0:00:14 > 0:00:19RADIO: 'And right now, to get us all in a party mood, here's Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody!
0:00:19 > 0:00:23'# Are you hanging up the stocking on your...
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- '#..time that every Santa...#' - Shut up! Shut up!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Shut up!
0:00:33 > 0:00:37- Usual Christmas mood, is it? - Call me a traditionalist.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Dad, do you think Mrs Henty would like bath salts or Cornish fudge?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Who's Mrs Henty?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I'm saying that like I care.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Mrs Henty - she's one of the clients I look after.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Some are giving me presents, so I'm going to give them presents.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- Isn't that going to cost you? - No. I'm just re-wrapping what they've given me.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I wouldn't want this junk.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Oh, sometimes you make me so proud.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01What's this?
0:01:01 > 0:01:06We have caught a rare sight of Ben Harper being affectionate with one of his offspring.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10- What are you doing?- I'm recording a Christmas video message for Nick.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Who?- Nick. Your son.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Oh, Nick, Nick, yup.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- Hi, Nick!- Come on, Dad.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- At least wish him Merry Christmas. - I don't want to be insincere.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23There must be something nice you can say.
0:01:23 > 0:01:29Well, I'll say this for him, when he said he was going to leave, he actually left, unlike you two.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Oh, do you know what, Dad?
0:01:31 > 0:01:37Janey is now giving Dad a physical sign of what he can do to himself.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I haven't. They're not for you.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57The gallery is sponsoring a whole series of Christmas parties for the local playgroups.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And guess who's had to wrap every single present?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02One of the elves?
0:02:02 > 0:02:07Yes. The same elf that's going to snap you like a twig if you don't bring her a glass of wine.
0:02:07 > 0:02:13OK, well I've got a nice bottle of red in the kitchen that goes well with meat, cheese and bitterness.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17PHONE
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Hello.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, Katie, hi.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Yes, yes, it's all under control.
0:02:28 > 0:02:34The Santa is booked, the hall is decorated and every present is wrapped.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Mm?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Why do you think they need to be colour-coded?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Yes, of course I want the children to feel special, but...
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Fff-fff-fff-fff!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Yes, all right, Katie.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Fine. Fine...
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Whatever.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Here you are, my festive booze-hound.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06This'll cheer you up.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09This'll...
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Susan, I don't profess to understand this Christmas malarkey,
0:03:17 > 0:03:22but shouldn't you be leaving the unwrapping to the kids?
0:03:22 > 0:03:28Katie wants all the boys' presents wrapped in one sort of paper and all the girls' in another.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- Yeah, that makes sense.- No, it makes no sense, it's completely mental!
0:03:35 > 0:03:39OK. Here you are, drink this.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Well, that's Merlot. - That's Merlot, that's right.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- And we have two cases of this in the kitchen.- No, no, no, no.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47They were supposed to deliver Shiraz.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49This is totally wrong, someone's going to have to pay for this!
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Calm, calm down, Susan, remember our golden rule -
0:03:53 > 0:03:59no matter how bad things get, we don't take it out on the wine.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Here you are.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- Ben?- Mm-hm?- You know what you always say about Christmas?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13What, that it's an overpriced rip-off and anyone stupid enough
0:04:13 > 0:04:16to celebrate it should be impaled on the end of their own Christmas tree?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18That's the one.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Well, you're right.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I don't know why I've been swimming against the tide all these years.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28Christmas is a complete pain in the...backside.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Yes, go on...
0:04:31 > 0:04:35It's never-ending, it's stressful...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37And let's face it, it's never as good as you expect it to be.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Yes. Yes...
0:04:39 > 0:04:43In fact, the whole thing is a pointless, pointless waste of time.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45That's right, Susan.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Come to the dark side.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- I tell you what we're going to do this year...- Yeah?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Absolutely...nothing.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Oh, my darling.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Say that again, please.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- I mean it, Ben. I'm done with Christmas.- Yeah, yeah.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Come on, let's go upstairs.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14This is turning you on?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Is that so bad?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- No, no, it's fine.- OK, come on.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Hi, Nick. It's me, Janey.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35I know the last time you saw me wearing a uniform like this, I was
0:05:35 > 0:05:38sneaking out to see that guy who was into that sort of thing,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40but actually, I do have a proper job now.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I'm a Care Worker, see?
0:05:43 > 0:05:47I have a boyfriend called Craig and he looks like this...
0:05:47 > 0:05:52He's from Australia, which means I can't chuck him or he'll just keep coming back.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54That's one of Craig's jokes.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56It's about boomerangs.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I didn't get it at first...
0:05:59 > 0:06:00I still don't.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05Anyway, my little boy's not so little any more.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Kenzo's just shot up - oh, he's such a great kid.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13- I'm telling you, Nick, I'm not that flighty little girl you remember. - SMS SIGNAL
0:06:13 > 0:06:18As a matter of fact, I've been working hard to be much more...
0:06:18 > 0:06:19focused...
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Oh, that's funny!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27LOL.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28So anyway,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I'm more focused and...
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I have a boyfriend called Craig,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37looks like this...
0:06:37 > 0:06:40he's from Australia but he just keeps...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42coming back like a boomerang...
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Oh, no.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Oh, no, that's terrible!
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Well, could you up the medication?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Yes, yes, I suppose that would be dangerous.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Well, thanks for letting me know, bye.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Who was that?- Mrs Woodgate.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Ahhh. Who's Mrs Woodgate?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Santa's wife.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Santa's married to Mrs Woodgate?
0:07:13 > 0:07:18- What did she want? - She called to say that Santa's been involved in an accident.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Oh, my God! Is Rudolph all right?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Does this face look like I'm in the mood for your jokes?
0:07:26 > 0:07:31- It's sort of difficult to tell. - It's just one thing after another.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Mr Woodgate was supposed to be my Father Christmas tomorrow. I mean, he was perfect...
0:07:34 > 0:07:38he was kind, jolly and really friendly.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I know, I know - well, what happened to him?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42He shattered his pelvis in a pub fight.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Oh, Ben, what am I going to do?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48It's all right, calm down, calm down. It's all right, we'll work something out together.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Where am I going to find a replacement Santa at this late stage?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I know, it's a bit of a problem.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Unless...- No.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Please, Ben, please, I'm begging you, I'm begging you!
0:07:58 > 0:08:04Whoa, whoa, let me just get this straight. You want me - me, to take part in a festival that I hate?
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Playing a character that I've never believed in and giving presents to...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11children?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Yes.- No.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Fine. Stuff you, then.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21I'll find somebody else to do it.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Shut up!
0:08:40 > 0:08:48For God's sake, don't let Kenzo see you like that, you'll shatter his dreams on so many levels.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53- Like I care. - Well, well, well, what a memorable Santa you're going to make!
0:08:55 > 0:09:01It's going to take every ounce of my energy to maintain any sort of dignity today.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Susan...- I know!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10My trousers have fallen down.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15Well, a female Santa, downing whisky, with her trousers around her ankles.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Not even I could do this to the kids.- Just give me the car keys.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22No, I'll be your Father Christmas.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- You will?- And your designated driver.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Oh, my God. I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Hello, Uncle Nick. I'm Kenzo.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I'm your nephew.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45I've been told by Mummy to speak slowly and
0:09:45 > 0:09:48not to use too many big words.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Anyway, I don't really remember you,
0:09:52 > 0:09:59but I sort of remember the fire you started and the flood that put it out.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Grandma and Granddad talk about you all the time.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Well, Grandma does.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10When I asked Granddad about you he said, "There's only one Nick."
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Wait,
0:10:13 > 0:10:18actually, he said, "Thank God there's only one Nick."
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Next!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Come on, hurry up, we haven't got all day.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28So what do you want for Christmas, little girl?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I don't believe in Father Christmas.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36Good, works for me, go on, on your bike bye. Next!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38And so what do you want, little boy?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- For Christmas?- I want a bike.- Yep.
0:10:40 > 0:10:47With 12-speed gears, a keyboard, the Battlestar Virgan Boxset, a Balloon Gyrocopter, a Stealth spy kit...
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Can I get you another drink? - No, thank you.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Katie, hi.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- How are you, boss? - Not all together happy, to be honest with you.- Oh.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Your decorations are hideous.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04And the presents. Were you angry when you wrapped them or just drunk?
0:11:06 > 0:11:11- Yes.- And we've had a few complaints about your Santa. - Oh, well, look, he's doing his best.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Well, just tell him to get his act together.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15He's representing the good name of the art gallery.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Look, Katie, I know there are times when Ben can be angry,
0:11:18 > 0:11:23rude and offensive, but there many other times when he's...asleep.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Handle the situation.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Oh, Merry Christmas.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Magna Builder bricks,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- Henry Hamster, Dinosaurus Construction Kit...- Yeah.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Whizz Wheel Monster Trucks.- Look.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- I haven't finished yet.- Wanna bet?
0:11:47 > 0:11:52Listen, sunshine, my elves work in a toy factory, not a sweat shop, now push off. Here.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- Can I have two?- No. - I'm going to tell on you.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Listen,
0:11:59 > 0:12:03I'm Santa and I know where you live.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Now push off. Next!
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- OK, so what's your name little girl? - Mary.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Mary, and what do you want for Christmas, Mary?
0:12:15 > 0:12:21Ah, no, don't tell me, you want a High School Musical DVD or an X Factor karaoke machine?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I want my Granddad back.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Really? Is that a board game? Because it sounds pretty boring.
0:12:26 > 0:12:32My Mummy and Granddad had a big fight and now they don't talk to each other.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Well, sweetheart, lots of people argue, so I'm told.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39But they soon patch things up. Your granddad and mummy will be talking again soon.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42It's been two years.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I used to see Granddad all the time.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49I really want he and my mummy to make friends again.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Oh, sweetheart. Mary, I wish I could help, but I don't think I can.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You can, I know you can.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57You're Father Christmas.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Yes, of course, how about a satsuma?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Please, Santa, please.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Oh, please, Mary, understand.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I've written down his name and address.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10Yeah? Listen, I'm sure if you don't see your granddad, you'll still have a lovely time.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15You'll make it all right, Santa, I know you will.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Mary, Mary,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21you forgot your...
0:13:21 > 0:13:23..present.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29It's really bothering you, isn't it?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Oh, you should have seen the look in her eye.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I think I should do something to help.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39This is really strange.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43I've totally lost the spirit of Christmas and you're overwhelmed by it.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49What are the seven signs of the apocalypse again?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I'm serious, Susan.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55I really should do something to help, you know.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I mean, Santa does not break promises.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02You do know you're not actually Santa, don't you?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I am to her.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07She even gave me her grandfather's address
0:14:07 > 0:14:11and I think I should go and talk to him.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18Look, you, I don't know who you are or what you've done with my husband but I want him back.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Yeah, yeah, OK, all right, maybe you're right.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I just wanted to do something to help a family at Christmas, but,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30maybe, I should just stay out of it.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Yep, yep, you're right, OK, good night.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Well, thank you very much.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- What?- You being all weird and human.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50You've got me worrying about the kid too.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- You talk to the grandfather and I'll talk to the mother.- Really?- Yep.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59That's wonderful.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04Great. We'll start first thing in the morning.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Good night.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Ah, that's great.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09That's great.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Ah, Susan.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Susan, I love you so much.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I do, I mean I really love you, you know.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- And I just don't say it...- Will you just shut up, you're freaking me out!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Oh, hey, Nick, didn't see you there.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Yo, Nick, whassup?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Hi, Nick. How's it going?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Hope things are good for you.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I'm doing OK. I've graduated from uni with a first.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I've got my own place now, which is cool.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55I only come round here to steal food and remind myself how lucky I am not to live here any more.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Erm, what else?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Oh, I'm thinking of buying a car
0:16:01 > 0:16:03and, oh, yeah, I'm gay.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Now, I know what you're thinking,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11who drives a car in London nowadays?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Thanks for coming round, Mr Elliott.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- Frank.- Frank, yes, sorry.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Sorry to drag you all this way.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Sounded like something worth travelling for, an inheritance.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Yeah, we'll talk about that later.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Uh, to be totally frank, Frank,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I've actually dragged you round here under false pretences.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- What?- I actually wanted to talk to you about your granddaughter, Mary.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Mary?- Yep, yep. - Well, she's all right, isn't she?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Nothing's happened?- No, no, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51We had a little chat the other day, you know, she was sitting on my knee.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54No, I'm Santa, you see, I'm Santa!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Not the real Santa because I mean, you know, Santa doesn't exist, does he? I mean...
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Well, I mean, course he does, I mean some people believe in Santa and I... Could you sit down please?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I just want to talk to you about you granddaughter, Mary.
0:17:05 > 0:17:11Only, she's very upset that you're not talking to your daughter.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Elaine? Well, she's only got herself to blame for that.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17She's been completely unreasonable
0:17:17 > 0:17:20just because I remarried nine months after her mother died.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25Well, you know, children can be very over-sensitive about these things.
0:17:25 > 0:17:31It wasn't helped by the fact that my wife, Julie, is only a couple of years older than Elaine.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Really?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You dog.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Can we get back to this inheritance, please? - I'll talk to you about that later.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Ben!- Ah, that'll be my first wife.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Just, er, give me a second.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50No, no, not my second wife, because I've only got one. I'll see you in a minute.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57- Where's the mother? I thought you'd gone to get her? - I did. She's using the loo.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Ah, OK, OK. Did she tell you why they fell out?
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Ah, yes, I got the whole story on the way over.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Mmm, I know, the grandfather told me in the kitchen.- What? He's here?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Yeah. Ah-ah-ah, steady, steady.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13It's going to be a very delicate negotiation, Susan, so just leave it to me, OK?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Ben, Ben, what are you thinking?
0:18:15 > 0:18:20We agreed to see them separately, and if everything was OK, fix up a meeting between them.
0:18:20 > 0:18:25OK, so I skipped a stage, you know, forgive me for being astute.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- Astute? It's bonkers.- What?
0:18:27 > 0:18:33- You can't just put two people in a room and hope they get on. - They do in prison.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Just leave it to me, OK? I understand human nature.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Oh, great, you've been human for six hours and now you're an expert.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Oh, hello, you must be Elaine.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Hello, I'm Ben.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48OK. Look, I'm a bit confused as to why I'm here.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53- Don't worry, all will be revealed in the fullness of time. - Excuse me.- If not sooner.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- What's she doing here? - Why is he here? What's this about?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Oh, look, I'm sorry for all the subterfuge, but we thought...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Susan, please, let me deal with this, OK?
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Er, we have heard, my wife and I, have heard for some reason
0:19:06 > 0:19:10you two are not talking and we were hoping,
0:19:10 > 0:19:16my wife and I, were hoping that in some way we could help you resolve this trivial little thing.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- I don't think it's trivial. - Neither do I.- Neither do I.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Any daughter would be upset seeing her father remarrying so soon after the death of a mother.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Susan, please? Thank you.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Let me deal with it?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31It's nine months, come on, nine months.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34It's hardly the next day, is it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- I couldn't help it.- No. - I just fell in love with Julie.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That's not love! It's lust.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43You've fallen for some peroxide blonde who is half mum's age.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- So?- So?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48You think that's all right?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51What's wrong with it? It's her that's being selfish and pig-headed.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53No disrespect, Elaine.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I want him to respect my mother's memory.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00- Of course you do.- I do respect it. - By running off with a younger woman. - With long, shapely legs.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- She didn't mention anything about her legs.- No, HE did.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- No, I didn't? - Well, I'm just filling in the gaps.
0:20:06 > 0:20:12He was just finding a little comfort to sustain him, we all deal with grief in our own way.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13You really are a piece of work.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17At least I don't get overheated over some minor little thing!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- It's not a minor little thing! - Excuse me.- Hello.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- Please, be quiet thank you, we haven't finished!- Ben!- Sorry.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- None of this has anything to do with you two. - At least we're agreed on that.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I don't see why you feel you've got the right to meddle in our business.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Just stay out of it, will you?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42So.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43What's next?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45The Middle East?
0:20:47 > 0:20:52Oh, for goodness' sake, just get over it. So you tried and failed.
0:20:52 > 0:20:58All I wanted to do was to be helpful and all I've ended up doing is making things worse.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00It's a pattern that does tend to repeat.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Was it so wrong to do something nice for a little girl?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You should stick to what you know.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10Just be yourself, a selfish, mean-spirited, self-obsessed grouch.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14That's how you see me?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17It's how everybody sees you.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Fine.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22A mean-spirited, selfish man, huh?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Great.
0:21:24 > 0:21:30I'll have you know, Susan, I am a very deep, thoughtful and sensitive
0:21:30 > 0:21:35human being and I'm going downstairs to meditate upon that.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37There's a new bottle of Scotch in the cupboard.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Thank you very much.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32'Please Santa, you said you'd do everything you could.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35'Don't give up now.'
0:22:35 > 0:22:36TV: 'News just in...'
0:22:37 > 0:22:39'Are you sure you tried everything?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42'I don't think so.'
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Susan! Susan! Susan! Su...
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Don't give up now, Santa, please
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- and please remember to put the bins out.- What?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I said, "Please remember to put the bins out."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Are you all right?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Susan, you won't believe this, you won't believe this.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05You know that little girl, little girl, Mary? She was here, she was here in this room.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- Did she steal anything? - N..n-she, eh.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12She was in the mirror there, Susan. She was in the mirror and the paper, she was in the paper and she was
0:23:12 > 0:23:15there, she was on the television and she was standing here on the stairs!
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Gets about a bit, doesn't she? - Susan, she asked for my help again.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Yeah, this time I'm gonna do something, yeah, gonna do... OK, first thing in the morning.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Ben, we've been over this.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27You tried and you failed. Enough now.
0:23:27 > 0:23:33Yep, I tried, I failed, but this time it's a job for someone else, someone really special.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Why do I get the bad feeling that it's still you?
0:23:36 > 0:23:41# So here it is, Merry Christmas
0:23:41 > 0:23:43# Everybod...#
0:23:48 > 0:23:49I want a word with you.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I've tried being nice. I've tried being reasonable.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I've tried to play by the rules.
0:23:54 > 0:24:00I was hoping common sense would prevail, but clearly I was wasting my time. So, it's gloves off.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03No more Mr Nice Guy.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Blimey, Santa, you've changed.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I'm not here to talk. Come with me.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Where are you taking me? - For a sleigh ride. Now shut up.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Don't even think about it.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Sorry.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25He's a bit stressed at the moment.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29People shopping online is killing his business.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Now, listen to me, please.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35I know you told me it was none of my business, but somebody's got to
0:24:35 > 0:24:38make you pig-headed idiots to see some kind of sense.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41It's hard to believe the Samaritans turned him down.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Susan, thank you. Please.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Now, all families argue, all families argue.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- Don't they, Susan?- Oh, God, yes.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I don't think it's for you to tell us how to deal with our problems.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- Quite right. - All right, how about this then?
0:24:54 > 0:25:00- There's someone in the middle of all this, some little person that you've totally forgot.- Mary.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Well, not totally forgot, all right, but, er, where is she in all this?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06You know, she has her rights too, you know?
0:25:06 > 0:25:10And she's hurting a lot, not having her grandfather about.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Ben's right.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15And you have no idea how hard it is for me to say that.
0:25:15 > 0:25:22So, for Mary's sake, why don't you two declare a truce? For Christmas.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27You know, you don't have to mean it, just fake it! You know,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30anything for a quiet life, that's what I say.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Just fake it, everybody does it. You've faked things, haven't you, Susan?
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- More than you'll ever know. - Yeah, let's be honest, we all...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Look, we've been over this so many times, there's nothing else to say.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Do this for Mary, or he'll only keep coming back.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Well, let's not rule anything out.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- Elaine, what do you think? - I suppose it wouldn't hurt to talk.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- I suppose you're right. - I'll put the kettle on.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- Two sugars, please. - Not for you, Santa.- Mummy.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I'm here, sweetheart!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- Granddad!- Hello, poppet.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Look how big you've got.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Santa, you did it! Thank you.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16Granddad, are you going to be here for Christmas? Are you?
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- I er... I don't know, um... - I think there's a good chance.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23For once, I'm proud of you, darling.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Thank you, Susan.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Don't get used to it.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33You've actually done something for a bunch of strangers you've never managed to do for us,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36you've brought a family together.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40You know, Frank and Elaine never really thanked me.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Ungracious pair.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46You didn't do it for the thanks though, did you?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Did you?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Mm, suppose not.
0:26:51 > 0:26:56You've just demonstrated the true spirit of Christmas.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58It's inspirational, that's what it is.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I'm never going to miss another Christmas.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- In fact, there's no reason why we should miss this one. - No, what? No, no, no...- Yes, yes,
0:27:04 > 0:27:08yes, yes, I mean, look, it's not too late to get a tree, decorate
0:27:08 > 0:27:12- the house, buy a turkey and generally have a perfect Christmas.- Why bother?
0:27:12 > 0:27:17Come on, darling, look, we've got everything we want here, right here.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21We've got the box set of Sopranos
0:27:21 > 0:27:24and two cases of Merlot in the kitchen to get through.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Oh, for goodness' sake.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Where's the fun in that?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Oh, well done!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- Hey buddy boy!- Hello, darling!
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Hiya, Mick.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Nick.- Who?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- What did I say?- You said... No, you said, you said Mick.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- Did I?- Yes! You said Mick!
0:27:47 > 0:27:54Darling, hope you're happy, wherever you are, whatever you're doing
0:27:54 > 0:27:59- and I just, um... hope you keep in touch, you will keep in touch. - Shh, no,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- but when she says...- What?
0:28:02 > 0:28:07When she says, "Keep in touch", she didn't mean that's an invitation to come home.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11No, but we want to see you sometime.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- Merry Christmas, darling, Merry Christmas.- Merry Christmas!
0:28:24 > 0:28:28And a very Ha-ha-ha-happy New Year!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Yeah, whatever.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Ben! Ben!
0:28:35 > 0:28:39All right, let's have a look at the old X-rays, shall we?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Mmmm...
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Has anyone ever told you you look like that guy off the TV?
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Rolf Harris?
0:28:47 > 0:28:51No, no. He used to do that show with sick animals.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Yeah, that's me, Rolf Harris.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56No, he, no, it's a different accent. And he had a beard.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00Well, I've always had a beard, I've always been Rolf Harris.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02No! Not really.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04You're, you're Rolf Harris?
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Beginning to wish I wasn't.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Oh, fantastic.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11So, what brings you to our humble surgery?
0:29:11 > 0:29:15My reputation as a consummate professional? Oops, sorry.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19No, it's just that your surgery was the only one open on Boxing Day.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Works for me. Right, so,
0:29:25 > 0:29:30- little toothache, eh? - Oh, I'm in terrible pain. What I think's happened is...
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Yeah, I think I'll do the diagnosing if you don't mind.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37I don't come over to your place and teach you how to sing, do I?
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Or paint.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Or present TV shows.
0:29:42 > 0:29:47Actually, come to that, shouldn't you have settled on a career by now?
0:29:47 > 0:29:52- So, can you tell what it is yet? - Can you tell what it is yet! I love that!
0:29:53 > 0:29:55No, I'm serious. Can you tell what it is yet?
0:29:55 > 0:30:00Yes, uh, yes, you've got a cuspal fracture of the sixth molar.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04- What does that mean? - I'm buying a new boat.
0:30:04 > 0:30:09- I'll pop in a temporary filling but you'll have to come back in a few days.- OK.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Yeah, you know that programme of yours?
0:30:12 > 0:30:15- Fantastic, fantastic programme, Animal Hospital?- Yeah.
0:30:15 > 0:30:20Yeah, it's very good, actually inspired a friend of mine to work with animals.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22- He became a vet?- No, a butcher.
0:30:25 > 0:30:30- Yeah, I paint myself, you know. - Really?- Mmm hmm. Did up the spare bedroom last week.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Oh, once I start, I'm on fire.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35Is this going to take long?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37No, no, easy procedure.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39I can do this with my eyes closed.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42How about with the mouth closed?
0:30:42 > 0:30:44OK. It's always the same, with you lot, isn't it?
0:30:44 > 0:30:47- What?- You so-called nice celebrities.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49You should have heard what Michael Palin once said.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53OK, I forgot the novocaine, but, you know, that's no excuse.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56- Is there any chance of, um...? - OK, fine, fine.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00I won't say another word.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07# Two little boys had two little toys
0:31:07 > 0:31:11# Each had a wooden horse...
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Look, I've had enough of this.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16- It's your song!- Is there any chance of putting me under?
0:31:16 > 0:31:19No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not necessary with this procedure.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21It's not for the procedure.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Hello, darling, how was your day?
0:31:27 > 0:31:30I made it out alive. How was yours?
0:31:31 > 0:31:34What's the matter?
0:31:34 > 0:31:36I haven't cooked anything, if that's what you're implying.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40No, it's worse than that. You want something.
0:31:40 > 0:31:45- What are you talking about?- I know you, Susan, and I know when you want something, so come on, out with it.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47- What is it?- You're being ridiculous.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50- Are you sure?- Yes, I'm sure you're being ridiculous.
0:31:53 > 0:31:54We'll see.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59Stop it, Ben.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03I said stop it.
0:32:07 > 0:32:08I want to have a party!
0:32:08 > 0:32:12- Ha! I knew it! What, a party?- Yes, yes, yes, a New Year's Eve party!
0:32:12 > 0:32:17A great big bash with drunken revelry and a big crowd!
0:32:17 > 0:32:21Well, what's wrong with our usual drunken revelry and just me?
0:32:21 > 0:32:23The answer's in the question.
0:32:23 > 0:32:31Come on, parties are poor excuses for sponging, social ingrates to gorge on food and get drunk.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33- Yes. How on earth will you fit in? - I'm sorry,
0:32:33 > 0:32:37- it's out of the question. - Oh, please, Ben, I really need this party right now.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41It would be such fun. We could have, we could have live music.
0:32:41 > 0:32:42- No.- A catered meal.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45- No.- Cases of champagne.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Cases? Are you serious?
0:32:47 > 0:32:51I made a list of all the people in the neighbourhood I'd like to invite.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54This is the same list as the people I want dead.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56No, no, this one's slightly shorter.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00Casey, why is my next door nemesis on this list?
0:33:00 > 0:33:06- Because this year, I'd like you to build a bridge with Mr Casey.- Only if he can be in the foundations.
0:33:06 > 0:33:11Sorry, Susan, forget it. If you want a party with Casey, it'll be over my dead body.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14I love it when you leave me a loophole.
0:33:18 > 0:33:25- OK, Mum. I came straight over. What's up?- Ah, here, take this box of your things.
0:33:25 > 0:33:26That's it?
0:33:26 > 0:33:29You told me Dad was in hospital.
0:33:29 > 0:33:34If you did things when I asked, I wouldn't have to do things like that.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36You cleaned out my room?
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Oh, my God, you didn't find my...
0:33:39 > 0:33:42- What?- Nothing.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46So, this is the last of it, then?
0:33:46 > 0:33:50The final remnants of my 20 years in this house.
0:33:50 > 0:33:54This box symbolises my arrival into adulthood.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Hey, who broke my Action Man?
0:33:57 > 0:34:02Sorry, Michael. I'm getting things ready for our New Year's Eve party. Will you and Scott be coming?
0:34:02 > 0:34:07- Uh, I don't know yet.- Oh, please, you only bring him round five minutes at a time. Are you embarrassed by us?
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Of course not.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12- See you at ten to twelve.- I'm home!
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Make that five to twelve.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Welcome home. May I tempt you to a vol-au-vent?
0:34:19 > 0:34:25I've had a hard day, Susan, let me decompress first before you kill off another taste bud.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27No, no, no, you'll like this.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Food samples from three different caterers.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33- I can't decide which one to choose. - I can, cheapest one wins. OK, next?
0:34:33 > 0:34:37Right, these are the party invitations.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39I need your approval and by your approval say you like them.
0:34:39 > 0:34:44- Embossed, engraved on vellum?! - DOORBELL
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Why don't we just print one and get them to circulate it?
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Mr Casey. What a nice surprise.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54Casey?! I do not want that twisted pygmy in thi...
0:34:54 > 0:34:57- Oh, you're already in. Good. - Mr Casey, what can we do for you?
0:34:57 > 0:35:01Her Majesty's postal employee mistakenly delivered your post to me.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05It's a magazine for one Ben Harper.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Must be my New Scientist, I love those insightful, intellectual articles.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11No, it's Nuts.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Their super-annual, extra-bouncy issue.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Thank you, Casey, good, lovely, thank you.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18You've done your good deed for the day now off you go, under your bridge.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22- But first, have an invitation to our New Year's Eve party. - New Year's Eve party? Oh, dear.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25- Oh, really, got something else planned?- Yes, I have.- Oh, shame.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28- Oh, I'm sorry.- Yes, tragic.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32I'm holding my own neighbourhood New Year's Eve party. I've been throwing it for 11 years now.
0:35:32 > 0:35:37- 11 years? How come we've never heard of it then?- Hm, it must have been an oversight.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Really. Well, why don't you do your do another night.
0:35:40 > 0:35:45And when do you suggest I hold a New Year's Eve Party, dum-dum? Guy Fawkes' Night?
0:35:45 > 0:35:49- Why don't you just shove it up your...- Vol-au-vent?
0:35:49 > 0:35:54- No, thank you.- Well, this is most regrettable, Mr Casey, but we're already committed to that date.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Yes, and we're not going to stop it.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00In fact, we're going to invite the entire neighbourhood. OK?
0:36:00 > 0:36:02So may the best party win, Casey!
0:36:02 > 0:36:07If it's down to the best party winning, Harper, I think we all know whose it will be.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09Ho-ho, yes. We do.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13It'll be his, won't it?
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Susan?
0:36:18 > 0:36:21A-ha!
0:36:21 > 0:36:26I am about to make you very happy.
0:36:26 > 0:36:32- Oh, really.- With a little help from Ainsley Harriott.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34I'm game if you are.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37What? No, no...you!
0:36:37 > 0:36:43A friend of mine knows Ainsley Harriott, right, and he says he'll
0:36:43 > 0:36:46cater for private do's if the price is right. Can you believe it?
0:36:46 > 0:36:51- All except the part where you have a mate.- No, no,
0:36:51 > 0:36:53he's a patient, but the Ainsley Harriott part is true.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55Can you believe it, Susan, please, come on.
0:36:55 > 0:37:01A live jazz band, private chef, fireworks display, it'll put our party out of Casey's reach.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03It might put our overdraft out of reach too.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06I keep telling you, darling, money is no object.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09- Are you feeling all right? - Never better.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13You know what, I was thinking of booking the London Philharmonic
0:37:13 > 0:37:16but I just, don't want to rub Casey's nose in it. What's that?
0:37:19 > 0:37:21It's Casey's house.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23A lorry just pulled up.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27- It's from Harrods!- Right. That's it. We're booking the Philharmonic.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Ben, you don't even know what he's brought in.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31Well, we'll soon find out.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34OK, let's have a look.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38Come on, Casey, let's see your goodies.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Yes?
0:37:42 > 0:37:44I'm not signing that!
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Well? Did you see his goodies?
0:37:51 > 0:37:52'Fraid so.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57Oh, I love watching you work, Ainsley.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01The way you sift and knead and puree.
0:38:01 > 0:38:02It just takes my breath away.
0:38:02 > 0:38:09Ah, that's very kind of you, Susan, but, er, could you not slobber on my dumplings?
0:38:09 > 0:38:14Oh, darling, that smells wonderful!
0:38:14 > 0:38:17- I didn't cook it.- I wasn't talking to you. Hello!- Hello!
0:38:17 > 0:38:21I can't believe Ainsley Harriott is cooking in my kitchen.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23No, neither can the kitchen.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26Do you know, I can actually hear the pots sighing with relief.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29And what are you, Susan? Can't cook? Won't cook?
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Shouldn't cook.
0:38:33 > 0:38:38- What's he like, eh? - You don't want to know.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Ooh, I love caviar.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47We have some paprika if you need it.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49Paprika?
0:38:49 > 0:38:52You don't put paprika on caviar, Susan.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54- Never?- Never.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56- Big mistake.- Best before 2003?
0:38:58 > 0:39:00Oh, that's a mistake too.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02OK, guys, come through, that's lovely.
0:39:02 > 0:39:07Yeah, just put that in the kitchen, that can go in the garage.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10You can keep that there. Oh, hi, guys!
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Piano's over there, out of tune, but do your best.
0:39:12 > 0:39:17Ben, listen. I think you'd better take a look at tonight's RSVP list.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Yeah, yeah. Roger Bailey Jr.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22That's it? There's no-one else?
0:39:22 > 0:39:23No-one else replied.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25And Roger's only a maybe.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29It depends on whether he gets lucky at his bell ringing concert.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33He says those events have a sexually charged atmosphere.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38- So, no-one else is coming to our party?- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42- I would say NO ONE'S COMING TO OUR PARTY!- Hey, Mum!
0:39:42 > 0:39:44- G'day, guys! - Craig, Janey.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46- Thank God you're here.- Hi! - You are coming to our party, right?
0:39:46 > 0:39:51Well, we talked about it, but to be honest your crowd seems a bit old...
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Fashioned... Fun.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56- Old-fashioned fun.- Yeah.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Yeah. I see.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00Aw, look at his sad little face, Janey.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03Don't worry, Ben-O. We'll be there.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Yeah? Are you sure? Good old Craig, he'll be there, you'll be there!
0:40:05 > 0:40:08And Janey, bring all your mates, all your mates OK?
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Bazzer, Shazzer, Jezzer, Mezzer.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12They are all people, right?
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Yes, Dad, yes. They're the same people you kicked out last time I had them round.
0:40:15 > 0:40:20- Well, they were probably making a lot of noise. - It was my 12th birthday party.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22We hadn't even cut the cake.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Now you know why we never have parties.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27No worries, Ben-O.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30- Whatever you need, we're there for you.- Few things you can do.
0:40:30 > 0:40:35A little thing, you can let off a few fireworks at midnight, OK?
0:40:35 > 0:40:38I think I can handle that, Ben-O!
0:40:38 > 0:40:40And listen, be sure not to hold back, all right.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44I want the whole neighbourhood to know that it's the biggest party in town!
0:40:44 > 0:40:50- I want you to set it to music, all right? And synchronise it to Ride of the Valkyries.- Ah, yeah!
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Fantastic! Ha-ha!
0:40:52 > 0:40:55But you've got to stand a bit close, so, you can do that for me?
0:40:55 > 0:40:57- Sure. No worries. - But Dad, isn't that a bit dangerous.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Noooooo, I'll be fine.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03- Ben?- Yes, darling?
0:41:03 > 0:41:07Ohhhh, unbelievable.
0:41:07 > 0:41:07Thank you, darling.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11Look at that scuff on the railing!
0:41:11 > 0:41:15- That wallaby Craig said he'd buff it up for me and... You look radiant. - Thanks.
0:41:15 > 0:41:20- This scuff, it really shows up. - DOOR BELL - A-ha, Susan!
0:41:20 > 0:41:21Told you we needn't have worried!
0:41:21 > 0:41:24What did we say, seven, and it's seven on the dot. Ha-ha!
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Come in, come in, come in! Roger!
0:41:27 > 0:41:29It's Roger!
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Come in, Roger, it's nice to see you, come in.
0:41:32 > 0:41:36- Hello? Ben?- Yeah. Good to see you, you're looking good, looking good, let me take your coat for you.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38I'm not stopping, I just popped by to say hello.
0:41:38 > 0:41:42- I'm on my way to my bell ringing concert. - Oh, please stay, Roger?
0:41:42 > 0:41:45Yeah, forget the bell concert.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48You want to try playing Silent Night without B flat and C major?
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Good luck, my friend.
0:41:50 > 0:41:56Plus, it's the one night of the year my bells might get some action.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01I'll be off then. Have a good party!
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Oh, well. Bit of a setback.
0:42:09 > 0:42:13Setback? It's party armageddon.
0:42:13 > 0:42:18I did everything I could to make this party a success, but there's one obstacle even I couldn't overcome.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20- You.- Me?
0:42:20 > 0:42:22Well, I don't see anyone else here.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25Which is strange, considering this is supposed to be a party!
0:42:25 > 0:42:29Face it, Ben. Nobody's coming because nobody likes you.
0:42:29 > 0:42:33Do not do this, we must not turn on each other. You know why?
0:42:33 > 0:42:37- Because if I kill you, I'll be the only one at the party? - No. The only real enemy here
0:42:37 > 0:42:39is him, him next door.
0:42:39 > 0:42:40Now we must focus on the positive.
0:42:40 > 0:42:44The easy thing to do would be to say, hey, it's not our night, let's just bow out gracefully.
0:42:44 > 0:42:49We gave this competing parties thing our best shot, but clearly we failed. Miserably.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52As rallying speeches go, Ben, that one really sucks.
0:42:52 > 0:42:56Let me finish, OK? Most people I know would give up right now, but not us, Susan, not us, no way.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59We're Harpers. We are made of sterner stuff. OK, come on.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Where are we going?
0:43:01 > 0:43:04- Casey's party.- Isn't that giving in?
0:43:04 > 0:43:06Not the way we're going to do it.
0:43:10 > 0:43:14My God. It's better than I dreamed.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16You mean, worse than you feared.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18Potato, potahto.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22Scott? Michael? What are you doing here?
0:43:22 > 0:43:27Er, we're sabotaging Casey's party by drinking all his booze, so
0:43:27 > 0:43:30- everyone will have to come to your party.- They're having a party?
0:43:30 > 0:43:33Betrayed by my own son.
0:43:35 > 0:43:39Oops, I seem to have walked into the wrong house.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42And mixed myself a pair of Martinis.
0:43:45 > 0:43:49- Betrayed by my own daughter.- Well, if it isn't Beauty and the Beast.
0:43:49 > 0:43:50Are you going to let him talk to you like that?
0:43:50 > 0:43:53I suppose we all knew it would come to this eventually,
0:43:53 > 0:43:56but not even I expected you to cave in quite so soon.
0:43:56 > 0:44:00Loathe as I am to admit it, Casey, but you certainly know how to hold a party.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03- Thanks.- Ooh, Melody.
0:44:03 > 0:44:06Meet Ben and Susan.
0:44:06 > 0:44:07This is my girlfriend, Melody.
0:44:07 > 0:44:09His girlfriend?
0:44:09 > 0:44:12- Well, that's surprising because we, um...- Yes?
0:44:12 > 0:44:15- Well, we just assumed that you were...- Single.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17- I mean, we had no idea you were... - Dating.
0:44:17 > 0:44:21Melody, dear, will you get Helga to clean up that bean dip off the hall floor?
0:44:26 > 0:44:27So, can I get you drinks?
0:44:27 > 0:44:29- Oh, Champagne, please.- Mmm.
0:44:29 > 0:44:31- me too, please. - Two Champagnes, right.
0:44:31 > 0:44:36- I'll just go and pop my cork and fill up your flutes. - Whatever grabs you.
0:44:38 > 0:44:42- Right, time to make our move. - What are you talking about?
0:44:42 > 0:44:46Well, this is the best party I've ever been to.
0:44:46 > 0:44:48It's time to bring it down.
0:44:51 > 0:44:54OK, simple sabotage, right.
0:44:54 > 0:44:58We cut off their electricity and they make a beeline to our little soiree.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01So we find the manhole cover, identify the mains supply,
0:45:01 > 0:45:04get the bolt cutters from next door and cut off their power.
0:45:04 > 0:45:05Or...
0:45:10 > 0:45:12GUESTS GASP IN DISAPPOINTMENT We could do this.
0:45:14 > 0:45:17OK, if you want to do it the simple way. Good work.
0:45:17 > 0:45:19- GUESTS CHEER - Ah.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22Nice try, Harper, but I've got a generator.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29What do we do now?
0:45:30 > 0:45:32Time for Plan B.
0:45:38 > 0:45:42Hey, that's quite a wild party next door, isn't it? Whoo, what a party!
0:45:42 > 0:45:44And it's catered for by Ainsley Harriott.
0:45:44 > 0:45:49Yeah, but I also heard that the fella throwing the party's a right pillock.
0:45:49 > 0:45:53Yeah, but you can't let one man's opinion skew your own judgement.
0:45:53 > 0:45:56Oh, no, no, everyone's saying it.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58Well done, Ben.
0:45:58 > 0:45:59OK, you try and do any better.
0:45:59 > 0:46:02OK. Watch and learn.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10Hey, guys, guys, come on, why don't you come to our party?
0:46:10 > 0:46:15- Because you two are taking this whole thing far too seriously and it's making you crazy.- Crazy!
0:46:15 > 0:46:17It's not making us crazy.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19Everybody conga!
0:46:19 > 0:46:22Form a line and follow me!
0:46:22 > 0:46:26Drop those dips and grab those hips!
0:46:26 > 0:46:29Everybody conga!
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Life is so much sweeter!
0:46:31 > 0:46:33We've got Margaritas!
0:46:33 > 0:46:35We've got Ainsley Harriott!
0:46:36 > 0:46:38We've got Ainsley Harriott!
0:46:40 > 0:46:43Arriba! Arriba! Arriba! Arriba!
0:46:56 > 0:47:00Here we go, next door! We've got Ainsley Harriott!
0:47:00 > 0:47:03Hey, better luck next year, Casey!
0:47:03 > 0:47:06Curse you, Ben Harper! Argh.
0:47:06 > 0:47:07And someone clean up that bean dip!
0:47:09 > 0:47:13Here we come, into the house and having fun!
0:47:13 > 0:47:17Ha, yeah, ha, that's brilliant, come on.
0:47:17 > 0:47:18And we've got a real treat,
0:47:18 > 0:47:20namely Ainsley Harriott!
0:47:20 > 0:47:23Hey, Susan, you were brilliant!
0:47:23 > 0:47:25Brilliant is what I do.
0:47:25 > 0:47:27Come here, you.
0:47:27 > 0:47:31This way, muchachos! This way!
0:47:31 > 0:47:37Everybody conga, everybody conga!
0:47:37 > 0:47:40That swine Casey has double conga'd us!
0:47:40 > 0:47:43Mikey! Come on, Mikey, you can't leave us like this!
0:47:43 > 0:47:45Ah, yeah, you're right.
0:47:45 > 0:47:47Happy New Year!
0:47:47 > 0:47:49Mikey Mikey!
0:47:55 > 0:48:00Well, New Year's Eve and, er, thank you. Just us.
0:48:00 > 0:48:02It's not fair, Ben.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04We've did everything right.
0:48:04 > 0:48:06Great food, great music.
0:48:06 > 0:48:08But nobody's coming.
0:48:08 > 0:48:11- KNOCK AT THE DOOR - So, how are you guys enjoying my canapes, all right?
0:48:11 > 0:48:14- Mmm, delicious, Ainsley. - Oh, thank you.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17Which is good, because we'll be enjoying the leftovers for months.
0:48:17 > 0:48:21Well, maybe not that long.
0:48:21 > 0:48:25Er, listen, Susan, I was wondering, if there's nothing else, you know, perhaps I could...
0:48:25 > 0:48:27Yes, it's fine, Ainsley.
0:48:27 > 0:48:29You can go to Casey's party.
0:48:37 > 0:48:39Oh, this is ridiculous.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41Well, albeit thirst-quenching.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44Let's face it, Ben, we're done.
0:48:44 > 0:48:47I hate to admit it, but I think you're right.
0:48:47 > 0:48:49Oh, please, knock it off!
0:48:49 > 0:48:50PHONE
0:48:55 > 0:48:58Oh, no, no, no, not now, that's all I need.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01It's the emergency surgery number.
0:49:02 > 0:49:08I'm sorry, but Ben Harper is not available to take your call, please leave your number after the tone.
0:49:08 > 0:49:10Rolf?
0:49:10 > 0:49:12- Rolf Harris? Hi!- Rolf Harris!
0:49:14 > 0:49:17Yes! Oh, I'm sorry, what, the filling's fallen out?
0:49:17 > 0:49:20Ah, well, does happen from time to time.
0:49:20 > 0:49:23I'll, er, tell you what, I'll meet you over at the surgery and I can...
0:49:23 > 0:49:26No, no! Get him here! Invite him here!
0:49:26 > 0:49:29Why don't you come over to my house?
0:49:29 > 0:49:32Mmm hmm, I'll give you the address.
0:49:32 > 0:49:34Oh, and tell you what, why don't you,
0:49:34 > 0:49:36why don't you dress up?
0:49:38 > 0:49:41Come on in, ladies and gentlemen, please! Roll up, roll up!
0:49:41 > 0:49:46The wonder from Down Under, for one night only, Mr Rolf Harris! Thank you! Yeah!
0:49:48 > 0:49:53How about that, ladies and gentlemen, at great expense, we have the legend, Mr Rolf Harris!
0:49:56 > 0:49:57Yeah, can we have Jake the Peg now?
0:49:57 > 0:50:01- What about the tooth?- No, no, no, I'll do it later, it's fine, fine.
0:50:01 > 0:50:04- I'm just waiting for everyone to get here cos I work better with a crowd. - Yeah, but I'm in pain!
0:50:04 > 0:50:10Yeah, I know but, Rolf, we've got 18 verses of The Court of King Caractacus to get through.
0:50:10 > 0:50:14- Listen, I'm off home.- No, no, Rolf, Rolf, please, you'll be doing Stairway to Heaven with a whistle.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17- I'll get me didge. - All right, he's getting his didge, he's getting his didge, everyone!
0:50:17 > 0:50:21Just getting the didge.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24This must be a treat for you, eh, Craig?
0:50:24 > 0:50:28- Rolf Harris, I mean, you must be thrilled.- Why?
0:50:28 > 0:50:31- He's an incredibly famous Australian. - I've never heard of him.
0:50:31 > 0:50:37- Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport? - Why would you do that to a poor kangaroo?
0:50:37 > 0:50:40It's a song.
0:50:40 > 0:50:42- It's a cruel song.- Craig!
0:50:42 > 0:50:45You must be thrilled - Rolf Harris, eh?
0:50:45 > 0:50:47Oh, don't waste your breath.
0:50:47 > 0:50:49- Benny. The shark's in the garden. - The sh- What?
0:50:49 > 0:50:52- Fireworks are ready and steady, Ben-O.- Ah, great, fireworks, great.
0:50:52 > 0:50:55- Wait till I give the signal, OK? - Yeah, right you are, mate.
0:50:55 > 0:50:58Well, Harper, it seems you've outpartied me.
0:50:58 > 0:51:02I suppose even a blind squirrel like yourself can find the occasional nut.
0:51:02 > 0:51:05Mmm-hmm, Casey, just help yourself to some cheese.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07Go well with your sour grapes.
0:51:07 > 0:51:10Don't, Ben. It's not his fault. Not every party can have Rolf Harris.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13- Rolf Harris? Really, is he here? - Yes, Rolf Harris, he's our...
0:51:13 > 0:51:15- Is that.. Is that Jody?- Oh, Rolf!
0:51:18 > 0:51:19How are you?
0:51:19 > 0:51:21I don't believe it. You two know each other?
0:51:21 > 0:51:27- I don't believe it. Your name's Jody?- Jody the Roadie, he was the road manager on my first world tour.
0:51:27 > 0:51:31- He's the only one that I would trust to handle my didgeridoo.- I'm sure.
0:51:31 > 0:51:33Does Melody know about this?
0:51:33 > 0:51:37Listen, Rolf, I've still got one of your old Stylophones up in my loft.
0:51:37 > 0:51:39Do you care to pop over and give it a tickle?
0:51:39 > 0:51:41What a good idea, yeah, let's do it!
0:51:41 > 0:51:43- Right!- But Rolf, Rolf, Rolf, I'm going to do the tooth.
0:51:43 > 0:51:46Right everybody, come on, party's moving back to my house.
0:51:46 > 0:51:47THEY ALL CHEER
0:51:49 > 0:51:53Come on guys. Little operation here, if you want to watch.
0:51:53 > 0:51:59- I'm going to do it in the kitchen. Mikey! Scott, come on!- Come on!
0:52:09 > 0:52:11Not long to go now.
0:52:11 > 0:52:13Yep.
0:52:14 > 0:52:18And still no-one at our New Year's Eve party.
0:52:18 > 0:52:20Nope.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24Yup, 20 minutes to go.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28You want to go up and make love?
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Ten times?
0:52:35 > 0:52:39- Harper.- Go away, Casey. - Ready to admit defeat?
0:52:39 > 0:52:41Leave us to wallow in peace.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43I don't enjoy this, you know,
0:52:43 > 0:52:44this winning.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47Well, not much anyway.
0:52:47 > 0:52:51Just concede defeat, and you can join the festivities at my place.
0:52:51 > 0:52:55I'd hate to think of you two losers seeing in the New Year alone.
0:53:04 > 0:53:06- You've done it again, Ben.- And why?
0:53:06 > 0:53:10Because you keep inspiring me, my love.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13You're insane. You're insane, you know that?
0:53:13 > 0:53:16You're actually risking prison just to have a better party than me?
0:53:16 > 0:53:17Pretty much.
0:53:17 > 0:53:20I'll sue you for every penny you've got, even if it takes
0:53:20 > 0:53:23- the rest of my life, I'm going to make sure that you two are...- Sorry.
0:53:23 > 0:53:25Couldn't quite catch that last part.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28- KNOCK AT THE DOOR - Here you are.
0:53:28 > 0:53:30I thought this would be a good time for Scott to get to know you better.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37- Or we could come back later. - Mikey, wha...?
0:53:39 > 0:53:42Attention, party people.
0:53:42 > 0:53:47Black mould, repeat black mould has been discovered in Casey's house.
0:53:47 > 0:53:52Please make your way next door where the party will conclude.
0:53:52 > 0:53:57Please bring drinks with you, and any you can find, but please use coasters,
0:53:57 > 0:53:59repeat, please use...
0:53:59 > 0:54:02- Ben! - Sorry, I just love this megaphone.
0:54:02 > 0:54:03It's great! All right, Casey?
0:54:08 > 0:54:14- We did it, Susan. We did it! Just a few minutes to midnight.- I know! Nothing can ruin this party now!
0:54:14 > 0:54:17Ooh, hang on, hang on, Craig! Craig!
0:54:17 > 0:54:20Ahoy, Ben-O. Ripper party you've got going here, mate!
0:54:20 > 0:54:23- Is the shark in the garden?- What?
0:54:23 > 0:54:25Never mind. Are the fireworks ready?
0:54:25 > 0:54:30- Oh, yeah!- On my command, unleash illegal Chinese fireworks!
0:54:34 > 0:54:36I can't believe we got away with it.
0:54:36 > 0:54:39- You really are wonderful.- Not as wonderful as you are, my darling.
0:54:39 > 0:54:41Oh, my God, this is it, this is it!
0:54:41 > 0:54:46This is it, this is it! Craig, Craig, start the music!
0:54:46 > 0:54:49- OK everybody, come through, come through.- Everybody, come this way!
0:54:49 > 0:54:52It's a very expensive, big display, OK?
0:54:52 > 0:54:53Be prepared to be blown away! Go!
0:55:20 > 0:55:23- Stop!- Yeah, Happy New Year, mate!
0:55:23 > 0:55:29Craig, stop, Craig, in the name of humanity, stop!
0:55:30 > 0:55:33No, turn round, you're missing it!
0:55:33 > 0:55:36Craig, Craig, stop!
0:55:38 > 0:55:40Indoors? Why indoors?
0:55:40 > 0:55:44My vol-au-vents are on fire!
0:55:45 > 0:55:48Three, two one...
0:55:48 > 0:55:52Happy New...
0:55:52 > 0:55:55Oh, sod this, I'm going home.
0:55:58 > 0:55:59FIREWORK SQUEALS
0:56:02 > 0:56:06That has to be our most interesting New Year's Eve ever.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08- Mmm, top five at least.- Mmm hmm.
0:56:08 > 0:56:16You know, despite all the money we've spent and all the damage to property,
0:56:16 > 0:56:18personal relationships,
0:56:18 > 0:56:20I wouldn't change a thing.
0:56:20 > 0:56:23No.
0:56:23 > 0:56:25Neither would I.
0:56:28 > 0:56:32So, what do we do about these two?
0:56:35 > 0:56:37We'll sort it out in the morning.
0:56:41 > 0:56:46THEY START ROLF HARRIS-STYLE RHYTHMIC BREATHING
0:57:14 > 0:57:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:57:15 > 0:57:19E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk