0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Hello, my name is Stephen, better known to some of you as Professor Green.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10But today, I'm becoming a copper
0:00:10 > 0:00:13and being thrown into a live murder mystery.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15I've got no script and no idea what's going to happen to me.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19So, wish me luck as I try to solve a murder in Successville.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26'Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30'Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law -
0:00:30 > 0:00:33'and when they do, I'm here to bring them down.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35'I'm DI Sleet.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39'On my passport, under profession, it just says Rule Breaker.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44'And under date of birth, it says mind your own goddamn business.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48'Sure, it makes international travel incredibly difficult,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51'but that's just the kind of guy I am.'
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Hey, I just made you a cake.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Just a small gesture.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Oh, nice.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Hey, Mr Grylls, well done on your promotion.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Cake?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I made you a cake because I think you're amazing.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Sanctimonious, condescending, preening, pious,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19holier-than-thou piss-drinking...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21WANKER!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24You OK? Something grinding your gears, Chief? What's up?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Bear-fucking-Grylls, who else?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Our new soon-to-be Police Commissioner...
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Oh, let us all bow, you twat.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Chief, I mean, this is all a bit OTT, don't you think?
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Chillax.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38What's that?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Ah, nothing. Just a cake I made for the new Commissioner.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Just to say well done.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Hey, do you know what else I got?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46This.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Best bit of all?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- CARD:- 'You have the right to remain sexy.'
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Well, very...
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Politically astute, Sleet.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Thank you, Chief. Thank you very much.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Rookie? Hi.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- How are you doing? You all right, mate?- Yeah, I'm OK...mate.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Yeah, what's your name?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Stephen.- Stephen. Hi, Stephen.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11This hulking, brown-nosing toad is DI Sleet.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13He's your boss for today.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17You two should get on like a house that's actually on fire.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Mmm! Is that grenadine?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Yes, it is, Sir. Well noticed.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Delicious.- A little bit of saffron, bit of brandy really brings it out.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Just like my mother makes it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Well, that's your mother's recipe.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- What?- Well, we hook up on Mumsnet.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33She gives me recipes, knitting tips.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- He knows your mum?- Yeah. She's a hell of a woman, let me tell you.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- I mean, she's nothing much to look at...- Stop, stop!
0:02:39 > 0:02:40..but she's got a lovely personality.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Stop talking to the rookie about my mother, please.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44You should phone her more.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48I want you two to get down to the press conference right now
0:02:48 > 0:02:51for our beloved new Police Commissioner.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Yes, and make sure that nothing untoward happens to him,
0:02:54 > 0:02:59like him choking on his own sanctimonious bullshit, yes?
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Right.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Stephen, let's see what our new Commissioner has in store for
0:03:03 > 0:03:04this city of sin.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Hey, do you want to get some doughnuts on the way?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I want you to think of Successville as an ocean.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Once teeming with life,
0:03:15 > 0:03:20but now, a layer of scum has formed over the top of the water,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22blocking out the light.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24It's in a state of decay.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Criminals look down at us from their ivory towers.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- Pricks.- So much so that we rely on a masked vigilante,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33The Rattman, to protect us.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34That sounds pretty cool, huh?
0:03:34 > 0:03:39And, worst of all, there is an enemy at the gates of Successville.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41And their name is The Termite.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46And I, along with a few good, brave men...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Did he point at... He pointed at me then, right?
0:03:48 > 0:03:52..intend to stamp The Termite out!
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Yes!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Well said, Commissioner.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Well said.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04EVIL CACKLE
0:04:06 > 0:04:07The Termite is here.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Stephen, tend to him.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Everybody, up, up, up!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Don't you write about this or I'll blow your head off.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Give that to Sleet.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Get out! Are you The Termite? Are you The Termite?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Listen to me.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27I have whittled the identity of The Termite down to three people.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Those three people are on that bit of paper.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Acid is making my internal organs fail.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39My ability to narrate what is happening to me diminishing.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Tell Sleet that I believe in him. - I will.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44And that he carries himself well for a big man.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45- He'll like that.- Catch The Termite.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51That didn't actually work out as coolly as I thought it would.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Did he say anything, Stephen?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58He said you carry yourself very well for a bigger man.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Did he really say that?- Yeah.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02We must give this man a send-off he deserves.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Right. Out of the way.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Betsy, his wife, is going to be devastated.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Poor bloke.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Come here.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Give this man the dignity he deserves.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Give this man the dignity he deserves!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Coming through!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Coming through!
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Coming through!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I'm actually... I'm just regretting.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- That's it.- Let's put him down softly. Softly! Oh, God.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Are you OK?- No, I'm worried about, I know he's dead...
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Don't worry, it's fine. Let's get him out.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34It's easier if we get him back here.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- That's fine. - I know he's dead, but...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39We are going to catch The Termite if it's the last thing we do.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43First name on Grylls' list, corrupt tech zillionaire Piers Morgan.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Time to dance the undercover jig once more.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Look at them, disgusting worms.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Crawling through their sad little lives,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57staring down at the ground, waiting to die.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01That's why I built this tower.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04To give them something to aspire to.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08You're quite fat, aren't you?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Me?- Look at you, fatso.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- You fat, silly butterfly... - All right...
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- ..flapping your grubby wings in my office.- I...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I ought to pull off those fat wings and stick you to the wall,
0:06:19 > 0:06:20- didn't I, fatso?- Well, I...
0:06:20 > 0:06:22What have you got to say to that, prick?
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Well, I'm not actually a butterfly.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27No, I didn't say you were, I said you're like a butterfly, you idiot.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28I... OK.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Did you overeat as a child?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31No! I mean, I was partial...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Is it because of the relationship with your mother?
0:06:33 > 0:06:34What?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Your Oedipal relationship,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38where you subconsciously wanted to have sex with her?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39I can assure you that...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41You wanted to have sex with your own mother, didn't you?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43No, I... No, I didn't.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44What does your mother do?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- She's sexy... Sex...- Sexy?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- She's a sex...- She's a sexy mummy?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51She's a typist, sir, a typist. A good, honest typist.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Interesting.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- It's a hell of a view you have up here. Beautiful.- Mmm.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I practically own this city.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I suppose Commissioner Grylls was going to change all that with his...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Don't mention that filthy name in here.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Commissioner Grylls was taking us back to the Dark Ages.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13He was against progress.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Businesses must go forwards and upwards.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16OK.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20What is it that brings you up here into the realm of the gods, anyway?
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Well, I am nothing but a simple robot salesman
0:07:24 > 0:07:27by the name of robot, Rob, Rob... My name is Robert.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30You're a robot salesman by the name of Robert Salesman?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I am a robot salesman by the name of Robert Salesman.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Or a Robert salesman by the name of Robot Salesman?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- No, I sell robots...- Well, which one is it, Robert or robot?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- My name is Robert Salesman. - It's very confusing.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41If you let me explain, it's not actually that hard.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- What's this?- This is my prototype, my life's work.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45This is Frank.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Hmm.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- It's a funny-looking thing, isn't it?- Yes.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I thought they were meant to be physically impressive.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55It's actually very realistic.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58It has almost human skin.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59How do you turn it on?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Just with its right nipple.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Turn it on, then. Don't muck about, do it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Come on, prat.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10It's not coming on.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Frank! Frank.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- Frank.- Sometimes it works with a click.- Ah, very good.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Very good.- So, what can this Robert of yours do?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Robot, this is a robot...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Wrong nipple.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Er, what?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Wrong nipple.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Wrong nipple?- Oh, yes! I was pressing the left...
0:08:27 > 0:08:31You pressed the wrong...? Well, press the correct nipple then, please, dicksplat.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Oh, now I've turned him off.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36You've turned him off again. What's the point of you, you ugly freak?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38You ought to be in the circus.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39- Turn him on then.- Yep.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42There he is.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Open for business.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46You were telling me what it could do. It can do things, can't it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48It doesn't just stand there, looking gormless.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Well, of course it can do things. This is one of the most...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I wouldn't put that on display if I were you.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I'd do everything I could to hide it.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- I'm sorry, my apologies... - You ought to wear a fucking corset.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Sorry!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Why is the robot laughing?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05He's built with manners and laughter.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Two of my favourite things.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Two things I'd like you to eradicate immediately if I buy one of these.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Well, I can't delete them, because I think they're important.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Well, you're an idiot.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Well, I'm not nasty like you are.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I'm not nasty, I just tell the truth.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I tell what I see and I see a big barrel of cream cakes
0:09:22 > 0:09:26covered in skin, and I don't like it.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I haven't laughed my entire life.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I stopped laughing the day I earnt my first pound.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32It's a sign of weakness.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Can it kill a man?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- What?- I want it to kill this pesky Rattman.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Well, I've heard The Rattman is anything but a pest.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44In fact, he is a durable and sweet saviour of this city.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Unlike The Termite.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Do you know anything of The Termite?
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Yes, I do. I understand that they're a cop killer, a sadist.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Mother killed in a botched police operation.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Stepfather drank.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Beat them, starved them.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Rumour has it they grew up in an abandoned timber mill.- Right.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08They had to eat that wood to survive.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09- Like a termite.- Like a termite.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Very clever.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14You're not just a big chunk of flesh after all, are you?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Well...- You big blob.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18I don't think I'm interested.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20On your way, Mr robot salesman.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Take your robot and dump it in the river.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26I don't ever want to see it again.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I've never brought anyone down here before, Stephen.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39But I have a secret to tell you.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41A secret I've never told anyone.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Do you know what it is?
0:10:44 > 0:10:45I'm Rattman.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49What?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51You're the masked vigilante?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Yes.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Sod off.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56What do you mean, "Sod off"? What's so unbelievable about that?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Follow me.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00What is so funny about that?
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Well, I mean...
0:11:02 > 0:11:06I am the masked vigilante that keeps this city safe.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08You're not... You're not joking?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10No, I'm not joking. This is serious.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- All right, all right.- We're up against The Termite.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- OK.- To catch a supervillain, you must be a superhero.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17OK.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I've got to a point where I can't do it on my own.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Will you be the mouse to my rat?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26More pacifically, will you be the dormouse to my rat?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Yeah, go on, then.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I thought you'd be a bit more excited.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I genuinely thought if I showed you all this cool stuff,
0:11:32 > 0:11:36you'd walk down here and go, "What?! What?! What?!"
0:11:36 > 0:11:38And you're like, "Oh, yeah, cool, whatever."
0:11:38 > 0:11:40No, I'm well for it. Of course.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I can see it in you.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Are you ready for this?
0:11:44 > 0:11:45I am.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Then, get your squeak on.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49On me.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Here's my weapons wall.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Right.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02If we are truly going to be rodents of the night,
0:12:02 > 0:12:07the night must become the day and the day must become the night.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Oh, for crying out loud.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15That'd have been really cool if we'd got away with that.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Thank you, Lowecroft, that was supposed to be really cool.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18What?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- I was just doing a thing with the lights.- Hey.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Who are you?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Who do I look like? I'm Dormouse, mate.- No, mate, not any more.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I'm afraid he's taking it off you.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Sorry, Sid. Let me take this.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29You can't take Dormouse off me.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- It's quite warm.- I've been doing this for 15 years.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Badly.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34We built all this together, mate.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Well, yeah, I mean, I did a lot of the hard labour.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Like, wrote The Rattman theme tune together.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40We have a theme tune. You'll have to learn it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Are you any good with singing?
0:12:42 > 0:12:43No.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45# Rattman! Rising from the sewers
0:12:45 > 0:12:48# Rattman! His bite has no cure
0:12:48 > 0:12:51# Rattman! Totally free from diseases
0:12:51 > 0:12:54# Rattman! He does as he pleases. #
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Oh, God. Well, Sid, we had some good times...- Yeah.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01..but there can't be any more.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Stephen's young and virile, full of fire.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Look at you, Sid.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10What are your superhero powers? You have asthma, you get car-sick.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12You're the only superhero I know who wears a sports bra.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Your days are up, kid.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17It's disappointing.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18- Go and make us a cup of tea.- Yeah?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Yeah, milk, two sugars, please. - Two sugars, right.- Good little lad.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22- Go on, run along.- Cheers, Sid.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Oh, Sid, of course.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25- Erm, the mask.- The what?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Stephen needs the mask.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Good lad, good lad.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31- Thank you.- All right.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34And, of course, the Dormouse knickers.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36You have to take those off, too. He'll need those.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37I'm not wearing the pants, mate.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Jesus Christ!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Sorry, Stephen, no-one needs to see that. Get out of here at once!
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Pull your knickers up and get out.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You don't wear pants underneath your superhero pants!
0:13:48 > 0:13:49- You look disgusted.- I am disgusted.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Right, I could stand here all day and talk about
0:13:53 > 0:13:55how disgusting Sid Lowecroft is...
0:13:56 > 0:13:59..but we've got a termite we need to crush.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04The crime buffet's open and I'm ordering a justice burger for two
0:14:04 > 0:14:06with a side order of kick-ass.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Next up, suspect deux.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Local reporter Beyonce.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13BTW, deux is French for "two".
0:14:13 > 0:14:16We are investigating the recent horrific murder of our
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Police Commissioner, Bear Grylls.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I believe you were writing a story on him.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21That's right.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22What did you find out about him?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Well, I know he wasn't the white knight everyone said he was.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28He was a good man.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Too good for this crummy city, right?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Well, do you know what? The police in this town, you know, they just
0:14:33 > 0:14:36get fat polishing their badges and then picking up their bribe money.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38But at least we've got Rattman.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Oh, you like Rattman, huh?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43I heard about The Rattman.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Yeah. What did you hear about him?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I've heard he's got an incredible new partner.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Well, I'm not sure about that.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I think The Rattman is still the cooler of the two, right?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Would you say that Rattman is cooler than Dormouse,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- from what you've heard? - Not from what I've heard.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Well, I think you'll find that...
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I think you'll find that Rattman's the leader of the two of them.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Believe me, I'm still a huge, huge fan of Rattman. Ah!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Just, you know, giving his life for the city.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Now, there is a real hero.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10You know what? It makes me want to rip off his mask and...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13..all the rest of it.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Well, that's pretty interesting.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Can I just have a
0:15:19 > 0:15:21talk to my colleague?
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Sure, go ahead.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Stephen, come here at once.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Oh, God!
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Oh, sweet God.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28She's not worth it.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29She is worth it.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I think if she knew I was The Rattman, she'd have sex with me.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34You don't fucking tell her that you're Rattman.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37We were just talking about Stephen.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39He's just thinking of buying a new car.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- Yeah.- Yeah.- He laughed at me because I was going to buy a Prius.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Oh.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46And I'm a vegan.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Yeah, he's a vegan, too.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50So am I.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- We have so much in common. - Oh, really?- I'm a vegan as well.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Really?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I am a vegan. I'm a vegan, too.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59You were eating a burger this morning.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00I didn't!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03He's joking! I'm a vegan as well.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04I'm a vegan, too.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05You were eating a burger this morning.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08You had double patty.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09I'm a vegan.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10From now.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I'm a vegan, just started now.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I just have a few questions about the case to ask.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17OK.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20What would you do if you ever met The Rattman?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I would whisper in his ear.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23What would you whisper?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I'd whisper this.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28What?
0:16:28 > 0:16:29You'd do that?
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Is it hot in here?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35It's getting hot.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Yeah.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I'm going to have to excuse myself.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41What do you mean?
0:16:41 > 0:16:42I think I parked on a double yellow line.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Yeah, in a police car. You're not going to get a ticket, are you?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46I might.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Are you all right to ask questions? - Yep.- Great, OK.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I'll take care of it. You go take care of yourself.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52OK. Oh!
0:16:52 > 0:16:53I'll be as quick as I can.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I'll see you in a minute.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57OK, so, do you have any questions for me?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Yeah, we are investigating the death of the late and
0:17:01 > 0:17:03great Commissioner Grylls and I was wondering what you knew about him.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05OK.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07So, check this.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10These are the facts on Commissioner Grylls.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"Rookie PC Grylls to blame."
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"Woman dies in botched police operation."
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Anyway, so you boys are looking for The Termite, right?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Yeah, what do you know about The Termite?- OK, well.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25So, I was writing a feature on him, called The Man Behind The Mask.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26This is his police file.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Take a look.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Nothing.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31I see what you did there.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35It takes someone who's very powerful to delete their history, you know?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Or someone who's high up in the police, let's say.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39What are you suggesting?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41You know, everybody has their secrets.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I could be The Termite, you know?
0:17:44 > 0:17:45You could be The Termite?
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Maybe I'm The Termite, you know?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50I mean, I could be just about to gut you like a fish and just leave you
0:17:50 > 0:17:53here dead on the floor with all the dust and all the newspapers
0:17:53 > 0:17:54and all that shit.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Someone call for a Rattman?
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Why didn't you use the door?
0:18:04 > 0:18:08I used the window because it's cooler that way.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09OK.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I believe that you...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14..have a crush on me.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15I may do, yes.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Listen, when you need me,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21look towards the sky.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Oh, I thought that was going to slide.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26And I'll be there.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Oh, I will.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29You'll definitely be seeing me around, Rattman.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Not if you see me first.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34God.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Thank you, Rattman.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43SMACKS HIS LIPS
0:18:46 > 0:18:47BURPS
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Nice kiss.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06It's crime-fighting time.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Stephen, to the other side of the room at once.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19The final chapter of this story of death and destruction.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Our last suspect,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Chief Ramsay.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Ramsay.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27See what we can find out.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Behind you, there's a chest of drawers.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Find what you can.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Oh, wait a minute.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36What?
0:19:38 > 0:19:39There is a load of cards that say...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Wait there, I'm coming over.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46That didn't really feel like that was much of a...
0:19:46 > 0:19:47- That didn't really...- It...
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Yeah, I banged my knee on the desk.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- Are you OK?- I'm fine. I'm seriously, OK.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53All right, just worried, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54These all say The Termite,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57which leads me to believe perhaps, as Grylls gave made two pieces of
0:19:57 > 0:19:59paper, one was one of these cards.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Yes.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02And we found them in Ramsay's office.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- This is my thinking superhero face. - But has he been set up?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Yes, indeed.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I think you look like you're thinking.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Exactly, right?
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Yes.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Pensive.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Indeed.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Perfect.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Wait there. My rat senses tell me someone is coming.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Quick.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20We must hide.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23It's going to be Ramsay.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Hide behind my cloak of invincibility.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Actually, invisibility.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Oh, God.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Well, well, well.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Look what the rat dragged in.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Rattman?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43What are you doing here?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I'm gnawing away at the hay bale of crime.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Wow.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Wow, I must say I'm impressed and terrified by you two.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54How about these dice?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56We've all been looking for The Termite, but where better for
0:20:56 > 0:21:01The Termite to hide than in the very halls of the people trying to hunt him?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04And the man that's sending out the hunters.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06That's good. That's really, really, really good.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Great police work. It's ridiculous, preposterous!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Really?- Yes, it is. Where is your proof?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14What have you got to say about these cards?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I don't have to stand here and answer these questions.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Yes, you do.- Yes, you do.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19No, I don't.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Yes, you do.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21No, I don't.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Yes, you do.
0:21:23 > 0:21:2825 years in the force and what have I got to show for it, eh?
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Well, you're a chief.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I'm not Commissioner, though, am I?
0:21:31 > 0:21:38Dormouse, I sometimes feel that I'm all alone in a world of chaos
0:21:38 > 0:21:40except for one man who...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43..who... Well...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Sleet.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- What?- Yeah, this guy called Sleet.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51He works for me and he's...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54..he's a good man.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Sleet's a good man.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00He doesn't need a mask to fight crime.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01He just does it.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06He doesn't need a big stinking rat costume and his own personal gimp.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Why don't you tell him this to his face?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09I think he knows.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11He has no idea.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13No idea that you think all these things about him.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15He thinks you hate him, you know?
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Actually, do you hate him?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I don't know. Maybe, in my own little way,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I'm trying to protect him.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Because people who get close to me...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27..end up dead a lot of the time.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Who else close to you has died?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Good question.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32A lot of policemen.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Those cards you're holding there, yes?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Every single one of those cards was found on the body
0:22:41 > 0:22:44of a dead policeman who was killed by The Termite.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I'm too close to this one.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Grill him like I can't.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I don't believe you.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55The Termite is not responsible for this many deaths, yeah?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Oh, yes, he is, my friend.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- How would you know?- You fancy yourself as a superhero?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01You're not a superhero.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02I'm a fucking superhero.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- Well, fly, then. - I don't need to fly.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05- Fly.- I don't need to fly.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Rattman's a superhero and he doesn't fly.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09You remind me of somebody.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10- That's that!- Have we met before?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12We've never met before.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Dormouse, heel!
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Heel, sweet Dormouse.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21You two...what is the relationship between you two?
0:23:21 > 0:23:22We are friends.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Oh, yeah? Seems a bit kinky to me, boys.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26It's not kinky. It's friendship.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27You wouldn't understand,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30cos you've never had a friend in your whole life.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33And how about this as the kicker?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36You couldn't take it. You couldn't take it as second.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38So what happens?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39You don't get the job...
0:23:40 > 0:23:42..so you kill for it.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Let me tell you something!
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I have witnessed what The Termite can do
0:23:47 > 0:23:53and I will never, ever, ever let that happen to one of my men again.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Easy, now.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Yeah, come on! You feel big?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Yeah, come on, big boy.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Blinding dust!
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Blinding dust!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Blinding dust!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Blinding dust!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Have you got any things on your belt?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I can't see my belt.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09What are you doing?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11You wait to see what's coming next.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Oh, fuck me.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13What is this?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Blinding... Blinding dog-poo bag!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Blinding pistachio nutshells!
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Are you blind yet?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21No?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22- Can you still see?- Yeah.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Blinding pistachio nutshells!
0:24:24 > 0:24:28All right, boys, listen, I have got a lot of work to do.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Maybe you could just, yeah, fuck off?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- Blinding pistachio shells! - Yeah, could you just...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- How are you now? You can't see us. - ..fuck off, please?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- He's blind.- Guys, come on.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38- Chop, chop. - Come on, let's go, Dormouse.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41You might get a last pint if you go quickly.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42It was time to finish this.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Using my rat signal,
0:24:43 > 0:24:47I entice The Termite to a local shoe-buckle factory.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Are you scared, Stephen?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I'm not scared, I'm prepared.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55HE SNIFFS
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- That's not me.- No.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58It's The Termite.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01He's here.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Hello, Rattman.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15I've waited a long time for this.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Let's do this.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Dormouse!
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Dormouse!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Take the shot!
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Rattman, you all right?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- Yes, Dormouse.- Thank fuck for that.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48You saved my life.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49You'd have been all right.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Thank you, Dormouse-stroke-Stephen Dormouse.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Steve...Dormouse.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Dormouse.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Dormouse.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Commissioner Grylls!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I saw you die.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I had to do it.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05I had to pretend that I was dead.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Nobody could know.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11The only way to catch The Termite was to flush them out.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12I'm emotionally scarred.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14You're the first person I ever saw die.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Well, now you've never seen anyone die.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19I'm happy. I'm glad to see you back.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22The Dormouse found out who The Termite was.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23He took them down.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Who do you think The Termite is?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29That nasty journalist we met, Beyonce.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Why?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33She had motive. She didn't like the police for something that
0:26:33 > 0:26:36she believed that you did earlier on in your career.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38And she was a psycho.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40She told me she would gut me like a fish and leave me all over
0:26:40 > 0:26:44her dirty floor which, by the way, was really dirty.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Shall we unmask them?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Please, don't be Beyonce.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Be Beyonce.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53- Oh!- Yes!- Cram it!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I don't know what to do, I have such mixed emotions right now.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I'm going to get you, Rattman.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02EVIL LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:07COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING
0:27:08 > 0:27:13Well, I can safely say I don't want to have sex with this any more.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Congratulations.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Of course, it was Beyonce.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Your instincts were correct.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Piers Morgan told you that The Termite's mother had died.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Mother killed in a botched police operation.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30And, of course, that meant that it was Beyonce, because she had a
0:27:30 > 0:27:32"RIP Mum" tattoo.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36I killed her mother and she never forgave me.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"Rookie PC Grylls to blame."
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"Woman dies in botched police operation."
0:27:40 > 0:27:42And it couldn't have been Piers.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I haven't laughed my entire life.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47And The Termite has a distinctive laugh.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49And it couldn't have been Ramsay,
0:27:49 > 0:27:50because his mother is still alive.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Mm, just like my mother makes it.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- And he's a good bloke. - And he's a very good bloke.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56He is an angry bloke.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59He's angry but, you know, look, we all have issues.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Dormouse, you have been the greatest of sidekicks.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05You've been there when I needed you most.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07You never questioned me.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09You were the fire in my gut.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12That's why I can't let you make this journey with me any more.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I must fight this fight...
0:28:15 > 0:28:16alone.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18One last thing.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Yes?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Who are you?
0:28:22 > 0:28:23I can't tell you that, Commissioner.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49TERMITE CACKLES
0:28:53 > 0:28:54Urgh.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Damn!
0:28:57 > 0:28:58GRUNTING
0:29:03 > 0:29:05GASPING