0:00:02 > 0:00:04Mum, Dad.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08I miss you.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11My Far Eastern adventure is not what I expected.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15I came here to follow my dreams
0:00:15 > 0:00:18and ended up being pursued by a nightmare.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22My backpack fell down a waterfall.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24My passport got stolen in a bar.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27My girlfriend turned out to be a man.
0:00:27 > 0:00:32Worst of all, my plan to set up a Punch and Judy franchise on every beach in Thailand
0:00:32 > 0:00:36fell foul of the all-powerful Puppeteers' Union.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39They're worse than the Triads.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42And I need to pay them 2,000 US dollars
0:00:42 > 0:00:46or they'll stuff me and mount me and use me as a glove puppet!
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Mum, Dad, if you're watching this, please wire me the money before it's too late!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I'm desperate.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Ugh! Cockroach!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Mum, Dad, if you're watching this,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11please wire me the money before it's too late!
0:01:11 > 0:01:16- I'm desperate. - You're not watching that again! You'll wear the tape out.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Just showing concern for our son.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Is the popcorn really necessary?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23He'll be all right.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27I sent him the 2,000 dollars.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28- Did you?- Yeah.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31So did I.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52# Noel, noel
0:01:52 > 0:01:54# Noel, noel
0:01:54 > 0:01:58# Born is the king of Israel... #
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Hey, Mikey!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09What?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Christmas is over for another year!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Rejoice unto the heavens!
0:02:24 > 0:02:29- There.- You could have waited till Boxing Day.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32You asked me to clear up after dinner.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I didn't mean tear down all the decorations 12 days early.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Well, we don't want the job hanging over us, do we?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Well, that was for me? Ah.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56TV PLAYS THEME TO THE GREAT ESCAPE
0:02:56 > 0:03:01I love this quiet time between Christmas and New Year.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03This lull.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- Don't you?- Yes.
0:03:05 > 0:03:13No more cards to write, presents to wrap, decorations to put up, turkey to stuff and baste...
0:03:13 > 0:03:14No...
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Hey! You didn't do any of those things - I did them all.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20No more arguments.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Now, you wait one minute. I'll be the judge of that.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Judge, jury and executioner. - PHONE RINGS
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Hello.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Janey, you've just interrupted a perfectly good row...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33And Merry Christmas to you, too...
0:03:35 > 0:03:37What?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40What?!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43What?!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47When?
0:03:47 > 0:03:48OK...
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Ben, Janey's coming over and she's bringing her...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- ..fiance!- What?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Janey's coming over?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Does she have to?- Ben, Ben...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Janey's got a fiance.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Yeah, I heard.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- Fiance?! - Don't you know what this means?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13She got engaged to a stranger without telling us?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15No.
0:04:15 > 0:04:21OK, yes. But it also means a wedding to organise.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22At last!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27No more Janey to support.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29At last!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35This is so exciting, Abi!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I know. I love Christmas.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Comes round quick, though.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Doesn't seem a year since we last put these up.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I was talking about the wedding.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Weddings aren't exciting. With my Dad, weddings are a weekly event.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51How lovely. You can be our resident wedding expert.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53No, thanks.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Weddings make me think of just one thing - divorce.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59They're here!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Oh, Abi - will he be handsome? Will he be rich?
0:05:02 > 0:05:07Que sera, sera, Susan. You'll soon find out.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09And when you do, don't tell me.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Hi, Mum. Merry Christmas!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Happy Christmas, darling. And congratulations!- Thank you.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Well, where is he, then?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Here. This is Ches! Ches, Mum.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Merry Crimbo! Pleased to meet you, er...
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Um... Susan. Thanks. Ches.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Well, what d'you think?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- It's an antique.- It certainly is.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- Ben!- So, let's meet the young whippersnapper.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46You're forty years too late.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Mmm? Oh, dear. Yeah, yeah, very good.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51That's very...
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Oh, my God!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Something the matter, Dad?- Nope.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Ring. Ring.- Ring. Big Ring, nice ring. Lovely ring.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Must be if you can see it from there.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Dad, this is Ches.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Hi, Dad!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Can't breathe. Can't breathe.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15So...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18you're marrying Janey?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Yep. You know,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24you're not what I expected.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26We're not what you expected?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- I thought you'd be much younger. No offence.- None taken.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34So, you're marrying Janey?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Oh, Ben, just shut up!- What? What's the matter with you?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- With me? Don't be ridiculous. - Now, I did expect this.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- Oh, Chesey!- Oh, Janey-ey!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I know what you're thinking.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Oh, no, you don't.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56"We were just like them, once upon a time!"
0:06:56 > 0:06:58How could you tell?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Well, Michael, Merry Christmas.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Wow. Thanks, Molly.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- I hoped you'd get these.- Good.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12What have you got?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14A set of dinner plates.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Uh-oh. Must be getting serious.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I know! Six weeks!
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Oh, Michael, maybe next Christmas we'll be eating off them together.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Wicked.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32No, I think maybe we should go to your place. Too many relatives here.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34OK, but shouldn't you get a jacket?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Nah. Being cold's more...
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Christmassy.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Abi, Molly mustn't get the slightest whiff there's a wedding.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43You've seen what she's like.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46She's started slowing down outside jewellers' windows.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Well, why don't you just break up with her, then?
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Well, because she gives the most fantastic...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Christmas presents.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00You know, Dad,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Janey's a very, very special lady.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Oh, yes...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10unique.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Don't you have something to ask, Ben?
0:08:11 > 0:08:15What? Yes? So, you're marrying Janey?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- No, not that again.- Sorry.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Ben - I mean "Dad" wants to know
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- if you can keep Janey in the manner to which she's become accustomed.- No.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Ches can do much better than that.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Do you know he owns Peppermint Puss...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31the chain of nightclubs?
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Lap-dancing, pole-dancing, table dancing, disco dancing...
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I think we've established that there's dancing.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Your father also wants to know how long you've known each other.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45How long is a white dove's kiss?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Ten days.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- But it seems like a lifetime.- Yeah.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Every minute we're not together seems like...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58a minute and a half.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Tell me you're happy for us, Dad.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I'll get back to you in a white dove's kiss.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13- When he lowered his poinsettia and I saw his face...!- I know.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16That man is old enough to be her... well, me.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20- I can't bear to think of Janey giving herself to some old crinkly.- No.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23It's bad enough I have to.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27That man was pulling grey hairs out of his pubes before Janey was born.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I wondered what the screaming was in the next ward.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36And those clothes, the tacky nightclubs, the tan, the jewellery.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38What does Janey see in him?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40He's so nouveau riche.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Well, at least he's riche.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Come on, chin up.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Don't forget you've got a wedding to organise.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Yes.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53A June wedding would be nice.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57And at least Janey will have a "riche" husband. So I'm off the hook.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Once you've paid for the wedding.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14Love the house name, Ches. Very witty. Yep, "Chez Ches"!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18No, Dad, it's Ches Ches.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20What happened with your education? No offence.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Oh, I only got a string of dental qualifications.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Oh, bummer!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Hello, Kenzo, darling.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31These'll give him nightmares, you know.
0:10:31 > 0:10:38- Mum...- Now park your carcasses and I'll drum up some nibbles after I phone my other "very special lady".
0:10:40 > 0:10:44His Mum. She's making the wedding cake.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47His mum?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I see.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Isn't he wonderful?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- I don't know. You tell us.- OK.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- He's wonderful!- But why do you think he's right for you?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh, I don't think, Mum. I know.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I've never felt so sure about anything in my life.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- How come?- A psychic told me.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- A what?- Yeah.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16You know, a psychic once told me I'd meet the one true love of my life at a wedding.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18And that's where I met Ches.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- It's destiny.- A psychic! Are...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Are you crazy?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27You can't live your life according to some mumbo-jumbo.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31If a psychic said you'd marry a donkey, would you?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33That's what they told me...
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Janey, there must be other weddings, other men...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39other psychics.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42But I love Ches. And in two weeks' time I'll be his wife.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Two weeks? I can't organise a wedding in two weeks!- Susan.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Oh, Mum, you don't have to.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Ches and I have organised everything.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Everything? You can't have.- Susan.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53You're hyperventilating, have a dip.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58What about the reception?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02We're having it here. If you've got it, flaunt it, get married in it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06The church, then? No church will take you at such short notice.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Oh, you're right. So we're having the ceremony here, too.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11No church wedding?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12This can't be happening.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16I know - it's like a dream.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Sometimes I have to pinch myself.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- I could help.- What's that, Dad?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I was just saying, I think I speak on behalf of Susan when I say...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Oh, and I want you to know I'm paying for it all, too.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29The whole shebang.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31So, Dad, what were you going to say?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Love the prawn things, son. Susan?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43I used to have such plans for Janey. Dreams.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45It's like she's going against my wishes all the way.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Or this may not be about you.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- And now even her wedding is being snatched away from us.- Good.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Look at it this way - you won't have to spend months planning it
0:12:57 > 0:13:00and I won't have to listen to you spending months planning it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02And it'll all be paid for by someone else.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Yes, by Ches.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Ches, Ben. She's marrying Ches.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11We have to call the wedding off!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14It's not ours to call off.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Is it?- I suppose.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It's all right, darling, it's all right. You'll get used to it.
0:13:26 > 0:13:33You'll think differently when you hear the patter of... tiny snakeskin boots.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- Are you sure you've thought this through, Janey?- There's no need.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Mum, this is destiny. The psychic, remember?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Bloody psychics, they never think about the future.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Haven't you heard of love or romance?- Of course.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I've heard of them.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I can't wait for the wedding.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02It's not just that Ches and I are destined. We're so compatible.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07We love the same things, you know - shopping, spending money,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11holidays, clubbing...shopping.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14These are all very important things, Susan.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- You think I'm doing this on a whim? - I wish it was something that solid.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Yeah, right. I've had enough of you two.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25I'm getting married with or without your blessing, and if you don't like it, you can stay away.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28OK, staying away it is, then.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33No, Ben. Janey obviously loves Ches.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35In the end, that's all that matters.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- We are not losing our daughter over this.- Oh. Aren't we?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39No.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42We've got to enter into the spirit of this wedding.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44You do some bonding with Ches.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46We'll invite his parents round.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And I'll need a new outfit.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53Some shoes, a handbag, two handbags. Oh, and you, here...
0:14:53 > 0:14:58- What's this?- Get writing your father of the bride speech.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- No chance!- Ben, you must.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02You're only father of the bride once.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- I can't. - Just write down what you really feel.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08OK.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12I don't want to make a speech.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Susan, this is an idiotic idea.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You need to get to know Ches, have a fatherly chat.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27At the Peppermint Puss?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Good God, we won't hear ourselves over the bumping and grinding.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Oh, we all have to make sacrifices. - Can I make some too?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36BOTH: No.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40CAR HORN BEEPS A TUNE That'll be him.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Unless it's old Mrs Burridge.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Bye.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Bye.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Right...Michael.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- Guest list.- But Dad's out. Wouldn't he want a say?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Yes. Guest list.
0:15:57 > 0:16:03You'll want to invite your little friends - Hubert, Jack, Molly...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05No! Not Molly.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- But she's your girlfriend. - Yes, but...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10confetti brings her out in hives.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Hives?- Yes.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Suit yourself.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Auntie Joyce,
0:16:18 > 0:16:22the Jacksons, Roger...
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Roger's coming?- Of course.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27What about Gran?
0:16:27 > 0:16:32Gran. No. She'll be too busy. She won't want to come.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- To the wedding of her only granddaughter?- Next!
0:16:35 > 0:16:40Come on, Susan. You have to have at least one embarrassing drunk at a wedding. It's tradition.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43If you don't invite Grace, we'll have to find another one.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45We'll put an ad in the paper. Next.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Dad.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- Dad!- Yeah.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55So, how's your business?
0:16:55 > 0:17:00- Um, it's pretty much like this really.- Really?
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Yeah, yeah. Well, we're both in the entertainment business, aren't we?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Yeah.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10I mean, what's more fun than a mouthful of healthy teeth?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13What do you think of the sound system?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Fine. We have Radio 2.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Seems to do the trick.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Oh, thanks, babe.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Thank you. Hey, that's nothing.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28You should see what dental nurses wear these days.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Let me get you another one.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, it's fine.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I was talking to her.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49What a night.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51What a night!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53And hello to you too, Ben.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Ches is not a normal son-in-law.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58What did you find out?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01He's already married? He's a junkie.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02He's a bag man to the mob.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Worse than that. He wouldn't let me pay for anything.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Not a penny, not a cent, not a Portuguese escudo.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- But you like not paying. - Yes, within reason.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13But he takes it to extremes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Valet parking - he paid. Drinks - he paid. Meal - he paid.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21Toilet attendant - he paid. Ten quid in the dancer's G-string - he paid.
0:18:21 > 0:18:27- A semi-naked girl was gyrating and all you could think about was who was paying?- By that stage, yes.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Good.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30So what did you and Ches talk about?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Who was paying!
0:18:34 > 0:18:38By the end of the night, I felt inadequate, completely redundant.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Susan, my role in this family has always been
0:18:41 > 0:18:44the poor schmuck who pays for everything. What am I now?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Just a poor schmuck?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Thank you.- Where are you going?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54To spend a penny. And this time no-one is going to stop me.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Oh, yes.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06What can I tell you about my only daughter, Janey?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Look at the facts, what do you see?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13An endless list of disappointments.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18A single mother, college drop-out,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21a grasping, shallow clothes horse,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23now married to a sugar daddy
0:19:23 > 0:19:28- with all the charm of a virulent stomach bug.- Stop, stop, stop!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- Yes, dear? - You can't say any of that!
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Yes, I can. I have to say what I really feel.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Oh, no, you're not wriggling out of it that easily.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Don't you know there's a wedding on?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- We've all got to do our bit and yours is making a speech.- Yes, but I...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- A proper one.- OK, OK... so what's your bit?
0:19:48 > 0:19:53Being an island...of calm.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55DOORBELL RINGS
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Oh, that's them!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Janey's just settling Kenzo.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08I was just telling Ben how proud we are of our Ches.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Do you know he brought strobe lighting to the Midlands?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15It must've been a great help down the mines.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18So were the hot pants! Refill, anyone?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21We've got all this to get through.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Oh, Ches brought a case?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Four cases.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27How generous.
0:20:27 > 0:20:33So, Edie, you must be delighted Ches has found a girl like Janey?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36No.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, right, of course,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42cos a man like Ches could have his pick of cheap little bimbos.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Believe me, I have - but I settled on Janey.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Ches is too young to be married.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Where did all the time go?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54You mean the last half century?
0:20:57 > 0:21:02- Lovely wife you've got there. - She's a miserable old cow.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I like that in a woman.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Our marriage is nothing but a sham.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Really? Can work for some people.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Not for us. We're only together for the sake of the kid.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- You've got a kid?- Ches.
0:21:15 > 0:21:21Just waiting for him to be off our hands and I can divorce her.
0:21:21 > 0:21:2355 years is enough for anyone.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Just look at the sour old baggage.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30So, Edie,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33how's your wedding cake coming along?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- It's finished.- Really?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Have you gone for the traditional three tiers or...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41It's in the shape of the Bridge of Sighs.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50..and these are Ches's cousins, Lucy and Marina.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53They're going to be my bridesmaids. Seeing as you won't.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- I hate weddings.- Oh, I love them.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59They're sexy, sexy, sexy.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02They're tiresome ritualistic social functions.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04With lots of men, men, men.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07So are public hangings.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09She gets it.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Oh, and Michael's going to be our page boy. ..Mike.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Aw!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- Right, that's it.- Michael...
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Nothing in the world could make me wear this in public.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24What about a phone call to Molly?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27How do you know about that? Abi!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- Oooooh!- Kill me now.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Hello, everyone. I've bought my wedding outfit.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- On your own?- Yes.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43I thought the one thing I'd be allowed to do for my own daughter's wedding
0:22:43 > 0:22:46is choose my own outfit.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Look, Mum, if it makes you feel better
0:22:49 > 0:22:53you can help me choose the material for the bridesmaids' dresses.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54OK!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58I was thinking pretty pastel shades with ribbons...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Mum, it's between the leopard print or the zebra.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Leopard print or zebra?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Can I be a bridesmaid?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11One day to the wedding.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12You must be so excited.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Tomorrow, thanks to some dunderhead psychic,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20my daughter's marrying a decrepit disco king she hardly knows.
0:23:20 > 0:23:26They're pledging their vows in a room that would make Liberace vomit.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30The bridesmaids look like extras from Tarzan.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34The wedding cake is in the shape of the Bridge of Sighs.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39The bride's father thinks he's making a speech for the prosecution, and there's something else...
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Oh, yes, yes...
0:23:40 > 0:23:42your grandmother's coming.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46What are you smirking at?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Can I bring Molly?
0:23:49 > 0:23:55The most important advice about marriage is this - stand up for yourself, Janey.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Be assertive and confident.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03Not self-effacing and submissive like I am with your father.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Yes? What do you want?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Sorry, darling. Could I just have a little word with Janey? Alone.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10OK.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14But don't tire her out.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Dad, look, destiny is guiding me.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I don't need your fatherly advice.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25No...
0:24:25 > 0:24:29you don't need anything from me any more, do you, Janey?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Oh, look.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37It reminds me of your teddy - Mr Eddy Edwin Tedworth.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Yeah, that's him.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Oh, mm-hm.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- Ah. It doesn't seem that long since...- Yes, well...
0:24:46 > 0:24:48..big day tomorrow and I'm tired
0:24:48 > 0:24:51so just do your advice bit and go.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Er, Janey, darling...
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I just want to say...
0:25:05 > 0:25:07..always remember to floss...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13..regularly.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Sounds good.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18'Night, Dad.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Sweet dreams.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Oh, you moron!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Oh, not you as well? And what advice have you got?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40This - find yourself another page boy.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- Right, I'm phoning Molly. - Too late. I've already invited her.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- The way this wedding's shaping up, it'll put her off for life. - Oh, thanks!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50A blessing on you too, Michael.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59FLY BUZZES
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I'm also running out of food.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35FLY BUZZES
0:26:37 > 0:26:44I think it says "mother of the bride" in a hip, young, island of calm way.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47And what does my outfit say?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50HE GIVES A TARZAN CRY
0:26:50 > 0:26:53HE CHATTERS LIKE A CHIMPANZEE
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Ah, Molly...got your hives under control?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01My last girlfriend kept bees.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Susan, would you like to hear the fourth draft of my speech?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Right. What can I tell you about my only daughter, Janey...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11No, no, stop, stop. I can't bear it!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Each draft gets worse.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I give in.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- Michael, you're making the father of the bride speech.- Aw!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20But I'm not her father.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Stop nit-picking.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Listen, I don't want any embarrassments today.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Michael, obey orders.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Ben, keep your eye on Ches Senior.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Abi, make sure that Marina girl keeps her knickers on.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38And all of you, all of you...
0:27:38 > 0:27:41keep Gran off the booze.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Oh, look...it's that damned elusive Pimpernel.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55No, no, it's me, Roger Bailey.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57And look who I found on the doorstep!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Horizontal or vertical?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Ben, you look radiant.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05Hello, mother. Glad you could make it.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Oh, I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I understand it's going to be ghastly.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Roger, you look...
0:28:14 > 0:28:16unusual.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Thanks. You too, Abi.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27- This reminds me of the morning of your wedding.- Oh. Really, Mum?
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Mmm.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31The hairdresser was late then, too.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34The hairdresser has already been.
0:28:34 > 0:28:40Try to keep something back, Grace. You're going to need all your bile for later.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Mother, just so that you know,
0:28:43 > 0:28:47I ought to warn you that the groom is a little older than you might expect.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50I know, Susan, you wrote it on my invitation.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51You didn't!
0:28:51 > 0:28:55- She wrote it on all the invitations. - I was trying to avoid embarrassment.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Oh, Michael, look, here comes the bride!
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Here comes the embarrassment!
0:29:02 > 0:29:05ALL: Oh!
0:29:22 > 0:29:24- Today's the day, Ben, eh?- Yeah.
0:29:24 > 0:29:29- Free at last.- Well, I wouldn't say Janey's exactly been a burden.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32No, I was talking about me!
0:29:32 > 0:29:38- As soon Ches and Janey are on that plane to Acapulco, Edie won't see me for dust.- Well, congratulations.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40I hope you'll be very happy apart.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Presents over here, please.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Presents over here, please.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Brother of the bride.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51Glad to see you're making yourself useful.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Stash these with the others, Hubert.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Now, that is a bit fit.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03That's Roger.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07Those breeches emphasise things, don't they?!
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Hey! This isn't a cattle market.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13Sexy, sexy, sexy.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17I'm just looking out for Roger.
0:30:17 > 0:30:18I noticed.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Understated little place.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Everyone to their taste.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Taste isn't the word that springs to mind.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31What does this, um, "Ches" do?
0:30:31 > 0:30:34- He's in night clubs. - And during the day?
0:30:34 > 0:30:38There's plenty of time for this later. And remember...
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Yes, yes, I know, don't worry -
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Ches is a little older than I'd expect.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Oh, sorry, sorry.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Ches Rochester.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56Grace Riggs. So you're Ches?
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Haven't you done well?
0:31:01 > 0:31:02Oh, yes.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05This is the happiest day of my life.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07Fancy a dance later?
0:31:07 > 0:31:11And who knows what might follow?
0:31:12 > 0:31:17- Your wife?- Soon to be ex-wife.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19I see.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Excuse me.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Ah, how sweet...
0:31:29 > 0:31:30twins!
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Which of you was born first?
0:31:36 > 0:31:38You can't tell.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44- Well, Edie, I think you have excellent taste.- Hmmph.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Better than my son's.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50How could he be doing this to me?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Oh, Ches!
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Are you the little boy I carried?
0:31:54 > 0:31:57I don't know. Does your broomstick seat two?
0:32:00 > 0:32:04- How's the island of calm? - Storm-lashed, overrun by pirates
0:32:04 > 0:32:07and in the path of an oncoming oil slick.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Susan, meet Nige, the wedding photographer.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Actually, this is my first wedding.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Oh. But you are a photographer?
0:32:15 > 0:32:18Oh, yeah. Glamour.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Pretty young ladies for magazines.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22That kind of thing.
0:32:22 > 0:32:23Lovely.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31- I think we're about to kick off.- Ah,
0:32:31 > 0:32:34the traditional entrance of the bridegroom, Chester Rochester,
0:32:34 > 0:32:37flanked by a brace of delightful sex-kittens.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50If that's Ches, who's he?
0:32:51 > 0:32:53His father, Ches Senior.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55He's leaving his wife after the wedding.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Oh, that's a relief.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Where the hell is the bride?
0:33:02 > 0:33:07Kenzo. Nappy. And don't say "hell" in chur...in a living room.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Sit down, please. Quickly now. It's Saturday.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12- Back to back weddings. - But...- Just do it.
0:33:12 > 0:33:17- Name, please.- Ben Harper.- Repeat - "I, Ben Harper, take thee..."
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Sorry, could we just sort of wait for the bride?
0:33:19 > 0:33:21It is traditional, mate.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24You're not telling me this isn't a gay ceremony?
0:33:24 > 0:33:29- No, of course not.- Oh, come on! - I know you're in a hurry,
0:33:29 > 0:33:31but I'm not about to enter a bigamous gay marriage
0:33:31 > 0:33:34with my daughter's fiance to help you out.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Pity - you make a lovely couple.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41Here's my special lady now.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46There's a good boy. Thanks, Roger.
0:33:49 > 0:33:56Right, people. Underwater wedding at the Lido in an hour. Let's get married! Repeat -
0:33:56 > 0:34:00"I, Jane Elizabeth Laura Harper take thee, Chester Rochester, to be my lawful wedded husband."
0:34:00 > 0:34:05I, Jane Elizabeth Laura Harper take thee, Chester Rochester, to be my lawful wedded husband.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07- Vice-versa. You get the gist. - I, Chester Rochester,
0:34:07 > 0:34:10take thee, Jane Elizabeth Laura Harper, to be my lawful wedded wife!
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Come on, time to smile after you're married.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16Are you, Jane Elizabeth Laura Harper, lawfully free to marry Chester Rochester?
0:34:16 > 0:34:19- I am.- Are you, Chester Rochester, lawfully free to marry Jane Elizabeth Laura Harper?
0:34:19 > 0:34:21I sure am.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23No customising, please.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Rings. Rings, come on!
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Ow!
0:34:33 > 0:34:38Janey...you are the hurricane beneath my wings,
0:34:38 > 0:34:43the cream leather upholstery in my favourite Ferrari,
0:34:43 > 0:34:48the filtration system in the jacuzzi of my life.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Oh, you just take your time!
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Let the couple at the Lido drown waiting.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Ches...
0:34:57 > 0:35:01you are my destiny, my fate,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04the platinum Amex card in my Prada wallet.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09I want to laugh with you in the rain,
0:35:09 > 0:35:13cry with you in the sun. Janey.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16I'll stand by your side every day.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20I'll dance by your side every night.
0:35:20 > 0:35:21Ches.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26Yes!
0:35:26 > 0:35:28OK, OK...
0:35:28 > 0:35:33we've nearly nailed this one. Let's sign the register. Come on.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Music!
0:35:35 > 0:35:41MUSIC: Theme From "2001: A Space Odyssey"
0:35:42 > 0:35:45All right, mother-in-law?
0:35:50 > 0:35:53OK, everyone, OK...
0:35:53 > 0:35:58lick your lips, stick out your tongues a little...
0:35:58 > 0:36:02now...make love to me, everyone!
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Beautiful, beautiful!
0:36:11 > 0:36:14That's top notch! Lovely!
0:36:22 > 0:36:25- I remember our wedding day so clearly.- Yeah?
0:36:25 > 0:36:27Don't worry,
0:36:27 > 0:36:29you won't remember this one at all.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33Susan, did you say no-one should embarrass Janey?
0:36:33 > 0:36:36Yes. I'd better check no-one is.
0:36:36 > 0:36:37I'm going to circulate.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44- Dad!- Ches!
0:36:46 > 0:36:52- Maybe we should have that father-in-law, son-in-law chat that you wanted.- Sure, son.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Once my ribs have healed.
0:36:54 > 0:36:59- Abi, have you seen Michael? - Yeah, he just left the marquee.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08- Jealous?- We're just friends.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Yeah, like those two.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Here's some more. How's it going?
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Superbly.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25How did people manage to flog wedding presents before we had eBay?
0:37:25 > 0:37:27What's the latest, then?
0:37:27 > 0:37:32The crystal tumblers are up to 50 quid, the espresso machine is at 70
0:37:32 > 0:37:35and we've got a girl-fight over the novelty cruet set.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39- Excellent.- Janey is all right about us doing this?
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Janey?
0:37:41 > 0:37:46Of course. After all, who needs a yoghurt maker and musical smoke alarm?
0:37:46 > 0:37:50A woman in Stavanger, Norway, apparently.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Michael, do you think I might come out and eat at some point?
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Not yet. Keep at it.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59I'll send someone in with a canape.
0:37:59 > 0:38:00Smashing!
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Ah.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Molly. Hi. Having fun?
0:38:08 > 0:38:10- No.- Great!
0:38:10 > 0:38:13- Who've you got in there?- No-one.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17Just checking on the presents. You know what weddings are like. A hotbed of crime.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Stomach acid?
0:38:24 > 0:38:26- All the time! - What a drag, eh, Dad?
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Yep. Arthritis?
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Check! Big toe, left foot. You?
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Right knee, left elbow...
0:38:33 > 0:38:36- Peeing in the night? - Yeah, tell me about it!
0:38:36 > 0:38:39- Well, last night my bladder... - No, maybe not.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43- Ear hair?- What? - Ear hair?- Yeah, yeah.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45I could knit a sweater.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48- On the old Viagra, yet, then? - Of course not.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Me neither.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Abi...
0:38:53 > 0:38:59I think you should go and see what Roger's up to in the corner, over there.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01I knew it!
0:39:01 > 0:39:04That piece of trash!
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Don't be embarrassing, Abi!
0:39:08 > 0:39:11- Roger!- Abi.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14- You've written my name. - Yes, er...
0:39:14 > 0:39:17- I was making a list. - What of?
0:39:17 > 0:39:19People I see.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21Where are the other names?
0:39:21 > 0:39:23I'm short-sighted.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26What's with all the hearts?
0:39:26 > 0:39:29It's because...
0:39:29 > 0:39:31I love...
0:39:31 > 0:39:33making lists.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35I love...
0:39:35 > 0:39:38- making lists too.- You do?
0:39:38 > 0:39:41Oh, Abi, I never...
0:39:41 > 0:39:43Has anyone seen Michael?
0:39:49 > 0:39:51Oh, look!
0:39:51 > 0:39:54My mother's not good enough for your husband, then?
0:39:54 > 0:39:59No Harper could ever be good enough for a Rochester.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03You know what, Edie... you're a sour old bat.
0:40:03 > 0:40:08I hate your son, I hate your husband, and most of all
0:40:08 > 0:40:11I hate your cake!
0:40:12 > 0:40:14You're jealous of my cake.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16You've always been jealous of my cake.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19And you haven't even tasted it yet.
0:40:19 > 0:40:20I'll die first!
0:40:20 > 0:40:23Probably afterwards too.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Hello, darling. Having a magical day?
0:40:27 > 0:40:32Oh, just perfect, Mum. Just like the psychic predicted.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35You should have said before...
0:40:35 > 0:40:38- I'd have let you foot some of the bill.- No, it's nice to know...
0:40:38 > 0:40:42I never wanted you to feel emasculated or humiliated
0:40:42 > 0:40:45or cheap or... lower than the lowest...
0:40:45 > 0:40:48Ches, Ches, it's OK, you've made your point.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Ah, here comes the bride!
0:40:50 > 0:40:51Janey!
0:40:51 > 0:40:55Hello, Mrs Rochester!
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Hello, Mr Rochester!
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Hello, Jack Daniels.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06Right! Come out. I know you're in there.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11And you too, Romeo.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19I think of myself more as Mercutio.
0:41:20 > 0:41:26And looking at Ches I think we can all agree that he has found true happiness.
0:41:26 > 0:41:30But we're not just here to celebrate 20 years of Peppermint Puss. There is a wedding on.
0:41:30 > 0:41:35Oh, which reminds me, present your wedding invitations at any of our clubs and get a free rum and coke.
0:41:35 > 0:41:40Get on with it, Nev. None of us are getting any younger.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44I'm only saying.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48And now we come to a very special time on this very special occasion.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51A speech from the father of the bride.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
0:41:53 > 0:41:57- Michael Harper!- Sit down, Mikey. I'm going to do this speech.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01- No, Ben, please...- Susan, I am the father. Susan.
0:42:10 > 0:42:15Now what can I tell you about my only daughter, Janey?
0:42:15 > 0:42:18Well, look at the facts and tell me, what do you see?
0:42:20 > 0:42:22An endless list of...
0:42:22 > 0:42:25attributes.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Now where do I start?
0:42:28 > 0:42:31OK. OK. Here goes.
0:42:31 > 0:42:34Janey is a...
0:42:36 > 0:42:38..beautiful young woman
0:42:38 > 0:42:40with a firm will and a sharp wit.
0:42:40 > 0:42:44Clear-eyed and determined. She's always known what she's wanted
0:42:44 > 0:42:46and no-one was going to stop her. Believe me, I know.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50She was told apparently by a psychic
0:42:50 > 0:42:54that she was going to meet the man of her dreams at a wedding.
0:42:54 > 0:43:01And that man has turned out to be Ches, who's finally saying goodbye to his Mum and Dad,
0:43:01 > 0:43:05to make a family of his own.
0:43:05 > 0:43:08So, ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to raise your glasses
0:43:08 > 0:43:15to...a funny, lively, spirited, cheeky, little girl...
0:43:16 > 0:43:20..who's grown into a wonderful daughter...
0:43:22 > 0:43:24..a wonderful mother
0:43:24 > 0:43:28and, no doubt,
0:43:28 > 0:43:29a wonderful wife.
0:43:33 > 0:43:35Oh, God!
0:43:35 > 0:43:37I give you
0:43:37 > 0:43:39Janey and Ches!
0:43:41 > 0:43:45ALL: Janey and Ches!
0:44:00 > 0:44:02Oh, Ben. That was so moving.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04Not at all embarrassing.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06I feel like I've let you down.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08No, of course you haven't.
0:44:08 > 0:44:11- Ladies and gentlemen, I'm the mother of the bride...- Susan.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14..and my husband is just...
0:44:19 > 0:44:20My cake!
0:44:20 > 0:44:23Really!
0:44:25 > 0:44:27Oops.
0:44:36 > 0:44:40MUSIC: "I'm Not In Love" by 10CC
0:44:42 > 0:44:44Oh, what's this?
0:44:44 > 0:44:48Oh, look, a little more masonry from the Bridge of Sighs.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54Bit heavy on the marzipan.
0:44:55 > 0:44:57But then so were you!
0:44:59 > 0:45:04Ben, I never want to go to another wedding ever.
0:45:05 > 0:45:10No worries. There won't be another wedding ever.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14Oh, yeah?
0:45:21 > 0:45:23# I like to see you
0:45:25 > 0:45:27# But then again
0:45:28 > 0:45:30# That doesn't mean
0:45:30 > 0:45:33# You mean that much to me... #
0:45:36 > 0:45:38Everyone, hello. Hi.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41I'd just like to say a few words.
0:45:41 > 0:45:43Thank you all for coming.
0:45:43 > 0:45:46This has been the most wonderful day of my whole life.
0:45:49 > 0:45:55And it's been made all the more special by the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
0:45:55 > 0:45:57Lars!
0:46:02 > 0:46:04Ches, I want a divorce.
0:46:16 > 0:46:19I told you I was destined to meet the love of my life at a wedding.
0:46:19 > 0:46:23Yes, but not your own wedding to somebody else!
0:46:23 > 0:46:28That speech, Ben. Why did you have to mention that damn psychic?
0:46:28 > 0:46:31- Poor Ches.- I'm cool, Mr and Mrs H.
0:46:31 > 0:46:35I've still got my clubs and my beautiful ladies.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38And the wedding's been good for business.
0:46:38 > 0:46:42And it's probably best he stays single for the sake of his parents' marriage.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45Poor Ches Senior.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48No worries. I'm taking Mum and Dad to Acapulco for the honeymoon.
0:46:48 > 0:46:52- Party time.- Well, gotta fly.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56Oh, Janey, are you happy with what we talked about?
0:46:56 > 0:47:00- Yeah, it's a great offer, Ches, but I don't want your money.- What?!
0:47:00 > 0:47:04- I made the mistake. - Don't make another.
0:47:04 > 0:47:05She'll be all right, Ben.
0:47:05 > 0:47:08- She's still got us to support her. - Yippee.
0:47:08 > 0:47:11You said some lovely things about me today, Daddy.
0:47:11 > 0:47:15- Oh, all lies.- Stop it, Ben. You're sullying the memory of her wedding.
0:47:15 > 0:47:18It's all right - we've always got the photos.
0:47:18 > 0:47:22Ben, I'm sorry things didn't work out the way that you wanted
0:47:22 > 0:47:25and maybe this will ease the pain.
0:47:25 > 0:47:28A special gift from me to you.
0:47:28 > 0:47:29Oh, really? Cheers.
0:47:29 > 0:47:33I'm going to let you pay for the wedding.
0:47:35 > 0:47:39Just going to be sick with gratitude.
0:47:41 > 0:47:45Right, young lady. You and Lars.
0:47:45 > 0:47:47Church wedding?
0:47:49 > 0:47:51Mum! Dad! Emergency!
0:47:51 > 0:47:53The money didn't arrive.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56I think it was stolen online by cyber-pirates.
0:47:56 > 0:48:00Anyway, the price has gone up. I need 3,000 US dollars and I need it quickly!
0:48:00 > 0:48:06The Puppeteers' Union have joined forces with the Guild of Lady Boys.
0:48:06 > 0:48:08Please help!
0:48:08 > 0:48:11I can't hide from them much longer.
0:48:11 > 0:48:13Please!
0:48:13 > 0:48:16And...cut.
0:48:18 > 0:48:21- Well, it was good for me.- Oh, yeah?
0:48:21 > 0:48:23I dunno.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25"Cyber-pirates"? Do you think they'll buy that?
0:48:25 > 0:48:28TOGETHER: Yeah.
0:48:28 > 0:48:30One more for luck?
0:48:30 > 0:48:32- OK.- OK.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41I think I'll try for 4,000 this time.