0:00:15 > 0:00:18Who invented Christmas, anyway?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20The sparkly lights, the happy carollers,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23the rosy-cheeked children - God help us!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Where's my spit bowl?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29IT'S CHRISTMAS!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Oh, my God! Ho-ho-ho, Ben!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Go-go-go, Roger!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Don't be such a grumpy old Scrooge!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40For your information,
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Scrooge was very much the misunderstood hero of that book...
0:00:44 > 0:00:48until the end, when Dickens copped out and made him nice.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Are you like this every year? I believe in tradition.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Why are you dressed like that? I'm going carolling with the accountants on the top floor.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I didn't know accountants celebrated Christmas. Want to come?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01We still need a good countertenor.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Ooh...no.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Don't you have patients? I've closed the surgery early - for Christmas.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Are you totally insane? This is our busiest time of the year!
0:01:12 > 0:01:18All the cracked teeth from the nuts, the smashed mouths from the office party punch-ups...
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Yes, this is the dentists' season to be jolly.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Oh, bah, humbug!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Don't you ever do that again.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Christmas isn't just about making money, Mr Scroogey.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41If I'd wanted something pointless hanging in my surgery, Roger, I'd use you.
0:01:41 > 0:01:47I see. And don't give me the puppy eyes. You knew I was evil when you took the surgery upstairs. Touche.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Roger, I know you mean well, but I just want to be left alone this Christmas.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I just wanna coast through.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I'm still recovering from all the mirth of last year.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02So when you see me out in the hall, don't ho-ho-ho me or ding-dong-merrily me.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Can I Good-King-Wenceslas you?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Susan! I thought we had a deal that you'd warn me when the in-laws were coming.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Susan! Oh! I'm glad you're here.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I'd like to introduce you to Cheerful Charlie Chortle, Uncle Maurice
0:02:33 > 0:02:36and the Amazing Beppo.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Well, if they're here, who's running the country?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40TOY BUZZES
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Why do you guys always do that?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45What is this, some sort of clown law?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Susan, could I, erm, have a word with you, please?
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Anything you have to say can be said in front of my clowns. Now! Oh, all right.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Take five, boys.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Lovely juggling.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01SMASH, BANGS AND GLASS SHATTERS
0:03:01 > 0:03:05What IS going on? I'm auditioning clowns. Want to be considered?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09We're celebrating Kenzo's birthday on Christmas Eve. What?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I want to make it special, cos it always gets overshadowed by Christmas.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Well, that's a good thing! That way, we just buy him the one present.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Conceiving illegitimately in March was the best thing Janey ever did.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23At the moment, I'm leaning towards Uncle Maurice.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Which one was he? Blue hat, big feet, red nose.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Loved him. Yep. But he reeked of booze.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32It's not booze, Ben, it's meths. Oh, that's fine(!) Kids love meths.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34He does fire-eating, Ben.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37How do you like your kids - medium rare or extra crispy?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39So NOW you start to care about children.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43You know, it seems like only yesterday when it was Janey's third birthday.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46When in fact it was tens of thousands of pounds ago.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Can't we knock Kenzo out with some cough medicine and tell him he had a party?
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Why don't I just give you cough medicine and tell you you had a wife?
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Listen, we're having this party and it'll be wonderful, even if you're there.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Will you excuse me? I have three clowns waiting.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07I'm sorry, once we've decided which one's right for the party, we'll let you know.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Ignore him, Mum.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13It's all right, Susan, I'm used to Ben's cruelty masquerading as wit.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17By the way, you have three old boyfriends in the living room.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Ha-ha-ha! Very good, Gracie.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Always leave on a good one.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23See you sometime in the new year.
0:04:23 > 0:04:29Ben, you know my mother's staying for Christmas. Then why is she dressed for Halloween?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Now, who wants a gin and tonic? I do!
0:04:32 > 0:04:36We're out of gin. The refineries haven't caught up since your last visit.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41Maybe I'll take my broomstick up to that charming little corner shop.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44You mean the off-licence? Is it?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45I hadn't noticed!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Don't even think of locking that door!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Locking it? I was thinking of bricking it up.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Oh, Ben, the poor woman's all alone.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54All her friends have died off. Even her cat ran away.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Yeah, yeah, and made you feel guilty.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Yep. Look, she's like a horror film.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02If we don't stick together, she'll pick us off one at a time.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06OK, I'm gonna have a nap. With any luck, I won't wake up.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Don't look for your presents.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10What do you mean? I thought we weren't gonna do them this year.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It's just something small.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15God!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19God, take me now!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Oh, yes!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Yeah! I'm not taking my shoes off, Susan.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31OK? Just take that, baby!
0:05:31 > 0:05:32OK, I'll take one off.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35OK.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I wonder where the presents are?!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51She's so predictable!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Hello, presents!
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Yes, I wonder what socks I'm gonna have to pretend to like this year.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06That'll be Janey.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13No, that's Michael.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Something small, she said, and something small...
0:06:20 > 0:06:22?1,200?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26All I got her was an ironing-board cover.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Maybe it's not for me.
0:06:30 > 0:06:36Oo-oo-oo-oh. "To the man who rocks my world."
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It's for me.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41It IS for me.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Oh, my God!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48KNOCKING ON DOOR Come in!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52What do you think, Dad?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Do you do hen nights?
0:06:55 > 0:06:56I'm a postman. Ah!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59It's my Christmas job. The one you forced me to get.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I-I did that? Oh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Well, I AM a good parent. Michael...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Erm, a little problem.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08A little problem...
0:07:08 > 0:07:12A tiny disparity between what I've spent on your mother's present
0:07:12 > 0:07:15and what she's spent on mine. How tiny?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20?1,197.53.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22You didn't get her a tea towel again?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It was tea towels, Michael, tea towels.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28What did you get her, then? An ironing-board cover(?)
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Look, it doesn't matter what it is.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34And without that cover, that ironing board would get burned, Michael, and burned very badly. OK?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Now, what do you think she'd want instead?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38I mean, you talk to her, and stuff.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Well, how about an Xbox?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Nah. She doesn't get off on those kind of films. God knows, I've tried.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49That's the sort of thought you should keep inside your head.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Come on, Michael, help me.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53What could I give your mother that she'd REALLY want?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Well... And don't say, "Her freedom." Oh.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59In that case, I have nothing.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04You know, Mother, you shouldn't mix the grape with the grain.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06They do in muesli.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12You've put that ring of mine away safely, haven't you, Susan? Yes...
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Are you sure you want to give a man you've just met an expensive present like that?
0:08:16 > 0:08:21Yes. I want to hang on to him. The sex is fantastic!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Mother, please, I intend to eat some time today.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27No, no, this is getting good.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Grandma? Mm?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Have you got yourself a toy boy?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33He's somewhat younger than me, yes.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Yoda is younger than you.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Erm, just popping out, OK? Just a little late Christmas shopping.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Dad, Gran's got herself a toy boy!
0:08:41 > 0:08:48Really? Is his guide dog nice? You can ask him yourself. I've invited him for Christmas dinner.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Ben, start the car!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Janey, we have to talk about Kenzo's party.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Why do you have to take control of everything?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. What was your plan for the party?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Erm...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Your plan sounds good. Let's go with that.
0:09:04 > 0:09:10You know the only reason she's doing this is because she forgot your third birthday?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Mother! You forgot my third birthday?
0:09:12 > 0:09:17I had three children under five. You were lucky I remembered to bring you in at night.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I never forgot YOUR birthday.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23That's only because it coincided with the Munich Beer Festival.
0:09:23 > 0:09:29Kenzo's having a party that no-one will forget. Anyone want a gin and tonic? I do.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Now, Janey, what are we going to do about Kenzo's father?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Shall I invite him or do you want to?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38But you don't know who he is.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41You better do it, then. Change the record, Mum.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45But it's important Kenzo has a father figure to help guide him through life.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Yeah, well, I managed without one.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Good one, Janey. Remember that for when Ben gets back.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55Mother, the hospital called. Your liver's ready.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Please, Janey, for me?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58OK, but here's the deal.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03If I invite him, you have to promise not to make a big thing of it and never mention it again.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Of course, darling. Thank you.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09You really forgot my third birthday?!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12And she left you out when it rained, too.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21I've booked a bouncy castle, a fireworks display, chocolate bubble blower,
0:10:21 > 0:10:25two face painters, Czechoslovakian puppet show.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Do you think that's enough?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32What, no fly-past by the Red Arrows(?)
0:10:32 > 0:10:38No Cossack dancers? No skydiving bears? They have skydiving bears? Ooh, yeah...
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Susan, why are you making such a big deal about this party?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Third birthdays are very important to children.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47I'm determined Janey's third birthday is going to be the best one ever. You mean Kenzo.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I said Kenzo. You didn't. You just said...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53OK. OK. Fine.
0:10:53 > 0:10:59I mean, just keep it under six figures, that's all, because I can't afford all this AND get you...
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Get me what? Er, nothing. Nothing.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05How much do you like ironing?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09It was just a quick question.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Good God! No wonder Charlie Chortle's chortling.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Look how much Charlie Chortle's charging!
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Actually, we're not having Charlie Chortle. He's having gall-bladder surgery.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Well, can't the kids watch that? It'll be cheaper and funnier.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Anyway, all of this is immaterial. I've managed to get Shingles.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Oh, God, I'm so sorry. So the party's off, is it?
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Shingles is a clown. Oh! The most sought-after children's entertainer in the country.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39We were lucky there was a last-minute cancellation. Was Psoriasis the Clown booked?
0:11:39 > 0:11:44Ben, if you're flinging jellies and custard pies around, you want to be in safe hands.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Good God, who's doing the fireworks?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48My mother.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56Well, you know tweed and alcohol are a very combustible mix.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I told you I'd thought of everything.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01OK!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Oh, higher, Ben!
0:12:08 > 0:12:09The fairy goes on the top!
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Yes, I know where to stick the fairy.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I also know where I would LIKE to stick the fairy.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I can't believe this was the best tree they had, Ben.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21It's all dried out and drooping at the bottom.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Are you sure you're looking at the tree? That's it, I'm killing her.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28No court will convict me.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33What is that sickly smell? It smells like Elton John's exploded in here.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Good morning, sir, madam.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Try a free sample?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Caravanserai, an insouciant fragrance
0:12:43 > 0:12:45from the blazing sands of the Samarkand,
0:12:45 > 0:12:49guaranteed to inflame the passion of your favourite sheikh.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54This job is only for two weeks, isn't it, Abi?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56With you and my mother here, I'm afraid to light a match.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01How does my make-up look? They're very strict about presentation. It looks lovely, dear.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05That reminds me, I need to confirm the clown. I didn't put mascara on.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08The trowel's in the garage. DOORBELL RINGS
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Anybody want an aspirin? I do!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Why don't you swallow the whole bottle, you bat?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Mrs Harper? Yes?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I'm Alfie Butts. That's with two Ts.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24The second T is silent.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27That's my icebreaker.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Anyway, I'm a friend of Nick's.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Oh! Nick alert! Just because YOU haven't any friends.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Sorry, Alfie, Nick isn't here, I'm afraid.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Yes, I know that.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Didn't he call? No.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47OK. Well, erm...I won't take any more of your time, then.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49OK! Don't be a stranger. No, wait.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Come in, Alfie, you look frozen. Oh!
0:13:52 > 0:13:56No, I'm not cold, I'm just a bit shaken up, really.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00I'm not used to London ways, you see, and as I was getting off the coach,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03I got rather drawn into a game of three-card brag on the street.
0:14:03 > 0:14:09Oh, dear. Did you lose much? No, it's quite simple once you've sussed out the mathematical probabilities.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10I won ?1,000.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13A thousand quid?! Take a seat, Alfie!
0:14:15 > 0:14:20But then they beat me up and took the money back. Been nice knowing you, whatever your name is.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22You must be Mr Harper.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Nick's told me all about you.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I thought he was exaggerating.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Sit down. No, Susan... Stay there.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Susan? Susan! We can't just turn him away.
0:14:34 > 0:14:40Think about it - Alfie is like the Christmas traveller looking for shelter. Remember?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Yes. Mary, Joseph and the stable? Oh, yes, of course!
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Maybe it's hindsight, but then no-one was worried Mary and Joseph were gonna nick their video.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I mean, how do we really know he's a friend of Nick's?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Well, look at him.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01I'm looking. It looks like Keith Richards and Worzel Gummidge had a love child.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Alfie, how do you know Nick?
0:15:03 > 0:15:09Oh, we met when he was camping out in our field waiting for Glastonbury to start.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Unfortunately, our field is 100 miles from Glastonbury,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17and it was winter. He rolled around in the mud, all the same.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21He would, yeah. ..Well, he knows Nick. So what does that prove?
0:15:21 > 0:15:26Ooh, I almost forgot - there's something Nick wanted me to give you. Hang on.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Oh, wow! Wow!
0:15:35 > 0:15:39An original Dinky fire engine!
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Oh, that is my favourite! I always wanted one of these when I was a kid.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46I'd always save up my pocket money to buy it. That's my favourite, too.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48My dad gave me that when I was four.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Ah, what a sweet story.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52What about my story, eh? My story was sweet.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Oh, here it is.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Oh, I love Christmas presents. Yes, lovely. And what's Nick sent us?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Yes, his crusty socks. Yes, he does care.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05And, er, here's the address to send it back to.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07No starch, non-bio.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Alfie, let me show you to Nick's room. No, Susan!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12He's staying. He's staying.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Thank you, Mrs Harper.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23Sorry, forgive me for being so forward, but where I'm from we're big huggers. What?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Huggers. OK.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28That's how we keep warm.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34OK, still got my wallet. Let me show you to your room.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Oh, no need, Mrs Harper.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40Nick's described this house to me in so much detail, I know it like the back of my hand.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42That's the kitchen. Eh?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Don't worry. Nick used to do that, as well.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Ooh!
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Thank you.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Oh!
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Ah! Nosferatu! Oh, hello, Grace.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Sorry, Grace, much as it pains me, I need to ask for your help.
0:17:05 > 0:17:11You want me to feed the hose through the car window while you start the engine(?) Yes.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Let's save something for the new year, shall we, Grace?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I was hoping you might have a suggestion for Susan's Christmas present.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20A divorce?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I wasn't thinking of spending that much.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29# Don we now our gay apparel Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la
0:17:29 > 0:17:33# As we sing this yuletide carol Fa-la-la-la-la la-la... #
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Stop! # ..la. # I'm sorry, Ben.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38What are you doing here in the dark?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I thought I'd give you one last chance to go carolling.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45I'd rather take my eyelids off and face the sun, Roger.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I won't have you being down at Christmas.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53Now, what can I do to make you feel better? How about Russian roulette? You start.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58All right, all right, you CAN help. I can? Yes.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02I just happened to be rummaging through Susan's cupboard
0:18:02 > 0:18:05and accidentally kind of, you know, came across...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08what she bought me for Christmas. Ooh...!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11You're not supposed to do that!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Every time someone spoils a Christmas surprise, an elf dies!
0:18:14 > 0:18:21Yes, well, every time a wife doesn't get an equally expensive present, a dentist dies. Now, come on, Roger.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Roger, what would she want?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Well, you know, Ben...
0:18:27 > 0:18:33women will send out certain signals. Yeah...
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I can't afford this, Roger.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Kenzo's party's bleeding me dry.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40And Susan's got Shingles.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Shingles?! Shingles the Clown?!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Only the most sought-after clown in the country!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Isn't it amazing? Only you would know that.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Oh, Ben, money spent on a clown is never wasted.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54It's a vastly underrated art form.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Clowns, elves - where do you live, Roger? In a hollow tree?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Clowning's a bit of a passion of mine. Watch this.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Hup! Ha!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Hup! Ha! Hup!
0:19:14 > 0:19:19Oh, that's great, Roger. Mrs Green's gonna be sucking her turkey through a straw this year.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I'm sorry, I'm a little clumsy. What?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Yes!
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Little Clumsy the Clown! What?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Nothing.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Mrs Green's in luck.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38FOOTSTEPS
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Ooh!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Oh!
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Sorry.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54According to Nick's directions, this is the bathroom.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57But you're Michael, right? Er, whoa.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Erm... In this family, we don't go in for displays of affection.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Or affection. You must be Alfie. How are you finding us?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Oh, yeah, yeah, your family seems so nice.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Give them time.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12So...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14you're a...postman.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Temporarily. The hours are killing me. I have to get up at four in the morning.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23As late as that? Back on the farm, we'd just be finishing lunch.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I'm looking for a job myself.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Just until I make a dent in the coal face of the music industry.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I might be able to put something your way. Oh, great!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I just hate being idle. I don't care what it pays.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Then I can definitely put something your way.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Try this on.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Oh, really? Could I?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Oh, yeah.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52And let me tell you, the chicks go crazy for the uniform.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Well, the ones that are up.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Oh, no! I've just wrapped Kenzo's birthday present in Christmas paper.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06What? This isn't all for Kenzo?!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09We have to give our grandson a few little trinkets.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13An 800-quid party is a pretty big trinket!
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Kids today!
0:21:14 > 0:21:19The only entertainment I had at my parties was my Uncle Cecil taking his eye out.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I'd blow out the candle, the other kid'd go home...
0:21:22 > 0:21:26You know what I really wish I had? No, what? What, what, what, what?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29A video camera. A video camera?
0:21:29 > 0:21:34I suggested using one of those at our anniversary, but you were afraid the kids might find the tape.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I meant for Kenzo's party. Yeah.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Anyway, it wasn't the videoing that put me off that idea.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43It was the leather shorts and the sour cream.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47It was creme fraiche.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54It's down the hall. Second left. Thank you.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59OK! OK, video camera it is.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Signal sent, signal received.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Oh! And I've got Janey to invite Kenzo's father.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09What? Is that a good idea? I mean, how much is he going to eat?
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Ben, I want Kenzo to have a really good male role model before he gets to know you too well.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16DOORBELL RINGS
0:22:16 > 0:22:21Who can that be at this time of night? It'll be carol singers. Scum!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Scrooge!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Hello, Ben!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38It's me - Roger!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40ROGER HUMS CIRCUS MUSIC
0:22:40 > 0:22:44What? What? Shut up! Shut up!
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Roger, please! Please, Roger!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48HORN HONKS
0:22:48 > 0:22:50(Shut up!)
0:22:50 > 0:22:52HONK! Shut...!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Susan's upstairs.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Sorry, Ben. I just put the costume on and I got carried away.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00What do you think of the name Dento?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Dento the Clown. Like "dentist", see?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04I don't want Dento.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05I don't need Dento.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I hired you to be Shingles.
0:23:07 > 0:23:14Don't you think Susan'll take one look at me realise I'm not Shingles? No, because all clowns look alike!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Ben, that is racist.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19It's not! OK, then, it's clownist.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Get out, Roger! Smell my flower, Ben.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Who is it, Ben? It's all right, darling.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28It's OK, it's just carol singers. I'm putting the hose on them.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Just get out!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33BUZZING
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Stop it, stop it! Just get...!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Get out, get out!
0:23:39 > 0:23:42How do they drive in those shoes?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44HONK!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Makeover, madam?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Perk up your face for Christmas -
0:23:49 > 0:23:51you look rough.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Make you look 40 again.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I'm 37.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Come on, it's just us girls.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Excuse me, sir, how about some Bronzo in-hair highlights?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Lose that just-left-prison look.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Well, I didn't know! It's just an expression.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Repulsion, the new fragrance from the Roman Polanski collection.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Eyes! Eyes, eyes, eyes!
0:24:20 > 0:24:26I mean, sir, can I interest you in a five-minute facial? You'll be out of here in 20 minutes.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30No, no, no, you can interest me in your staff discount card, Abi.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I've got to buy Susan a video camera.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36And would Susan be your wife or partner, sir?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Wife, partner, nemesis - let's not quibble. OK, give me the card.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Only if you help me out first.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Come on, Ben, I'm supposed to do three makeovers an hour.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I haven't done one since that tall Taiwanese woman with the big Adam's apple.
0:24:48 > 0:24:54Are you seriously insane? I haven't got time, Abi! Give me the card! All right. All right, too bad.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57That was a 20% discount card. Oh, yeah.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00OK, OK, OK, damn you beauticians.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08# Blues
0:25:08 > 0:25:12# Got the old bull-castration blues
0:25:12 > 0:25:14# I'm goin' down
0:25:15 > 0:25:21# Into my bull-castration shoes
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# I'm a bullish kind of lover
0:25:23 > 0:25:24# I just never got enough
0:25:24 > 0:25:28# Until the mean old farmer man Lord!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31# He cut away my stuff. #
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Alfie, that's got Christmas number one written all over it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:43Oh, no, I'm not into chart success per se. I've gotta stay focused.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45That's where a lot of artists go wrong, you see.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Oh, can I lick the spoon?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Nick used to lick the spoon.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54And he will again, Mrs Harper.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Sweet of you to say so.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59There! Finished!
0:25:59 > 0:26:04I'd like to see Nigella make a cake without butter, eggs or sugar.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Who's Ken 20?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10That's... It's... That's Kenzo.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12It's Kenzo. It's Janey's little boy.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Oh, yeah.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Do you want to lick the bowl as well?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Well, I've only been here a day.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I don't want to appear overfamiliar.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Hey, Mum, how's it going?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Can I help?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Who's Ken 20?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33It's Kenzo. Kenzo.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Your little boy. Ah.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Is that My Little Pony? Yes. Brings back memories, doesn't it?
0:26:40 > 0:26:46Well, not for Kenzo it doesn't. I mean, he doesn't know who My Little Pony is. And it's for girls, Mum.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I thought you might like it.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I liked it when I was three.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Mum, look, I really don't mind that you missed my third birthday.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58But if you feel really guilty about it, you could give me, oh, I don't know, ?100?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I don't feel guilty.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Oh, look, just turn the pony into a dragon or something violent, anyway.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07It IS my son we're talking about.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10When will that girl let it go?
0:27:10 > 0:27:14You really did make this without sugar. Amazing.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17"Have a facial peel," she said.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24"It'll take five minutes," she said.
0:27:24 > 0:27:30Look at me - I look like the last Scotsman out of the pub on Burns' Night.
0:27:30 > 0:27:36I like it, Ben. It gives the room a warm, Christmassy glow.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38No more comments from you, OK?
0:27:38 > 0:27:42No more. If I didn't love you so much...
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I wouldn't look like this.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Now excuse me.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Oh, God, that's better.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55There's no booze in there. I've already looked.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01Susan, darling, I've been thinking.
0:28:01 > 0:28:07Because of Kenzo's birthday party, I'm going to give you your Christmas present early. Oh! Thank you, Mum.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10It's a video camera. Oh, no!
0:28:12 > 0:28:17"SILENT NIGHT" ON GUITAR
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I can't believe this Christmas.
0:28:26 > 0:28:31I've got the mother-in-law - the creature that time forgot - in the bedroom upstairs...
0:28:32 > 0:28:35..I've got a face like a Swan Vesta...
0:28:35 > 0:28:41I'm hosting a kid's party that cost more than the gross national product of Chad...
0:28:41 > 0:28:47I've got two non-returnable Christmas presents, one of which is an ironing-board cover.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49That's ?3 I'm never gonna see again.
0:28:51 > 0:28:56And on top of all that, I still don't know what to get Susan for Christmas.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Shut up.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06Well, if I know Mrs Harper as well as I think I do...
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Alfie, please, you've been here one day!
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Fair enough. What do you think she'd like?
0:29:13 > 0:29:19Well, she's passionate about music, literature and art, particularly the pre-Raphaelites,
0:29:19 > 0:29:24which she studied during her first year at Newcastle University.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26Susan went to university?
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Oh, yeah. Yeah, she... Sorry.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33But her current passion is the Bloomsbury Set.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35I can't afford the whole set.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37Can I just get the knickers?
0:29:37 > 0:29:41No, no, no - the Bloomsbury Set is...
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Never mind.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Just get her a book, a first edition.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Perhaps Mrs Dalloway. Yeah.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53Yeah, Mrs Dalloway. She'd like that. She'd love that. It's by Virginia Woolf.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56Yeah, I knew that.
0:29:58 > 0:30:03I'll write it down for you. Yeah, OK. Print it. Print it.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Can you give me some help with this?
0:30:05 > 0:30:09(HIGH VOICE:) People of Earth, you have no reason to fear us.
0:30:09 > 0:30:10The helium's for the balloons.
0:30:10 > 0:30:15While you toy with your primitive decorations, our spaceships are massing.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Hello, Mum. Where is Singles? He was supposed to be here an hour ago to set up.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21You know what tiny little clown cars are like.
0:30:21 > 0:30:26He's probably had to stop every five minutes to pick up his doors. I love you, but I don't like you.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Mum, just calm down.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Oh, you're right. You're right.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Jellies! Jellies! Jellies! Jellies!
0:30:38 > 0:30:40DOORBELL RINGS
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Hello. Hi, Alfie.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47How's my job going? Ooh, we got paid today.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Erm, here's your pay slip.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55Cheers, Alfie. As soon as this clears, I'll give you your third.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Oh, no, no, no, no, no - it's your job, it's your money.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02Anyway, I'm just happy to keep busy. Well, if you're sure. Oh, aye.
0:31:02 > 0:31:07Besides, I earned nearly three times that in Christmas tips this week. And it's tax-free.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Alfie!
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Alfie!
0:31:15 > 0:31:16Here!
0:31:19 > 0:31:20I've got it.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24(HIGH VOICE:) Oh, I'm so pleased.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Got what? Mrs Dalloway.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29First edition. ?1,200.
0:31:29 > 0:31:311,200 quid!
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Are you sure Susan's gonna realise how much it cost?
0:31:35 > 0:31:41Oh, I'm sure Mrs Harper is astute enough to recognise the value of a first edition.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44I'll leave the receipt in just to hammer it home, yeah?
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Gracie!
0:31:56 > 0:31:58I'm coming to get you!
0:32:00 > 0:32:02That's your mother's toy boy?!
0:32:02 > 0:32:04He's three months younger than her.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06In their crowd, that makes her Demi Moore.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Isn't it wonderful, Ben? The kids are having so much fun.
0:32:11 > 0:32:16You'd have fun if you were a kid destroying a house a man had worked his entire life for.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19DOORBELL RINGS At last. Shingles! Don't expect too much from Shingles.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23I'd hate to see you disappointed. Why would I be disappointed? No reason. It's fine.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27Here, shoot the kids. Yeah, with pleasure.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29DOORBELL RINGS You wanna be shot?
0:32:31 > 0:32:35You're not a clown. No, I'm a doctor. Well, what use is that?
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Andrew Barker? Janey invited me. Oh!
0:32:38 > 0:32:42Oh, yes, yes, of course, come in.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44You must be Kenzo's...
0:32:44 > 0:32:45mother's...
0:32:45 > 0:32:48friend person.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Oh, and a doctor!
0:32:52 > 0:32:58Janey? Your friend from three years and nine months ago is here.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00She loves it when I'm specific.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02And he's a doctor! Thank you!
0:33:04 > 0:33:08Ben? Ben, this is Andrew.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12(He's Kenzo's father.) Oh, finally the toe-rag has the decency...
0:33:12 > 0:33:16Oh, how are you? Very nice to meet you. He's a doctor. Oh, really?
0:33:16 > 0:33:21Couldn't hack it in dental school, then? Actually, I'm a neurosurgeon. It's very challenging work.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, yeah.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27Well, brains don't bite you when you're trying to put in a bridge.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30You made it! Great!
0:33:30 > 0:33:33Ben, Ben, you're wanted in the kitchen!
0:33:33 > 0:33:35Oh! Ow, ow!
0:33:35 > 0:33:37The clown's hysterical. I'm coming!
0:33:37 > 0:33:40And not in a good way!
0:33:40 > 0:33:42It's wonderful to meet you at last.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46Janey's told me absolutely nothing about you. DOORBELL RINGS
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Please let this be Shingles.
0:33:49 > 0:33:50Oh, hello!
0:33:50 > 0:33:53I'm a big boy now. So I see.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56I can do a poo by myself.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Good for you!
0:33:58 > 0:34:00I've done one over there.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Perfect!
0:34:05 > 0:34:06Ben!
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Josh? Oh, you made it! Come in!
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Mark! Come on in!
0:34:27 > 0:34:31And who are they? Oh, just...some more fathers.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34That was some night you had.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Come on, Roger! Roger!
0:34:36 > 0:34:41I'm sorry, I can't do it! I thought I could, but I can't! What the hell are you talking about?
0:34:41 > 0:34:46I've got stage fright, Ben! It's a room full of kids! They won't even remember you tomorrow!
0:34:46 > 0:34:48That makes it worse, somehow!
0:34:48 > 0:34:53Oh, clowns! How can something that brings so much joy bring so much fear?
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Listen!
0:34:55 > 0:34:59You wanna see fear? You wanna see real fear? Just watch my face when Susan comes through that door.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Come on, Roger! You're funny.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08You're really funny! Am I, Abi? Am I really?
0:35:08 > 0:35:09Well...
0:35:09 > 0:35:14not so much when you're being a clown, but when you're eating and things like that.
0:35:14 > 0:35:19Yeah, Roger, you're hysterical when you're eating. Now come on! Go out there a second-rate dentist
0:35:19 > 0:35:23but come back a first-rate clown. Please, Roger, please! Go on!
0:35:23 > 0:35:24NO!
0:35:24 > 0:35:28For God's sake, Roger, pull yourself together!
0:35:28 > 0:35:29Not the nose!
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Are they still playing hide-and-seek?
0:35:43 > 0:35:49I've lost all feeling in my feet. Here, Alfie, take your guitar. Get out there, entertain the kids.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Sing one of your stupid songs.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53AUDIENCE: Aw...!
0:35:55 > 0:36:02I WILL play, Mr Harper, because I want the stage time, but adjectives like "stupid" motivate no-one.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08OK. OK.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Dutch courage - that's what we need.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Are you sure that's a good idea? Yep, it's a very good idea.
0:36:18 > 0:36:19DOOR SHUTS
0:36:19 > 0:36:22I thought I heard the sound of a bottle opening!
0:36:24 > 0:36:27HE SINGS IN WELSH
0:36:43 > 0:36:45All together now.
0:36:45 > 0:36:51HE SINGS SONG AGAIN IN WELSH
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Michael, look, it's the Three Wise Men.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07They can't be that wise - one of them slept with Janey.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Probably all three slept with Janey.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12I just wish I knew which one was Kenzo's father.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15There's a simple way to find out.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17How? How?
0:37:17 > 0:37:22DNA testing. It's infallible. They even have home DNA testing kits now. I have one in my room.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24What do you have one for?
0:37:24 > 0:37:27I regularly check whether I'm your natural-born son.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29It's coming out positive, but I live in hope.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31So do we.
0:37:31 > 0:37:36Now, all I'll need is a sample of hair or saliva from each of the potential victims.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Plus ?100. What's that for?
0:37:38 > 0:37:41I have to touch hair and saliva.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44# The wheels on the bus go round and round
0:37:44 > 0:37:47# All through town
0:37:47 > 0:37:50# The wipers on the bus go swish-swish-swish... #
0:37:50 > 0:37:53CHILDREN: We want Shingles! We want Shingles!
0:37:53 > 0:37:58# ..The wipers on the bus go swish-swish... #
0:37:58 > 0:38:00We want Shingles! # ..The wipers on the bus go... #
0:38:00 > 0:38:03We want Shingles!
0:38:03 > 0:38:06REPEATED SLAPPING AND HONKING
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Can you please stop slapping him, Ben? It's not helping!
0:38:09 > 0:38:11It's helping me!
0:38:11 > 0:38:13REPEATED SLAPPING AND HONKING
0:38:13 > 0:38:18Ben, please come outside and help! One of the kids is demanding to go home. Well, let him!
0:38:18 > 0:38:21It's Kenzo! Ah.
0:38:22 > 0:38:23Ah-ha! Ah-ha!
0:38:23 > 0:38:25Ta-da!
0:38:28 > 0:38:31What do you mean, "Ta-da"? BOTH: Ta-da!
0:38:31 > 0:38:33It's Shingles! Shingles!
0:38:33 > 0:38:34Yes!
0:38:36 > 0:38:39I love you! Yeah, OK...
0:38:39 > 0:38:42I just didn't know how much clowns drank, Susan.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45It's all that crying on the inside.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Why is Roger dressed like that?
0:38:47 > 0:38:49Well, you're gonna laugh at this.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Or, in fact, smile wryly.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57What have you done? You see, Shingles cancelled.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01Yes, idiot. He cancelled at the last minute and...
0:39:01 > 0:39:03apparently he had to rush off to entertain...
0:39:03 > 0:39:06The astronauts! ..astronauts...
0:39:08 > 0:39:09Shhh!
0:39:09 > 0:39:12You cancelled him, Ben, didn't you?
0:39:12 > 0:39:17Because you're a mean, mean man. She's got her nasty face on. Shut up.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21And I was gonna be his assistant. Oh, it's a nice costume, Abi.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23It's my swimsuit.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Yeah, look at this. Isn't it gorgeous, Susan?
0:39:26 > 0:39:31Stunning, isn't it, in cerise? And she's sewn the sequins and the feathers on just for Kenzo.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Nah, it's always been like this.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37Mind you, I did spend a lot of time at the bottom of the pool.
0:39:38 > 0:39:43Listen, Ben. Yep, OK. I promised these children Shingles, and Shingles they're damn well getting.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45You have two minutes to produce a clown
0:39:45 > 0:39:48or I'll use part of your anatomy to make balloon animals.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50OK. Look, come on, Roger. Come on!
0:39:50 > 0:39:52Come on, Roger, Roger, Roger.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55You heard the woman. Now, come on, Roger! It's show time!
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Show time!
0:40:01 > 0:40:05If Roger's too drunk and incompetent to go on, then so am I.
0:40:09 > 0:40:13# Blues
0:40:13 > 0:40:17# Got the old bull-castration blues
0:40:17 > 0:40:18# I've got 'em down
0:40:19 > 0:40:24# Into my bull-castration shoes
0:40:24 > 0:40:27# I'm a bullish kind of lover
0:40:27 > 0:40:28# I just never got enough
0:40:28 > 0:40:34# Until the mean old farmer man Lord!
0:40:34 > 0:40:39# He cut away...my...
0:40:41 > 0:40:44# Stuff! #
0:40:44 > 0:40:45Bravo!
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Thank you!
0:40:49 > 0:40:52Thank you(!)
0:40:52 > 0:40:56All right, everybody, give it up for Shingles!
0:41:01 > 0:41:05And his glamorous assistant, Mrs Susan!
0:41:09 > 0:41:14Hello, boys and girls! Hello, Mr Harper!
0:41:14 > 0:41:16No, I'm Shingles!
0:41:16 > 0:41:21Mr Harper's been taken away to a maximum-security prison.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Good gag, Gracie, good gag.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Why is Dad doing this?
0:41:27 > 0:41:31Well, Shingles had to go and entertain the astronauts. What?
0:41:31 > 0:41:33VOMITING Oh, Roger!
0:41:33 > 0:41:34OK, OK, kiddies -
0:41:34 > 0:41:38I'm gonna make this short, so we can all get out of here.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40Who wants to hear a funny story?
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Me! Yeah, right!
0:41:43 > 0:41:47The boy stood on the burning deck It was only one o'clock...
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Ben! I mean Shingles! Yes, all right, I was gonna clean it up!
0:41:50 > 0:41:55I know, Shingles, how about your classic paper-cutting routine? What?
0:41:55 > 0:42:00Oh, yes, my classic paper-cutting routine...
0:42:00 > 0:42:03Yes. Thank you, Mrs Susan.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06Can I have the birthday boy up here, please? Yeah, here he comes.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08Big round for Kenzo!
0:42:10 > 0:42:14Dad, this is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18SQUIRTING
0:42:18 > 0:42:21Right, Kenzo! Kenzo, do you like lions?
0:42:21 > 0:42:24He likes lions! Do you all like lions? Yeah!
0:42:24 > 0:42:28Big lions like you've seen at the zoo?
0:42:28 > 0:42:32Well, I'm gonna make a big lion out of paper, a lion sitting
0:42:32 > 0:42:37astride a carriage with two magical footmen sitting alongside of him.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40This is your lucky day, cos it's your birthday!
0:42:40 > 0:42:47Cos what I've got here... I've got a moth. You see? The lion turned into a moth!
0:42:47 > 0:42:49Yeah!
0:42:51 > 0:42:55Stop clowning around and get serious. I'm doing the best I can.
0:42:55 > 0:42:59All right, OK, who wants to meet my friend Wally? Me!
0:42:59 > 0:43:04You do? Right, he's in my trousers. He's very shy. For God's sake!
0:43:04 > 0:43:08It's all right, don't worry. Kids love this! ..After three, you've got to say, "Come out, Wally."
0:43:08 > 0:43:10One, two, three...
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Come out, Wally!
0:43:12 > 0:43:15Hello, children!
0:43:15 > 0:43:17BOO!
0:43:17 > 0:43:18It's only his wallet!
0:43:18 > 0:43:20Well, enjoy it, kids.
0:43:20 > 0:43:22He doesn't get that out every day.
0:43:22 > 0:43:26I love you, Shingles! I love you!
0:43:26 > 0:43:29You're the funniest clown a kid ever saw!
0:43:29 > 0:43:32Oh, God, two years in dental school for this. I can't cope. I'm going.
0:43:32 > 0:43:35What are you doing? You can't stop now! What?
0:43:36 > 0:43:40Oh, look, here's Percy!
0:43:40 > 0:43:43I'm feeling a bit empty inside!
0:43:43 > 0:43:48Well, whose fault is that, Miss Money-Spendy? Oh, you wallets!
0:43:48 > 0:43:51You think you know everything! You idiot!
0:43:51 > 0:43:54Who are you calling an idiot? Eh? Eh?
0:43:54 > 0:43:57You're not even real leather, are you?
0:43:57 > 0:44:00That's because it was a gift from you. Oh, yeah?
0:44:02 > 0:44:07They're loving this. Keep hitting me, Susan. Hit me! Hit me!
0:44:07 > 0:44:09I'll hit you!
0:44:11 > 0:44:12Hello, boys and girls!
0:44:12 > 0:44:14It's your friend Shingles!
0:44:14 > 0:44:18Roger... Would you like to see my elephant impression?
0:44:18 > 0:44:22There's one ear, there's the other ear...
0:44:28 > 0:44:31Ladies and gentlemen, the test results are in.
0:44:31 > 0:44:34Oh, God, don't tell me Janey's pregnant again.
0:44:34 > 0:44:35No, no, no,
0:44:35 > 0:44:37it's the DNA results.
0:44:37 > 0:44:42Michael tested Kenzo's three potential fathers from the party. I beg your pardon?!
0:44:42 > 0:44:45It's good to win once in a while. I've beaten you, Janey.
0:44:45 > 0:44:50I've beaten you like a fluffy omelette. Susan Harper! In all my years,
0:44:50 > 0:44:54I have never known anything so devious, so despicable...
0:44:54 > 0:44:57I just love the new you.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59In the category of Best Father...
0:44:59 > 0:45:01Excuse me - Best Father in a Non-supporting Role.
0:45:01 > 0:45:05Look, I'm sorry to unravel your sneaky little plot,
0:45:05 > 0:45:09but none of the guys at yesterday's party was Kenzo's father. In fact, I've never slept with any of them.
0:45:09 > 0:45:12And, as unlikely as that sounds...
0:45:12 > 0:45:14my results do support that conclusion.
0:45:14 > 0:45:17I will, however, be keeping the money.
0:45:17 > 0:45:21Janey, you promised to bring Kenzo's father to the party. We had a deal.
0:45:21 > 0:45:25But if I told you who he really was, you'd never rest until you involved him in our family.
0:45:25 > 0:45:29I don't want that, and, Lord knows, he wouldn't want that. What sane man would?
0:45:29 > 0:45:35What makes you think we'd interfere? You just got Michael to... Do a DNA test!
0:45:35 > 0:45:39Oh, that's just what mothers do.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41If the technology's there, why not use it?
0:45:44 > 0:45:46Well...
0:45:46 > 0:45:49I think I'd better be off.
0:45:49 > 0:45:50Alfie, where are you going?
0:45:50 > 0:45:54Well, ever since I arrived, this family's been in disarray.
0:45:54 > 0:45:58Actually, it's one of their more successful Christmases.
0:45:58 > 0:46:03Yes, well, I'm not one for sentimental goodbyes, so, erm... goodbye, Alfie.
0:46:03 > 0:46:06Actually, Mr Harper, erm...
0:46:06 > 0:46:09this is for you.
0:46:09 > 0:46:15You've been so kind to me... underneath the overt hostility.
0:46:15 > 0:46:18Well, I don't know what to say, Alfie. I, er...
0:46:18 > 0:46:19Wow!
0:46:19 > 0:46:21Oh, a Dinky...!
0:46:21 > 0:46:23I haven't got you anything.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26I have. Alfie, it's Christmas Day. You're going nowhere.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29Yeah, I know, I've heard his music.
0:46:29 > 0:46:34Gracie! What a beautiful ring! What? Thank you!
0:46:34 > 0:46:37Read the inscription. Oh, right.
0:46:37 > 0:46:40"To the..." "..man who rocks my world."
0:46:40 > 0:46:44That's... I thought I rocked your world. Not your world, YOUR world.
0:46:44 > 0:46:50You do, Ben. Now let's open our presents. Not now. I'd rather you didn't, because I think it's wrong.
0:46:50 > 0:46:53It's all wrong. I don't like it, you won't like it. I'm gonna exchange it.
0:46:53 > 0:46:55For God's sake! No, don't open it!
0:46:55 > 0:47:00Tea towels. ?5 on tea towels.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04Oh, Ben!
0:47:04 > 0:47:06Mrs Dalloway! Yeah.
0:47:06 > 0:47:09Oh, and it's a first edition!
0:47:09 > 0:47:14It must have cost you a fortune if this receipt is anything to go by!
0:47:14 > 0:47:16Thank you, darling!
0:47:16 > 0:47:19Now, you read it slowly, OK?
0:47:19 > 0:47:22That's ?20 a page.
0:47:22 > 0:47:26I'm almost embarrassed about what I bought you. Socks? You're right. Embarrassed? No!
0:47:26 > 0:47:28OK. Let's eat!
0:47:28 > 0:47:31Yes, let's!
0:47:31 > 0:47:35No, wait, we haven't given Alfie his present.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37I got Abi to get it, because I was so busy with the party.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39I'll go and get it!
0:47:39 > 0:47:44Alfie, in the few days that you've been with us, you've really become part of the family.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47And this is our way of saying welcome.
0:47:47 > 0:47:50He's now in our family? What did you get him? Not expensive, is it?
0:47:55 > 0:47:58Abi, I said, "Get him a door key"!
0:47:58 > 0:48:00Oh!
0:48:00 > 0:48:04Well, a donkey's still nice, isn't it? It's lovely.
0:48:04 > 0:48:06And it's very Christmassy.
0:48:06 > 0:48:08Oh, look, it's snowing.
0:48:08 > 0:48:12Oh, great, that's all I need(!)
0:48:14 > 0:48:16Well, why not?
0:48:16 > 0:48:21We've had the Christmas donkey, the Three Wise Men...
0:48:21 > 0:48:23the Christmas visitor.
0:48:25 > 0:48:27Yeah, why not a bit of snow?
0:48:27 > 0:48:30How alarmingly traditional.
0:48:30 > 0:48:32Come on, Ben, say it.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34Say what?
0:48:34 > 0:48:36Merry...
0:48:36 > 0:48:38OK, all together...
0:48:38 > 0:48:41Merry Christmas... Oh, great(!)
0:48:41 > 0:48:43DONKEY BRAYS