0:00:02 > 0:00:04Criminals look down on us from their ivory towers.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06So much so that we rely on a masked vigilante, the Rattman,
0:00:06 > 0:00:08to protect us.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10It's crime-fighting time.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I'm going to get you, Rattman!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23EVIL LAUGHTER
0:00:36 > 0:00:37COUGHING
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Is the canteen closed, Matron?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I want a bacon sandwich.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Please. No, is that a...? It can't be. Please, no.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50No more. No more gas, termite!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- No more gas!- Sleep, sleep.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56It's all right. You're here.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59You're in the rat cave. You've been asleep a long time.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01How long was I out for?
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- Four days.- Was it Scott, did Scott lead you to me?
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Scott?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10No. He's useless, he just squeaks and tries to eat his brother,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12doesn't he? No, he can't talk, can he?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16- He's a rat.- He can talk to people who are interesting and fun.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19That's probably why he didn't want to say anything to you, Sidney.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21All right. Drink that.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25What is this, some potion you've concocted?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- It's vitamin C.- Vitamin C?!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Is that all?! This poison is eating away at my mind, man!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34What have you got for my kidneys? A ham sandwich?!
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Some lemonade?!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Sid, you disgust me.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Look, I think it might be time to call it a day with Rattman.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- What?- I'm not always going to be there to save you, and, look,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I keep having this recurring dream.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54It's the one where I get called to the mortuary and they lift up the sheet and it's you.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56You know your flies are undone.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Are they?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Don't bring them any closer, I can already smell it from here.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I can't believe anyone's been near that thing.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Not for a while.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Just go back to being a cop, Sleet.
0:02:09 > 0:02:14The Rattman's not just going to run away. He's a hero, dammit.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17You know what the Romans used to do when the enemies were at the gates?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Nope.- They'd close those gates
0:02:20 > 0:02:23and then they'd have big sexy orgies where
0:02:23 > 0:02:27they'd do all the sexes, all the different sex ones with all the...
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Then they'd write poems about it.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32That's what they did when the enemies were at the gates.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- There's more to it than that. - There is no more to it than that.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36- Yeah, there was.- Not at all.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- They were like the most...- You're not better at history than me!
0:02:39 > 0:02:43I need to be the Rattman with two Ts because of copyright infringement
0:02:43 > 0:02:44laws, God dammit.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46All right.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Well, if you're not going to do it for me,
0:02:49 > 0:02:50think of them.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Meaden, please. Would you indulge an old friend?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- I'm not sure.- I don't mean anything perverse or naughty.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08What I was meaning is...
0:03:08 > 0:03:13Have I ever told you about the last few months of my marriage to my wife Helen?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- QUIET FART - No.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Was that you? Was that you or the bed?
0:03:18 > 0:03:19No, no, that was me.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Was it?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Was that, that was you?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- Well, let's keep... - That was it, that was the noise.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Let's leave the covers where they lay just for a little bit.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Let's let that thing work its way out down
0:03:32 > 0:03:33the bottom of the bed.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Anyway, the story.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Yes, back to the story.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Helen couldn't stand being with me any more.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47I don't know why. You know, I became homeless.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I was living on a park bench.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53And one day I was taking a shit next to a badger's hole.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56This badger, he was just sitting there.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59And I wiped my bum and I pulled up my pants
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and he looked at me and he said,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05AMERICAN ACCENT: "What are you doing with your life?"
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Was he American? - Yeah, he was American.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- American badger.- Yep.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14So I pulled up my socks and I went out there
0:04:14 > 0:04:16and I got a job in the police.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19And every day I think about that badger.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21So I went back to see him.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22About three months back.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Guess what I found.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Some houses. Someone had built houses on the badger's hole.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33I then started really crying and then I smashed some stuff
0:04:33 > 0:04:36in their garden and they called the police and I ran away.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Erm...
0:04:43 > 0:04:44What...?
0:04:45 > 0:04:51- Is that the end?- But, yeah, I mean, the end is why would anyone love me?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Are there any other bedrooms in this place?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55No, this is the only one.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57But you normally sleep in a car,
0:04:57 > 0:04:59are you not more comfortable not sleeping in a bed?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I thought, how often do you get the chance to sleep in a bed?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04And then I gave half of the bed to you.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Something I'm slightly regretting now
0:05:06 > 0:05:08since you've been sitting here farting.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14No. That wasn't me, though, was it, really?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Yes, well, they who smelt it dealt it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18And he who denied it supplied it.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Well, I didn't deny it, you just did.- Are you just turning into a seven-year-old?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23First of all, you smelt it, then you denied it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26These are two bits of evidence that would suggest that you,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Deborah Meaden, were the one who farted in this bed.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Hold on a minute, hold on a minute. I am 55 years old.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33And you're sitting in bed with a man...
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I'm a grown-up and I can choose what I do with my life.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40OK, Meaden. Shall we try to get some sleep?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Would you like to sing me a lullaby?
0:05:42 > 0:05:47No. And to be fair, your story was pretty rubbish.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50It ended with a dead badger in a housing estate and you smashing
0:05:50 > 0:05:52things in other people's gardens.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Well, so be it.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58What to do?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Hide from the shadows as a Rattman, or...
0:06:02 > 0:06:04..from the light as DI Sleet?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Quite the conundrum.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Hey, Scott.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16You got time for a chat, old friend?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18My greatest of allies.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I need you now more than ever, old friend.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I don't know what to do, Scott.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24What do I do?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Do I tell the world that I'm Rattman or do I keep on living a lie?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31You know, the city needs a hero.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I can't be two things at once, that's impossible.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39What do you think you should do?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I don't know, if I'm honest.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I'm no superhero when it comes to brains, I can tell you that.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I'm just a man. Truth be told,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51when I'm the Rattman I feel special, you know,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I feel like a beacon of hope.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Like a beacon of justice.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00You're a great man, Sleet, never forget that.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Just follow your heart.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Gee-whiz, thanks, Scott.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07That's a sweet thing for you to say.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I'll never forget what you did for me, Sleet.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Rescuing me from that make-up testing lab.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15What was I going to do, leave you there?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17No way, Jose.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22I've got to say you looked pretty sexy with that smoky eye make-up.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Remember? What do I do about Ramsay, though?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Do I tell him the truth or do I keep on living a lie?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30There's an old rat saying.
0:07:30 > 0:07:35Sometimes, to protect the ones you love, you have to eat them.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Wow, Scott, beautiful, beautiful words.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I think if I read between the lines
0:07:42 > 0:07:45you're saying I should tell Ramsay, right?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Yeah, you could take it to mean that.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52Trouble is, if he finds out that Sleet is Rattman,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54then I can't be Sleet no more.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56And if he finds out that Rattman is Sleet,
0:07:56 > 0:07:57then I can't be Rattman no more.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Or something like that.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Whatever you do, do it for your rookie, Sleet.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07You know that this conversation is just a figment of your imagination
0:08:07 > 0:08:09triggered by the gas, right?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Yeah, of course I do, Scott, I'm not stupid, but, you know,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15this is pretty much the best conversation
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I've had in a long time. Thanks, old friend.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Wow, so many sweet faces.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Miss Delevingne, thank you for coming in, we are Successville PD,
0:08:37 > 0:08:38I'm sure you know who I am.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Well, well, well, if it isn't DI Sleet.
0:08:41 > 0:08:47Listen, we have information that you placed a rather substantial, large,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51big bet on the racehorse that was Peter Crouch.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Must have been a little devastating when he lost.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I don't know what the hell you're talking about, seriously,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58this is so lame.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01If you don't let me out of here I'll get my daddy to buy this entire
0:09:01 > 0:09:05police station and turn it into the Museum of DI Sleet's Tiny Penis.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I think on walking into the museum that you might find
0:09:09 > 0:09:11that it was, in fact, bigger than you might think it is.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12- Would I?- Yeah, you would.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Cos I can imagine you think I have a tiny penis.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Would I be in for a massive shock?
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Yes, you would, a massive shock.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Really? What, just no penis at all?
0:09:19 > 0:09:20What? No, I do have a penis...
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Nothing, just smooth?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24No, it's not smooth, I'm not a eunuch.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Have you seen my guv'nor's penis?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Hey, let's just leave it.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Sorry, who gave you permission to speak? Did you give him permission to speak?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33He's allowed to speak when he likes.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Who even is he? - This is Christopher Kamara.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Are you even qualified to be here?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Yes, he is, he's my rookie.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40- Oh, dear.- I'm with him.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Yeah. Listen, Madam-as-well.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Madam... Madam-as-well?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Have you been to school? - Madam-as-well, it's French, right?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Mademoiselle.- Madam-as-well.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Have you even been to France?
0:09:51 > 0:09:52- Yes.- When?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I don't know what you're laughing at.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04When I'm laughing I'm serious.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- That's a weird thing to say. - That's incredibly weird.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Right, let's get back to why you're here.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Go on, gladly.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12What do you know about the death of Alan Shearer?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I know nothing about horses,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16do I look like I give a shit about horses?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20I mean... Is this seriously the best you can do?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Don't you have to pass some sort of fitness exam to get into the police?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Yeah, I passed it with flying colours, I was top of my class.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30In what? Having type 1 diabetes?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- What?- Stuffing your face with cake?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Rolling down a hill?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Well, actually, I'm very good at rolling down a hill.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Yeah, it's about all you can muster.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Guv'nor's cutting down, he only had five meals today.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42How dare you, Chris?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43How dare you?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I was watching you, guv.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46You...
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I'm sorry, Miss Delevingne, you must think we're a pair of clowns,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- but we have intelligence... - Of course I do.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55We have intelligence.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I doubt that very much.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- What?- I doubt that you have any intelligence between you at all.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04You see, I get things done my way.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07OK? When I was six years old I forced my nanny to undergo months of
0:11:07 > 0:11:11plastic surgery to make her look like a mermaid.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14By the time the procedure was completed and her tail was attached
0:11:14 > 0:11:18I'd grown bored of mermaids, so naturally she hanged.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Sounds a bit fishy to me, guv.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Was that an attempt at a joke?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I think it was, he does that to try and lighten the mood.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29It was absolutely terrible.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Yeah? Reminds me of a story of my own.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36When I was a young boy I had a friend, he was a robot called Bobby.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41Made him out of some old shoe boxes and a matchbox.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45One day I came home from school and my dad had thrown Bobby
0:11:45 > 0:11:46into the garden.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49He said that Bobby was a telltale tit and an idiot.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51He said he was a what?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59He said that Bobby was a telltale tit.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05He said Bobby was no good and he was a telltale tit.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I remember looking through my bedroom window as the rain fell down
0:12:08 > 0:12:10on Bobby's carcass,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13then I got all his soggy remains and I put them on my pillow and...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15God, you're disgusting.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16So many good people.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23We have a little bit of sad news for you today. Our usual model,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25my husband Bill, is not here.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30No, he's got norovirus. So he can't do his job.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33That's Bill. So I got in touch with an agency
0:12:33 > 0:12:36and I have found a replacement model.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39So please welcome our model for this afternoon, here he is.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43He's very experienced, he's done this a lot of times before.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Here he is, wonderful.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Oh, it is a real honour, sir, what a pleasure.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- Indeed, the honour is all mine.- Oh!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Well, that's patronising, OK.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Lovely.- I always try to be patronising.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58So, thank you. Thank you for coming.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Thank you for agreeing to put pen to paper.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04OK. So, you know all the classical poses, then?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Would you like me to go with the sleepy tortoise?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- What?!- Or the naughty but nice?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Or mine's a hot dog. - Could we see some of those?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Let me eat all the chips.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Yep, OK. Anything else?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17- Vinnie's home.- How...?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19How would that look?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22OK. So, do you have a position you would like?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- A favourite pose? - Naughty but nice sounded...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Sounded intriguing.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28What does that look like? Let's see.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Not for me. That's similar to Vinnie's home, isn't it?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- Do you have another...?- It's nothing like Vinnie's home, Ricardo.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36OK. How about meerkat in fright?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Meerkat in fright.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40It's a common one.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41No, Dick? You're not liking it?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Oh, no, I just...
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I didn't believe it was a meerkat in fright.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Didn't you, Rick? Ricardo? Your new name, Ricardo.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Yeah.- What do you think, Dick?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53He looks more like a constipated baboon.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- Yeah.- Which is not...
0:13:55 > 0:13:58If I knew you and I was
0:13:58 > 0:14:03in charge of you in some way, I'd say, "You foolish, nasty man.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"Don't forget your place."
0:14:05 > 0:14:06OK, let's see meerkat in fright.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Let's hold the pose. Everyone get ready.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10We've got our charcoals ready.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Would you like the grand unveiling?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- Shall I take this off?- Well,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16you can just get yourself ready.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18There's some charcoal there, if you want.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Everybody ready?
0:14:19 > 0:14:20OK, let's...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Oh!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27That is... I thought I'd seen it at all.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Time to drop these, too.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Sorry? What's happening?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31No, why are you doing that?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32- That's not... - Well, it's a nude class,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35everyone's come here to see the meat and the veg and everything.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Well, maybe we've had...
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Maybe we're full. We don't need pudding.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Well, I feel a little short-changed, if I came to a nude class and...
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- You know what? Keep the change. - Yeah, I feel a little short-changed.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- No, no, let's keep the change. - Exactly. I mean, if you'd like to see my penis...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I would love to see it.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I cannot begin to tell you how much I'd like to see it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Well, perhaps you could see it at a separate time.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56For me, I want to keep my lunch down.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Once I've got the trailer, I don't need to see the movie.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02That's so very charming, but I mean, the thing is,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04you would not wear your shoes in the shower.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I would at your house.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I don't have a house so the joke's on you.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- I live in a car. - That does not surprise me.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- Really?- No. - It feels a little indignifying that I'm begging to pull my
0:15:14 > 0:15:15penis out in front of people.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17It is. To be honest, it's very...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I am embarrassed for you right now.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- But...- And the pose you want is this one?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Bit more arch in the back, a little more in the knees...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- OK.- Lovely.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Excellent work, class.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Really lovely. Wonderful, Dick. That's actually very good.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Dick is actually really good at this.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Sometimes... - Genuinely really good at this.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It's the model that makes it, usually.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- That's true.- I think he's terrific.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Keep going, Dick. I love it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41I really love what Dick is doing.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43The heat in here is freezing.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48I feel that my penis isn't giving a good account of himself.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Our classes don't raise a lot of money,
0:15:49 > 0:15:51so my overheads are very expensive.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Yeah, that's not my problem.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I'm here doing my best.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Maybe if I was to get one of the class to blow upon my penis.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Well, my regulars would not do that.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I don't know how Dick feels about that?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I would... It would genuinely be an honour.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Yes. Well, come hither.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Come hither to blow upon my penis.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12OK, guys. Maybe you can start, start just sketching.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Ricardo, who do you think you are?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Get down upon your knees and blow on my penis.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Dick's done this before.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22He went straight down. Dick didn't need any asking.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Look up at me. Blow.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Blow, just make it look normal.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31That's nice. Listen, you need to get a look in that handbag.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35That's nice, actually, well done.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37This is the first good bit of police work you've done.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53- Rattman.- I called you here to tell you about my identity.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Go on.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01You see me every day, day, day
0:17:01 > 0:17:04but you never really notice me.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05(Me, me, me.)
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I'm everywhere but nowhere.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09(Where, where.)
0:17:09 > 0:17:13You love me and you hate me at the same time.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16What I'm trying to say is you essentially
0:17:16 > 0:17:18have mixed feelings about me as a person.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23OK.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Oh, fuck me.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27That's right. That's right.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Oh, wow. I can't believe it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Fucking hell.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32It's a shock, I know.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- I should have known! - Well, yeah, I mean,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37we're both cool and we're both epic, right?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Right.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I need to know whether you're DI Sleet
0:17:41 > 0:17:44or whether you're fucking Rattman
0:17:44 > 0:17:46because there is... Sorry, who is that?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50That's Linda. She comes here and cleans my guns and stuff.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Does she need to be here for this?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54She should be... She should...
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Linda, can you step closer?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Come into this conversation, please.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Bring your knowledge and your ears.
0:18:00 > 0:18:06Sleet, if you go now, you're letting me down, OK?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07That's not fair.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Don't give me that. I've given my whole adult life to this force.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13So, that's it?
0:18:14 > 0:18:18You're a superhero now, are you?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I didn't ask to be a superhero,
0:18:20 > 0:18:24I wanted to be a humble coward like every other Joe.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27You know what, if you walk away now,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31you're letting down every single rookie who walks through your door.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32How dare you say that in front of me?!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35And Linda! How very dare you!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I actually can't have this conversation
0:18:38 > 0:18:39with Linda standing there.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- Sorry, Linda. - You're intimidated by her.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Well, it's just very, very hard.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46You can't handle her.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I'm going to go back to the office.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- You can't handle the fire.- We can continue the conversation there.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- So be it.- Yeah?- So be it.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Good. Just come on your own, please, yeah?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Oh, really? Well, Linda will have to drive me there.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Fine. She can drive you there.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02That was every bit as hard as you said it would be.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Thank you for your advice as always.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Gah!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Why are all the good ones taken?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Any chance I can get some squidge?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13A little cuddle?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Come on.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16That's my gal.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Great cuddling.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21That is some good cuddling.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29This is Harry Styles and his gang.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31They're as lethal as they are ugly.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33He's a madman.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36You will be able to hear everything I say through that wire.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Repeat everything I say.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Repeat everything I say.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Not now, when you've got the earpiece in and you're in there,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- that's when you repeat everything I say.- OK. - You need to be tough in there, kid.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50And we think it's all right on my first day to go in there?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- What, are you scared? - No, I'm not scared, obviously.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- What do you want? You want me to send you down to plant some flowers at the roundabout?- No, I want...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Do you know what I did on my first day?- What?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I took a gun, I went down to a biker gang...
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- Yeah.- And I took them all out for no goddamn reason.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07How does that make you feel?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- Are you scared of me?- No.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Why not? Why would you not be scared when I tell you I've killed people?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Do you think I'm pathetic?- No.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Do you think people have sex with my wife behind my back?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16- No.- They do.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- Is that funny? - No, it's not funny at all.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- That's why... - Have you had sex with my wife? - No, I have not.- Have you had sex?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- Look me in the eye. - He does this to everyone.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26You shut your face.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Be on your way. Go! Get out.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29You disgust me.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Is this...? This is safe, isn't it?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- It's not safe.- OK.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35How are they doing beating him up?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Poor slug. Hey, do you know how you kill a slug?
0:20:38 > 0:20:39- Pour salt on it.- Exactly.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43You know if you put a stone in a piece of bread and give it to a pigeon,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- it can't fly?- It's a shame this murder case is getting in the way,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I'd like to give that a try.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Sweet Jamie.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55Great men don't shit their pants.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Go get 'em, soldier.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Nice and tight.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Do you know what we're going to do to you, policeman?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04We're going to beat you senseless, then we're going to kill you.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06It stinks in here.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08It stinks in here.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11What is this? A fart factory?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Who the fuck are you?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I am Marvin Eaglecock.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19I am Marvin Eaglecock, a freelance hell-raiser,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21looking for some action.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I'm a crime robot that turns into a crime lorry.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28I'm a crime robot who turns into a crime lorry.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30I am Optimus Crime.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Who's he, then? Your girlfriend?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Do you want me to tear you a new arsehole?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I might rip it there so you get shit in your eyes.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41You'll never...
0:21:43 > 0:21:44What?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48You will never get near my arsehole.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50You finished, have you? That was very nice.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Seemed a little bit stuttery.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55You nervous? Do you think I have nerves?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I literally don't have nerves.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I have titanium flipping wires.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Watch this.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Oh, God.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08And it's back. Ba-da-bing.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Didn't feel a thing.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Tell him that's the coolest thing you've ever seen.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Hellfire, that's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25And I've seen a pigeon eat some bread...
0:22:27 > 0:22:28..with a...
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Ha! Ha-ha!
0:22:35 > 0:22:36And I've seen a pigeon
0:22:36 > 0:22:39eat some bread with a stone in it and it couldn't...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43..fly...
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I like him. I like him. Come and take a seat.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Just sit down now. Going to be OK.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Let's hear what you've got to say now.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Do you want to know a little bit about my past?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- Go on.- Two years ago,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04I was in the Los Bandos.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06HE SPEAKS UNIDENTIFIABLE LANGUAGE
0:23:08 > 0:23:10HE CONTINUES
0:23:10 > 0:23:12HE TRIES TO IMITATE SLEET
0:23:18 > 0:23:21That's...Spanish.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Those are bold words.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24How many people have you killed?
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Five.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Thousand.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Six.
0:23:30 > 0:23:325,600.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35And...
0:23:35 > 0:23:3620.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38One.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Native...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Native American Indians.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Oh, that's a bit specific.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Very specific.- Right.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51OK.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52You're in.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Hey, Chief.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Are you looking at a picture of me there?
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Walking down memory lane, eh?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Some good times in this office, me and you.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12You remember that time that you gave me a present
0:24:12 > 0:24:14and it was a raven in a box and it flew out
0:24:14 > 0:24:17and started pecking at my eyes and I shot it in the face?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Your birthday.- Yeah.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Only time you ever got me a present.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Get a seat, sir.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38How do you think we are going to be remembered?
0:24:38 > 0:24:43Two good guys fighting crime in this city or do you think our names are
0:24:43 > 0:24:45going to be lost in the sands of time?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Your decision, Sleet. I need to know your decision.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Well, I've made my decision, Chief.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Unmake it.- I can't do that.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53I'll pay you more.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55You'll get a...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59..corner office. Another badge on your chest.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Statue of you in your fucking room. Come on, Sleet. Don't make me beg.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06They are all kind things, but no dice, Chief.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Hey, you know why I became a cop?
0:25:12 > 0:25:17I just assumed it was some terrible computer error or that you were
0:25:17 > 0:25:20somebody important's mentally challenged nephew.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22No, no, no, it's neither of those things.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28When I was a young boy, I had a condition which meant I produced
0:25:28 > 0:25:32600% more saliva than most children of my age.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Kids at school got a real kick out of teasing me, let me tell you.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Called me loads of different names.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Some people used to call me Rain Mouth or Shower Tongue.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47One boy just said I had more water in my mouth than the ocean.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Kids can be mean, eh? One day, the taunts got too much and...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I sprinted out of class,
0:25:55 > 0:25:59fluid spilling from my mouth like an overrunning bath,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02went to the woods behind the school, kept on running,
0:26:02 > 0:26:06deeper and deeper into the woods, until I found myself lost,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09and scared and alone.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Fortunately for me, dehydration wasn't an issue.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15I had a month's worth of liquid stored in my mouth.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Three days later, a guy found me.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22He was a cop. He put his jacket around me and he told me everything
0:26:22 > 0:26:25was going to be OK. I remember this day,
0:26:25 > 0:26:29the sun glistening off his badge and I thought to myself,
0:26:29 > 0:26:34"that is what I want to do." I want to make a difference, Chief.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36What happened next?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I left school and I enrolled in the Police Academy.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40No, no, no, with the saliva thing,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Oh, I had an operation on my saliva glands.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48That's fine now, it just means I can't lick stamps any more.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51That's been the toughest decision I've ever had to make, Chief,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53but just a cop to another cop, I can't do this no more.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Bye. Bye, then, Sleet.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08See you, Chief.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Hey, if you ever want to knock the top off a cold one or a game of gin
0:27:15 > 0:27:18rummy, you know where I am.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22There, you silly snake.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Oh, Chief, one last thing.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30In a few years' time,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32you have a little boy and that little boy burns
0:27:32 > 0:27:35a hole in the rug in the front room.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Don't go too hard on him, eh?
0:27:41 > 0:27:42OK.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Bye, sweet prince.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46MUSIC: Wind Of Change by Scorpions
0:27:46 > 0:27:52# ..listening to the wind of change
0:27:52 > 0:27:54See you, Chief.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# August summer night
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# Soldiers passing by
0:27:59 > 0:28:06# Listening to the wind of change
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# The world is closing in
0:28:31 > 0:28:34# And did you ever think
0:28:34 > 0:28:41# That we could be so close, like brothers?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45# The future's in the air
0:28:45 > 0:28:48# I can feel it everywhere
0:28:48 > 0:28:55# Blowing with the wind of change
0:28:57 > 0:29:02# Take me to the magic of the moment
0:29:02 > 0:29:05# On a glory night
0:29:06 > 0:29:11# Where the children of tomorrow dream away
0:29:11 > 0:29:15# In the wind of change. #