 0:27:51It was the Williams sisters, of course it was!
0:27:51 > 0:27:55You saw the lipstick on the two champagne glasses
0:27:55 > 0:27:58that matched their lipstick, yeah?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00They also showed you their portfolio.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02If you had had your wits about you,
0:28:02 > 0:28:08you would have spotted a post-it note that said "Bricks 601,"
0:28:08 > 0:28:11that was Edmonds' alias and room number, yeah?
0:28:11 > 0:28:17- Ah!- He was investigating them, which is why they wanted him dead.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20The only other person that could have done it, of course,
0:28:20 > 0:28:23is Adrian Chiles. But it wasn't him, was it,
0:28:23 > 0:28:27because he checked into the hotel after you'd already arrived.
0:28:27 > 0:28:33Yeah. Sharon Osbourne wasn't even a suspect!
0:28:34 > 0:28:37She was so sexually aggressive, I thought she might
0:28:37 > 0:28:38- have had it in her.- Go home!
0:28:38 > 0:28:40POLICE RADIO CRACKLES
0:28:40 > 0:28:41Hey, Steve.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Oh.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- Dammit, kid.- I cocked up. I'm really sorry I let you down, Sleet.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51- Don't apologise to me. - Yeah, but it was fun.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55- It's been great!- Yeah.- It's been the best two days of my fricking life!
0:28:55 > 0:28:56Ah, that's nice.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59I want to give you something...
0:28:59 > 0:29:02No, not the bum bag!
0:29:02 > 0:29:07It's yours. Come on, let's go get a drink, amigo.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11# Going loco down in Acapulco
0:29:11 > 0:29:15# If you stay too long
0:29:15 > 0:29:19# Yes, you'll be going loco down in Acapulco
0:29:19 > 0:29:23# The magic down there is so strong
0:29:23 > 0:29:27# Feel the pressure Your back's against the wall
0:29:27 > 0:29:30# Love is gaining on you You're just about to fall. #